All comics by arrandildocompany

Profile

 

Ach. Just to let you know, 'password test' was not a strip by my hand. You probably worked that out for yourselves.
I don't know who did it, but I'm quite disappointed to be honest. I thought that if I made it clear what my password was then I might get some interesting strips appearing under my name.
Sadly, however, we have threereasons' asiangirl1 and 2, against a white background, doing nothing. Very poor. My password is now different, and I'm not going to tell you what it is.

 

Hokuto last few strips bit of mess, now attempt put things back on track!
Hokkaido shinto nihonjinron discourse! Yamato racial purity concentric circles!
Hokuto tokugawa-era gunboat diplomacy European imperialist teabag humiliation!
Meiji constructions reform spirit of wahon yosai with selective Western know-how!
Hokuto very agreeable trade surplus no ken double-digit growth post-WWII through 1989!
Showa heisei major recession 0% interest rate!
Hokuto textbook gloss over own Korea and China atrocity!!!

 

You've already met Bill and Al-boy...
I find a bowl of cornflakes with a light sprinkling of paprika very agreeable at about seven in the morning! Likewise a Chopin piano concerto about an hour after noon!
I also find gallons and gallons of cheap red wine very, very agreeable all evening, every evening!!!
Now put your hands together for Carmen Vadildo...
Ehh... um... Jaxx! Hem hem!
Oooooohhhh, Allissseeetarrrrhh! Est-ce que tu urinados en tu cama encore, si? Tu es loco, mon fis! Ariba, ariba!
And last, and least, Leyre.
Ah, Nicky. Your first experiences of cigarettes, foreplay and Catholicism were all with me. You used to find me very agreeable. Where did it all go wrong, eh?
Well, for a start, you - like the rest of your family - have always been completely and incurably insane, almost to the point of mental retardation...

 

I am thoroughly and unequivocably opposed to the legalisation of hard drugs, public consumption of alcohol, homosexual intercourse with 16-year-olds and farmyard pornography.
Oh, yeah?
Absolutely. If those things were legal, they just wouldn't be any fun anymore!

 

Almost as cheap as a second-hand Ibiza!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like I've always said, Mrs Worthington, m'dear. Don't put yah daughter on thah stage, what?
Er... mummy... help...
What did I just tell you, woman?!?
Whoops.

 

I believe it involves some impressive muscle contractions...
For my 'Politics of Globalisation' course, we get to speak to the Thai Ambassador in Sydney! How cool is that!
Yeah, that's pretty cool. What are you going to ask him?
I'm going to get him to arrange a private show for me, one of those ones where the girl gets these ping pong balls and sticks them up her fa-

 

You know, Ian Thorpe winning six golds really was something. I reckon he's right up there with Tiger Woods, Micheal Schumacher and Micheal Johnson.
Yeah, but let's not forget Grant Hackett breaking the 1500m world record by a full seven seconds.
Mmm. You know, it's a tragedy Katherine Merry's had to pull out of Edmonton with her hamstring. With Cathy Freeman taking the year off and Perec awol, she must have been hot favourite in the 400m.
I know, but Steve Backley threw over 90m the other day, and Larry Achike and Phillips Edowu are really going to give Jonathan Edwards a run for his money. We may even get a 1-2-3 in the triple jump.
Aye. Well, it's been fun, but I'm afraid I have to get back to assessing the FDI risk for capital flows into Thailand for the World Bank.
Yeah, I'd better be off too. I'm starting this exciting new hedge fund management job with Accenture Consultants.

 

The other night I fell asleep listening to Livingston hold Rangers nil-nil at Ibrox on the BBC World Service.
I don't know what's more sad: that Rangers can't even beat a team like that, that I actually care, that the BBC broadcasts it to millions around the world, or that we can hand the title to Celtic now.
Shut up.

 

I see Anna Ford lost her High Court privacy case against 'Hello!' or whoever it was, after they published some photos of her in a bikini or something.
I was just wondering - did she have to read that story about herself out on the Six O'Clock News?!?
You know, you really should go to a lecture or something.

 

You know, my dad used to say to my mum that she looked like Princess Margaret, and that used to be a compliment. Now look at her!
Who, Princess Margaret or your mum?
Grrrrr...
Okay folks, strip's over, nothing to read. Come on, move along. I've got homes to go to even if you haven't.
Honk honk.

 

So this penguin walks into a bar...
Have you got any raisins, barman? I want one of your juiciest, tastiest raisins!
No, penguin. This is a bar. We serve beer. We don't have any raisins. Get lost.
The next day...
Hey, barkeep, have you got any raisins? Give me one of your finest, most succulent raisins!
Look, I told you yesterday, we don't have any fucking raisins. If you ask for raisins one more time I'm going to nail your fucking beak to the bar.
So, the next day...
Have you got any nails? No? In that case, have you got any raisins?!?
!!!!!

 

The guy on the right is Iain Duncan Smith. The guy on the left is me, me, meeeeeee!
If you win, I'm leaving the country!
No, hang on a minute...

 

As Colin has made several hundred strips on the Conservative Party leadership race, I thought I should at least have one or two...
Okay, so lemme get this straight... the leader of the Labour Party is a business-friendly, social-liberal Europhile...
It's a betrayal! If you had any sense you'd vote SSP! I find us very agreeable!
The leader of the Liberal Democrats is a business-friendly, social-liberal Europhile...
Don't blame yourself - after all, you voted Zanu-PF, remember?
And now the leader of the Conservative Party is a business-friendly, social-liberal Europhile.
It sounds good on paper. So why is Britain still so crap?!?

 

You'll notice I've put very little effort into this strip, confident as I am that you will lose and therefore no-one will read this strip!
Like anyone would read it anyway.
So, er... stall, stall... any relation to Colette Smith?!?
Put it this way: I'm no relation to John Smith!
Oh, by the way, on the matter of the restoration of student grants - Colin may be interested to note that it was Ken Clarke who, as Education Secretary in the 1980s, oversaw the transfomation...
...of the old polytechnics into new universities. The result was that 40% of the school-leaving population now go to 'university': thus making it far too expensive ever to reintroduce grants!

 

Below is an accurate representation of a conversation between my gran (left) and my maw (right)...
Ooooh, my memory's not so guid these days. I'm affy forgetful...
Oh, I don't know Gran. It's served you pretty well up to now...
What has?
Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!

 

This is far too obvious. I'd be amazed if it hasn't been done already.
Today, a most unspeakable evil was unleashed upon the civilized world. War was declared on freedom everywhere by one fanatic and a few of his evil supporters. A massive military response will ensue.
Authorities have tonight revealed the identity of this new threat, a faceless coward who changes the nature of terror forever.
Well, who did you expect, Osama bin Liner?!?

 

Ladies and gentleman - the world has found a suitable replacement for Ffion. PS Hell to Cherie.
Howdy! My name's Elisabeth Duncan 'Garden' Smith. Call me Betsy.
I find my husband very agreeable.
Here's my panties. Will you be voting al-Qu'ida this week?
Why do I get the feeling all Christendom is about to start picking on me again?!?

 

Completely upside-down.
Here is the news from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. Ansett Airlines has gone bust in a remarkable display of managerial incompetence.
Unions are calling for the government to take over the company at a cost of $100m dollars per day. The alternative is a Qantas monopoly.
Today, all power was also lost for several hours in several blocks of Sydney's fashionable Glebe Point Road district. Commentators are blaming incompentent power companies.
Bizzarely, a pagan foreign exchange student from Scotland was also spotted at a down-town memorial service.
In other news, some planes crashed in America or something.
You know, I'm considering moving into a hotel room just so I can watch CNN.

 

I was going to make an Andy Dougan-style cartoon, lampooning George Bush and maybe Tony Blair too.
However, the fact remains that I agree with almost everything they've said and done so far.
Sigh. Such is the lot of the pro-status quo satirist.
It seems like Iain Duncan Smith's been exhausted too already. Perhaps a skit about Julian Brazier MP knocking down Italian bikers?!?

 

Well, if I can't think of anything funny to say about World War Three, I suppose I'll just have to make jokes about Bill Mann.
I find the end of the world very imminent at about 2001 of the calendar!
At times like this, I turn to the Holy Roman Empire.
Hem hem... Boom! Yeah, war, cool! Bang, bang! Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat! Wheeeee... BLAM!
Oh dear. Hast thou shat in thy breeches again, mine son?!?

 

See, we can all do them, they're just not very funny!
Hello, I'm Rt. Dishon. 'Gorgeous' George Galloway, 'MP' for Baghdad West, I mean Glasgow Kelvin. Now, far be from me to condone last week's terrible actions, but the US deserved it.
Now, if I were PM - or Presidente - I would offer an olive branch to Mr bin Laden, expel the fascist UN inspectors from Iraq, and dissolve the State of Israel.
Wouldn't that be tantamount to giving in to the terrorists?
Well, I object to the term, 'terrorists'. I think we must ask who the real terrorist in this is: freedom-fighting bin Laden - or decadent, neo-Nazi International Development Secretary Claire Short?!?

 

Quoting the Rt. Hon. Peter Mandelson, MP for Hartlepool...
"The James Bonds of tomorrow will be found not in the Garrick Club or the Athenaeum, but on the streets of Bradford and Marseilles..."
The name's Omar...
Howachmed bin Makhtoum al Riyadh bin Jikhtahl ach Jeddar al Abbu-Dhabbi el Muhammir Abdullah Omar.
If you're a fellow Afghan terrorist, why are you wearing an Aston Villa top?!?

 

Three strips for the price of one! Great!
When I grow up, I hope to have thirty children by twelve different women, all of whom I beat half to death.
Pah, that's nothing. I'm the seventeenth of fifty-two sons. There were some daughters, but we drowned them.
I really think the Supreme Allied Stripcreator should make at least one Arab character.
Hi, I'm Betsy. Will you be voting Taleban this semester?
Don't be so foolish, thou Tory wife, thou! We'll be bombing fuck out of them!
Well, that was a nice way of having three ideas without bothering to make three strips.
Or, in this case, having one strip and not bothering with one idea. However, we guarantee you will enjoy the next one - a witty parody of Calvin & Hobbes' 'Tyrannosaurs in F-14s'!

 

The ancient Afghans peacefully graze the desert, scavenging for scraps. They have long been afraid of the terrible Americans. Now they face an even greater danger...
Americans in F-14s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Apologies to Bill Waterson.)
This is SOOOO cool!
This is so stupid...

 

So this fish goes into a cafe...
Can I have a free coffee?
No.
Go on... I'll make it worth your while...
Oh, yeah? How?
I could give you a bribe under the table...
!!!

 

US & UK Special Forces take on the Taleban, but in a climate of political sensitivity...
Infidels! Take your unclean feet away from this Holy soil, else we burn it under your feet!
Yee-haw! Revenge! We shall reap infinite jus-
Er... excuse me, do you think you could stop bayonetting me for a moment?
What is it now?!?
I have to turn to Mecca and what-have-you.
Sigh. I hate this political correctness stuff...

 

Hooray! Humanitarian food drops! We're saved!
Wait a minute... what's this? 'Colonel Sanders' finger-lickin' good six fried chicken wings?!?'
Strange. I haven't eaten for three weeks, and yet I've suddenly lost my appetite.
Bleeeurrrgh... this is even worse than grass...
Fuck it. I'd rather fast.
I'd rather fucking starve...

 

Hooray! Humanitarian food drops! We're saved!
Wait a minute... what the HELL is this?!?
HAGGIS!!!!! No!!!
DEEP-FRIED MARS BARS!!!!!!! Arrrrghhh!!!!!
Is this Lord Robertson's idea of a joke?!?!?
Christ... I hope for bin Laden's sake that when they catch him they don't try him at the Scottish Court at Camp Zeist in the Netherlands...

 

The Pentagon confirms the US Air Force has begun broadcasting directly to the people of Afghanistan...
"Woo-hoo! When I feel heavy metal / Woo-hoo!"
"Born in the USA! I was / Born in the USA...!"
"The king called up his jet pilots / He said you'd better earn your pay... / Drop your bombs between the minarets / Down the Casbah way..."
"Weeeee'lll meeet agaaain / Don't know where, don't know whehehehennn..."
"This is the end / My beautiful friend, the end..."
Ach. This all comes from our silly clothes, you know. If we actually knew what women looked like then we could write our own rock 'n' roll songs...

 

The Australian Federal Election gets underway. On the left, Australian Opposition and Labour Party Leader Kim Beazely; on the right, incumbent PM John Howard...
Speaking as a renowned world export on military affairs, I can say that I would be doing a far better job as PM myself. Like, getting Mrs Megawart on the blower.
Wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble... must keep Afghan refugees out... wibble, wobble... cultural differences... wibble, wobble...
Here's what I stand for: rolling back my foreskin. No, wait, I don't have a foreskin... I'll have to settle for rolling back the Goods and Services Tax on dildoes... er...
SNIFF... must oppress Aboriginals... wibble, wobble...
Sacked Ansett workers are entitled to their jobs, because they were born. Here's what I'll do when I, the alternative PM, am PM: keep Ansett running for three hours by scrapping blah blah blah...
Mummy... can I go home now?

 
YOU'RE... ALL... TOTALLY... FUCKED... NOW...

 

HOWWWAHHHHD!!! So, congratules. What do you say to those people who say that you always look like you're just about to burst into tears?!?
I'm not going to comment on that...
Um...
Bbb... bbbb... bbbb-b-b-aaaaahhh haaa haaaa waaaaaaaaaah!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Waaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Er...
Waaaaaaaaaaah! Why I can't I be a REAL Prime Minister, like Tony Blair, in a REAL country, like George Bush?!?!? Waaaaaaah, waaaaaa-a-a-a-ATCHOOO!!! Waaaaaaaahhh...

 

Outgoing Australian PM John Howard finally gets to meet incoming Indonesian Premier Megawarti Sukarnoputri...
Awright? Come here often?
Hello. You may call me Mega. I thought perhaps we might discuss the boat people situation?
Er... you know, as a Muslim country, we have our concerns about the bombing of Afghanistan...
Huh huh... you're wearing PYJAMAS... uh, huh huh huh...
!!!

 

(In a very long time...)
Nggggh, there's a joke in here somewhere...!
Er... ho ho! That Netherlands is so crazy, even their Nazis are poofs!
Er...
Seems I've forgotten how to do cartoons. Never mind.

 

Fuck your Pope, you potato-eating Fenian bastards...
So! Uh...
Read any good books lately?
Ten pounds says you're meant to be doing a major essay.
Yeah, and I'm drunk!

 

(We're the UVF!!!?!)
I was reading about these MI5 agents who collaborated with paramilitary loyalist death squads to murder Catholic lawyers and suchlike.
I say.
Sounds like that might be a good career move for me after I graduate. I reckon I'd be alright at that.
What about rock 'n' roll stardom?
Yeah, well, either way it looks like I'll die before my time.
Pity. You had such high hopes.

 

Ach, sigh. Can't believe I'm back in Glasgow of all places. I had such a wonderful life in Sydney, and now my world has collapsed and the future holds only boredom.
Well, it could be a lot worse - you might be Holly Wells' dad, for instance.
Er... which one was she? The one on the right in that photo looked quite hot, for an eight-year-old.
Hmmm; a bit too old and female for my tastes.
Anyway, as I was about to say - the only thing that would cheer me up right now is an unprecedented military strike on Iraq.
For Christ's sake, grow up.

 

Now then. I've just been reading this compelling book, 'The Trial of Christopher Hitchens' by Henry Kissinger.
I think you mean that the other way round.
WhatEVRRRR. Anyway - I am now convinced that the USA, contrary to my previous understandings, is in fact an evil empire, a fascist dictatorship which stops at nothing in its quest for global tyranny.
Really?
Oh, wait... actually, no.
You're bad.

 

Ach! I hate being back in Glasgow! I had two cracking burds on the go in Oz, and the Scottish winter will soon start to bite, and all the while the grim spectre of Senior Honours looms ever larger!
B-b-b-b-but... but you went through hell and back in your relationship with Belinda, and you practically starved cos of the appalling food in International House, plus your flat before that was...
... infestit with roaches, plus your flatmate before that was a psycho, plus you spent all summer - all summer - in casinos and strip clubs! And now you get to live in a place with a swimming pool!
Yeah, but...
But what?!?

 

On the Arab street...
Right - I have another good reason, as if I didn't have plenty already, as to why we should go and bomb fuck out of Saddam Hussein and his pals.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. The fact is, they've been supplying arms and funds to dissident Irish republican groups, thereby helping them plan and execute terrorist attacks on the British mainland.
What?!? That's total crap! You just made that up to satisfy your sinister ultra-right agenda, namely the justification of the poor pun in the title of this strip!
Nook 'em, George!
Scumble, I've been rumbled!
This breathtaking mixture of conspiracy, falsehood, flagrant disregard for human life and human rights, and downright stupidity, can only be described as Kissingerian...

 
You kiltit those two little girls, didn't you?
Uh-oh...

 

At class -
...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
There are issues of archival copyright and data protection. Sometimes copyright is given with the collection, or sometimes held by heirs sdhfuihsdnf hobsbawm hufhnskdfijnvjsdifhvn sidfninnjvcnsj hfu
The name's Ash. Bad Ash. And now that I've told you that I'll have to kill you...
Oh, Nicky, will you make love to me constantly when we're back in Cancun?
Night and dGAAAAAA!
Mayes! Attention! French 1950s steel output! Get to it!

 

The guy on the left was an Irish labourer. The woman on the right was an American student addressing a Scotsman.
The difference between Scotland and Ireland is that Scotland's got their independence now.
Say, did you do degrees in America or something? Cos your English is quite good.
I'm not making this up. These two were students as well.
I don't agree with bin Laden but I can see where he's coming from. Before this 'Western empire' they had a lot of cultural diversity and communal systems, and traded happilly along the Silk Road.
You know, those guys who flew those planes into the Trade Towers, they just want peace, you know?
Meanwhile, an unrelated conversation I once had -
The problem with this world is that it's full of fucking stupid idiots.
Yeah, but think how much worse things would be if we let the so-called intelligent people run the place!

 

Having been rather impressed by a certain Oscar Wilde play, I decided to take financial matters into my own hands...
Okay, 70p per litre, that's £20 exactly mate.
What are you talking about? Everyone knows a gentleman never has any money.
I trust that you enjoyed your meal, and have an pleasant stay here in London. Your bill comes to £370 please, sir.
What are you talking about? Everyone knows a gentleman never has any money.
Right, your trial's set for two weeks today. You're free to go until then. Bail's five hundred quid.
What are you talking about? Everyone knows a gentleman never has any money.

 

 

 

I refer the Rt. Hon. Gentleman to the entry given for 'Chad' some moments ago.
This raises important legal questions.

 

 
Er... kiddy-on this is a proper trident, not a rocket.

 

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