All comics by CHUBBY

 

by CHUBBY
10-01-04
Hey, Junior! I hope we're not keeping you up past your bedtime! Harharhar!
Why, not at all, "Dick". But I usually do have a snack about this time. I hope you don't mind if I nuke this burrito.
No, kid, not the microwave! My pacemaker! My heart! ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
*THUNK

 

by CHUBBY
10-02-04
This way, please.
Hello, Paris. I am the Prince of Darkness. Welcome to hell. We've been expecting you.
That's hot.

 

by CHUBBY
10-02-04
Oh, noooooooooo!!!!!
What's the matter?
Conan O'Brien is going to host the TONIGHT SHOW after 2009!
So? What possible difference could that make to you?
In my fantasy late night league, I had Jon Stewart.

 

by CHUBBY
10-02-04
One day one of my soldiers ran up to me and said:
Captain! Captain! I was in town getting supplies and I saw Death! He saw me and pointed his finger at me! I must flee! If I leave now, I can get to Samarra before nightfall!
All right.
A short time later, I saw Death, and I scolded him.
Death, you scared away one of my best soldiers! Why what are you doing?
I'm sorry about that. It's just that I was surprised to see him here, that's all. I have an appointment with him tomorrow-- in Samarra.

 

by CHUBBY
10-02-04
GREAT MOMENTS IN SUPREME COURT HISTORY.
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, BUCK V. BELL.
Three generations of imbeciles is enough.
ANTONIN "THE WEASEL" SCALIA, DUBYA V. GORE.
One generation of imbeciles is not enough.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Suburbia, 2004
Why can't I go to this school? I can walk here, Mom.
You have to be bussed to the ghetto school so that black children can come here.
See the original strip at http://www.maxwell.syr.edu/plegal/scales/brownvis.html
I hate that long bus ride! I have to get up early just to go to that old school for blacks!
To be continued....
I don't like Linda's school! The building is old and the classes are crowded! I worry about her education!
I know. The black schools are not as good as the white schools. Let's do something about it!

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
2006. The Supreme Court
My clients, the Pinks, believe segregated schools are harmful.
This court rules unanimously that Brown v. Board of Education applies only to dejure segregation, not defacto segregation. Therefore, Linda Pink should be allowed to attend the school nearest her...
See the original at http://www.maxwell.syr.edu/plegal/scales/brownvis.html
... thus adhering not only to the letter, but the spirit of Brown. And if I may add a personal note here, DUH!
Unfortunately, in the previous year, Linda Pink had been killed in a schoolyard shooting.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Oh my God, Michelle? Is that you? I don't believe it! You're so skinny!
Yep. I lost 344 lbs. I had my stomach stapled.
That's fantastic!
Yeah, but it has its disadvantages. My skin's really sagging. I desperately need a tummy tuck and plastic surgery on my arms, neck, and boobs.
Still-- it must be great to be able to wear nice clothes for once. That's a cute blouse you have on.
I'm not wearing a blouse.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
RING. You have reached Aspen Edge, the super-premium low-carb beer with the great taste. Please leave a message after the beep.
Hello, Aspen Edge. I've never called beer before. Your radio ad campaign, where a series of skeptical wiseacres call and leave you sarcastic messages doubting that you could really brew ...
... a low-carb beer with great taste, would be hysterically, fall-down funny if it HAD great taste. If it had any taste at all. But it doesn't.
BEEP. Aspen Edge? Isn't it true that if one drinks enough beer that switching to a low-carb brand is going to make a difference in one's diet, that one is not only fat, but an alcoholic?
BEEP. Aspen? Can't I make my own low-carb beer by mixing Bud and water 50-50? BEEP. Ass? I feel I know you by now. Can't I drink distilled spirits and get no carbs? Why would I drink this donkey piss?
BEEP. Hallo dere! You is de low carber and I is de low carbee. When you be makin' a low-carb malt liquor in a 40? My baby mother be gettin fat in the bootay. And I gots to make a bootay call. BEEP.
Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it! BEEP. BEEP. Um, isn't this just light beer? BEEP. Why is Aspen Edge like making love in a canoe? Give up? BEEP. Are you any relation to The Edge?

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
RING. You have reached Aspen Edge, the super-premium low-carb beer with the great taste. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP.
Hey, I've got a new slogan for you: "Buy enough of this shitty beer and maybe Pete Coors will forget about running for the Senate." BEEP. Whatever happened to "malternatives"? BEEP. YOU SUCK! BEEP.
Isn't it true the DuPonts consider the Coors to be "a little wacky"? BEEP. Whatever happened to dry beer? BEEP. Yo' mama! BEEP. Whatever happened to ice beer? BEEP. Hey, what are you wearing? BEEP.
Whatever happened to clear beer? BEEP. Low carbonation? So I can drink it without URRRRRP! BEEP. Whatever happened to Champale? You know, the ale you drink like champagne? BEEP.
I had to stop drinking your beer. That and the low-fat Twinkies were making me TOO skinny! BEEP. My name is Sue, and I'm an alcoholic. I've had nothing to drink since March 3, except Aspen Edge.
BEEP. You should call it Dull Edge! BEEP. In a few months, are you going to come out with an ad campaign that says low-carb beer is a crock, like Bud did? BEEP. I'd rather drink my own urine. BEEP.
I'd rather drink someone else's urine. BEEP. I have a great marketing strategy for you. Don't distribute east of the Mississippi. BEEP. You have reached a number that has been disconnected.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Scotch-Irish? What are they?
Well, Billy, the Scotch-Irish came to this country from Britain by way of Ireland to the Appalachians. They settled the wilderness, lived in log cabins, and grew corn, which they made into moonshine.
Their culture is based on guns and evangelism. They disregard education and aristocracy. In many ways, they defined the character of , if not the country, at least the South and Midwest.
Famous Scotch-Irish includeJeff Gordon, Arnie Palmer, Andrew Jackson, Stonewall Jackson, U. S. Grant, Chester Arthur, George Patton, Audie Murphy, Mark Twain, Margaret Mitchell, Larry McMurtry...
John Wayne, Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Jimmy Stewart, Tallulah Bankhead, Pat Tillman, John McCain, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton...
Oh, I get it now. My daddy calls them "white trash".

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Everything I was taught in school back in the day is wrong. For example, they told us "The panda bear is not a bear. It is a member of the raccoon family." And "The capital of China is Peking."
Of course I'm a bear, dumbass. Do I look like a raccoon to you?
It's BEI-JING, roundeyes!
I was taught that the correct pronunciation was "HAIL-lees comet" and "your-ANUS".
It's HAL-lees.
And "URINE-us". Although I don't see how that's any better.
"The electoral college chooses the President."
It's the supreme court, baby. Hehe.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Oh, noooooooooo!!!!!
What's the matter?
Art Tillman was killed in Afghanistan by friendly fire!
So? What possible difference could that make to you?
I had Bret Favre killed by Iraqi extremists in my fantasy war league.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Hey, "Dick"! (hehe) Ah've been thinkin'...
Hoo boy. Here goes.
Ah need something to energize mah campaign. So Ah'm gonna announce that before this decade is out, we will send a man to the sun and return him safely to the earth.
Dubya, you stupid fuck. If you send a man to the sun, he'll be burnt to a crisp!
"Dick"! (hehe) Ah know you think Ah'm dumb and all, but Ah've thought this through. We'll go at night!
Badump bump.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Dubya has been imprisoned for high crimes and misdemeanors. And now, so has former Vice-President "Dick" Cheney.
Hey, Boy! I'm looking for Dubya! Isn't this his cell?
Shut up bitch, and bend over!
Take it easy there, Sambo. Don't you know who I am? I'm "Dick"--
I'll show you dick, motherfucker!
Later...
This is why I came out in favor of gay marriage.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
So, he was a musician?
Are you kiddin' me, Gil? That's John Entwistle, the most famous bass player in the world. You don't know him?
I stopped listening to pop music when Glenn Miller died.
He and his band were supposed to start their comeback tour tonight at the hotel.
cont....
Well, I guess we should talk to them first. What's the name of the band? The band. The group. The combo. The recording artists. The rockers. The musicians. The singers of songs. The performers.
The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who. The Who.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
This is no time for games, Nick. I'm asking you, John Entwistle was with the who?
I'm telling you, John Entwistle was with The Who.
You're not telling me. You're asking me. Look: If I went down to the record store to buy one of their albums, I would go down to the record store and ask for the who?
Naturally.
cont....
So I'd go down and ask for the new LP by Naturally?
No, you'd go down and ask for the new album by The Who.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Previously, on CSI.
No, you'd go down to the store and ask for The Who.
Naturally.
So, that's the bassplayer from The Who?
Naturally.
Jim, can you explain it to Gil, please?
Hey, what do I look like, a Gil foil? Maybe the theme music will ring a bell.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
So long, Bubba. See you next week! (wink)
Bye, Cindy Lou. I'm gonna go home and get some shuteye. (wink)
Three hours missing....
Bin-Laden's in NYC and he's got a dirty nuke!
Never mind that... Bubba Jones is missing! Hunk! Call Interpol! Blondie! Comb his high school yearbook for clues! Token Negress! Canvass every building in a 100-mile radius! What are you waiting for?

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Previously, on Without a Trace.
What are you waiting for, people! Don't you know if a missing person isn't found in the first six hours, he may never be? Let's go, go, go!
Nobody can understand your thick Australian accent, boss. Where are you off to-- Kevin Costner's dialect coach?
No, I'm off to see Bubba's wife-- that is, if she's not already-- the WIDOW JONES!
Cue scary chord and commercial!
Sunday night on CBS... more of the same! 8:00 NAVY NCSI 9:00 JAG: Public Health Service 10:00 CSI: Fumbuck And tonight on THE LATE SHOW, Dave laughs it up with his guest, "Dick" Cheney!

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Four hours missing...
Were you on them battery commercials?
No, ma'am. The past six weeks when your husband "disappeared" we found out he cashed his check at the liquor store when he got off the swing shift and met the receptionist at the Motel 5 for "lunch".
Well, I s'pose he could be there now... Hey was you on "JAG"?
No, ma'am.
Four and a half hours missing...
So long, babe. Thanks for the use of the hall! Oh, hello G-men!

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Well, NYC's history.
Yeah, but Bubba's safe! HAHAHAHAHAHA
*The president of the George "Goober" Lindsay Fan Club
If you've seen this missing person, please contact your local FBI-- oh, never mind, he just walked in.
Coming up on I'm Witless News: Is your spouse cheating on you? And the president* dies. Film at 11.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Joan, you must go to the White House and say psspsspsspss...
Um, OK, God.
DUBYA SUCKS!
Secret Service. Freeze!
When you get out, go to the Emmy awards and psspsspsspss...
Let Your Will be done!

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
And the nominees for best "Law & Order" knockoff are... hey, who are you? Security!
DUBYA SUCKS "DICK"!
Please, God... for the love of You... tell me why you're doing this!
Is that her?
Yeah. She'll think you're God... don't ask, it's a long story. There's $50 in it for you if you tell her that tonight, after her parents go to bed, she's to go to her brother's room and give him oral.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Well, I just think Dubya sucks!
Oh, c'mon-- "Dick" is much worse. Hey, a corpse! Call 911!
Chungchung.
He didn't have any id on him.
Well, they don't check id where he's going. Cue theme!
To be continued on "Law & Order: SUV"
What are you doing around here? You waitin' fo' the suspect to turn himself in?
Yeah, actually. Hey, you look great. You been on Atkins?

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Chungchung.
Look, Fats, you don't want a lawyer. You want another cheeseburger. You can have one if you confess.
Ok, whatever.
Chungchung.
We have a confession, eyewitnesses, your DNA all over the scene (ew), and your fingerprints on the murder weapon, which is registered to you. If you plead guilty, I'll sterilize the needle. Deal?
To be continued on "Law & Order: CSI"
No deal, Jack. My client asked for a lawyer and didn't get one. So all the evidence gets thrown out. Poisonous fruit tree and all that. Here's my motion to suppress.
I'll argue inevitable discovery.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Chungchung.
Inevitable discovery, my ass! Your free to go, sir.
Thank you, your highness.
Chungchung.
Well, well, if it ain't Fats' long-lost twin brother! You're under arrest, and this time, I'm gonna advise you of your rights!
To be continued on: "Law & Order: Crime & Punishment".
Your honor, my client has close ties to the community-- McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King. We're asking that you pay us bail.
He killed a man for a hamburger on Tuesday. The people ask a million billion squintillion dollars.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Chungchung.
Would you confess for a hamburger?
Sure. DOH! You tricked me!
Chungchung.
We find the defendant guilty as hell, your honor.
Chungchung.
Well, Serena, you don't teach a hound dog to sing by nailin' his tail to the floor.
Yes, Arthur, but we almost sent an innocent man to the-- what does that mean, anyway?

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
On March 1, 1932, Charles Lindbergh, Jr. was kidnapped from his nursery and murdered. Bruno Richard Hauptmann was framed for the crime, but the murderer was probably Charles Lindbergh Sr.
Well, his widow must have helped cover it up. Let's bring her in and lean on her.
We have a letter from you to your mother, just a week after the kidnapping, where you don't even mention it! What's up with that?
Oh, my heart!
What happened?
I don't know, something went wrong. But before she died, I'm pretty sure she confessed everything.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
On November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Lee Harvey Oswald was framed for the crime, but he was killed before he could be tried.
Do we have any suspects?
A Texas businessman called in a tip to the FBI a few days earlier that JFK would be killed-- in Houston, diverting resources away from Dallas. He also had motive, means, and opportunity.
Let's get him!
George Herbert Walker Bush! Freeze, asshole!

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
At Abu Ghraib, Brig. Gen. Karpinski met an Israeli interrogator.
I'm Nick Berg. The Israelis thought I was an Iraqi spy. I did visit my Iraqi uncle's brother here, and the "20th hijacker" once sent an email from my addy. I installed the TV antenna at Abu Ghraib.
I was also in US custody at one point. And in the decapitation video, I am wearing an Army-issue jumpsuit and sitting in an Army-issue chair, in front of a wall that looks like Abu Ghraib.
The killers are awfully large and white for Arab terrorists. And one of them wears white sneakers. Despite the fact that we already know what he looks like "Al-Zarqawi" wears a mask.
Hi, I'm Abu Musad Al-Zarqawi. So why am I wearing a mask? Uh--
You sayin' I look fat? The camera adds 15 lbs., you know.
Maybe the Israeli dropped a dime on me and the US said if you kill a spy to get your atrocities off page one, the two crimes cancel each other out. And thanks to me, they got to see themselves on tv.
Oh, wait. That would be against the Constitution. I'm sure Dubya's administration would have nothing to do with something like that. Never mind. You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
Republicans are against abortion, right?
Vice-President Quayle, if abortion was illegal here, what would you do if your daughter, Sanquentin Quayle, was knocked up by a big, uncircumcised black rapist?
She's always wanted to visit Switzerland. In fact, I better get her to bone up on her Swiss.
Republicans are against stem cell research, right?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Reagan. There's nothing more we can do but try to make him comfortable. If only stem cell research was legal--
Oh yeah? GET THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF THE FREEZER! I'LL THAW THEM IN THE MICROWAVE MYSELF IF I HAVE TO! SO WHAT IF RONNIE'S 124 YEARS OLD!
Republicans are against gay marriage, right?
My daughter, Mary Cheney, is a lesbian, and I wouldn't want her to have to have a marriage of convenience with a rich white guy and be miserable all her life. Like her mom.
Like me. If you're two-faced, why would you wear that one?

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
0900 ZULU: WASHINGTON, DC
Sir, we can't prosecute this man for burning prisoners at Abu Ghraib. He was a civilian contractor, and he's not subject to our rules because, to cut costs, he wasn't even hired by the Defense Dept.
Who the hell did hire him?
The Department of the Interior.
Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

 

by CHUBBY
10-03-04
What do you get when West Virginia white trash is sent to guard Iraqi prisoners in a dirty little war?
You get GIRLS GONE WILD: IRAQ, filled with scenes like these, showing Lynndie England having sex with other guards, right in front of the other prisoners!
Censored by the United States Department of Defense. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
GIRLS GONE WILD-- IRAQ! We give it two-- uh, feet up!

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
On January 20, 2005, Dubya was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from the American people.
With nowhere else to go, he showed up at the home of his childhood friend, Saddam Hussein. Some months earlier, Americans had thrown him out, requesting that he never return.
Can two deposed dictators share a ruined palace without driving each other crazy? (Cont.)

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
The New Odd Couple was filmed before a live audience.
Dubya, you're three hours late! The girls will be here any minute! (LAUGHTER)
Never mind that, Saddam. President Kerry turned me over to the International War Crimes Tribunal and they sentenced me to death. (LAUGHTER)
Hey, I am having an idea. Why don't I testify as a character witness on your behalf? (LAUGHTER)
Saddam, I could kiss you! Uh, maybe later. (LAUGHTER) And whatever you do, don't mention Nick Berg! They don't know I gave the order to chop off his head! (LAUGHTER)
Cont.
And so, in conclusion, Dubya is a loving husband, a wonderful father, and a devout Christian. (HUGE, SHOW STOPPING LAUGHTER) And he had nothing to do with decapitating Nick Berg. OOPS! (LAUGHTER)

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Theme music: Lentemente
Dubya. Dubya. Dubya. I am being so sorry. Because of me, they will surely execute you.
Well, that's OK, Saddam. I forgive you.
You do?
Sure. I'm a Christian. (LARGEST LAUGH IN HISTORY) I'm goin' home to Jesus. (RECORD SHATTERED) And look, my last meal came with a new toy! Plus, I get my final wish when I go the electric chair.
That's nice. What did you wish for?
To hold you in my lap.

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
I'm a red state. My guy's gonna win.
I'm a blue state. My guy's gonna win.
CHOMP!
I am Muslim state. My guy gonna win. Allah akhbar!

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Coming this fall on Fox: A new action drama-- SECURITY MOMS!
They'll go to any length to hunt down the terrorists and kill them!
You, uh-- see anything you like?
TABOO!
Well, almost any length.
Quick! To the minivan! Geof took Noah and Hannah to Chuck E. Cheese so I made a "date" with the convenient store guy! While I'm seducing him in back, you try to find clues to Osama's hideout!
Can't. I have to pick up Megan at soccer. Besides, that guy's a Sikh.

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Have you been injured? Call the law offices of Rudy Giuliani. Bayonne, Newark, New Brunswick.
Time Magazine People of the Year 2001-- Those wacky Dubya-mint twins, Jenna & Barb!
I don't give a rat's ass. I'm gonna invade Iraq anyways.

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Tommy Chong-- CAPTURED
Martha Stewart-- CAPTURED
Osama Bin-Laden: Still at large
But I just want the American people to know we still got two out of three, and that ain't bad.

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Good evening, and welcome to Faux News Network's coverage of the vice-presidential debate. With me as always, is Ferdie. That was something, eh, Ferdie?
It sure was, Mart. "Dick" clearly the winner tonight. He stayed on message, he showed that he would be ready to lead the country if (God forbid) anything happen to Dubya, he demonstrated a mastery....
Uh, Ferdie-- "Dick" had a massive coronary before the debate even began.
Oh.
We can edit that out, can't we?

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
The Scalia Commission released its preliminary findings today that "Dick" was accidentally killed by Senator John Edwards (D-NC) nuking a burrito.
That's right, Bob, but the findings are already being disputed by some, notable Sen. Arlen Specter (Nazi-PA).
I knew "Dick". I love "Dick". I also love the junior senator from PA, Santorum. "Dick" couldn't have been killed by one burrito. What was this, some kind of "Magic Burrito"?
"As evidence, Sen. Specter offered this computer-enhanced blowup of the debate video. He claims a grainy image in the background is stagehand Darnell Jefferson nuking a second burrito."

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
All day long, I've been trying to think of a word to describe Vice-President "Dick" Cheney.
I bet it's "Shithead". It'll bring the house down.

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Now, I'd like to introduce the next speaker, who by the way, is also going to be my new running mate.
ME! ME! PICK ME!!!!!
Siddown and shaddup, Arlen!

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
My new running mate was a divorced, disgraced, washed-up, has-been, 2d-rate lame duck who, much like me, rode this whole 9/11 thing back to fame. The former Mayor of NYC, Rudy Giuliani!
Thanks, Dubya. Great to be here.
Well, it's great to have you on the ticket. I really feel confident that we're gonna win now.
Why?
Cause I'm runnin' as vice-president.

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Dubya, wait up. You're running as VICE-PRESIDENT?
That's right, Laura.
You know, don't you, that Dick was doing your job the last four years? The Vice-President usually just waits around for the President to die. He does NOTHING.
Yeah? You think I can't handle that?
No, I think you're overqualified.

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Well, anyway, it was a lovely service. When is "Dick" being buried?
He ain't bein' buried, Laura. He's been frozen.
WHAT?
Yep. That's what he wanted. To go to one of them, uh, cryptofascist places.
Meanwhile....
Must... thaw... out... Must... find... Turkish... bath...

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
"Dick"! Is that you?
Yep.
I thought you was frozen!
I was, but...
Sometime earlier, at Cryptofascistco, Nancy Reagan and her gang have breached security...
OK, the little tadpoles must be in here. Shut down the coolers! Hey, little guys! Have no fear, Nancy's here!

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
Dubya, I'm back on the ticket!
That's great news, "Dick". "Dick" & Dubya-- together again! Just like, uh, Dumb and Dumber. But I don't know how to tell Giuliani. It'll break his tiny, flinty li'l heart.
I already told him.
Yeah? How'd he take the news that you and me is runnin' together agin?
Who said anything about you?

Showing page 3.

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