All comics by r2_d2

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by r2_d2
11-07-04
This really happened to me today:
Tom and I are trying to get to know all of the congregation, so we'd like to have you over for lunch next Sunday.
Oh, well, thanks.
(Keep in mind, though, that I've known Rev. and Mrs. V----- since July now.)
And bring your wife, too.
Um ...
You really are new here, huh?

 

by r2_d2
11-08-04
Could you take the Communion Elements up to the nursery staff?
Aye, Kep-tin!
Five minutes later, a moral dilemma:
Well, they gave me a bit more than I needed; dare I consume the leftovers?
I mean, is the Body of Christ perishable?  That seems a bit blasphemous, but it's just going to waste otherwise, right?
Ah, you're back!
Yeah, listen, could I get a refill on this wine?  Don't worry—I filled up on bread first, so I'm not getting drunk.

 

by r2_d2
11-10-04
I got a job with a new department.  They sent me here to get measured for a bulletproof vest.
Well, you've come to the right place.  Let's get you measured up.
For a woman, ensuring a proper, life-saving fit on a bulletproof vest requires the taking of a few "intimate" measurements, which Prudence and Dignity dictate we not show you.
But you're free to use your imagination!  Imagination opens doors, kids!
Twenty minutes later:
Okay, all finished!
I'm impressed.  Any other tailor would have needed a measuring tape at some point.

 

by r2_d2
11-15-04
R2 Fantasises About Quitting His Job:
What did you want to see me for?
I just wanted to say—in the words of Johnny Paycheck—"Take this job and shove it!"
Okay, you asked for it!
Ow! I didn't mean shove it there!
Ironically, shoving things there is exactly why your woman done left you and took all the reason you'd been working for.

 

by r2_d2
11-15-04
I've been asked to apologise for the ambigüity in my previous comic strip.
Apparently, some people didn't understand precisely where jobs were being shoved,
nor whether these jobs were being shoved there on my person,
or thereabouts upon my supposed woman.
Apparently, I'm supposed to insert a punchline here.  Damn—must everything be a joke with you people?
"Insert a punchline"?  Sign me up!

 

by r2_d2
11-17-04
It looks like you're getting a drink!  Would you like to use a cup template?
Is there something in this water, or is G-d just teasing me?
You use OpenOffice, which means you're not suffering enough.  Hence, here I am in the real world.
Ah, piss off.
Funny you should mention that.  How's that water tasting?

 

by r2_d2
11-18-04
What exactly is this radio station?
It's country!  They just played Faith Hill's overly-saccharine miscover of Piece of My Heart, and now it's Phil Vassar singing about how good his life is!
Okay, someone needs a music lesson.  I'm calling in a request to show you what real country-western is.
W___-FM, what can I do for you?
Twenty minutes later:
Well, how about Kris Kristofferson? Hank Williams? Tammy Wynette? Johnny Cash? Merle Haggard? George Jones? Carl Perkins? Loretta Lynn? Willie Nelson? Bob Wills? Patsy Cline? Lefty Frizzell?
Okay, you're just making up names now.  However, I assure you, no fewer than 18% of the artists we play are wearing hats.  Most of 'em Stetsons.

 

by r2_d2
11-20-04
R2 and Matt discuss the forthcoming U2 album, "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb":
I want HtDaAB on Vinyl. They are releasing it on vinyl, you know.
Yes.  I also know that it should be "HTDaAB", since "To Dismantle" is an infinitive.
Dude, it's U2!  And you're not excited about it.
Hey, I am excited.  I just happen to be a pedant.
You're just a little bitch, you know that?
We're all anal about U2 in different ways, man.

 

by r2_d2
12-07-04
Work, today, 15:00:
Okay, I'm leaving now.
Tomorrow, 09:00:
I wonder where R2 is.
Meanwhile:
Hey, I did say I was leaving!

 

by r2_d2
12-14-04
R2 Checks Out Himself on SC:
What!?  How'd I get down to only four stars?  Well, let's see what whoever downvoted me said:
"Comment (optional)"
"Comment (optional)"?  "Comment (optional)"?!
Fine, then.  So is the punchline to this strip.
Oooh, burn!

 

by r2_d2
12-15-04
So why so sad, Artie?
That big Firefox ad runs in the New York Times today.  It's two pages, and it runs the names of ten-thousand devotees who donated to the evangelism project.
And that's upset you why?
Because they put the donors' names in alphabetical order, so mine's right up at the top.  I wanted to make a game of finding it.  Now my whole day's shot.
And this, from the man who cried when he found out that graves in the cemetary weren't alphabetised!
Yeah, but I got over that when I realised we'd have to die in alphabetical order for that scheme to be feasible.

 

by r2_d2
12-30-04
R2 and His Grandfather Out at Lunch:
Doesn't the woman over at that table look like Linda?
Um ... that depends:  who's Linda?
You know, that woman I used to date.
When, exactly, was "used to"?
* Note: R2's grandparents divorced in the early '70s; each remarried later, hence, this actually refers to stepgrandmother.  And R2 was born in '81.
Oh, back in the '70s.
So, was this before or after you married grandma*?

 

by r2_d2
12-30-04
R2 Checks the E-Mail that His Spam Filter Caught:
Looking for cheap high-quality software?
Should I read this?
Why bother?  What's it gonna say, "#apt-get dist-upgrade"?

 

by r2_d2
1-07-05
Continued form stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/264686
Well, if you can't answer my prayers, I guess we're screwed.
It's not that I can't, it's that I just don't wanna.
Well, then, I suppose I'll have to contact a Higher Power.
Who's higher than me?  Jehovah? Ba'al? Krishna?
Wait?  Where are you going?
Someone out there doesn't know How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb.  Vegas is One Step Closer to being the City of Blinding Lights.

 

by r2_d2
1-07-05
Continued from stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/264984
Well, it looks like The End.  Will you hold me?
Only if you hold me.
Meanwhile, outside the ship:
Five hours later (luckily the ship was coated with leaden paint):
... which brings me back to the subject of Debt Relief ...
Dude, being an Elder God is no excuse for tardiness.

 

by r2_d2
1-12-05
KNOW YOUR CHARACTERS:  Matt is the hero of life's B-Story.
The "B" stands for Bono! Or maybe Brad Pitt.
Matt adds an air of Continental sophistication to our tale, living in a Pop Eurotrash Movie. He spends most of his time trying to pick up the host of Slavic supermodels which Fate has entitled him to.
I suppose you intend to pick me up in your Beemer?
Actually, it's a Trabant.  Six-oh-one, baby.
Unfortunately, between dressing like an Englishman, acting smug and self-absorbed as a Frenchman, and pretending to speak German, we can't quite tell where in Europe he's supposed to be from.
And he still listens to Nena.
Ja wohl.  Achtung, baby!  Um, Weltschmerz?

 

by r2_d2
1-14-05
Just for kicks, here's the last comic, babelfished to German and back: KNOW YOUR LETTERS: The hero of the b-history of the life is matte. Matt an air of the
"B" stands for Bono! Or possibly nail without head Pitt.
continental world intelligence of our history adds and lives in a bang Eurotrash film. He spends most its time, which tries, to waive the landlord of Slavic supermodels which fate him permitted it too
I assume that you intend to fetch me in your Beemer?
It is real a satellite. SixOH-- one, baby.
To explain, quite unfortunately between dressing like an Englishman, functioning conceited absorbed and there a Frenchman and the pretense cannot to speak German we where in Europe it to be are of.
And it still hears to Nena.
Probably. Attention, baby! Over, world pain?

 

by r2_d2
1-16-05
If R2 Met Celebrities, Volume 1:
Hi, I'm Duce Staley, running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Hi, I'm R2.  I must ask, what are those tattoos on your arms?
Well, this is cross on my left arm, and on my right are a couple playing cards.
The two of clubs and the two of diamonds?
Well, my name is "Duce".
Still, a cross and gambling instruments.  You're a walking Catholic Church.

 

by r2_d2
1-17-05
I need some gas in my car.  I'll just step outside, since that's where the car is.
Holy crap!  We haven't had any snow all winter—now there's a foot.
So the whitest day of the year is Martin Luther King Day.

 

by r2_d2
1-26-05
(Seriously, I was at a wake tonight)

To the Widow:

So, what's up?
Hello, hot stuff.  Wanna get out of here, go get a drink?
I'm your cousin.
Well, it's been nice seeing you.  We should do this again sometime.

 

by r2_d2
2-02-05
This just happened to me at a bank, less than an hour and a half ago.
... but unfortunately, the job you thought you came in to interview for we filled early last week.
You called me to schedule this interview on Friday.
Right.  After we hired the other guy.  In fact, we haven't even told the other branch we hired him yet.
Um—so what was the point?
(I really do live close enough, too.)
Just a massive conspiracy to keep you from having any enjoyment at all out of life.
So I could have gone to Punxsutawney last night after all.

 

by r2_d2
2-03-05
Counsel, you've acted unethically.  The court is going to have to impose sanctions on you.
Thank you, Your Honour.
What do you mean, "Thank you"?
Well, it's always nice to see your behaviour is sanctioned.
You must not understand.  I'm holding you in contempt.
You say you're content?  This is my lucky day!

 

by r2_d2
2-04-05
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
Meanwhile at UPN Headquarters:
[Andorians, Orions, and miscellaneous asskickery.]
Shit, dawg, this is good.  Something must be done about that.
Editorial:  Fuck you, UPN.  And the horse you rode in on.
Hey, Manny, turn around and cough for a minute.

 

by r2_d2
2-05-05
(Here we go again) This only to me at a bank, less then an one and a half hours happened ago.
..., But miserable, the job that you thought you, came in for we to interview filled early last week.
You mentioned interview myself this on Friday to plan.
(Die, Steve.  Die)
The law. After we the other fellow recruited. Indeed have we even not the other branch told that we him yet recruited.
Um?so that which the point was?
(I live real closed enough, also).
Only a solid conspiracy will have live keep up you of the of only plezier at everybody out.
As that I to Punxsutawney tonight after everybody could have gone.

 

by r2_d2
2-07-05
Salutations!  My peoples had emitted me to deliver to it to the secrets of our internal advanced technology and enlightenment, Mr. D2.
An foreigner?  What I make?  The approval, calm of the sojourn, only remembers what you it learned of trek of the star.
Now where it functioned outside?
I will be right back part!  I have waited somebody to play with!
Damnit.  One chessboard of the three-dimensional one.  Well, I can have come in the peace, but that one does not mean that I cannot pulverize its donkey of Trekkie.
I made it of Legos outside™!

 

by r2_d2
3-03-05
Hello?
Hello, I calling from Am'rican Mortgage Service.
Meanwhile, in Bombay:
No you're not.  You're calling from The Pakistani Mortgage Service.
You little bastard!  I am NOT Pakistani!
Oh, my mistake; you haven't been invaded yet.  Call me back Saturday, after you are.

 

by r2_d2
3-24-05
"R2GtaPC", a strip series based on real news articles:  http://tinyurl.com/6udly
"[Star Wars Ep. III] will be received in a way that none of us can expect. I feel that I've made the movie the best I can and it turned out the way I wanted it to be, so I'm happy.
"I never try to anticipate what the world's going to think or even worry about whether they're going to like it or not. That's not my job, to make people like my movies."
You're absolutely right.  That's Larry Kasdan's job.
Exactly! I'm just a simple moron with nothing but contempt for the fans who made him a billionaire.  Why can't people just accept this fact already?

 

by r2_d2
5-24-05
Does this outfit make me look fat?
No, of course not.
It's the fetus you have gestating in your womb that makes you look fat.
I'm not pregnant, you asshole!
Then yes, the halter top makes you look fat.

 

by r2_d2
5-25-05
R.I.P. Tom, 1905-2005
So, how did Tom die?
Well, he was a hundred.
Holy crap!  You can die from that?
Well, not many people generally live from that.  What makes you ask?
Well, being a hundred was something I'd always wanted to do.  Now I'm not so sure.
Another dream crushed.

 

by r2_d2
6-06-05
Did you know that half of the men in China have cataracts?
No, I had no idea.
Yeah, the rest drive Rincolns.

 

by r2_d2
6-08-05
Why don't you want to come to the party this weekend?  Erica's gonna be there ...
FYI:  Erica and I hate each other.
And FYI, "Erica" is based on a real woman named not Erica.
Oh, that's right.  I forgot.
I can't stand being in the same room as her.
C'mon, you know you wanna say it:
Okay, "And FYC, She Drives Me Crazy."

 

by r2_d2
6-09-05
Check out that chick over there.  Hot, eh?
Kinda.  I like a girl with an hourglass figure.  She's more like a tube of toothpaste figure.
?
You know—for best results, you can squeeze her from the bottom, but unfortunately, she flattens as you go up.

 

by r2_d2
6-17-05
I'm telling you, Lisa's a really nice person.  She'd bend over backwards to help you out.
How exactly would that help with anything?
Well, supposing you were really horny at the time ...

 

by r2_d2
7-05-05
How was your weekend?
Terrible.  I had to get a new alternator for my car.
Ugh.  How much did that set you back?
Three-hundred dollars.  Of course, once they get you in the autoshoppe, that's money out of my shoe.
I thought you had a wallet.  Why would you keep your money in your shoe?
I don't literally.  But think of what position I'd have to be in to get it out.

 

by r2_d2
7-07-05
Why on Earth do you need so many identical red shoes?
They're not all red.  These are burgundy, these are wine, and these are vermillion.
Later That Evening ...
Did you really drink all this booze?
It's not booze.  This bottle was burgundy, this one was wine, and this one was vermouth.  Two can play at your little game.
Hey, tomorrow, could you go out and buy some turpentine-coloured shoes?

 

by r2_d2
8-02-05
A true story, verbatim ...
Lemme tell you something, kid.  I don't think any of my friends or I ever went with a girl we didn't screw.
The only ones we didn't screw were the ones we didn't take out three times.
... including the only response I could muster.
Yeah, the girls wanted it even more than we did, we were just too dumb to realize it.
           

 

by r2_d2
8-04-05
So, how's the bus driving job going?
Well, today, some fat lady fell off the bus.
What, like, while she was boarding or deboarding?
While the bus was in motion. She's sitting there with one ass cheek on the seat, one suspended in mid-air, leaning over gabbing at her friend. So when I went around a corner, I hear this "thud"—
Ooh.  Was she hurt?
Only her pride.  And I literally cannot imagine a more half-assed way to ride a bus.

 

by r2_d2
8-11-05
Okay, so how does this blood-type deal work?
Simple: if you're any positive-type, you can receive the same negative type, but not vice-versa.
Keeping that in mind, people with "O"-blood can only get "O", "A" and "B" can get the same type or "O", and "AB" can get anything.
So the upshot is, since I'm "AB+", I can't give a directed donation for my "AB-" mom's surgery. In fact, I can hardly give blood to anyone. But I can take just about any blood, if I ever need it.
So in other words, you're a completely worthless leech, even your component parts at a cellular level?

 

by r2_d2
8-14-05
I need to pick up some balloons for a kid's birthday party and—holy shit, is that what I think it is?
You mean this American Soldier-shaped piñata?  Good choice, it's one of our best sellers.
Are you actually suggesting hanging a depiction of a serviceman from a tree, and having children beat it with sticks?
Why? what's wrong with it?
Well, the birthday boy isn't Iraqi.
Look, just be patriotic and buy the damned effigy.

 

by r2_d2
8-17-05
[For proper dramatic effect, imagine woman on left has a circumference of 31.4 feet. -ed.]
Are you the one who brought my car up?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, this lane is too narrow for me to get through and into the car!
Well, the only alternative was to leave your car in the middle of the street, with moving traffic and whatnot.
How am I supposed to get in now?
I dunno.  Maybe lose 150 pounds so your fat ass'll fit on the sidewalk.

 

by r2_d2
9-09-05
An actual conversation overheard at work:
My puppy's gotten really big really quick.  He's already like three times as big as when I got him.
Yeah, I know all about that.  I've got three dogs.
Still, it's nice to come home from work, and even when I'm bitching about my day, having them jump up on me and lick my face.
Really?  That's what you're into?  Hell, I can do that!

 

by r2_d2
9-10-05
For the last time, I don't want to go out with you, Artie.
But why not?  Surely you can't resist my sweet Barry White-like voice, or my Dustin Hoffman-like good looks.
Okay, would you believe Barry Gibbs and Dustin Diamond?

 

by r2_d2
9-11-05
Oh no!  The Bomb just went off!  It's the end of the world! And I don't feel fine at all.
Oh no!  The Bomb just went off!  It's the end of the world! And I don't feel fine at all.
Where have I heard that before?
Oh no!  The Bomb just went off!  It's the end of the world! And I don't feel fine at all.
Oh, just fucking great.  It's the Escherton.

 

by r2_d2
10-05-05
[Ring, ring]
Y'ello?
Hi, this is Jessica from (R2's former college).  I'm calling on behalf of the Alumni Donation Fund.  How would you like to donate $100?
I'd love to!
But that ain't gonna happen.  Not with my degree.
[Ruffles through notes]  Holy shit! you were PoliSci?  I'm so sorry.

 

by r2_d2
10-16-05
Morning, Abdul.
Morning, Mamoud.
How's the family?
Wonderful! My son Omar just graduated, and found a job already.  He's moving to Jerusalem next week!
Kids blow up so fast.
Mmm-hmm.

 

Wow. You just kept going. And going. And going....
by r2_d2, 10-29-05

 

by r2_d2
1-17-06
Okay, Janice, select a category.
I'll take "Classical Lit" for $400.
And the answer is, "This English monk of the sixth and seventh Centuries is famous for his scientific works and Biblical exegeses."
Oooh! I know this one!  "Who was The Venerable Bede?"!
Oh! my boyfriend wanted me to try some Venereal Beads once.  I don't see what's so scientific about them, though.
"Before the unavoidable journey, no one becomes wiser in thought ..."

 

by r2_d2
1-27-06
I've got to clear my conscience, Pater.  I've been gambling.
Well, Artie, the problem with gambling ...
Wait, it gets worse:  I was laying bets on wheelchair basketball games.
Well, I don't think that makes it worse, per se, unless ...
Please tell me the end of that sentence wasn't "unless you fixed the game?"
Oh, in that case, let me give you this $20 gift certificate to the Longaberger store.

 

by r2_d2
2-03-06
You're home early ... holy shit! what happened to your chin?
What? you mean the nine stitches I got?
Yeah.  I'm pretty sure they weren't there before.
No, they weren't.  But you know how I always said my shitty fucking job "would be the death of me"?
Well, I'm now one step closer to realising that goal.

 

by r2_d2
4-14-06
We have a TV at work, and Match Game 73 happened to be on.  Gene Rayburn was dressed in his usual style.
Heh heh.  I used to have a pair of plaid pants like that.  We all did back in the seventies.
Really? which clan's tartan did you wear?
WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?
!
That's "clan", with a "C"! you know, like in Scotland!  Please don't cut me!
Well, it's been a long week.  I'll letcha slide.  This time.

Showing page 4.

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