All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
8-26-02
Excuse me... do you know whether that Barry's Costume Shop across the street is the one that specializes in alien costumes?
Uh, yeah... I think so.
Um, yes?
Hi! Thanks for the directions to the costume shop earlier. Getting around will be a lot easier now.
Is it possible to hide under the bed and drink a bottle of gin at the same time? Time to find out...

 

by Scyess
8-26-02
Excuse me... aren you a local TV newscaster?
Yes, I am! Joan Johnston from Channel 6!
Aha! I knew it.
I'm always flattered when I meet a fan on the street.
Oh, I'm not a fan. I figured anyone with hair that large and immobile had to be either a local TV newscaster or a mannequin.
You'll pardon me if I don't want to take hair advice from a man sporting the "Elvis Just Woke Up" look.

 

by Scyess
8-26-02
I'm sorry, Jim. The test results are in, and... you've got two weeks to live. I'm sorry.
Well, I don't want to die...
but it seems that if I only have two weeks I could chop you into little bits and not have to worry about any consequences. If ya get my meanin'.
Did I say two weeks? I meant 50 years.
That's what I thought.

 

by Scyess
8-27-02
And this year's Award for Non-Specificity goes to...
... some person!
I guess I'll never know whether I've won one of these things or not.
Next up... a program.

 

by Scyess
8-27-02
...yes?
Hello! I'm from that sweepstakes you entered! You've won our tertiary runner-up consolation sub-prize!
I won? Great! What do I get?!
You've won... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Uh, thanks.
Hey, you earned it!

 

by Scyess
8-27-02
"We're here with Bob, who's just set the record for the most trout stuffed into his ass hole at once. Bob?"
"Thanks, Roger. Although I have to say, I'm not sure whether this title is an honor, or a testament to my trite, pathetic existence."
"Well, Bob, it's not really meant to be an honor." --------------------------- "Oh."

 

by Scyess
8-28-02
Should I say it...? No... well... I mean, it's right here... I might as well... No, it's stupid, but it's just begging to be said... oh, what the hell...
Oh my gosh! That is one fine piece of ash! Hahaha!
*sigh* I wonder why I'm so lonely.

 

by Scyess
8-28-02
Did you go to the site?
It looks like just another search page.
No, it's THE BEST search page. It searches for what you actually want, no matter what you type.
Okay, let's try a search for "argyle socks..."
See? It pulled up dating services and college girls' home pages.
...but what I REALLY wanted was Milla Jovovich's phone number.

 

by Scyess
8-29-02
God sent dreams to Joseph, sent plagues to Egypt and a friggin' burning bush to Moses... if he's so almighty, why doesn't He just show up once in a while and just SAY it already!
*-*-*--POOF!!--*-*-*
Know what? You're a jerk.
Yike!
Then again, subtlety does have its advantages.
I didn't say a thing.

 

by Scyess
9-04-02
Hi there! I saw you standing here, and I wanted to tell you you look nice, and, uh...
I have small men living in my aorta!
Wow... I can't imagine how many pick-up lines you had to try before coming up with that one.
Does that mean it worked?

 

by Scyess
9-05-02
The trick to drinking an entire bottle of cheap whiskey in five minutes is to spill it liberally all over yourself.
Of course, when you wake up the next day in a pile if your own vomit and urine, you've got to remember not to light a fart or you could go up like a huge fireball.
Somehow, I don't think you're what they had in mind when Nike started selling shirts.
I keep the logo prominent by never washing this shirt.

 

by Scyess
9-06-02
I have a great relationship with my boyfriend... watch this... HEY, FUCKWAD! WE'RE MOVING TO BOZEMAN, MONTANA TOMORROW!
"Like Hell we are."
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I thought you enjoyed oral sex more than that, but if you don't want it anymore, it's your choice.
"We'll pack tonight."
YOU'll pack. Right now.
The fact that this does nothing to diminish my desire for a girlfriend is downright frightening.

 

by Scyess
9-06-02
Okay, so what's this "great new invention" you were talking about?
They're great! I've invented a line of light bulbs that only shine on stuff worth looking at.
I hate you.
I know.

 

by Scyess
9-09-02
I'm almost to the end of the rainbow! Now I can get the Leprechan and his pot of g-- wait, what the heck is that?
*snort*
I hope you don't mind if I'm a little disappointed.
's okay. I'm disappointed you can't tell the difference between a rainbow and a cloud of irradiated petroleum vapor.

 

by Scyess
9-10-02
Hey, remember that one kid in school who was too stupid to know that everyone made fun of him behind his back?
Uh, no.
Aw, c'mon... there's one in every group: the oblivious loser that everyone humors and who never knows how unpopular he really is.
Not in my gruop there wasn't. I would remember him.
It should sink in any minute now...
Unless... hey, wait a minute...

 

by Scyess
9-10-02
...and so what was the victim telling you before he was found murdered, castrated, and stuck to the women's room ceiling with gum?
He was telling me about something he found this morning...
Odd... I don't remember leaving a bloody horse head in my bed... and I just bought these Calvin Klein sheets...
Sorry to interrupt, but I'm from the Medical Examiner's office. What should I do with the stuck-up castrato?
Leave the gum; take the cajones.

 

by Scyess
9-10-02
What men think...
Damn, she's hot. Being the hot hunk of man that I am, she can't help but go for me.
What women think...
This guy's not so good looking, but maybe I have a chance dispite my flat-ish chest, short legs, and unremarkable hair.
The result...
Let's go back to my place!
Okay.

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
Hi, Earl! Happy September 11th!
Jon, you insensitive, cretinous bastard. September 11th is the anniversary of the worst terrorist attack in history. Show a little fucking sensitivity, for Christ's sake.
Yeah, you're right. I guess I'll cancel the stripper.
Woah, now! Let's not be rash...

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
They think the same...
I'm so unattractive. I have no chest and dumb hair. No girl in her right mind would go out with me -- I'm such a loser.
I have a flat-ish chest, short legs, and unremarkable hair. I'm so unappealing I'll never get a date. May as well go home.
But they act...
Hey, that appeared to be a human female!
differently.
Hey! Wanna go out!
Sure.

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
-----BOING!-----
*gasp*
WHHEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeaaaa aaaaahh!!!!
Now that planet has to have the galaxy's highest-bounce trampoline, ever.
Let's blow it up, anyway.

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
**KNOCK KNOCK**
Uuhhh... can I help you?
Hi! I'm here to blow up your planet. Would you mind if I stored several cosmic anti-matter destructo-mines in your house while I retreat several light years away?
Um, yes?
Damn.

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
So you failed to blow up the Earth?
Yep. They just wouldn't let me put the destructo-mines anywhere.
Hm... it says in the Encyclopedia that the dominant species here may be averse to storing explosives capable of destroying their entire planet in their immediate presence.
Looks like we're defeated.
Are you sure it's okay to be defeated because they won't let us blow them up? Why don't we just launch the mines at them and go?
At the planet? You fool! They have all those trampolines! Curse you, bouncy, bouncy Earth trampolines!

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
Um, you again?
Uh... I don't know what you're talking about. I'm from the snacky-snack sweepstakes, you've won a lifetime delivery of Cool Ranch Doritos to your house! I'll bring 'em in.
Oh, gee, those "Cool Ranch Doritos" wouldn't happen to be intergalactic destructo-mines in disguise, would they?
Um, no! Absolutely not! Or your money back! Or something...
It's a good thing he didn't offer Funyuns, or I might not have been able to resist. Oops... did I say that out loud?
*KNOCK KNOCK*

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
Thursday
Hi, I'm from Bob's Free Cable Installation and Destructo-Mine service...
Friday
Destructo-Mine-o-Gram!
Saturday
DAMMIT! I WILL NOT LET YOU PUT MINES CAPABLE OF BLOWING UP EARTH IN MY HOUSE!
Who said I wanted that? I'm just, uuhhh, collecting for the March of Mines. I MEAN DIMES!

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
Hi! I hope you don't mind my waiting for your to come home. I'm from the Publisher's Mine-Laying House Sweepstakes, and...
STOP BOTHERING ME! YOU MAY -NOT- LAY DESTRUCTO-MINES IN MY HOUSE! EVER! PERIOD!
Well, then, can I at least play on your trampoline?
Okay.

 

by Scyess
9-11-02
-----BOING!-----
Wheee!!!
-----BOING!-----
Yaahhooo! Hahaha!!!
Bad news, base. It looks like Liz-Ord has been tempted to the Earthling's side by their super-bouncy trampolines.
Oy Veh! Always with the tramplines. I ask you to do one thing, and what to I get? Bubkis! Nada! The captain of Base §Ù blew up Alpha Centauri... Did he get reports of water slides? No! Ayayaye...

 

by Scyess
9-12-02
Woo-hoo! Hey there, little lady! Know what they call me? I'm a SEXagenarian! Yep! Since a few birthdays ago I'm so virile I've got "sex" in my name!
Yep! I am the very model of masculinity and prowess! As a SEXagenarian, I can sex the tarnation out of any sweet little filly that comes along! Look out, ladies! SEXagenarian on the loose! Yowza!
I, um, found your grampaw... you can take him back now. PLEASE.
Are you kidding? It took me long enough to lose him the first time.

 

by Scyess
9-12-02
God, how do I put a stop to this?
Hey, there, little girl! Wanna give this SEXagenarian a chance? Being a SEXagenarian and all I may be too much for ya, but I'll use my SEXageneric skills only so long as you can handle the pleasure!
Uh, happy birthday! You're no longer a sexagenarian!
Uh, I'm not?
I guess that took care of that...
Check out this thing I just got out of my nose! You'll find none better than this -- straight from my septum -- what with my being a SEPTUagenarian and all. Don't thank me yet... there's more...

 

by Scyess
9-12-02
Maybe I can get out of this by telling him he's had another birthday...
And this came from the right side of my septum. Being a SEPTUagenarian, of course, I can produce wonders from both sides of my septum. ...just one of my many SEPTUagenarian skills...
..ooOO{ hhmmm... }
GAH!
AHA! NOW LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT AN -OCTO-GENARIAN CAN DO!
On second thought, maybe I should just rely on my ability to run faster than he can.
Now from the left septum -- that's my SEPTUagenarian septum -- can also produce wonders. Take this, for example...

 

by Scyess
9-12-02
And what's really special is that being a SEPTUagenarian, I can mash specimines from both sides of my septum to create this lovely SEPTUagenarian specialty...
Uh, boy, doesn't time fly? It seems like only yesterday you were a septuagenarian, and here you're 90 already! Happy birthday!
Well, I'll be. Here I am, a.. um... nonagenarian! Uh, what do nonagenarians do, again?
Well, they die, mostly.
*CLUNK*
I wish I'd thought of this sooner...

 

by Scyess
9-13-02
Meanwhile, in Jon's house...
Oh, shit! It's a "Meanwhile!" we're in for it now...
What? Why?
Dammit, don't you get it? "Meanwhile" means that somewhere, someone is plotting something! Who knows what sort of nefarious scheming is going on!
Gosh, you're right! What can we do... don't panic... don't panic... AAAHH!! I'M PANICKING!
Meanwhile, in the park...
Oh, shit! It's a "Meanwhile!" Jim! Uh, Jim?
I wonder if I should fib about that $50 bonus on my income taxes.

 

by Scyess
9-14-02
Do you ever wonder, Chewbacca? Do you ever wonder if maybe long, long from now in a galaxy far, far away, humans will evolve who look exactly like us and speak English?
I don't think the Huts will miss one more doobie from this galactic pot cargo we're carrying.
I just hope those humans in the distant future have better haircuts. Have you seen Luke? Damn! That boy makes me look like a "Before" picture in a Hair Club commercial.

 

by Scyess
9-15-02
Oh, I hate those burps where the all-you-can-eat Indian curry buffet from lunch comes marching back up your esophogus.
Um, excuse me... I don't normally approach guys, but I saw you and... well, I find you very attractive. Would you like to go out sometime?
Crap! What should I do? I can't talk to her because of my curry/bile breath, but I can't just stand here and say nothing...
You're not saying anything... this is some sort of wierd rejection, isn't it? I'm so embarassed! Bye!
Later, at the World of Intestinally Questionable All-U-Can-Eet Curry Buffet Extravaganza Restaraunt
Aperna! I just got a subpeona from some guy claming it's our fault he's still a virgin.
Are you sure that wasn't supposed to go to McDonald's?

 

by Scyess
9-15-02
She was beautiful, but I had just let a heinous curry burp so I didn't want to open my mouth when she spoke to me. Did I do the right thing?
Uh, if you don't mind, I think I'll continue my half of the conversation from within the closet.
I think I did the right thing.
*SLAM* Hey, I think we need to put some more vents in here.

 

by Scyess
9-16-02
Jon, it makes me uncomfortable how you're always "fawning" over me! hehe
Um, but I don't fawn over you.
No, that was a joke, see? You know, because I'm a fawn and all.
Uh, but you're not a fawn. You're a pink cow who lives in my closet.
DAMMIT, JON! WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME FOR WHO I REALLY AM!?!
...which is a pink cow who needs to stop watching Bambi while dropping acid.

 

by Scyess
9-16-02
Women: on other people's appearance
Jon, ferchrissakes, you've worn that same shirt for six days!
Really? I didn't notice.
Men: on other people's appearance
Hey, Jon! Notice anything different about me?
Uuhhh... new haircut?
The result
Do you like this skirt, or the pink? _______________ Really? You think these shoes go okay with my hair ties? _______________ Really? Better than the third pair? _______________ Even with the blue?
Whichever you are currently wearing. _______________ Yes. _______________ Yes. _______________ Christ, we're only going to check the fucking mailbox.

 

by Scyess
9-17-02
...so when you're making icing, it's better to use an electric mixer. An electric mixer is better for everthing, actually.
Even sex? HAHAHAHAHA!
Uh, sex...? See? A joke... with the mixer, you know...
Fortunately I anticipated your puerile innuendos when I agreed to help you make this cake, and I invited Jim over to help you explore your repressed sexuality.
Fuck.
Don't worry, Jon. I brought my own. It's diesel. *whiiirrrRRRRRR!!!*

 

by Scyess
9-18-02
Hey, Frubert! What's small and green and is about to be ripped open and have its heart devoured by me?
An artichoke! Ho ho ho!
One day, laughing boy, the revolution WILL come.
Ho ho ho! Just kidding! It's really you.

 

by Scyess
9-19-02
Hey, it says here on your resumé you went to college at SDCC! So did I!
Really? What a coincidence! It was a great school, wasn't it?
You bet. People throwing 24-hour parties, a near communist philosophy on sharing weed, women who would strip naked for a beer...
...and that was just the faculty! And those pre-game blow outs! Go Cougars! Haha! Those were the days.
Yeah, good times. Of course, you realize there's not a chance in hell I'd give a party-school goof-off loser like you this job.
Of course.

 

by Scyess
9-20-02
Hi there! I'm Paul. How would you like to get a pizza and fuck?
AAAAAAHHH!!!
I think I'd rather shatter your skull into pieces the size of Grape Nuts®.
* gurgle* Well... *cough* How about we *sputter* forget the pizza? AAAAIIIYYYYEEEE!!
STOP... BREATHING!!

 

by Scyess
9-20-02
I'm so glad I'm not a woman. It must absolutely suck to randomly bleed all the time.
HIYA!!!
Yep, it sucks.
See ya next month!

 

by Scyess
9-20-02
Men: External
Um, hi... I, um, er... my name's Jon, and... uh...
. . . ?
Men: Internal
Hi! It looks like you're trying to hit on a girl. Would you like some help?
The result
Somebody'd better call God, 'cause he's missing an angel!
He's about to get a replacement...

 

by Scyess
9-23-02
Hey, Gregg... thanks for inviting me to your party.
No problem. I'm just glad someone showed up.
I just wish you'd told me before I came that you meant the Nazi Party.
Oh, that shouldn't be a problem... but I will have make sure you still have a foreskin. Drop 'em.

 

by Scyess
9-24-02
Ah, you must be my blind date, "Jonathan." Nice to meet you, Jon.
DAMMIT! WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME THEY CAN CALL ME "JON?" IS IT WRITTEN SOMEWHERE? IS IT TATOOED ON MY FOREHEAD?
PEOPLE NAMED "JONATHAN" DO NOT ALL GO BY "JON!" DAMMIT, SHOW MY NAME SOME RESPECT AT LEAST UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW ME!!
Well, anyway, congratulations on achieving the shortest blind date in history, "Jonathan."
Actually, everyone calls me "Jon."

 

by Scyess
9-25-02
Hm... I wonder if I should kick that old man over there in the nuts for fun...
No! Don't do it! That would be immoral, and you would probably go to jail for assault!
Hm. Rebuttal?
o/` Pleased to meet you! Hope you guess my name! Woo! Woo! o/`
Can't argue with that. Time to stomp some withered gonads.
Curse you! Curse you, rock and roll music!

 

by Scyess
9-25-02
Aha! I have finally caught you in your lair, evil Dr. Carci Nogen! You've met your match this time!
Actually, I already met my match. You can tell because my ass is already on fire.
Jesus, that pun was awful.
It was my second best. The PUNtultimate of my repertoire.
Sometimes poor social skills are an arch-villian's best friend.

 

by Scyess
9-26-02
♫ Well since my baby left me / I found a new place to dwell! / ♫ It's down at the end of Lonely Street / at Heartbreak Hotel, where I'll be. ♫
Uh... The breakfast buffet is crappy / The pool is always closed / The maids never ever change the sheets / And the showers reek of mold. ♫
Er... the... um, snacks are the pecans of pathos / the view from my room faces doom / Uh... The sign on the door says, "Do Disturb" / and the, um, bed is my eternal tomb.
Thank God I learned to hide headphones under my ears, or I might actually have to be listening to this.

 

by Scyess
9-28-02
Can't... go... on...
Why not?
Uuhhh... gee, I never thought of it that way.
Heroism is much less rewarding than most people think.

 

by Scyess
9-28-02
Hi. Thanks for calling 911. I'll be your paramedic this evening.
Before I begin treatment, I like to break the ice by getting to know my patients.
I noticed you got hit by a Porche. I much prefer sportier looking Ferarris, don't you?
You're standing on my lungs.

 

by Scyess
9-28-02
WIth the touch of this button, I could launch a battery of missles precisely aimed to destroy the world's key_financial_institutions and economy. What'll ya give me if I do it?
Uh, a million dollars.
Wait a minute...

Showing page 11.

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