All comics by somnambulist

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by somnambulist
3-12-07
Ann Coulter was in the news earlier this month for her use of the term 'faggot' in referring to John Edwards.
Lost in the frenzy was a legitimate point: that political correctness has created de facto thought crime; it's just prosecuted via the media, instead of in the courts.
I view Coulter's comment as being a bit similar to John Kerry's botched joke about how if you're stupid, you get "stuck in Iraq."
He was referring to Bush's ordering the invasion, not actual military service; but since perception is reality, everyone thought he was attacking soldiers.
So, Ann, the next time you feel the urge to denounce the overly sensitive pansies who whine every fucking time someone merely feels offended, please do the rest of us a favor...
...and do it in a way that isn't so fucking RETARDED.

 

by somnambulist
3-12-07
* http://www.stripcreator.com/ comics/somnambulist/386269
My previous comic* pointed out the fine line people have to walk in the fascist system of "political correctness."
Although I don't condone hatred, I also believe that it is very dangerous to permit discourse to be arbitrarily limited whenever someone feels bad.
The punch line of my last comic was designed to point out that context is important. I'm from New England; here, "wicked retahded" is common slang.
Here's another example, closer to the imaginary line: should the slang term "fag hag" be considered unacceptable in every context?
I concur that it is somewhat crude, and perhaps a replacement should be found...
...but all of the new euphemisms I can think of kinda sound a little gay.

 

by somnambulist
3-12-07
That's rather odd...
So let me get this straight: about half of the kids running for Student Union positions are also the elections commissioners?
Yep, they've set up a model that Karl Rove himself would be proud of.
Well, the next time I meet with them, I'll mention the ethical quagmire they've created.
Good plan, but after the year we've had with them, do you really think you can explain ethics to a bunch of college students who don't seem to have any?

 

by somnambulist
5-24-07
First, Ashlee Simpson released a song called "Boyfriend."
After that, Avril Lavigne released her own song, "Girlfriend."
...?
With Paris Hilton about to do a stint in jail, this can only mean one thing...
...that when she gets out, her next song will be called "Hermaphrodite?"

 

by somnambulist
5-25-07
In today's spam e-mail, I received an advertisement for the "KABOOM" Automatic Toilet Cleaning System.
Who is he talking to? He doesn't have a webcam...
I haven't been this aroused since Lethal Weapon 2.
You got turned on by Danny Glover sitting on the john!?
No, Patsy Kensit. I just thought that a train going through a tunnel was too cliched a metaphor for all the naughty things I wanted to do with her.

 

by somnambulist
5-25-07
Earlier today, I saw a poster illustrating the rate of seat belt use while DWI.
Oddly, usage was only higher while over the legal limit compared to those under it for college graduates. All other groups used it more when sober.
Where on earth is he going with this?
So, if you're going to drink and drive, just remember that statistic, and...
...don't forget to buckle up before you move on to the jello shots?

 

by somnambulist
5-25-07
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/377022
I suppose I should comment on my lengthy hiatus. I just haven't felt all that funny lately, and I'm sure you can guess why.
Yup, you got it. Although we will remain friends, things went awry while visiting that girl* I liked.
I took it pretty hard, and finally caved in to the advice of many friends and sought the help of a psychiatrist, even though I didn't/don't really believe in it.
I've been on many different drugs in just six weeks, trying to find one that works. Trouble is, it kind of makes my feelings jump all over the place.
**http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/335303
So, half the time, I'm angry, and the rest, I want a hug, and I'm still not over it, which isn't really funny. The only positive thing I can think of is...
Well, I broke his heart, but maybe he has found the perfect candidate to play the Evil Leaper** in the Continuity Saga!

 

by somnambulist
5-25-07
I'm having trouble writing some code. Imagine if you had a couple balls and you needed to compare all of their various attributes to one another and see if one was missing anything...
Yaar, I be a humble pirate, sir. I says te should just give your balls to me!
That'll be tough, since you decided you weren't at all interested in me. You're just opening up a whole other can of worms.
Your balls are a can of worms? Well... I suppose at least I could go fishing with them.
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/394999
That sounds like it would be either incredibly painful, or you're being deliciously saucy.
Well, if you're going to make me into the Evil Leaper*, I'll have standards to maintain.

 

by somnambulist
5-26-07
True story from earlier today...
...it's not just letters, it's Lingo!
I wonder if they'll ever bring back the $25,000 Period...
*confused look*
Er, yeah, I don't know where that Freudian slip came from. I meant the $25,000 Pyramid.
I was going to say...
Well, you have to admit... the former would be a very different show!

 

by somnambulist
6-15-07
(Inspired by RedfeatheR)
Teachers are still fucking in front of Quincy High School for the fifth straight day, and many students came out to cheer them on.
We now go live to reporter Carlson Tucker, who finds himself in the middle of this dramatic fuck. Carlson?
(And with apologies to mandingo)
What led you to decide that your best course of action was a prolonged, heavily publicized fuck?
They tried to make us sign an unfair contract. But we aren't afraid to fuck, and we'll all keep on fucking until we reach a fair compromise!
Many parents are criticizing the teachers, stating that staffers seem more concerned about fucking than they are about the students.
The state Supreme Court ruled that teachers have no right to fuck when class is in session, and a $100,000 fine was levied against the fuckers.

 

by somnambulist
6-16-07
Credits/Apologies in #206 :)
Let's fuck while the iron is still hot!
Didn't you learn anything from the Great Toaster Fire back in '05?
My grandfather is about to fuck six, after fucking five just an hour ago!
I don't care if Kaitlin fucked you! Just because she fucks you doesn't mean you have to fuck her back. Fucking girls is wrong! So I don't want to catch you fucking any more girls, OK?
Well, what am I supposed to do, just stand there and let her keep fucking me until I'm too bruised and sore to move?

 

by somnambulist
6-17-07
Hi, I'd like to put in a reimbursement request for some things I bought?
OK, let's see here... wait a minute, why did you need to buy $600 of groceries!? There aren't any student events in the summer...
Well, yeah, but I'm our treasurer and I had to stay here over the summer while we got ready for next year!
First off, you chose to stay here, and second, you can't pay your own personal living expenses with the activity fee money.
*See my other "University Tales" comics for details of their exploits...
But that's not fair! You can't do this to me! Why don't you ever back me up?
Because just about everything you ask of me* is either unethical, illegal, or just plain stupid?

 

by somnambulist
6-17-07
Hey you. What's going on?
I'm just looking at a few of my comics.
You do know that they're pretty much the same as when you wrote them?
Yeah, but I noticed that I have two Vol. 5's for University Tales, and two different comics numbered #51.
You could always just donate so you could edit them.
It'd be an awful lot of editing. Besides, I don't want any of this stuff to be traceable to me.

 

by somnambulist
6-24-07
Sigh... I never learn...
Hey, I'm glad that you're here! I have this Friday off, so we can finally get together like we'd been planning.
OK, sure. I'll have to take a half day at work, but it should not be too much trouble for me.
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/357909
Cool. I've got your number, so I'll let you know if there are any problems.
Excellent. I'm glad we can finally put all that stuff that happened last year* behind us.
I think I just sensed a great disturbance in the Force. I came over to see if you can help me put a stop to whatever evil may be lurking in the shadows...
Nah... I detected an incoming series of lame Continuity Saga strips that detail Steve's real life misadventures.

 

by somnambulist
6-24-07
OK, I'm absolutely sure we agreed to meet here at 3:00. But there's been no sign of her for over a half an hour...
Well, send her a text message and hit the range. You'll see her driving in if she ever shows.
90 minutes later...
Well, I sent a text, no reply. Tried to call, never picked up. And my back is killing me. Screw it, I'm going home.
I know you're trying to be less negative and give people more credit than you normally do, but maybe this is one of those times your trademark cynicsm might be appropriate.
Wow. You're pretty good at this evil tormentor thing.
Actually, I'm just really immature for someone in her late 20's. It turns out that they work exactly the same.

 

by somnambulist
6-24-07
Later that afternoon...
Maybe something came up, but I just don't want to be jerked around, you know? (*send*)
I know you're trying very hard to stop being so negative, but maybe this is one of those times that your cynicism can actually help?
Then, the next morning...
Hey, I just got your text. I waited all day for you... I thought you blew me off! Tell you what, let's try again Sunday morning. This time we'll just meet there, no phone calls or anything.
This is against my better judgement, as that makes no sense whatsoever, but maybe it really was just a huge misunderstanding.
And that evening...
Dude, why do you continue down this path when you know it's coated in burning hot coals?
See all the 22 year old harlots in this place? I'm trying to stick with the devil I know instead of the bitches I don't.

 

by somnambulist
6-24-07
Sunday morning, 8 AM, 3 hours before we were supposed to meet up...
I have to cancel on you. Something important came up. But I'll give you a call when I can.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
You were right, she bailed again. I wish I knew this last night, then I would have stayed at the bar a lot later!
Sorry dude. I tried to warn you. I know you think Captain Ahab was just misunderstood, but she's not worth the hassle. Be glad it's not your problem.
So that's the story so far. I feel like I should maybe be swearing unholy vengeance upon her or something.
That's not a bad plan, but exacting revenge usually requires that someone actually shows up first.

 

by somnambulist
7-02-07
So she cancelled on you again last week? Well, we know she works tonight. Let's drop in and find out what happened with her.
Well I was going to go with "she is still a stupid, selfish little bitch," but if you really need the empirical evidence, I suppose that can be arranged too...
Hey! I'm so sorry about last week. I have this boyfriend who I really like. He found your txt msg on my phone and I had to get him to chill out, you know?
Well, I suppose she has upgraded from "convicted felon" to "ultra-controlling jackass." Damn, I probably could've pulled that off if I'd known to put in that type of effort...
*Actually I'd never subject myself to dating HER at this point, but, shhh... :)
At least I don't have any other tables tonight, so we have time to catch up!
Yeah. And if Jethro gets all pissy about me again, just tell him I'd never want to subject you to anything as awful as dating me*. That should do the trick.

 

You totally fucked up all the comic numbering again.
I guess the math nerve is connected to the heart muscle after all?
by somnambulist, 7-02-07

 

by somnambulist
8-08-07
And, yes, the bad pun in the strip title is completely intentional.
Was that you that I heard screaming in the bathroom?
Oh, yeah. I had one of those dual jet pisses going... one half going one way and the other in the opposite direction.
Well, at least it's a public restroom, so no harm done?
Well... everything was going fine until all of a sudden the pieces started to move back toward one another...
Do I even want to know the rest?
Let's just say that Egon was right in Ghostbusters -- don't ever cross the streams. It is, indeed, bad... not to mention extremely fucking painful.

 

by somnambulist
8-26-07
Hey, have you ever heard about the book with a bunch of photos of signs with "FUCK" taped over various parts of them?
What about it?
Well, I was taking a piss earlier, and a bit of inspiration struck me...
Please tell me that it didn't have anything to do with my dick this time.
"EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS AFTER MASTURBATING FURIOUSLY!"

 

by somnambulist
8-30-07
If you are losing an argument, make sensational, non-sensical claims using a bunch of technical-sounding jargon. Nobody can out-argue an idiot without looking like one themselves.
And that's why the gradient of a smurf is the integral of its subantiprocosine.
That doesn't make sense! Smurfs are measured in kilowatt hours!
If all else fails, sing this reply over and over, varying each iteration slightly:
I'm an angry jolly giant / and I'm angry cuz I'm jolly / and I'm jolly cuz I'm giant / and I'm jolly cuz I'm green!
Take me now, you magnificent lime colored stallion!
Never try to argue online. Nobody ever wins, and you'll just look foolish.
But I've got all sorts of awesome tribute comic ideas for you!
Why didn't you just point everyone to BasicInstructions.net and say you liked the comics there? Those are actually funny!

 

by somnambulist
12-03-07
September
I'm leaving to work for the government. Unfortunately I was unable to get your promotion through, so you'll have to convince your new boss to get it done.
So all I have to do is persuade the guy who just started to create a new job after his boss, the VP, already cut the budget to promote one of her people?
October
Man, I love the third date rule. Although, it's a little weird that she wanted it sideways doggy style the first time.
Hey, just because you're 6 feet tall and I'm a tiny Asian chick doesn't mean you can't get a little rough with me!
November
Congratulations, you have acute bronchitis! Enjoy your fabulous 2 weeks of being too sick to get out of bed for anything!
OK, so maybe I shouldn't have accused her of giving me bird flu...

 

by somnambulist
5-28-08
December, 2007
So you broke up with that Chinese chick, huh?
Yeah, a while ago. She wanted to go back to the West Coast when she finished her PhD anyway, so it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Yeah, but you said that wasn't for another six months or something. So what happened?
She gave me some BS about how she didn't want me to "waste my time" on her if it wasn't going to end up going anywhere.
Oh. Weak. Did you tell her that her brilliant plan for you to meet another woman didn't work so well and you've been single for the past six months?
Nah, I did what any guy would do -- ignored her and hit on her best friend at a party a couple months later. It's not like she could complain about it; all I was doing was taking her advice!

 

by somnambulist
7-25-08
SBC (Steve Broadcasting Corp.) Studio
Tonight, I have a special editorial presentation about the war in the Middle East.
?
I would like to state that I am opposed to the wholesale slaughter of the Iraqi people.
That's great, babe, but I think almost everyone would agree with that.
Indubitably! Retail would be much more profitable.

 

by somnambulist
1-23-09
I don't mind winter...
Aw, crap. Another foot of snow to shovel. It wouldn't be so bad if this didn't happen over and over again every three days...
but I dislike inconsistency.
Gosh, I'm so glad I threw out my back digging through all that snow just to have it all melt after two freaking days.
Don't worry. It'll be back soon enough.
The next day...
God damn it.

 

by somnambulist
2-01-09
SBC (Steve Broadcasting Corp.) Studio
This past week, Barack Obama urged passage of his economic stimulus bill.
?
He went on to state that "This is not the time for profits!"
In the middle of a recession?! What the fuck else does he think is going to turn things around?
It is still unclear if the President fails to grasp basic economic theory, or if he has simply been unable to find an ample supply of underpants.

 

by somnambulist
2-02-09
Different Teresa. She's Canadian, eh?
So did you finally ask out that girl from bowling?
No, she talked to me for about forty seconds. Then she became transfixed on a sleazy jackass with the I.Q. of a baked potato.
Ouch, sorry. What about the other one you met in the fall? Any luck there?
She hooked up with a guy at a holiday party a day before I called her back. He dumped his dying girlfriend for her, and now they're living together!
I take it that your notoriously bad luck with women is why Katrina had to quit consulting you on these matters?
Yeah, pretty much. But maybe there's hope, because in Soviet Canada, everything will be the opposite!

 

by somnambulist
2-03-09
Did you see anyone on that free online dating that might be compatible? You mentioned some of them were new in your area?
Of the six I liked, 3 were spam-traps, one of them just wanted to cheat on her boyfriend, and 37 of them were really just guys.
Come on, it can't be that bad. What are you looking for in a woman? Maybe if you start there, you can figure out who would really be a good match.
At this point, the only one left who doesn't make me want to move to the woods and grow a Unabomber beard is Allison, but she's actually fictional.
I was thinking that after geohashing, we'd play 18 holes of golf, have kinky sex, and watch McBain vs. the CommuNazis: Red Menace Rising.
( love )

 

by somnambulist
2-03-09
Come on, it can't be that bad. Why don't you just go after the first girl you see who you like?
Let's see, there's my medical issues, my OCD, the fact that I'm now 32 and don't look like a supermodel, their greed, stupidity, and selfishness...
But surely there has to be someone out there with the qualities you're looking for.
That's the problem. I feel like I always want something different than the people I meet, and I have no interest in changing, because I like who I am.
You know, you're not making this very easy for me.
So you're saying I might need a better opening line than this speech?

 

by somnambulist
2-04-09
Hey, what about the girl from work? The one in a different department that you took to lunch a few months ago?
She was home sick today. I texted her to say "get well," and she mis-texted me back, asking her friend, "Who in the fuck would be texting me from New Hampshire?"
Oh. So I guess she probably didn't put your number on her speed dial, then.
Probably not, no. But even if she did, it's too risky. What if we broke up, or one of us was way more into it than the other, or she gets mad and spills personal secrets?
Yeah, I guess, on second thought, that sounds like there's just way too many land mines.
Too bad there's no polite way to ask a co-worker to be sex buddies. That would solve so many problems!

 

by somnambulist
2-05-09
What about the nurse from the hospital you usually go to for all of your regular checkups?
She works for my doctor! Granted, it would solve the problem of telling her my medical issues, but it's just one more bag of booby traps.
Oh, come on, you always say that. And I thought you said your doctor wasn't really even a very good one!
He's not. But I think her live-in boyfriend would object. And even if he didn't, I'd never go for that kind of threesome!
You know, it's kind of painful just to hear about how these things are going for you lately. I guess I can kind of see why you're feeling the way you do right now.
Eh, it's OK. She's gained about 20 pounds, and I could see her roots and botched dye job. At least I can imagine she's the type to just let herself go?

 

by somnambulist
2-15-09
So, how did that big "Anti-Valentine's" singles event last night turn out?
First my friend gave me bad directions and I think I almost got mugged in Chinatown. Then, at the bar, I was only scoped out by one morbidly obese girl... and 2 guys.
That sounds like a waste of 30 bucks. Did you at least talk to anyone who was there? Surely you must have found the courage to approach at least one woman.
Well, I did talk to this lawyer, but we mostly ended up arguing about federal tax policy, while my friend Jon drove off her angry looking friend.
How many times must I tell you not to argue tax policy with strangers?
Hey, I was right and she was wrong! What else was I going to do, go talk to the overdressed, bitchy, snobby 23 year olds about aboriginal border crossing rights?

 

by somnambulist
2-16-09
Aw, crap. I hate the unisex restrooms in this building. I've got to take a huge dump and I bet she probably just stunk up that one so bad that it could kill a baby rhinoceros.
Oh God, I'm afraid to breathe, it's... hey, wait a minute. It doesn't smell bad at all in here. In fact it smells a little bit like... floral scented air freshener...
But the weird thing is... I don't see an air freshener here, and I doubt she brought her own... How in the hell...? Did that goth chick just poop daisies?!

 

by somnambulist
2-16-09
I wish dueling were legal. Then I could challenge all the idiots in the world to a battle with my relentless logic.
It's an enterprising choice, but your opponents would probably use a gun.
No, in an honorable duel, combatants each wield the same weapon.
OK, but even if you are able to choose the weapon and prevent them from cheating, what makes you think that "relentless logic" will have any effect at all on a bunch of idiots?
Good point. I guess I was hoping I could use it to make their heads explode.
A noble goal, but isn't it more likely that you would first suffer a massive aneurysm from exposure to vast quantities of their illogical stupidity?

 

by somnambulist
2-19-09
First draft of my online advice column.
I have three pieces of advice that will serve you well in life. One: registered libertarians should not apply to work for the DEA.
Two: No matter how much Grandpa likes the strippers, he is not allowed to go on stage to pole dance with them.
?
And, finally, under no circumstances should Louise Woodward attend an AC/DC concert.
You know, some days you're lucky that you're so good in bed... and today is looking like one of those days!

 

by somnambulist
3-01-09
Hey, you never told me what happened to that waitress that inspired your fictional comic girlfriend Allison.
Well, now that her Myspace page is public again, I saw she's gained about 40 pounds and her new boyfriend looks like a giant, idiotic dickweed.
*See http://www.stripcreator.com/ comics/somnambulist/357909
B E F O R E !
A F T E R !
Well, I guess you can be happy that at least you didn't get stuck with her?
I know. It's odd how every girl I break up with or who rejects me gets really fat or really ugly so fast... if only I could find a way to use that as leverage!

 

by somnambulist
3-08-09
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/453874
So you finally told her that you were interested in her* now that she broke up with that guy?
Yeah, but she was not interested. Also some guy stalked us through the park making a bunch of squirrel noises.
I guess that isn't the best omen you could hope for. Still, aren't you glad that it's all over now?
It would be more of a relief if I thought it was for emotional reasons, but now I'm sure her type is "cute asshole." So, y'know. Not feeling so good right now.
Sorry. Even though I said she wasn't girlfriend material, I was hoping that you'd benefit from, like, the law of large numbers, or one of your other math things.
Not this time. And, sadly, the next best idea after her is to hit on one of my students who is graduating in May. She's almost worth getting fired for!

 

by somnambulist
3-12-09
So I can't decide if I am going to accept that invitation to a resort in Mexico. I can't really afford it and I hear crime is getting really bad down there lately.
I don't recommend leaving the resort, but you do have the advantage of being almost six feet tall. If they try anything, you can just swat the pests away!
True. So, any luck getting over your recent romantic misadventures?
Nah, I'm still blue. The worst part was watching Scrubs and getting jealous of Zach Braff when he was canoodling with Tara Reid's character.
So? How is that any different than a normal day? I thought you had a thing for blonds!
Normally, I do. But I'd need way more shots before safely touching Tara Reid than you'll need to go visit Mexico!

 

by somnambulist
5-01-09
I don't mind racist humor, but I don't think rape jokes are ever funny. Don't you agree?
...
So what did you say to him? You didn't recite any inappropriate jokes to him, did you?
Well, I eventually replied, "Why, no, sir, rape is never funny!" But I had to fight extremely hard to resist the urge to say to him...
I'm not sure, boss... what if there's a clown involved?

 

by somnambulist
5-23-09
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/462619
Hey, I saw three comedians tell a form of your last joke* on Comedy Central On Demand last week.
Yep, I saw that too. Now we'll have to think up some new way to offend peoples' delicate sensibilities!
Already way ahead of you. I'm going to go help a friend sodomize a mime.
Let me know if he makes a sound! Five bucks says it's a "squeak."
And can I be next?

 

by somnambulist
9-11-09
I finally got around to using my cell phone's built in camera today.
Wow, you really do take a while to get the most out of your gadgets. Did you get any good photos, at least?
Actually, just one. It's an ambiguous nude portrait of part of myself. I'm calling it "Guess the Orifice!"
OK, but I'm not playing "Belly Button Vagina" with you again. It's just too weird!

 

by somnambulist
9-29-09
Hi, Steve from "Steve & Squirrel" here, to talk to you about a growing epidemic: people who install Linux on everything.
At first it was just a demonstration of cleverness: people putting Linux on their wristwatch, iPod, or PS3.
Then it got a little weird. People put Linux on their car radios, VCRs, and microwaves.
Even that wasn't too bad, but then they came for the appliances. Pretty soon there were toasters, vacuums, and refrigerators running Ubuntu.
The most twisted case I read about was the guy who installed FreeBSD on his housecat and used another distribution to overwrite his own brain waves.
So, if you ever get around to installing Linux on your own dick... nobody fucking wants to hear about it!

 

by somnambulist
12-30-09
FYI, Diane escaped the KoL alternate universe. Um, off-screen. Yeah.
So what happened with that bartender chick you were telling me about?
I finally managed to ask her out... and then, at the last second, instead of picking a date and getting her phone number... I left her mine, instead.
Oops. Still, that can be remedied. Plus now you can just go back and gauge her reaction, see if she was sincere, that kind of thing?
I did. We're on for next week. But she got back together with her ex just yesterday. One day. I missed by one. fucking. day.
Wow. You really do have a knack for this sort of thing. You'd better get a GPS tracker implanted before you ask out that Irish chick, just to be on the safe side.
It probably speaks volumes about me that being chained up in her cellar has some appeal. At least she mixes a good kamikaze!

 

by somnambulist
1-06-10
A few days later...
So, not only did the bartender cancel on you at the last minute, but now the other girl who was acting interested in you suddenly got a boyfriend too?
Yeah. I can't decide which is worse: if they just aren't at all interested, or if they act positive and flirty and have it all be for naught.
Well, I do have a friend who went seven years in between their last two relationships. This stuff happens.
That doesn't really give me any sort of consolation when I'm one-third of the way there already.
Oh. Right. Well, do you have a good punchline for me, at least? I've been sick in bed all week and need a laugh.
Nope, sorry. I spent most of the day not eating and passed out in bed. No punchline, although I had some pretty good hallucinations ...do those count?

 

by somnambulist
1-17-10
Well, have you tried looking for anyone else on that online dating website? I'm sure there must be another girl there that you might like.
Yeah. But all I ever get in my listings are dog owners, vegetarians, and/or communists, all of which are traits I'm trying to avoid.
Well, can't you just set it up to filter out all of those people?
Oddly, no. It can do positive matching (Find someone with "X" in their profile) but it doesn't do exclusions at all.
*To be continued!
Well, why don't you set it up to do a search for traits you do like, then?
Well, for starters, I still need some way to filter out all the spherical chicks first!

 

by somnambulist
1-17-10
You know, if you didn't eliminate the vegetarians, you could probably cut down on those who exceed your weight requirements.
Actually, less than you'd think. Lack of meat doesn't equal lack of cake, with the exception of vegans, but they're extra irritating. And I'm allergic to soy.
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/453964
I see. Maybe we need to try an entirely different approach. What is most important to you in a partner?
I described it once before*, but to sum it up: Nerd love, set exclusively to the tune of hair band power ballads.
Well, I'm not sure I understand the appeal, but there must be someone out there for you.
Even if that's true, it probably means that she essentially learned everything she knows about love from strings of cliches bellowed by alcoholic hobos.

 

by somnambulist
1-19-10
MY HOBBY: Making unorthodox math- themed requests of store clerks, to pretend I'm Randall Munroe of XKCD.
Hi there! Welcome to Target-Mart. what can I help you with today?
Yes, I'd like a Klein bottle of your finest champagne, and a pair of Moebius boxers, post-haste!
Can I get anything else for you, sir?
Five sevenths of a pound of ham, four ninths of a pound of turkey, and 23/37 a pound of pepperoni salami, cut into the shape of a torus.
Your total comes to $7.92; will that be cash or credit?
Just to make the math simpler, here's $23.17. If you can't figure it out, I'll write it as a recursive function on a napkin for you as a study aid!

 

by somnambulist
1-23-10
We now interrupt this comic to bring you the following important public service announcement from Squirrel.
Hi, I'm Squirrel, from "Steve and Squirrel," a web comic written by Steve, but without any squirrel input.
Unfortunately, all of his more recent philosophical discussions have been with his lady friends instead of me, his original muse. This means my apperances are becoming more and more limited.
*http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php /Main/ThereIsNoSuchThingAsNotability
But I have a plan* to fix that! Time to fire up teh interwebs and show the world that I still matter!
{{ Chuck Cunningham Syndrome }} Squirrel, a titular character from Steve and Squirrel, only appears twice in the most recent one hundred strips.

 

by somnambulist
2-01-10
I just realized a way of cheering myself up when I have to deal with another student that gets the urge to annoy me with ridiculous, petty nonsense.
What's that?
Well, you know how most of the kids we deal with are about 20 years old right now?
Yes, but that's just like any other year. Why is it any different now?
Because there is a very good chance that at least some of them were conceived by two people humping to "Ice Ice Baby."

Showing page 5.

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