All comics by Injokester

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by Injokester
9-28-05
Tensions have started to mount between myself and Greg, the hologrammatic ship's assistant.
It all began when we checked the company org chart and found that technically he outranks me.
Actually, when I come to think of it, it might have begun when I peed through him from the observation deck.

 

by Injokester
9-29-05
So if you could have any super power, what would it be?
I'd go with X-ray vision.
So you could look at women, eh? Wink wink nudge nudge, eh?
No, so I could be a diagnostic imager.
It's a growth industry.

 

by Injokester
10-02-05
So did you get the mouse you went out to buy?
I went to get a new mouse, but I came back with a 6 speaker surround sound system.
That's one heck of an impulse buy.
I'll say.
Out of curiosity, since all you play is text based RPG's, what do you need it for?
Because now that annoying clicking sound you get when you refresh the browser is loud. Really loud.

 

by Injokester
10-02-05
You the man, dog. After your sex change, of course.
Only another 4 days, and the process will be finished.
You should have the whole procedure videotaped.
That would be a little weird.
Yeah, but then I can do some funny voice overs!

 

by Injokester
10-03-05
I comitted no crime. She was asking for it.
The week before
Theodore... Theodore... dig me up and do me on the tombstone...
Swear to God.

 

by Injokester
10-03-05
I hate being a Libra.
Why's that?
Well they say the scale represents our fickleness.
Oh. I'm a Capricorn.
What do you feel your sign represents?
Probably the way I like to chew the clothes of random people then headbutt them.

 

by Injokester
10-04-05
So where do I plug this thing in?

 

by Injokester
10-04-05
I've never understood how a boomerang works.
It's quite simple really.
It's merely a matter of physics, aerodynamics,
And a strong desire to eat those hopping buggers that keep getting away.

 

by Injokester
10-05-05
Actually, installing another hard drive in your girlfriend's computer isn't much different from sleeping with her.
Just open up her box and poke around until you find the right port for you cable, and then just follow the instructions you're given.
Then over time you'll notice corruption and it won't work as well as it used to, so you upgrade to a newer model.

 

by Injokester
10-08-05
Commander Solo! Is it correct you saved Luke's life by keeping him warm inside a Taun-taun?
Yeah.
But aren't you aware that his survival suit would have kept him alive anyway?
Yeah.
But now Chewie owes me $5.

 

by Injokester
10-22-05
Wabbit season?
WABBIT SEASON?!?
Damn wacist.

 

by Injokester
10-25-05
So I broke up with my girlfriend.
Why?
I found out she wasn't actually a girl, but a penis enlargement pump.
I was going to tell you, but after the first two years it kept getting funnier and funnier.
And I think she was cheating on me.
Yeah, sorry 'bout that.

 

by Injokester
10-26-05
Well here we are. This is my personal storage shed. I need to store something.
But you didn't bring anything with you.
Yeah, I forgot.
That was silly of you.
Since we're here though, put these mothballs in your pockets and stand over there for a second.

 

by Injokester
10-27-05
Nice tree. What's with the blood?
Squirrels.

 

by Injokester
10-28-05
Why won't you look at me Abe?
Abe doesn't make eye contact.
Look me in the eye and say that.
Talk to the hand.
What hand?
Any hand. Just don't do it here.

 

by Injokester
11-15-05
Bad news Chen, I tried to assemble an Ikea table by putting the parts in your washing machine with a box of nails. It didn't work.
Ha ha ha.
It didn't work at all.

 

by Injokester
11-15-05
Y'know I've been thinking about those "magic eye" pictures.
Apparently they work with anything, you just take your eyes out of focus and two things merge together.
Is that why you've been staring at my tits for the last hour?
The "megabreast" eludes me.

 

by Injokester
12-03-05
Y'see Chen, it's all about what you've got in your pants. Women go crazy over anything really long and thin.
Is that why you're stuck talking to me while all the women are over at that party sub?
Shut up, Chen.

 

by Injokester
12-21-05
Hang on. Did he say to follow the grey rabbit or the white rabbit?

 

by Injokester
12-21-05
There is no spoon.
Yes there is, it's right next to the fork.
There is no spoon.
Mr Reeves it's been 6 years now, must we go through this every time you come in here?
There is no tip.
Fine, I'll get you some more spoons.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
Margarine does not work like milk in coffee. Just drink it black.
Ajax is not a substitute for soap, but if it gets the better of you, keep it away from your foreskin.
You can light a bong on a grill element, it's just a little harder.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
Never leave a bag of onions in a cupboard for 18 months, they grow roots and bore into your walls.
As gross as it is, dog and cat food is a better food alternative to the various fungi growing under your house.
If there are loose wires coming out of the wall that you can't afford to have fixed, don't idly play with them while on the phone.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
No matter what your friends tell you, you cannot get high by drinking bong water.
If you can't afford to wash your underwear, it's more hygenic to go without. Otherwise don't bother with the inside-out/front and back thing, after a couple months it won't matter.
If your dog dies it's time to get out the shovel, not the frying pan.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
Food should never be blue. There is a type of cheese that should be blue, but that's not the kind you find in old pizza boxes.
If you must make your clothes from plastic bags, at least use darker-coloured, non-transperent bags.
If you're going to root around in ashtrays to scavenge tobacco from old butts, head for the airport, a lot of people have to run to catch their plane half way through.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
I don't care if they did it on "Sliders", you cannot make your own penicillin.
You cannot fertilize your garden with your own waste.
Just because fat can become soap, doesn't mean it's a substitute.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
If you can't afford Kentucky Fried, find someone with an avery, it's less work than trying to snag a pidgeon.
If you're getting picked on by the other transients, just put some severed cat heads on spikes around the top of your trolley.
The book "101 things to do with a dead cat" is fiction. Put it down you crazy bag-lady.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
No matter how desperate you are, never constuct a condom from cling wrap.
If you need to sell a baby, do it on eBay. That way you'll get at least 3 cartons of cigarettes, as opposed to the 1 you'll get around the trailer park.
If the toilet's broken and you can't afford a plumber, use each plastic bag only once.

 

by Injokester
12-28-05
Wishing wells are your friend. Free money, and bring your soap.
Never build your home out of a cardboard box, do it igloo style out of stolen letterboxes.
If you can't afford a real blanket, seduce a fat homeless woman and get her to lay on top, she'll be warmer than a stack of newspapers.

 

by Injokester
12-29-05
Always remember you can sell more than blood and sperm. Spleens fetch a lot of money.
Sperm does work like hairgel, but not like superglue.
Only scrape fresh roadkill. "If it bleeds; tasty feed, maggots in its hair; leave it there."

 

by Injokester
12-29-05
If a doctors surgery doesn't keep drugs of addiction on the premises, they've probably got some cool instruments you can sell for heroin.
All sorts of tasty things wash up on beaches.
Never sleep in a public urinal, unless you're into being molested.

 

by Injokester
12-29-05
Sewer rats make great housepets, especially if you paint them.
When giving head for food, make sure you see the food first.
Never take candy from a baby, even if you're hungry. The baby is more filling.

 

by Injokester
1-02-06
Mmmm... There's nothing better than a hot cup of coffee in the morning.
I'll deal with the hooker poo later.

 

by Injokester
1-02-06
Father Mike, I need to talk to you.
I told you my homie, call me Mick-Daddy.
Father, I think some of the parishoners were upset when you started calling Jesus "My Nigga".
More so when you started carrying a giant gold cross around on your back and referring to is as your "Bling".

 

by Injokester
1-02-06
Father Mike, we're growing increasingly concerned with your new sermons.
James, you know my heart is pure.
I know your heart is pure father, it's just that we feel that you shouldn't be doing the things you're doing.
What specifically was the problem?
Father, Luke 18:19 does not read "Why do you call Me good, dawg? No one is good but God alone. Fo' shizzle."
Word.

 

by Injokester
1-02-06
Father, the choir have some complaints.
What seems to be the problem, sister Mary?
Frankly father, we don't feel it's appropriate when we get to the chorus line "Nail it to the cross..."
That you shout "Hammer Time."

 

by Injokester
1-02-06
So my girlfriend left me. I guess she was right, I never paid attention when she was talking.
It did seem strange that she asked for a twist of urine in her coffee.

 

by Injokester
1-05-06
Ha ha ha, very funny Scotty. Now beam my pubes back on.

 

by Injokester
1-05-06
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with our orange juicer the other day.
I guess that takes care of the "mystery of the red pulp".

 

by Injokester
1-05-06
So my mother's decided to become a prostitute.
I guess this means no more freebies.

 

by Injokester
1-06-06
So now my girlfriend's mad at me for the way I treat her mother. I can't believe it.
I urinate in the urn once, and now I'm the "bad guy".

 

by Injokester
1-10-06
I'm not having a good day today.
How was I supposed to know my super-soaker's warranty would be void by letting the menstrual blood congeal.

 

by Injokester
1-10-06
I shat blood last night.
Thankfully not in my bed.

 

by Injokester
1-10-06
So I heard about this "Hooker with a heart of gold".
So far I'm 0 for 3.

 

by Injokester
1-11-06
Plan ahead! Steal christmas decorations this year to sell next year.
If you're eating from a dumpster, just mix everything together so you don't have see what you're eating. Call it a stew.
You can get free milk from pregnant dogs.

 

by Injokester
1-11-06
All sorts of cool freebies wash up on beaches. Apart from free boots you can also eat any dead fish you find.
Or if you're really lucky you might find a whole dead guy.
Although more likely is that you'll be able to eat the seaweed.

 

by Injokester
1-11-06
Dumpsters are always a great source of food. Not just at restaurants either, check the hospital; most medical waste is edible.
If you're not that attached to your legs you can get a nice payout if you jump infront of a bus as it's pulling into a stop.
If all else fails- stab a cop. You'll go to jail, but hey! Free food.

 

by Injokester
1-11-06
If there's one thing I hate it's when a group of people just start yelling.
Maybe I should stop punching pregnant chicks.

 

by Injokester
1-20-06
Someone told me once not to eat yellow snow.
Then I went skiing one time and found some red snow, and I was all like "Hey, raspberry!"
And that's how I got aids.

 

by Injokester
1-27-06
Please help me Jesus, I have leprosy, my limbs are falling off and I have diseased spots covering my body.
Well, there's not a lot I can do.
What? You won't cure me?
Well, you know what they say;
A leper can't change his spots.

 

by Injokester
1-27-06
No, you can't survive off your own urine. Unless you're Kevin Costner.
Walking into a place and acting crazy is a great way to get free stuff.
If you wander into a hospital, drool a lot and pee your pants, it just might land you a sponge bath.

Showing page 5.

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