All comics by OmniMarconi67

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by OmniMarconi67
6-22-05
So let me get this straight...You invited her over, had sex with her, then sat her down to break up with her? You bastard!
Woah, woah, woah! It's not as simple as you're making it out! What kind of person do you take me for?
Really!?! After two and a half years together it'd better not be just that! She was good to you, and even if you were having problems you had no right to be that abrupt.
Of course it isn't! I'd never just screw her and dump her, especially after all we've been through together.
I let her buy me lunch first.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-22-05
Now do you believe that I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Creator and the source of all that is holy?
I dunno...Sure, the whole burning bush thing was good enough for Moses, but back in the day they believed just about anything mystic that came across and said it was the ulitmate diety.
True...hell, even I almost fell for the golden calf...Alrighty then, how can I convince you? Who would you believe? Jesus?
Jesus? I guess...
One magical poof of transformation later...
Hey kid, it's me, Jesus. He's telling the truth about being God and such. Now do you believe it?
I dunno...Sure, your word is considered absolute by a lot of people, but how can I know for sure that you're not drunk? Hell, you turn enough water into wine and after a while you get pretty tipsy...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-22-05
One night on a date with a potential new girlfriend...
You are so full of shit! You don't know Jesus, He is not your drinking buddy, and you aren't his official spokesman!
But it's true! Why don't you believe me, have I done anything ever to make you think I'm a liar?
You just did by giving me all that bullshit and insisting it's true! Christ Almighty, I've had a lot of guys take me out that ended up being losers, but now you? That's it, no more, we're through!
But...
The next evening...
...And she didn't believe a word I said! I'm telling you, something's wrong with the world when no one's willing to trust what people say anymore.
I know what you mean...but don't worry about it, you'll find a decent gal someday. Now let's discuss my next revelation to mankind...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-22-05
For the last time, I wouldn't have sex with you unless we were stuck on a desert island with no hope of being rescued!
Umm...I hate to burst your bubble, but we are stuck on a desert island with no chance of getting rescued.
Ok, fine. Only if you have protection.
...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-23-05
Have you ever noticed how crazy the squirrels are at Ohio State? Seriously, they have no fear. You can walk right by them and they don't run away, like they think they own the place.
Why is this guy talking about?...
They'll look right at you with those beady little eyes, as if they were saying "You better watch your ass, buddy!" I'm telling you, it's as if they have their own mafia running this campus!
What the fuck? Is he on crack? Where the hell does he come up with this shit?...
"...Honestly, does he expect me to believe that the squirrels at Ohio State have a racketeering gig going on, all of them causing insane mischief for the Albino Squirrel?"
If business stays good, we'll be living like kings! The only thing that could hurt us is if they start finishing the construction projects...
Forget about it, the Godsquirrel made Karen Holbrook an offer she couldn't refuse...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-24-05
Hey Kid, welcome to Hell.
As a Unitarian Universalist, I might not consider Hell to be a literal place, but rather to be a state of mind. I know this place is a shithole, but are you sure this is really Hell?
Eh, you got me. Welcome to Michigan.
That makes a lot more sense.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-24-05
Daddy, where do snowmen go when they die? Is there a snowman heaven?
Umm...
"...Of course there is! The good snowmen get to spend an eternity in a winter paradise..."
How's it hangin'?
Ha! Even after two thousand years that one never gets old!
"...But unfortunately the bad snowmen go somewhere far less pleasant..."
Poor bastard, didn't stand a chance...oh well, if he hadn't been so cold during his life...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-24-05
"...We move now to eyewitness accounts of the incident. Please tell us, how did it happen?"
Well, it started out in the kitchen. There was a lot of screaming and yelling, and in the end it was a bloody mess.
"Is there anything else you can add to that?"
Yeah, that's the last time I let my friends butcher cattle at my place.
"A fitting statement capturing the essence of this heartbreaking event. Now for our next story, a man was found murdered outside the apartment where the cattle catastrophe took place..."

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-24-05
What the male says/hears:
It doesn't matter how good looking you are, I'm intoxicated enough to plug a horse. The sooner I strip you down and have my way with you the better!
Oh baby, do me now!
What the female says/hears:
I'm lonely, depressed from my last breakup, and am in denial of the fact that you'll just use me like everyone else has. So I'll pretend to be cautious, but if you say the right things I'm all yours.
My dear, I will be a perfect gentleman as far is it will take me, and though I'll probably vanish from your life after a passionate night of lovemaking, I won't ruin your fantasy of finding true love.
What is actually said:
Hi, I'm Steve. Nice to meet you.
I'm Cindy, nice to meet you too.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-24-05
"We at Riverside Memorial Hospital regret to inform you that your husband's lab results are just as we feared."
"He is suffering from a rare form of antropy that affects the muscles around the pelvic area, and left at it's current rate it will kill him in less than 3 weeks."
"There is, however, one way to cure him."
"He must continually exercise the affected area, the best way being sex 3 times a day for 6 months."
Oh, it's my lab results from the hospital! What's it say?
Sorry honey, you're going to die in 3 weeks.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-24-05
...And then Cristopher Wren says to Eric the Red, "Yeah I've got a match: your firth and my aps!"
C'mon people, that one kills in cathedrals and viking funerals...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-25-05
Check it out! I'm going to seminary!
*sigh*...You know, priesthood is a serious life-altering decision, this better not be another one of your phases.
What do you mean "another one of my phases"? Do you think I'd do something like this on a whim?
Of course you would! You're the king of phases! This is just like the time you wanted to be a pro-wrestler, so you went around wearing a speedo for a month even though you can't fight worth shit.
I was in training! And besides, I had a good reason for having to give it up!
Yeah, that lame arena you built in your backyard fell apart and crushed your dog...so you decided to become a vet instead...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-25-05
You know, you'd want to become a vet too if your dog was in serious condition.
Maybe so, but I wouldn't open up a clinic in my basement!
Where else was I supposed to open one? Besides, I did a lot of animals a lot of good!
Until the authorities caught you practicing without an education or a license. Then you quit being a vet so you could become a lawyer.
I had to do something, I was facing serious prosecution!
That's what they have public defenders for. And your lack of education paid of just as well in court as it did in veterinary practice...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-25-05
I didn't do so bad as a lawyer, I got my sentence reduced from a 5 years to one. And prison happened to be a positive experience for me.
Are you talking about your conversion to Islam? Wow, that phase was such a positive experience that you were only a Muslim for 2 days. You really outdid yourself with that one.
It's not my fault that the Nation doesn't take white people! And what do you mean by calling that one a phase? I was completely committed to the teachings of Elijia Muhummad.
For 3 weeks you were also completely committed to Buddhism.
I acheived enlightenment, didn't I?
Yeah, and then you traded it...for a clarinet...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-25-05
Look, what's the point you're trying to make with all this?
The point is that you go through life changes so fast that you make a mockery of everything! Your going to seminary will only end up in disaster!
But--
No buts! You're not going to seminary and that's that! Now go home and forget about all this nonsense!
The next day
You were right, seminary just isn't for me.
...You're hopeless...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-25-05
It is accomplished!
"Hey, it's God. About that...yeah, I was just kidding about the whole 'savior' bit. Didn't think you'd actually go out and do it. Sorry."
...Well this is awkward...

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-25-05
If we don't leave the plane soon we're gonna die! 3 people, 2 parachutes...well, I'm the smartest man in the world, so I deserve one. So long everybody!
My child, I have made my peace with God. Take the last parachute.
But Father, we can both have a parachute.
Why is that, my child?
The smartest man in the world there just took my knapsack.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-27-05
I'm terribly sorry, but my last boyfriend died in November and I'm still in my year of mourning.
You're a great guy and all, but I'm still in love with my ex-fiance.
We would have been a great couple, but my ex-boyfriend literally moved in from California overnight.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-27-05
I prefer masturbation to sex.
I'm contemplating lesbianism, but if I change my mind I'll let you know.
By the time I'll be available for a second date, my sex-change operation will have gone through.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-27-05
I'm self-conscious about my grades, so I don't date honors students.
I like older guys, what's your father like?
Sorry hun, I can't break a fifty.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-27-05
So I went out the other day to get my train tickets, and the ticket seller had the biggest jugs you've ever seen.
When I went to make my purchase, what I meant to say was "2 tickets to Pittsburg," but what came out was "2 tickets to Titsburg."
Yeah, I had one of those last night. I was having dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "Can you please pass me the salt..."
...And what came out was "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life!"

 

I like how fundamentalists interpret the Bible: Jesus overturned all of the Old Testament that would stop them from eating pork and such, but didn't overturn the stuff that lets them hate gays.
by OmniMarconi67, 6-28-05

 

Whenever someone starts whining about how they lost their job and such, I just say to them "Why all the bitching? The important thing is that gays can't get married and Saddam Hussein is in jail!"
by OmniMarconi67, 6-28-05

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-28-05
Now remember, it's 3 "Hail Mary"s and 5 "Our Father"s for your basic lying and stealing and such. Think you can handle it while I'm gone?
Sure thing Father Brown! If something serious comes up, I'll ask.
It's been three weeks since my last confession. In that time I've been penetrated in every oraface on my body at least once, but specifically I've performed fellatio 500 times. What must I do?
Umm...just a sec, let me check on that...
Hey kid, what does Father Brown give for a blowjob?
A candy bar.

 

by OmniMarconi67
6-29-05
Meanwhile at the Creedence Clearwater Revival in Kansas...
Judas Priest !...And I thought I got away from all The Shit like this when I left Chicago...
...And I say repent now and forever bask in your New Found Glory, or Kiss your ass goodbye!
Excuse me, but by what Unwritten Law must I adhere to your Creed? Do you honestly expect me to spend the rest of my life in fear of a guy with Nine Inch Nails in his hands?
Silence you blasphemer! You must forsake Bad Company and come into the light, or spend the rest of eternity on the Frozen Earth by the banks of Styx !
Where are you going in such a Rush?
Somewhere where this fundamentalist popycock will never cross my ears again...Boston !

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-01-05
Oh boy, my first day on the job! I hope I get a good sale!
Just a sec, I'll be right out!
Hi, my name's Cid, can I interest you in some--
You selling anal lube?
--tupperware...I take it you're not interested...
Sorry, I'm in the middle of something, come back later.

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-01-05
Note to self: Tupperware is not a good sale in this neighborhood, try something else.
State your name and business.
Hi, my name's Cid. Say, you look like a man who could use a good set of business cards.
What, you think that just because I wear a suit I work in a fancy business? I'm a stay-at-home dad. If you were selling something useful like tupperware, I'd be interested. But you're not, so scat!
...Dammit...

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-01-05
Ok...so the first two sales weren't successful. You're doing ok Cid!
You have to expect a few weirdos when you're going door-to-door.
Sure, the anal lube really caught you off guard, and sure it cost you a sure sale at the next house, but you can do it!
Nothing's gonna weird you out anymore! You're going to make a sale no matter what comes out that door and you're not gonna take "no" for an answer!
Go away now without saying a word or I'll be splattered with your blood too.
...Starting at the next house!

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-01-05
Why hello little girl! Is your mother or father home?
Daddy's here, but...
"God dammit you little bitch! I thought I told you to shut that fucking door! You're letting out all the god damn air conditioning! You stupid, whelp of a whore, when I get my hands on you--"
But daddy, there's a salesman at the door!
No there's not!

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-01-05
Sorry it took me so long to answer the door, I'm in the middle of cooking my husband-dinner.
Oh, that's nice, what are you making him?
That's it, I'm making him. I butchered him this morning. Nothing beats fresh manroast with rich mangravy. So what was it you wanted?
Actually...say...I'll bet you're not going to be able to eat all of him tonight, how about some tupperware to store the leftovers?
Nah, manroast doesn't keep very long, epecially with mangravy. But you do have a point, do you want to take some with you?
Umm...sorry, I'm a vegan...

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-01-05
Hi, my name's Cid--
Hello Cid! My name's Dave! Will you talk to me and be my friend?
Sure, and since you're my new friend, I'll give you a great deal on this--
That's great! I have a new friend! Hey, let me tell you this story I know about making friends. Wow, I just love stories! They're so much fun! Hey, you know what else is fun? Soap!...
Hours later...
...I hate my life...
...And then I went shopping, and we laughed, it was so great! Hey, you know what else is great? Snowballs! I know a song about snowballs, wanna hear it?...

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-01-05
Oh, a salesman! I love salesmen! They sell such lovely things! Come in!
At last! After going through Hell and back today without making a sale I'm finally getting a break!
Now my boy, what was it you wanted to say to me?
...I don't know, I've never gotten this far before...

 

Hey, did you hear about that new superhero Dogman? He's the lamest superhero I've ever heard of, he's just a dog in a cape. What kind of bullshit is that?
Yeah, and to top it off his mom is a real bitch!
by OmniMarconi67, 7-09-05

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-15-05
So...you all heard the one about the 98-pound weakling who went to Alaska and came back a huskey fucker?...
...I can tell by your silence you must have...alrighty then...how about the one about the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil?....No?...Yes?...
...Wow...you all must be really exhausted then...must be all the heat...no, it's not hot in here, it's just me!...Anyone?....Hello?...Is this thing on?...

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-20-05
Dude, so how'd your hot date go last night?
It was going well...but it ended up being worse than the night I took her twin to see The Ninth Gate.
What do you mean?
Well, here's how it went: We went back to my place to watch Greg the Bunny, and like her twin she ended up going right as we were about to have sex.
How come?
Like her twin, I asked her if their twins were also twins...I guess they didn't find that as funny as I did...

 

by OmniMarconi67
7-28-05
Hey you! Yes, you! Do you spend all your time on the internet and not enough time in the real world? Are you a loser who couldn't score in a brothel?
That's kinda harsh...I mean I'm no Shank... but...well...yeah.
If you're in the mood to alleviate your pent-up sexual frustration, look no further! Circuit-Jerks is proud to present our new line of simulated sexual encounters made specifically to your fantasies!
Virtual sex?...I dunno...Won't it be kinda lacking in comparison to actual sex?
Not at all! We not only give you the exact same sensations, but we also eliminate the middle-man: No foreplay required, no waiting until she feels like it, and no need to cuddle afterward!
Wow, it's even better than the real thing!

 

by OmniMarconi67
8-07-05
...And then we jamb my thumb up her ass, you finish perfoming cunnilingus, wipe her urine off your chin, and end the song. We call our act "The Dirty Sanchezs."
Hmm...that doesn't quite fit...why not call yourselves "The Aristocrats"?
By Jove, I think you've got it!

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