All comics by SpideyChris

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by SpideyChris
11-20-04
In today's top story, an unoriginal hack uses a gimmick website to fashion another weakly designed comic strip.
The "creator" has assured skeptics that he has highly capable assistants to provide him with creative, plot-driven material.
Enough that I believe my toilet's a Transformer, thanks.

 

by SpideyChris
11-20-04
Greetings, you wonderful people! I am but a humble faery, created to bring glamour and imagination to a world otherwise desperately bereft of such!
It is my task to empart joy and pleasure to the mundane races, yet the cost lies in that I may never seek the same for myself.
That's real easy, since my vagina's the size of a motherfucking piece of rice.

 

by SpideyChris
11-21-04
C'mon man! You slave for tens of minutes making these new and hilarious comics... You should try to make some money off it.
Nah. I'm not about to ask for stuff.
Because you've only made a few so far?
Well, none of this is my art. And, honestly, I think everyone's too busy to take a look at these things.
Doing what?
This is the internet. Probably masturbating.

 

by SpideyChris
11-22-04
I don't get it. What's to be embarassed about if you're just having fun making silly comics?
Well, I can be silly and all, but it's kind of frightening. You know, if no one laughs it's really embarassing.
Why don't you just stop being silly?
I enjoy creating laughter too much. It makes me feel good to make people feel better... I guess I'm a bit of a faery myself.
FUCK! No... I mean... FUCK!

 

by SpideyChris
11-22-04
You realize that, as your immigration officer, I have to get you and your parents to stop these violent rampages?
I'm sorry, Dad said we were going out for some Chinese and, well, I guess he went a bit too far with it...
Since your parents are waiting on bail, I'm afraid social services is going to have to look after you.
Oh, that's just fucking great...
I know you're angry with your new home right now... But your parents did explain the necessity of moving out of America, right?
The food shortage, yeah.

 

by SpideyChris
11-22-04
This is the worst game of Pin The Tail on the Donkey I've ever played... I didn't even get a blindfold. Just this stupid mask to hide behind...
Don't worry, you're right next to me! You just have to avoid all the mines.
...mines?
Oh yeah.
The moral of our story...
Uh... There's, like, mines. And the risk of getting stuck with a jackass.
Or by a jackass.

 

by SpideyChris
11-22-04
OH FUCK! OH GOD! I can't look! We're going to die! So much blood!
You know, with all this red smeared everywhere, if we had Garth Brooks and a piano we could make a really good country video.
A country video!? How can you joke of something so foul when the plane is ripping in half!?
It's Wednesday night. And I saw an ABC logo a while ago... We're just on Lost. Any minute we'll be having revelatory and shocking flashbacks.
ARRIBA! I have become the very matador I once dedicated my life to hunting!
But... I was that matador!

 

by SpideyChris
11-23-04
Hey. I'm Wolverine. Personal saviour to every squirt out there readin' X-Men, n'the sole reason comics were invented.
Hiya! I'm Jubilee. Nobody likes me. Like, rightfully so!
I'm the best there is at what I do.
And thanks to all these restraints I got, today that's going to finally finally omigod FINALLY gonna be me.
I wish it was "chokin' to death on my own tongue," y'know...
IN MY BUTT!

 

by SpideyChris
11-23-04
Yeah baby, I'll call you! Of course, baby! No, no, you keep the honey dust... Awwwww, yeah. Another satisfied groupie.
Hero Two... You remember how I was so rich and famous, and when I hired you on? How YOU are MY sidekick, right?
Oh, yeah, I get all that, Hero One. What's the dilly-o?
...you look like a dork! You don't even have a damn kung fu stance! Why do our lady fans tear off ticket stubs and line up to fuck YOU?
Oh c'mon, that's easy! Two is bigg-
You shut your filthy mouth.

 

by SpideyChris
11-25-04
No more GTA: San Andreas? I thought you loved it.
It pissed me off. Representin', always having to protect the new territories, trying to keep up with stupid meetings and deadlines...
Hehe... Too much responsibility for you to handle?
Yeah, whatever, har har... What pinched it was Denise. Stupid bitch girlfriend had her legs fucking welded together.
If I have to jerk off because some girl won't put out, it's not going to involve pressing any buttons but MINE.

 

by SpideyChris
11-25-04
By my mother's beard... Those Orcs killed our donkey. We have to carry those gold sacks ourselves.
Fantastic. I'll start skinning, and then we'll eat that ass.
...what? No! That was a good animal, I'm not going to let you eat it!
Screw that! I hated that thing, and now it's supper. That'll serve it right for stepping on my face while I slept every fucking night.
Not a chance in hell, you hateful little man.
I wonder if Rent-a-Orc will give a frequent customer discount...

 

by SpideyChris
11-26-04
I'm sorry buddy, but hours are tight lately.
But you told me you'd give me more hours... Not to get the same amount, while everyone else has less.
I'm looking out for ya!
How? I don't profit from this decision, and now the other employees are pissy at me when the situation's out of my control.
Nice grasp of the situation. You'd make a great supervisor!
And you'd make a great fuckin' sorority tease.

 

by SpideyChris
11-26-04
Where did you get this book!? What were you doing in the bathroom!? It's a good thing I came in to clean!
I... Uh... Ummmmm... Uhhhhh...
I'll tell you right now. Sex is NOT FUN! Sex is PAINFUL! Sex HURTS!
.....

 

by SpideyChris
11-29-04
AAAAAAAAAAHH! WHY CAN'T YOU STOP STARING INTO MY FUCKING BRAIN?
Heh, Adam, I think Chris has had enough weed for the night.
Heh... Is he in the living room wrapped in a Futon of Solitude yet?

 

by SpideyChris
11-29-04
PROOPERTIEEEES!
RAILROOOOOOADS!
Dude, Michelle and I are too stoned to play computer Monopoly...
But I need the tophat, man! I NEED THE FUCKING TOPHAT!

 

by SpideyChris
11-29-04
It's been said by many people I've met that marijuana consumption can lead to erectile difficulties for men while they're under its influence.
Well, I'll tell you right now... You guys who buy into that are QUITTERS! Quitters, I say!
It's really quite simple to 'fap it up' after smoking, as I become far more focused on things I usually ignore. Like my tight jeans. (Grrrowl, ladies.)
Refuse to shackle your bodily impulses! Liberate yourself! All you need is the right material!
"Kitty Pryde spun about lithely, her modest bosom heaving expectantly. Marrow smugly toyed with a new boneshaft pried from her athletic hips as she sneered 'I know how to tame this pussy...'"
Oh YEAH...

 

by SpideyChris
12-05-04
Dammit, Hero Two. That silicone shipment would've been torn apart by my puppies by now. But you HAVE to always show up...
Oopsie. Anyway Dr. Blonde, you have the right to remain sexy. Anything you fondle CAN and WILL be thrust inside you.
Oh really?
Mmmmmmmhmm.
I'm simply asking if you've ever noticed how hot our super-villains are.
Or how often they escape while you're "distracted" by... What today? Ninja unicorns?

 

by SpideyChris
12-05-04
Hello. I am Red Robot Model CH-37. I would have liked to be nicknamed Chet, but that seems unlikely for this war automaton.
Everyone calls me "Tobor." Who is Tobor? Is he another unit from my production line? And why does everyone wish for me to "cornhole" things?
I decided to have myself painted blue at an auto-body shop. But they recognized me. When I came in I was treated like a sodomist celebrity.
The mechanics pulled down their pants, giving each other high-fives as they exposed their rears to me. So many humans crying "Me first!"
I was surrounded by assholes.
My existence became a metaphor for internet forums.

 

by SpideyChris
12-05-04
HUZZAH! I am the genie of the online casino ad-banner! But clicking on it, you have freed me and gained three wishes!
AWESOME! My first wish is for more wishes!
Oh... Well... Yeah. That's real original. Real original, retard. I'm an omnipotent force of magic, not some Robin Williams reference gag.
What are you going to ask for next? A flying carpet? A cute little monkey with a fucking fez?
AND AN ANNOYING PARROT!

 

by SpideyChris
12-06-04
Three wishes. You can cancel any at any time, as the union won't let me con a wish for an unwishing... So, what's your first?
I want to live my childhood dream. I want to experience a life of power and responsibility. I wish for the proportionate powers of a spider.
HUZZAH! It is done. How do you feel?
Uh... Actually, hold on... I need to use the bathroom first...
Heh heh heh.
FUCKING CHRIST! I'M STUCK TO THE TOILET!

 

by SpideyChris
12-06-04
So... Come on. Spidey powers for the spidey fan! How come you're not happy?
Well, it was alright for the first few days. Roof jumping. Window peeping... But the bathroom thing is really painful.
And, to be honest, well... You know about spiders, right? My eating habits are totally fucked up.
The deal's simple: You give me that pussy, or I give YOU one. GOT IT?

 

by SpideyChris
12-06-04
Okay, so spider thing didn't work out for you. Wish retracted. What's your second wish?
Hmmmmmm... I like art. And I like making people laugh. So I wish I was a ridiculously successful artist. Oh, and comic illustrator!
HUZZAH! Welcome to the rooftop of your very own-high rise condominium building... Where you own every condo!
SWEET! Is that helicoptor mine?
It's on loan while your replica TIE Fighter is in the shop, you fabulous comic millionaire you.
Eeeeeeee! I feel like Scott Kurtz!

 

by SpideyChris
12-06-04
Alright, since I'm so fabulously rich and wealthy now, I should check to see what my body of work has consisted of...
*beep!*
"Welcome to SpideyChris' Sodomist Senter! This website is dedicated to the meteoric rise and art of the most recognized gay XXX illustrator in recorded history!"
"We have all his collected works, ranging from his beginnings with He-Man fanart to his intimate studio sessions with 12-time Oscar-winner Vin Diesel."
Oh god.

 

by SpideyChris
12-06-04
TAKE IT BACK! You have to take it back! You turned me into some sort of fucking gay hentai porn Messiah!
And it wasn't easy, either. I mean, hey, gay porn sells to some, but in order to make you as rich and famous as you wanted... Well...
What? What did you do?
Well, to make a long story short... I had to make everyone on the planet a flaming faggot.
...even the women?
ESPECIALLY the women.

 

by SpideyChris
12-06-04
Alright, I've rescinded your second wish and everything's back to normal... Again. And now it's time to make your final wish.
You know, screw it. I thought that the things I wished for would fulfill me somehow... But they didn't. I just wish I was happy more often.
HUZZAH! It is done, my master. I now return to the internet from whence I came!
I just hope this wish doesn't bite me in the ass...
Hey cutie. I want to bite your ass.
Okay.

 

by SpideyChris
12-08-04
Children, don't do drugs.
Do me.

 

by SpideyChris
12-08-04
Underaged drinking is a problem that affects more and more irresponsible bastards every day.
It was my first New Year's... The only memory I have of that night is my daddy stumbling in with a White Russian, slurring about how he shouldn't have to feed the brat.
In time, I was trading all my toys away for anything that'd get me closer to a buzz. I gave Suzy from the sandbox my best teddy for a case of her father's Pabst.
I was crowd-surfing at an Alien Ant Farm concert, naked save for my Pikachu diaper, when I realized... I needed to poopie. And that I'd hit rock bottom.
Remember, kids. You don't know trashed, not yet. So leave alchohol for responsible adults and promiscuous college girls. Or we'll punch you.
You tell 'em, Daddy.

 

by SpideyChris
12-09-04
Iron Mike Tyson is scheduled to appear in court within the next ten days due to an incident on November 27th where he allegedly jumped on the roof of a car.
Tyson was also cited as performing non-censual sexual acts upon the car's exhaust pipe, and biting off the side-view mirror.
You can view this footage, and much more, with a pre-order of "Ghetto Washouts Gone Wild Vol. 6." Available soon.

 

by SpideyChris
12-09-04
911, this is Sharon. How can I help you?
Ohthankgod! Listen, I wasn't watching my baby, and she got in the medicine cabinet, and she took all these pills and now she's having a seizure!
Hrm... Crap. I don't think I've had my break burrito yet...
She bit off her tongue! Right off! The dog ran under the couch with it! What should I do?
Yeeeeaaaah... Force some bleach or something down her throat. The chemicals'll neutralize each other out.
I have Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean has bleach, right?

 

by SpideyChris
12-11-04
Some say that romance is dead.
Nah.
It just lurches around, makes people run away, and eats the others' brains.

 

by SpideyChris
12-11-04
You should quit smoking.
Pffffft. This again? You suck.
So do you. Don't you love it when I come in your mouth?
...yeah.
Tee hee!

 

by SpideyChris
12-15-04
How do the Christmas decorations look?
I'm the wrong guy to ask, Maura! I hate Christmas.
But how can you say that, Pete?
It all started when I was a kid...
Cue amazing flashback!
THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS WILL BE DISCOVERED ONCE YOU REACH INTO MY GAPING MAW.
Okay!

 

by SpideyChris
12-15-04
You ungrateful bitch! You stupid WHORE! I don't believe this! Don't you know how to keep a fucking promise!?
Yeah, you keep walking! You better RUN! I see you, I'll KILL YOU! Rip your heart straight out, YOU LYING SACK OF CRAP!
Got a problem, buddy?
It's just those damn hookers always promise to swallow and never follow up!
Oh, I know how that is.

 

by SpideyChris
12-15-04
Alright, for your community service we're placing you in charge of the Sex Ed courses here.
Thank you. I've always believed I have something worthwhile passing on to the younger generations.
Here's the textbook materials...
Oh, don't worry, I brought my own.
Alright Timmy, you can start off the reading.
"Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me, but..."

 

by SpideyChris
12-15-04
Alright kids, I've prepared a video presentation to further break down the differences between the sexes.
Just be quiet and watch it. I'll be reading at my desk.
Mr. Carter, how come we only seem to watch videos and read 'smut'?
Lindsey, my book has Laura Prepon in a bikini. If any of you rats start filling out your shirts, maybe I'll start paying attention.
Should we use cotton balls or socks?

 

by SpideyChris
12-15-04
One video later...
But that was just about some plant!
Au contraire, Jim. You, the male, are the fly while the female is the Venus Fly Trap.
By opening itself and exposing its moist insides to you, the female will lure you into its trap, and your inevitable financial doom.
That's awful! What can we do?
Either get a DAMN good job to delay your fate, or learn to love sausage.

 

by SpideyChris
12-15-04
Listen, we've gotten more than a few complaints from the parents about your end-of-semester project...
Philistines, all of them.
In any case, this is your last class as it is... So just wrap it up and we'll call it even.
I'll miss staring at your secretary's ass, George.
Okay kids, leave your 'My Mother is a MILF Because...' essays on my desk and file out.
Ooh! Do I get extra credit for this video from my dad's sock drawer?

 

by SpideyChris
12-16-04
Hey Trong? Guess what? FUCK YOU!
Well Pino, if I see a dog that needs fucking, I'll be sure to call YOU, ASSHOLE.
Amit, stop talking for once and do your job, you fat greasy piece of bacon shit!
TU ES LA MERDE!
Is that your warm-up for work?
Yeah... Warehouse humour has high standards.

 

by SpideyChris
12-16-04
You're pathetic. I ought to fire you right now... But I'll let you keep your job, if you kiss my ass.
I, uh... I can't. My lips are chapped. Sorry.
Whoa whoa whoa! There's no way I'm letting anyone with chapped lips kiss MY ass!
So, change of plans. You're going around front instead.
Ribbed for your pleasure, I see.

 

by SpideyChris
12-17-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!

 

by SpideyChris
12-18-04
You know, I just realized today... Look at that. Look at my profile. Five stars. Five fucking stars, bitch.
I am a KING among newbie comic creators. From now on, you shall refer to me as Spidey Five-Star Chris. I'm your fucking Messiah.
With five stars, I can get away with ANYTHING! I can hump moving automobiles and shit on the heads of old ladies if I wanted to!
Whippersnapper!
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I HAVE STAR POWER!
Tobor loves celebrities!

 

by SpideyChris
12-23-04
One night at the club...
Hi, cutie! I love sexy geek guys. I'm Lisa.
Chris. Uh... So... Want to come back to my place?
The next morning.
You were great! Want to go catch a movie sometime?
Sure! I'll call you later.
Two months later.
Ever call Lisa?
Nope.

 

by SpideyChris
12-24-04
Heeeeeeeeeeee! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
HAAAAAA! The linoleum is coloured like toilet paper! HA HA HA!
This is the only time I buy you vodka for an early Christmas present.
Shut up and help off me off the floor... ASSTARD! HAHAHAHAHA!

 

by SpideyChris
12-24-04
Hi. I'm a sensitive, intelligent man who'll honestly care about your feelings and want to make you happy.
That's so sweet! I'll cry on your shoulder about all the assholes I'm infatuated with.
What the hell am I doing wrong...? Maybe I should try what everyone else is doing.
I'm your fucking king. Fuck you, whore. Fuck me?
Leave me alone.

 

by SpideyChris
12-25-04
7:12 AM... SpideyChris has joined #stripcreator.
7:14 AM... SpideyChris has left #stripcreator.
You're a shy little pussy, aren't you?
Shut up.

 

by SpideyChris
12-25-04
I know that you're in a lot of financial difficulty these days, so it's okay that you don't have any real Christmas presents for me.
Thanks. It is more important to be with family on this day than to put a lot of emphasis on exchanging gifts.
You'd better have the fucking Spider-Man 2 DVD for me.

 

by SpideyChris
12-25-04
When you're a child, breakfast time brings about the joyful sound of Rice Krispies with their "Snap, crackle and pop."
As a 24-year old, the only time I really hear a snap and a crackle is from my knees when I sit down at the toilet...
Then there's the plop.

 

by SpideyChris
12-29-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
Well, what are you going to do with the rest of me?
I'm out of toilet paper.

 

by SpideyChris
1-06-05
Snake - Age 10:
?
*sneak sneak sneak*
!
Dammit.
And then the pudding faeries fucked everyone in their ears.
...lack of sleep made the author crazy by this panel, didn't it?
Yeah, he quit. I just saw him crawl under the bed with a cigar and a steak knife.

 

by SpideyChris
1-08-05
Later that day, at the shrink's office:
And then she said "Screw this!" I couldn't believe it! Can you grasp the absolute DEVASTATION to my precious self-esteem?
Now now, chap, let's calm down a mite there... What exactly were you wishing to show the young lady?
Well, I like to impress pretty girls...
And if you could crap an egg the size of your head, wouldn't you want to show it off?

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