All comics by B8

 

by B8
1-24-04
Hello civilian!
Hey Superjerk! What do you need to use the bus stop for, you jerk?
Whoa. What did I do to you? I'm your local superhero, for god's sake. You should love me. Love me!
You flaunt your godlike powers and expect us lowly "civilians" to worship you? You're no god, you're a dangerous freak in silly tights! You and your kind ruins human achievement!
Are you trying to prove how indie you are or just trying out to be my Lex Luthor?
Crap, he figured me out!

 

by B8
1-24-04
Hello there, civilian!
Hey handsome. What's a strapping young superfellow like yourself doing waiting at a bus stop when he could be flying places?
Well, see, I'm trying to keep out of the sky. Had an incident with another super person up there. Let's just say that no matter what Stupendous Sister says, she doesn't want in the Mile High Club.
That's too bad. Well, I could always give you a ride. And I don't mean in a car!
That's cool. I'll just wait for the bus.
What a dumb ass! Can't he tell when he's in the presence of a super groupie?

 

by B8
1-24-04
Hello, robot civilian!
Hello Local Super Hero! Can I ask you a question? It's for an unbiased political poll.
Certainly, my merry mechanical mate.
Which Democratic Presidential candidate do you like?
I dunno. I try to stay out of politics. But I do hope it's someone who's in favor of universal healthcare who gets the nomination.
I'm sorry, but the right answer was "None. George Bush rules!" You have failed the conservobot test and must die!

 

by B8
1-25-04
Hello civillian! Here to congragulate me for saving your skinny, war dissenting, porn watching behind from the Conservobot?
Hell no! Your mindless brawling ruined my acoustic set at the coffee house! I had them eating out of the palm of my hand before you showed up and dropped that Espresso Machine on it, Superjerk!
Dude, I have super hearing, trust me; I did you a favor!
Seriously, did you think that anyone wanted to hear an acoustic version of Seven Nation Army? With a ten minute rap in the middle?
I hate you so much.

 

by B8
1-25-04
Hello again, snooty civilian!
Hey Superjerk. So, now that I know why you got in the fight with Conservobot, I hate you even more.
Why's that, my not-as-indie-as-he-thinks-he-is- friend?
You want to vote for a candidate who will provide universal healthcare. What the hell do you need universal health care for? You're invulnerable!
Well yeah, to lame human diseases. But what do you think's going to happen if some mad scientist cooks up something that puts robots in my veins or gives me some kind of alien flu or something?
It's not MY problem if your HMO doesn't cover that stuff, man, so I sure as hell don't wanna pay for it!

 

by B8
1-25-04
Parents, it's 6:00; do you know what your college student is doing?
I can tell you what they're not doing; studying.
That's right, your son or daughter has better things to do.
Dude, you wanna get high, drunk, and become involved in other states of inebriation that will inhibit your mental abilities?
Only after I have studied a full six hours without watching television. No, I am kidding. I think will be busy having sex with a girl I do not know and dishonoring my family though. Maybe tomorrow!
The preceding announcement was paid for by the Evil Little Girl Genius Coalition for Smarter Henchmen
Chilling, isn't it?
Yes. Especially since these ignorami are the kind of people we will be forced to use as henchmen. Please, implore your childern to study in school so they can be prepared for today's evil plans.

 

by B8
1-25-04
Hello, wang obsessed civillian!
Don't look at his super package, don't look at his super package...
Anything you want to talk about? I'm here to wrap with the common folk about... whatever it is you powerless folks talk about. Hard candy, maybe?
He said hard! He's fucking with me! He wants me to look at his super package!
Oh look, someone dropped a dollar! Right over there by my feet!
I looked at it. Now I feel terribly inadequate, but much more comfortable. Man, those pants leave nothing to the imagination.

 

by B8
1-27-04
Hey Space Pimp! What's the word, brother man?
Hey, cracker ass!
You sound hostile. Is the man holding you down?
You even have to ask? Of course! But that ain't my problem.
What is it then, my pimpin' chum?
It's you! You're standing on my corner and cutting down on my business! Step off, bitch, or I'll Krypto-Cut you!

 

by B8
1-27-04
So...
Yeah...
Mm-hmm.
Yup.
Meeting a clone for the first time is always akward.
Meeting a clone for the first time is always akward.

 

by B8
1-27-04
Where is that darn bus?
I think it stopped running on account of the apocalypse and all. Think you can bum a ride from that Australian dude look for water. I hear he's mad!

 

by B8
2-08-04
Who summons me!
That's right, I got Cthulhu to back me up, Short Round!
Who summons me!
You're in for it now! He's gonna go tentacle mad on your ass!
No really, who summons me? I don't appreciate it. I was on vacation, you know!
Wait; you can do that? I don't remember that being in the brochure!

 

by B8
2-08-04
Just a minute! We're negotiating!
So, am I going to be driven mad by squid boy over there, or can I get my carving knife ready? Either one's fine with me at this point.
If you leave me the hell alone, I promise to drive you mad and devour you quicker than most of my victims when I'm once again unleashed on this plane and don't have four nights booked at Club Med.
Deal!
Aw, shaddup, ya overgrown garden decoration!
Wow, you sure do drive a hard bargain!

 

by B8
2-08-04
I have you cornered in your lab, Dr. Manhattan! There is no escape, even for one such as you. Now, prepare for unstoppable ninja vengeance which cannot be stopped!
One use of Manhattan's god like power later:
Man, we gotta start picking our jobs better.

 

by B8
2-09-04
You know, Sparky, sometimes I think about how you're gonna die many years before I do, and it makes me sad.
But then I realise that God put you on this Earth to make me learn the meaning of loss, and prepare me for when I start losin' humans I love.
Yeah, I think about that too. Being a plot device in the story that is your life doesn't really make me very happy, you self absorbed jerk. If that's the way it is, I want a chew toy, damn it!

 

by B8
2-12-04
We are the five Cute Asian Evil Genius Girls in one! You can't not defeat our combined power and adorableness!
We are the five Cute Asian Evil Genius Girls in one! You can't not defeat our combined power and adorableness!
We are the five Cute Asian Evil Genius Girls in one! You can't not defeat our combined power and adorableness!
We are the five Cute Asian Evil Genius Girls in one! You can't not defeat our combined power and adorableness!
We are the five Cute Asian Evil Genius Girls in one! You can't not defeat our combined power and adorableness!
Yeah, well, that means you're the Five Asian Genius Girls in need of a serious ass kicking in one, too!

 

by B8
2-12-04
Okay. Remember the plan. This time, we attack as a group, not one at a time.
All right! Got it! This time, we make this fool recognize, black ninja stylee!
What did I tell you about the slang crap, Jerry? Cut it out, man. You're making us look bad!
I don't know, man. I kinda like it. "My skills are strong, f'sizzle!"
All of you, shut up! I've found the guy. Get ready to attack! We can take this one!
Don't make me use my elf hand on you, ninjizle.

 

by B8
2-14-04
I wasn't going to give you anything for Valentine's Day, momma.
I mean, for one, it's a souless corporate holiday with little meaning.
Why is it that I'm obligated to say how much I love you on one day of the year? And why is it that I can only say it with expensive candy and flowers?
Well, I mean I in a general sense. I can't speak unless Brad says some dumb crap for me and no one will pay me just for being cute.
So, I wasn't going to give you anything for Valentine's.
Until Brad reminded me that you pay for my food. So, Happy Valentine's Day!

 

by B8
2-14-04
Didn't you used to have a sandwhich board?
Shirt more efficient.
Hey, didn't you used to be naked?
Naked is a meaningless concept. The position of nuetrinos...
Haven't I met you before? You seem awfully familiar.
No. Must have been some other monosyllabic loner.

 

by B8
2-14-04
Ninja as an infant
It's a boy! I'll name him Black Ninja, after my father.
Ninja as a teenager
Make me proud son.
I will, dad. I'll be the best darn Black Ninja ever!
Ninja five days after leaving home
My boy went to his death as cannon fodder in a meaningles battle. That's best honor a black ninja can achieve. His corpse brings me much honor. Unlike my other son, the walking corpse.
Why can't you ever let that go!

 

by B8
2-14-04
Hey Squirrel. Where have you been?
Just gathering nuts, Gabe old buddy. Would you like some?
I do like the occasional nut. What kind are they?
Oh, they're good. I think you'd like THESE NUTS IN YOUR MOUTH!
Thanks folks, we'll be here all week.
Tip your waitresses. They might be willing to sleep with you!

 

by B8
2-14-04
It's good that you're wearing that Space Suit. I certainly wish I had one to insulate me from your terrible singing!
Your singing has a lot in common with the brimstone that fills hell; it stinks!
You have a beautiful voice, but I don't like your look. Too "crazy right wing nut." The mask has to go!

 

by B8
2-14-04
Dude, where are my pants?
I don't know. I don't notice much, because every moment I live is a moment of sheer agony!
Dude, where are my pants?
Your pants are made of an equal number of ions and neutrons. They are an abstract concept.
Dude, where are my pants? Seriously. I had them when I went out last night.
I have seen them. They are in the deepest, foulest pits of hell! You must have really been fucked up last night to get there.

 

by B8
2-14-04
Inspired by The Name Story from Harvey Pekar's American Splendor
I have a very unique name. Fluffers. I was teased for it when I was a kitten.
It's not a common name. There were many people who I encountered, both human and feline, who thought my name was Fluffy. That became tiresome.
One of my frineds once made an admittedly good joke about remembering my name. "What kind of people keep porn stars penises erect?"
"Fluffers."
Amazingly, I still clean him with my tongue.

 

by B8
2-15-04
You may have much skill and guile with a blade, but I am far more fierce, and my beard is cooler than your thin, sickly Pirate 'stache.
Got me there. That is a very manly beard.
I have to say, though, that your cousin the Buccaneer is much cooler than my brother the Privateer.
Well, he does own his own football team. He even poses for the logo. Puts the sword between his teeth and everything.
What's your stance on the Sherpa/Shaman and Ninja/Seal debates? I'm on the fence, to be honest. You could call me a Swing Viking, if ya wanted your head cleaved in.
Can't beat a Sherpa or a Ninja, I always say. And a Ninja with Sherpa skills? Forget it. That's way cooler than even a Ninja Seal, and that's plenty cool.

 

by B8
2-15-04
Wow, it seems that I can communicate with myself in the future. What's up, future me?
Not much.
This black barrier's kinda weird. Never noticed it before.
Yeah. It seprates you then from me now.
So, anything interesting happen to me in the future?
Nah. You pretty much just sit here the rest of the day and think about your wang, and how much you want to murder Tycho. You know, the usual.

 

by B8
2-15-04
I don't believe this.
Really. He's totally dishonoring us.
Of all the impertinent things he could do.
That's too far, even for us. And we slit people's throats for nickles!
We've been over this Jerry, you have to wear the same costume as everyone else. Black Ninjas dress as a group or they don't dress at all.
So I have the option of going to the fight naked? Groovy!

 

by B8
2-15-04
What's with the motion blur?
Oh, sorry about that, chum. You seem to be caught in one of my pateneted "fly so fast you time travel" waves. Happens from time to time.
So I'm headed to the future. Great. You don't look like you're flying. You look like you're standing still and posing like an ass.
Yeah. To the untrained mortal eye. I'm what they call deceptively fast.
O-kay. One more thing; what's with the buldge?
Let me just give you this piece of advice; a little Viagra goes a loooong way.

 

by B8
2-15-04
So, this is the future. What am I supposed to do?
I don't know. Wander around, see how many old landmarks are destroyed or floating in the ocean, look at how drastically changed familar faces are. Just don't get attached.
All right. Any other advice?
Yeah. Don't meet your future self. That never ends well. Because it ends the universe.
Yeah, I'll watch out for that. Ooh, my sandwhich travelled through time with me!
Hey, I used to like sandwhiches, back when I was younger and fatter. That was before the John Belushi Aliens enslaved everyone and made us reinact Animal House every day, of course.

 

by B8
2-15-04
What are you babbling about, old man?
Nothing. Just that you remind me a lot of me. Probably just old memories coming back to me. Or senility.
Probably. But Fior Henderschmackt doesn't suffer old fools, so go one.
Your name's Fior Henderschmackt? I thought I was the only one.
One Universe Ending Later...
Apparently you are.
Aw man, are you my past self? My daddy always told me not to talk to you, back when I was you. Shit this is confusing. Where are my pills?

 

by B8
2-17-04
I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna kick his ass!
I dunno. He's pretty tough. I don't think it's a good idea. Just let it go.
No way. He pisses me off way too much for Ninja Forgiveness! I'm going right down to where he works and settle this, once and for all.
Fine. I can't stop you. It's a manner of honor and you must fight to the death, blah blah blah. Kinda wanted your CD player anyway.
Your flamboyant outfit has annoyed me long enough! Prepare to die, Matador!
Geez, don't sneak up on me like that! You could have given me a heart attack!

 

by B8
2-17-04
Prepare for ninja justice, flamboyant bull fighter!
Uh, okay. First off, I have a sword and you're unarmed. How is this a fair fight?
My fists are the only weapons I need! The fact that I have feet means I have an excess of weapons!
All right then. Second question. Can this wait 'til later. I'm kind of in the middle of work and all here. I'll be happy to skewer you later.
That better mean you're a coward and not that there's a bull behind me...

 

by B8
2-17-04
Are you, like, the new matador or something?
Wow, you're a talking bull!
Yeah. Know what else I am?
A peaceful, Ninja loving bull?
Yep. If by that you mean an angry, Ninja goring bull.
I liked you a lot better when you weren't threatening me.

 

by B8
2-17-04
Many months of intensive care later.
I think I got something out of my encounter with the bull.
Besides 6 months in a body cast?
Indeed. I learned that I don't have any reason to be pissed off at the Matador.
Good. I'm glad you came to that conclusion.
I realized that he's not my problem. That stuck up Monk who kills people by looking at them is! He thinks he's so great!
What, did the horns go through your ass up in to your brain?

 

by B8
2-18-04
Turn around and meet your doom, snobby monk!
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not. You afraid you'll wet your little monk dress, dress wearing monk girl.
No. I'm afraid that I will unleash the full force of my chi upon you if I look you in the eyes, causing you to die instantly.
A likely excuse!
It usually works.

 

by B8
2-18-04
Hours later...
... and your head is too shiny, and your robe looks like a dress, did I mention that?
I would love to continue to allow you to purge your anger, but I have a lot of meditation to do. Could you please go annoy someone else?
I'm annoying, huh? Why don't you say that to my face.
Fine. You're annoying! And your eyes have no pupils! How stupid is that!
Oh my god, what happened! Oh right. I killed him by looking at him. Damn my short term memory loss!

 

by B8
2-18-04
So there I was; I'd been goading him for hours, and then he finally turned around and stared straight at me.
Then how are you still alive?
I used my ninja gas bomb to escape. Damn fool thought he had made me explode. Should have seen the look on his face. It was priceless! He was all "I harmed one of Earth's delicate creatures!"
That is pretty funny. What are you going to do now that he thinks you're dead?
I dunno, maybe go over to his monastery and act like a ghost. But only if I'm bored.
Dude, let me get in on the action! I could say I was your twin looking for revenge and pull the same stunt. Wait, what am I saying? Is your stupidity contagious now?

 

by B8
2-21-04
I have years of ninja training on you, little girl, not to mention a ridiculous height advantage. How do you think you can stop me from taking revenge upon you for your jail bait ways?
With this. Hey ya!
Wow, look at him go.
I will have my revenge as soon as I stop flying backwards, you lolita!

 

by B8
2-21-04
Well, this is where I get off.
Janie, we've been talking for awhile, and I was wondering; would you like to go on a date with me this weekend?
Well, it's not that I don't think you're a good guy Sam but I can't.
Why not?
Well, I just don't think my boyfriend would approve. Hey, what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
Oh nothing, just looking for my heart. Pretty sure it's around here somewhere.

 

by B8
2-21-04
I'm here with the loser in the 2004 "Get Janie to go out with you" championships. How are you feeling, Sam.
Well, it was a tough loss, but I think I played my best. I just didn't come out on top this time, pardon the pun.
Reverse Angle Instant Replay
Why not?
Well, I don't think my bofriend would approve.
How does that make you feel, Sam, seeing yourself shot down in flames again.
Like having a lot of cocaine. Want some?

 

by B8
2-21-04
I'm here with the loser in the 2004 "Get Janie to go out with you" championships. How are you feeling, Sam?
Well, it was a tough loss, but I think I played my best. I just didn't come out on top this time, pardon the pun.
Added Sex and Violence Instant Replay
Why not?
Well, I don't think my bofriend would approve.
The reporter and Sam will now be replaced by more popular characters
How does that make you feel, Sam, seeing yourself shot down in flames again?
Like having a lot of cocaine. Want some?

 

by B8
2-23-04
Hey boy! Sure is good to see you after a hard day at work, balancing on that ball like that.
Oh, hi sweetie! Just let me get decent and I'll be right there!
Honey, I'm home!
You heard that. My husband's home. You have to go! Now!
So that's it? "Wham, bam, thank you roo!" That doesn't even rhyme!

 

by B8
2-23-04
Hey honey. I decided to just come on up and- yowza! That's a different look!
You like it, big boy? Why don't you come over here and have some fun?
Do I! Let me get cleaned up first.
Wait! Don't you want to take me now, before I'm not in the mood? After all, I can only work up this enthusiasm so many times in a day.
You've been this enthusiastic today? About what?
My... shampoo! That's it! Herbal Essences! Oh, oh, my hair is clean, and so on!

 

by B8
2-23-04
Man, she sure is acting funny. First she's coming on to me in her lingere, and next she's talking about shampoo induced orgasms. She's not usually this erotic before dinner.
Wonder what could have brought on a mood like that? What ever could it have been?
Maybe it was the sweet loving of a gun toting kangaroo terrorist? In fact, I'm sure it is, ya hairy poofter! Only one such as I could satisfy a woman like that!
I should be crushed, but looking at you from this vantage point, I just feel inadequate. Jeez, do usually have a case to carry that thing in?

 

by B8
2-23-04
Certainly is much cozier in here than in the closet, I'll say that.
What the hell are you doing here? Where is my husband? Did you do something to him?
Nothin' but tell him the truth. Poor sod looked numb. I think I crushed 'im, but hey, it had to be come out eventually.
Damn it, that wasn't your decision to make! What gave you the right?
Oh come on. What's the worst that can happen, now that it's out in the open?

 

by B8
2-23-04
Turn around and face me or I'll shoot you in the back, you bastard!
That was a rhetorical question, you know.
Your sparkling wit won't save you now, pouch fucker!
Pouch fucker? How did you know what your wife's pet name for me was?

 

by B8
2-23-04
I killed him...
You bastard, how could you?
Well, beyond the fact that he was having sex with my wife and holding a gun on me, he was just damn insufferable.
But I loved him! He could be so sweet and thoughtful. And that gigantic dick of his was nice, too.
You know this thing is still loaded, right?

 

by B8
2-23-04
The Rabbits seperated. The Husband rabbit threw his energy in to the NRA, where he was quickly elected President due to his firey speeches.
They'll pry this gun from my cold dead paws!
His ex-wife went on to use the money she gained from the alimony settlement to travel the world, seeking a new husband.
Oh, you're rich and you own your own bow tie? I think I'm in love!
Stick with me, fraulien! We'll go places!
The Terror Roo went to hell.
Bugger!
You always say that! You act like you're in hell or something. Oh wait, you are. BWAHAHAHAHA!

 

by B8
2-28-04
Man, Marvel used to be really daring, but now they look like they're going to be crap!
Uh, I'm just here to buy some manga. Please stop talking about things I don't care about.
I mean, Fabian Nicieza and Scott Lobdell working there again? Flooding the market with Spider-Man and X-Men books? Rob fucking Liefeld doing Cable covers??? What, did I wake up in 1991?
Man, you like comic books? What a nerd. I'm going to laugh at you with all my gaming group tonight when we fight the balrog!
I blame Joe Quesada for all this.
Me, I blame Joe Quesadilla. He's a sentient quesadilla who makes the real decisions there now. He may not know comics, but he's delicious.

 

by B8
2-28-04
Please sir, spare some change! I'm a starving carnivour!
Why should I patronize you? What's in it for me?
I won't rip the flesh from your scaly body if you do.
You bums are getting more pushy every year.

 

by B8
2-28-04
If you're able bodied enough to tear me apart, why don't you get a job?
Well, I've had a few gigs, but I can't hold anything down. I worked at this theme park for awhile, but they weren't that organized, y'know? When the raptors formed a union it went to shit.
Did your old boss at least give you a refrence?
Nah, he was too busy trying not to be eaten by the raptors.
Jeez, talk about negotiations going south.

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