All comics by brianvargo

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by brianvargo
10-24-11
Honestly, I despair of a society in which I am still held as an "ideal" man.
Sometimes I can barely choke down my eggs and waffles in the morning thinking about it.
Gee, mister. I wanna be like you when I grow up.
Three hours later...
How many injuns have ya killed, son?
42. Wanna buy some weed?

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
No doubt about it. I have rather substantial penile itching.
I should really look into getting some sort of prescription-strength ointment.
Indeed, you should, jerk. You know the nice thing about being a dog?
Prey tell, what?
Nothing, really. I'll be lucky if I live to see my 15th birthday. So, please, stop griping about your itchy penis, for God's sake.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
There is something eerily familiar about you. Did we meet in Eldorado in 1978, perchance?
I believe you have me confused with someone else, sir.
Are you sure? I could have sworn...
I don't mean to be rude, but I honestly don't believe we've met. I would have remembered your face, I'm sure.
Perhaps. I used to weigh a lot more, though. I discovered Jenny Craig 'round about 1987.
Stan? Is that you? You look great! I hope you're not still miffed about that whole "dragging your father kicking and screaming to Hell" thing. How's life on the range treating you?

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
Some days, I must confess, I simply don't try very hard. Trying hard, I find, is mainly an exercise in futility.
Oh, God, I miss my mother!

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
It isn't easy being a late-19th-century cowpoke in a 21st century world.
Nor, my friend, is it easy being a Confederate soldier in California circa 2011.
I suppose I hadn't stopped to think about how hard modern life is for you.
No. It really seems that you hadn't.
No reason to get your hackles up. I am sorry, you know.
Don't patronize me, Neil Young.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
At the risk of being forward, I must say that I find you quite attractive.
I'm surprisingly comfortable with that.
Part of me wants to cover you with whipped cream and call you "Rita Mae."
The thought isn't necessarily rubbing me the wrong way, as it were.
I'm a bit confused right now. I'm not sure how I feel about myself and my homoerotic urges.
Quite the conundrum, really. Shall we discuss it further over coffee? There's a shop over on 5th and Kentucky that makes the most exquisite scones.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
Chuckbeard the Pirate! You salty dog, you! How ya been?
Oh, crap. It's Cowboy Stan. I thought he died in 2004. No, wait. That was the Marlboro Man.
How're Glenda and the boys? Glenda still givin' you hell about the lootin' and pillagin'?
Ever since I gave up the rapin', she's been quite supportive, actually.
That's quite progressive of her.
I have to be honest with you, Stan. If I get caught up in a conversation with you, I will have to suppress a strong urge to break out into tears. Can we just nod and go about our separate ways?

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
There's a kind of hush all over the world tonight...
That cowboy is singing to himself in public! That's almost heroic in its "I don't care what you think of me" strangeness.
All over the world, you can hear the sound of lovers in love...
I wonder if he'd respond well to an attempt at striking up a conversation. I'm oddly attracted to him, though he's old enough to be my father.
You know what I mean...just the two of us...
Then again, what right have I to fly so close to the sun?

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
You know, Buck, there are days when I wish I were possessed of a depth and a wealth of wisdom that...well, I simply am not.
Guh?
I am too acutely aware that I am no more than a stock computerized drawing of a cowboy whose words are being provided by a bored 39-year-old man who isn't even attempting to be very clever.
Gwee, goo, guh!
Woe, thy name is Cowboy Stan.
Classic existential crisis. Guh!

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
Am I but a pawn in a cosmic chess match, my moves determined by the whims of some unseen hand?
I miss "My Name Is Earl." That was a funny show.
Damn vandals.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
I suppose you will vote for whoever the Republican candidate is in the next election, Confederate Stu.
That's quite presumptuous of you. I guess that, simply because I'm a Confederate soldier, I can't possibly vote for Obama in 2012.
Well, I guess...
No, no! I get it! I must be a bigoted, narrow-minded, robe-wearing, Bible-thumping white supremecist.
I didn't mean to judge...
Actually, I'm fairly apolitical. I haven't given a damn since Dan Quayle cheapened American politics by addressing Murphy Brown as though she were more than just a fictional television character.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
You make me feel...
...like a natural woman.
Ha! Satan, you old devil, you.
You know me, Stan. I can't help but join in when someone's singing.
Are you here to take me to Hell?
Nahh...not today. I had a serious craving for Arby's. Wanna come with? I'll buy you a Jamocha shake!

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
SHUT UP!
I hate you.
You don't mean that.
I kinda do, actually.
Wanna practice kissing?
Not especially. I'm not concealing any pent-up desire for sexual exploration, nor do I feel compelled to act out some overplayed male fantasy. I just truly don't care for you.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
I'm not interesting.
My God, are you ever not interesting.
Neither, however, are you.
My youth and willingness to dispose of my income on useless garbage makes me interesting, at least temporarily, in a society that equates "popular culture" with "culture."
Even Macaulay Culkin grew old, as these two idiots would soon realize.
By the time you hit 30, you'll be completely passe.
Fine by me. I can't stand myself, so imagine how I feel about those who pander to me? By the way, have you ever seen "Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag"? It's on Showtime 2 tonight. Joe Pesci rocks.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
I'm everything you could want in a man, and I can prove it.
I once believed that to be true, Cowboy Stan. But, frankly, I was wrong.
I can change.
You've never even changed your holster.
You think I'm not good enough for you.
My heart belongs to the rodeo, not one specific cowboy, Stan.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
Okay, Satan. On three, let's both say our guiltiest guily pleasures out loud.
Fine. 1...2...3!
Urinating along public roadways as cars whoosh by, hoping secretly that an SUV filled with frat boys will stop and ask me to get in.
Watching re-runs of "Dawson's Creek."
I mean, eating ice cream straight from the carton.
You've got problems, Stan.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
Hello, there, everybody! I'm sorry to say that Cowboy Stan is out sick today and asked me to fill in for him.
So...yeah...umm...Mr. Kitty-Koo and I...umm...
You know, I bet Snoopy never called in sick and asked Woodstock to "wing it."

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
I really, desperately want you to consider me a friend.
You're aiming kind of low on the wish scale, aren't you?
In general, I dislike the people who like me, but crave the approval of people who dislike me.
Tell it to Oprah, jerk.
I've got Babybel back at my apartment.
Fine, but I'd prefer if you thought of me as a cheese whore rather than a friend.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
Jesus, Steve. Do you really have to carry that cat around everywhere?
I feel less than whole without him, Stan.
It is extremely unhealthy to have so codependent a relationship with a human being, let alone a freakin' cat.
I'm 57 years old with a weak heart and a hairpiece that makes Ronald McDonald wince. I think I'm entitled to hold my cat if it makes me happy, Stan.
Sometimes I am cruel to you simply because I know you'll always forgive me.
You complete me, Stan.

 

by brianvargo
10-24-11
You broke my heart.
You're weird.
We could have been so happy together.
Maybe being happy isn't my ultimate goal in life.
I undoubtedly would have reneged on my promise to make you happy at least three or four times a day.
He said that without a trace of irony. Damn it. That's vaguely attractive.

 

by brianvargo
10-26-11
I hate eggs. Scrambled, fried, made into an omelette...I just hate eggs.
I wish I could read and write.

 

by brianvargo
10-28-11
I tell ya, Satan. It's getting harder and harder to waltz with sin in a world where people revere nothing at all.
Sometimes you depress the hell out of me, Stan.
Aww...you know that deep down I'm still the same ol' hombre I've always been: a fun-lovin', bronco-bustin', skirt-chasin' cowpoke!
I've always thought of you as more of an arrogant, delusional weirdo, but hey - half a dozen of one, six of the other.
Words hurt, Satan.
You're really not going to enjoy Hell, Stan.

 

by brianvargo
10-28-11
Good Lord, you're stupid.
My goodness, you're rude.
No, I'm honest.
And I'm unpretentious.
I do like your hoodie, though.
Thanks. It's a cotton-self loathing blend.

 

by brianvargo
10-31-11
Great. My sex tape leaked. My reputation is going to be totally trashed.
Stan, you took pictures of yourself standing in front of your mirror in your underwear and posted them to your Facebook page.
I guess I content myself with the inevitable multi-million-dollar reality-TV show offers that will soon be pouring in.
You can't even tell they're pictures of you. You cut off your head.
Maybe I should claim that I am a sex addict. I really don't want to be known as the next Charlie Sheen.
Plus, I'm your only Facebook friend.

 

by brianvargo
10-31-11
What are you dressing up as for Halloween, Caitlyn?
A girl who gets severe migraines every time you open your mouth.
A stuck-up slice of bitchcake, then?
With butter-cream frosting, yes.
It's an improvement over the costume you wore last year.
You mean girl who wants to pierce her eardrums with a freshly sharpened pencil every time I hear your voice? I got that idea from your mom.

 

by brianvargo
1-31-23
I’m back, baby. Did ya miss me?
Who the hell are you talking to, Stan?
I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, Stan, you haven’t aged a bit.”
You’ve actually aged remarkably badly.
So what’s the deal with Obamacare? Talk to the hand, girlfriend!
Nice to see you’re as relevant as ever, Punky Brewster.

 

by brianvargo
1-31-23
There is a fine line between loneliness and horniness.
Apropos of nothing, where *is* that horse of mine?

 

by brianvargo
1-31-23
I feel most human when you reject me. It’s both nauseating and exhilerating.
It’s 2023, Stan. Your brand of harassment was quaintly stupid 12 years ago, but now it’s just repulsive.
I guess my ex-wife was wrong when she said I was incapable of change.
By the way, I’m now 41. Don’t let the fact that my exterior is frozen in some comic strip version of purgatory fool you.
If you’re implying that I am defined by shallow infatuations with women young enough to be my daughters, I am both offended and hurt.
I’d tame this caballero, but old guys kind of skeeve me out.

 

by brianvargo
1-31-23
I’ve always wondered, Stan - how does it feel to be human?
I’ve always wondered, Stan - how does it feel to be human?
Itchy.
Huh!

 

by brianvargo
1-31-23
Attentive readers will have noticed that the latest entry in the Dumb Jerks corpus contained an unfortunate error, rendering what otherwise would have been hilarious about 4% less side-splitting.
Oh, God. I’m so alone.

 

by brianvargo
1-31-23
And now, Dumb Jerks presents the corrected version of a strip that previously contained an embarrassing error.
I’ve always wondered, Stan - how does it feel to be human?
Never mind.
Line.
*Sigh.*

 

by brianvargo
1-31-23
Despite various warnings, pleas, and threats, Cowboy Stan has decided to inject edgy, biting political humor into Dumb Jerks.
Joe Biden leans so far to the left…
…that he makes Arthur Schlesinger Jr. look like Josiah Bailey. Amirite?
Where is cancel culture when you really need it?
Donald Trump looks like a waterlogged sweet potato.

 

by brianvargo
2-01-23
Wanna go shopping?
I’d love to. Oh, wait - you mean with you?
You know, your attempts at humor are becoming increasingly mean-sprited and alienating.
I’m not trying to be humorous. I’m actually aiming for mean-spirited and alienating.
You have Barney Rubble eyes.
*Sniff* Who hurt you?

 

by brianvargo
2-02-23
I feel pretty.
You shouldn’t.
What happened to us, Satan? We used to be so in sync, so simpatico.
I guess the honeymoon is over, Stan.
Then I look into those baby reds and think, “There’s the devil I know. And love.”
I’m really rooting for you to get into Heaven, Stan. Like, really, really rooting.

 

by brianvargo
2-02-23
I feel pretty.
You shouldn’t.
What happened to us, Satan? We used to be so in sync, so simpatico.
I guess the honeymoon is over, Stan.
Then I look into those baby reds and think, “There’s the devil I know. And love.”
I’m really rooting for you to get into Heaven, Stan. Like, really, really rooting.

 

by brianvargo
2-02-23
Depression isn’t funny.
Mr. Bean gives me a good chuckle, though.

 

by brianvargo
2-02-23
Dad, everything I’ve done in life, I’ve done to gain your respect and acceptance.
I’ve gone through countless parrots. I don’t have friends; I have “mateys.” And God forbid I use the word “booty” to refer to a derriere.
Still, it feels like there’s an ocean between us, and our ships are heading in opposite directions.
Keep it together, Chuckbeard. Now is not the time to giggle at the phrase “poop deck.”

 

by brianvargo
2-03-23
I am the enemy of progress. I will fight to the death to protect my ranch.
Stan, you live in a studio apartment above a Dairy Queen.
All the angels are gone, son. There’s only devils left.
Okay - no more “Yellowstone” for you.

 

by brianvargo
2-03-23
The hardest thing I ever had to do was give up smoking.
Well, that - and putting my mother in a home.
But damn - I really enjoyed having a cigarette after a good meal.

 

by brianvargo
2-03-23
Give me just one night. I will introduce you to a world of passion and ecstasy you dare not even dream of.
Fine. Let’s do this.
Uh…
Or we could just watch TV. I videotaped every episode of “Mr. Belvedere” back in the day. I could fire up the old Betamax.
Much though I want to reduce your ego to a pile of smoldering ash, that actually sounds delightful. You bring the Barefoot Moscato, I’ll bring the Cheez-Its.

 

by brianvargo
2-03-23
So…a cowboy, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a strip club.
It was easily the most awkward Tuesday night of my entire life.

 

by brianvargo
2-03-23
Vinyl is where it’s at, baby. “In a Silent Way,” “Jesus of Cool,” “Court and Spark,” “Sign o’ the Times” - you just can’t appreciate them any other way.
I dunno. If a piece of music resonates with me, it’ll move me via any medium. High-end stereo system, vintage transistor radio, my phone - it doesn’t matter.
I dig what you’re saying, but to me, music is like wine. Once you learn how to distinguish the truly special from the average, only the best will get you where you wanna go.
I don’t like wine. When I drink it, I drink it for one reason: to get a buzz. I guess that’s why I listen to music, too.
Not all buzzes were created equal, baby. Aim high - always aim high.
I don’t aim at all, Mac. When I listen to music, I’m not the archer. I’m the ram.

 

by brianvargo
2-04-23
Shouldn’t you be in school, Jimmy?
Shouldn’t you be in a pine box? Aren’t you, like, 150 years old?
Age ain’t nothin’ but a number.
In your case, a triple-digit number.
Jimmy was taken aback by Stan’s curt tone. However, he soon returned to daydreaming about boobs and boardslides.
Sass box.
Sometimes the dullest blades make the deepest cuts.

 

by brianvargo
2-04-23
The other day I realized that I’ve been wearing boots for so long that I no longer remember how to tie shoes.
I’m so %*#@!*~ adorable.

 

by brianvargo
2-04-23
Stan, baby, I know I haven’t come through for you in a while, but I’ve lined up the perfect comeback vehicle for you. It’s a Western with a modern twist.
And they said I’d never work in pictures again after I mistook Hillary Swank for Dolph Lundgren at Jon Lovitz’s weenie roast.
So what’s the role? A tall, shadowy stranger that passes through town after town like a westward wind? A rugged antihero at war with himself and the demons that possess his every thought?
Close. You’re auditioning for unnamed groomsman number four in “Oops, I Married a Cow!”
Heard ya missed me, Hollywood. Well, I’m back.

 

by brianvargo
2-06-23
Not today, Satan. Not today.
What?
I think that’s what kids call a “meme.”
You give me what the kids call a migraine.
I just realized I haven’t bathed in two-and-a-half months. Not in water, anyway.
Not today, Stan. Not today.

 

by brianvargo
2-06-23
So kids, I just want to close by reminding you to say “no” to drugs. Drugs are super-duper bad.
Don’t get me wrong - they’re really, really fun. I mean, who would do ‘em if they didn’t make you feel just…so damn alive. Like God himself was caressing your very soul.
So in summary…I’m living proof that if you try your hardest and really put your mind to it, you might still end up having to do 80 hours of community service.

 

by brianvargo
2-08-23
Senseless violence, vulgar language, boundless promiscuity, death, destruction, and depravity at every turn…
God, I love being a cowboy.

 

by brianvargo
2-08-23
I have to admit, I haven’t dated much in the past 3,700 years or so - let alone gone on a blind date. I’m just a wee bit nervous.
Don’t be. Let’s just talk. What are you into?
Well, I’m pretty big into devouring the souls of puny, witless humans and expelling them from my bowels into the fiery pits of hell. You?
I’m something of a Pete Davidson fangirl.
Ew, gross.

 

by brianvargo
2-09-23
It may surprise you to know that, although I am a cowboy, I find guns to be repellant. I am in favor of far stricter gun control meausures.
It may also surprise you to learn that Tusk is my favorite Fleetwood Mac album. To my ears, it takes Rumors to school, where nuns slap its wrists with rulers for being naughty.
I contain multitudes.

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