All comics by Shadow_Artist

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by Shadow_Artist
8-10-02
I am Alien, hear me ROAR!
Well done, Alien.
So do I win?
Well, if you’re selected for the final…
Please, before you answer, bear in mind that one of us is holding a sub-nuclear atomiser…

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-10-02
This is for Female Independence! I am Woman, hear me roar!
Of all the entries I’ve listened to, yours is undoubtedly the worst.
Would a blowjob help change your mind?

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-10-02
I AM TOBOR, HEAR ME RAAAAARR! TOBOR CORNHOLE YOU!
Are you feeling okay?
RAAAAARR! TOBOR FEEL BETTER IF HE CORNHOLES YOU!
We’ll be in touch Tobor…
RAAAAARR! FOOLISH FLESHLING CANNOT OUTRUN TELESCOPIC PHALLUS!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-11-02
I know you think my life is going nowhere, working at the Kebab Stand as I do, so I've decided to take a job with long term prospects. I've joined the army!
Long term prospects! Are you crazy? People die in the army. That's a soldier's job - to die!
Don't worry! I've asked for deployment in an area that doesn't have any current conflict.
Praise Allah! Where will you be posted then?
The Falkland Islands.
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PENGUINS!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-11-02
So Bob, despite being cold and having a visible layer of scum on the surface, is the coffee cooling your carnivorous instincts?
Sure is Phil. The urge to rip open your belly and spill your intestines into my open mouth is still there, but the caffeine’s keeping it under control. *Cough*
Don't take this the wrong way, but I find it odd that only coffee can quell your destructive impulses.
Yeah, it's weird *Cough* I'll give you that. *Wheeze*
Mind you, I've always found chain smoking helps me resist the urge to kill.
*Cough* *Hack* You're a hero, Phil *Wheeze* You wouldn't *Cough* wouldn't hurt a *Hack* fly. *Cough*

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-11-02
Finally Susie, we've escaped from Mars, and just in time to enter Earth's 'Global Wet Bikini Contest'! I think it's time for a celebration, if you know what I mean...
Mmmmm, yes I do, Laura! And although I had multiple orgies with the Martians whilst on their world, I'm more than up for a long, hard, sister-on-sister sha...
We interrupt "Bisexual Incestuous 21 Year-Old Bikini-Model Twins in Space" to bring you the following announcement...
Erect Viewer. Hernandez was not given an Honourable Mention at CC135...
In a dark, damp rented apartment lives a rabbit. His name is Cottontail...
...we will not be showing any more quality programming until this situation has been righted...
Where's my shotgun? WHERE'S MY SHOTGUN!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-12-02
AND IN THE NEXT ENCLOSURE, YOU WILL SEE THAT MOST MAJESTIC OF FLIGHTLESS BIRDS - THE OSTERICH!
Squawk!
Those aren't ostriches. They're just a couple of mike stands.
THE OSTERICH IS FAMOUS FOR IT'S SINGLE LONG LEG AND ABILITY TO AMPLIFY SOUND…

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-12-02
Soon, law enforcement will be handled by advanced robots...
Hand over the bag, doll-face!
Oh no! A petty thief! Help!
...but none will be more effective than RocketCops!
HALT VILLIAN! I AM ROCKETCOP#1049!
Yikes! A RocketCop! I surrender! The gal can have her handbag back!
Merciless, incorruptible and available in a range of colours, RocketCops will make the streets safe once again. Go RocketCop!
TOO LATE! YOU MUST BE PUNISHED WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
I demand to see my lawy...ARRRRGGGHH!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-13-02
Getting married on the beach was a lovely idea, darling! It's so romantic!
And to preserve this moment for all time, I've hired one of those new Robot Wedding Photographers!
Activating Missile Guidance System...Target Locked...Enabling Flash...Beginning Photographer Soundtrack...
SMILE PEOPLE. IT'S YOUR WEDDING!
One weekend of frenzied honeymoon sex later and the photographs arrive...
Why are so many of these shots zoomed in on my cleavage?
Beats me. I never want to look at those bags of crap...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-14-02
The ship's going down, Nelson! What do we do?
Firstly George, it's a plane. Secondly, don't worry - the robotic stewardess will tell us how to survive this disaster.
EVACUATION FROM PLANE SUCCESSFUL...ACTIVATING PARACHUTE...DESCENT RATE DECREASING...UNIT SAFETY ASSURED...
I knew it was a bad idea to equip the stewardesses with a survival instinct.
An even worse idea was equipping a passenger plane with only one parachute...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-14-02
I say, old boy! Sorry for dragging you down to the ocean depths like this! It's a spot of billy-bother and no mistake!
Yeah...would you do one thing for me? Explain why an 800lb metal robot would think he'd be any good as a lifeguard?
Gladly, old bean! Just as soon as you explain how you're able to breathe and talk underwater!
Curse your logic...*Blub*

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
Our story starts with ship. A ship filled with international aid for the less fortunate...
Soon Mr Glum! Soon are cargo of fluffy teddy bears will be with the orphans who need them most…
Pirates!
Arrrrr! ‘And over tha teddy bears or’ll bugger ya with a dinosaur bone!
Father Christmas! You’re a pirate?
Wha, ya actually thought I made all the kiddies presents maself? ArrrHAHAHAHA!
Ulp!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
Please Santa, don’t be so cruel! The orphans need these toy bears. They have nothing else in the world besides liver failure and malnutrition!
Arrr! Ya be a kindly gent, so a’ll not be a buggerin’ ya wi’no dino-bone!
My tight virgin butt thanks you, Captain Claus! But I really wish you…
‘Old on tha matey! Did ya say ya butt were a’virgin in tha ways of booty sex?
Errr, yes…
Then I withdraw ma offer! Thank goodness I always check ma list twice! Arrrahahaha!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
Is there nothing I can do to persuade you against anally raping me?
Tha devil ‘imself couldn’t stop me plunderin’ behinds! But first, where’s ya cargo?
In the hold below deck, marked ‘Teddy Bear Cargo – For Grubby Orphan Hands Only’
Arrr! Brilliant! I’ll be a’fetchin’ it now. I’ll leave ya with me first mate – Master Bate.
Hello.
*Drool*

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
So…Master Bate…you enjoy being a pirate?
*Drool*
I see…well, surely you don’t approve of Santa raping me, do you?
*Drool* *Drool*
I’ll take the increase in excess saliva to be a yes, shall I?
*Drool*

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
Arrr! Master Bate! Take tha teddies I’ve plundered back to tha ship!
*Drool*
Master Bate takes the cargo aboard Captain Claus' ship; 'The Christmas Queer'.
Arrr! Tha Captain has plundered some teddy bears!
On closer inspection...
Arrr…he really HAS plundered these teddy bears…
*Drool* *Drool*

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
Arrr! Now that I’ve plundered ya teddies, it’s time ta plunder ya sweet ass!
Ulp…shall I bend over then?
Moments later…
ARRRRRRRR!
Arrrrgh!
Moments later…again…
Arrr! A fine bit of booty you had there, matey!
Oh God…I’m bleeding…

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
Years later, in an expensive therapy session...
And you say you were raped by Father Christmas?
Yes. After he anally-assaulted my cargo of teddy bears that is.
You’re going to give yourself arthritis if you press that panic button any harder…

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-16-02
Hours later, in a Maximum Security Asylum...
Great. I’m in a nuthouse, I’ve been declared a danger to society, and my wife’s sleeping with the neighbour’s dog.
Still, there is a bright side to all this. At least I’m not being ass-raped by Father Christmas!
Ding Dong! Visiting Hours!
You’ve got five minutes, Santa.
Arrr! Five minutes ‘ll be plenty…

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-17-02
Hey Samantha! Nice top you've got on there. It really shows off your tits!
Grrrrrr! I am sick and tired of everyone treating me like a free blowjob! I do have a brain you know!
Just because I'm blonde, bubbly and attractive people think I'm an easy lay! Well, I may be a bit dumb, but I'm not going to be treated like a sex toy anymore!
You're not blonde, Sam. You're a redhead.
*Giggle* That is so sweet. Want a shag?

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-21-02
Okay people! Let's get ready to…why are you looking around the room? Why are…oh, wait a minute. I’ve gone invisible again, haven’t I?
Damn! Still the doctor warned me I might go this way. Don’t worry people, I always carry a mask. It'll give you some idea of where I am. Let me put it on…
Better?

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-22-02
Hey there Jeff! How'd the fishing go?
Great, thanks Bob! I had a real whopper on at one point, thought it was going to snap my line! It was at least THIS big!
You've never really grasped the principle of exaggeration, have you Jeff?

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-23-02
A terrible storm rages overhead as Dr DooDoo is called into action...
Morbid crowd of onlookers, stand aside and let me through! What seems to be the problem my good man?
Please...help me Doctor...I'm dying...it was the lightning...
Lightning? My dear dying patient, you can't possibly be a victim of a lightning strike. There's not a sign of electrocution on you!
No Dr DooDoo...it isn't a lightning strike that's killing me...I'm having a heart attack!
Heart Attack? Why?
Thunderbolt and Lightning, very, very frightening...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-24-02
You want to play hide and seek, honey?
Sure, just so long as you give me anal sex afterwards!
The game begins...
Come out, come out wherever you...ah! She's behind the curtains! I see a little silhouetto of a...man!
Cripes! Better put my disguise back on or all will be lost...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-24-02
Dr Snow's surgery...
Doctor! Doctor! You've got to help me! I've lost my cat, Gallileo!
Please, don't talk to me unless you have a medical concern...
Outside Dr Snow's surgery...
Gallileo, Gallileo! Gallileo, Gallileo! Have you seen my cat, Gallileo?
For the last time, NO!
Back inside again...
Doctor! Doctor! You've got to help me! This giant red robot thinks I'm a cat! He's been holding me hostage and feeding me canned tuna! I keep trying to tell him I'm a squirrel but...
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A BLOODY AGONY AUNT!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-24-02
You wanted to see me, sweetie?
Sure did. Thing is babes, I've got terminal cancer, so I thought I'd tell you where I've buried millions of government bonds before I die a painful death.
That way you can live a happy, wealthy life when I'm gone! Now, the bonds are hidden at...Too late, my time has come.
Heh heh...Hell's got a naked statue of Hitler that's just begging to have a sinner's ass plunged onto it's erect, marble phallus...
The next day...
...so you see Dr Bloodygills, I'm worried that I'll get depressed over the loss of both my boyfriend and his undisclosed millions!
I see. Well, recent medical research indicates that the best way to prevent depression is to swallow large quantites of shark semen...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
Oh Rich Asian Doctor Girl, I get such terrible headaches. It feels like there's a six-elephant orgy going on in my head!
Elephant orgy you say? Well, there is a new drug on the market that is proven to completely stop headaches of all kinds. It'll cost you $24,000 a pill, and you'll need to take six a day.
I'm just a poor boy from a poor family. I can't afford such treatment! Do you have any other medicine?
Well, there is an alternative treatment we could try...
Moments later...
So how long do you think it will take for the evil spirits to leak away?
Evil spirits? I was just going to suggest you get plenty of rest...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
A new guest books in for the night at an ordinary motel...
Ah, a bowl of complimentary fruit. How delightful!
Rub the lemon...rub the lemon...RUB THE LEMON!
Cripes! Telepathic fruit! I'm outta here!
No. Don't leave. Please just rub the...Curses! Will no-one release the Genie of the Lemon?

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
The next evening, a family books into the motel room containing the imprisoned Genie of the Lemon...
Rub the lemon...rub the lemon...RUB THE LEMON!
Cool! Mutant fruit! Sure little lemon, I'll give you a rub.
FLASH! BOOM! etc.
I am the Genie of the Lemon!
Mom! The lemon in the bowl of fruit was talking to me and telling me to rub it so I rubbed it and now the lemon's released a genie who says he's called the Genie of the Lemon!
That's nice dear...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
In an ordinary motel room, a little girl has just released The Genie of the Lemon...
I am the Genie of the Lemon! I have been held within that lemon for many, many years, but now you have freed me. Thank you.
No problem Mr Genie of the Lemon, sir. My name's Becky, by the way.
Well Becky, for setting me free I will use my amazing powers to grant you four wishes!
Four? Don't genie's usually grant just three wishes?
You are referring to genies held within lamps. I am the Genie of the Lemon, a far more gracious otherworldly spirit!
And here was me thinking that untold thousands of years imprisonment within a lemon would have made you sour...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
The little girl Becky considers her first wish, courtesy of The Genie of the Lemon...
Please Mistress Becky, make your first wish!
Okay! Erm...I wish that I was really rich and beautiful!
Your wish will be granted...
Hey sexy! How many blowjobs will £500,000 get me?
GENIE!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
Wishing to be rich and attractive, The Genie of the Lemon turned his mistress Becky into a upmarket prostitute...
Is anything wrong, Mistress Becky?
Wrong! You've turned me into a whore! This isn't what I wanted! Change me back, now!
Changing you back will cost a wish...
A wish? Then I'd only have two left. Mmmm, perhaps I should give this thing a try first. I mean, I AM very rich and attractive...
One business transaction later...
That was great, but next time could you pay a little more attention to my testicles?
GENIE!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
Not finding the taste of professional prostitution to her liking, Becky commands the Genie of the Lemon to change her back...
What is your third desire, Mistress Becky?
Something which you can’t screw up! I wish for an end to world hunger!
As you wish, Mistress Becky…
Millions of starving people have vanished. Preliminary reports suggest that 80% of Africa’s population has disappeared…
GENIE!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
In accordance with Becky’s wish to end world hunger, the Genie of the Lemon destroyed every starving person on the planet…
You have one wish left, Mistress Becky. How will you use it?
I wish you were trapped inside your lemon again!
NOOOOOOOOO!
What...what are you going to do with me?
Flush you down the toilet.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-25-02
Upon going to the toilet, Becky’s mother notices a lemon floating on the surface. It isn’t long before…
Honey! I found that genie friend of yours!
Oh no! You didn’t summon him, did you?
Yes, but we’ll talk about that later. I’ve got a young man in my bed waiting for some 'paid affection'. Us attractive women have to work to get rich, you know!
Damn you Genie of the Lemon! You turned her into a whore too!
I didn’t turn her into anything. She said she’d make her first wish when she’s done seeing her clients…

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-26-02
DoctorJeffory! Are you ready to…
Just relax Ben. It’s difficult, but we’ll do the best we can.
The Operating Theatre
A little high. Little low…woah! Perfect. Hold them right there while I staple them on!
So Ben, are you pleased with the results?
Sure am Doctor Jeffory! I’ve never looked so feminine before in my life!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-26-02
Doctor! Doctor! I keep turning into a hideous monster! I’ve gone to other doctors but they just run away when I transform.
Don’t worry. I’m not scared of monsters! Did I mention I’ve written a best-selling book and met the President of America?
It’s happening again Doctor!
Arrrgggghhh! Mommy!
Scaramouch!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-28-02
Save the environment. Conserve energy. Feed the orphans. Don't commit adultry...
...Abstain from anger. Love your neighbour. Protect the children. Give to charity...
...Support the local econo...Wow. The road to Hell really IS paved with good intentions...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-29-02
Congratulations Maura! You've won 'Grand Prize Giveaway'! You can either have $50,000, or the Mystery Prize.
Mystery Prize! Mystery Prize!
The Mystery Prize this week is a pink donkey!
Cluck.
Donkey's don't say cluck...
Tune in next week for another exciting episode of 'Grand Prize Giveaway'!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-30-02
The winner of this year’s Mercy Killings Award goes to Maura, for her pro-euthanasia essay ‘Mercy = Free Beds’
Oh goody! What’s my prize?
You get to perform euthanasia at a hospital of your choice!
Euthanasia, hey…
At a hospital of Maura’s choice…
But I don’t have a terminal illness! I’m only here to have my tonsils out!
Shhh. It’s okay. The suffering will soon be over…

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-30-02
Congratulations Maura! You’ve won this years ‘Guess the Perfume’ competition!
Oh thank you, thank you! I’m so pleased!
To celebrate your victory, we at ‘Modern Beauty’ will give you a free makeover, turning you into an irresistible boy-magnet!
Yay!
A day of hard cosmetic treatment later…
And you’re sure men will find me attractive like this?
Absolutely. They’ll be dying to spend money on you!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-30-02
One sunny day at a local school fair...
We shall now be drawing the numbers for the raffle. The winner is number 266!
I've got 266! I've won!
Well done Maura! First prize is a free consultation with a cosmetic surgeon.
Later that day...
Yes, it is possible, but I don't understand why you'd want a penis hanging from your forehead...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-30-02
Doo de doo de doo...
Doo de doo de doo...
Doo de doo de doo...
Maura, I know that by winning the spitting contest you’re entitled to stick your finger up my arse and treat me like a puppet, but can I please have SOME DIGNITY!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-31-02
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy...
Congratulations Betty! You've got the lead role in my new play - Female Hamlet in the 22nd Century!
Yay!
Well done Mr Skull. You're a great supporting actor Mr Skull...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-31-02
The printing room for the newspaper 'The Reporter'...
Hold the front page! I've just got an account of an exciting incident that happened downtown.
"Elderly widow catches falling man as he attempts suicide over bridge..." Is this statement accurate?
Well most of it is. I mean, someone did jump off a bridge...

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-01-02
You know what Mark? I've decided to become a famous comedian! I'll start with a one-man stand-up show.
Cool! A one-man stand-up show! Can I have a part in it?
Cretin.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-02-02
Meanwhile, up in Heaven...
Thanks for the game of hide-and-seek, Satan! It was great fun, and to think you almost didn't find m...
Okay Satan. Where's the Earth?

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-04-02
Shadow Artist! For reaching the 100 comic mark all your fans have clubbed together to give you one free wish!
Free wish? Oh, right…thank you. Erm, I wish for…I wish for…
FLASH! BANG! etc.
Sucky Sucky, Fi’ Dolla?
You used your 100th comic wish to summon an underage Asian prostitute?
I panicked, okay…

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-08-02
Good morning Nathan! Isn't it great to be alive!
Yeah...Look, Ralph, I hate to spoil your good mood, but I wouldn't look in the mirror any time soon.
Why not? I've not broken out in acne again, have I?
Not quite...
Intrigued, Ralph looked in a mirror...
Oh dear.

 

Comic removed because it wasn't funny. At all.
by Shadow_Artist, 9-15-02

Showing page 2.

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