All comics by fpd

Profile

 

by fpd
2-01-04
Ha, ha! I have killed Hitler, and now I shall rule Germany!
Good job, White Skull. Your pal Luther sends his regards.
What do you know about Luther, Amerikan Schweinhund?
He has a present for you. Let me pull the pin out first.
Arrgh!

 

by fpd
2-01-04
I don't care if Japan wants to surrender. America needs a demonstration of its power. So don't fail me, or else.
You got it, boss.
So that's the mission the President has planned for you, Flaming Homo.
Sorry, but I can't. American Cigarettes doesn't want their product tarnished by association with such large scale deaths.
Tobor can do it, sir.
All right, then. Your targets are the Japanese cities Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

 

by fpd
2-01-04
After Tobor bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the demand for robots plummeted.
How would you like to buy a nice robot, ma'am?
Are you kidding me? Robots are horrible, death machines!
Radiation from the bombs mutated local wildlife into horrible giants.
Bzzzzzz!
Rarrh!
And Tobor was so traumatized by what he had done, that he began a horrible rampage that has lasted til this day.
Tobor cornhole!
Oh no! I'm frozen in terror!

 

by fpd
2-01-04
I was a poor citizen of Iraq, formerly led by an oppressive panty-smear named Saddam Hussein.
Hey Satan, let's fuck!
Not now, Saddam. All our fucking has put me behind schedule on my torturing.
Iraq was full of oil, but George W. Bush, president of the United States, coveted that oil.
Yeehah! I'm going to become oil baron of the world! And I'm going to get Saddam!
Is that a quote, Mr. President?
So, the USA, with its vastly more powerful force, bombed the crap out of us. Our borders became like sieves and violent ass-piles from all over the world moved in blowing up everything.
This is not what I had planned. What will we do now?
Let Akbar rule. His niece gave good head in Houston.

 

by fpd
2-01-04
The worst of the violent ass-piles have been the Kurds. They want a guarantee of political autonomy. So I let them have it.
Being bombed is not what we expected when you said you would let us have it.
Yeah, we thought you were going to let us have our political autonomy.
I then built armies of robots to drive out the Yankees and other foreigners.
I, WATER COOLER ROBOT, HATE ALL HUMANS!
No, no. You're just supposed to hate anyone who doesn't accept me as unconditional ruler of Iraq.
Since then, things have been worse than ever. Human-hating robots terrorize Iraq, and they have all the oil they want.
DEATH TO ALL FLESHLINGS!
IRAQ SHALL NOW BE CALLED ROBOTOPIA!

 

by fpd
2-02-04
Back before I came to rule the Inferno, it was ruled by a vain fellow named Satan.
I'm better than everyone else, and I'll prove it by inflicting as much pain as possible.
No more! Please, no more!
Although Satan inflicted great pain, the Inferno was also rich with orgasms.
Oh yes! Oh yes! Ooh! Aah! Oh, the pain! Aagh!
Ha, ha, ha!
Orgasms were the only physical pleasure allowed. All else was agony.
By keeping the memory of pleasure fresh, I keep the pain at an agonizing peak.
And the hope for orgasmic pleasure discourages souls from going numb to the pain.

 

by fpd
2-02-04
The orgasmic wealth of the Inferno stirred discontent in the Underworld.
If only we could have orgasms too, Lord of the Flies.
With my armies of the undead, we shall raid the Inferno.
Beelzebub, lord of the Underworld, also had a personal reason for invading the Inferno.
Satan thinks he's better than me, does he? Well, I'll show him!
So Beelzebub brought together ghosts and ghouls to invade the Inferno.
Wahoo! We're going to get the orgasms!
Orgasms, must have orgasms.

 

by fpd
2-02-04
Beelzebub's armies hit the Inferno with laxative bombs.
Woo hoo! We're going to bomb the crap out of you suckers!
As if the afterlife wasn't already hell.
All the crapping interrupted many orgasms.
Oh no, how can I have my orgasm when my partner is crapping. Oh the pain. Aaaghh!
The Inferno became a sticky and slipperly place, and the ghosts and ghouls easily overwhelmed the devils.
Woo hoo hoo! We're going to get you.
I'm not cleaning up this mess. I'm outta here.

 

by fpd
2-02-04
After Beelzebub conquered the Inferno, it was no longer as inhospitable as it used to be.
Ooh! Orgasms are nice.
And it's so nice to enjoy orgasms without the pain.
But this attracted lots of the wrong kind of folk to the Inferno.
Let's go off to the Inferno and torture up some folks.
Sounds like fun! Let's go!
Beelzebub didn't like this one bit.
I didn't carry out Operation: Inferno Freedom just to let sadists wreck our hedonistic revelling.
Pluto may know what to do. His neice gave real good head back at our corporate headquarters in Hell.

 

by fpd
2-02-04
This is where I come in.
I want you guys to build a wide river all around the Inferno. We'll call it Styx.
Sure thing, boss.
I made passage to the Inferno possible only through a high-priced ferry.
I'd like to go to the Inferno.
That will be $1,000 please.
Things are much better now. The Inferno became a high-class pleasure resort for the dead, and I married my neice.
Ah, my lovely Persephone, they were right. You do give good head.
Yeah, but I'm off to visit mother now. See you later, Pluto.

 

by fpd
2-02-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
I was busy getting stoned.
If you tell your boss you just went to an abstract art exhibit, he'll think you're really irresponsible.
You're right. But he thinks drugs are cool. So I'll tell him I got stoned.

 

by fpd
2-05-04
Rich heiress Toni Starch was a total lush.
Wow, you are the best looking guy I've even been with.
Oh boy, I'm finally going to get laid.
But when her drinking damaged her liver, she used her scientific genius to build a suit of armor that would function as an artificial liver.
I am so smart! Now I don't have to give up drinking!
This suit of armor also give her super strength, the ability to fly, and other powers. With it, she became the superheroine Iron Maiden.
Halt, thug, or *hic* face the fury of Iron Maiden.
But they were mugging me.

 

by fpd
2-05-04
Halt fiends, or face the might and fury of Babyman ...
and the Fairy!
Ha, ha! Ho, ho! What do we have to fear from you little pipsqueaks?
Indeed! Why don't you little tykes run along while we conduct our big grown up crimes?
The crooks aren't taking us seriously, Jan. What should we do?
Let's form a superhero group.

 

by fpd
2-06-04
1.
Hey, I think you'd look even sexier in a mini-skirt.
2.
You look like you're just my type. How about a little hanky-spanky?
3.
Pull up that skirt, and I'll give you the best head you've ever had.

 

by fpd
2-06-04
1.
Do as I tell you! I'm the one who wears the pants in this family.
2.
That's such a lovely dress. You must tell me where I can get one just like it.
3.
Wanna go out on a date?
Sorry, I don't date other women.

 

by fpd
2-07-04
I'm speaking with the new superhero Donner. Rumor has it that you're a god. Is this true?
Ya, I'm the German god of thunder.
So, whenever we hear the crack of thunder, that's you up in the sky making a ruckus?
Sometimes, but I normally delegate the work.
Given that lightning strikes before thunder can be heard, why do you bother with the thunder?
Wouldst thou watch a movie with no soundtrack? Thunder is the soundtrack that makes lightning so exciting.

 

by fpd
2-07-04
Donner, many people say there is only one god, God with a capital G. What do you have to say about this?
In German, we capitalize all nouns. Ich bin ein Gott mit ein kapital G.
Yes, but what of the claim that there is only one God? Are you saying that you're Him.
Nein. There are many gods. There are German gods, Norse gods, Greek gods, American gods, African gods, und so on.
That's quite a panoply of gods. Why don't we see more of them these days?
We were attracting increasing hoards of sycophants und paparazzi. So being worshipped was losing its pizazz.

 

by fpd
2-07-04
Donner, you say there are many gods. What about the God of the Bible? What can you tell us of Him?
We gods have been entertaining ourselves with a game called Meme Wars, and he's the reigning champion.
Meme Wars? What kind of game is that?
It's sort of like writing computer viruses that battle each other.
So you gods are a bunch of computer geeks?
I wouldn't put it that way.

 

by fpd
2-07-04
Donner, Bulk, and Iron Maiden, welcome to the first meeting of the Revengers. I'm your leader, Babyman, and this is my lovely wife, the Fairy.
From this day forward, the name of the Revengers will be feared by supervillains the world over.
To think, I have to spend time with these losers for blabbing about Meme Wars.
Bulk like Donner's butt.
Ooh, that Bulk is such a hunk.

 

by fpd
2-11-04
What's with the earring and the new clothes? They make you look really gay.
I'm not gay. I'm a metrosexual.
What's that?
A metrosexual is a straight man who can appreciate gay culture.
Later.
Wow, those lesbians at the Most Erotic Teens website are so hot. I am such a metrosexual!

 

by fpd
2-11-04
If you know of lesbians only from websites and magazines, you may think they're as hot as straight women.
But in real life, lesbians are the most unkempt, unfashionable, unattractive people you can find without a Y chromosome.
So, on our new TV show, Straight Eye for the Queer Girl, we're going to do something about that.
Yes, we will use our straight eyes to help queer girls learn something about fashion, makeup, hair, and clothes. In no time flat, we'll have them looking as good as straight women.
So let's begin with our first real-life lesbian, Patricia from Boston.
You can just call me Pat.

 

by fpd
2-13-04
Remember, this is our little secret.
You're even better at this than your mother.
Good boy.

 

by fpd
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
Oh Johnny, I have loved you from afar for oh so long. Now, at last, we can be together.
I sure hope you're a shape-shifting alien, because I would look like such a geek if anyone saw me dating a girl who looks like you.

 

by fpd
2-17-04
You helped me realize something important tonight. I'm really a lesbian.
Thanks for helping me realize that becoming a nun won't be the sacrifice I thought it would be.
Wow, straight sex is so much better than taking it up the butt in a bathhouse! To think what I've been missing all these years!

 

by fpd
2-18-04
Please bend over now, so that I can take your stool sample.
Doctor, I must tell you, you're who I'm gay for today.
Jim, come over to my stall. I have a special treat for you.
Don't give me any of your shit, man.
No, my shit's not the treat. I have to tell you, you're who I'm gay for today.
Stay the hell away from me, man.

 

by fpd
2-19-04
Here's my idea for the new WB show. We'll have the most popular actors from our cancelled sci-fi and fantasy shows live in the same house.
That's wonderful, doc. We get the star appeal without paying for scripts or special effects, and we don't have to pay the actors as much either.
Welcome to the Unreeled Life. We fired them from the shows you loved and put them all in the same house.
Hi, I'm David Boreanaz.
And I'm Julie Benz.
Join us, along with James Marsters, Travis Fimmel, Sarah Wayne Callies, Ashley Scott, Dina Meyer, Shannen Doherty, Julian McMahon ...
Jason Behr, Shiri Appleby, Kristen Kreuk, Michael Rosenbaum, and Tom Welling -- all on the Unreeled Life.

 

by fpd
2-19-04
Hey Clark, what's up?
I just met the most amazing girl, Pete. Her name is Linda, and she is so super.
You met her last season on Smallville.
Linda, I've never met anyone like you. I think I'm falling for you.
I'm sorry Clark, but we can never be together in that way, for I am your cousin.
Now see her in her new show, Midvale, with Helen Slater as her foster mother, Mrs. Danvers.
What's wrong, Linda? Why are you so unhappy?
My parents and my boyfriend perished with Argo City.

 

by fpd
2-20-04
Mummy, can I have some pancakes?
We have to wait for Daddy sweetheart. He will be home any minute.
3 Hours Later
Where's Daddy? I want pancakes!
Where the hell is he?
Daddy, you're home! Where have you been?
I was out getting stoned, because I'm giving up drugs for Lent.

 

by fpd
2-21-04
Mummy, can I have some pancakes?
We have to wait for Daddy sweetheart. He will be home any minute.
3 Hours Later
Where's Daddy? I want pancakes!
Where the hell is he?
Where else but New Orleans, where Shrove Tuesday is better known as Mardi Gras.
Wow, this is so much better than eating pancakes!
You used to spend Mardi Gras eating pancakes?! That is so funny!

 

by fpd
2-21-04
Mummy, can I have some pancakes?
We have to wait for Daddy sweetheart. He will be home any minute.
3 Hours Later
Where's Daddy? I want pancakes!
Where the hell is he?
Meanwhile, in Rio de Janeiro.
Eurydice, you are the woman for me. My wife has grown fat eating pancakes. Leave that fool Orpheus and be mine.
I will never be yours, you bloody limey. My heart belongs to Orpheus.

 

by fpd
2-26-04
In the Kittias, the Phellenic philosopher Gato tells of the island of Catlantis. It was founded by the god Pusseidon and the mortal queen Cato.
Ah, Cato, you have borne me a litter of ten sons. All shall be kings.
Catlantis shall be the greatest kingdom in the world, father.
Ever ruled by ten tomcat kings, Catlantis remained great for centuries. But as the divine blood became more diluted, Catlantis fell into corruption.
Hey bigboy, I'm in heat. Want to party? Got any catnip?
I got lots of catnip, doll. If you're real nice to me, I'll let you have some.
While at war with the city of Cathens, Catlantis was swallowed up by the ocean in a single day.
Hey, we have immigration laws, buster. You cats can't just pour into our country like this.
Quick! What is your secret for breathing underwater?

 

by fpd
2-26-04
In the Seacat Doctrine, Madame Selina Petrovna Blakatsky claims that the 3rd great race lived in Lemiouia, also known as Mew.
The ancient Lemiouians were a hermaphroditic race that communicated by telepathy.
I'm sure glad you're not a hermaphrodite, babe. And am I ever glad you're not telepathic.
The downfall of Lemiouia came after they discovered sex.
How could you get me pregnant? I thought you were neutered.
Hey, I would never neuter little tom. I thought you were spayed.
At the peak of sexual perversion, volcanos and earthquakes plunged Lemiouia into the ocean.
Ignatz must really love me. He has never hit me harder with a brick.
That wasn't me, Krazy. That rock flew from the volcano.

 

by fpd
2-26-04
When they were young, all was bliss between Heathcliff and Cathy.
I love you, Cathy. You will always be my queen.
And I love you Heathcliff. There is no one else like you.
But one fateful night, Heathcliff overhead part of a conversation.
Oh, Electra, Linton has asked me to marry him. He is handsome and rich, and I think I shall be happy with him.
Heathcliff was so upset, he went to drown himself in liquor at the local pub. But he had to settle for water when he fell off a cliff. Meanwhile ...
I would rather go to hell with Heathcliff than to heaven with Linton. The truth is, Electra, I am Heathcliff.
All the men I've been with are S.O.B.s, Miss Cathy, but maybe it's just me.

 

by fpd
10-28-04
By George, my good man, I wish to enjoy congress with a most liberal lady of the night.
Kerry is the most liberal ho in all of D.C. You'll enjoy sliding your dick in her bush.
Let us get into bed with each other, Kerry. I so look forward to flip-flopping around with you.
For the money you're paying me, I'd even let you put that chainy up my ass, and I'd cry "Hee Haw!" like a donkey.
Come back anytime, Mr. Moneybags. I love a john who's hung like an elephant, and I like your money too.
And I loved how liberal you were with me. I hope you and your oily bush will service my special interests for years to come.

 

by fpd
10-28-04
It is driving me bonkers! That son of ours plays nothing but Marilyn Manson day and night.
Tell me about it! It is complete and utter noise pollution. There should be a law against calling it music!
That's right. Marilyn Manson's music is utter dreck! We guarantee that your parents will hate it, or your money back!
And that is the best reason of all for buying Marilyn Manson's latest CD, Lest We Forget.
It's all part of the time-honored tradition of rebelling against your parents! Your grandparents were rebels for listening to the Beatles!
And your parents were rebels for listening to Kiss! Don't you want to be a rebel too? Be a rebel. Buy Marilyn Manson.

 

by fpd
10-29-04
Medea, you have been a great wife. Without you, I would have never made it back with the Golden Fleece.
You know I'd do anything for you, dear Jason. You are my world. I love you with all my heart, mind, and soul.
I'm so glad you feel that way, because there is something else I would like you to do for me.
Just name it, dear heart. I killed my own brothers to help you escape with the Golden Fleece! What wouldn't I do for you?
I have this plum opportunity to marry the princess Glauce, but you and our kids will have to leave Corinth forever.
In Hera's name, no! After all I've done for you, you cast me aside! The furies are too good for you, Jason. The furies are too good for you!

 

by fpd
10-31-04
Mom, I'm so happy! I have a new boyfriend!
That's wonderful, honey. What's he like?
Oh, he's a bit neurotic maybe, but he's also very funny and has been very successful in Hollywood.
I'm very happy for you. He sounds a lot like your father.
Now, Mom, you know that Woody is not really my dad. You're the one who adopted me, and you never even married him. So it's not like this is incest or adultery.
What are you, Soon-Yi, the spawn of the devil? Only Rosemary's baby could hurt her mother so!

 

by fpd
10-31-04
Knock, knock.
Whoooo's there?
Boo!
Boo whooooooo?
Why are you crying?
I miss my mummy.

 

by fpd
11-05-04
How do you plan to finance your campaign for the Whitehouse?
Sucky, sucky, five dollah.
How do you answer the concern that the Patriot Act erodes the rights and freedoms granted to us by the Constitution?
TOBOR CORNHOLE CONSTITUTION!!!
If elected, Water Cooler Robot, what will you make the most important task of your presidency?
HUMAN OVERPOPULATION IS THE GRAVEST THREAT TO THE WORLD. I WILL NOT RELENT UNTIL I ERADICATE THE HUMAN PROBLEM.

 

by fpd
11-07-04
I M GOIN 2 RAPP U!!!111
Oh no!
i wood knot half it any utter weigh. rapping muss bee unconsenshal.
No, it's not that. I was just regretting that the folks at stripcreator can't watch us doin' it, 'cause these are the only images of us available.
Tune in next week when...
MAAK KNOTTY PITCHERS OFF US, BRAD, OR I M GOIN 2 RAPP U 2!!!
Ha, Ha! You can't touch me, ****. I programmed stripcreator to always keep characters on opposite sides of the panel.

 

by fpd
11-13-04
I'm a Knight, and things couldn't be going better for me. I'm off to marry the princess I just rescued from the dragon.
In case you haven't noticed, Mr. bigshot knight, I'm a mare, not a stallion. When you mounted me, I thought it meant something.
Lo, day has turned to night. What ill omen does this forebode?
You can forget all about your princess, because we're getting married.
Are you kidding me? I'm not going to marry some ugly horse! I have standards!
Weren't you paying attention? The minister just pronounced us knight and mare. Now it's time to pucker up and kiss your bride!

 

by fpd
11-14-04
What happened? Where am I?
You washed ashore on Paradise Island, and you are the first man any of us amazons have seen for hundreds of years.
I'm the only man on an island full of females? Could things get any worse?
All of us are horny and sex-starved. We need you to service all of us.
This is truly hell, but at least with so many females here, I won't have to worry about preparing my own food, right?
No, no, cooking is men's work. Now that you're here, you can do all our cooking for us. And you can mow our lawns too.

 

by fpd
11-14-04
Congratulate me, Archie! I'm engaged!
You're engaged, Betty!? I thought you were crazy about me? Well, at least I still have Veronica.
Well, no. It's Veronica I'm engaged to. You turned us both gay, Archie.
You're kidding me, right? This has got to be the worst day of my life!
Cheer up, Archie. You turned me gay too, and with Betty and Veronica out of the picture, it's just you and the oh so handsome Reggie Mantle.
I can only hope that Moose has turned gay too, because if I can't have Betty or Veronica, I'm going to ask out Midge.

 

by fpd
11-14-04
What are those yellow hairs doing on your shirt, Archie? And why do you smell like Betty's perfume?
You didn't seriously think I was going to give up Betty when I married you, did you Ronnie?
But Betty is married to Reggie!
Yeah, you're both suckers! We married you for your money, and now we're going to win huge divorce settlements and marry each other.
But I thought you loved me for me, Archie, not for my money!
No way! You were always a bitch, and I just put up with you because you were rich. It was always Betty I really loved.

 

by fpd
11-14-04
Hey, Betty, today is your lucky day. Ron has proven herself unworthy of me, leaving me, the greatest guy alive, available for you.
Wow, you sure have a swell head, Reggie. Anyway, tell me what Veronica has done to make herself "unworthy" of you.
She showed supreme bad taste by eloping with Archie. They're married as I speak. It's really her loss, but it's your gain, baby.
No, it should have been me! ARCHIE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED ME!!!
Elizabeth Cooper, you're under arrest for the murders of Archie and Veronica Andrews. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
He said I was always #2. "Am I #2 now?" I said, as I snapped Ron's neck. He just looked at me so aghast. How could I have Archie hate me? Don't you see? I had to kill him too.

 

by fpd
11-14-04
Duh, what's with the funny hat, Midge?
It's a habit, Moose. I've become a nun.
A none? What's that?
It means I've become a bride of Jesus Christ.
Duh, can you tell me how to find Jesus? I just killed myself so I could go to heaven and beat the tar out of him.
Ha, ha, you just made a wrong turn, kid.

 

by fpd
11-14-04
I sure am a handome devil. I'd stare at myself all day if it weren't for my responsibility to share my greatness with the rest of the world.
Devil is right. You're as bad as the devil himself.
What happened to my handsome reflection?
I'm a reflection of your inner self, all corrupt and full of pride. Beneath that pretty surface, you're nothing but scum. Everyone hates you and you know it.
Hates me? They're just jealous. They know that Mantle is the man, and they just can't deal with it.
I'm the reflection of how others truly see you, Reggie. No one is jealous of you. They just see you as a ridiculously conceited buffoon. Ronnie, Betty, and Midge all just laugh at you.

 

by fpd
11-16-04
Hey, Sabrina, I want to rap with you about Jesus. Have you accepted him as your personal lord and savior?
Oh, the Lord and Lady are good enough for me, Archie.
Did I hear you say "Lady," Sabrina? Are you one of those Mary-worshipping Catholics?
No, Ronnie, I'm not a Catholic. If you must know, I'm a Wiccan.
Please, Sabrina, let me tell you how wonderful it is to be born again and what Jesus has done for me.
As the Bible says, "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." You must die to your old self and be born again, Sabrina.

 

by fpd
11-16-04
They said it couldn't be done. But I did it. I stitched together pieces of corpses and reanimated them.
Daddy.
Oh, what have I done? I have created an abomination of nature. I will run away and leave it on its own.
DONT U WUV ME, DADDY?
WONT U B MY FREIND LIL GURL? LETS U N I RAPP ABUTT LUV N FRIENSHIP.
No, you ugly freak, I hate you.

 

by fpd
11-16-04
You get away from my asian mail-order bride's beautiful little girl, you monster!
ALL I WUNTED WUZ 2 RAPP. IZ DAT SO RONG?
B MY FREN KIDD?
Get away from me, you monstrous freak! I am the little brother of boy genius Dilton Doily.
I believe you're innocent of my brother's murder, Midge, but no one would believe me if I told the truth.
But it was my fault. I was a negligent baby sitter. If I wasn't talking on the phone like a typical teenage girl, Willy Doily wouldn't have gone off on his own.

Showing page 6.

« Previous Next »