All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
7-18-02
This film was smuggled to us 2 1/2 years ago. Notice how the ashes turn into fire, which becomes a healthy cowboy.
And the cop's just standing there? You're telling me he didn't bust him?
No can do. They secretly repealed the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
Then ... all physics ... is phully ... and phorever ... phucked?

 

by kaufman
7-19-02
Greetings. We at Stick Mining Services are telling you that you have been drafted for the great Space Mine. You will leave for training soon.
HAHAHA! You? In a mine? HAHAHA! Can I come live in your shaft, lay eggs, and perform exquisite symphonies for my children?
This all doesn't seem rational. A space mine? Why the hell did this happen? Oh well...might as well go. Who knows? Maybe I'll be a hero!
Never mind you, I will make great art. I will lead poetry readings among my kind. My silicon shell will smell ... beautiful thanks to you. Now let's beam away!
I'll do it!! Stick Stickerson: Hero of the Federation mining colony! It has a nice ring to it! But can't you please have that noxious smell I love so much?
No way, dumbass. Don't you know, you can lead a horta culture, but you can't make them stink.

 

by kaufman
7-20-02
One day in San Francisco ...
Uhura, you go with Chekov and look for the nuclear wessels.
Can't this wait, Captain? I think the fog's about to roll in off the bay.
I'm ... getting dew on my toupee!
Look at the bright side, Captain. At least now you can sneak the whales out without anyone noticing.

 

by kaufman
7-25-02
Hey, what are these packages?
Be careful, they're my new invention. Packages of powdered water. Just add hydrogen hydroxide, and foom!
Cool. Let me add a drop ...
bllblblblblblllb!
Still a few bugs to work out. That sounded more like a boom than a foom.

 

by kaufman
7-28-02
972

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
Hey, Herman, why the long face?
I sure miss that Spanish-speaking cow. She was a real cutie!
I remember talking to her last week...
Hola, vaca bonita.
Hola, caballo.
Como estas?
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuy bien!

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
But to make a long story short, that was quite the portent of things to come. First, a giant tsunami rolled out of nowhere, sweeping away Denise. I barely rode out the wave.
Whoooooaaaa!
Washed ashore in the mountains, I ran off, pursued by a fleet of stealth helicopters.
There he is, boys!
My final thought as all went black again was, man, scorpion stings *do* hurt!
*THUD*
That's it for Part 3.

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
There's no narration this comic. Can't a guy come to in peace?
Oh my goodness, Rex. He looks hurt... His foot... he must have been stung by Willy. Bad Willy! Bad scorpion.
We ought to take him back to the farmhouse where he can get some proper rest.
Never mind. I was suddenly quite alert.
I'm sure none of my 14 daughters will mind sharing a room with him.

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
Eureka! I've figured out how to save the world!
All I need to do is roll out of bed and flick on light (A) ...
... which will send cockroach (B) scurrying under wall (C) ...

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
But because he's been gorging on crumbs (D), the roach will be too fat, and will undermine the support, causing house (E) to collapse.
Cindy the Seismic Squirrel who Thinks She's a Chimp (F) will detect the resulting tremor, causing scientist (G) to reward her.
chitter chitter 4.9 chitter!
Good girl. Here's a banana for you.
Hours later, discarded banana peel (H) will trip up janitor (I)...
The oscilloscope needs dusting!

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
The blood (J) from where she hit her head will attract land shark (K)...
who will be tracked down by fisherman (L)...
who will celebrate by drinking seven beers (M1, M2, ..., M7) with friend (N)...
Gimme another.
Here you go.

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
So he goes into bathroom (O) to empty himself. But within the gallons of urine (P) going down the drain ...
...is an undigested shark tooth (Q) that cuts through the plumbing (R) into an uncharted subterranean hydrogen gas chamber (S).
The hydrogen vents to the surface, causing all sorts of things (T) to spontaneously combust. Oh, the humanity!

 

by kaufman
7-29-02
Thinking that the combustion of the Vice President (U) was caused by Osama bin Laden (V), the President (W) orders that all the earth's hydrogen be put onto a rocket (X) and sent into the sun (Y).
Buh-bye!
Five billion years later, the sun becomes a red giant, swallowing up all the inner planets in the solar system, including Earth.
Artist's conception. Not drawn to scale.
Yum!
But not now, I'm about to turn on the light, thereby preventing the sun from exhausting its hydrogen supply in five billion years and turning into a planet killer!
Oh shit, I didn't pay my electric bill, did I?

 

by kaufman
7-30-02
Ok, I'm going to resurrect this dead chick and have sex with her.
Not that one. Find another chick.
Why not this one? You want her?
Are you kidding? Read her gravestone!
Here lies Emily Jorgenson, Jan 15 1861-Nov 24 1876, Loving and devoted yada yada yada ...
See? SHE'S UNDERAGE!

 

by kaufman
7-30-02
Ding dong.
Yes?
BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!
I've got a hot '69 show from the Fillmore playing. Shall I make you a copy?
SURE!

 

by kaufman
7-30-02
Let's see what you all have learned. You're doing a comic about a guy digging up female corpses to screw. How do you make it funny?
He speaks solely in rhyming haiku.
Just as they're reaching climax, the girl's father comes up and says, "Moh."
I create a new character, Mickey the Mad Maggot.
I shoehorn in puns naming all 206 bones in the human body.

 

by kaufman
8-01-02
What a joke! You want to put ME in jail? Never mind how many drinks I *hic* had, ossifer, there are hundreds of more dangerous *hic* drivers on the road. You should arrest THEM.
Yeah, right. Show me one bigger risk on the road than you.
just 30 seconds later...
See that guy talking on a cell phone and tossing his cigarette butt out of that SUV with cream-colored tags and headlights blaring in broad daylight?
Yeah, what about him?
I ask you, who is the bigger driving hazard? Me or a psycopathic eco-rapist drug-addicted litterbug from New Jersey who is not paying attention to the road?
Okay, no ticket. This time you get off with just a warning.

 

by kaufman
8-01-02
Slashing problem?
We ain\\\'t got no slashing problem.

 

by kaufman
8-02-02
One day on the fat farm...
So I says, "Well, them complex carbohydrates ain't gonna generate glycogen by themselves."
Ha, ha!
Now, tell me again why they call you Slim?

 

by kaufman
8-02-02
Strange noises and crop circles. What could they mean?
Look, daddy, there's a sign in the next panel. Maybe that will explain things a bit.
WARNING: The next panel contains heavy spoilers regarding this movie.
What's it mean?
It means we're going home. I haven't seen "Signs" yet, and I don't want it ruined for me.

 

by kaufman
8-04-02
Hmmmm, there's a tag on that matress. I wonder what it says ...
Rrrrrippp!
Ha, that's the silliest thing I've ever read. I'll show them ...
Freeze, motherfucker! You're under arrest!

 

by kaufman
8-04-02
The sign says this is an old Indian graveyard, and bad things will happen to anyone who disturbs it. I don't want to dig for treasure. I want to go home.
Are you chicken or something? I'm staying. I'm not afraid of any big bad spirits!
Who disturbed my place of rest? Prepare to passively resist my ectoplasm, you Anglo villain!
Waaaaaah!
The next morning
Does anybody know why Calvin isn't in school today?
I know, Miss Taylor. It's because he was getting buttraped by Gandhi's ghost all night.

 

by kaufman
8-05-02
o/' Never never never gonna give you up
Ok, boy, I'm going to play some music. See what you think. Here's some Barry White.
Huh? I thoiught you were going to put on some music. I don't hear anything.
o/' La la la la la, Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Try some Minnie Ripperton.
There. That's coming through loud and clear.
Barely audible to you and me
Let's see what you think of Mariah.
Yip yip yip yip yip! AOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

by kaufman
8-06-02
ENJOY YOURSELF, ADAM, BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL YOU EAT THESE APPLES, LEST YOU FALL ILL AND DIE.
Yes, yes, I understand. No apples. No apples for me.
Thank you for your offer, but I can't eat any of those apples. The big guy forbade it.
Did he now? Oh well, I'll just go have a word with him.
What's the big deal? He can lose a few pounds this way.
Come off it, Atkins, he only weighs 135. I dare say it's far more unhealthy the way he thinks you're God!

 

by kaufman
8-07-02
Space, the final frontier...
"Don't fuck the green bitch." They gave me that warning in Academy, Starfleet included it in their orders, even Spock and McCoy told me not to.
Well, I'm the Captain. It's ... my shore leave. And ... I am going to ... fuck the green bitch. What could happen?
Captain, what happened to your hair?
Stow it, Uhura.

 

by kaufman
8-07-02
The procession continued.
My name is Jane. I'm a biology major, so I know how best to suck the venom out of your wound. With me here, you're not going to die.
And my name is Susan. I'll just slaughter one of our cattle and cook up a fresh steak for you.
This was getting better and better. All my past troubles were forgotten.
I am Matilda. Allow me to soothe you with the music of my harp.
I'm Twiggy. I will recite some of my award-winning poerty.
Almost.
Call me Gail. I just tucked our youngest sister, Althea, into bed, and I'm ready to do the same for you.
I'm Sandra. Liquor normally doesn't affect me this way, but I just had a bloody Mary, and for some reason it's making me want to kill YOU!

 

by kaufman
8-07-02
The transformation rolled into overdrive.
Hey, look what else daddy left out ...
His lizard suit!
And look what else!
His Mark VII Ultra-deluxe retainer!
Dibs on ...
the oversized hooded sweatshirt and sickle!

 

by kaufman
8-07-02
You've got to help me, Doc. My paws just won't stop aching!
Hmmm... how long have you had this condition?
Must be a few weeks now. Yeah, I first noticed it right after I found another new cave to sleep in.
A new one, huh? Just how many caves do you have now?
Let's see. One, two, three, ... I think, yeah, I have ten now.
Well, there's your problem! You're suffering from tendenitis.

 

by kaufman
8-07-02
What's the status of this month's issue?
Pretty good, but we're a little light in the Forum section. Think you can whip off a letter? Maybe about a threesome?
How's this? Dear Penthouse, I was doing my clothes at the all-night laundromat. It was empty at 3 AM, and the place wasn't air conditioned ...
... so I'd stripped down, exposing my 38-D's. Suddenly, the door flew open, and in walked Mario Lemieux and Burgess Meredith. Immediately, ...
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PENGUINS!

 

by kaufman
8-07-02
Before I knew it, the old man had wrapped me in carbon paper, then Wendy covered that in Saran Wrap, then Twiggy wrapped the whole mess in duct tape.
There, doesn't that look nice?
mmmmmph!
Followed by Jane with the gauze, Susan with the velcro, Matilda with the pine needles, and Ling with the string of lights. I couldn't move a muscle.
Perfect! Your turn, Gail!
But before Gail could apply the next layer, down the stairs came little Althea!
Daddy, I need to warn you!
Yes, my psychic daughter, what's going to happen?

 

by kaufman
8-08-02
Honey, take a look. The gargoyles on this building are magnificent!

 

by kaufman
8-09-02
Happy birthday, sweetheart. I got you a very special present.
Ooh! Tell me about it.
Well, I know how much you hate the taste of semen, so I went to the urologist today and had surgery.
Now all Willy will shoot are small pieces of brick-shaped fruit-flavored candy. You can suck me off again!
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PEZ GROIN!

 

by kaufman
8-09-02
Hoppy bird died
You could jump up higher than I could. Therefore I have killed you!
Rex hell
We have to spend eternity in this horrible place?
Yes, but at least there's nobody here but us tyrannosauri.
And mini-moh'er
Look down there. It's a microscopic skeleton!
moh.

 

by kaufman
8-09-02
Hey Brad, I've invented an in-strip comic counter, so you'll always know how many comics you've written. Think anyone would be interested?
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
8-10-02
What has we gots in our pocketses?
My birthday present?
It is preciousssss!

 

by kaufman
8-11-02
Ladies and gentlemen! High above the center ring, Belle the Telephone is performing her death-defying tightrope walk!
That phone act stinks. Death-defying? I can see the wires holding it up!
Sick and tired of those embarrasing moments? Join the 21st century. It's time to go wireless!

 

by kaufman
8-11-02
As Gail reapproached me in her awful getup, I thought of Althea's words. If she was a prophet, I was doomed to be eaten by this lot. But if she foretold the past, that meant it had already happened.
But that made no sense whatsoever. If I was already eaten ... at that point, something in my logic circuits exploded.
I was free, and surrounded by the inferno set off by the sparks of my explosive escape.

 

by kaufman
8-11-02
Norfolk, 1862
What in tarnation are you?
I am Robo-Hernandez, sir, a new invention designed to serve in the Confederate infantry.
You are, huh? Well, can you kill Yankees?
Can I? Why, ... Hey, what's that over there?
That? Oh, that's the Merrimac, our newest ironclad battleship.
Sorry, I've fallen in love. Gotta go. Honey, wait for me!

 

by kaufman
8-12-02
Montana State Penitentiary, 2202
What are you in for?
Violating the First Law. I allowed a human to come to harm.
You did? Where? What happened?
I was in Billings. I rear-ended a man.
Rectum???
No, thank goodness. He was driving a Volvo, and he had his seatbelt on.

 

by kaufman
8-12-02
Dave, I have an idea. Just for fun, today I'll be the user, and you be the computer.
Ok, that sounds fun.
... and that should do it for my email. Now let's play some freecell. Game 14916. Black 8 on red 9.
Sorry, you have no more legal moves. You lose.
Drat. Time to get serious anyway. Open Microsoft Word. Time to work on my resume.
A fatal error has occurred. Please reboot.

 

by kaufman
8-12-02
My greatest invention yet! The Kaufmic-o-bot will be able to generate hundreds of high-quality comics every minute.
I have 504,342 puns on the word "coprophagy." Inputting all of them in the form of comics NOW.
I really want to win this contest. Thenkfully, the Roborite-5000 can generate millions of original and funny comics every day.
Today I comiced topics from "Aardvark" to "Acropolis." Tomorrow, I will get to "affinity" and beyond!
... incredible spike in volume due to automated communication programs has shut down the entire internet.
Oh, thank goodness.

 

by kaufman
8-12-02
3.8 nanosec ... Huh? Why are you all looking at me? It was 3.8 nanoseconds. You must be kidding. *I* have to eat the microchip?

 

by kaufman
8-12-02
Darn it, Jason, I thought I told you to turn out the light when we left.
And I did.
You have GOT to be kidding! You obviously didn't. Are you blind? Take a look in there, and tell me what you see.
It was OUT, I tell you, O-U-T, OUT! Get that through your pointy little head. And get yourself a seeing eye dog.
Sony recalled its McEnrobots today, saying that when brought into close proximity with one another, they're likely to destroy each other.
I hope they had no-fault insurance.

 

by kaufman
8-13-02
The Romans were the founders of our civilization. They wore bedsheets. The carnivores ate aqua ducks, and the herbivores ate Caesar salads.
So? What happened to them?
Under the caligusauri, they got decadent and their civilization fell. They went into the dark ages. There were no bronto-burgers; no Starbucks!
Like what's happening to us now.
Right. Except we didn't get to enjoy the orgies first.
Well ... you wanna?

 

by kaufman
8-13-02
This invading countries thing is getting too boring.
I've got an idea. I'll dress up as Paul Simon, you dress up as Art Garfunkel, and we'll see who gets the better countries.
Hello dictator, my old friend, I've come to take your land again.
Ok, I surrender!
I GOT IRAQ!
I GOT AN IRELAND!

 

by kaufman
8-13-02
Suddenly, a brilliant idea struck me.
I'll narrate in Braille!
....*....*........*...*....*...*....*....**.. ..*....**.......**.....*..**.........*....*.. .......*..........*...*....*...*..............
Help! I can't see!
Where did that seeing eye dog come from?
yipyipyipyipyip!

 

by kaufman
8-13-02
So you're on your last breaths at the bottom of a shark-infested sea, and you wonder what could be worse?
And as you're starting to black out, you see Godzilla and the Creature from the Black Lagoon have crashed the party, and you doubt things can get any worse ...
But then the Creature utters three little words that send a chill down your spine, and you know things have hit bottom. You're taking a lot more abuse before this day is over.
End part four.

 

by kaufman
8-14-02
What am I to do, Dr. Stallman? I want to put Unix utilities on my computer, but they're so expensive!
If you think you have to pay, you're mistaken. You really needn't --- GNU is ...
Wait a second. Did you say "needn't GNU"?
KER-TRANSFORM!
Someday everything's gonna be different. When I paint my masterpiece.
BOB DYLAN!
Numb nay never ding nun of me nefferdent. Nen my rain nine astro niece!

 

by kaufman
8-14-02
Well, I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants me to be just like them.
Dylbert, I want you to have that report on the report on the report on the agenda ready by 3:00.
Mel diet jai-alai pesto bijou strike a yam, mutt never money Ponce neato bijou Mike & Stan.
How does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home, a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?
I can't beleieve I've been laid off. Where will I steal my office supplies? I'll have to do nothing at home!
Now scuzzy veal newbie Juan Peron mithril erection dome, yucca PETA gnome, mica gnoll in scone!
Get sick, get well, hang around an inkwell, ring bell, hard to tell if anything is goin' to sell.
I made a fortune in day-trading, Dylbert. How was your day?
Mets nick, net swell, Bangor Rhonda mink quell, king Mel, Martin hell and Fanny tinkle iguana spell.

 

by kaufman
8-14-02
Until 1917, President Wilson had kept the United States out of World War I, until ...
Mr. President! We just intercepted a telegram Germany sent to Mexico.
This could be important. What does it say?
"Now ninny dyes mustard manna falls lye implore turf a river pant? Announcer Nerf Endust N'awlins sandy mint!"
That's it! I want us to declare war on Germany.
And that's the story of the Zimmerman Telegram.
Gabe, I know you're a big Dylan fan, but it was a different Zimmerman. I have to give you a C-.

Showing page 20.

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