All comics by AngryAmerican

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by AngryAmerican
4-20-06
Dave, oh my god! Those kids are moshing. We better stop em.
Oh my god, you're right. They're moshing. At a metal concert. Tell ya what, dial 9 and 1 and then on my signal, hit 1 again.
Don't be a smartass. Well, i don't want them moshing.
Sigh. So you want me to go out there and put a stop to it?
No. Yes. I mean i want them to stop but i don't want you to stop them. Ya know? I just don't want anyone to get hurt.
No one ever gets hurt in a pit.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-22-06
Then i yelled"You have the right to remain dead. If you choose not ot exercise this right, i will shoot you again." But he was already dead. So I planted a gun on him and called it in.
Oh that's too funny! I remember workin the high school beat too. I think i shot like nine kids and i lost track of how many i gave "attitude adjustments" in the back halls.
Those were the days....so where you work now?
Oh, i've been doin narco for a while now. "PSST hey man, want some coke?"
A-hahaha-haha-ha. yeah, how much?
I'll trade ya for some kiddie porn.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-22-06
what bouncers say...
I drove all the way from Lexington to see Chimaira! Can i go backstage and meet them? Please!!!
No.
what bouncers mean...
I drove all the way from Lexington to see Chimaira! Can i go backstage and meet them? Please!!!
There's a small chance if you let me strangle you with your own thong whilst I skullfuck you, but I'm not making any promises.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-25-06
OK Mecha-cop. Scenario one. A man who has just robbed a bank is holding a gun to one of the tellers head and demanding a getaway car. What do you do?
BLOW HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD OFF WITH A PRECISELY AIMED SHOT FROM MY .60 SIDEARM.
Well, maybe you should attempt to negotiate with him first. Remember, deadly force is always a last resort.
I AM A PERFECTLY ENGINEERED KILLING MACHINE. I NEGOTIATE WITH NOTHING MADE OF WEAK FLESH. I WOULD SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD THEN SAY SOMETHING CLEVER LIKE "I WARNED HIM NOT TO LOSE HIS HEAD."
I think this thing's programmed for Detroit, guys. Can we recode it for something other than "warzone" and get some donuts?
YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO DROP THE PASTRY. NINE. EIGHT....

 

by AngryAmerican
4-25-06
YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE SALE OF BAKED GOODS WITHOUT PERMIT. DROP THE COOKIES, TAKE THREE PACES BACKWARD AND GET ON THE GROUND WITH YOUR FACE DOWN.
You're funny, Mr. Robot.
ON THE GROUND NOW SCUMBAG OR I WILL SPRAY THE PAVEMENT WITH YOUR BRAINS THEN DROP A MOP ON YOUR CORPSE AND SAY "COLLECT YOUR THOUGHTS WITH THIS"
What the fuck?
Who the hell programmed this thing? Arnold Swartzanegger?
'Field test 2. Complete and utter failure.' Christ. Let's get him back to the lab then grab some danish. You coming Detective Ho?

 

by AngryAmerican
4-25-06
THEN I WOULD BEAT HIM SAVAGELY AND MERCILESSLY WITH MY BATON AND SAY...
Wait, wait, wait. Why is it you always have to say some sort of catch phrase after you apprehend or kill a perp?
I DO NOT KNOW. IT IS IN MY PROGRAMMING.
Huh. Well, we'll get to the bottom of this. (sigh) All right, what were you going to say?
YOU ARE MY RED HEADED STEP CHILD, BITCH.
Nice one. Let's grab some crullers.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-26-06
You realize of course that a war between Heaven and Hell will destroy mankind.
Yes, God calls it "collateral damage".
Well, funny thing that. My Master The Dread Lord Satan kinda feels this would negatively affect his active soul-harvesting efforts. And He therefore seeks and mutually beneficial compromise.
Yeah truth be told, which I have to cuz I'm an angel, is that His Hugeness thinks that wiping out humanity might aversely affect his believer base. So what did you have in mind?
...His Hugeness?
I don't know man, that's just what He likes to be called. between you and me, He's not much taller than I am.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-26-06
Hmmm. Burning homeless people alive huh? That does sound fair. And decisive...So, whichever side claims more souls in a 24 hour period?
I was thinkin more like a 3 day frenzy, like back in the good ole days. Swarmin over the earth like locusts sorta thing.
So 3 days huh? That's a lot of time to kill...
Yeah, but think of how much fun it'll be. Oh and no accelerants by the way.
WHAT!? That's not fair! You demons have a natural control of fire! If we can't use gas and kerosene on the homeless, we're not playin!
Awww, cmon! Think what a blast this is gonna be! I thought you guys could do that whole "rain of fire" thing. Whatever happened to that?

 

by AngryAmerican
4-27-06
Sean the Irish cop, scourge of criminals, protector of defenseless pastries
Sir i gonna have to ask you to drop the jelly donut and go about your business.
What the hell are you talkin about man?
I'm gonna have to confiscate that tasty pastry for a lineup.
Are you fucking high?
When you relenquish the donut i will remove the nightstick.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-28-06
Dude, i just totally ate a surfer chick.
Rad. Thought i smelled blood in the water.
I like saving the crotch for last, it tastes like mahi-mahi.
That's usually where i try to bite first. So tender....
Bitch had an ipod too. Shame her taste in music runs toward crappy, repetitive pop punk.
Wow. Sucks to be you. How long do the batteries last?

 

by AngryAmerican
4-28-06
So Mr Cheney what's your biggest criticism of the media?
I'd have to say its the tendency on their part to focus on small insignificant matters, such as my hunting mishap.
As opposed to....
Serious issues such as the fact that Sen. Bill Frist is in the process of having himself turned into a black man.
Wha-what?
Yes. His aides told him he would have a better chance at getting elected president if he was black. Or a non english speaking she-male. Hubba Hubba.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-03-06
some folks don't like watching physical combat between consenting adults.
its as if they don't like being reminded that human beings are 3 meals away from total savagery despite all our computers, ipods, culture and civilized behavior.
it gives me great comfort watching the martial ineptitude of the average person i'll be competing against for food when society collapses. hee hee.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-03-06
So it looks like we're goin to war with the Danes.
My Father used to own a couple of those. Useless bastards the lot of 'em.
Yeah well they're causin a lot of problems over in Eire and the Hebrides, so Harald wants his Jarls to assemble and sail on Copenhagen. Give em something to think about.
Don't they realize that we conquered those lands fair and square? Fucking wankers...
Kinda sucks. I was really hoping to burn London to the ground this season.
We could make a side trip.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-04-06
Man, I've killed a shitload of monks and priests over the years, bit I've never heard one scream like that.
I think he was a eunuch.
A ewe-nick? You mean he steals sheep?
No, I mean he's been castrated. You know, his little viking had no shieldmen. His mountain pony had no saddlebags...
Odin's hairy balls! That's sick! If i woulda known that I never woulda sodomized him!
I never let that kind of thing stand in the way of a good rape.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-08-06
Oh beautiful for supple ass, for pre-pubescent groins. For purple underwear clad boys with little young boy loins..
America, America god wants me to fuck tots. Up to no good in your neighborhood, groping children by the lots.
That song always brings a tear to my eye. Except when I'm masturbating to cub scout pictures while dressed as Himmler.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-08-06
THERE. EVERY LAST HUMAN BEING ON EARTH HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY CORNHOLED.
And eaten...
TOBOR NOT HORNY NOW.
And i couldn't even eat an asian. I'm stuffed
52 card pickup?
>sigh<-might as well...

 

by AngryAmerican
5-10-06
All right. Here's the watercooler, the gossip capitol of the office. One of your duties as low man on the totem pole will be to make sure it doesn't run dry. Any questions?
Ahh, who's the drunk guy in his underwear?
Oh that's Simon, one of the owner's sons. He's top notch.
But he's drunk in his underwear and he keeps touching...his ....area...
You should see his brothers...
Steve! Put down the baby, put out the candles, take off the elmo codpiece and GET BACK TO WORK! And for Christ's sake don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where that goat's been!

 

by AngryAmerican
5-12-06
Who are you senor?
I am Captain Vigilant from the Righteous Freedom Squad! And you are attempting to illegally enter this Great Nation of mine!
Si. I need to work to support my 13 children. Immigrant labor is vital to your economy. We do the jobs you Americans feel are beneath them for less wages than what you would make.
I sympathize with you, fellow human! You must love your children very much to risk death for them!
Let my Eye Beams be a shining beacon of Freedom for all the world to see! Our borders are secure for another day! Time for some celebratory tacos!

 

by AngryAmerican
5-12-06
Oh no! Eets the Native American Neenja from The Righteous Freedom Squad!
That's right foul alien! Your laboring days are over! Our leaders have grown wise to your "taco bombs"!
'Taco bombs'? I no understand...
Great Spirit! he's resisting! Must defend my country! SPIRIT OF THE GREAT BEAR GIVE ME YOUR STRENGTH!
Another victory over the silent insurrection. Maybe they'll put a plaque up here...

 

by AngryAmerican
5-12-06
How the hell am i supposed to make falafel without zataar...
TERRORIST STOP! IN NAME OF DA riggy....rith...rooch....IN NAME OF DA FREEDOM SQUAD!
But I have done nothing. I'm on my way to purchase chick peas for the making of the falafel.
RAAARGH! GLOB SMASH TERRORIST!
HIM NO OUTSMART GLOB! GLOB SILENCE DIRTY FOR-IN WORDS!

 

by AngryAmerican
5-12-06
Stop in the name of Justice, Mr. Quaeda! It is I, Captain Alabaster of the Righteous Freedom Squad Here to foil your dastardly plans!
How many fucking captains do they have?
I can see by the color of your skin you're up to no good. And the turban is a dead giveaway. A clever attempt, fiend, but to no avail! Your evilishness ends today!
Great...
editor's note: in the R.F.S. if you've got eye-beams, you're automatically made a captain.*Angry American
*ZOT* And remember kids, democracy is a privilege! So if its white its all right, if its brown vote it down!

 

by AngryAmerican
5-15-06
You know what, fuck you people. You're getting attacked by alien zombies and NOW you want me to save you.
But when I first burst onto the scene and announced to the world that I, the mysterious Dr. Tiki, the world's first Hawiian superhero was here to save the day, you just laughed.
I'm not gonna waste a single explosive pineapple to save you.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-16-06
Hi kids! Captain Alabaster and American Valkyrie here from The Righteous Freedom Squad with today's good citizen tip!
That's right . Today we're gonna talk about crime and you. As young white children you make tender, vulnerable targets for the white slave trade.
In whose hands you would be forced to perform horrible, horrible acts and have to eat icky foods like fishheads, rice and hummus.
Yes. Always remember that you are weak, gullible and stupid. But to filthy, evil foreign people, you're valuable. Like cell phones or video games.
So never accept candy or rides from anyone whose skin looks dirty, they're bad people!
Its safest to just run screaming from anyone who is different or have your Daddy shoot them.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-17-06
Today on the city's east side a group of enterprising childrens dreams were dashed as their lemonade stand exploded and burned fiercely for 3 hours.
My parents are so gullible. They never even asked my why i needed 10 cases of sudafed and acetone to make lemonade.
With the profits we made from our meth stand we're going to grow 4 acres of poppies, enslave some thai people and make the best damn heroin ever.
Authorities are baffled.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-17-06
...and the the President grinned sheepishly, said "I made pee-pee" and pulled his pants back down. And now for breaking news we go to an alien in a thong.
Susan, my sources indicate to me that the writer of this lame, lame comic is exceedingly hungover and has just vomited all over, narrowly missing his computer. Back to you!
In other news I have been cloned.
No I haven't.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-17-06
Scuzi, leetle girl, i no speaka da englits so good..
AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! A FOREIGNER! RIGHTEOUS FREEDOM SQUAD SAVE ME!!!!
EEyarrrr, don't worry yer wee head little one. Captain Native be here to save the day! In the nick o' time to if me eye be not deceivin me. Swarthy people are not to be trusted me hearty!
It be a lucky thing i used me ocular laser instead of me plasma flintlock otherwise he'd a stained our great American sidewalk with his outlander blood. Its green ya know...
My Mommy thinks we should use them for food and leather.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-17-06
Look, that suspicious looking Arab guy is going to break into that house. We gotta stop him, in the name of justice. Will the foreign filth ever learn that the Righteous Freedom Squad never sleeps?
Rabbit Twin Powers-ACTIVATE! Form of an indignant but justified American with an axe!
Rabbit Twin Powers-ACTIVATE! Shape of a sympathetic yet unrelenting American adversary with nearly inexhaustible resources and the will to use them!
Lets kick some terrorist butt for mommy and apple pie!
I'm gonna make Aby Gharib look like fucking Disneyland.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-18-06
...leaving her shattered carcass smeared on the highway as a warning to others. Ever say to yourself 'there's no such thing as a free lunch'? Well, you're wrong. Bill Sunday with details...
So you're telling me what? That if i, or anyone else cares to fellate you, you'll give us a free Uber-Burger combo AND you'll Mammoth-Size it no less.
That's right. I'm also giving out free Red fruit pies to any girl who shows me her burgina.
Wow. In other news my colostomy bag seems to have ruptured and i'm sitting in a rapidly cooling puddle of my own liquid fecal matter. Film at eleven. Over to you, Stacy!
Mmmm, that stench takes me back to Germany and some educational films i made. Ever wonder how they make animals dance around in those cute commercials? We'll show you!

 

by AngryAmerican
5-24-06
Ve haf to run. Da T-2006 is a vastly superior model than me. It will destroy me then hunt you down and kill you.
But you've taught me that i have to fight. Soon all mankind will depend on my leadership for survival!
Zat is affirmative. But you are not ready yet. If ve stand and fight ve vill be destroyed. It approaches! Quickly, hide!
Cameron is a butthole...
I am about to receive data that can be interpreted as pain.
WHERE IS THE BOY?

 

by AngryAmerican
5-24-06
and so you see, the bridge is CURSED! He who crosses it only goes to his doom. The ghost takes his revenge!
The premise that there is a supernatural being guarding the bridge is not logical. Empirical data does not support this theory.
You mean maybe its just a crazy old man asking 3 questions of everyone who wishes to cross?
That is my supposition. Perhaps i can test this theory by attempting to cross this bridge myself.
Its just as i surmised. The bridge was merely a metaphor for a purely psychological phenomena.
He kicked your ass didn't he?

 

by AngryAmerican
5-24-06
and on my planet we chase the humans with manswatters to keep them out of our poppy fields...
Please don't interrupt me while i'm having a flashback....
But Master Ho says that which is a butterfly surely cannot be a fish.
Ah, but is it not written that that the the shark who swims with sheep shears not a lifetime of knowledge?
It made sense at the time.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-24-06
So...
Hold on. I'm having another one.
Blind Master Ha told me to sweep the leaves from the courtyard. But why bother when surely more leaves will fall?
All leaves must fall. It is the will of the Infinite. Master Ha makes you sweep to teach you the Ways of the Dragon and Tiger. It is why he made you wax his cars and paint his fence.
Wow. Look at the time...
It was old man Crenshaw. he did it to scare everyone away from the castle because he knew there are rich plutonium deposits under it. And he would have gotten away with it...

 

by AngryAmerican
5-25-06
why does Angry American have a 3 star rating?
Obviously at least one other person on this site likes vikings and stuff...
yeah, he is pretty much a one trick pony...
he's only funny when he's on drugs.
wanna fist my prepubescent twat?
i'll spit on it first cuz i like you.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-26-06
I was going to paint today, but its raining too hard.
My boss says it wouldn't be worth the trip cuz you can't paint exteriors in the rain.
So i decided to make one of these here 'pointless, non amusing, slice of life' comics instead. As if anyone gives a fuck about what's goin on in my life. I gotta tell ya, i'm feelin pretty pretentious

 

by AngryAmerican
5-26-06
So i heard Snorri got chosen by a Valkyrie last week.
Yeah, he took an axe to the face after killing 27 Swedes.
Lucky bastard. I always thought he was kinda overrated ya know?
Totally. Like who hasn't killed 27 Swedes? They're fucktards. It's almost as easy as killin Saxons.
Yeah, i stopped counting Saxons long ago, they're too easy. I almost feel bad when I pry a wheel of cheddar out of their cold, dead fingers.
Cheddar is good but i like brie better. Let's go to Gaul and kill some Franks and take thier cheese. It'll be fun. I'll bring the crackers.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-26-06
Hey Ole, how many Saxons does it take to start a fire?
I'm not sure. Saxons are almost as dumb as Britons...
Just one if he's soaked in enough pitch.
BWAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Hahahahaha, that one never gets old...Hey, let's get the Ragnarssons and gang rape some thralls.
Excellent idea! I'll grab the rutabagas!

 

by AngryAmerican
5-26-06
Ok class....QUIET DOWN! That's better. Now today's lesson is how to get the best price for booty acquired during the raiding season. if you'll open your text books to page...yes Sven, what is it?
My Dad has a homestead on the Hebrides and he says the people there are useless and he can't sell em to anyone.
Yes, your father's right, the Scot people ARE absolutely worthless on the open market. They're more of a quirky collector's item than anything else.
I like to stab them.
As well you should Sven, they're a very stabbable people, its their one saving grace. Now can anyone name a mitigating factor that will affect the overhead of a raiding party? ...Yes Bori?
Well organized resistance?

 

by AngryAmerican
5-26-06
Do you not remember me Qui Spock? You killed my brother Ting Lo. Or should i say Aggravating Monkey, that is what those fools the Masters called him.
I recall the confrontation that led to your siblings death. I was merely defending myself against his unwanted advances. I sought not his death.
I shall have vengence 'grassmoker'. I will cut your unnatural ears from your still thrashing body!
Violence begets violence. Nothing is accomplished through combat. Only by embracing the gentle flow of life's ceaseless wonder can one hope to change the world for the better.
Or by having a phaser.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-26-06
But why does the mantis pray Blind Master Ha?
Move closer and i will tell you young grassmoker.
Why are you touching me there Blind Master Ha?
Oh I'm sorry. I was reaching for my cane. My smooth, young, supple bald cane.
Can I put my pants back on now?
Do you want to learn about the mantis or not?

 

by AngryAmerican
5-31-06
Greetings! I am your new neighbor, Dr. Tiki, the world's first Hawiian superhero.
Anyone's better than Tim Allen....
I would like to invite to my luau tonight. There'll be poi, suckling pig, fire and hula dancers. Oh yeah, and lots of boozy fruit punch!
At what point should i rty to tell him I'm a deaf mute?
Hmmmm, not much of a talker huh? Well you definitely got the whole 'deranged stare' thing down pat. Come on over anyway. I'm a superhero, if you go all bat-fuck, I can stop you before you hurt someone
Dear God what is he saying! I'm not sure whether to smile or get the shotgun...

 

by AngryAmerican
6-02-06
So you're deaf and dumb huh? How's that workin out for ya?
Jesus dear fuck! Why do all the fucking lunatics always move in next to me?
Well its your lucky day neighbor! As a doctor AND a superhero, i can heal you.
Eh, at least he doesn't have kids...
Poi Boy! Surgical bag! Now!
OK he has a small brown skinned boy in a grass skirt. Fuck it. I'm movin...

 

by AngryAmerican
6-03-06
Hello fellow lovers of freedom, Dick Cheney here with another installment of the Vice Presidents Report. I'm known as a 'stright-shooter', so here's the deal...
In the best interests of our god fearing nation, i have had myself cloned several times despite the fact I am vehemently opposed to the idea of playing God.
Frankly, I'm just too damn important to let morals deprive our country of me. Now that this has been done, I am vehemently opposed to the idea of playing God.
Secondly, we've decided to change the name of the country to 'Bushmerica', and have installed our beloved leaders brain into an indestructible robot body so that he may lead us in greatness forever.
Hello Bushmericans! Four thousand more years!

 

by AngryAmerican
6-14-06
Welcome to Burger Jihad! How may I be your servant?
Do you have Happy meals?
Oh no young caucasian! In our holy land there is no happiness for one such as you. You would have your tongue cut out and eyes gouged from your head the sockets to be packed with burning sand.
Umm. So i guess a toy is out of the question?
Oh most definitely! Even if you survived the gang sodomy, there would be no toy for you to be fun having with. Would you like to try a kafta combo? It is like hamburger shaped like hot dog.
MOM!!! THE TERRORIST TOUCHED ME IN MY BAD PLACE!!!

 

by AngryAmerican
6-15-06
This being my 100th comic I wanted it to be really special. Like losing my virginity but without the duct tape and LSD.
But then I remembered that I'm outta weed. And without marijuana, life has no flavor except for the stale beer aftertaste.
Then I thought who really cares? Compared to your Injokesters, Bipeds or Boinkys, I'm just a smatter of shit......but at least I'm not Sebra, and that made my life seem just a little bit better.

 

by AngryAmerican
6-19-06
Attention male chronic masturbators! Are you tired of mopping up semen after masturbation? Sickened by the wasteful uselessness of spent spunk and the awful, shameful mess it creates?
Well those days are over!!! Introducing the SPUNKMASTER MARK IV! The revolutionary device that will forever change your disgusting post-orgasm cleanup rituals!
The SPUNKMASTER MK IV takes your filthy discharge and transforms it into a variety of handy household byproducts! Right before your very eyes!

 

by AngryAmerican
6-19-06
Yes, if you masturbate more than once a day, you're just throwing money away! With the amazing range of products that can be made from your man-goo, you'll wonder have you ever made it without one!
Things like a powerful adhesive glue. Perfect for thousands of household applications! A commercial grade lubricant. Ideal for ball bearings, automobile chassis, and as a motor oil supplement!
A heavy duty sun block! A soothing anti acne facial cream. Nutricious and delicious pet and baby foods! Sound too good to be true? Listen to some testamonials!

 

by AngryAmerican
6-19-06
Before i got my Spunkmaster, i was wasting several rounds of my man-ammo per day. Now runnin em out is a full time job and i have my own line of aircraft adhesives. Thanks Spunkmaster!!!
I was outta work and the bills were pilin up. Then i got myself a Spunkmaster and with the money we saved on pet food and baby formula alone, i was able to get an Xbox 360!! Thanks Spunkmaster!!
It took me awhile to dial in the Spunkmaster to create the perfect tzaziki sauce, but when i got it right my Gyro business took off! And no more stepping on crunchy socks! Thanks Spunkmaster!!

 

by AngryAmerican
6-19-06
i can smell your nuts...
Stupid squirrel fuck off! I got some nuts for you...
want those nuts....
I said piss off! I'm trying to be dark and gloomy here!
oh how i would cradle those nuts.
Fuck it! Here's a cashew, now FUCK OFF!

 

by AngryAmerican
7-07-06
Look baby! Mommy got you a new book! A Dr. Seuss book she found in the cut out bin for 10 cents. You want mommy to read it to you? Yes you do!
*gurgle*
Its called 'My Achin Balls'. Hmm, odd title. Well, here we go! "I have to walk funny today. I am walking funny some folks might say. With a kind of lurch and a grunt of pain...
...My achin balls drive me insane."?...What the hell?... "They slap to the left and they slap to the right, I should switch to briefs cuz they fit so tight." OK, mommy's not readin anymore of this.
*goo*

 

by AngryAmerican
7-10-06
Be at peace gentle creature, the Creator has heard your prayers and sent me to aid you.
Wow! An angel!! God listens my prayers? But I'm just a little lamb. I didn't think God noticed me!
Of course He does! Every one of His creations is very important to him, just like you!
So he's answering my prayers?! We're going to travel the country solving mysteries together?
That's right. And we'll stop people from making terrible decisions that will ruin their lives forever and help them put Jesus in their heart.
YAY!

Showing page 2.

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