All comics by MikeyG

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by MikeyG
8-20-04
Man, I think those 37 Guinness I drank last night did me in.
Well, that's why you've gotta have a hair of the dog that bit ya. Speaking of such, have you seen Rover?
No, but this morning Janeane woke me up with a blowjob. I was so turned on that I just flipped her around and slammed the shit out of her.
Dude, Janeane and all the other girls took a cab home last night.
That may explain why my mouth tastes like more like Alpo than usual this morning.
We go through dogs like toilet paper here.

 

by MikeyG
8-20-04
**Truth In Titles of Television, Images, and Entertainment
In this movie, two white people go diving, then a mix-up occurs and they're stranded in....yup, you guessed it! OPEN WATER!
Then a bunch of sharks swim around. So I've decided to change the title here, but it's a bit of a spoiler. So don't read on if you don't want it spoiled.
The new name of Open Water is "She's Naked in the Beginning".

 

by MikeyG
8-24-04
***Truth In Titles, Television, Images, and Entertaiment System
I'm sure a few of you have seen commercials or previews for the upcoming DreamWorks animated movie, Shark Tale.
Well, TITTIES has taken it upon itself to retitle the movie based solely on the commercials.
The new title is "Blaxploiting Nemo". Enjoy.

 

by MikeyG
8-24-04
So, in order for me to get another chance, I have to perform a task for you?
Praise-AH the Lord-AH! Yes indeedy-AH! Can I get a Praise-ah Jesus-uh?
Praise-ah
Jesus-uh?
The Lord Almighty has seen fit-ah to send-uh you on a quest-ah for his humble servant-AH, Mista Bill Ivey. Please retrieve-AH a cup of the Juice of the Lord hisself, Ethiopia Harrar Coffee-ah.
I hope this is nto a wild goose chase, Principal Ivey.
Lordy Lordy, PRAISE Jesus! Jehova hisself blesses you-ah! Oh, and make that light on the cream and heavy on the sugar, sugar.

 

by MikeyG
8-24-04
I'd like to talk to you about something, Mr. Boorite.
Huh? Make it quick, son, I'm meditating.
With a beer in your hand? Anyway, what happened to your pants?
They were shot off in the war, son.
But can't you just....buy a new pair?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!

 

by MikeyG
8-25-04
Had to eat his pants to survive.
I'm trapped in a cave with nothing to eat but my pants!
Lost his pants in a bet
I'll bet you my pants I won't put Rufies in your drink and make sweaty buttlove to your unconscious ass!
You're on!
Is allergic to pants.
If I cover my knees, my vas deferens twitches spasmodically.

 

by MikeyG
8-25-04
His ass is a pants-eating black hole
Only pants, though. Skirts stay on just fine.
He feels it restricts his innate abilities.
I am a flying boorite.
He believes black people should not have to wear pants.
I'm black.

 

by MikeyG
9-01-04
In 1773 ½, Big Joey Albany sailed across New Jersey with vast hopes of being able to breathe.
Instead he founded New York and its capital, named after himself. The rest of the cities were named for members of his crew.
1st Mate Ralph Yonkers, Tiberius Bronx, Augustus Whiteplains, Wilford "Scooter" Woppingersfalls, Thaddeus Statenisland...

 

by MikeyG
9-01-04
BLEEP BLOOP POW BLOOP ZAP
POW POW ZAP BLEEP ZIP ZAP
BLIP BLIP FLOBBLE FLORP FLECKLE
Dude, I think we're haplessly addicted to video games.
This is the first dialogue we've had since February.

 

by MikeyG
9-01-04
Back sometime allegedly before WW2, Machiavelli Atlanta tripped over a South Dakotan stone and fell into Georgia. He fell pretty far.
He named the capital after himself and the other areas he named for the thirty Leprechauns he was carrying in his pocket, none of which were actually Irish.
They were Angus Experiment, Patrick Piedmont, Vargus Manchester, Nigel Eastpoint, Marvin Buttsmonroe, Norman Libertyhill, Zippy Peachtreecity...

 

by MikeyG
9-02-04
My lovely chocolate companion, are you feeling comfortable? You seem to be dumbstruck.
I am very comfortable, my African King. Do you have any special powers?
Yes, my Mocha goddess, I can spin my penis like a helicopter and fly, as well as lassoing a raging bull with it from 60 yards.
My first love is fighting injustice in the workplace, but this man is tearing me away from it!
You seem like you're torn over something.
You've created an apartheid of my heart.

 

by MikeyG
9-12-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
I farted.

 

by MikeyG
9-12-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
God don't exist, but if'n he did, he'd be in mah pants.

 

by MikeyG
9-13-04
In his later years...
Rumplestilskin!
damn.
Rumplestilskin!
damn!
Rumplestilskin!
It's getting way too hard to trick people out of their firstborn infants these days.

 

by MikeyG
9-13-04
Man, I've lost my touch. I think I'll have to change my name if I want to keep this career going.
I need something that's dynamic, manly, and that no one will ever guess.
Later...
I'm sorry, sir. That name is overused and officially banned.
What? What kind of person would name themselves John Smith?

 

by MikeyG
9-14-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
Thur's a party in mah pants, butchoo ain't got an invaht.

 

by MikeyG
9-14-04
Baby, I'm gonna turn off the lights and get ready. You hang tight, my luscious Devil's Food cupcake.
Okay, my Congo prince. Hurry back!
Later...
Aaaaaaaaah.
I'm going to turn on the lights.
CLICK
Ja, hullo mein Schvartze minxen!
Oh my God, I just got totally Boer'd.

 

by MikeyG
9-16-04
It'll make it easier for me to trick these women into giving me their firstborn infants if I don't record my name anywhere.
From now on, my name is Mankiewicz!
Later...
Is it...Mankiewicz?
No, it's Tits McPumpernickel. Give me the damn kid.

 

by MikeyG
9-17-04
Arrr, me luvverly lass! Avast!
See here, buccaneer.
I was a-wonderin' if'n ye be ripe fer plunderin'!
I don't date pirates anymore, you see. I had a bad experience with an ex-matey. We got off together on the right foot, but I found every inch of his body was covered in soot.
'Tho I've had me share of leisure, I keep to me hygeine measures, and not a-showerin' is reckless.
We dallied in much pleasure, and as I was 'diving for his treasure', he cursed me with a Black Pearl Necklace.

 

by MikeyG
9-17-04
Vut's da matta, Ibrahim?
I just got news that a major Jewish holiday is being switched to today!
Oi! Dot's not enough time to prepare!
I just vish it hadn't been dropped on us so suddenly.
I know, vot happen?
Somebody set us up the Yom.

 

by MikeyG
9-23-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
Ugh, my anal sphincter is sore as hell from my latest defecation!
Aaah, it must have been one of those thick, tough ones, eh?
This is a new series that will explore those taboos.
Yeah, I held it in for a few days and when it came out it felt like I was trying to push a boulder through a straw!
Must have been one of those logs that look like a bunch of little turd-transformers joined together to form Poopticon.
And put them into the public setting for all to see.
Totally! Now I'm just waiting for my browneye to snap back into shape!
For future reference, rigorous buggering can increase its elasticity.

 

by MikeyG
9-27-04
Jesus Christ, man!
What's up, Mohammad?
I saw 'Passion of The Christ' yesterday.
I've seen it.
It was pretty damn bloody.
Yeah, I totally got my ass kicked.

 

by MikeyG
9-28-04
boinky33 is the kid that Michael Jackson says isn't his son in Billie Jean.
boinky33 is really just a poor upgrade from boinky32.
boinky33 has an addiction to eating sequins and dried glue chunks.
boinky33 made it hard for Tigger to get an acting job outside of Winnie the Pooh.
boinky33 stapled "Lost" posters of himself all over the telephone poles in his neighborhood.
boinky33 is believe to have pioneered the "one nostril at a time" method of blowing your nose.

 

by MikeyG
9-29-04
Sweet thang, The Pimpsta done come to turn yo' proud black ass OUT!
My only hope is to utilize the powers of feminism to create an impenetrable bubble of hostile lesbianism!
ZAP!
So, you luscious coffee concubine, are you ready to be a lady of my night?
I will never succumb to your caucasoid-influenced patriarchal oppression!
CRUMBLE'D!!!!
Ah gots a bikini made out of diamonds, a yacht on loan from P. Diddy, and the world's biggest box o' chocolates that say diffr'nt, sugah.
Pseudolesbian Aura Shield structural integrity compromised!

 

by MikeyG
10-06-04
The conumdrum, captain, I confess, is that my conservative core is quite compressed. I'm hampered by my hankering for hookerish hactivities.
I haven't seen anything this crazy since Don King spoke at my college pep rally. What the hell is going on?
Meanwhile...
His pimptastic powers are preposterously potent! Can't...even... think... properly...
My midnight mama, your moxy is meritable, but in the end my mojo will make you mine. Let me just lasciviously line up my luscious lapel, here.
RRRRRRRRRRIP!
His powers come from his costume! If I can just rip them off....JESSE JACKSON????
Nooooo!

 

by MikeyG
10-12-04
What are you going as for Halloween?
I'm going as your dad.
But you look nothing like him. How can you go as my dad?
I smell like shit and hookers.

 

by MikeyG
10-12-04
You're my dad, the Pimpster, AND Jesse Jackson?
Make sure my meaning don't get blurred, I transfused blood into a nerd, the same nerd done bit you, I heard.
So, then you created me!
I'm responsible for you, my dear, It's 'cuz of me that you are here, I assure you there's nothing to fear, so long as you give up your fine, black rear!
BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW
That's disgusting! You're my father!
Listen, girl, to my theme song, my blood's in you, don't get me wrong, this meeting's fated, and we ain't related, so move that ass, let's GET IT ON!

 

by MikeyG
10-12-04
Mustard makes me shit blood.
That's awesome.
No, it isn't.
Like, is it projectile?
No, just activates my 'rhoids.
Then tell Mustard or whatever you call him to slow down on the withdraw.

 

by MikeyG
10-13-04
Did you hear Disney has optioned the rights to do an animated biography of Marlon Brando's life?
They're calling it "A Slug's Life".

 

by MikeyG
10-13-04
He was born during the great Pickled Egg War of 750 A.D. to a disembodied pair of upside-down feet.
*waggle*
Hey, what do I nurse from?
He grew up as a young Hispanic girl on the streets of Zimbabwe with naught but fire to play with.
You ate mommy before she could waggle not to play with you.
When puberty hit, young umfum gained the ability to show people his Nervous system. But fire, his only friend, died.
NOW how am I going to make my farts explode?

 

by MikeyG
10-18-04
Mr. Boorite, I've come to inform you of a request filed by ALL female staff that you (quote) "Sheath those birdlegs".
I cannot, sir, for it is discriminatory that you should even ask me to.
And how is that?
As this card will show, I am a member of the Pantsless Americans of America.
This is a magic-markered piece of possibly used paper towel.
We're under-funded at the moment.

 

by MikeyG
10-21-04
http://www.fieldhead.demon.co.uk/booballs.jpg
What did you do???
I wrote boorite's name on my balls.
That's a pretty raggedy pair of balls, man.
Sorry, I'll do better next time.
No, it's fine. I always thought I'd see boorite on a pair of raggedy balls anyway.

 

by MikeyG
10-25-04
boorite and MikeyG went to a Howard Zinn lecture
Dude, some "terrorist" could set off a bomb in here and blow away a good chunk of Kerry's voters right now.
There'd probably be no real consequences, either. The police would say they're "looking into it".
Doesn't it scare you that such a thing is even plausible right now?
I won't let anything happen, I think I could take any troublemakers out myself.
Not by the hair of your Zinny Zinn Zinn, huh?
Starting with you.

 

by MikeyG
10-25-04
So, I was doing this teacher-training course in Embra, and didn't want to have to commute from Glasgow every day.
So THAT'S why you've not been living with the fam'.
And now I'm qualified to teach the Queen's English to savages!
I thought maybe your dad finally caught you trying to toss your mom some buttlove.
Nope, not been caught yet.
That makes one of us.

 

by MikeyG
10-25-04
...boorite and MikeyG went to a Howard Zinn lecture
Look, they all get to sit down and have the microphones at chest-level.
Howard Zinn is pretty old, so it probably wouldn't be good for him to be standing the whole time.
It would be great if we had one of those microphones.
You know what would be even better?
What?
If Zinn just pulled the mike behind him and ripped a noisy one.

 

by MikeyG
11-03-04
This Just In: John Kerry calls Bush to concede election!
More on that when information arrives.
This Just In: Kerry makes concession speech, declaring Bush the final presidential winner.
We're calling this election for Bush.
This Just In: Secure in his position as President for another 4 years, Bush has just shed his human guise and is now flying around Washington shitting fire in his demon form.
We are so owned.

 

by MikeyG
11-04-04
This Just In: The Bush Administration, in their first move as the returning administration, moved to pass a bill legalizing Cloning.
Dick Cheney is said to be authoring the bill.
This Just In: Cloning Bill passed, Democrats call it "a desperate bid to silence the scientific community, making this administration more palatable."
Perhaps the Bush Admin is hoping to garner more complacency.
This Just In: Sources reveal that clones of Cheney are already being produced, in hopes of keeping Cheney in hearts 'til election year 2008.
Owned again.

 

by MikeyG
11-09-04
We need to name that place near Texas.
I know, but we've already used too many "Norths" and "Souths" with the Dakotas and Carolinas.
Yeah, and we made a 'WEST' Virginia.
Well, there are a lot of Mexicans still in it, but it's not Mexico anymore.
How about Mexico 2?
It's definitely better than Armexico.

 

by MikeyG
11-09-04
In rural areas, the rates of STD infection are way higher than in metropolitan areas on the whole. So much for unrepentant urban sin being more dangerous than quaint country life.
Well, I knew that was bullshit from the get-go.
And these rural areas are places that you'd expect *under* report because people are ashamed to talk about it, or to even be tested.
And unwed mother rates and teen pregnancy rates are high, proportionally, in ANY low-income area, whether it be urban or rural.
Yeah, for many different reasons.
One of which being that I like to fuck poor chicks bareback.

 

by MikeyG
11-11-04
I tink I made a wrong toin at Albuquerque.

 

by MikeyG
11-11-04
Hi, I'm totally Scott Stapp or something.
Buy CreedSpeedâ„¢. It's actually real Speed.
Yay God.

 

by MikeyG
11-12-04
Later...
Mr. Ivey, the young woman applying for the job has returned.
I hope she's got that coffee. My colon's been reticent for a week and I feel as bloated as a rotting corpse in the desert.
Coffee jogs your GI system?
Not as much as a hefty helping of baked beans in buttercream, but maybe just enough to slap that pucker-sucker into obedience.
Should I send her in?
I was going to say "yes", but a twitching in my nether regions tells me its either finally time to dunk some fudge cookies in the clear milk or the Enzyte's working.

 

by MikeyG
11-15-04
A Rape of Athletes
A Mediocre of P. Diddys
A Touching of Michael Jacksons

 

by MikeyG
11-16-04
an Asylum of Divas
I'm Every Woman! (as well as Whitney Houston.) Anyone seen my green?
I'm Mariah Carey, star of...I CAN'T HANDLE THIS STRESS!
a Church of Mel Gibsons
He DIED for your sins!
No, he died for YOUR sins!
a Motherfucker of Samuel L. Jacksons

 

by MikeyG
11-18-04
So there was this guy...
Was he gay?
Fuck me in the ass, he was.
So am I.
That makes two of us.
Tweety Bird is my hero.

 

by MikeyG
11-19-04
The Cubs lost again today, making them the biggest joke in the National League. On the way out of the stadium, they were brutally attacked by the NY Yankees.
The NY Mets and the rest of the National League stood guard while a rabid, foaming Derek Jeter tore Moises Alou's limbs off.
*his real name
The only surviving member, Bench Coach Dick Pole* gave this statement: "This happened because crabby didn't love us enough."

 

by MikeyG
11-19-04
Breaking News! Scientists have discovered a new virus! They say it's already infected the entire world.
It affects women only, especially their ability to produce. The virus blocks the process in which the female zygote develops into a male.
All children born until a cure is found will be female.

 

by MikeyG
11-19-04

 

by MikeyG
11-19-04

 

by MikeyG
11-19-04

Showing page 11.

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