All comics by somnambulist

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by somnambulist
9-05-06
So to help solve my latest personal crisis, I decided to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?
Are agnostics even allowed to do that?
I concluded that he would give a few pithy speeches and then proceed to get himself nailed to a big hunk of wood.
Somehow I don't see you going in that direction.
Nah. I'm just going to bitch about it like I usually do and see if it helps this time.
You might want to get off this big wooden bench first, then.

 

by somnambulist
9-06-06
No, I don't think that would go over well.
Fine, we'll save our money to apply for a patent on one of your inventions, instead. I still think mine's a lot more practical, though.
Look, I'm not saying that helping disabled people be able to clean their homes more easily isn't a worthy goal or anything...
OK...
...but I just think they would find it incredibly offensive and demeaning to ride around on a "Vaccu-Tractor."
So? I figure if they're stuck riding their scooters all over the place, they might as well get the most out of it!

 

by somnambulist
9-08-06
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/365959
Hello. I'm Stephen Hawking, and I'm here to talk to you about the Vaccu Tractor* 2000, the latest technological breakthrough for the disabled.
This pimpin' ride comes with an authentic "John Deere" logo emblazoned on the side, your own set of custom rims, and turbo jets for maximum speed.
I just saw an ad for your invention on TV. I thought we agreed you weren't going to patent it!
I didn't. I sold the rights to the estate of Harry Browne. The informericals are even on DVD... wanna hear some of my voice-over commentaries?

 

by somnambulist
9-08-06
Maybe it's for the best I never ended up with the girl I based Allison on.
What makes you say that?
What I imagine might have happened:
It looks like you sliced your ball into that pot bunker.
So, what, does that mean I'm, like, supposed to smoke a joint now?
Well, that, and the fact that she's still being a cruel and heartless bitch about everything.
Aw, but all your ex girlfriends and unrequited loves are cruel and heartless bitches! Keep that streak up, and you'll be the Joe DiMaggio of romantic fiascoes!

 

by somnambulist
9-23-06
HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN
?
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
Nooooo...!! Not hexadecimal...!! You bastards!!
Um... hi. I didn't see you there, heh.
Oh, don't be embarassed. That was so. effing. hot.

 

by somnambulist
9-23-06
We'd like to take the money that the university allows our student club to invest for them, and use it to make trades on margin.
You do realize the consequences are bad for everyone if you get hit with a huge margin call that you can't cover, right?
Yeah, but that could never happen with a bunch of 20 year old undergraduate business majors doing the trading!
I'm sorry, I left my blind faith back at church. In 1992. Well, that, and the controller already, very sensibly, said we aren't going to let you do it.
We'd like to keep pushing anyway. Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen when you try and subvert the will of someone who just said no?
That depends. Are you referring to the disciplinary action, the lawsuit, or the restraining order?

 

by somnambulist
9-29-06
So how was the Doctor Who marathon?
Well, I've managed to draw two conclustions.
Which are?
Billie Piper is hot...
Yeah... and?
The British can be seriously fucked up sometimes.

 

by somnambulist
9-30-06
Hobo Depot
This "slightly used" medical waste receptacle only cost me 20 cents!
*hic* Score!
Breast Buy
I want those ones!
Wait a minute... this wasn't in the training videos!
Pimp 'N' Pantry
You better get me my money, ho!
Don't worry, you'll get your money, right after I bake this john a nice warm cherry pie.

 

by somnambulist
10-02-06
o/~ o/~ 'Isn't it ironic... ' o/~ o/~
No, Alanis, it isn't.
o/~ '...ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife...' o/~
Nah, irony would be if the NBA were sponsored by White Castle...
o/~ '...rain on your wedding day...' o/~
...or whenever the Little Mermaid eats tacos for dinner.

 

by somnambulist
10-12-06
Hi sweetie... whoa! What the heck happened to you?
Oh, this. Well, I was kind of tired when I went to get my hair cut last night and I had her do it kind of different. I guess it's supposed to look a little messy or something.
Yeah. If you put any more gel in that, you're legally obligated to start an emo band.
I thought it would make feel a bit less uptight about how I'm turning 30 soon, but mostly I feel like a guy who is too cheap to go buy a fucking comb.
Or maybe just a Mac user.
Watch it, or I'll have her come give you the Dorothy Hamill look while you're asleep tonight.

 

by somnambulist
10-16-06
Holy shit!
May I presume that outburst means you were watching Heroes again?
Well, I was, but that's not why I yelled "holy shit."
Well, what was so surprising, then?
I switched to ESPN during one of the commercials, and somehow the Arizona Cardinals were winning 20-0.

 

by somnambulist
10-17-06
Welcome to SimMassachusetts! (loading cities...)
Hmm... I wonder what havoc I can wreak today...
You have deployed a Pudding Golem to attack Peabody.
Flee, you miserable Peabodonians! The wrath of the Pudding Gods will consume you all!
...
What are you looking at....? It could too happen!

 

by somnambulist
10-24-06
I've been ordering a lot more Heineken lately when I feel like having a drink.
How long was that observation fermenting?
No, it's just weird. I'm not really even a big fan of beer to begin with.
So what's changed?
I'm not sure. The best explanation I can muster is that the bottle's green and I'm 1/128 Irish.
OK, so, you go get drunk, and I'll inform the Dutch?

 

by somnambulist
10-24-06
Hey sweetie, how was work today?
They're blowing stuff up outside my office. There was a loud whistle, and then the building would shake after they detonated the explosives.
Aw, that sounds kind of annoying. Was it hard to get any work done?
Well, yeah, it was kind of irritating, but I, um... made the most of it.
Wait a minute... did you sprint by the construction site yelling "Yabba dabba doo!" at all the workers?
Er... no?

 

by somnambulist
11-26-06
Always working, reaching out for a hand that we can't see...
Little does he know I'm only here to steal the donuts...
When we deceive one another, animal mother, she opens up for free...
Ma-ma!
It's so wonderful that I can breast feed in public now...
Frustration, at the station, there hides the cowboy...
I know it's been a month, but you're really starting to reach for these.
Yeah, but nobody's making new songs that are easy to mock this way.

 

by somnambulist
11-26-06
October
The student union did not agree to our proposal to give them $100,000 and a new position to alleviate some of the administrative burden they've been facing lately.
Wait, let me get this straight: not only did they pass on a pile of money, they also voted to make themselves do all of the work?
November
Well, the student union has now agreed to the same proposal that they originally rejected.
Again? Didn't they just go home and call you the next day saying they'd changed their minds last time?
December (projected)
They changed their minds again. Now they're demanding veto power over the Athletics Department... and a magical flying pony.
I'll go cancel the party balloons.

 

by somnambulist
11-29-06
Hey babe. Cooking up some trouble?
Oh, a friend of mine from KoL has this group who does RPG projects. We are trying to decide what would be only a partially funny name for some sort of flying spell.
How about "Spirit of the Bumblebee," or something about those monks who try to float in midair using nothing but the power of their own minds?
Well, I don't think they actually can do it, so we'd have to call it something like "Divinity of the Butt Hoppers."
Oooh... I'd cast that.
I think I've got it... "Essence of Half Assed Levitation!"

 

by somnambulist
11-30-06
You know, I was thinking that maybe I should start my own business.
Well, you do have a Master's degree in finance. Is there anything you think you'd have a pretty good aptitude for?
Well, I had an idea to open my own pastry chain that would compete with Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme.
Yeah, but don't you believe that bagels are the handiwork of Lucifer himself?
Well, mostly, I already had the name picked out: "Not Another Donut Shop!" -- but then I realized what the acronym would be.
Damn it! I always walk right into the dick jokes!

 

by somnambulist
12-02-06
Hi, and welcome to "Not Another Donut Shop!" How can I help you today?
Wow, Steve went ahead and opened the chain anyway?
Oh, no, he patented the idea and sold it to manufacturers of Goya Foods.
Aren't you worried that your name could potentially sour people on eating here?
No, because who wouldn't want a tasty nibble from the N.A.D.S. nearest to them?
Beats me... but I sure don't want to find out exactly what you put in your Munchkins.

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Hey, are you Steve? I was told to give you this huge box containing every dollar of student fundraising money that we collected this semester.
Um... I said to bring one small deposit, so I could show you how to fill out the proper forms, before bringing everything to the cashier's window.
Oh. Well, this box contains over 16 thousand dollars, most of it in cash. And most of that cash is $1 bills.
And the first thing you did with it was to bring all of it at once to a small administrative office that doesn't even have a safe?
Yes. Also, instead of verifying the contents before I give it to you, I'm just going to put it on your desk and leave. I figure you'll take care of it somehow.
Hm... my boss isn't in today... I wonder if he'd be mad if I took this box, flew to Vegas, and just went crazy...

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
So where have you been lately? I want to star in more wacky adventures!
Sadly, it's just little stuff. Crazy hours at work, holiday shopping, had a visitor staying with me for a few days...
Oh, come on, your life can't be this unfunny for this long. Surely you must have wacky witticisms to share with everyone!
Not really. I've just had something on my mind that's keeping me from flexing my funny muscles, that's all.
You're going to go talk to Katrina about some new girl, aren't you?
Is it always this obvious?

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Hey Matt, have you seen Katrina around anywhere?
Um... who the hell is Katrina?
Well I just wanted to get her opinion about this girl I like that I met recently. I'm worried it might be a bad idea.
Uh... pretty much every girl you've ever been at all attracted to has been a bad idea.
Well this one's amidst a divorce, not really looking for anyone (or so she says), and oh yeah, she out and out has admitted that she is, honest to God, somewhat crazy-in-the-brain.
Hey, look on the bright side. At least this time you got a warning... and for you, it's sort of like you scored a romantic hat trick!

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Katrina! There you are. I've been trying to get ahold of you all day on your IM.
Oh. Well I've been studying for my finals. And I made up an "American Gladiators" course in the back yard for my kids to play in.
That's... different. Anyway, I wanted to ask you about this girl I met. I sort of have conflicting and complicated thoughts about her.
Wait, which one is this, the evil lawyer, the evil waitress, the evil art gallery owner, or the evil space librarian?
No, a different one. Dammit, how are you going to make insightful and witty comments about my latest emotional distress if you don't know what I'm talking about?
Well, I guess I can come up with some stock quotations, or something...

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Well, here's the thing. I want to say something to her, but she seems very sweet and is upset about hurting the last guy who really liked her.
Well who's to say that she'd have to hurt you too?
Well, that's what they all usually do, I've just started to assume it's the inevitable result every time anything like this happens.
Oh, come on, stop being so negative. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day! Well, unless it's one of those digital ones that still advances when it's blinking...
I just wish I could figure out if her recent tendency to hide details about herself is because she's afraid I won't like her, or if it's because she's afraid I will.
You do know she's just a girl, not a frickin' Rubik's Cube, right?

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Anyway, the bottom line is this: she has a strong emotional pull on me, but I don't want to lose yet another person from my life.
Well then maybe you shouldn't be making comics about her... hey, wait a minute, did you just, er... transmogrify?
Oh, yeah. I thought I'd need different Steve-art to better animate a point, or something.
OK. But you sort of look like you're going to flash me.
Hey, the costume changes are just her ADD rubbing off on me! I tend to adapt some of the characteristics of people I spend a lot of time around...
Well, maybe when I talk to you from now on, I'll speak in a funny accent, to see if you start doing it too.

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Shit, it would suck if this girl reads my comics. I forget if I ever showed it to her or not, but Dev's a mutual friend of ours, and she reads them.
I don't suppose there's a "mark as private" button for cheap freeloaders such as yourself?
Oh, fuck it. Even I don't know what the hell I'm thinking anymore. And speaking of Dev, I wonder where she's been lately...
Who the hell is this Dev person? Damn Steve and his crazy splicing of reality and fantasy!
You are fighting a Fallen Archfiend.
Look, we can fight or we can fuck, but you've seriously got to make up your mind about it. It's my poker night in a couple hours!
Hold on, I have this sense that I might be needed to help solve a complex moral dilemma. Maybe there'll even be coookies!

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Meanwhile...
( ( WORMHOLE ESTABLISHED ) )
Wheeee! I finally managed to fix my interdimensional time defibrillator! Or at least I think it should work now...
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/349249
Hey, this all seems oddly* familiar...
OK, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that you're Dev, but if that's the case, where'd Steve end up?
Damn, I lost her. Oh well... I don't suppose you'd be up for a game of Texas Hold 'Em?
Nah, I figure I'll just phone in the rest of this whole dumb continuity saga just to get it over with...

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
Well, I'm not sure how I wound up here, but it's nice not to be fighting monsters for a bit.
You must be Dev. I'm Katrina. Steve was just telling me about the girl who makes his nerdly heart go all aflutter.
Yeah, I know her, she's really cool. Everyone thinks she's super spiffy.
And by 'everyone,' do you mean, 'the people from the 1930's who would talk like that?'
Har har. Although in retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have encouraged him, because these things just never seem to end well for him, do they?
No. I'd say be like Switzerland, but then he'd probably die in some sort of freak avalanche.

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
OK, I never like how the Continuity Saga stuff turns out, so I'm just going to level with you.
I was talking to a girl online for a long time. And I wasn't really interested in her at all. Hell, I didn't even think it was possible that I even could be.
Long story short, she actually flew out and visited me over my birthday. It was awesome. And no, there was no funny business or anything like that.
It defies all logic and doesn't make a bit of sense and is a terrible idea and I know I'm being a complete moron, yet I can't seem to stop myself.
And maybe I just see what I want to see, because all I want is to get to be with a good person and not end up still single and bitter when I'm 37.
No, there's no punchline. Try not to be a jackass and give me two stars or anything... it's been a long week.

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
I still want to know where Steve went...
Actually, he seems to be just fine, aside from that goofy haircut.
Yes, I know, my stylist accidentally turned me emo... again. Can't we all just go get some ice cream? I'm tired and hungry!
That sounds good, but only if it's the kind that bends space and time.
Hey, Steve, could you tell your fictional comic girlfriend to stop messing with the laws of the known universe? Some poor bastard is going to end up with two heads or something...

 

by somnambulist
12-14-06
This is William Winkendale, reporting live with agent Scott Boras, who just signed J.D. Drew and Daisuke Matsuzaka with the Red Sox.
Thanks, Wink, it's good to be here.
Scott, legions of fans want to know: how do you sleep at night?
In a coffin, naked, covered in money.
Well we all knew that, but I think what they mean is, how do you live with yourself?
Well, I'm the only person I think is worth sleeping with. The only problem is that I have to pay myself $132 million over six years to do it.

 

by somnambulist
12-15-06
Hi, I'm calling to let you know that one of the people who works in your division took on contract work in another office without approval.
So? Why are you telling me this? I'm not responsible for any of my people. It's your problem!
Actually, no, I just found out about it today. He and the person who hired him signed their own agreement without talking to anyone in HR first.
I still don't see why this has anything at all to do with me.
Well, it's unethical, possibly illegal, and could be a conflict of interest. It's not that he can't do it, but he needs to talk to HR to follow the right procedure.
How about if he just submits receipts for his personal purchases and pretends they're reimbursements for office supplies?

 

by somnambulist
12-18-06
I was just thinking about how the Cincinnati baseball team used to be nicknamed "The Big Red Machine."
Oh?
Yeah, and I was also thinking about how the Red Sox just signed Daisuke Matsuzaka.
OK... but I'm not sure what those things have to do with each other.
Well, I was kind of hoping he'd get the same nickname, and then transform into a giant robot and crush George Steinbrenner under his huge metal feet.
OK, you've been getting drunk and watching bad anime again, haven't you?

 

by somnambulist
12-18-06
Banana Republic...
All shall bow before the awesome might of Zucchini Confederacy!
I gave my left eye stem for this place!
Mattress Giant...
I can't believe the great deals Box Spring Midget has!
I know! No more wear and tear for my calculus textbooks!
Build-a-Bear Workshop...
Yo, is this that new Boink-a-Bitch Whorehouse that I saw an ad for in the Boston Globe?
God damn it, I've really got to start reading the job descriptions before I sign employment contracts...

 

by somnambulist
12-19-06
Jeez, Steve, you look terrible. What happened to you?
I stayed up on the phone with that girl that I like until well after 2 A.M. instead of rolling over and going to sleep...
So basically you spent the night in bed with a girl, but didn't get anything for your trouble?
Yeah, basically. Hell, I chickened out and didn't say anything, either. So I sent Jack Bauer over to her house to help get me a little, um... "intel."
7:43 PM (beep, boop, beep, boop...)
No, I swear, I don't have any evil plans to make him oversleep! I was just a little hyper! I'm a night owl! No, really, honest!
We both know that's not true. Now ...WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?

 

by somnambulist
12-28-06
Hey, is that the PGA Tour 2006 video golf game that your dad gave you for your birthday?
Yeah. It's so damn addicting! Sure, I can't make any female characters who don't look like transsexuals, but I still haven't been able to stop playing this thing for days.
Perhaps it's the transcendental laziness involved in combining such highly strenuous activities as golf and video games?
Nah, they just have an incredible level of detail. See this guy here? It's Colin Montgomerie. With his real-life beer gut and everything!
Um... why are you getting excited about the pixellated beer gut of Colin Montgomerie?
...because I can!

 

by somnambulist
1-04-07
Not only did I type up a huge report at work, but my boss actually read it and agrees with almost every one of its recommendations.
...then why does it sound like you're complaining?
Well, for the last 6 months, he has been very passive about how he handles things. The inconsistency is a bit worrisome.
So when you get what you actually wanted, you're an even bigger ball of crazy than usual?
Well, I've become conditioned to constantly look over my shoulder to make nobody is just about to stab me in the back...
Bummer. Hey, if and when all that happens, can I have your stuff?

 

by somnambulist
1-05-07
The president of the student body gave a speech that condemned "beer gardens" as "too reminiscent of segregation." Now, normally I'm not Mr. Sensitivity about this stuff, but...
Christ almighty! What the hell were they thinking?
Well, given that one of the deans and my boss are both black - and help set the policy! - my guess is that no matter what it was, they sure weren't thinking very hard.
And she didn't get any sort of official reprimand for not being all politically correct on a hyper- liberal campus?
Nope! But, maybe I could send an anonymous letter to the school paper comparing the Democrats' tax policies to the Holocaust?
I know you wouldn't really do that, but you're forgetting the audience. You'd have to call George W. Bush a Nazi rapist before they'd pay any attention.

 

by somnambulist
1-06-07
So I finally went out with that girl I met the other night.
How'd that end up turning out?
My fly was down. She pointed it out to me... I tried to save it by telling her I thought she would be curious if the carpet matched the drapes.
Well, at least you didn't call it a scratching post. So what happened?
She said "I bet they do," so I replied, "Good guess, but I just had hardwood floors installed!"
Damn it, now I don't know whether I should tell you I really didn't need to know that, or ask if she actually liked it.

 

by somnambulist
2-05-07
o/~ 'cuz I'm a red hat linux terrorista, an' I don't want yo' windows vista... o/~
?
o/~ ...an' I'll chmod yo' little sista... o/~
Um... sweetie?
Yes, I found your copy of Guitar Hero. Why do you ask?
Well, for starters, I don't own a copy. Plus, that looks suspiciously like Mega Man 6.

 

by somnambulist
2-20-07
Hey man, I thought of the perfect name if you ever decided to start a band.
Oh, crap...
"Cock of the Walk!"
I'm sure I'll regret asking, but... why the hell would we call ourselves that?
Because when you come out on stage you can shout at the audience, "Is anybody ready for some Cock?"
At least I'd have the best groupies ever!

 

by somnambulist
2-27-07
I've found an easy way to sum up the difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals.
And what, pray tell, might that be?
It's that there's a very simple way for someone to figure out whether they're gay or straight...
Which is?
Figuring out if they prefer the taste of blood or semen?
Hey, I said I was sorry about that!

 

by somnambulist
2-27-07
"Study: College Students Narcissistic"
Hey you, what's the latest on MSNBC?
The same thing I told my boss eight months ago, which is the same thing a conference told me three weeks ago.
"Meetings Make Us Dumber"
Didn't Scott Adams already publish that theory years ago?
Yep, pretty soon he'll be as revered as Einstein was when everyone figured out that relativity turned out to be true...
"Vitamins A, C, and E don’t help you live longer"
So what is it that they actually do, kill you faster?
I don't know. I was trying to think of a joke about that Ace of Base song, but I couldn't come up with anything good.

 

by somnambulist
2-28-07
I've decided to run for President of the United States!
I didn't think you're old enough yet. And why do you want to run, anyway?
I want my own cool Secret Service code name, like "Zeus." Or maybe "Mr. Belvedere."
You'd better not tell them to make me "Punky Brewster."
Nah, you're gonna be "Mrs. Claus."
Can't we just conquer a small island nation that nobody cares about instead?

 

by somnambulist
2-28-07
Dang it, my closet needs cleaned.
Look out! There's a grammar virus that needs cured!
Steve, can you help me for a minute? My jar of pickles needs opened.
Oh, the horror! I'm having flashbacks to my childhood... for the love of God, someone please make it stop!
Damn it, people! Conflating gerunds with the past participle makes the baby Jesus poop himself!
Sweetie, if he's the baby Jesus, isn't he probably already pooping himself?

 

by somnambulist
3-03-07
"U.S. to charge ex-kangaroo skinner for aiding Taliban"
I didn't know that kangaroo skin was an essential part for making IED's...?
It's not. Some idiot passed a law that lets the American Idol vote determine our foreign policy.
"U.S. faults friends, foes in drug war"
So is there anyone else left that they aren't blaming?
Themselves?
"Dog with college degree called to court"
Hey, I think that's my last girlfriend. They must have needed an expert woofness!
OK, that was bad. Now you're just reaching for them.

 

by somnambulist
3-08-07
What can I say? I just love spunk!
...eh?
Scrubs will be right back after these brief messages.
That was weird. I can't say I've ever had the urge to try any, myself...
I'm pretty sure he meant sassiness, not semen.
Ah, got it. I was sort of wondering when they made Dr. Kelso gay.

 

by somnambulist
3-10-07
I broke down and bought myself a few Powerball tickets tonight.
You did major in math, right? You have better odds of getting struck by lightning than you do of winning. Especially since you golf so much.
Yeah, but what if I have the ability to manipulate space and time on the quantum level by making the same "poo face" that the Japanese guy does on Heroes?
I doubt it, but if it's true, maybe you will get to have sex with Black God like Sarah Silverman?
Meanwhile, inside my own head...
Perhaps if God is a woman, she'll make me win the jackpot so Allison's suggestion in panel 2 never transpires!
Either I become a multi-millionaire, or, worst-case scenario, I lose and make a comic about my torrid love affair with God.

 

by somnambulist
3-11-07
Dammit, it's got to be around here somewhere...
Can I help you with something?
Yeah, I was looking for my Powerball winnings. I figured God wasn't going to be keen on having sex with me, so I'm a bit... perplexed as to why I didn't win.
Well, for starters, that's not the way divine intervention works. Plus, I have a thing for pale, undersexed nerds.
How about if you make it so I win the next jackpot, we can be friends... with benefits?
I'll have to think on it. After all, you'd look pretty silly impregnated with my kid before the Second Coming.

 

by somnambulist
3-11-07
Wait a minute. If you're a woman, what was the deal with the whole Virgin Mary thing?
You'd be amazed what's possible with just a toy chemistry set. Oh, and omnipotence. That helped too.
Omni-potence, I see. Hey, could you do me a favor and inseminate my kid sister with some sort of interstellar space octopus?
Well, I was going to bring peace to the Middle East, but what the hell, that sounds like fun too.
Somehow I doubt even your powers extend that far.
Yeah, you got me. Sometimes I just like to fuck with people. Haven't you ever read all those old Bible stories?

Showing page 4.

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