All comics by thepick

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by thepick
5-16-03
You know The Pick, I can see what you're thinking. Even when your "flogging the bishop".
Really? Well aint that some shit.... so you know about the whole "Dave Boland" thing then, right?
Yep I sure do... you may want to look into a shrink for that one. Plus that whole Tracey Chapman thing's kinda scary.
Heh, yeah sorry about that. Say, if you can read my thoughts...
Yes, I can see that you're imagining me to be Dave Boland, The Pick. It's not nice to mentally undress your Mesiah.
You're not undressed yet, Jesus.

 

by thepick
5-16-03
Dude, I'm fuckin' bummin' today.
Why, what's your problem?
Well, when I was going to check the mail today, I slipped down the stairs and landed on one of the neighbor kids. Busted my asshole in two.
WHAT!?

 

by thepick
5-16-03
Ahh, The Willa, so glad to see you today.
Oh great, not Bobcat Goldthwait again. What the fuck do you want?
I came to talk to you about my kid. I guess your rommate dropped ass on him yesterday.
Dude, he's The Pick. I can't control him. Look at him, he's a total fatass.
Yeah well... if you could let him know that my kid's alright, that'd be cool. He's out of the hospital now, I think he was a little worried about that...
I think he was worried more about his broken asshole. That little punk split his anus in two. I'd expect a lawsuit.

 

by thepick
5-16-03
So Grandpa, what should I do about my broken asshole?
I'll tell you what you need! You need a prostitute!!
Yeah, a prostitute! I think I'll try that!
Let me know how that turns out! (Dipshit!)
Say there purty mama, want to help a poor man with a broken asshole build a dream?
Uh, you know I'm a 12-year-old boy, right?

 

by thepick
5-16-03
... and then, just as a cruel exlamation point to the whole mess, I landed on my neighbor Billy Nachos and he got lodged in my asshole!!
Wow, that's pretty radical dude.
And what's more, his dad, Bobcat Goldthwait, THE Bobcat Goldthwait, freaked out on me! His head was all floating around and shit...
Yeah I heard that was pretty strange to look at.
You're a real good listener, Helicopto. I don't know what I'd do without a friend like you.
It's like my old man always said, you always want to have at least one friend whose had a child up their ass at some point.

 

by thepick
5-16-03
Alright McGavin, you've got two choices. YOU'RE FIRED!!
Fuck this, I'm getting a record deal! Eat shit, Foster!!
Hey Ezra, did you hear that Man Power 4 got shitcanned? He's up in Ron's office right now!!
Who gives a fuck? I just bought another PS2!!
Hey dude, I just wrote a song about getting fired, it's called "Get Out of My Sight/Office"!!
Dude, who the fuck do you think you are? And where the fuck did you come from, its like you just came out of nowhere!! Write your own fucking song asshole.

 

by thepick
5-16-03
ROOOOOOOOOON!! RON FOSTER!!
Dude, George, let it go. You've been fired for like 5 months now, and you have a record deal with a major label. Why are you so stuck on the whole Mediacom thing?
I dunno man, this whole record thing isn't what it's cracked up to be. It's like being fired is the heart from that Poe story, just beating under the floorboards... CEASE TO BEAT YOU CURSED HEART!!
Sure George, you're right. You've fucking lost it, I'm outta here.
No, don't leave! It's really good! I call it "The Telltale Asshole That Fired Me"! ... The Willa? .... The Willa? Is anybody here? I'm lonely.

 

by thepick
5-16-03
...And in other news, George McGaven and the Man Power 4 have released yet another double-platinum album...
What the dolphin!? No! No, this can't be! I fired him! I fired him and I cursed him to wander the unemployment line forever!
His latest album, "This One's For Foster", features his most angst-filled lyrics to date. On his hit single "Yep, Pretty Sure", McGavin singles out "Ron Foster" as "a repugnant dickfaced asshole".
Hey! I'M a repugnant dickfaced asshole! He's talking about me! That little asshole-licker will pay, BIG TIME!
One can only assume what kind of dirty little fuckface that "Ron Foster" guy must be.
Grrrr.... I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!

 

by thepick
5-16-03
In the dreams of Ron Foster...
Ron, you are the chosen one. You are to slaughter George McGavin with vengance and excellence. After that, we'll get some beers and get shit-faced. Deal?
Well, I just finished up slaughtering a village of homeless people with a chainsaw, I suppose I've got time.
That very evening...
Oh Ron, please don't kill me with your super pyrokenesis powers! I want to live! I will be your subordinate and concubine for life! Please let me live!
I've got two words for you, Asshole...
AAARRRGH!!!
YOU'RE FIRED!! Hahaha, you get it? Like, not only are you no longer employed with me, but now you're burning alive too! Like "on fire" and "fired"!?!? You are no match for my razor wit, bucko!!

 

by thepick
5-19-03
You won't belive the call I just got off of. I had a guy that was set up static on two different routers, 3 hubs, windows 95 and NT, plus 4 different firewalls, plus it was a relay call.
So basically it was just a normal call that we all have to deal with on a daily basis?
No, it was much worse than that. This guy also only had one arm, and only one finger and a thumb. Plus he had the worst southern accent ever.
I thought you said it was a relay call Ron. How could you tell if they had a southern accent or not?
..... You think that's bad, you should have gotten the guy I got after that. I had 2 minutes left in my shift...
Whatever Ron.

 

by thepick
5-19-03
Hey Lazer, I heard your house got blown up by a floating paperclip with lazer eyes.
Uh, Criag, that was Bobcat Goldthwait, but yeah the lazer eyes thing is true.
"It was fucking terrible. I tried to formulate a blockade to counterbalance the blast coefficients, but he blew through it like a penis busting an 8-year-old cherry."
Nar nar nar! I love blowing shit up with my lazer eyes!!
"Then he started in on his stand-up comedy routine. That was the scariest part."
Man I loved starring in "Hot to Trot". Talking horses are fucking hilarious.

 

by thepick
5-20-03
So I heard you supposedly blew up a children's hospital yesterday with your "laser eyes". Apparently you killed Bobcat's kid when you did it.
Yeah it was fucking awesome. You could hear their screams for miles around.
Uh dude, I read about that on reuters.com yesterday. You just blew it up with C4, they even found the dentonator. So now what? You're a wanted felon, a fugitive of the law.
That kid was an asshole anyway. I caught him trying to steal our mail a few days before he got lodged in your ass. Anyway, I'll be a fugitive, I'll live off the land, running from Johnny Lawdog.
Well, I'm going home to make some pizza rolls and sell them on eBay. Wanna come?
Okay.

 

by thepick
5-20-03
Whoa, where the fuck am I?
This is Heaven little Billy Nachos. I'm Jesus H. Christ, and I run the show around here. Over to your left there's a foosball table, and there's an open bar down this way...
Wait, I'm fucking dead? No way, this is bullshit. First I'm stuck in some dickhead's asshole, now this?
Look kid, we've got an open bar and a foosball table, quit your bitching and get used to it. Don't piss me off, I'll send you straight back into that dick's asshole and not even think twice about it.
So... do I get to meet Don King?
Uh, Don King's not dead yet retard.... ....You want me to hand your ass to you in foosball?

 

by thepick
5-20-03
PH34R MY L337 H4X0R SK1LLZ!
Okay, first of all, you're not a hacker, you're a fucking anime-nerd with an import 4-banger. Second, the only common thread you have with hackers is that you're fat.
MY L337 H4X0R SK1LLZ 0WN3S J00! 1 PHUK1NG R0X0R J00!!
Yeah, I'm pretty sure people that break networks apart for fun actually type like that. Way to look like a fucking poser.
C0WB0y B3B0P 0WNS! PH34R MY UNS70PP4BL3 R-7YP3 H0ND4 C1V1C S1. ITS S0 R1C3R-C0R3! H3Y W417! D0N7 G0, IM PHUK1NG L337! .. BU7 74LK1NG L1K3 7HIS M4K3S M3 L337!!
Right. *poser*.

 

by thepick
5-20-03
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Bobcat Goldthwait...
Uh, asshole, this is a funeral. Remember, I inadvertently killed myself, and now I'm dead?
Damn it! What the fuck am I supposed to do with these notecards I made? I stayed up all night making them!
Dude, I'm dead, how the fuck should I know? Just ad-lib it man, I don't think anyone will notice.
Screw this, I'm going to play Nintendo.
Sweet, I've got Tecmo Bowl in my car.

 

by thepick
5-20-03
Somewhere in Soviet Siberia in the 1960's...
Daddy, Daddy, I want to go see the dolphins! I want to see Kreskin the Dolphin!
Alright Junior, but no fucking around, I want to be home in time to see America's Funniest Home Videos.
Later that day...
YOUR ASS IS MINE FOSTER!
Oh God please no! Please! He's got a sledge hammer, someone get him away from me! How did I get into this dolphin tank?
Present-Day...
And that's how my dad got his face bludgeoned off by Kreskin the dolphin.
I like holding hands, Ron.

 

by thepick
5-21-03
Hey man, you want to go to the mall with me? They've got a new teddy bear expose' I've been meaning to check out.
Nah, I'm going home to watch Night Court.
Dude, you're passing up the teddy bear expose' for fucking Night Court!? That show was fucking stupid!
How could you say that!? It's fucking Night Court! Night Court! You know, show that's perfectly synonymous with textbook-comedy!? Whatever dude, Night Court rocks, and I'm going to watch it.
You don't even watch Night Court, do you.
Fuck off, you don't have laser eyes.

 

by thepick
5-21-03
Hello Mr. Willa, I'm Dr. Idonthavepantson. We've got some bad news, your surgery ran into some... complications.
What do you mean doctor, what kind of complications did we run into?
Well, let me put it this way... have you ever seen the movie Problem Child II?
What, that movie where that little kid is a total asshole to everyone? Yeah, that movie was fucking hilarious. Why?
Er, well... Some little asshole switched your plastic surgery orders with another patient...
Ah, it can't be that bad can it Doc? So did you get my balls the size of grapefruits like I asked?

 

by thepick
5-22-03
Hey, you! Hey, I don't know your last name... shit, I don't even know your first name, but I was wondering if you could watch my fat children for a few weeks while I visit my friend's meth lab in CA.
Lady, for all you know I could be a child molester with a penchant for fat children of irritating, harassing, threatening, petty, strung-out cuntrag neighbor ladies. Doesn't that bother you?
Nah, not really. I just have a big meth deal going down and I don't know how long I'll be gone. Plus the kids don't like it when I snort coke in front of them.
Uh, listen bitch... I make about twice as much than what you're offering at work, and nobody looks like cabbage patch kids. Plus your kids are always fucking screaming and shit. Fuck off crackwhore.
I do fuck fat children, by the way.

 

by thepick
5-28-03
Hey Ben, I'm hanging up a poster could you grab that hammer for me?
Sure thing, master.
Thanks, I got a new -- What the fuck!? You're a fucking robot! Where the fuck did this come from!?
Jesus, settle down fucker. I'm BenTron 4000. Ben bought me yesterday, and he's training me to do everything for him so he can beat off to dolphin porn all day.
Jeez, you didn't have to be such an asshole.
I'm incapable of being an asshole. Asshole.

 

by thepick
5-28-03
So I guess they got your plastic surgery thing all straightened out then?
Yeah, I swear if I find that little fucker who switched my shit around, his ass is a quesadilla and I'm a lawn mower.
It was pretty neat for a while, though. Since I looked like Bobcat Goldwaith, I got a lot of "celebrity treatment", like free movie rentals at Blockbuster.
I'll take seven copies of "Hot to Trot", please.
Coming right up, Mr. Goldwaith
Then I went to the library and checked out a bunch of books about puberty and STD's. It's gonna be hilarious when I never return them.
Alright, that's "What's Happening to My Body", "Change: A Pop-Up Puberty Book" and "STD's and You: That's Not A Pimple". Anything else Mr. Goldwaith?
Actually, yeah. Do you have a copy of "Masturbation: An I-Can-Do-It Book"?

 

by thepick
5-29-03
Guess who I bumped into today.
Lemme guess, Goldwaith?
Yeah I saw him at Blockbuster Video.
Ha, that's great. Hey, did I tell you I went in there a few hours later and rented some other movies?
No, what did you get this time?
Chixx With Dixx 4 and Bridgett Jones' Diarrhea.

 

by thepick
5-29-03
Where is he!? Where is that fucker The Willa!? I just got back from Blockbuster, that fucker rented a bunch of movies under my name!!
Well, you know this is more or less your own fault, right?
What are you talking about?!
It was your fucking kid that switched the orders in the hospital. Remember, the one that got lodged in my ass and eventually got blown up by The Willa at that children's hospital?
Oh... wait, isn't little Billy Nachos dead?
Yeah he got kicked out of heaven for handing Jesus's ass to him at foosball. I guess. Jesus is a real sore loser, from what I gather...

 

by thepick
5-29-03
Dad, is it true that you rented Bridgett Jones' Diarrhea?
Yes.
It wasn't The Willa then?
Well, let's just say your old man has a few pornographic tricks up his sleeve...
You're a floating head, dad. You don't have sleeves.
Well, let's just say your old man beats off while he watches you sleep sometimes.

 

by thepick
5-29-03
So... I hear you have a young daughter that you're always trying to pawn off on complete strangers.
Yeah, she's fat too. I've got to go pick up a couple thousand kilos of heroin tonight, could you watch her?
Sure, count me in.
Alright, I can pay you $20 plus an 8-ball.
Later that night...
Hi there little Kimmy. Would you like to play "Suck Uncle Bobcat off while he watches Bridgett Jones' Diarrhea"?
Sure, let's do it!

 

by thepick
5-29-03
Man, I can't even belive this Bobby PC, Dave Boland is the neighbor lady's fat daughter! I mean, I just bought a car off of him like last week!
YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING HEAVY, THE PICK.
It's unfathomable. I swear, this apartment complex is filled with the most fucked-up people. Bobcat Goldwaith, Billy Nachos, Crazy Neighbor Lady, and now Dave Boland!? Seriously...
I COMPUTE THE LIKELIHOOD OF ALL THE SAID CHARACTERS LIVING IN THE SAME COMPLEX TO BE 1349871823487 TO 1.
Let's play BattleChess.
BRING IT BITCH.

 

by thepick
5-29-03
30 Years ago....
Man, I just fell off the toilet and had this crazy ass thought to invent the flux capacitor, the device that makes time travel possible.
Hi Doc, I'm Bobcat Goldwaith. I've come back from the year 2003 to settle this shit once and for all...
AAAHHH! You set me on fire before I built the time machine so you could come back in time to set me on fire before I built the time machine you used to come back in time with to kill me before I --
Knock it off asshole, I'm waiting for the space-time continuum to collapse... Any time now... Yep, still waiting on the fabric of space-time to explode or something... Any time now...
I'm bored, I'm going to go listen to some Oingo Boingo records.

 

by thepick
6-02-03
Hey Ben, how'd you like those new modifications on your computer?
Let me guess, that's why it won't boot up...
Yeah, after taking my NCTI courses, I simply edited your autoexec.bat file to make your system resources allocate more efficiently.
Dude, you took "Excellence in Customer Service". That's not even about computers. Besides, you can't do that with autoexec.bat, asshole.
No... but I CAN remove your case, piss on your mobo, remove that heat sink thingie, bust your processor, and take a huge shit on your video card... which I did.
Alright then. You get the hose, I'll call Forskin and get a rusty machete.

 

by thepick
6-02-03
Hey, Four Buffalos, can I borrow your rusty machete? I'm killing The Pick. That fucker blew mud all over my video card. He also cracked my processor and pissed all over my mother board.
Sure... Wait, lemme guess, he took "Excellence in Customer Service" didn't he?
Uh, yeah! How'd you know?
That's easy, all the CSR's take it. I was having some problems with my tv, so I called customer service. They walked me through the whole thing, from breaking the CPU to shitting on the video card.
So did your cable get fixed?
I don't think so... I dunno, I was too busy plotting the death of the entire customer service department to notice.

 

by thepick
6-03-03
So did you see those crazy-ass skank bitches out in front of our apartment today?
Yeah, not too cool. One of them touched me and gave me herpes.
Uh dude, didn't you already have herpes? Remember, you got it from sticking your genitals in that dolphin's blowhole at the animal herepes test lab?
Oh yeah, now I remember...
Haha, yeah. Remember that time you were wrestling that bear and you gave it ghonorrea?
We've been over this, that bear had ghonorrea before I plugged his ass.

 

by thepick
6-05-03
Okay, so let's get this straight... You went to Bayside High all four years of high school, where you planned hairbrained high-jinks with Screech and Slater, right?
That's right baby. I was dating the hottest girl in school, Kelly Kapowski. I used to take her to the beach all the time, right there on the California coast.
Okay, pop quiz hotshot. Why was it your Freshman year, your school, principal, friends, and fellow students were located in Indiana, but your Sophomore year everything was the same, but in California?
That's easy, they took a big crane and just uprooted the entire school during 5th hour on our second-to-last day. Then they loaded it on a jumbo jet and paradropped it off in California.
Oh, okay... Say, did you ever fuck that Kapowski girl? She always looked really hot.
Yeah I stuck it in her ass in Belding's office one time.

 

by thepick
6-05-03
Uh, hi there skank. Listen, about you living in our bathroom... I dunno... I don't think it's going to work out...
Listen, if you need to move out, that's cool. Me and my other skank friends will find a way to pick up the slack when you're gone.
No no no... I mean, YOU'RE going to have to leave, because quite frankly, I'm sick of having your skanky curling irons all over the bathroom. Plus you watch me when I pee, and I'm not down with that.
Okay... can I have some drug money? Do you have a girlfriend? Does Ben have a girlfriend? Can I move in later this week? Will you take me to Krogers? Will you buy me cigarettes? Let's get drunk!
Listen, why don't you try whoring around on the streets to get some money, then buy a magnum pistol, and then kill yourself with it. It's best that way.
Done and done, I'll let you know when I kill myself.

 

by thepick
6-05-03
So, Kelly Kapowski... I heard The Willa broke it off with you... That was pretty shady.
*Sob* I know, I even let him plug my bum bum in Belding's office *Sob*
You know... I'd never treat a lady like that...
Hold on asshole, the Willa told me all about your anal fisting exploitations. Don't pull that shit on me, I'm not that kind of girl. Besides, I'm dating Screech now, so fuck off.
Okay, let's get down to brass tacks... I'll punch you in the asshole for $10. Let's face it, you won't find a better price, here or at Bayside. Oh, and tell Lisa I said she's got a fine black ass.
Fuck off, I'm going over to Screech's house so he can help me pass physics for a beej and a six pack.

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