All comics by four_legged_tripod

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The world just doesn't make sense anymore. All this killing, terrorism, hatred.
I've got so much anger inside of me about it all and I don't know what to do with it.
Have you tried flinging poo?

 

What's up with you? You've been acting pissy all day.
The kids were making fun of me because my mom was on the Jerry Springer show.
Just be glad that the kids can't make fun of you because your mother "spanks her monkey."

 

My sister's so stupid. I put a weeks worth of boogers I've been saving in her cereal and she ate it.
Where are you going?
To burn all the Darwin literature I can find.
Why?
I don't want anyone thinking that my children could ever grow up to be like you.

 

I just started a new Facebook account.
You've got to be careful. There are a lot of perverts on the net.
No worries. I've been chattin' with a hot 14 year old chick who wants to hook up.
What's her name?
She goes by daisydukes_391.
Holy crap! You're feelinglucky_624?!?

 

What the hell man? How could you try and seduce me on Facebook?
Look, I didn't know I was corresponding with you.
You made yourself out to sound like a chick. You even asked me if I was into "breast titty."
Let's just say I was typing with one hand and misspelled beastiality.

 

Well this is awkward. I've never had someone seduce me on line before.
I suppose we need to do something to make this right.
What do they do in your family to make things right?
It would involve me picking out and eating the bugs from your pubic hair.

 

Hey where are you going?
I feel so bad about trying to seduce you on Facebook that I'm leaving Earth.
You're my best friend. You can't just leave me. Where would you go?
I'm going to find a planet where my kind can inhabit it and enslave humans like they do us here on Earth.
Damn dirty ape!
I'm a monkey moron!

 

Ha, sucker! I stowed away on your rocket!
What are doing? You can't be here!
Why? Because I'm going to ruin your plans for total world monkey domination?
No, because you're not wearing an air suit.
That's going to leave a stain.

 

*sob* I'm so sorry Travis. I never meant to hurt you. I'll remember all the good times. *sob*
*sob* The times in the park, playing together, telling secrets, making life-long pacts with each other... *sob*
Hey! It's a monkey! Wanna play?
Hell yeah! That last kid... what's his name... he was getting to be kind of a drag.

 

And I like ponies and clowns and crashing stuff and peanut butter and tuna fish sanwiches and running and video games and sugar and ...
Look kid, it took years for the other kid and I to become best friends. We don't have to do this all in one afternoon.
And I don't like butterflies or marshmallow sundaes or country music or talking to my uncle Bill when he's drunk or Scrabble or taking my Ritalin or ...
I swear to God this kid better shut the hell up or say something remotely interesting to get me to stay.
And I hate it when my 17 year old sister runs around the house naked after her showers which she usually does and I hate ...
BINGO!

 

Okay, back to your sister. She really runs around the house naked after her showers?
What do you want with my dumb ol' sister anyway? I thought we could play Legos.
Maybe later kid, but right now I've got ... uh ... I've got a project on human anatomy due this afternoon and I really need to see some tits.
Is that all? Let me go make that happen so we can get on with playing.
Oh baby! God's finally smiling down on me!
If you want to see more than this it's going to cost you a dollar.

 

Look kid, you're sweet and all, but I'm more interested in seeing your older sister this way.
Ah, come on man. What's she got that I don't?
I really need to start hanging out with smarter kids.

 

What is it dweeb? I'm in the shower!
Sorry sis. I've got this friend who really wants to meet you. He's pretty insistent.
You know that I like to take long showers. Make him wait.
... please don't be fat. please don't be fat. please don't be...
What was that?!?
Sorry. Didn't realize that was out loud.

 

Soooo, you're the friend my brother was saying wanted to see me?
Yeah. But he said you ran around naked after your showers, not just in your underwear.
Oh, not when there are other people over. I only do that if it's just family here.
If it helps, you could call me "Daddy."

 

You're a horny little devil aren't you?
Honey, you have no idea.
Well since you're here, I might as well go make myself more comfortable and meet you back in my room.
...oh hot naked teenage flesh, hot naked teenage flesh, hot naked...
There we are. I feel much more comfortable now.

 

Wait... What? You're a nun?
Yep. I got tired of living a life full of drinking and reckless sex and gave my life over to the church last week.
You couldn't wait one more week to meet me first and have one last fling?
No. I'm sorry. My heart belongs to God now.
And unfortunately for me I bet your "holiest of holies" belongs to him too.

 

Look, we really need to talk about your problem with sex.
What problem? I've got no problem!
If you go to see someone about it, I promise not to tell the cops you were messing with my 12 year old brother in his boxers.
So padre, are you the facilitator of this Sex Addicts/Sexual Offender group?
Oh heavens no! I've been a group member since 93. Do you need a sponsor?

 

What are you doing in your old Halloween costume?
Teaching that perverted monkey friend of yours a lesson.
I didn't get laid and now I'm stuck in a sex addicts group. This day couldn't get any worse.
Hi. I'm Al. I see you have a furry fetish as well.

 

OK. Thanks for sharing Vincent. I know that pimpin' ain't easy and sometimes you've just gotta smack a hoe.
We have a new member in our Sex Addicts group today. Tell us why you're here.
A nun threatened to call the cops cuz I was with her little brother. Maybe she knew about the Thailand tranny or the midget who pleasured me while I wore the diaper too. This is confidential right?
Wow! We're going to cut group short today fellas so I can go home to take a shower, refill my Xanax prescription and call my therapist.

 

Hello?
Hi. This is Mr. Clifford, the facilitator of the sex addiction group. Your comments last night upset most of the group.
In fact many of our members have relapsed claiming you put evil desires into their heads. However Al, the man in the bunny suit, wanted me to ask you to call him.
His number is 684-20... Hello? Hello?

 

Hey monkey man! Come out and play! I've got a special banana for you to play with.
How the hell did he find out where I was staying?
If I just stay perfectly quiet and make no noise, maybe he'll think no one's home and go away...
HEY! MONKEY, YOU'RE BACK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONE FOREVER AND NOW YOU'RE HERE, RIGHT AT MY FRONT DOOR!
I heard that monkey man!

 

What the hell's your problem kid? Don't you have an inside voice? There's a man in a bunny suit outside who wants to violate me.
I'm sorry. Why does he want to do that?
Cuz he thinks I'm a midget in a monkey suit. If he finds out I'm a real monkey it might make him mad or hornier. Either way, me and my butthole don't want to be here to find out.
Got it! So the bad man stays outside.
Hey Kevin, another of your stupid friends is here. He's wearing a bunny suit in the kitchen. He says "Hot Monkey Love" a lot whatever that means.

 

What the hell is wrong with your sister? I know nuns are trusting but the dude's a 40 year old man in a bunny suit! You don't let those kind of people inside your home!
What do mean "nun"? My sister's not a nun. She just wore an old Halloween costume to teach you a lesson.
Seriously? Well, it looks like it's time to get this monkey off my back. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
What was that? Did you hurt yourself?
Sorry. I've been watching a lot of CSI: Miami lately.

 

Hey "Sister Tia," where's your habit?
Uh, well, we don't always have to wear them. We sometimes just wear street clothes.
I've been thinking about you sending me to the sex addicts class and I've decided to turn over a new leaf. There is a lot I need to confess and I would love for you to hear my confessions.
I think that's a priest thing but since you are making a change I suppose I could listen.
45 minutes later
... and then I decided that doing it with conjoined twins would be twice as nice and by the way, did I ever explain to you what felching was? Well for me, when I do it, I like to use a straw ...
I really feel nauseous. I'm going to go take a nap and hope my mind buries this deep into my subconscious.

 

Hey Al. How are things?
Things aren't so well. You've left me waiting a long long time. I got worried you were ditching me so I started to play with my ax.
You like it rough huh? Well let's waste no more time. I'll be in my room which is the last room on the left. It'll be dark cuz I like it that way, and if I start screaming it's because I want more.
Oh, and if you don't mind, I would love it if you called me "Tia" throughout the whole thing.
Nice. And you can call me Shirley.

 

Hey where's my sister Tia and what's up with all the screaming coming from down the hall?
Your sister's just getting to know Al better.
The bunny suit guy? But why?
You know how your sister has a thing for playing dress up with her nun's outfit and all. I guess they just have a lot in common.
Oh right. Like when my mom plays dress up with her high heels and fishnets and goes out late at night to meet her friends named John.

 

Al just left out of here in a hurry and his bunny suit was torn up.
At least all that screaming has stopped.
It has. We should go check your sister's room to see if she's okay.
Hey monkey, It smells like pennies and salt in here.
Reminds me of the time I slept with the hobo for bus fare. Which makes me think that we probably should not turn on the lights until we get you into intensive therapy.

 

What the hell happened in here man? Where's my sister.
I honestly wish I knew kid, but right now we've got to pack up and get the hell out of here.
I'm not leaving until I find out what happened.
Look kid, you can leave with me and visit beautiful Mexico where I promise I won't anal rape you, or you can stay here, go into the foster care system and take your chances.
I think I chose NOT to be anally raped.
Good choice. Now pack your crap!

 

Forget the passports kid. We'll sneak across the border. By the way, your new name is Pedro Gonzales. Get used to it.
What exactly is going on here?
Tia! You're alive! We thought you were killed. We heard the screams, saw the bunny guy take off and then saw the blood in your room.
You thought that was my blood? Please. Your monkey friend needs to do better than a puss in a bunny suit if he wants to hurt me.
He started crying like a little girl when I started to whip his ass. Then I took my hands and ripped off his...
WAIT! STOP IT RIGHT THERE! This story is turning me on. Let me grab my nipple clamps and you can start again in a minute.

 

THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! Get your perverted monkey ass out of my house and never speak to my brother again!
Jeez Tia. Once you've gotten your panties out of a bunch, could I have them as a reminder of our time together?
GET OUT!!!
Fine. Whatever!
And to think, I almost DIDN'T whack off into her milkshake she left in the fridge.
Why does my milkshake taste like sweaty ass?

 

Well, there goes another kid and home I was using. Oh well, the good thing is that most kids find monkeys cute and I should be able to find another one soon.
Sweet! It's a monkey! Hey monkey, want to go to my house and play?
Sure, but answer two questions first. Number one, does your dad live at home, and number two, which one of these women is your mom.
Mommy says daddy is away on a trip which is code for prison. And my mom is the one over there. Hey mom, come and meet my new monkey!
Awwww. Who's a cute monkey? You are. Yes you are.
Oh dear God in heaven! Must resist urge to suckle breasts, must resist urge to suckle breasts, must resist urge to ...

 

So little monkey, my daughter tells me you need a place to stay for a while.
Yes ma'am.
I hope you won't mind sleeping at the end of my bed. It's the only place available at the moment.
As long as you won't mind me licking your crack while I ejaculate each night.
What?
I said as long as you won't mind me hitting the sack at a quarter till eight each night.

 

Hey monkey. Mom wants to see you in the kitchen.
Now I really don't mind if you stay with us for a while. But while you're here you need to help around the house.
I could toss your salad.
We're not having salad for dinner.
What's that have to do with anything?

 

I hate having excema. I wish I didn't itch all the time.
I too wish you didn't bitch all the time.
I'll go fold out the sofa.

 

So you like to help around the kitchen ...
That's not what I meant when I was talking about tossing salads.
Doesn't matter. You need to do something around the house and it might as well be to fix dinner.
Look lady, I really don't know how to cook and to be honest, I'm not really motivated to do anything.
You did want to sleep at the end of my bed tonight, right?
Would you like that to be a three course or five course meal?

 

I don't know a damn thing about cooking.
I eat bananas everyday for Pete's sake.
This may be the first time in history when I've offered to make dessert rather than be dessert.

 

No sweetie, you see the alphabet is the only thing the Indians ever gave us.
Mommy, are you feeling okay?
Better than ever. Your monkey friend made a batch of very special brownies for dessert.
BROWNIES!!!
You're gonna have to wait for me to make a new batch kid. I just smoked the last of the ingredients.

 

I've got to tell you that I have not had brownies like those in a long time. Job well done. Now, let's get to bed.
I've got to warn you, I have a sleeping disorder.
You mean like randomly fondling people in your sleep?
I was going to say snoring, but let's go with yours.

 

A little more to your left. Yes! That's the spot!
Don't stop now! Go, go, go!
Listen lady, I'm not as tall as you are. I've got to pace myself.
Are you using your tail?
When I'm in the zone, I will use all I have to make things happen.
Wow! Well, when we're done moving the furniture around, we can hop into bed and you can show me your skills there, and no more questions about why we're rearranging the bedroom in the dark.

 

Wow! That was incredible. Was it good for you?
Yeah. I need to apologize though. I didn't mean to shoot my load in your face. I was aiming higher like you asked.
Yeah, I was meaning to ask ... Does it always taste like banana cream?
Only when I haven't eaten asparagus or burritos.

 

I have a confession to make. I really wasn't that stoned.
I just pretended to be so that you would think I was easier to seduce and then try to sleep with me.
You realize that all you had to do was show up naked, right?

 

Well I'm beat. I think it's time to go to sleep.
I'm with you. I'll just head down to the end of the bed ...
I can't let you sleep at the end of the bed anymore. Our relationship has changed. I have some other place special in mind for you.
If I find out that it suddenly just got dark because you threw me in a closet and not because you just slapped a gimp mask on me, I'm gonna be pissed!

 

So where am I and why is it so dark?
You're in the closet with us, the rest of the mistress' sex toys.
What are you, a bunch of talking vibrators?
No, actually we are a lot like you.
What do you mean "a lot like me?"
Hey! Which ever one of you jerks is standing on my crotch will have to come down here and kiss it to make it feel better!

 

Let me introduce you to the mistress' sex toys, or as I like to call us, "The Crew." I'm Seth. The mistress picked me up to fulfill the "grabbing the bull by the balls" thing.
Hey, I'm Rosco. The mistress picked me up because I will lick peanut butter off of, and out of, anything. And I do mean anything.
I'm Scat. The mistress picked me up because she just liked the word play of "pussy."
Waz up? The mistress picked me up after reading about the whole Richard Gere/gerbil thing but couldn't find a gerbil on short notice.
As for me, let's just say I know the mistress isn't Jewish as she loves to eat pork.
If I wasn't so freaked out by that woman right now, I might just be falling in love with her.

 

So you're saying that this woman uses her own daughter to lure animals like us home so she can get freaky?
That's what I'm saying.
But I thought that was what I was doing to her.
Join the club man. We were all played.
So then why do you guys stay?
Let's just say it's nice to give Mother Hubbard the bone every now and again.

 

I know this probably seems weird and all, but really it's not that bad.
I don't know. I'm not used to sharing, nor am I used to being the prey instead of the stalker. It's all so confusing.
I understand if this situation makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you need to look somewhere else to find what makes you happy.
But I've already hit all the parks, school yards, skating rinks, and Chuck E. Cheeses. Where else could I go to find vulnerable people to sucker into using?
eHarmony Video Personals #655420 MONKEY
Hello? Is this thing on?

 

eHarmony Video Personals #655420
Hi. I'm Monkey. I'm not really searching for love, or at least the "Hallmark card" kind of love.
More like the "too embarrassed to tell your friends, what the hell did I just do, I need to go to the clinic to get checked out" kind of love.
I'm recently out of a relationship with a woman who wanted more barnyard sex than I was comfortable with, which is saying a lot.
A little bit about me. After being excommunicated from the church, I became a boyscout leader and then an ice cream man when that didn't pan out.
The perfect mate for me is someone who is open-minded, willing to experiment, flexible, and not fat.
So if you think you can handle a "walk on the wild side," or are just sickly twisted and perverted, you can reach me at 655420

 

Let's see. Login. Password. Enter.
You have 000 matches.
What? That can't be right. Oh, I have to scroll over.
You have 420,000 matches.
Ah, so many freaks, so little time.

 

Where are you off to?
I've got a blind date.
What about us?
I'm not comfortable with sloppy seconds or fourths or whatever. Plus, is it really true that you went "gerbiling" with that poor little mouse?
I've got it on videotape if you don't believe me.
I suppose my date could wait.

 

The word is "shoe."
Shoe. Blue. Read me another word.
You are such a good rhymer. We need to tell your daddy. One more word. This toy reads, "Made in China."
Daddy! Daddy! China Vagina! China Vagina!
Aw crap! She's found my Asian porn collection!

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