All comics by quodlibet

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by quodlibet
10-24-04
With these hammer and nails, go forth and build great works for the Lord.

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
My son, what are you doing?
Duh.
Go forth and be cheerful!

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
What are you doing, my son?
Penance for my sins.
I don't think so.
I also have a headache.
Yeah, right. Assume the position and let's do penance the right way. My son.

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
That was pretty good now, was it, my son?
Like a smoke? I've got a cigar in my pocket.
Well, have it your way. I'm going to read the Good Book. Clinton's autobiography is fascinating, simply fascinating.

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
Good day, my son.
Why do I keep bumping into this guy here?
It's been a while since your last confession.
Either that's a cigar in his pocket, or...
I'm really glad to see you here. Up for a little more penitence today?

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
I don't really understand. Why am I here?
Kind of slow, aren't you? Have you heard of Darwin's theory of evolution?
A foul, lying fiend. God created the world in seven days. And he built Rome in a day.
Actually, Luke, I begat your ancestors about four billion years ago.
That would explain why I'm a devilishly handsome pink balding hairless priest with a predilection for horn-rimmed glasses.
Got it in one. Now let's go — there's a party in the seventh level of Hell waiting for us.

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
We learned in school today that irony is dead. It became unviable unviable after the events of 9/11. Our teacher said so, and so it must be true.
I'm not quite sure what she meant.
Idiot.
I'm pretty sure it's buried in the next row.

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
In any case, blonds are better. Smoother. Sleeker. Full-bodied without being too complicated. If you know what I mean.
I know what you mean. I like the darker ones. More complex. Easier on the wallet. If you know what I mean.
I know what you mean. But the brunettes give you hangovers afterwards.
I know what you mean.
We're still not getting laid.
Time for another beer.

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
Whoa, man, watch where you're pointing that thing.
Identity yourself! Union or Confederate?
Get with the times, man. It's 2004. US of A has been existence forever.
Right. And I'm a historically inaccurate lead figurine. Identify yourself!
Guess he wasn't joking. Shouldn't have zapped him with the laser. Heh heh.

 

by quodlibet
10-24-04
Hi! I am George Dubya Bush.
I'm a devout Christian, and I believe in doing good deeds.
Like feeding poor people.
With Texas-fried chicken.
Yeller-bellied chicken. Fried George Dubya Bush Texas style.
I'm looking forward to some more Texas-fried chicken. Zap zap! Beats a bar-be-que any day.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
You're a lucky young man. We'll start you off working twelve hours a day, five days a week. You 'll put in thirty-hour shifts on the weekend under confusing, stressful conditions. You'll look after...
...people whom you neither know nor care about, but whose life and death rest in your inexperienced and incapable hands. We'll show you how to fill out forms and copy down lots of meaningless numbers.
And then we'll exclude you from any meaningful activity -- your brain is too puny to appreciate all the complicated work we do. Sign on the dotted line and pay us fourteen thousand dollars a year.
Sounds great! I'm really looking forward to this. When do I start?

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
I'd like to sign up as Superman's replacement in the League of Justice!
I'm ready to pound a few dirty not-do-gooders into the ground! I'll throw my fairy dust into their faces and make them sneeze themselves to death! HA!
Where do you think you're going? Watch me! Fairy dust! Sneezes! Fairy dust! Let's see you beat that! Just you wait and see!

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
At last, Cthulhu! Your eldritch magic and waving tentacles have no defense against my fairy dust-inspired sneezes! Fairy-dust attack! HA!

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
As Tinkerbell pursued her quest to join the League of Justice as Superman's replacement...
...an eerie and strangely unshakeable premonition crept over her...
...that perhaps, just perhaps, she had been a little mistaken about her true calling in life.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Plagued by these doubts, Tinkerbell wanders the desert in search of advice. She meets a strange boy...
All deserts are beautiful because they hide a well.... forever poisoned by the rotting carcasses of evil devil-babies drowned by their psychotic mothers.
I want to be a superhero! I can be a superhero! But I'm not yet a superhero. Can you tell me why?
...claiming to be a prince of a barren little airless asteroid in space...
You're like my rose with four thorns. Puny, despicable, and pathetic. But I will give you one gift to remember our introspective moment together. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Does this mean I should look for a well with a devil-baby to defeat?
...who has some very strange notions indeed.
When I laugh, you will remember the stars laughing with me at you. Every time you look at the night sky, we will mock you. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
He's soooooooo deep. That's soooooo true.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Tinkerbells flies through the desert, until she spots a helpless victim in distress...
Eloi, Eloi, Father, why hath thou abandoned me?
Your Daddy did this to you?
I see a day when man shall envision me as one of the Trinity, as Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
I...don't really...understand.
It makes a lot more sense when you're dying of sunstroke.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
So things never really did work out in the superhero line.
That's too bad, Tinkerbell. Are you going back to Never Never Land?
Yeah. Peter should be done with that Wendy slut soon. She might be human, but she can't compete with fairy dust.
Well, if you're looking for something to do, you can freelance for the League of Justice.
Really? You really mean that?
Yeah. All we had an electrician named Zeus, a carpenter named Thor, and some wacko guy-girl group called the X-Men. Believe me, Tinkerbell, you're the cream of the superhero crimefighting crop.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
(Translation: Yes.)
So, you're here about the superhero position?
Skolje ke youp ghklftl thghnbm nmsbc.
(Translation: I pulverize things with my god-forged hammer into a flat paste not unlike tooth-cleansing agents, without the mint freshness.)
What's your main strength? Man of steel, invisibility, X-ray vision, alien slime...?
Lmnhycv.
Can you show me what you do?

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Er...Zeus, is it? You're a...cow.
I beg to differ.
We can't have a superhero who looks like a cow. Lightning bolts or not. No villain would be afraid of cud-chewing, slow-moving, pre-steak cow.
Ahem.
Ah. Er. Don't know how I couldn't have seen that before.
Think that's impressive? Wait till you see the ropes of pearls I can squeeze out of these oysters.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
We met three years ago on a spaceship four hundred years in the future.
Hi! Are you new here?
Sparks flew between us.
Hello?
I could not imagine a more promising start for a beautiful relationship.
I'll see you around?

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
We met three years ago on a spaceship four hundred years in the future.
Hi! Are you new here?
Sparks flew between us.
Hello?
I could not imagine a more promising start for a beautiful relationship.
I'll see you around?

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
We spent lots of time together.
Let's watch a movie. Bend It Like Beckham is on.
Watching football.
Mostly in the same room.
Let's watch a movie. Forrest Gump is on.
World championship ping-pong.
We discussed culture a lot.
Let's watch a movie. Maverick's playing.
World championship poker. Shh..

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Every day brought us closer together.
I'm almost ready to go. I just need to finish taking over the world first.
That's what you said two hours ago.
Dinner at expensive restaurants were the norm.
Two large fries with lots of mayo to go.
We wandered around the city, hand-in-hand, for hours.
I wonder where he's gotten to....

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
I'm not sure what happened - things were going so well.
Let's talk about us. Can you turn down the volume?
Gotta think of a great pun. Think think think think. Gotta top that bleeding anus joke.
Could you stop playing StripCreator for three minutes and talk to me?
ARRRRGH! Now I've lost it! Lost it! The greatest pun in the world, destroyed forever! Why do you always have to interrupt me?
Go away and do something else. I'm busy. Don't bother me.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
I guess the end was inevitable.
But things are all right now. Those days are over and done, and I'm not in the least bitter about how things turned out.
Really.
You poor poor thing. What a horrible way to be treated!
Not at all, sir. Of course we accept donation to the Church of Divine Vengeance. It will go to the purchase of six hundred shotguns for recent ex-girlfriends. Amen.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Hi, Bob's dad! What exactly do you do at the hospital? I'm really interested in the health professions.
Well...you know how in some places, they have people who take blood and others who clean out bedpans, and other people who push beds around?
Yup.
Well, when someone gets constipated, and I mean really constipated... I stick my finger up their anus and manually disimpact them. Sometimes I need to stick...more than a finger up their bums.
That explains a lot about Bob.
It's a very satisfying job. Great career prospects.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Well, boys and girls, I started out as a door-to-door saleman for men's Avon products. That accounts for my ravishing good looks despite my advanced age.
I moonlighted in the local Chiquita banana import agency, putting those little stickers onto fruit.
From there, it wasn't a huge leap to my current job. Although I'd appreciate it if you didn't call it 'quality assurance.' Heh. I prefer the term 'condom integrity specialist.'

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
I'd like to make you believe that those smells and tastes of daily life stem from a pure source, that is to say, the great outdoors.
But have you ever wondered why there isn't a market for shampoo made with trout extract? All those oils must be good for your hair. Why not lobster-bisque-flavoured coffee? Bisque is cream anyway.
Tastes and fragrances are made and controlled in an artificial industrial warehouse. Everything else is in your head. Aren't illusions fantastic? Enjoy them while they last.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Being newly dead, flattened by the ambulance that had come to save her, limb reattachment surgery wasn't a real option for Mrs Lowry.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
0 BC:
And yea, though I die, I shall rise again, for it is my destiny, my birthright, my purpose, to lead this world to a state of prosperity and bliss.
The delusions of grandeur are quite obvious. The Last Supper was a reckless expense typical of his condition, given his straitened circumstances as a humble carpenter...
Eloi, Eloi, God, why hath thou forsaken me?
Swinging into the depressive phase. Note the continuing delusion as a 'saviour', or 'Son of God'.
And finally exhaustion, as his energy wears out. If he resurrects, of course, he'll retain these difficulties, as no medications will be invented for two millennia. Onwards to the leper camp!

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Finally, let us finish today by giving thanks to the Father, the Son, and the Holy...
Holy sweet pink Virgin Mary Mother of God!
That doesn't ring quite right, does it?
Moooooooo.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Honey?
Yes, dear.
This bathtub leaves something to be desired.
I think it's a hip-bath, dear. And these towels are awfully small -- good thing we're just stick figures.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Mom, if my anus is bleeding, will I need to go on the birth control pill?
Um, why, no, dear.
Oh, okay. By the way, Mom, Mikey the hamster's in the toilet. Can you get him out?
Mikey? I wondered where he'd gone. How did he get in there?
Don't worry, Mom, he didn't drown. And I won't be hatching hamsters out my bum, either. Mikey didn't have time to go all the way.

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Congratulations! You have a bright new bouncy boy or girl.
Excuse me? Boy...or girl?
Yes, it's wonderful, your new baby is like a fully-equipped luxury sedan, capable of the smoothest ride in all gears.
Boy...or girl?
Imagine, sir, your offspring will be able to copulate with him or herself without needing to venture outside his or her room! Never need to worry about safe sex practices again!

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Congratulations, sir, I've got some great news for you. You've hit the jackpot!
I don't understand, I th-th-thought --
You've got a rare, one-in-fourteen million type of nut cancer that has already spread and will cause you a slow, painful death. But that's just like winning the lottery! One in fourteen million!
My nuts?! But -- thank goodness my wife's pregnant! But my nuts!
Yes, obviously your testicles are unable to produce sperm, so I've knocked her up for you. We'll have to take both your nuts -- not as if you really need your balls anyways. Congratulations!

 

by quodlibet
10-26-04
Mom, can you help me get Grandpa undressed? He's wearing my expensive leather corset and straps.
Um...
And I'll need help getting the bag off his head. But we don't need to call the funeral home yet -- I'm hoping he'll stiffen up nicely and not be leaky.
Well...
One last thing, Mom. For the baby shower, would you call it your grandkid or your brother or sister? I can't really decide.

 

by quodlibet
10-27-04
Forty years you worked day and night, you've abandoned your loving wife; neglected your kids, and smell like old jizz, your eye on the Pulitzer Prize.
Your magnum opus you trust to a box, which runs oh-so-stable MS DOS. The last sentence goes in, you're ready to grin, then a message informs you of loss:
"System corrupted by illegal input. MS DOS has just gone kaput. Cursed as thou art, any attempts at restart will turn your diskettes into soot.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
I bet you sickos clicked on the link looking for cheap titillation and general sluttery or another boring variant about anal sex.
You won't find any of that here.
It's rude and crude and boring.
Also my mom the crazy insane ***** would beat the ****ing **** out of me if she found out.
While singing Christmas carols.
She knows I hate Christmas carols.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
I love cats.
We've got at least nine at home. Probably a few more.
It's hard to count them the way Mom stacks them in the freezer.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
I should explain that last comic.
But it'd be a waste of time.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
My mom taught me to be a humane kid. She taught me about raindrops on roses and warm woolen mittens. She even gave me this ice cream cone right before dinner.
She said it'll keep me cool and sweet inside.
Because she says I'll roast on a spit in hell.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
My mom really loves me. She gave me a kitten when I was little.
It had nice soft fur.
That's because it wasn't frozen yet.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
My mom taught me everything I know about cats.
She says they're best when they're a day or two old.
Right after the rigor mortis sets in.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
We have hardwood floors at home. Mom says they're classy and lend a warm cozy touch to any room, regardless of its decor.
Hardwood floors are easy to clean.
Especially after having the new neighbours over for dinner.
They also don't dull my mother's knives.
Unlike artificial hips.
The only problem with having people over is that we're eating their leftovers forever.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
Cleaning up after dinner is the best.
If I've been good, my mom will let me charge up the cats.
There's nothing better than catfur for picking up dust.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
I dropped off a couple of big kids at the pool today. My mom made me clean up after myself.
It wasn't so bad, because Mom makes her own custom bowl brushes.
Those pointy cat-ears are great for reaching those grimy spots underneath the rim.

 

by quodlibet
10-28-04
My mom told me to clean up my room today. She said that she spent a lot of time assembling those tie racks and hooks in my room.
She nailed the cats to the wall and had to wire their legs straight because they kept moving and chucking stuff.
My mom's a very handy woman to stay away from.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
May I have some more toilet paper, please? We've run out again.
WHAT?!?! MORE? YOU WANT SOME MORE?!?!
I need to potty real bad.
YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! WE, IN OUR MUNIFICENT WISDOM, HAVE ALLOTTED THREE SHEETS PER WIPE, THREE WIPES PER DAY. NO MORE THAN THREE TOILET ROLLS A WEEK!
I've lost control of my sphincters.
Pants are washable. Toilet paper is not. All is well with the world.

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