All comics by Straightshooter

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by Straightshooter
4-27-06
I HAVEN'T COFFEE THIS GOOD IN YEARS.
AT LEAST 100 MILLION.
WHAT'S A NICE GHOUL LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!
TALK TO THE HAND.

 

by Straightshooter
4-27-06
MAKING STAR TREK YOUNGER AND HIPPER...
SPACEBURGER SAYS IF I WASN'T HAPPY WITH MY MEAL, I'D GET A REFUND, WHERE'S... MY... REFUND?!
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE SIR, YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT A FORM.

 

by Straightshooter
4-27-06
Seen him lately?
Can't get an appointment.
No problem, tell him you're a friend of mine.

 

by Straightshooter
4-27-06
JESUS AND ABRAHAM
Hey pal, I turned bread into FISH!
Oh yeah? I WAS Fish!

 

by Straightshooter
4-27-06
It's not that I doubt your existence, I just think you and I come from aliens...
I understand.
Scientology has taught me that one day "they" will be back for their children.
I understand.
ONE DAY...
I KNEWWW you'd be back! Hello Father!
And you are?

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Help me Jesus, I need your guidance.
Jesus?
HMMPH! Some God!
Fuckin' towelhead.

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
My time already?
'Fraid so.
Doesn't killing people take its toll on you?
Sure it does.
How do you deal with it?
I masturbate.

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Turning to entertainment, the Olsen Twins have a new movie in theaters. Both girls play streetwise detectives on the trail of a serial killer, here's a clip...
D.O.A- Dullards On Alert
I am SO not going to ruin my Prada with some guy's blood!
If I snorted some of that chalk, do think anyone would notice?
We're talking Adam Sandler quality here folks.

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
(Fake laugh) We're here with Nicholas Cage on the set of his FABULOUS new movie...
Raising Arizona 2, yes.
(Feigned interest)But Nic, shouldn't you be in the desert or... at least Arizona?
No, I've decided to take a whole new direction.
(Clueless) And what direction is that?
Uh, Animated... What the hell is wrong with you? Look how I'm dressed! We're talking in a FREAKIN' bedroom! It's a PORNO, jackoff! Can't I shock you people with anything??

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?
Yeah, gimmie a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake.
Ok, one Big Mac, one large fry and a chocolate shake, anything else?
Nope.
That'll be $6.78, have a seat we'll call you when it's ready.
Thanks.

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Greetings, I am an interstellar traveler visiting Morehead in search of fun and amusement!
Thurr ain't nun dat herrr.
Would it be possible to speak to someone else?
Whut fer, ain't I gude enuff?
You thunk yer bedder'n us?
I knew I should have gone to Mt. Sterling.

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Curr to make a statemunt?
Yeah, this is bullshit. I was just asking where I could find some fun and entertainment!
Accordin' to sixty eyeee witnesses, yew went in thurr and sturted a fight with ol' Knipp Caudill and cursed in front of Ella May Knipp Caudill's baby boy Bubby.
Gotcha! Who would ever bring a baby into a bar?
Are yeww on drugs?

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Ok, I've gotten you out on bail. The trial date is three months from now. I'll meet you in court then. Any questions?
Shouldn't plan a strategy?
What for? You're going to lose.
What kind of lawyer are you?
Look. There is one judge here. If I started defending my clients, he might get mad at me.
Well, we wouldn't want that.

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Wadda yew wunt?
I'd like to see the trailer you have for rent.
Are yew gonna rent it?
Well, I'd like to see it first.
*Sigh*, let me put my leg on...
What's goin' on over there?

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Well, I'm here in Morehead for at least three months and probably more if my lawyer rolls over like he said he would.
It's hard to hear you, you keep breaking up!
Can you hear me now?
What?
Goddamn Cingular!
What? Gotham singers? Huh?

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Well, the city of Morehead sucks but it IS beautiful here.
Nice forests and streams, very serene.
Whut'ya doin' un my proper-tie?
I knew it couldn't last...

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
KAN EYE HELP YEWWW?
I'd like a cheeseburger, a large Pepsi...
YEW WHUNT DAT IN A COM-BEEN- ATION?
No, large Pepsi
DAT'S A CHEESEBURGER AND TEW PEPSI'S?
Goodbye.

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-06
Herrrs yer mail.
It's 4:45, where the hell have you been? I'm supposed to get something from the court.
All yew gut whus a flyur from Lyin' Lee's dealurchip.
How dare you read my mail!
Have a nice day.
Is everybody here on DOPE?

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
I've never seen a place so desolate, so devoid of life...
No stores, restaurants or anything else. Only empty, brick buildings...maybe I'm just in the wrong part of town...
Pardon me citizen, what street is this?
Main street.

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
According to our research, these structures are designed for worshipping God.
Hello, I am here to worship God!
First, I'll need to know if you are a homosexual?
What difference does that make?
Haven't you heard? God hates fags.

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
STILL NEGOTIATING WORSHIP...
Well, I'm not homosexual, so may I worship God now?
Not just yet. Are you "born again"?
Born again?
Yes, after a lifetime of debauchery, causing great pain to others and violating everything we hold sacred, you get to declare youself "born again" and you're off the hook...
It's very popular down here.

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
AND STILL NEGOTIATING...
Well, I'm not born again either. May I worship God now?
Just a few more questions. Would you consider yourself a rich or poor man?
Now what does that matter? I have learned God cares nothing about money!
He doesn't, we do.
Reverend, this is a house of worship, not a business! You aren't here to make money off of the congregation!
Son, you understand you're in Morehead, Kentucky don't you?

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
I'm so disheartened. I thought at least I'd be able to find sanctuary here in church...
Heyyy, you're that new guy in town aren't you? When are you going to learn how things work in Morehead?
How DO they work?
They work through ME! Is there another reason why this city is filled with addicts and thieves? Why there are drive-thru liquor stores and only a WAL-MART here?
I see your point.

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
It's nice of you to invite me to your home.
I didn't, you followed me here.
C'mon pal, I can make it real easy for you in Morehead if you just play ball.
I don't think so.
HMPHH! if you didn't want my help, why did you invite me over?
I didn't, you FOLLOWED me here!

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
So, you have NO interest in marraige?
Nope, jest key-edz
Why do you want to have kids without being married?
Fore da mun-eye. I kun git tew thousund dollers fore each key-ed from the gover-mint if I ain't murried.
So, this is like a business for you?
Yep, I'm gonna be millun-air!

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
Fireman, what happened?
Jerry's Restaurant burned up.
Wow, I heard Jerry's had been here for over twenty five years!
Yeah, but people stopped going there and it was losing a lot of money.
How do you think the fire started?
Probably just bad wiring...

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
According to Morehead's website, residents are invited to the grand opening of the Morehead Conference Center. I think I'll check it out...
Hello citizen, am I too late for the opening?
Nnnnnope. Come on in feller...
This is it?
Nnnope, thurr's a pop machine too.

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
Can I help you?
Yuh, is Delmer hurr?
No, there's no Delmer here.
Yur tellun' me thurr's no Delmer here?
That's what I'm telling you.
Delmer? Thurr's no DELMER hurr?

 

by Straightshooter
4-29-06
THE INTERROGATION CONTINUES...
I've told you, there is no DELMER here!
(*Shakes head*) Thurr is no Delmer hurr et all?
In no way, shape or form is Delmer HERE!!
...Delmer?
THERE IS NO FUCKING DELMER HERE!!
Thank you...

 

by Straightshooter
4-30-06
Your presence is requested onboard!
It's about time.
You've gained weight since I last saw you.
Hey, it's all fast food in Morehead, what can I do?
I just didn't expect such a gain.
Is this what I'm here for, to have my balls busted?

 

by Straightshooter
4-30-06
So, I bet you're spending your time in Morehead sleeping under coconut trees huh?
I'm not in the TROPICS.
Have you ridden a camel through the desert yet?
That's the MIDDLE EAST.
I'm sure you enjoy whaling though right?
If I were in ICELAND maybe. Boy, for a universal traveler you sure don't know much about Earth do you?

 

by Straightshooter
4-30-06
I'm sorry you couldn't stay longer.
Well, as much fun as it's been, I must return to Morehead.
Well, when I'm looking for something to do, I'll send for you again.
See ya.
I never thought I'd be so glad to get back to Morehead. I wonder if anyone called while I was gone?
I'M A CALLIN' FER DELMER. ARE YEW THURR DELMER... DEL... MER? DEL...MER! DEL MER DELMER DELMER DELMER!!!

 

by Straightshooter
4-30-06
Now honey, take this and hold it your hand so we can see how your kidneys are functioning.
Ok...
Damn, you stuck me fifteen times!
ALRIGHT! That's my best yet!
Do you have any questions?
Yes, how long has it been since this hospital lost it's license?

 

by Straightshooter
4-30-06
I'd like a Morehead Public Library card please.
*Sigh* I need some info first. Name, address, phone number, social security number, date of birth, email, blood type, sperm count, mother's maiden name, credit score, sexual preference...
...how much in rent or mortgage you pay, what type of car you drive, total amount paid in bills per month, favorite food, eye color, do you have any STD's, birthmarks, tattoos or scars...
I'll come back tomorrow when you're finished.
...height, weight, list of medication, have you been convicted of a felony, engaged in anal sex or read any controversial magazines, favorite flower, any history of mental illness or leprosy...

 

by Straightshooter
5-01-06
I'm here to pay the rent.
Awright, that'd be $346.18.
What? We agreed on $250.00!
I don't remembur dat. Beside, you'ns signed a lease. See fer yourself...
That's not even my signature!
Sue me.

 

by Straightshooter
5-05-06
Yeah?
I'm your next door neighbor. I'd like to talk to you about you and your girlfriend having sex in front of that open window for everyone to see...
We already do that.
I...know. I'd like you to stop doing it.
What are you, some kind of pervert?
If I was a pervert, would I be asking you to stop?

 

by Straightshooter
5-05-06
Yes?
Yuh, I live next door. I hurd you don't like my boyfriend having sex with me in frunt of our wind-eaux!
That's true. I'd like it to stop.
Oh, I get it. YOU wunt to have sex with me.
Honey, I wouldn't touch you with a stolen dick.
My boyfriend geauxs to work in un hour, come over after.

 

by Straightshooter
5-05-06
Until I can afford cable, I guess I'll have to watch the Morehead channel.
EEEET'S TYYYYY-MEE FOR BUY A DAWG, SELL A FRAWG.
Is this a game show?
Hullo evurbody, if you'n's wunt to sell sumptin, cawl up this here number on da screen.
Hmm, may be there will be something I could buy here.
HULLO? YUH. I WUNNA SALE A 1982 CHEVY IMPALA, 167,000 MILES, ONE DOOR, NO TIRS. I'LL TAKE $34,000...FIRM!

 

by Straightshooter
5-05-06
Yes?
Hello, I'm television's Abe Vigoda. You may recognize me from Barney Miller or Fish. I was also in The Godfather.
Sorry, I don't recognize you. What can I do for you?
I was wondering if I could be a part of your comic strip, "Morehead, KY- Universally Rude"? I'd love to work in situation comedy again!
Well, it's not supposed to be a joke. The things you've read here actually take place everyday in Morehead, Kentucky and these are my accounts of those events.
I'd rather you just told me no instead of trying to make me believe there is a place where people ACTUALLY ACT like that!

 

by Straightshooter
5-21-06
A CHANGE OF SEASON...
Boy, things sure have quieted down in Morehead all of the sudden.
That's because all the college freaks have gone home for the summer!
That's right! Three whole months without car stereos blaring or posers walking around like they own the place!
Yeah.
Now all the golfers and fisherman will come in blaring like they own the place.

 

by Straightshooter
5-21-06
Pardon me citizen, can you tell me who is running for office in Morehead?
Yep, that'd be Caudill.
I don't understand. There is only one man running for all the city offices?
Nope, jest one name.
How many Caudill's could there be in Morehead?
Let's see, thur's Riley, Ray Lee, Elwood, Dicky Wayne, Cephoid, Festus, Garlin, Hamp Edd, Root, Jebidiah, Austin, Tilden, Lee Howard, Ralph, Virgil, Quenton, Sylvester Ray, Davis, Joe Jack, Joe Jim...

 

by Straightshooter
5-21-06
Can I help you?
Hello, I'm Brad Collins, mayor of Morehead. I'd like to ask you for your vote this year!
What have you done for Morehead?
Are you kidding? Thanks to my leadership, we now have a conference center, a Taco Bell and wrestling every Sunday night!
That's it? Haven't you been in office for like twelve years?
I'm just hitting my stride.

 

by Straightshooter
5-21-06
Wel-Kum to Chy-na Ka-phay, May I help o you?
Yes, I'd like the number 9, Sweet and Sour Pork.
Num-Bah ny-een, ooh-kay. That be fi dollah.
Thank you sir. It's nice to see some people still have that old American work ethic.
I from Chinan, no Ameri-kun.
That's probably why you have it.

 

by Straightshooter
5-21-06
Hey Satan, can I crash here tonight?
Had a fight with the old man huh?
Yeah. I told him the book was nothing but a bunch of bullshit, but he went and saw the movie anyway!
Well, don't blame him. Tom Hanks made me believe Wilson was a real person instead of a fucking volleyball!
I wish Tom Hanks was never made.
Forget about it. Have a steam.

 

by Straightshooter
5-21-06
Welcome to Monday Night Raw! Over the weekend, Kane's movie "See No Evil" drew a whopping 4.3 million dollars in it's first week! That's nearly ten million dollars, which is almost twenty!
That's the biggest number drawn of any non actor acting in their first movie opposed by a blockbuster in the same weekend!
Kane, whose movie drew damn near 30 million dollars this weekend has received praise for his portrayal of a crazed serial killer out for blood!
Yeah, and unlike his regular wrestling personna of crazed killer out for blood, he uses weapons in this film, which has earned the respect of several people close to those who know Oscar winners!
Kane, just shy of 40 million dolllars in the first weekend!
Kane, Oscar winner!

 

by Straightshooter
6-06-06
Pardon me citizen, but what is all the excitement about?
It's 6-6-06 feller!
According to your Bible, that is the mark of the devil.
Yew betcha!
Shouldn't a Bible thumping, conservative, puritanical place like this be fearing this day instead of being thrilled?
Are yew kiddin? The cornhole tournament is today!

 

by Straightshooter
6-06-06
Can I help you?
Yeah, I understand you got a problem with my town Morehead?
You're right, I do. The place is filled with lowlifes, the local government is full of corrupt good 'ol boys and your idea of progress is putting in a Taco Bell!
Yes sir, you could say I have a problem with Morehead. It's pompous, backward Republican strongholds like this that keep it's citizens doped up and dumb that are killing this country!
Oh, i thought you were upset one of my cops didn't give your cocaine back after they pretended to arrest you. Sorry to bother you.

 

by Straightshooter
6-06-06
What are you doing with your time?
Well, since the trial date isn't for a while, I've tried to familiarize myself with Morehead.
How's that going?
Not good. Everyone is up everybody's ass here. Businesses don't want your business and no one seems to have a muffler for their vehicle.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah, stop beaming in when I'm trying to take a dump.

 

by Straightshooter
6-06-06
What is this in my tuna salad?
Relish and rock candy.
Who the hell puts relish and rock candy in tuna salad?
Morehead.
I'm glad I have you here to explain things.
Anytime.

 

by Straightshooter
6-07-06
Hi David, what can I do for you?
Do you know that the gas company charges money before we even use our heat?
No David I didn't. I have electric heat.
Well, I'm NOT paying for "Ghost gas". I'm filing a lawsuit!
Who was that?
Someone who should do a little more research on a place before he moves into it.

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