All comics by fpd

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by fpd
2-04-06
So, you're saying that God is so vengeful that he demands the human sacrifice of his only begotten son before he will forgive anyone of sin?
No, God condemned blood sacrifice in the Old Testament. How many times do I have to explain this before you get it?
You're saying that God doesn't have a taste for blood? And that this is actually in the Old Testament? Are you kidding me?
No, I'm serious. "Whoever sacrifices a bull is like one who kills a man, and whoever offers a lamb, like one who breaks a dog's neck." Isaiah 66:3
But aren't you the lamb of God? What's this all about if it's not to appease the wrath of a vengeful God with your blood?
Look, I don't have enough time to explain it right now, what with dying and all. Trust me on this one, okay? My blood is not your magic ticket to heaven.

 

by fpd
2-04-06
Warning! This comic strip is blasphemous.
Please, for the sake of your immortal soul, I implore you to stop reading this strip right now.
Are you going to believe such ecclesiastical poppycock?
Go on, read the rest of this comic strip. What do you have to lose, heh heh?
What am I doing here? I didn't even believe in you! I was an atheist, and I taught others to be skeptical of religion.
You regularly forgave your enemies and sought to educate them. Wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I did any less for you?

 

by fpd
2-06-06
Ha, Ha! Because of me, Nibiru will smash into earth in 30 days! All life will be destroyed! Earth's doom is at hand!
Unless the governments of the world pay our ransom, right?
Do you question me, you miserable cur?
I'm just assuming that you're really not going to destroy the earth, right? After all, we need a place to live.
I'll split you, you stupid hare! Who the nads do you think you are to nitpick on the details of my brilliant plan!
Bring it on, Dummkopf!

 

by fpd
2-06-06
At Four Freakies Plaza.
I have it, Sue! We'll send earth into the imaginary zone! That way, Nibiru will miss earth, and everyone will be okay!
That's brilliant, Greed. The earth will be saved!
Meanwhile, on Nibiru.
I have it, Nock! We'll send Nibiru into the imaginary zone! That way, earth and Nibiru won't collide, and everyone will be safe!
That's brilliant, Anu! Nibiru will be saved!
And in Washington, DC.
I have a special mission for you, Kapitän Übel. I don't trust those stupidheros. Only you can save the earth.
You're absolutely right, Mr. President! No superhero is as great as I am. Only I can save the world!

 

by fpd
2-06-06
Hey, Tawnee! Guess what? The president has entrusted me to save the world! Me!! Because I'm the best!
Well, I guess you're off to save the world now, right?
Yeah, sure baby. But it's not like I don't have time for a quickie. Let's get it on!
If the world needs saving, you better do that first!
Sheesh! Can't you have a little fun, Tawnee? I can do better than you, you know. I've banged Cutea Sovania! So there, skank!
I hope you can fly at lightspeed, Kapitän Übel. because if you don't get off your lazy ass, you won't have much time to save the world.

 

by fpd
2-06-06
Who dares approach the Steelblue Sucker, herald of the mighty Galagus?
Me, Kapitän Übel, that's who. I heard Galagus likes to eat planets. Well, I have one I'd like to show him.
I believe you heard, wrong. Galagus just eats plants, not planets.
I came all the way out here for a jackass who just eats plants? I need a planet devoured pronto, or my home is doomed!
Show me this planet, and Galagus will strip its plant life bare!
You know, that does sound like fun. Now that I know I can fly through space, what do I care for one stupid planet?

 

by fpd
2-06-06
No, Captain, you can't.
But I must save her, Spork! I love Edith Killer! She's the woman of my dreams!
No, Captain, if you save her, it will cause a sequence of events resulting in the collision of earth with Nibiru, causing our future to not exist.
Damn. Say, couldn't I take her to the future with me?
Oh, look, she just got hit by a car. There's nothing we can do now.
No! Nooo! Edith! I will always remember you!

 

by fpd
2-06-06
I am the Voyeur! It is my destiny to watch everything that happens on earth. In our timeline, the events you saw never happened, because Spork and Captain Cock changed history.
But what if they did happen? What if we were to take a look at such a world? It would be boring. So let's ask instead, What if the Outta-Sight Chick only had the power to make her clothes invisible.
Stop, thief, or face the fury of the Outta-Sight Chick!
Wow, you really are outta-sight!

 

You might be a soap opera character if you mistake your younger aunt for your mother with plastic surgery.
J.R., I'm not really Dixie. I'm her younger half-sister, Di Henry. Would you believe I'm actually younger than you are?
Damn you, Aunt Di! You took advantage of the fact that I wasn't born long enough ago to be the age I am. How could you!?
by fpd, 2-07-06

 

you're afraid to surf the web, because it is full of geeks.
Geeks are circus performers who bite heads off of chickens. So there's no way I'm risking my neck by getting on the web.
I'm not afraid of no geeks. It's the spiders that scare me. The web is teeming with them.
by fpd, 2-10-06

 

heaven wouldn't be paradise for you without computers.
Welcome to heaven. You have your choice of 72 virgins or a Cherubim Amiga computer.
The virgins are tempting, but I have to program. Could I take the computer and maybe get an occasional visit from one virgin?
by fpd, 2-13-06

 

even Eleanor Rigby doesn't want to go out with you.
Eleanor, I was just writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear when I thought of you. Would you like to go out?
I'm sorry, Father McKenzie, you're just not the man I'm keeping my face in a jar by the door for.
by fpd, 2-14-06

 

by fpd
6-02-06
Hey, Archie! I have really great news for you!
Yeah, what's that Reggie?
It turns out that Ronnie is really great in the sack!
Well, I had to choose between Betty and Veronica someday. I'll just forget about Ron and date Betty now.
Speaking of Betty, I have bad news. She's a really bad lay, and she refuses to get an abortion.
Are you telling me you've been with both my girls? You bastard, Reggie!

 

by fpd
6-03-06
Everyone having a good time tonight? Many have asked when the Archies would come out with a new song. This next one is dedicated to Betty Cooper, and it's called "Betty."
♫ Out! Out! You make me want to shout! Get out of my life! I don't want you for a wife! ♫
♫ Oh Betty, You're a bitch. You're a nag. You're a turd of a girl. You're a bitch. You're a harpy. You're a parasitic leech. ♫
♫ I want you gone like you were the flu. I can't wait until the day I'm rid of you. ♫
♫ Oh Betty, You're a bitch. You're a nag. You're a turd of a girl. You're a bitch. You're a harpy. You're a parasitic leech. ♫

 

by fpd
6-03-06
Hello Neighba. I haf a toofache. Would you poke yur hed in and take a look?
Do you think I'm stupid? You want to eat me!
No, neffah. I is veggie-tarian fruity-versalist. Me no eat you.
But I saw you eating the Wilsons last night. It was a frenetic cannibalistic feast, and it scared the heebie jeebies out of me.
Oh dat. Dey wanted us to eat dem. Me sed relly? Dey sed yes, eat us. So me be good neighba. Won't you be good neighba two?
How about if I give you the number of my dentist?

 

by fpd
6-04-06
Vicky, Jack has been dead a few years now. Don't you think it is time you let him go and move on?
Maybe you're right.
Jack, I've been thinking, I need more out of life than you can give me. Frankly, I need sex, and so I think I should see other men.
All I need is the frustrated sexual energy of a young girl, and I'll have all the poltergeist powers I need to rock your world.
Thanks for adopting me, Mrs. Ritter. It was so tragic how my parents both suddenly died of heartattacks, like they were scared to death of something.
Call me Mom, Gina. I think you'll be happy here with us. Just remember our most important simple rule: no boys.

 

by fpd
6-04-06
So, Gina, you must be bummed that your parents died. How is your new family?
It is so unfabulous, Addie. Would you believe I'm not allowed to see any boys?
Oh yes, that feels wonderful, Jack. You are still the man.
I'm about to fill your butthole with ectoplasm, baby. -- Oh no! Not now! I've lost it! What could have happened?
Thanks for showing me what it's like to be with a boy, Addie. You're the best. I'm sure glad Mom didn't lay down any rules against girls.
Not a problem, Gina. That's what friends are for.

 

by fpd
6-04-06
Laddie, the son of Lassie.
You have to go get help, Laddie! Terrorists have destroyed the city, and people are trapped in this building.
Arf, arf!
He's one mean son of a bitch.
Hmm, fresh bones.
Get away from me you filthy butthole smelling beast.
And he'll always find a bone to chew.
No, Laddie, don't attack the mutants! You don't know what kind of radiation poisoning you can get from their bones. Now go get help!
Hmm, I wonder if Timmy has some bones inside too.

 

by fpd
6-09-06
Why did the cannibal cross the road?
This had better be a good one, neighbor, or that box of puppies is going to die.
He saw a tasty dish, and he wanted to ask her to dinner.
Don't you mean he wanted to have her for dinner?
Okay, mister, I've had enough of your "I'm not a cannibal and I'm so perfect" attitude. Cannibals like to go on dates too, you know. We like women just as much as the next guy.
Think about the puppies, man, the puppies! This is no time to lose control! Go on, now, say something funny before it's too late!

 

by fpd
6-09-06
Don't touch that dial. There is nothing wrong with your television. We control the picture.
We control the horizontal and the vertical.
And we control the programming.
Welcome to the 700 Club. I'm Pat Robertson, and I'm pleased to announce that we're now the only show on TV.
It is truly a miracle, Pat. Christians are winning the war against freedom of thought. Just think, no choice means no sin.

 

by fpd
6-15-06
You want to return a Venus razor? Why?
I bought it to bring out the goddess within, but I wasn't happy with the results.
"Bring out the goddess within" is just a slogan. It's not guaranteed to actually do this.
No, no, that's not the problem. It did bring out the goddess within.
Then what's the problem?
The goddess within was Persephone, and I'm terrified of spending half the year in Hades. I didn't buy this product to make my life a living hell.

 

by fpd
6-16-06
I sure wish I was cool. Nobody wants to be with a loser like me.
Hey kid! You can be as cool as they come. All you need to do is start smoking, and you will have lots of cool friends who think you're cool.
But isn't smoking dangerous? Won't it hurt my health?
Did you know that not having friends hurts your health? When you're a smoker, other smokers will flock to you. You'll be part of a crowd.
But won't nonsmokers avoid me?
Only if they're losers who don't care about having friends! And do you really want them for friends? Of course not! Smoke to make friends today!

 

by fpd
6-17-06
I know smoking is cool. But there are such health risks to it, like cancer and heart disease. I would love to be hip and with it, but we're talking about my life here. I don't want to risk it.
With our new perfume Menthol #5, you can smell like you smoke without lighting up! Now concern for your health doesn't have to stand in the way of being cool!
That's really great! But what about my clothes? Wouldn't it get too expensive to spray them all with Menthol #5? And wouldn't it just come out in the wash anyway?
That's what we've made Tarex laundry detergent and fabric softener for! Wash your clothes with them, and they'll always come out smelling like cigarettes!
But what about when I kiss a guy? He'll know right away that I don't smoke, and then I'll be up a creek without a paddle.
What you need is our Tobacco Jo bubble gum! It leaves your mouth tasting like an ashtray, and each piece comes with its own Tobacco Jo comic!

 

by fpd
6-17-06
Hey Jo! Want to go to Newport with me and check out all the first class castles there?
That is a premium choice, Kent. But I want to make it back to Salem in time for the Camel concert.
Wild horses couldn't keep me away from that top quality rock group. We'll hit the highway in my Mustang and be back before eve.
Merci, you are a true prince, a natural champion. It was such a lucky strike meeting you.
I hear the opening act is Focus. It will be like double happiness.
That is so kool. It is the best choice and a real bonus value. We'll have to see them again when they play in Cambridge.

 

by fpd
6-17-06
It's great that you have all these products that can help me smell and taste like a smoker. But what about looking like one? How will I get my teeth yellow, for instance?
That's not a problem with our new AquaStale yellowing toothpaste! It will yellow your teeth and leave you with a stale tobacco aftertaste!
But what about wrinkles? Smoking makes you look older faster, and I still look like I'm in my 20s.
With Nicotina Free Radical wrinkle cream, a special blend of baking soda and hydrogen peroxide, you'll be oxygenating your face into old age in no time.
And what about my voice? How can I get that sexy scratchy voice that so many smokers have?
With our Hacks cough drops, you'll quickly be hacking and coughing your way to that sexy voice in no time! Within weeks, you'll sound like you've been smoking for years!

 

by fpd
6-20-06
Kent, would you believe this new girl at Salem High asked me to stop smoking around her?
Wow, what a Nazi.
She even said smoking wasn't cool. Do you think she's right? It's important to me to be cool.
Jo, if all your friends thought it was cool to jump off a bridge, would you follow after them like a lemming?
No, of course not. That would be stupid.
That's right, Jo. So does it matter if some health Nazis think smoking isn't cool? You're the coolest girl in school, and you know better.

 

by fpd
6-20-06
Boo!
Uh oh! He's turned blue. I better get out of here before he eats me.
That was weird. I guess the hours I spent playing Pacman have begun to pay off.

 

by fpd
6-23-06
Hi, I'm Death, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, yadda, yadda, yadda. Have you seen my horse around here?
You? You're the one who has caused all this devastation? There's only one thing I want to say to you, man, one thing. Fu --- aggh!
Sodding wanker! Do you think I would let anyone talk to me like that? Now where did my horse go?
There you are! What have you been up to?
I met a fine filly who wanted to make sweet tender love with us, and I knew you'd just kill her. So I said "#&%$ Death!" and let her take me on a wild ride of passion.

 

by fpd
6-23-06
War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again! War!
Hold on now, son. I'm War, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and it's my good name you're badmouthing.
Gosh, sir, if I knew it would hurt your feelings, I wouldn't be out here protesting. No, seriously, fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
Ah, the fighting spirit of a warrior. Let me tell you what I'm good for. I boost the economy and get guys like you girlfriends.
Are you serious? You can get me a girlfriend? How about that chick over there? She's really hot!
Just keep up your war against war, son. I have a feeling she's going to be both single and militantly anti-war in a very short time.

 

by fpd
7-09-06
Coming soon to PAX! The greatest comic book superheros are coming to TV. Tune in for the Crusaders!
Aren't those the Archie superheros like the Fly, the Comet, and the Shield? It's not the Justice League, but maybe it will be okay.
If Superman saves your life, what does it matter if you still lose your soul? The greatest superheros care about your salvation!
What the?
Tune in and thrill to the adventures of Timothy Clark and James Carter, right from the pages of Jack Chick's Crusaders comic books!
Oh, it's those Crusaders.

 

by fpd
7-09-06
Look, do you see that Tim?
Oh no, Jim! That towel on that guy's head can mean only one thing!
Excuse me, sir! Did you know that Allah is a pagan moon god? The true God wants you to have no other gods but Him.
Oh my goodness! I never knew that before! What can I do to save myself?
Just repent and accept the Protestant Jesus, as revealed in the King James Bible, into your heart.
Oh thank you! You guys are now my brothers in Jesus! I now realize that Islam, not America, is the great Satan.

 

by fpd
7-10-06
Shit happens to bunnies.
Won't anyone stop for me? The balls of my feet are aching from hours of hopping.
Shit happens to canaries.
Shit even happens to choirboys.
Now that wasn't so bad, was it?
Oh, my achin' balls!

 

by fpd
7-10-06
Shit happens to Philosophy Ph.D.'s.
I'll analyze your axiological axioms and your epistemological presuppositions for a buck, sir.
Why didn't you major in something useful, boy, like business?
Shit happens to soldiers.
Shit even happens to priests.
Did you think you were going to get away with what you were doing to the choirboys? Now you can burn in hell as a piece of bacon! Ha, ha, ha!
Mea culpa!

 

by fpd
7-10-06
Shit happens to space explorers.
But this is not what humans look like. I'm not supposed to have a fish for a hand.
You are the first DNA based species we have encountered. We did the best we could to fix you up after the crash.
Shit happens to cripples.
But I thought that being handicapped didn't matter to you.
Of course it doesn't. I'm not the one who is shallow. I don't like you because you're so shallow you prefer a pretty girl like me to an ugly cripple like yourself.
Shit even happens to little girls.
Hold still while I give you this shot up your butt.
No, stay away from me, lady!

 

by fpd
7-10-06
Shit happens to men.
My good man, why don't you put that knife down before someone gets hurt.
Don't worry. I'll make this as painless for you as possible.
Shit happens to psycho killers.
You don't like my flowers?
What did you do to my boyfriend, you psycho?
Shit even happens to women.
Well, if that's the way you're going to be, you can go join him.
What? Did you say something about flowers? I love them! Daisies are my favorites!

 

by fpd
7-10-06
Shit happens to bulls.
Shit happens to bears.
Shit happens to everyone eventually.

 

by fpd
7-13-06
Goofus talks back to his teachers.
But I didn't do it, I tell ya. Why do you always blame me when something happens? It's not fair!
That's enough from you, young man. You can also tell the principal that you have been sassing me.
Gallant respects authority.
Goofus has been shooting spitballs, m'am. That's against the rules, isn't it?
Thank you for telling me, Gallant. I wish more children had your scruples.

 

by fpd
7-13-06
Goofus enjoys having sex with girls.
Hey Suzy, let's go up in the hayloft and have a good time.
Gallant knows sex is naughty.
Sex is sooo naughty. And it is dirty too. Naughty and dirty. So, are you a naughty girl? Are you feeling a wee bit dirty?

 

by fpd
7-13-06
Goofus indulges his carnal desires.
I had a really great time having sex with you Suzy. Let's do it again after I get some more condoms.
Gallant believes in resisting the flesh.
You vile, heathen temptress, Yuko. You seduced me with your sexy body and led me astray. Shame on you, woman.

 

by fpd
7-13-06
Goofus thinks life is fun and games.
Ha, ha!
Gallant knows life is about responsibility.
You're pregnant? How could you be so irresponsible? There's only one responsible thing to do now. Take this money and get an abortion.

 

by fpd
7-13-06
Goofus picks on other kids.
Gallant, you're a hypocritical, moralistic, self-righteous prick.
Gallant witnesses to other kids.
Goofus, if you don't shape up and become born again, as I have, you are going to burn like bacon in everlasting hellfire.

 

by fpd
7-16-06
Stardate negative 65 million. We have traveled back in time to learn what killed the dinosaurs. Soon we will know.
Captain, there appears to be a huge asteroid heading our way. We can survive only by beaming to the surface.
Back in the present.
Good day, Bob. Say, don't you know those things can kill you?
Nothing's killed me yet, Bill.

 

by fpd
7-16-06
What are we going to do now, Spork? The enterprise we came here on has been seriously compromised by the asteroid that destroyed our ship, the Interpose.
If the Interpose had not come between that asteroid and earth, it would have hit earth, causing much destruction.
Are you telling me that we may have stopped the dinosaurs from being killed off?
Yes, we have violated the prime directive of time travel, and now we must make things right by killing the dinosaurs ourselves.
But how can we do that? The Interpose has been destroyed, and our ray guns will eventually run out of juice.
There is only one logical course of action. We must begin a lineage of humans with the goal of destroying the dinosaurs.

 

by fpd
7-16-06
A lineage of humans? But who can we breed with? I had Yoeman Janice transferred when she wouldn't put out.
Aren't you forgetting Urea, the communications officer? Didn't you two kiss once?
Gee whiz, Spork. We were forced to by Dionysus. I'll do green chicks and purple chicks and even tangerine chicks, but black chicks? Ugg!
This is for the good of the many, Captain. You must remember that the good of the many outweighs the good of the few.
Yoo hoo, Mr. Spork. I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying about breeding. Come here, you stallion, and do the wild thing with me.
Nurse Chappedlips, that would be a waste of time. Human and Vulcan DNA do not mix.

 

by fpd
7-16-06
Who do you think you're fooling, Spork? I know you're half human.
You know, I think I overlooked the possibility of traveling back in time to stop ourselves from stopping the asteroid.
Can we really do that, Spork?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and there's no way I'm going to do Nurse Chappedlips. Here goes.
Captain, you have to change course before the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs hits the Interpose instead.
Who are you? My double from the mirror mirror universe? Why should I believe a thing you tell me?

 

by fpd
7-16-06
Do you believe me now?
Yup. You're me from the future.
And here we are again, stranded in the past, but now there are two of us from alternate timelines.
You know what this means? It means the multiple worlds theory of quantum physics is true. You didn't change the future. You just created alternate timelines.
Wow, you're quite the know-it-all. Since you're my past self, I was worried that I couldn't kill you without killing myself, but I guess that's not a problem.
And I don't have to worry about expiring shortly afterward if I kill you. So bring it on, Captain Cock. This world is too small for the two of us.

 

by fpd
7-18-06
Hey fag! God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
I'm so sick and tired of hearing that. I'll just travel back in time and do something about it.
So, God, if you give Adam a female companion, she's just going to seduce him into disobeying you, and then your own son will have to die.
Oh dear, that isn't good.
Who are you? And what are these things covering my body?
My name is Steve. God made me as a companion for you from your rib. He gave us clothes so we wouldn't see each other naked.

 

by fpd
7-18-06
God doesn't want us to see each other naked? It must be one of those things like the tree.
He said it would be gay or something. I don't know what that means.
Neither do I. But it is like God to know many more things than we do. At least he is taking care of me.
So what do you do for fun around here?
I've mainly been naming animals. Would you like to try it?
Okay, I think I'll call that one over there a serpent. Don't you just love how the sound of that word rolls off the tongue? Sserrpent.

 

by fpd
7-18-06
Hey, Steve, how's it going?
It's been going pretty good, serpent, but I don't understand why God doesn't want Adam and me to see each other naked.
Well, that would be gay, which means happy, and if you became happy, you would be as God.
That doesn't sound so bad. Why wouldn't God want us to be happy like him?
He doesn't want the competition. He likes being the head honcho.
Thanks for the scoop, serpent. I think God is great, and it would be really cool to be like him.

 

by fpd
7-18-06
So, Adam, if we see each other naked, we would be as God. Wouldn't that be cool?
I don't know, Steve. God has so much responsibility. He hardly even has the time to come visit me in Eden.
Please, Adam, won't you do it for meee?
Sorry, Steve, but I'm just not motivated to. Why would one man ever want to see another man naked?
Aren't you curious, Adam? How do you know you wouldn't like to see another man naked until you've tried it?
Well, I'm a little bit curious. But we can't tell God about it, okay?

Showing page 10.

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