All comics by quodlibet

Profile

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
What's up, Holly? Why the feisty and gratuitous flashing of your juvenile underwear?
Nothing personal. I put my G-string panties on backwards today.
Gee, that sounds sexy yet uncomfortable.
Yeah, every time I kick someone repeatedly in the head, I get off.
You get off from the violence or the tawdry manipulation of your underpants?
Both. HIYA! Oooh!

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
What can I do for you, sir?
Gimme another one of these.
I'm sorry sir, you've been cut off by the management. You haven't paid your tab in ages.
I'm wearing a hot pink silky G-string. It's makin' me feel gooooood. I'll show you if you gimme another.
Why don't you just have a drink on the house, sir?
Here, you take this cup and I'll show you --

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
Dating for the Undead. Chapter 4. Raunchy Pickup Lines.
Like to see my boners, yeah baby yeah!
Chapter 5. Romantic Pickup Lines.
I'd like to vhirl you avay to my phroperty in Transylvania, vhere I vill lovingly suck on your tampons.
Chapter 6. More Romantic Pickup Lines
I love you to pieces.
I don't understand why all the freaks like me.

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
Now, class, tell me a word that start with the letter 'G'!
Jejunum!
Gnome!
Allah akbar!
Uh...Dubya?
Jesus Christ, these kids need to learn how to spell.

 

by quodlibet
11-15-04
Hey, you're from jerkcity, aren't you?
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! 111!!!!11!!!!!!!!11!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!DID U HEAR WUT HE SEID???????? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you really are from jerkcity --
WTF OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My solders will fite U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then i'll TELL ON U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My MOMMY WILL call UR MOM!!!!!!!!!!
If you just grew up a little bit, you know, you might not be so bad. Of course, your comics still stink.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how R U???????UR not MY SOLDR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by quodlibet
11-15-04
You're not funny.
Fuck off.
That wasn't very funny either.
Fuck off.
No other jokes in that one-shot arsenal, is there?
Fuck off.

 

by quodlibet
11-15-04
With your law degree from Yale, flawless good looks, excellent Christian upbringing, my son's made the right choice.
Why thank you sir!
Now that you're one of the finest families on the East Coast, tell me, dear, what do you do for a hobby?
I strip for a free website.
I can explain.

 

by quodlibet
11-15-04

 

by quodlibet
11-15-04
For whilst my hunch has straighten'd, forsooth, I have lost my iambic pentameter and steed.
Looking gloomy, oh King Rich3 of Stripcreator. But tell you what. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Ass, not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!
Profound, King Rich3, very profound. Let me see what I can do for you.
My kingdom for a...horse?
Giddy! Giddy-yup! Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh! Huh!

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
Hold up, there, stranger! Who goes there?
Jesus.
Lookit here, pardner. We won't be havin' any of you Mex-hi-can latinos sneakin' cross my border and taking up all the floor-moppin', burger-flippin', toilet-cleanin'...
...sweat-shoppin' lazy-ass jobs from our hard-workin' populace, I say! You turn around now, partner, our rights and freedoms ain't yours, they're ours!

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
They were saying on the news that people who spend a lot of time staring at the computer screen go blind.
Well, Mom, the thirty-second health news soundbite on TV can't detail the flaws of a non-randomized cross-sectional study involving a biased patient population.
I want you get off the computer and get some fresh air, dear.
Besides, Mom, they were probably whacking off to porn at the same time.

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
Oh, Lenny, isn't this view wonderful? It reminds me of our honeymoon here ten years ago!
Why, yes, dear, back when we were young and svelte.
Oh, Lenny, do you think we can make it again? Do you think you can trust me after my torrid love affair?
I don't know, dear. You still haven't given him up! You receive his boxes by mail-order every single day!
But, darling, it's Lindt! How can I resist his smooth creamy filling? His wonderful odour! Unwrapping him so slowly from his sheath -- licking his balls, so pregnant with pleasure?
Are you telling me that I'm no better than a box of imported chocolates?

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
And, Lenny, you're not blameless yourself! What of your torrid love affair with that horrid Dutch woman?
She's not Dutch, dear, she's Belgian. There's a huge difference between the two countries, not only in the simple and obvious superiority of the Belgians, but also in their general outlook on --
But you! You would bite her and make such horrendous noises while you lapped up her sweet fillings. Your eyes devoured her every time we met her in the stores!
She tasted voluptuous within my mouth.
You clutched her box to you when you slept. You were sleeping with other women in our bed! Our life together has been ruined by a box of chocolates! How many times did you love her behind my back?
When you had turned away from me. I needed her sweet and unconditional loving! I could not help it; I was weak.

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
And then! And then, if Godiva wasn't enough, you would sneak out at night, behind my back, and make love to Wendy!
Now, dear, you can hardly deny that you spent all hours of the day, consorting with that Ronald McDonald fellow, with his tacky golden arches. I thought money wasn't important to you.
And that Arby person! What did you ever see in her beef-and-cheese burgers and tawdry curled fries? Was the straight and narrow not enough for you?
No, I couldn't help falling into the pit of despair, when you, my love, associated with your latin lover, Orange Julius. Oh, I couldn't watch you squeezing his warm juicy wieners between your lips!
Oh, Lenny, but could you manage my distres when I saw you hanging out at Denny's, and Harvey's, so often, with those boys? Excluding me once more from your precious loving presence.
I only hoped to catch a glimpse of you with the mysterious Burger King -- how those taunting phone messages he left tore my heart to shreds!

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
No, Lenny, darling, you're right. I shouldn't have spent so much time with Ben and Jerry.
I know, darling, I know. I followed you around, jealous of your attention. I watched you bend over the counter, eyeing their wares with those bright eyes.
But how could I not, with Rocky Road in front of me? I always cried when I laid eyes on my favourite Chubby Hubby.
How could I not despair when I saw you licking Cherry Garcia with such delight? Or studying for Karamel Sutra? Each lick stung my sunken, shattered pride.
You know I had Everything But The --
-- adulation and love of your spouse. Oh, Virginia! Forgive me!

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
Oh Lenny! I'm so ashamed! I should have trusted you, even when you refused to change the channel, or when you were ogling Anna Kournikova.
You should have known that our love was based solidly upon the infatuations of youth and a mistaken impression of sex appeal.
I was so worried, with our relationship defined solely by the space we shared and the foods we ate, rather than any profound intellectual pairing.
But, my darling, our need to cope with stress with fast food has only strengthened our marriage. Our forms now are so corpulent that even we could not have marital relationships, even if we tried.
I'm so sorry for all the time that we've lost out of our lives. Oh Lenny! How I love you!
But I'm not sorry for all the lard now wrapped around our thighs and waists, preventing intimate relations with other creatures. Now we can be completely monogamous without fear of further adultery!

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
Later that evening....
Oh Lenny! Oh Lenny! Embrace me! Drink the wine from the cup of my mouth -- oh --
Oh Virginia my love! Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth!
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
Oh, eat the bread and drink the beer made with the yeast from my most intimate folds -- OH!
Will you do for me what you've done for all of your other men?
Your fillings are creamier than the centers of Lindt's balls of joy!
Oh, Virginia! Is sex really better than chocolate?

 

by quodlibet
11-16-04
Later that evening....
Oh! OH! Oh! OH! Lennieeeee -- I'm -- I'm --
Virginia -- wait -- oh noooooooooooo --
Still later that evening....
This just in. A skyscraper in the tourist-oriented downtown core has toppled and collapsed. Its structural failure is being blamed on a large couple...
...whose vigourous exertions toppled them out of bed and sent them crashing into the sub-sub- kitchen, nineteen stories below.

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
What can I do for you today?
I'd like to send this letter by express. It's already in an envelope with the address written clearly upon it.
Wait right here, so that I can get you another envelope to put your envelope in.
Doesn't that cost more?
Yes.
I don't understand.

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
We're a federal corporation involved in a year-long corruption scandal. There's nothing here you need to know.
But it's already in an envelope! You just need to put the little stickers on it!
Write it out again. It's only seventeen lines long and cost you an extra nine bucks.
What the fuck? You can just put the little stickies on the envelope! Hell, the guy who was just here did that!
Look, I'm a postal employee. They don't pay me to be smart. Or efficient.
But...why can't you just put the little stickies on the envelope and save us all that hassle?

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
I'm not going to put the little Express stickies on your envelope.
Why not? This form is HUGE -- it's twice as long as my letter!
The postal monopoly entitles me to fuck up your life as much as I please.
Well, all right, give me a pen and I'll fill it out.
I can't. I went on break thirty seconds ago. I'm back in half an hour.

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
Thirty minutes later.
Forty-five minutes later.
Sixty minutes later.

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
*whistles*
You said you'd be back in thirty minutes!
I missed my coffee break this morning, so I went for that. Union regulations. If I don't insist upon my rights to break, I could be oppressed and stripped of them.
Whatever. Now will you post my letter?
Nope. We're closed for the day. We're open from 10 to 2 tomorrow. We're closed at noon for an hour.

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
Mom, what's Daddy doing?
Uh...your Daddy's...um...stripping at the computer right now.
Mom, what does a stripper do?
He, um...he makes comics! Yeah, he makes comics.
What kind of comics, Mom? Can I see them? Are they funny?
Uh...no, dear, they're um...comics for adult people. You wouldn't, er, understand them.

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
Well, son, I know you're dependent upon us for food, shelter, and work, but we have to turn you out of our house.
But Dad! I thought you loved me in spite of my physical disabilities and un-Amish geekhood.
You're a useless cripple, son. You can't raise a barn, much less an erection. You're useless. You're damned to hell.
Have you no godly piety? No charity in your heart?
We're living in the 16th century, not the 21st. We still burn witches and expose our newborns on the hills to die. Get real. As a matter of fact, get out of here.
*sniff*

 

by quodlibet
11-18-04
You wanted me to do something, Dad?
Yeah, son. Go down to Earth and pop yourself out of a nice virgin.
Do a couple of parlour tricks, you know, cure the lepers, do that trick with the loaves and fishes, harp on peace and so on and piss off the Romans a little bit.
Confuse them with mumbo-jumbo and get yourself nailed to a cross, where you can die a horrible death of dehydration and exposure.
Any particular reason for all this work, Dad?
Does it matter? I'm your Dad, I made you out of nothing. I'll do whatever I want with you.

 

by quodlibet
11-24-04
Help me! Any minute now, Farmer John will sweep me up and cut out my heart in a pagan sacrifice to his chosen gods.
You're white as a new-shorn lamb, and more yeller-bellied than nicotine stains! Have no fear! Mr. Stinkybutt will save your rear!
Christ! These peasant hearts taste smoky. Revolting!
My worshippers are civilized; they eat bread which represents My spirit.
Jesus, man, dry little wafers don't hold the same 'je ne sais quoi' of raw beating hearts. Or nutritional value.
Yeah, but have you considered what part of my transsubstantiated flesh they're eating?

 

by quodlibet
11-25-04
You're looking happy today, Grandma.
I made a few little tootsie rolls today! It's the first time in a week.
That's great, Grandma. There's no better feeling than having a great big shit slithering out your bum.
You would know best, dear.
Sure, Grandma. Can I pimp a hundred bucks off you?

 

by quodlibet
11-25-04
Where are you going, Grandma? And what's that white bottle in your hand? Is that MY white bottle?.
Well, dear...no. It's my bottle. I have to admit that it's very good at keeping me happy.
Yeah, right, Grandma. Give it here. It had better not be my coke or rock you're sniffing.
Here, dear, why don't you try some?
Ewwwwww! Nasal spray? I'm not sharing your nasal spray! Who knows what boogers you've got on there!
Well, dear, I'd never ask to borrow a used tampon from you, either.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Dear Santa. I have been very good this year.
I hate the commercialization of Christmas and I'm sure so do you. After all, with one billion kids in the world, you've got to pay your elves overtime and a half.
So if you'll just send me a little vial or two of smallpox, I'll take the blame for you in return for Galactic Overlordship next year. Yours Sincerely.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Dear Santa, Judging from your lack of response, you didn't like my previous offer. Perhaps you were offended by the events at my house last year.
I hope you have healed from any burns inflicted by the flamethrower mounted in the fireplace. I can also send back the boot you left behind in the vicious leg-trap.
Any resemblance to the Cinderella story must end there. Yours sincerely.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Dear Santa, I find your continued silence difficult to comprehend.
Are you mad at me because I wanted the keys to the NORAD missile defence facility in Cheyenne, Colorado?
I will keep silent about your obvious ineptitude. My divine nature even permits me to forgive your weakness. Please write back soon acknowledging my benevolence. Yours Sincerely.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Dear Santa, I really have been very good this year. You can verify this with my mother and Gandalf, the idiot warden at the day-prison otherwise known as school.
I have tallied only sixty after-school detentions, four suspensions, sixteen visits to the infirmary, twenty-nine calls home, and three suspensions.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I'm getting better, mainly because she's a ditz and I'm smarter than her. As you can tell, this is an obvious improvement over the previous two years. Yours sincerely.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Look, kid, you're on hooker call tonight.
Excuse me? Hooker call?
Yeah. You bend over backwards to service all comers and get fucked out of your beauty sleep at three in the morning.
That doesn't sound too nice.
Hooker call's great. You get a stale muffin and a little cup of juice. If you're lucky, you'll finish rounds before three pm and go home early!
I suppose it's better than catching syphilis.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Dude, let's catch a movie and just...just get involved with life!
I can't. I have twelve hours to write five letters for residency applications...
Then I help set up the Christmas party tomorrow with Secret Santas and all that shit, and submit my applications. Then I've got to clean Sunday morning and work Sunday evening.
So you want to go out and get wasted?
Yeah, fuck this shit. It's just my future, after all.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it STOP!
Why are you making those whimpering noises?
Don't you hear them late at night? Squealing? Scratching? Clinking empty glasses? Scratching away at the thin insulation and flimsy boards separating us from the ravening horror within?
The raccoons having wild sex in your closet again?
Don't say the 'R' word! You said the 'R' word! Oh, the HORROR! The HORROR!
While I despise your need for antipsychotic medications, nevertheless I will attempt to rid you of this overpowering menace.

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
I simply wanted to inform you that the game is afoot, Watson. I assure you the trap is absolutely foolproof.
I'm not coming out until they're gone!
I baited kolbassa with capsaicin, which will cause your nefarious enemy to have uncontrollable retching and diarrhea until it dies.
I'm still not coming out until they're gone.
Is that a sound I hear? Quick, Watson! To the closet!
Oh God! The voices, the voices! Will it never end?

 

by quodlibet
11-26-04
Well, Watson, it didn't work.
But you said it was foolproof!
In the closet of dread:
Bert? What are you doing here?
*burp* Someone left kolbassa here. Spicy kolbassa. Oh YUMMY! Yummy in my tummy! Wanna get involved with life?
I forgot about Bert's insatiable appetite for life. However, Watson, rest assured that I have another plan, ready for action.
I'm not coming out until they're gone.

 

by quodlibet
11-27-04
Well, my archenemy, the Raccoon, has escaped my cruel and decidedly rusty leg-hold trap purchased.
You said that your plan was foolproof! Just like the last one!
In the closet of dread:
Come here, pretty kolbassa... I can smell you... Ohhhh, yummy kolbassa in my -- OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! Who put the leg-trap in here?!?!?!
Fortunately, our housemate Bertie had registered online for a free penile implant. His stub will regain its former three-inch glory after a few cosmetic repairs.
I'm still not coming out until the voices go away.

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Ohhhhhh! Uh! Uh! Yeah baby YEAH! Oooooooo!
What are you doing? I thought you said you were studying! And is that -- that's porn!
Beat it like a rented mule, baby! Whip it like a lemon meringue pie!
I told you, I'm studying to be a gynecologist.

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
When I met Bob, he told me that his favourite pastime was getting drunk and beating up his pregnant wife and shaking his kids until 'their brains turned into jello.'

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Bob was a kind and generous soul. He let me screw his wife for ten dollars, and I contracted herpes in the bargain.

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
The nicest thing I can say about Bob was that he voted for George Bush in both elections. I mean, at least he voted. For the wrong guy. But he still voted.

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
I first met Bob when he was selling himself as a transsexual porn star to raise money for his rehabilitation in the Catholic Church.

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Bob's political, personal, and social leanings made Hitler look like Groucho Marx.

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just thnk of something.
Bob was just too perfect for this world, and the Devil, his father, called him back home to the brimstone.

 

by quodlibet
11-28-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Bob's penchant for farting 'Happy Birthday' led to his unfortunate demise, after a heavy meal of refried beans.
We also bury his wife and children, roasted in the house fire, the dog, overcome by the nauseating fumes, and five hundred of his neighbours.

 

by quodlibet
11-29-04
Dear Santa, I am beginning to doubt your so-called omniscience.
Since May, I have written to you every single day without fail; I thought a kindred god-like figurehead with your unthinking cult following would appreciate the discourse of a fellow god-figure.
If you do not answer soon, I will conduct a swift campaign to disenfranchise your would-be army. I will write to the Tooth Fairy instead. Yours sincerely.

 

by quodlibet
11-29-04
Dear Santa. Your continued silence prompts me to retailiate.
Mom says we're having a Donner Party tonight.

 

by quodlibet
11-30-04
All right. Why were you down on your knees in that alley, sucking off some guy's penis?
Well, uh, I -- really, I just met him. He asked me for some help.
Come on, Zoe. Help sucking him off?
Yeah, uh, like, that time, when you lost a flake of your candy cane in your really grotty keyboard?
He had a piece of candy cane stuck in his penis? You gotta be kidding me.
He said that he had a candy cane in his shorts and he needed me to lick it out. Really irritating. It was that or the vaccuum cleaner. Really.

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