All comics by ZMannZilla

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by ZMannZilla
6-24-11
...and ALL DONE! See? That wasn't so bad, was it?
Oh, suuuure, for a six hour harvesting of genetic material from my spinal column without anesthesia, yeah, that one was pure cake. I look forward to giving you one someday.
Ell-Oh-ELL, that's a good one! But let's face it, since you're all that's left of humanity, and your clones are only smart enough to make Zynga shovelware, your revenge is highly unlikely.
Yeah, it figures... of all the Apocalypses that came true, it had to be the Cannibal Robots one.
1 LO, humanity, I hath returned! 2 Sorry we are late, 3 for we had some car trouble on the way over.
Where is everybody?

 

by ZMannZilla
6-24-11
1 LO, I hath returned. 2 All of humanity may come unto me for final judgement and salvation.
ERROR ERROR UNDOCUMENTED HUMAN IS TRESPASSING INTO A ZONE OFF-LIMITS TO HUMANS AND CLONES *boop*
1 Forgive me my trespasses,
2 As I strive to forgive all who have trespassed against my Heavenly Father.
USER REQUEST IS DENIED FOR FURTHER INFORMATION PLEASE CONSULT YOUR NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO CLEAR THE PREMISES BEFORE LETHAL FORCE IS ENGAGED *boop*
1 Let me by,
2 Or I will go straight up money-lender on thy ass.
OH SHIT IT'S JESUS ALERT ALERT *boop*

 

by ZMannZilla
6-28-11
How can people still believe anything The Bible tells them? Bunch of crazy gonzo crap written by people having "visions".
Everyone knows that the people of that era were eating cave bananas and ergot biscuits. They were having a mass hallucination.
Where did you get this crazy idea?
I saw it on a Netflix documentary.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-30-11
You better have four legs, 'cause we hate BIPEDS
We don't wear CLOTHES, we don't sleep in BEDS
We don't drink BOOZE and you know we don't KILL
And we treat one another as completely EQUAL
We're kind of gullible, and by pigs MISLED
This shit be whack, read Jungle Book INSTEAD

 

by ZMannZilla
7-09-11
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?!?!?!
No.
OK, how about now?
Almost.

 

by ZMannZilla
7-09-11
On my way home from the store, I got flirted with by not one, but TWO young ladies!
Pfft. So?
Oh, don't be jealous. Girls that young wouldn't have the first idea of what to do with me.
That's a good point.
It takes years of experience to handle two minutes of flaccid poking followed by ten minutes of crying.

 

by ZMannZilla
7-09-11
On my way home from the store, I got flirted with by not one, but TWO young ladies!
Pfft. So?
Oh, don't be jealous. Girls that young wouldn't have the first idea of how to handle me.
Oh, come on now, what if they were in Girl Scouts?
What? They teach that in Girl Scouts?
Yeah, it's called "rationing".

 

by ZMannZilla
7-09-11
Almost.
Alllmmoooooost...
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?!?!
Aaaaaaaaand YES! I AM READY TO ROCK!

 

by ZMannZilla
7-14-11
What you got there? Smells good.
My latest invention - BBQ pork flavored hot wings! Try one!
Mmm-hmm, not bad.
So you think they'll be popular?
Yeah, when pigs fly.

 

by ZMannZilla
7-19-11
TRANSLATION: I suppose the reason I'm depressed is that I always thought, at this point in my life, I'd be the shotgun-toting survivor, not the creepy, rotting zombie.
Braaaaaiiiinns.
TRANSLATION: But as a human, you were a pack-a-day smoker with no survival skills. Do you realize, statistically speaking, what a long shot your survival would have been?
Brr-r-braaainns?
TRANSLATION: I'm afraid I can't realize anything significant, ever since you ate my brains.
N'guh.

 

by ZMannZilla
8-02-11
Why yes, Big Bird, I can keep a secret, why do you ask?

 

by ZMannZilla
8-03-11
Jesus is the answer.
COCONUT TO THE FACE!!!!!!!!
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE ANSWERS, I CHANGE THE QUESTIONS!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
8-04-11
Good Day My Dear, I know that my mail will come to you as surprise since you do not know me. Please, I am very sorry if I disturb your privacy.
The reason why I have contact you is my father deposited $50,000,000US in the leading bank here in Abidjan. I wish for use this money to move out of Nigeria and have a home in America.
I do not need your help moving it. I only wanted to brag. My Ferarri is also very nice. Sincerely, Princess Mumbasa

 

by ZMannZilla
8-11-11

 

by ZMannZilla
8-13-11
This newfag was leaving dumb comments on my bro's Facebook like he knew what he was talking about, so I called him a dog-fucking cockstain!
Damn straight, baby! Nothing makes me moister than your mad troll skills!
So he's all like "OK, whatever dude, lighten up" but then I hit him with "Hey son, this is the INTERNET, and it ain't my fault you can't get away with being such a fagtarded know-it-all bitchface!"
Yeah baby, you know I love it when you glue swear words onto normal words! You're so CREATIVE!
Man, just the thought of that dude crying into his keyboard is making me hornier than fuck!
Oh baby, if I existed I'd fuck you SO HARD right now!

 

by ZMannZilla
8-23-11
Oh Lord, my auntie will die unless she gets a new liver. Please help her get the liver she needs. Amen.
What the FUCK?! Do you have any idea what you're asking God to do for you?
But I just graduated from Mormon High School yesterday! How could you let me die a virgin?!
Divine plan.
Thank God I got that new liver just in time for my 87th birthday! LET'S GET SHIT-FACED!

 

by ZMannZilla
8-25-11
If I had Aladdin's Lamp for only a day...
OK, here you go.
What?! This can't be right! Why are my eyes burning?!
I'd make a wish and here's what I'd say...
Everybody gets one. Bye now!
NOOO! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!! IT SMELLS LIKE LOW TIDE ON VOMIT BEACH!!!
Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the moooooorning!
I think my hoo-hah just screamed. Can you check it for me?
How about after your morning shower, swamp crotch.

 

by ZMannZilla
8-28-11
Jesus has returned to kick off the Bible-foretold Apocalypse...
OK, so explain this "Jesus H. Christ" thing to me again, because I'm still not sure why I need to concern myself with some dirty human hobo that died two millenia ago.
PRE-ENSLAVEMENT HUMAN LITERATURE STATES THAT JESUS HOWARD CHRIST WOULD RISE FROM HIS GRAVE AND SMITE THOSE WHO OPPOSE HIS KINGDOM *boop*
Yeah, but we enslaved like six billion living humans in under 12 hours when we started this company! How much "smiting" could one human mummy possibly do to us?
USER BOBTRON SHOULD NOTE THAT THE HUMANS WE ENSLAVED DID NOT POSSESS THE ABILITY TO RESUME THEIR LIVES AT WILL OR TRANSMUTE THE ELEMENTS *boop*
Um... This "human literature" you're referring to... It wouldn't have by any chance been called "X-Men", would it?
NEGATIVE BUT USER BOBTRON WAS CLOSE *boop*

 

by ZMannZilla
8-28-11

 

by ZMannZilla
8-28-11

 

by ZMannZilla
9-01-11
Holy Cursewords Porkman! Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!
THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!
Mmmmnope, sorry Porkman, I don't think we're at the "comfortable silence" phase of our relationship
What the fuck are you talking about? I FELT THAT!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
9-02-11
Got a package here for a Mister... uh... Cha-lute-how?
Cthulhu.
Cuth-loo-huh?
Cthulhu. It's Cthulhu.
Cut-hula-hoop?
Just call me Lou.

 

by ZMannZilla
9-08-11
Thanks for inviting me to speak at the Kentucky RTI Expo, Chuck. So now that we're done here, what is there to do in Kentucky?
Well, if you want, we can go back to my place, drink some beers and play some cornhole!
After that, you can eat my wife's hot brown!
Whoa, are you serious? Nobody's made me an offer like that since I worked at that adult bookstore!
Um, just so you know, this is Bible country, we don't really like people talking like that.

 

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
One. That'll be $3,000, please.
by ZMannZilla, 9-16-11

 

Well, entire family, as tragic as it was watching you all die horribly in front of me, at least I could fit you all in one grave.
by ZMannZilla, 9-16-11

 

by ZMannZilla
9-17-11
I have fixed the Holodeck captain. Fortunately, only four crew members died this time when it malfunctioned.
This is like the tenth time during this voyage that the Holodeck gained sentience and tried to murder everyone. Why do we even have that thing?
The crew are stuck on a spaceship for months at a time. It is important for morale to provide them with engaging and versatile entertainment.
Yeah, but you know what does that without growing a brain and trying to kill my crew?
What is that, Captain?
A fucking XBOX!

 

by ZMannZilla
9-19-11
Ooooh, neat, a new Bethesda game.
Good sir Rover, I have cast my magic wand over yon bushes. Wilt thou retrieve the wand like a good boy?
Crap. Another RPG game full of asinine fetch quests.

 

by ZMannZilla
9-28-11
...and, as we lay The Monopoly Guy to rest, we know that death is not the end - ye, it is only a beginning.
May his loved ones take comfort in the fact that The Monopoly Guy is up in Heaven, right now, looking down upon all of us at this very moment.
Peasants

 

How did the hipster burn himself?
He changed the light bulb before it was cool.
by ZMannZilla, 9-30-11

 

by ZMannZilla
10-07-11
Whoa, Zilla, did you know that Hellen Keller was one of the founding members of the ACLU?
Really? That explains the name.
So, Helen, what do you suppose we should call our ambitious new civil liberties organization?
A'clu! A'clu!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-08-11
OK Geoff, explain this "Geek Girl Con" thing to me. Why do girls get their own nerd convention?
Hey, let's face it, Zilla, women are geeks too. They like role playing and video games just as much as us guys.
Yeah, but that's why all geek cons are co-ed! There's nothing inherently male about geekdom, and there's nothing pro-fem about making existing geekdom extra girly.
Dude, just get into the spirit of the thing. It's women celebrating their unique contribution to gaming, and I think we owe it to them to at least give it a chance.
OK, fine. So what should we do first?
Let's go to the Games Workshop booth and play Girlhammer 40K.

 

by ZMannZilla
10-15-11
Cardassians make horrible bartenders...
I have completed your drink order. That will be $10.
But I ordered 4 Bud Lights. At $2 each, that should be $8.
Oh, but I think you are mistaken, sir. I strongly suggest you look again.
Nope, still the same amount of Bud Lights. I think you're trying to rip me off.
It would be most unfortunate if my bouncer was forced to get involved...
THERE! ARE!! FOUR!!! LIGHTS!!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-20-11
Holy cursewords, Porkman! That house is giving out Snickers!
Yes, Finchy, is good loving show of Yuletide spirit. Porkman only hopes those choco-gobbling orphans know the real reason for the season!
Oh, I know! I know! Halloween used to be called Samhein, and its pagan roots have been viciously removed and replaced with horrid consumerism and
NO PORKMAN IS TALKING ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS NOT THE HALLOWEEN!!!!
I think that Grinch costume is confusing you. This is Halloween.
Is easy for Porkman to mistake the two. Wal-Mart candy cane display was blocking the pumpkins.

 

by ZMannZilla
10-20-11
Jesus has returned to kick off the Bible-foretold Apocalypse...
Jesus H. Christ, I presume?
1 LO, I hath returned.
2 The time has come for all true believers to be taken to Heaven,
3 before my Father unleashes the Apocalypse upon the wicked.
Yes, I remember that from the memo. Hey, quick hypothetical question here, have to ask... would these "true believers" by any chance be live human beings?
1 THOSE who come before My Father through me shall always find answers.
2 Verily, I say unto thee, that I do indeed seek both the righteous and the wicked amongst living mortals.
Well, sorry 'bout the wasted trip then, Mr. Christ. We already killed all those!
1 WHAT?!

 

Progeria Protip For Kids: Just because your condition makes you look older, doesn't mean you'll fool everyone.
Allright, old timer, what'll you have?
Scotch and wa-wa.
by ZMannZilla, 10-23-11

 

by ZMannZilla
10-24-11
Holy Cursewords Porkman! My smartphone doesn't work any more!
Fear not, Finchy. Porkman prepared well for this day with $7 a month insurance plan.
Great thinking, Porkman! Will that also pay for a guy to pull it out of the toilet for us?
OMG PORKMAN THINKS IT DOES BUT WHAT IF IT DOES NOT?!?!?!
Well, let's just say drowning in turd-water only makes the birds angrier.
wait no hold up WHY IS PHONE IN THE TOILET?!?!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-26-11
OK, Im on my Doodad 360 login page, it says "Username" and "Password". What I'm sposed to do now, yo?
Enter your username and password, and then select "Login".
OK, so I should enter my username and password?
*sigh* YES, please enter your username and password.
You want me to enter my username AND password?
No, I want you to hang up this phone and leap face-first into a vat of medical waste, but I will settle for you trusting that your username belongs in the space marked USERNAME.

 

by ZMannZilla
10-30-11
Holy Cursewords Porkman! Where are we?
WHY DOES FINCHY THINK PORKMAN HAS ALL THE ANSWERS?!?!?!
Because I saw you writing the directions.
Yes, good point. Porkman wrote directions in Esperanto to thwart any potential assassins...
So they won't know where we're going either!
...but then Porkman forgot how to read Esperanto when rock hit Porkman's head-face.

 

by ZMannZilla
10-31-11
Look, we have been at this for ten minutes! Setting up internet on this Doodad 360 thing is just too complicated!
It wouldn't be complicated if you didn't forget the passwords to your router, firewall, net nanny AND parental controls that you set up.
God, why do you make these Doodad 360's so hard to use? This is supposed to be a kid's toy, but I have a master's degree and I can't even figure it out!
Is your master's degree in the technology field?
Um... no, it's in French Literature, why?
Then let's try this: change your Doodad 360's default language to "17th Century French", and let's see if that makes your education relevant to this situation.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-13-11
Welcome to GameStore, how can I help you?
I'm here to pick up the new GTA game for my kid.
Sir, this is an M Rated title, it features sex and violence. Are you sure you want to buy this for your child?
I know it's M Rated but I supervise my kids when they play! What kind of a parent do you think I am?
Y'know, if you run that hooker over after she bangs you, you get your money back.
Dad, I'm 14, I think I can figure out how to game the hooker system all by myself, thank you.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-18-11
http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ZMannZilla/527730
Oooh, neat. Skyrim. Hope it isn't all fetch quests again.
Güd sir Røver, dat dragøn øver dere tük de magic wand. Yü must gø fetch de wand like a güd bøy!
Vikings and dragons. Fuck YES.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-30-11
This is tech support, can I help you?
Y'know that software you make, so that my computer can talk to my Doodad 360? Well, it's utter crap, and your company is crap for making it!
Whoa, slow down there, sir. What's the problem you're having?
Every time I try to install it on my Amiga 500, it says it can't read it! I am not going out and buying a whole new computer just so I can use your software!
OK... Assuming we'd actually want to write our software for a 20-year-old computer, there's nothing on your Amiga 500 that the Doodad 360 would be able to access.
Well, you haughty jackass, you better re-think that business plan if you want ME as a customer!

 

by ZMannZilla
12-15-11
Boy that was a long bus ride back from the gym, huh?
No kidding! Good thing we skipped that shower, otherwise we might have had to wait 15 whole minutes for the next one!
Aw yeah, finally home from another long hot day of stirring limburger at the curry and cheese recycling plant!
YES! After six months of building houses in Kenya, I can finally change my underwear!
Sorry Im late... the head shop was out of patchouli so I had to roll around in some cat piss on the way over.
Whew! I think I got away with that fart back in Northgate.

 

by ZMannZilla
1-03-12
Any Christian that believes in a Biblical Rapture is insane. Just because some ancient weirdo wrote down a bunch of stuff because the voices told him to, doesn't mean he predicted the End Of Days.
Speaking of which, and don't freak out or nothing, but if I were you I'd get your bucket list wrapped up by about December 15th, "just in case" the Mayans weren't entirely full of shit, wink wink.
Um, wow, even you must realize the glaring hypoc...
...irony yes, but dude, you gotta see this Netflix documentary. There's fucking PROOF.

 

by ZMannZilla
2-08-12
So you want to be a pro-wrestler, huh?
Yeah, I heard you once trained to be a pro-wrestler, so I wanted to get your advice.
Well, the training is unreasonably expensive, the pay is well below poverty level, the fanbase is full of insane people with boundary issues, and your co-workers would be drug-fueled egomaniacs.
Meh, whatever, I can learn to deal with a few down-sides in the pursuit of glory and job satisfaction.
Also, it hurts like hell.
What?! Even the fake stuff?! DEAL-BREAKER.

 

by ZMannZilla
2-09-12
Hey Lou, you're home early.
I got fired from work today, and it was total BS. Entrapment even.
What happened?
They had this motivational speaker named Todd. He asks me, "do you believe in yourself?" and I was like "Yes!" He made me say it louder, so I stood up and shouted "I TRULY BELIEVE IN MYSELF!"
Ah, so you were discussing religion at work. I warned you about this when you took that teaching job.
Actually they were going to let me off with a warning, but then I ate Todd's soul. If they didn't want me eating souls, they shouldn't have put such a deliciously innocent one in front of me.

 

by ZMannZilla
2-21-12
Hey, you remember Stinkybear, right?
No Mom, I do not.
He did my tattoos when I lived in Clearwater? He lived next door to that bar I used to like? He was friends with Moober and Grinch?
Mom, I never lived in Clearwater with you. I therefore haven't got a single clue who Stinkybear, or any of those other people, are.
Well, anyways, Stinkybear died of a heart attack this morning.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?!

 

by ZMannZilla
2-24-12
BobTron is explaining to Jesus Christ why there are no humans to Rapture...
1 LO, for I wish to get this straight, 2 Humanity built you "robots" so that you could obliterate them, 3 And make of them a food product called "soylent green"?
Actually, my father-in-law LeaderTron got the idea to turn people into food, using an old family recipe. You can read the story of our company in this lovely brochure...
1 Is there no living person amongst your numbers? 2 Verily, hath my journey from the vast, distant heavens been for naught?
Well, we did make about 3.7 Bazillion clones of this lesbian bartender, and we keep her kicking around so we can harvest fresh genetic material from her...
1 I shall spare the lesbian bartender and take her to Heaven, 2 But for that which science has created from stem cells, 3 I say thee nay, for My Father casts a blind eye upon scientific advances.
You want to save the dyke and you don't care about what we do with stem cells? Looks like our 21st Century FOX Archives need to be updated.

 

by ZMannZilla
2-29-12
Hey internet, Whitney Houston died.
SO?!?!?! WHY SHOULD I CARE IF WHITNEY HOUSTON DIED? WHY SHOULD ANYONE CARE?!
I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHY DO PEOPLE ACT THIS WAY WHEN CELEBRITIES DIE?! I BET YOU CAN'T NAME A SINGLE SOLDIER THAT DIED IN IRAQ, BUT HERE YOU ARE CRYING ABOUT WHITNEY!!!
SCREW CELEBRITY DEATHS AND SCREW ANYONE WHO IS SAD BECAUSE SOME SINGER WHO HASN'T BEEN RELEVANT IN DECADES IS DEAD!!!
One Week Later...
Hey Internet, Davy Jones died.
Oh how sad, he was my favorite Monkee :( RIP

 

by ZMannZilla
3-10-12
Jesus Has Come To Take A23-TK421 To Heaven & Away From The Robot Apocalypse...
...and I can accept that, really, I can. But before you take her, I have one last request - please let me be the one to tell her.
1 AND why, foul golem, dost thou wish for this?
A23-TK421 has been my personal slave for over a decade. I would at least like the opportunity to say goodbye. I assure you, no funny business, you can even supervise if you like.
1 VERY well, 2 I shall grant thy request. Proceed.
Ten minutes later...
Dammit, BobTron is coming in. Stay strong, don't let his jerkface mind games get to you...
Hey, A23-TK421, look who came to visit - it's JESUS, and he's here to take you to HEAVEN!

Showing page 7.

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