All comics by il_schmucko

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by il_schmucko
8-25-02
Doctor, you gotta help me!
I'm suffering from a disordered state in which my surroundings seem to whirl dizzily.
Mama mia! Mama mia! Mama mia!
Vertigo!

 

by il_schmucko
8-25-02
What's the problem, Felipe?
Doc, you gotta help me. I just came back from Egypt and I have a stomachace.
Did you eat anything unusual while you were there?
One thing--a frothy dessert with beetles in it.
Scarab mousse! Scarab mousse!
If you inquire as to my dancing ability, I will castrate you dentally.

 

by il_schmucko
8-25-02
Here's your sandwich, doctor.
But I ordered a BLT, bub.
Right, so what's the problem?
What's the problem? Well, I'll let the sandwich tell you.
I'm just a po'boy.

 

by il_schmucko
8-25-02
All right, doctor. I'm ready for my urinalysis.
But you're here for a prostate exam. No urine test will be necessary.
Are you sure? I mean, I'm pretty positive I could produce a few thousanths of a liter.
Piss mils? Ah, no! I will not let you go!

 

by il_schmucko
8-26-02
Oh, baby! Yes! Yes! Yes! Take those vitals!
Ooh, yeah! Give me that injection, doc!
That's right! Take two of THOSE and call me in the morning!
Unggh! I'm feeling better already!
Thank you, nurse. Now I need to see my 1:15, and you need to get the indicator fluid into those samples.
So, you think you can love me and leave me to dye?

 

by il_schmucko
8-27-02
Doctor, you make a lot of money, right?
Well, Sara, I guess I do okay.
Here's the thing--I'm behind on rent. Could I borrow a couple hundred bucks?
Hmm... I don't think that would be...
Please? I'll dance with you!
Sara--mooch--will you do the fandango?

 

by il_schmucko
8-27-02
Oh great. It's Schmucko. You're gonna make a play on words about my situation, right?
Actually--
However, I also know that you're a plagiarist. Any joke you come up with will be an outright ripoff.
What?! Hey!
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's hot cross puns.
Oh, Jesus. Everyone's a bloody comedian.

 

by il_schmucko
8-28-02
Hey, Hab. I'm il_schmucko.
Yeah, I know. You're me.
What? I thought I was me.
You are, but the point is that we're both the same person.
So... when you jerked off ten times in one day, did that make us gay?
Well... yes. I suppose it did.

 

by il_schmucko
8-28-02
So you, Habnem, and I, il_schmucko, are in fact the same person?
Yup.
Huh. That's weird.
It gets worse. As a matter of fact, we're also both a large, balding 23-year-old named Christopher.
*THWUMP!*
Schmucko? You okay?

 

by il_schmucko
8-28-02
So let me get this straight. We two independent characters/SCers are both the same person.
Pretty much.
And despite the fact that we look like Brad Pitt, we're both the embodiments of a fat balding guy?
You got it.
Fat, balding... and, dare I say schizoid?
Wait till I tell you about William.

 

by il_schmucko
8-28-02
I'm so stoked! I just got a new longer barrel for my rifle!
Yo' gun extended.
And the corner bakery is increasingly using internal pressure to make bigger cinnamon rolls!
Mo' buns distended?
But I still maintain that when that rapper recorded "Capital Punishment," it was by accident.
No, Pun intended.

 

by il_schmucko
8-31-02
How many Asian girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than two, evidently.

 

by il_schmucko
9-01-02
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh God. UNGGGH!
Friends don't let friends masturbate while driving.

 

by il_schmucko
9-01-02
Are you sure Mom won't mind?

 

by il_schmucko
9-01-02
What's a ventriloquist?
Webster defines it as "one who entertains by having an apparent conversation with a hand-manipulated dummy."
Oh. My girlfriend does that.
Really?
Well, she "manipulates me by hand" and then we carry on an "apparent conversation"...

 

by il_schmucko
9-03-02
December 12, 1978: In a world where nothing was funny...
In a time when there was no such thing as "bandwidth"...
One man was born who would use his computer to teach us to laugh again.
Run for your lives! It's a Schmucko!
I, a nurse, am also running!

 

by il_schmucko
9-03-02
Thrill as his mom catches him spankin' it...
Hab--what are you doing in here?
Chill as he goes to a high school for nerdy misfits...
Everyone's just like me here. Why am I suicidal?
Do something else that rhymes as he spends a year attending "grad school" in "Las Vegas"...
Those sarcastic quotation marks seem unnecessary.

 

by il_schmucko
9-03-02
And you'll stand up and cheer when he's named CC champ for eternity...
Huzzah!
Thank you! Thank you!
...and dies a thoroughly happy man.
Fuck no, I'm not happy. I still haven't made Kaufman's favorites list!
Coming this fall--it's POWER NEWBIE.
From the producers of "Flying Pigs" and "Cubs Win the Pennant"

 

by il_schmucko
9-03-02
You should vote for this strip as your favorite by habSchmuck! Sure, the voting's a few weeks away yet...
But that just gives you more time to read it over and over and learn it by heart!
Why should you vote for this strip, you ask? Because it's funny, goddammit!
Yeah. Not only does it feature us, the funniest characters on earth, but check out the third panel!
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got the gas bill.

 

by il_schmucko
9-04-02
And you'll stand up and cheer when he's named CC champ for eternity...
HUZZAH!
Thank you. Thank you.
...and dies a thoroughly happy man.
Fuck no, I'm not happy! That creep Kaufman put me on his favorites list!
Coming this fall--it's POWER NEWBIE.
From the producers of "Whiner Whiner" and "Everyone Pay Attention to Me!"

 

by il_schmucko
9-04-02
I teach at the community college.
I'm an avid golfer.
I run around randomly slapping cripples!
I inject heroin into my overlarge donkey penis.
I play an awful lot of video games.
RAARR! TOBOR CROCHET!

 

by il_schmucko
9-04-02
Would you like some chocolate milk?
No thanks, vanilla will be fine.
There's no such thing as vanilla milk, Dolly.
Christ! Why are you all so retarded?
Daddy's been touching my bikini area again.

 

by il_schmucko
9-07-02
America: 2051
Grandpa, what's Patriot Day?
Well dear, before your daddy was born, some mean men stole some airplanes and used them to kill a lot of people.
Really? Why is it called Patriot Day?
The President named it, and he wasn't very smart.
Oh. Grandpa--what's a airplane?

 

by il_schmucko
9-08-02
i'm bored.
It is unclear here whether the artist is making a conscious homage to Beckett, or is merely retarded.
i wish something could happen to relieve the bleakness of my existence.
Ahh. Now we see the set-up for the "punchline" in panel three--the arrival of a pink donkey. Marvelously funny, that.
i'm bored.
The lesson to be taken from this strip? ALL YOUR MALAISE ARE BELONG TO US!

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
The Blizzard of 1978
UNNHH! UNNHH! YEAH! YEAH! TAKE IT!!!
Oooh... yeah. That was great.
*note: my parents aren't actually invisible.
Say... you did remember to take your pill today, right?

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
Nine months later (more or less)
Finally! Why did that freakin' kid have to be three weeks late?
I mean, my first kid, and he must have weighed like twenty pounds!
*note: my dad isn't a goat, but he did have a really woolly beard at the time.
Actually, I think he was only twelve pounds or something.
Yeah--but still. Christ!... opher. Yes, that's what I'll name him.

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
Babyhood in three panels.
Honey, check it out! Christopher Chunk just shit all over his grandpa!
That's what the fucker gets for tossing me up and down.
If you ever don't like your name, remember--I was going to call you Habakkuk Nehemiah.
Remind me of that later. I may be able to abbreviate it somehow.
*note: yes, i was a nerd even at age three.
Son, if you hit your sister with an encyclopedia again, I'm going to ground you from them.
That's great. Now kindly perambulate into the kitchen and fetch me forth an Otter Pop, bitch.

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
1984, for those keeping track at home.
Mrs. Schmucko, I don't know how to explain this, but your five-year-old son just passed the second grade achievement test.
That's wonderful! So he gets to be in third grade, right?
Well, no. I figured we'd split the difference and send him into first grade.
Whatever.
By the way, you might want to make him stop reading for now. Try piano lessons.
Your PhD wasn't in logic, was it?

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
Flashing way forward to 1994.
Well, your son has a C average in high school thus far.
I know--it's a shame that at 6'1" he's too big to spank.
Actually, we think the reason is because he's smarter than all the teachers we have and he's bored to tears.
Oh yeah... I mean, that's what I figured too.
*note: yes, i'm aware that my mother has been in every panel so far. perhaps there are weird oedipal forces at work. i'll check into that.
We're thinking he'd do better at a school 100 miles from home.
At fifteen? This just keeps getting better!

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
Other notes from the public high school:
Say, Heather. I wrote a bunch of poems about how beautiful you are. Wanna read 'em?
Sure thing!
Well?
Umm... they're great. Definitely get in touch when you're attractive and/or captain of some team or another.
Later, when your narrator was about to leave for the nerd school:
Hey Chris--those poems really meant a lot to me. Do you have more copies?
I do, but this knowledge would have been more useful to me a few semesters ago. Thank God for masturbation, I guess.

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
At the Indiana Academy (at last)
Hey. We have a lot in common and I'm attracted to you! You should be my girlfriend!
Errm... no.
Hey. We have a lot in common and I'm attracted to you! You should be my girlfriend!
Errm... no.
*note: i still haven't found a better pickup line.
Hey. We have a lot in common and I'm attracted to you! You should be my girlfriend!
I would rather swallow a bunch of asthma pills, go into a month-long coma, and never see you again.

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
1996: Wabash College
Well, here we are at an all-male liberal arts school.
Yeah--football and frat parties rule!
Say, are you sure it's okay to invite high school girls, get them drunk and rape them?
Well, the city loves having a prestigious college.
Call me antisocial, but I still didn't fit in.
What--are you saying the cops are in our pocket?
Hey Stacey, try some of this lemonade.

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
Forward to 2000: After graduation, working at a factory.
Hey--you're the brother of one of my best friends, right?
Yup. Christopher's the name.
Huh. And now we work together. What a strange coincidence.
I guess so.
*note: we're still together, and this brought my lifetime batting average up to around .023
I'm Bekah. Why don't you come over after work?
Sure. You're legal, right?

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
2001: Grad school in Las Vegas.
I'm really homesick, I have no friends, and you're not spending enough time with me.
I know, dear. I didn't think it would be like this.
*note: I'm really not bagging on her. it just seemed like this at the time.
And what's more, you're spending all your free time on that friggin' StripCreator thing.
It's fun. It alleviates the stresses I have coming from all sides.
Meanwhile, at school...
Christopher, you have a 4.0 and your writing is good; you're just not doing enough of it. We're pulling your assistantship.
I understand. It's not like I was ever going to make money as a playwright anyway.

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
2002: Indianapolis
Christopher, I'm really glad to have you living here in the basement with me and your new stepmom.
And I'm glad to be here.
We'll be charging you rent, just as an exercise in responsibility.
That seems reasonable.
*note: my dad isn't really a rube. not all the time, anyway.
So go out and get a job already!
Right! Best Buy, here I come!

 

by il_schmucko
9-09-02
2050
I paid off all my debt by age 30. I could have done it earlier had I played the lottery, but I'm too smart for shit like that.
Right. Like when you blew over a hundred bucks playing the slots in Vegas.
Hush, Bekah. While working at Best Buy, I took classes to get a Masters in Psychology, and then I got my PhD and became a psychologist.
He never did figure out how to sort out his own shit, though. Lucky for him I finally caved in and married him.
For the rest of my life, I made mad cash helping people. Then I died of lung cancer.
We're buried side-by-side. Ain't it sweet?

 

by il_schmucko
9-13-02
Your dog is dead and no one cares.
Please support your local Home for Dyslexic Nine Inch Nails Fans.

 

by il_schmucko
9-13-02
I don't understand why you aren't laughing.

 

by il_schmucko
9-13-02
Hey. We have a lot in common and I'm attracted to you! You should be my girlfriend!
Unfortunately for you, I just stopped doing the "sucky-sucky" gig. I'm going to be an actress!

 

by il_schmucko
9-14-02
Hi. I'm Andy Rooney. Have you ever noticed that Jerry Seinfeld and I have the exact same shtick?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
I mean, who ARE these PEOPLE?

 

by il_schmucko
9-16-02
D-D-Der Kommissar geht um, oh oh oh!
TOBOR COME TO SUB_M7's PARTY!
What? I thought I only invited pornographic characters!
HIMMELHERRGOTT! YOU NO THINK TOBOR PORNOGRAPHIC?! GET OVER HERE!
RAARR! ESSE MEIN ANALVERKEHR!!
Close your eyes and think of edelweiss...

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
Well, she benches three-fifty and stands up to pee... Her zipper distends when she sees Gena Lee...
And she watches the NFL voraciously...
Yeah, she's probably a guy but she's always a woman to me...
OOOOOOH, I take care of myself! *hic*

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
Whooa, here he comes... Watch your ass at the Comics Cup...
Whooa, here he comes... He's a cornholer!
Later, at the after-party.
RAARR!! TOBOR CORNHOLE BAD SONGWRITER!
Woo! I'll tell John to get the camera!

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
I don't care what other people say... I don't think this love affair is gay...
This girl I'll marry, even though her ass is hairy... I'll wax her moustache for the longest time!
Maybe this won't last very long... 'cause they could be right; she does have a schlong...

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
She's so...
Look, I know it's just a song, and that slang has changed since the '60s, but if you say "heavy," so help me, I'll kick your ass.
Take a sad song and make it better...
I'm gonna let you down and leave you flat...

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
I should've been dead on a Sunday morning...
Yeah... the Sunday morning before he was born.

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
This widescreen TV doesn't work too well for watching Bonanza, huh?
You're the one who wanted it, dear.

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
Welcome to Best Buy. Do you have a question?
Yeah. Do you sell processors?
Sure do! They come in a tall metal box with a free DVD-ROM and a CD burner.
Really? Where are they?
There's one right behind you. It says "Sony VAIO" on it.
All I see is a computer.

 

by il_schmucko
9-23-02
Hey--do you guys sell picture albums?
No, ma'am. This is Best Buy.
Oh. Okay.
Have a nice day.
I swear--every day some dumb bitch comes in drunk and thinks she's at Wal-Mart.
Why didn't you sell her a service plan?

 

by il_schmucko
9-24-02
We have 12 months no-interest financing and 6 free months of MSN for all computers. Also, remember you'll need learning software and battery backup.
Plus there's a free 14-day Netflix trial, a service plan to cover your CPU for three years, and don't forget your ink and cables. Have you seen the configuration station?
Actually, I'm here to pick up "Mario Sunshine."
Can I get a smoke break over here?

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