All comics by Tinman

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by Tinman
8-02-01
Everyone I know has been doing these strips for ages. But I've always been scared that if I did them, they wouldn't be as funny.
Yet, my own brand of observational humour goes down pretty well in the real world, so why not on the net?
And everyone loves my 'Steven Hawking' impression, and no-one ever cares that the joke was tired before I started using it.
So without further ado...
Aw FUCK! There isn't a fucking wheelchair prop. However, I have, at least, turned into a telephone.

 

by Tinman
8-02-01
Look, just pretend the fucking phone is Steven Hawking, right? And let's make that Dog... Franz Kafka.
Dude, I am so stoned. This is some Motha fuckin' good shit! Crank up that Dr. Dre, Mothafucka!
Word, G.
Oh yeah, and think Hawking's voice for the phone. and the Dog sounds like... Fran Drescher.
Mothafucka, I'm stoned and in a graveyard. I'm going to fuck some corpses!
Word, G.
I'm sure I had a punchline to this when I started. When worst comes to worst...
Aw Mothafucka, now I'm in prison! Franz, you now mah bitch! Toss my salad, motherfucka!
What you say!

 

by Tinman
8-02-01
We here at Tinman Industries would like to apologise for that last strip. There was too much plot, and it didn't even have a punchline.
Eventually these strips will have a cohesive plot, and humor, like Kajun's.
Word, G.
Dude! Check it out... I've already had a guest star, and a self referential joke!
Yeah, you should fit right in here. Uh, I mean, What you say!

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
God I'm so desperatley lonely. I don't even know any girls.
Tinman gets some mail from Kajun...
Hey Tinman, I'm in Amsterdam killing my troubles with sex and drugs - I feel your pain though, man. I've sent you an invention to help you out.
It's a Television that will allow you to interact with the women on TV. They can leave the TV to Sexx0r you, however, they have to really want to...
Well, if this isn't a thinly disguised plot device, I don't know what is!

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Well, here goes nothing... Ryoko, do you wish to leave this television to Sexx0r me up?
Sorry, I'm in love with Tenchi. Also, you're pretty damn ugly.
But I thought these programs existed to tell losers that ordinary, boring people like them can be special too? That a hot sexy girl like you could love a loser like me?
...
It's a fucking cartoon, you retard.

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Well, Aeka, how about you?
Sorry... I love Tenchi too. Also, you're short, and have a big nose.
Mihoshi? Kiyone? Washu?
Nope, Nope, and Nope.
Sasami?
I'M ONLY 8, YOU SICK FUCK! Also, your odour is less than appealing.

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
I guess I'll try other anime series... Belldandy?
Nope.
Urd?
Nope.
This is getting depressing. Even fictional characters reject me...

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Hey Tinman - Gareth is away grunting at a football pitch with a stadium full of other subnormals. I'm bored. I demand sexx0ring.
Rei?
What? Leave me be, 3-dimensional bint. I demand only lithe 2d anime babes.
That may have been funny, had the sheer irony not been so confusing.
Asuka?

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
That's it. I'm leaving here with next guy to show up who isn't an anime obsessed retard.
Akane?
Ug.
I can't believe I'm doing this, but...
Vrroooooommmmmm
Lum?

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Tinman! I just flew in straight from Amsterdam. I heard Jeanette was demanding sexx0ring from anyone. Am I too late?
What? Oh, yeah. I think she's a nun now or something.
I can't believe this! I spent the entire flight practicing my 'ug' and this useless bastard can't even keep her here till I get back?
Noa?
That's it. I'm going back to Amsterdam, and I'm destroying the TV.
NOOOOOO!!!

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Don't you think it's weird that the trend is now if you have a stillborn child, you dress it up, take pictures of it, and create a web shrine for it?
It's just creepy. I understand dealing with grief, but in this way? What will these parents do next to keep their romantic image of their dead baby alive?
*Bring*Bring* Hey Tinman, are you coming to the opening of my new animatronic dead baby theme park?

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
I've got to say Andy, this park is superb! I love the 'It's a small, small corpse' boat ride, not to mention the 'aborted fetuses around the world' tour. The animatronics - so lifelike!
And the Samuel Blythe Haynes Musical Variety Jamboree Fireworks Extravanganza show! Wow! That little California Rasin sure puts on a good show!
Yes, indeed.
But... You're really telling me this was the best use they could find for the Millennium Dome?
Yep - Infact, we actually got 1.2 million pound from the lottery charities commision...

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Hey Andy. How's the park going?
Bad, actually. A firework went awry and hit little Samuel. His animatronics malfunctioned, and he rampaged through the park, destroying it, and then most of metropolitan London.
It's amazing to think one dead baby could do so much damage.
Well, he was on fire.

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Still, there is a bright side to the destruction of my theme park.
Really?
Yes. I now have about 12 tons of what could be called 'chargrilled beef jerky' once the shrapnel is removed lying in a burnt retail park in London.
Of course, why bother removing the shrapnel when you could just sell it to African governments at a vastly inflated rate as foreign aid?
By Jove! We could sell it on the basis that if you drink water after eating it, it's more filling!
And the genius part is - they don't even have any water!

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Somewhere in Africa...
Good news. We managed to sell all the shrapnel jerky.
Great!
Somewhere in Africa...
Bad News. A helicopter full of B-list celebrities brought water to the african masses.
How is that bad news?
Somewhere in Africa...
The jerky expanded too quickly for the tiny, frail african stomachs to hold. Almost everyone in Africa has exploded in a mass of shrapnel and guts.
Ah. Well, they probably deserve it. The barbarians were eating dead baby!

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Still in Africa...
So, what's the damage?
Well, there are only 3 things left alive in Africa. A 87 year old tribesman allergic to dead baby, his dog, and an infinite number of monkeys.
The monkeys are all to busy adapting Shakespeare for Kenneth Branagh, so the old man and his dog now owe the 6 billion dollars worth of third world debt.
Still, things could be worse!
Shit. The dog just exploded.

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Trapped in Africa...
Tinman, I'm not sure you understand the gravity of the situation. If this old man dies, we owe the 6 billion dollars of debt!
So what's the old geezer doing? Resting? I hope he's attached to a ventilator.
No, he's chained to a boulder working in the fields to pay off the debt.
Shit. There's only one thing to do when third world problems become too much to bear...
What?
Get a bunch of B-list celebrities for a meaningless fundraiser so the average housewife can forget those nagging feelings of pity for another few years.

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
The celebrities amass in the African desert to prepare for Live Aid 2001
So, what do you want us to do?
Well, what I was planning was that now I've got you here...
...Is that I'd chain you to this old man and his boulder, and make you work in the fields till you die or pay off the debt.
Couldn't we just sing 'Do they know it's Christmas' and then go home?
No.

 

by Tinman
8-03-01
Well Andy, we're finally back in Bonny Scotland.
Yes, I'm rather glad the celebrities proved harder workers than we'd thought. Bono alone managed thousands of potato fields before dying.
I guess that's just the Irish in him. He couldn't escape to America like his lazy ancestors, though. But seriously, I've really learned a lot about poverty, and I think I'm a better person for it.
Big Issue sir?
Fuck off.

 

by Tinman
8-09-01
This week the mother of Rachel Joy Scott will be coming to Kilwinning in Scotland to talk to a church about her daughter's death in Columbine. And to shill, no doubt, her daughter's 'diaries'.
Every paper I've read has put it as if her daughter wrote these books, her daughter, who, like Cassie Bernall, allegedly proclaimed her faith in god before being gunned down by the 'Trenchcoat Mafia'.
In Cassie Bernall's case, the story touted by her parents is untrue. I don't know about Rachel's, but I do know her diaries are a fabrication 'based' on her life. I understand people have to deal with
grief, and I understand they may want their daughter to live on in some small way. But is it really worth lying? Worse, profiting off the lies? Is it SO FUCKING WORTH IT, that you
sell shit 'Rachel's Charm' jewlery, or have a whole online Cassie Bernall Store selling T-shirts, and fucking hats? You sicken, and disgust me, burn in hell with the killers for profiting from death.
*Bring*Bring* Hey Tinman, want to help me sell bootleg T-shirts at the church meeting for the mother of the dead Jesus freak?

 

by Tinman
8-10-01
Outside the church, at Andy Dougan's T-shirt stall.
So, Andy, you sick bastard, what are the bootlegs you are selling like?
Dude, check these bootleg Cassie Bernall 'She said 'yes'!' shirts. They're pretty fucking sweet.
SHE SAID 'YO!'???
Well, considering eyewitness accounts say she didn't say yes, we guess she might have said something along those lines.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look, it's better than 'She sobbed uncontollably, before screaming till she passed out due to the pain'.

 

by Tinman
8-10-01
Outside the church at Andy Dougan's Bootleg T-shirt stall.
Look, I'm refuse to help you sell T-shirts. It's morally repulsive, and I'd be a hypocrite for doing so.
Come on! You'd at least be helping take profits away from the heartless parents involved in this media freakshow.
You make a good point. I suppose I could give all my profits to a charity, to make sure th blood money helps someone in need.
Uh, I hate to say this, but most charities can take up to 80% of your donation for fuelling bogus growth (i.e. profit), so you're only helping the rich get richer.
Hmm... I could give it all to the first homeless person I meet?
Unfortunatley most homless people are alchoholics and junkies who'll just use your money to destroy themselves. I however, could do with a new Widescreen TV, if you're offering.

 

by Tinman
8-14-01
Inside the church, The mother of the Colombine victim finishes her speech.
And in conclusion, Marilyn Manson and Id Sofware killed my daughter. Please buy my books on the way out, and avoid the T-shirt stall. Any questions?
Yeah... Uh, I understand that maybe you're angry that your daughter is gone. You can't hate Harris and Klebold because they're gone. I don't think transferring that hatred to scapegoats is really...
...the answer. Is all the blood money and misplaced hatred really going to help the fact your daughter is gone? Can't you just get past that and grieve for her honestly?
That's quite enough of that! Listen, son, I think it's time we had a messiah to man chat.

 

by Tinman
8-14-01
Tinman is taken to Heaven by Jesus for 'a little chat'
Gaze upon the kingdom of Heaven, my son. Do you feel all your questions answered and your troubled soul eased by my love for you and all creation?
Actually, no.
Look. The fact of the faked stories about Cassie Bernall and Rachel Scott aren't what matters. The point is that they repented and accepted me into their hearts before their death.
Um... Did they do that because of true faith, or because American Society dictates that you turn to Jesus as a last resort? And repentance? Any fool can regret yesterday.
I should smite you SO BAD.

 

by Tinman
8-15-01
Dad, can't I smite Tinman? He's really irritating, and so badly misinformed by a diet of Chick Tracts and the Scottish Clergy I just don't know if I can save him - or if it's worth the effort.
Now son, I have been thinking that you've been a little to hasty recently. But I'm bored. Let's see what the man downstairs can do.
Wait, How the fuck did I get here!?
SODOMISE!!! SODOMISE!!! SODOMISE!!!
Oh fuck.

 

by Tinman
8-15-01
After a variety of exciting adventures that are too expensive for our current budget, Tinman escapes Hell!
Tinman! You're back! The T-shirt sales went great - And as per your request, I used your money to buy heroin, which I then sold to homeless junkies.
What? That's not what I asked you to do!
Well, You asked me to do something like that. I just cut out the middleman.
But... Oh, never mind. Any mail arrive while I was gone?
Yeah. There's a letter waiting for you. Also - why is your ass so swollen?
Shut up.

 

by Tinman
8-18-01
Tinman opens his mail...
Woah, I forgot about my letter. It's almost like I did it on purpose to build suspense. The return address is to 'The Muslim Jihad Selection Committe 2001'???
Dear Tinman, Congratulations! This letter is in response to the title of Lowpass strip #30679, in which you wish to commit a sex act with the Koran. You're now a nominee for a Jihad, and then death!
However, we cannot guarantee you will be allowed this honour unless you make a mockery of our religion again in you strips, or become best mates with U2 and write shitty songs with them.
Thank god I've already killed Bono. Things can't get any worse.
we ran out of toilet paper while you were away, so I've been wiping my ass on that stack of Korans you kept in the bathroom.

 

by Tinman
8-18-01
Well, that's it. I'm a dead man. I guess I better let the media know. Maybe some sort of public outcry will shame the extremists into not killing me.
The Daily Record, Glasgow
A Scottish citizen has just had a Jihad put out on him for his mistaken attempts at humour!
Really? We've been under a lot of stick recently for false reportage. We'd better make sure and get this story straight!
According to the Daily Record, Firsat Dag was a killbot sent from the future by the Jihad to kill me before I made strip #30679.

 

by Tinman
8-18-01
The Future
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Firsat Dagbot v2.0. This version adopts the cover story of an Asian fruit and veg salesman rather than an Asian asylum seeker.
This should reduce the probability of his being stabbed to death before he completes his mission to exterminate Tinman! While causing some space time continum errors and Daily Record screw ups.
DEATH TO TINMAN - MWAH HA HA HA HA!
The Daily Record, Glasgow, Present Day
Wait, was Firsat Dag even a Muslim? Or was he escaping persecution from them?
I'm the editor of the Daily Record! Do you think I fucking care?

 

by Tinman
8-18-01
The Daily Record now claim there is a second Firsat Dag killbot still on the loose and aiming to kill me! However, 79% of those polled wish him luck in his endevours.
The Scottish Sun even claim I should let him kill me in the name of good race relations in Britain.
I'm fucked. I'm going to have to fight fire with fire.
Only one person, uh, thing? can save me now!
The saviour?
fOr 40 BuCkS i'D aCtiVaTe My AsS vAcUuM aNd RoTaTe My ScRoTaL cLaMpS!!

 

by Tinman
8-19-01
Tinman phones Flora...
So Flora, will you do it? Will you be my robot bodyguard and protect me from Firsat Dagbot?
iT'lL cOsT yOu 50 PoUnDs.
I'll pay that only if you let me fuck you in the exaust pipe after you kill Dagbot.
uM... oKaY.
Sweet Deal. I've never fucked a robot in it's exaust pipe before.
sWeEt DeAl. My ExAuSt PiPe HaS aN aVeRaGe TeMpErAtUrE oF 300 dEgReEs CeLsIuS.

 

by Tinman
8-21-01
Tinman and Flora are hiding in Tinman Towers, which Firsat Dagbot has broken into in a murderous rage...
This is it flora. You're going to have to kill or be killed. I'll just hide in this corner, sobbing and holding my knees to my chest.
PREPARE TO DIE, TINMAN!
oH mY gOd. ThIs Is ThE sExIeSt KiLlBoT i'Ve EvEr SeEn. I mUsT fUcK hIm BeFoRe hE cAn SaY aNoThEr WoRd...
vrrrrroooommmm!!!!
Not this joke again...

 

by Tinman
8-21-01
According to the Daily Record, Firsat Dag was stabbed to death in Sighthill... Again. I wonder what happened to... Flora!
oH tInMaN! iT's TeRrBlE! i FeLl In LoVe WiTh HiM aNd ThE sEx WaS fAnTaStIc. aFtEr It He ToLd Me We DiD wRoNg, As iN tHe FuTuRe I'm HiS mOtHeR! tHeY uSe Me tO eNgInEeR hIs BiRtH...
This is my chance... She's all fucked up and vunerable.. I can finally fuck her in the exaust pipe...
i FuCkEd My OwN sOn! ThEn NeDs StAbBeD hIm To DeAtH iNfRoNt Of My EyEs! SoB! SoB! SoB...
Later...
Ignoring the fact that the most recent plot developments have been WAY too convoluted, why is your dick all swollen? Not to mention the 3rd degree burns...
Shut up.

 

by Tinman
11-20-01
Just imagine there's thunder, lightning and heavy rain, okay? I'm trying to set the scene here.
Andy... It's been so long since I visited your grave. Things have changed so much. Kajun's selling out just like you did, and you're gone forever...
(Loud thunderclap.) A figure emerges from the shadows!
Oh my God... Andy... How are you alive?
I'm not... Months ago I was bitten by a forum zombie, and began to make boring, shit, injokey strips. I was buried by accident when I fell down in the dark. I bit Kajun... But he doesn't know yet.
Forum zombies? Egad! I've got to save Kajun! I've got to save the world!
Shut up, idiot. I'm going to bite you now - and the Forum's dream will be reaching fruition - A world where every comic is about TOBOR!

 

by Tinman
11-20-01
Wait, before you bite me, tell me more. Are you the classic kind of zombie? Shambling, slow, hunger for brains?
Well, yes, we are known for our shambling walk, but that's because we're so full of shit we don't want to spill any. We also thirst for brains due to our complete lack of any.
So, I could just run away then?
Well... Yes. But wouldn't you rather be one of us? You'll never be alone again.... One... Of... Us...
vrrrrroooommmm!!!! sccreeeeccchh!!!
I'm such an idiot. Zombies never attack alone. I wish I was a vampire, or something.

 

by Tinman
11-20-01
Kajun! I've got to tell you - You were bitten by Andy Dougan! And he's a ZOMBIE!
Yeah... I know. Who cares? It's great. If you saw my strips, I've got a girlfriend now, and I'm being funny and great in the forums. Join us!
After all, You post in alt.digitiser, is that any different from our forums? And your strips are so injokey! Give it up! One of us! One of us!
Yeah... I guess... No! Back foul demon! You spread lies! alt.digi sucks now! And I don't need validation from a bunch of lifeless forum zombies to just be who I am!
I swear. If I wasn't having my dick sucked RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I'd shamble over there and bite your goddamn ass.

 

by Tinman
11-20-01
Gareth McCheesecake reports to the commander of the forum zombies...
Sir! The attempts to convert Tinman are failing! Neither cold logic nor the threat of zombie bitings are getting through to him!
Sir, we're running out of ideas!
Shocka!
TOBOR IS NOT PLEASED. INITIATE GARETH ASSRAPE PROGRAM.

 

by Tinman
11-20-01
TOBOR INITIATE AFTER RAPE CIGARETTE PROGRAM. AH. WELCOME TO MALBORO COUNTRY.
Oh my god. That was... So painful. The next time some bitch moans about the pain of childbirth, she can hear about this...
ANDY. WHY YOU NOT BITE TINMAN?
Shut up, Tobor. I'm a vampire now. Look, I bought these teeth at a joke shop. Blah! I vant to suck your blooood! I'm a Count! Van elephant! Two elephant! Three elephant! Ah ah ah ah!
I CAN COUNT VAN ASS RAPING COMING YOUR WAY. AH. AH. AH.
I'm so glad I got used to this in prison.

 

by Tinman
11-21-01
I can't believe chanting backwards de-zombified you. Or that Tobor is planning to assrape God!
As much as I love pointless exposition, there's something else you have to know... You've probably already lost.
What? How?
Think about it! All your last strips have been about Tobor! I must have bit you before you released me from zombiehood!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It can't be true! Andy always told me to bend with the knees when picking up a shiny 10p piece!
Look, it was just as unpleasant for me. Have you ever thought of waxing your ass? I'm still picking hair out of my teeth.

 

by Tinman
11-21-01
Now that you've been bitten by a forum zombie, time is of the essence. You have until Friday until your strips are completely shit, you post a boring 'me too' post in every topic in every forum,
and your favourites bulge with about 30 different people who are all on the list because you want to be their favourites.
Then, it gets worse. You lose all creativity, and have to resort to doing comic contests where you are told the topic and desperately try to win by being the least funny, or most gay.
Oh my god... I can't let this happen. What can I do to stop this???
Chanting won't work - you're a 3rd generation zombie. You'll have to go to a secret monastery in Tibet to train to defeat Tobor before you deteriorate too much under a new master...
THE AMAZING PORNO BUNNY...

 

by Tinman
11-21-01
Tinman, you have to go to Tibet to train under The Amazing Porno Bunny to defeat Tobor... While you do that, I'll stay here and try and convert Andy back.
I've already got my plane tickets. It was so cheap, now that everyone's shit scared the possibility of a Muslim being within 10 miles of their plane.
Tinman, you should be scared of that - Muslims have been trying to kill you since that whole 'Koran' incident.
Oh, yeah. Look, could Andy help it if a Koran is softer on the arse than the Andrex puppy?
Meanwhile, in Tibet...
FUCKING CHINCS!!!!

 

by Tinman
11-23-01
Welcome to Osama Air, this flight travels from Glasgow to Tibet. We may be expecting some, ahem, turbulence.
This flight is great - There's hardly anybody on, so I can stretch out, and despite the fact that the stewardesses wear thes black tent things, I think I saw one of their ankles.
I wonder what the in-flight movie is?
'The execution of the ankle showing slut'. Hmm.

 

by Tinman
11-23-01
The execution was death by duty free. It was like the Generation game, except that instead of a conveyor belt full of cheap merch whizzing past, it was all thrown at a woman till she died screaming.
Now the sinner has been judged, it's time for us to die in glory by crashing into Mount Everest. It's our goal as Muslims to get 74 virgins by crashing planes into the tallest things we can find.
...
The fact that the safety demonstration consisted of the words 'PREPARE TO DIE FOR THE GLORY OF ALLAH' being screamed at me repeatedly should really have prepared me for this.

 

by Tinman
11-24-01
Andy, I have to stop your forum zombie ways, if I can only get through to you...
Shut up, idiot. I'm not a zombie any more! I'm a vampire, so none of your chanting or whatever is going to work on me!
I guess a slight change of tact is needed.
Whatever. Back to counting random things and eating delicious chocolatey cereal!
I'm sorry, but the only Van Helsing we have is 'Van Helsing's Novelty Reject Dildo Museum' in Soho, London. Do you want the number?

 

by Tinman
11-24-01
Okay, I know you Van Helsings have dealt with vampires before, how can we cure Andy?
Well, I personally have only ever worked in the museum. I guess I could stab him through the heart with our best garlic flavoured wooden dildo.
Hmm. I'm looking for something that's going to leave him less... Dead.
Lemme check the manual... It's experimental, but there's an intense 'deprogramming' option available.
Later, in a cheap motel far off the beaten track...
YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE. YOU ARE ANDY DOUGAN, FILM CRITIC EXTRODINARE. YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE, YOU ARE ANDY DOUGAN, FILM CRITIC EXTRODINARE...
I'll agree to anything - just stop hitting me in the face with a badly made 'anal intruder' donkey dong.

 

by Tinman
11-24-01
Well, the deprogramming was a rousing success, with no side effects at all. Allow me to introduce...
The new, improved, Andy Dougan!
This... This isn't Andy.
Nicole Kidman and her kids are alone in an old dark house when mysterious and unsettling things start to happen. TERRIFYING.

 

by Tinman
11-30-01
Well, I managed to survive the crash by holding my head between my legs. It surprised me how this saved my life in the way those safety cards make it out to.
I've now been trapped on this mountain for a week. I've eaten all the tiny packets of peanuts, so now I may have to resort to eating the remaining dead bodies. It's the last thing I want to do.
After all, I've already fucked most of them.

 

by Tinman
11-30-01
Surely someone can save me from my awful predicament, lost, hungry and cold on a mountain side thousands of miles from home?
The Amazing Porno Bunny! The very man I was looking for in the first place! How fortunate!
Are you some kind of stupid fucking spic bastard? My monastery is 10 minutes away! You can see the fucking neon sign from here!
'The Amazing Porno Bunny's Drive Thru Monastery and Chicken Wings". I guess I was too busy fucking corpses to ever look in that direction.
You didn't mention the 100ft flaming cross or laser show continuously spelling the words 'No Blacks'.

 

by Tinman
11-30-01
Make yourself at home here. Tommorow your training begins, but tonight, you dine with myself and my wife.
Later that night...
Hi, I'm Indie Pete, The Amazing Porno Bunny's beautiful wife. I am the epitome of womanhood.
Um...
I also hate black people.

 

by Tinman
11-30-01
Excuse me for this, but, uh, this is a joke, right? You're a woman?
I guess. I could just be a woman who looks like a man. Or maybe I'm a transvestite? Or a transexual. As long as it doesn't break thre rules of Comic Contest 81.
What? Comic Contest??
Hey, don't ask me. You're the one writing this.
Porno Bunny! You've got to help me! I've started to write my strips to fit Comic Contests!
Pretty badly too. I mean, Comic Contest 81 ended ages ago.

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