All comics by MikeyG

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by MikeyG
12-10-03
This party sucks a bunch of wombat pus.
That not very nice. Give Chan Jack Daniels or Chan piss on stupid fat American.
Chan, you were never a huge partier, what happened?
Me sold into indentured servitude by white devil. Older sister sold to crazy demon with feet for ears and raped for long time.
That sucks. But with every beer I drink, you're looking a year older. I figure in two more beers, you're legal. Then it's shag-time.
This why me no come to Young Republican Frat Party anymore.

 

by MikeyG
12-11-03
Wow. I can't believe I've found my soulmate. Someone who offsets me in every way.
Now, how does one go about snagging themselves a boinky? And why do so many of MikeyG's jokes involve gay sex?
Well, whatever the reason, I've still got a hankerin' to cornhole boinky 26 times.
I'm gonna shove my meat-missle so far up your ass that it'll poke out of your mouth! Then you'll be forever known as 'Cough-man'!

 

by MikeyG
12-11-03
"Jesus Shaved His Millenia-Old Pubes For Yo' Ass."
"Jesus, If You Pleazus."
"Jesus lived in Cleveland for your sins."
Nyet, nein, and not bloody likely.
"Jesus fucked a goat for your sins."
"Jesus licked stamps for your sins."
"Jesus worked for Starbucks for your sins"?
No. NO!!!
'Kaufman Presents Bicycle Mishaps: Jesus Died For Your Shins.'
Don't you have some lads to bugger?

 

by MikeyG
12-11-03
Boy, this year is going to be an interesting one.
Why, boss? Production is through the roof, and morale has never been better since we all switched to Geico.
That's just it. The Naughty Index is up to 89% this year! We're overstocked!
Holy Jizz Turrets, Santa! What are we going to do?
Who the hell gave me all these Pokemon, Olsen Twins, and 'Flava' dolls?
I dunno, but I decided for Christmas to give you a 'hand'.
Here ya go!
Now let's fuck.

 

by MikeyG
12-13-03
You know, I'm getting sick of all the gay jokes around here. It's discriminatory and not funny.
Discriminatory? How is that?
There's not enough FEMALE homosexuality for my taste.
Lesbians simply aren't as funny as a couple of poofs are.
Right, and next you are going to tell me rotor turbines can only generate up to 26 gravitons by themselves.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by MikeyG
12-15-03
Yo yo yo! Fo'shnizzle mah nizzle! Wassup, beyotch?
Hey, I'm here for the X-mas party.
This ain't no X-Mas party, beyotch. This is a recruitin' party, t'rown bah me, Pimpzilla Spectakula!
Oh. Well, I guess I've got the wrong address.
No you didn't, you fahn piece o' black ass. This be jes' the right place fo' yo' ass.
Look, I got turned out once back in Da Nang, I killed a couple V.C., had to beg asylum. I'll pass this time.

 

by MikeyG
12-16-03
So, we've got you, Saddam. Pretty soon we're gonna strip you and shave you.
American Swine, please be gentle, for it has been a while since I have enjoyed the caress of another human.
All right, Saddam, better start disrobing before Rumsfeld's hard-on subsides.
Yes, Capitalist Captor. I shall comply.
*STRIP*
Sir, we've found the WMD!!!

 

by MikeyG
12-16-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Jesus? I was hoping maybe this Christmas I could get you off that cross and we could make sweet, passionate love by the fireplace.
You wanna nail me? It's been done.

 

by MikeyG
12-17-03
*sniff*
...I don't know, officer! I walked in and all I saw was gallons of blood and a severed arm!
Oh, poor Lance!
*sob*
Well, Mr. Floiven, where were you until you arrived at your home?
*sniff*
I was at Ms. Greenbeans, the vegetarian store Lance and I run. This is horrible!
*sniff*
Mr. Floiven, your boyfriend was hacked to bits and lightly sauteed in a delectable bearnaise sauce. Any idea where the weapon came from?
*sob*
I don't know, officer. We're vegetarians! We don't even own a steak knife!
*sniff*
That would explain the note saying, "Dreadfully sorry 'bout ruining the Mont Blanc set. Couldn't find a thing else to stab 'im with."

 

by MikeyG
12-17-03
YOU are the killer?
But you...you...
Yes, Mr. Bloigan. We do look very much alike. In fact, we are twins.
I KNEW it! I knew my inner cravings for a side of creamed, chipped Keith on toast didn't come from nowhere!
That would also explain why I need to have a green vegetable with every Neal.
So how did you get caught?
My girlfriend managed to burn a glass of water. I saw a passing police car and begged them to take me in and let me confess.

 

by MikeyG
12-17-03
Mr. Bloigan, we believe we've found the man who sauteed your lover in that delectable bearnaise sauce.
Good! Can you tell me what he looks like?
We'd like you to come down to the station and take a look at him.
As soon as I finish my Tofu-Pup hot dog I shall depart.
I'm here to see my dead lover's cannibalistic murderer.
If I end up in hysterics, I'll need an anus to cry in.
The Anus To Cry In division is down the hall from the holding cells.Make a 'pit' stop there on the way.

 

by MikeyG
12-18-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly-dee...
What do you think about me shavin' the beard, man?
I mean, when was the last time you saw a clean shaven Jesus?

 

by MikeyG
12-18-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
I was going to ask you to make me taller, but standing next to you I feel huge.
Bugger that, can you help me down, mate?
I've got to go scare the living shit out of some 'Thomas' guy in a couple hours.

 

by MikeyG
12-18-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Jesus, I...
Stop right there. I'm actually Bejesus, Jesus' bastard cousin.
I can only turn bread into pumpernickel, water into wine coolers, and make the blind merely very near-sighted.

 

by MikeyG
12-22-03
Hey, babe! What did you get me for Christmas?
Actually, I'll tell you, because that's not the surprise.
Ok, I guess. What is it?
It's Super Mario Bros. 3 for your old Nintendo sytem.
Cool! Can I see it?
Sure, bubba. You've just got to figure out where I hid it.

 

by MikeyG
12-22-03
Ow! Something just hit me in the head!
Ow! What the hell just landed on me?
Eewww! What just landed on my shoulder?
Aaargh! Did something just shit on my head?
...And Santa congratulated me with some of those cookies he always gets.
Holy shit, you hit 4 in a row? That's gotta be a record or something.

 

by MikeyG
12-22-03
Hey, Rumsfeld, yer plan to clone Elian Gonzales fer a public relations coup worked.
My question is who's gon' change the other six littl'uns?

 

by MikeyG
12-22-03
Dooooo do do da doooooo da doo doo doooooooo!
Da deeeee dee dooo da doo da doooooooo da doo doo doooooooooo!
Excuse me, what happened to your pipe and the other ten pipers?
They stole my pipe, went to Christina Aguilera's Christmas Orgy, and came down with Galactic Gonorrhea.

 

by MikeyG
12-22-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol!
They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!
They won't even think about US again until October!
FUCK Christmas!

 

by MikeyG
12-29-03
TOBOR RESOLVE NOT TO CORNHOLE THIS YEAR
I ain't gon' talk 'bout rotor turbines or gravitons neither this'n year.
I'm not going to be a punchline this year.
No mo sucky sucky fie dolla jokes dis yeah.
No more....ahh, fuck it.
WANGS!
DONGS!

 

by MikeyG
12-29-03
And who are YOU supposed to be?
I'm Droolverine.
I drown enemies in puddles of saliva while I relentlessly hump their leg.
Let me guess...
Apocapussylips?
No, no, no.
I'm Fagbeato.
I narrowmindedly beat up homosexuals, all the while getting a homosexual thrill from it and denying my own love of the cock.
I'm Cumspot. With the power of man-honey, I turn into a crap-flinging monkey.
This is the Secks-Men, dude.
You're looking for the Poo Mutants, who are over there taking turns getting Cleveland Steamers.

 

by MikeyG
12-29-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
I will retire to a tropical island, no longer acting as a symbol of commercialized holidays, plunging capitalism into chaos...
*I will retire to a tropical island, no longer acting as a symbol of commercialized holidays, plunging capitalism into chaos...*

 

by MikeyG
1-02-04
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Howdy, boys!
I up'n decided t'visit the troops on this Noo Yearz! Ain't y'all happy to see yer Prez?
Aw, shit. Just like Thanksgiving, except this time the fucker's got a fake bottle of champagne.

 

by MikeyG
1-02-04
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Yoooo hoooooo!
Holy shit, a fucking Andy Dick New Year's Special.

 

by MikeyG
1-02-04
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
We have come to smother you with a giant gym sock.
It's the ghost of all the sperm that have asphyxiated on my chest over the years!

 

by MikeyG
1-05-04

 

by MikeyG
1-05-04

 

by MikeyG
1-05-04

 

by MikeyG
1-05-04

 

by MikeyG
1-05-04
Michael, how are you feeling?
I know things with you and your girlfriend haven't been great lately.
Thanks, but dealing with the problem myself, I've found, is the best way to handle things.
Hey, that's great.
Listen, I'm getting a lot of flak from your stepmother about the condition of your room...
What?
I pay my rent, right?
I don't shit on the floor, right?
There's no food or socks on the floor.
I'm just disorganized.
That's not good enough, Michael.
Holy shit.
I'm 26, you fat monkey in a man-suit.
I don't eat your food, and I barely use your electricity.
Stand up to your wife or I'll piss on the furniture.

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
*whew!*
I'm glad they went to the 'on-the-scene' feed.
I needed some air!
That's enough talk, file-boy.
My pretty posie's petals are closing, so get your ass back down there!

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
I slept with your mom.
You must have cut in line, then, man. This happens every time someone can't wait their fuckin' turn!

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Well, a bunch of white people got really mad and started saying stuff like 'Fudge!', and 'Sugar!' because the new Celine Dion CD was sold out.
I'm guessing that's when the National Guard arrived en masse and 'broke it up' with prejudice.

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Am I on camera?
I wanna give a shout-out to my boy Bejeezus in the Boogie-Down Bronx!
And I gave up my job impersonating Bill Clinton for THIS?

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04

 

by MikeyG
1-06-04

 

by MikeyG
1-07-04

 

by MikeyG
1-07-04

 

by MikeyG
1-07-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
A strange fly started biting people on the ass!
Then the people turned purple and started shouting "Gnap! Gnap!" and biting each other's asses.
All's not well in the King's Forest...

 

by MikeyG
1-07-04

 

by MikeyG
1-07-04

 

by MikeyG
1-08-04
So that means we have no idea how much longer we'll live?
I guess we'll just have to hope it's not in five minutes.
Wait, what's that smell?
Do you smell something?
Yeah, actually...
Wait a second...
What kind of cave IS this...?
Ow! My ass hurts all of a sudden.
Here, let me take a look...

 

by MikeyG
1-09-04
I don't believe you, hairbag! The world is coming to an end!
All right, I'm not the squirrel.
I never went to Tibet, either.
I, like most people here, went into Dcom's ass.
Except I got lost.
Jesus!
Dcom's ass is like Mel Gibson's house-thingy in Lethal Weapon!
I know!
It looks so small from the outside, but once you're in it's like extradimensional.
Now we're in Dcom's brain, and out of all the implausibilities, the salvation of the world is allegedly in here.
Yeah, sounds like bullshit to me, too.
This is Dcom we're talking about.
Let's head back to the ass.

 

by MikeyG
1-09-04
Hey! I've come to fix stuff!
Um...okay.
Why did they send YOU?
The Doc said that the only one familiar enough with Dcom's ass to find what you're looking for is me!
Well, Smoke-em over here was just going to show us the way.
What are you going to do?
WANGS!
That's REALLY not going to help.

 

by MikeyG
1-09-04
Vell, ze remedy is und der zimple kind, but ze coseqvences are great.
Oh, man. I hope I don't have to watch Gigli again.
Ja, Herr Zombie, joo must vatch der bomben. Dis vill also save der vorld. Joo have no choice!
Crap! I don't think I can take it this time! How am I going to watch it without vomiting?
There's a swtich that says, "Rational Thought" here, and it's in the 'on' position.

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