All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
7-16-02
Dammit, Bernard, I'm sick and tired of getting the silent treatment from you! I want out!
I am an inanimate object.
I'm worth more than that, Bernard! I'm leaving you! I've packed my things and I'm going forever! I mean it! Goodbye!
I am a sock puppet. I am made of felt and yarn. I am a child's plaything. My entire body cavity is hollow to make room for a person's hand. I am mass-produced in Indonesia.
Damn, you Bernard! I my hate myself for it later, but I can't leave you. I love you. Can you ever forgive me?
I knew you'd be back, bitch.

 

by Scyess
7-17-02
Hey, Jon. What's up?
I'm trying to look up a spelling online, but I can't look up the stupid word unless I already know how to spell it.
What word are you trying to find?
"Fecophile." Either that or "coprophage."
Do you have any ideas how to spell either of them, Tataki? ...Tataki...?

 

by Scyess
7-18-02
**sigh** It's long past time I ended my miserable existence.
This sucks. Every day, day-in, day-out, it's nothing but death, death, death. Man, this is getting old.
Ah! The angel of death is here to take me! Go on! I'm ready!
Forget it. I'm tired of the daily grind. As of right now, I am officially on vacation. Tahiti, here I come.
YOU COULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT BEFORE I PEIRCED MY FRONTAL LOBE WITH A RAILROAD SPIKE! Ass.

 

by Scyess
7-18-02
**KNOCK KNOCK**
Come in!
AAAHHH! NNNOOOO!!! It's the Angel of Death, coming to take me away!
No, actually, I'm Death's second cousin, the Angel of Broken Knee Caps.
Ow.
Maybe next time you'll find a way to pay back your loans more expediently, eh?

 

by Scyess
7-18-02
Welcome to my humble abode, Bernice... Um, is something wrong?
Oh my god! You have, like, an entire ecosystem thriving in your toilet. This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! I am SO leaving!
**SLAM!**
Hhmmmm...
Later on, outside the biology lab...
...and I have, like, an entire ecosystem thriving in my toilet.
Cool!

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
Hey, Jon... this is really awkward, but I met this really cute girl the other day...
Cool. She's going to set me up with her cute friend.
And she's kind of bisexual... into threesomes, and I hate to spring this on you so suddenly, but...
All right! She's going to ask me to join in! It's every man's sex fantasy, coming true!
I, she, and her boyfriend would really like to borrow your house tonight. You can stay with my brother in his trailer home.
You'll pay me $400 for the night plus a $600 damage deposit.

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
So, Mr. Death. People seem to stereotype you as the ender of life, the reaper of souls, the bringer of death. How do you deal with such attitudes?
----***ZAP!***----
Honestly, Ted, it used to bother me, but since then I feel I've grown as a person and come to realize I'm content with myself as long as I AM myself, and that has helped a lot.

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
Hi there. I just LOVE the whole cloak-and-sickle thing, you know? Do you come to this park often?
----***ZAP!***----
*sigh* She was cute, too.

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
Clarece! It is your time!
Haha! Missed me!
Dang, these little Asian girls are quick.

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
Oooo...
Neat.
Cut it out.

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
I don't know if this is such a good idea...
Shut it and pucker up, big boy.
*smooch*
-------------------------*click*-------------------------
*sigh* She was cute, too.

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
Aahhh...

 

by Scyess
7-19-02
Obviously, it's a matter of life and...
...HOLD IT!
What?
These death jokes got old a long time ago. It's long past time we ended them. Sorry, but you're done.

 

by Scyess
7-20-02
*DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG* *DING DONG*
Dammit, I told you, we already got o-
----***ZAP!***----
Like I don't hear enough goddam Monty Python quotes from Cthulhu without having to get them from you mortal bastards, too.

 

by Scyess
7-21-02
Forget it. I'm not even forty! You're not taking ME to the afterlife without a fight.
Well, I guess I could make an exception for you THIS time. I will let you live forever, but on one condition.
You will be constantly followed by this French person, who will incessantly explain why any given French thing is better than_every_other_thing, ever.
Oo... French food is best, and French women, and French cigarettes, and French tampons, and French oxygen...
Ugh. I can smell him from here. Just take me now.
Heh heh... Satan will have to whip out his mink coat when he hears I've found a useful Frenchman.

 

by Scyess
7-21-02
Death is fun, even if French death is better. Who shall we take next, partner?
I'm sorry, Frenchie, but our partnership is over. You'll find your replacement right behind me.
Meet -- Poochly, Reaper of Souls.
Yip yip! *Pant pant pant*
Look, it's not MY fault I got better Halloween candy than you did. Maybe if that cloak-and-sickle thing weren't so cliché. AAIIYEEE!!
Wet's go weap some souws, Poochly? Who's a good boy! Yesh! Who's a good wittew doggy! Yesh!

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
*sigh* I am old, I am tired. I've been expecting you a long time.
Each soul has an alotted time on Earth, to use wisely or rashly. But finally it is your time, Clive, to go to your rest eternal. But first...
Look at Poochly's trick! Isn't he cute! Yesh, that's a cute wittew Poochly-woochly!
Arf! *pant pant*
So much for dying with dignity.
Good boy! Now fetch the soul, Poochly! Fetch the soul!

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
Okay, Sparky. I want YOU to go into Afghanistan and kill Bin Laden.
But... but... why me? I'm a clown!
Yes, but you're the least funny clown ever. If laughter is the best medicine, then the opposite should also be true. You'll poison him with your un-funniness.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Okay, the truth is you ruined my birthday party, so I'm sending you to a war zone out of pure spite.
"Be a firefighter," Mom said. "No, too dangerous. I'll be a clown," I said...

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
...and here's another one you'll love.
No, stop it, you're killing me!
----***ZAP!***----
That's right! For I am really the Angel of Death, sent to rip your soul from your body.
Hahaha! That's hilarious! Do another one!
Um, I don't think you get it...
Oh, I get it, I get it! Now do the one about the two guys walking into a bar, and the third one ducking! I love that one!

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
There's your target soul over there. Let's see if you've really got what it takes to be Assistant Death.
Piece of cake.
Freeze, sick-o! I saw what you did to that innocent dog! You're under arrest!
but... but...
Excuse me sir, there's a man claiming that you're Death, and that he's your assistant... do you know what that's all about?
Don't ask me, I'm just, um, a leper. A sharecropping leper. I think all your man needs is some good ol' fashioned police brutality.

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
What's this odd pain in my left shoulder?
It's a heart attack! Your time on this planet is up! For I am the Squirrel of Death, here to take your soul to its eternal rest.
What? Who said that?
Uh, down here.
Oh! A squirrel! Hi, squirrley! Want some acorns?
Okay, this whole "squirrel" thing is cute and all, but it's really inhibiting my work. When I find the lame-ass bastard who thought I should be a squirrel...

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
Ah, back to my true form! This whole situation has gotten totally out of hand.
Agreed. But what can we do about it?
This is wierd. I just got a letter that says "ObiJo's" parents never married, but only because they were both men." What's an ObiJo, anyway?
Probably some sort of euphamism for "hand job." Read the part where it says "The whole death thing wasn't my idea anyway, assnoodle." That's my favorite part.
What the fuck was that?
I don't know, but I'm beginning to wish I'd taken that job at "Marmaduke" when I had the chance.

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
Just as I thought. Death is here to kill me. Not terribly original, but I can deal with it.
Chill, big O. There are no hard feelings. And besides, I'm on break. C'mon, let's go share a Tootsie-Pop.
Wow, that's nice. I thought some petty desire to see me killed was going to determine the outcome of this comic!
YYYYEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

 

by Scyess
7-22-02
Damn, what a tormenteously long day. It's good to be home.
**KNOCK KNOCK**
Yes?
Your time is up! I am here to escort your soul to -- woah, uh, sorry... Wrong house.
Okay, that was weird.

 

by Scyess
7-23-02
Jon, you've got to see my new creation.
I call it "the human head." It has sole receptors for 4 of the 5 senses, and can house the control center for the entire body!
I never thought about it before, but I think I see why talking animals don't hold many patents.
Yep, I figure everyone's gonna want one of these. I can almost hear the money rolling in as we speak!

 

by Scyess
7-23-02
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the greatest invention since sliced shit...
**POOF!**
Powdered shit! Just add hot water and you're guaranteed a steaming pile of fetid waste every time!
Question: Where is a fly going to get water? And what about all the free, fresh shit that's always lying about in medows?
Guard! Code green! Code green!

 

by Scyess
7-23-02
How are sales going on your new invention?
You mean "The Human Head?" Lousy. They're so useful, I don't know who wouldn't want one.
. . . !
Epiphany?
I think version 2.0 will have "styleable hair."

 

by Scyess
7-23-02
Well, I'm sorry your "Human Head" invention isn't taking off.
Well, there's good news and bad news on that. The bad news is that sales are still zero. It turns out everyone already has one.
Bummer.
But the good news is the patent went through, anyway.
Uh, why are you looking at me like that?
I'm giving the whole world notice to fork over licencing royalties or return the product. Consider yourself served.

 

by Scyess
7-23-02
You might have enslaved all of humanity alien invader kanga-dude, but you'll never break our spirit!
I give a shit about your spirit. I just like playing with new toys we invent to you make you look silly, like this "pixelizer®."
Ha! I don't feel any different, Your device is a total failure.
Haha! You humans are so cute. It almost makes me want to stop wearing shoes made out of your leather.

 

by Scyess
7-23-02
------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**-----
Enslaving humans has unleased quite the innovative streak in the kanga-dude race. For example, this asiangirlifier!®
AAAAHHHHH!!!
------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**-----
Nostaligic for gay Paris? Try our our new Frenchinator®!
AAAAHHHHH!!!
------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**-----
My wife warned me not to use the shitifier® in the house anymore.
AAAAHHHHH!!! Actually, this time I don't feel much different.

 

by Scyess
7-23-02
------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**-----
And I can humiliate you further with my squirrelzon®.
Wha... aha!
------------------------------------------**ZAP!!**-----
Oh, crap... my device is stuck on Axe-Murder mode®.
Heh heh... too bad for you.
...and that's how I saved all of humanity from being inslaved by misanthropic kangaroo-people.
Look, I don't care if you got Friends cancelled, I'm still not going out with you.

 

by Scyess
7-24-02
*sigh* I've totally lost my faith in humanity since Macaulay Culkin was elected president.
Don't worry, little girl. I've finally finished my World Peace Machine. Just press the button to your left.
Aaahhh! What's going on!
My machine simultaneously launches the entire world's supply of nuclear missiles. Imagine how peaceful it will be when all life on this planet ends.
That's your idea of world peace? Turning the Earth into a radioactive slag heap?
Whadda ya want, a global peace treaty? I'm a fucking CHICKEN, ferchrissakes.

 

by Scyess
7-24-02
*sigh* I was happy at first when the ocean reclaimed Los Angeles... until we saw what a piece-of-shit town it really is.
Don't worry, little buddy. I've come up with something that will make us equal to humans...
Behold! An opposable thumb!
That's dumb. I object!
See! It's already working.

 

by Scyess
7-24-02
One week later...
I want to say something that's never been said before. How about, "No doubt about it. Loveshit can harm your bears."
Sorry, Tibor Fischer already wrote that in The Collector Collector.
Fifteen years later...
How about, "Right after I stick this red-hot poker up my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off."
Sorry, George Carlin already said it.
Seventy years later...
I've got it! How about, "Variety is the spice of life, bitch."
Ain't it about time I ate your goat-ass?

 

by Scyess
7-24-02
So what does your latest invention do?
It fixes any computer problem you have in 2 seconds, gauranteed, no matter what.
That's amazing! I didn't even know you knew about computers.
I don't. The device basically cuts off all power within a 1000-yard radius. No computer, no problem.
Uh, what if your problem was you wanted to save your document?
It also comes with a pencil and paper.

 

by Scyess
7-25-02
In the post-apocolyptic future...
This is great! I've just genetically engineered a species of hyper-intelligent long-necked blue birds.
They're superior to humans in every way and... oh, no! They're revolting! The human race is doomed!
You're right, Art. Those human wing puppets will be great for historical re-enactments. But you messed up a bit; the males didn't wear skirts.
Oh, right. Thanks.

 

by Scyess
7-25-02
Wow you're prolific this week. What've you invented now?
It's an on/off button you install on your spouse.
It lets you shut them down when they throw an unreasonable fit just because you happened to mention in passing that their mother shares certain characteristics with water buffalo.
Looks like the author of a certain comic strip is having a little marital tiff again.
OH, yeah. Big time.

 

by Scyess
7-25-02
Great news! I've just won the 1st ever Grand Inventors' Award for Best Invention!
Great! What did you invent?
The Grand Inventors' Award for Best Invention!

 

by Scyess
7-25-02
Eewww! There's a human in the house!
Eep! Hide!
**pppssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh***
You can't get away by scurrying under the refrigerator...!
AAAHHHH *cough* *cough* *hack* *cough* *wheese* *gag*
Among roaches, it is generally held that the best invention ever was the nuclear bomb which allowed them to take over the planet.
A close second is human spray.
**choke**

 

by Scyess
7-29-02
No, please... no more inventions...
But this may be my best one yet! Liquid tampons!
This looks like a caulking gun.
That's my patented E-Z applicator!
I can see where you crossed through the word "caulk" with a magic marker.
Uh oh, time to have a word with the packaging department.

 

by Scyess
7-29-02
They said it couldn't be done, but I've come up with an even better idea than my liquid tampons... SPRAY-ON tampons!
I see you've hooked your caulking gun up to a high-pressure hose.
You mean my patented E-Z applicator.
I mean you can still make out the word "caulk" from where you tried to scratch it off with a coin.
Dammit, the packaging department won't even be able to fathom how fired they are.

 

by Scyess
7-29-02
People are eating more and more exotic foods these days, so I decided to market my goat ice cream.
Yuck -- who would eat goat-flavored ice cream?
It's not goat-flavored ice cream, it's ice cream flavored for goats.
What kind of flavors are we talking about here?
Oh, nothing too wild, just the old standards. Carpet, wet dog, vomit (with or without corn), exhaust pipe, nylon, etc.
Maybe if you market it as an eat-all-you-want diet plan.

 

by Scyess
7-29-02
It's all-natural! New and improved! Certified organic, farm-fresh, not-from concentrate! Fat-free, lactose-free, one calorie!
No artificial preservitives! No artificial flavors! Non-wheat, non-dairy! 1000% of your daily vitamins and minerals! Keeps for years!
Freshness sealed! Steroid-free! Hormone free! The new 2003 Buick LaCrapola.
Yeah, but does it come in grape?

 

by Scyess
7-29-02
Now available! The new 2003 Buicks!
But it's only July, 2002!
Yes, but 2003 is the MODEL year; they come out before 2003.
What, you can't wait for a few lousy months? You could probably make them better before next January, anyway.
Look, bub, stop arguing and just buy a damned car already.
I don't know I'd feel comfortable driving around in something that's several months in my future.

 

by Scyess
7-29-02
COWER BEFORE ME, MORTAL, FOR I AM THE SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Aw, that's so cute! Want some bread, little guy?
----***ZAP!***------------------------------------------
Gah!
Okay, you've got my attention.
Good. Now as I was saying....

 

by Scyess
7-29-02
I'm sorry, Jon. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Hand over the keys.
But I'm not drunk. It's 10:00 am. I don't even own a car, and we're in MY house.
Resisting, huh? As your friend, it is my duty to lay you out to keep you from hurting yourself or others! Hiya!
... but I'm not- AWK!
I think I liked Tataki better before she became a "peer councilor."
You should've seen the way she freaked out when I was frying some eggs! Damn.

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
I think it's great that you know so much about art! Tell me more about this one.
Well, this one was obviously painted as a sort of rebuke to the cubist movement. You see how the colors swirl in shocking and deliberately offensive curves...
Um, excuse me, can you please not poke me in the back while I'm explaining this piece to the lady?
Sorry, son, but you're in my way. The museum is making me clean up this finger-paint my grandson smeared all over the wall.
Go ahead... tell me why that 4-year-old kid is so vehemently opposed to cubism, Mr. I-Know-So-Much-About-Art.
Well, technically, YOU were the one who claimed I knew about art...

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
Know what I like about you, Jon?
No, what?
Darn... I was hoping YOU would know.

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
I can't stand it, Samantha. When I go on a date I end up doing anything I can to make myself look good. I can't stand the way I demean myself.
I know what you mean. When I go out with a man, he usually turns out to be a quivering spineless pool of flesh, like he has no soul of his own.
Gee... you use such vivid metaphors to describe your problems.
Metaphors? Problems?

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
Bad news... the government just levied an electron tax.
That will no doubt cause the cost of computing to go through the roof!
My god... imagine how much it would cost just to finish a 3-panel online comic!

Showing page 9.

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