All comics by fpd

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by fpd
11-16-04
First my little Willy, and then Midge! It is my fault that they're both dead, Moose.
Duh, don't blame yourself little buddy. I always tried to be a good role model for Midge, and she still went crazy.
Why did you do it? Why did you kill my brother and frame Midge?
ULL I WUNTED WUZ 2 B LOVED AND 2 RAPP WIT FOCKS, N U JECTED ME.
What will stop you from hurting and killing more people?
MAEK ME A GURLFREND LICK ME OUT A MIDGE.

 

by fpd
11-16-04
No, I cannot make another monstrosity like I did before. What if they were to mate? They would sire a race of monsters.
Y DID U DSTORY HER, U FOOL? WE R ANNIE MATED KORPSES, KNOT JEANETIK XSPEARAMINTS. WE HAV NORAML HUMEN DNA.
Oh, I didn't think of that. Well, what is done is done. You are now doomed to be alone forever.
4 DIS I WILL B BAK ON UR WEDDEN DAE.
Oh dear, he obviously plans to kill me on my wedding day. Well, I will be ready for him. Ha, ha, ha!

 

by fpd
11-16-04
Dearest Elizabeth, let us get married right away.
But I love Archie, Dilton. And why don't you call me Betty like all my other friends do?
Dearest Veronica, let us get married right away.
No thanks, Dilton. I love Archie.
Dearest Nancy, let us get married right away.
I can't, Dilton. The Riverdale zoning laws don't allow me to be with anyone but Chuck Clayton, the token black kid.

 

by fpd
11-16-04
It looks like I won't be getting married anytime soon. Even Big Ethel turned me down.
HOODOO U HAV A C.R.U.S.H. ON?
Betty Cooper. Why do you ask?
KNOW RAISEN.
Oh, my dearest Elizabeth. He has killed you too, and now I have nothing to live for but to seek his destruction.

 

by fpd
11-16-04
Well, hello there Dilton, you have been a very bad boy this year, haven't you?
I unleashed a horrible monster onto the world, but it was all in the pursuit of science. Is that so wrong?
You know it was, Dilton. That's why you've chased him to the North Pole.
I must destroy him, Santa. Do you have anything that could help me in my quest?
All I can give you is some coal to keep warm, Dilton. I don't give nice things to bad boys.
At least promise me that you will destroy him if I die before I can destroy him myself.

 

by fpd
11-17-04
Well, Dilton, do you know what the moral of all this is?
You should never play God?
No, no. I play God all the time. I spy on kids all around the world, judge who's naughty or nice, and dole out rewards and punishments.
Is it that a good father doesn't abandon his kids?
Not exactly. Your own father abandoned you only to protect you from the same people who killed him. That doesn't make him a bad father.
Then it must be that kids without fathers screw up, because look at the mess I made by abandoning my own creation.

 

by fpd
11-17-04
Brrr, it's cold in here. No wonder I had such an awful nightmare. To stay warm at night, I should invent a free energy source that can be distributed on radio waves.
Yes, I'm Dilton Doily. What do you want?
Mr. Doily, or should I say Tesla Jr., the world, by which I mean big oil companies, is not ready for free energy.
Moose, did you hear what happened to Dilton? He killed himself, and the feds confiscated all his papers.
Duh, I don't understand it, Chuck. Why'd my little buddy kill himself by frying his brains with an electric toothbrush?

 

by fpd
11-17-04
Ignatz, I'm very proud of you. Instead of throwing your bricks at Krazy, you've made this brick wall.
Yup. That's what I did.
Goodness. A shower of bricks. Ignatz really loves me.
Why do you even bother, copper? You know you can't hold me in here.
Maybe someday I will. Maybe I'll finally hold you in here this time.

 

by fpd
11-20-04
Of all of America's founding fathers, the most loyal by far was Benedict Arnold.
Unlike such traitors as Washington, Jefferson, and Franklin, Arnold remained loyal to the English crown.
These traitors stole the colonies and wrote a constitution that barred anyone not born on American soil from becoming President.
But Arnold knew that America's rightful rulers were born in Europe, and it was his dream for the colonies to one day return to European rule.
And now a real mensch seeks to become President, but he is barred from doing so by a relic of the founding fathers' silly europhobia.
Show that you're not some yellow girly man afraid of European rule. Amend for Arnold.

 

by fpd
11-27-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Although Bob is no longer with us, I take cheer by thinking of where he is now, finally getting his just reward. So let's not mourn Bob. Let's make this a celebration instead.

 

by fpd
12-02-04
Peter, why have you been cheating on me with Felicia?
Elementary, my dear Watson. She is hardier than you. Hardy har har.
Nancy, why have you been cheating on me with Gerry?
Buzz off, Jack. It is my dream, my passion, to become Nancy Drew, girl detective.
Mom, why did you cheat on Dad with a woman?
He was always in and out like a flash, Felicity. But women take their time.

 

by fpd
12-05-04
I just met the cutest girl, but she doesn't seem interested in me. What should I do?
You should have gay sex with me.
How is that going to help? Wouldn't that be entirely counter-productive?
Not at all. When she thinks you're gay, she'll try her hardest to convert you.
Couldn't I just borrow some fashion tips from the queer eye guys and act like I'm gay?
No, no. She would spot your phoniness. For this con to work, you have to go all the way.

 

by fpd
12-11-04
Hi, I'm Asian Girl #1.
And I'm Asian Girl #2.
We're here to talk to you about stereotyping. Did you know that not all Asian girls are cheap Vietnamese whores.
That's right. For all you know, we are straight-A geniuses who are prodigious Jazz pianists like Keiko Matsui or Hiromi Uehara.
Or we might even be sexy schoolgirls who have superpowers and do it with giant squids.
So do what's ripe. Don't stereotype.

 

by fpd
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
Is it that you're strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
You know I'm made for a woman, baby. That's no secret.
You could've fooled me the way you were flirting with our waiter. Tonight was sure romantic for you two, which is why I was saying you shouldn't have.

 

by fpd
12-18-04
Oh, Asshumpta, after weeks of soul searching, I have realized I love you more than anything.
Peter, the priesthood has been your life. Are you really willing to give it all up?
Asshumpta! Asshumpta! How could the Lord be so cruel as to take you away from me?
Father Clitoris, God smote the heathen woman to punish you for lusting after her in your heart. As penance, you must teach our sex ed class.
So, when Onan spilled his seed on the ground, God struck him dead.
Seriously, Father, does God really care so much about sex that he kills people over it?

 

by fpd
12-21-04
Thingamabob, I can't find any girl to date me. Aren't they supposed to love superheros? What can I do?
Well, Flaming Homo, what worked for me was dating a blind girl. She can't see how disgustingly ugly the comic rays made me.
Hey, Malicia, how about giving me a little sugar, ehh?
I may be blind, Johnny Smog, but I can still smell your stench a block away.
Mmm, all I have to do is disguise myself as Malicia Meisters, and then Johnny Smog will be mine.
Oooh, Ben will hit the roof when he finds out that stinky Smog boy has been hitting on me.

 

by fpd
12-28-04
So, Beetle, can you make it to our New Year's party? The kids would love to see their uncle.
Sure thing, Lois.
Beetle, pack your bags. They're sending us to Iraq.
But Sarge, we've been in the army for fifty years without going to war. Why are they sending us now?
Die, infidel!
And a happy New Year to you too. Gosh, how is a guy supposed to get any sleep with all this racket going on?

 

by fpd
12-28-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
This is the last time I'm going on a blind date.
Did I say something wrong? I thought there was real chemistry between us.
Look, you're a great guy and all, and I'm sure some girls will really dig you, but you're just not my type, okay.

 

by fpd
1-01-05
Sugar, ah honey honey. You are my candy girl, and you've got me wanting you. Honey, ah sugar sugar ...
Ooooh Archie! Aaaaah Archie! Archie! Archie! We love you, Archie! Sugar sugar!
Yes, Mr. Horn, what is it?
Archie, I'm afraid it's another case of video killed the radio star.
Archie Andrews, pure heart throb of millions. You know him from the hit group the Archies and from the hilarious teen sex drama Riverly Dales 90125.
A shocking new video reveals that Archie is really into marital sex, as he does a three-way with BOTH HIS WIVES, Betty and Veronica.

 

by fpd
1-01-05
Did you hear why Archie Andrews sings "sugar sugar" instead of just "sugar"? He sings it once for each wife.
Archie, do you take both Betty and Veronica to be your unlawfully wedded wives?
I do, I do! And I have a special vow for both my candy girls. Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
Why, if it isn't Betty Cooper Andrews, one of Archie's two wives. Why'd you do it, Betty? Why'd you marry a bigamist?
He wasn't a bigamist before I married him. He was always such a good, clean cut, Mormon boy.

 

by fpd
1-01-05
But Officer, what else was I to do? I could never choose between Betty and Veronica. I had to marry them both.
You pathetic behavior is shameful. When you marry more than one woman, you leave the dregs for us average guys.
Big Moose, you're in jail too? What did you do?
Duh, I killed Reggie when he proposed to Midge. Why couldn't you have left Betty or Ronnie for Reggie? Then he would have left my Midge alone.
This is so degrading, Ron. You're both my wives, yet I can have a conjugal visit with only one of you at a time.
Archie, do you know how humiliating all this has been for me? I've been made a laughingstock on late night TV. I'm annulling our marriage.

 

by fpd
1-01-05
Oh, Archie, how could you do it? How could you cheat on me?
What are you talking about, Betty? The only other woman I slept with was Ronnie, and I was married to both of you at the time.
Oh, but you weren't married to her, Archie. She annulled your marriage, which means you were never married to her.
Hey, that's great! That means I never committed bigamy and I can get out of jail.
But, Archie, you have shamed me with your adultery.
But you still love me, right Betty? I mean, Betty loves Archie is an axiom. So, honey, are you going to give me some sugar sugar or what?

 

by fpd
1-01-05
Congratulations on beating the bigamy rap, Archie.
Thanks, Trevor. I'm sure excited about getting back to the recording studio.
I'm sorry, Archie. Adolescent girls want a superstar they can imagine marrying some day, not someone who's been in jail for bigamy.
What will I do now? Am I all washed up?
Well, you could do commercials.
I'm Archie Andrews. I used to think premarital sex was wrong, but I learned my lesson. Now I don't go marry every woman I want to have sex with. I just put on a Trojan instead.
I'm Cheryl Blossom, and I won't do a guy without a Trojan. C'mere Archie, sugar sugar.

 

by fpd
1-05-05
Sucky, sucky, five dollah.
Oh yes, little girl, this is just what I come to Thailand for. The girls back home in Sweden just don't compare to you hot little impoverished Asian numbers.
Topeka, Kansas, December 2004.
Fred, I am going to smite much of Sri Lanka, Thailand, and Indonesia with a giant earthquake and tsunami.
Way to go, God. It's about time you did something about those dens of sodomy.
Aren't you going to ask me to spare them if there are at least 50 righteous people to be found there?
Certainly not. Only some degenerate, reprobate fag-enabler would ask for something so outrageous.

 

by fpd
1-05-05
Next year is going to be shorter than this year.
Yeah, the giant earthquake and tsunami in the Indian Ocean affected the rotation of the Earth so that we now have shorter days.
No, I meant this year is a leap year, but next year won't be. What are you talking about?
Where have you been? It's been all over the news.
I haven't been keeping up with the news, because the Daily Show has been in reruns.

 

by fpd
1-07-05
I came over as soon as you called, Zoe. What's going on?
Oh, Mom! It's the most wonderful thing. Pete and I are going to have a baby.
It sure is a good thing you two are married, or else the child would be a bastard.
You're right. There is nothing worse to give a child than the stain of bastardhood. I am so glad I insisted on marriage before letting Pete knock me up.
Your father, bless his soul, would be so happy to know that you are having a child within wedlock.
Oh, I know. He was never the same after he sired a bastard daughter with that hooker. I wonder whatever happened to her.

 

by fpd
1-07-05
Clango, I met the creepiest guy today.
Do you want me to rough him up for you?
Oh, Clango, stop being such a guy and just listen.
I obey. I am shutting off my guy subroutines.
Would you believe he gave me Kool-Aid and some popsicles made of Coca Cola? And the way he was leering at me!
Oh, men can be such brutes, the way they objectify women by staring and ogling at them. For shame!

 

by fpd
1-07-05
Oh, Zoe, honey, you know how you've always wanted to have children?
Oh yes! Wouldn't a child be just the perfect addition to our family right now?
Well, I have bad news. The doctor told me I'm infertile. I would understand if you wanted to leave me.
Oh, darling, you're not infertile. I should know, for I carry your seed. I'm pregnant.
You slut! Who have you been cheating on me with?
I swear, my darling Peter, I have been with no man but you. The child is yours.

 

by fpd
1-07-05
Well, Zoe, look what you made me do. You gave me no other choice. I had to do it to be with that hot babe.
Oh Zoe, I wish we had a chance to meet before you died. I recently found out you were my half-sister. But I swear, I shall find whoever did this to you and make him pay.
Hey, baby, fancy meeting you here. I was wondering when fate would bring us together again. The moment I laid eyes on you, I knew we would be married.
You again?! I thought you were a creep when I met you, and this is even creepier!

 

by fpd
1-08-05
Thanks for coming. Are you sure you weren't followed?
Of course!
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not a fed!
How do I know you're not?
Смог я поговорить на русском язык
您的俄国人是因此坏, 听起来某事由Babelfish 翻译。

 

by fpd
1-08-05
What I wrote for Babelfish to translate:
Could I speak in Russian if I were a Fed?
Your Russian is so bad, it sounds like something translated by Babelfish.
How Babelfish translated back its translations:
Could 4 have a talk in the Russian language
Your Russian is therefore is bad, sounds something to translate by Babelfish.
How the translation would have gone if the full text hadn't been truncated:
Could 4 have a talk in the Russian language if I was subject?
Your Russian is therefore is bad, sounds something to translate by Babelfish.

 

by fpd
1-12-05
You're probably wondering why I called you here. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is right in this room. Is it his wastrel son, Lord Bunbury, Jr., who needed his inheritance to pay off debts?
Is it his upstairs maid, with whom he shared one night of love thirty years ago that resulted in issue? Is it that issue, who arrived here just last night on a boat from Inja? Is it Lady Marbury?
Is it her brother, the Duke of Earl, or one of the rent boys he regularly hires? Is it Rickets, the chauffeur with the shady past? Is it Pierre LeCirque, international art forger and blackmailer?
Or was it, mayhaps, someone else? I think the answer will surprise most of you just as much as it surprised me when I realized it. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is-- GREAT SCOTT! THE LIGHTS! AAHH!!
It makes me sick how you highlanders think you can get away with killing good English folk. But we got you dead to rights. The detective spilled your name before he croaked, Scott.

 

by fpd
1-14-05
Buy a paper, mister? Big news, today! Weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iran, North Korea, and even Canada.
No, I read the Onion online before it hits the streets. Come, follow me through this abandoned subway.
Welcome, Willy Wanton. I am the grand wizard Shagleg. Repeat my name, and you shall be as a god.
S ................... (Sloth) H ................ (Hubris) A ................. (Anger) G ............. (Gluttony) L ................... (Lust) E ................... (Envy) G ................ (Greed)
Whenever you repeat my name, you will transform into Kapitän Übel, which in English is Captain Evil. Go now and do evil!
Shove off, old man! I'll do whatever I damn well please, and right now I want to eat a ton of burgers, watch some porn, and take a long nap.

 

by fpd
1-14-05
Sorry, kid, but you're too young to get in to see Star Whores: Attack of the Jones. It's rated triple X.
Holy baloney, lady. That's why I want to see it. I want to see Pudme Amy Doll do that Skystalker dude who becomes the Dark Invader.
S ................... (Sloth) H ................ (Hubris) A ................. (Anger) G ............. (Gluttony) L ................... (Lust) E ................... (Envy) G ................ (Greed)
Ha, ha! With my power to turn into a grown up, I can get to see all the porn I want.
Here you are, sir. One ticket for Attack of the Jones. Enjoy the show.
Oh, I will, little lady. And when the show is over, I'll come over and tell you all about it, if you know what I mean. He he he.

 

by fpd
1-15-05
Get away from me, you creep! Don't you know that no means no? Help! Help!
Holy baloney! That creep is going to rape that hot babe, and I know she could do so much better. Shagleg!
Hey, creep, the lady told you no. Now scat before I get evil on your ass.
I'm not messing with you, Kapitän Übel. I've heard that you're one wicked dude.
Holy baloney! You're that hot Tawnee Stoned babe I've seen on the Teen Tiger website. How'd you like to do a superhero?
Rarrh, you can call me Tawnee the Teen Tiger, handsome. But let's do it the right way, in front of a camera. When it's porn, it's not prostitution.

 

by fpd
1-15-05
You, with the stylized umlauted U on your chest, are you the hero Ãœbermensch? We need your help desperately.
Ãœbermensch? ÃœBERMENSCH?! That fancy pants superman gets all the glory. Why, I oughtta murderize the bum!
Well, if you're not Ãœbermensch, who are you?
You have the great honor of beholding the glorious and ever-so superb Kapitän Übel.
Please, Kapitän Übel, the tsunami in the Indian Ocean has devastated so many lives. They need your help rebuilding.
Little girl, if Kapitän Übel can't help them, no one can. But, really, what's in it for me?

 

by fpd
1-15-05
Kapitän Übel, if you go aid the survivors of the tsunami, you will win honor and glory.
But I'll still be overshadowed by that Ãœbermensch glory hog. How I can I get a break if I just do what he does?
Is glory so important? What about honor? What about the people who need your help?
Holy baloney, girl. I already deserve all honor and glory just for being me. I am the greatest, the supremest, the most superb.
Are you saying you won't help the tsunami survivors? Don't you care?
Why don't you bugger off, girl? I am sick and tired of hearing you whine about the needs of others. What about my needs?

 

by fpd
1-15-05
Holy baloney, you have got to be the hottest babe I have ever seen.
Well, you've gotten your thrills today, little boy. Now beat it. I prefer big, strong men to ragamuffins like you.
S ................... (Sloth) H ................ (Hubris) A ................. (Anger) G ............. (Gluttony) L ................... (Lust) E ................... (Envy) G ................ (Greed)
Who the hell does that witch think she is to talk to me like that? But she's hot, and I want to do her.
Hey, baby, it's not every broad who catches the fancy of the magnificent Kapitän Übel. What's your name, hot stuff?
It's not so surprising that I would catch your fancy. After all, I am the world's most beautiful woman, Cutea Sovania.

 

by fpd
1-15-05
Thanks for meeting with me, Kapitän Übel.
I'm sure it's an honor for you to meet me, President Luther. When you asked for my help, I knew this was a lucrative opportunity for me.
I need men of your character on my team, Kapitän Übel. Do you realize that the gravest threat to the world today is overpopulation?
Oh, I know what you mean. How can I get my full share of the pie when so many other people are grabbing at it?
At this moment, Dr. Tedious Botox Sovania is working to prolong the human lifespan, and he wants to share his discoveries with the world.
Holy baloney! He's mad, I tell you. Something like that should be kept in the hands of the powerful elite.

 

by fpd
1-16-05
Holy baloney! Dr. Sovania knows that hot babe, Cutea Sovania. Hmmm. They're both named Sovania. Oooh! That makes me so mad. Why do dweebs like this guy end up with hotties like her?
Hi Daddy, how's your work coming along?
Just wonderful, Cutea. Before long, the human masses will be able to enjoy immortality.
Hotdog! She's not married to the guy; she's just his daughter. Man, I wish I had X-ray vision, so I could look through her blouse. I so hate that Ãœbermensch guy. He has all the cool powers.
You know, Dad, I was wondering, where's the profit in all this?
Oh Cutea, you think too much about money. Just think of the good we'll be doing for mankind.
Holy baloney. I can't believe Dr. Sovania is supposed to be the one with the brains. But I think I'm in love with Cutea. Or at least I'm getting really hot. She has brains and beauty.
Sure, Dad, but can't we do good for mankind and makes a profit doing it?
Cutea, dear, I was so inspired by Firefox being free, I just wanted to give something back in return.

 

by fpd
1-16-05
Ah, Dr. Sovania, word has it you're trying to extend the human lifespan.
You must be the famous Kapitän Übel. Have you met my beautiful daughter, Cutea?
Oscar Meyer be damned! It sure is a pleasure to see you again, Cutea. What a lucky bastard your father is to have a gorgeous daughter like you.
You but state the obvious, Kapitän Übel. No man on earth has a lovelier daughter than my father has in me.
Oh, man, Dr. Sovania, I'll bet you can't keep your hands off this lucious babe. She is such a hot tamale.
Kapitän Übel, did you come here to insult me, or do you have some other business?

 

by fpd
1-17-05
Where are your manners, Dr. Sovania? Why don't you offer me something to eat? It has been almost an hour since I ate.
First you insult me, then you ask me for food. What kind of patsy do you take me for?
I take you for the sort of bleeding heart who would give immortality to the unwashed masses.
Oh, is there something wrong with that? My work will benefit all of mankind.
Holy baloney! You're a retard! Opportunistic corporations would steal your work and use it to enslave the world.
But I planned to copyleft it and make it open source.

 

by fpd
1-17-05
Kapitän Übel, I must ask you to leave. I don't care why you came here.
I came at the request of President Luther to make sure your work doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
But I plan to give it to everyone. So whose hands would be the wrong hands?
Don't you see, you stupid idiot? When you give it to everyone, it will naturally fall into the wrong hands.
And what would the President have me do with my research?
He seeks your cooperation in keeping your research entirely hush hush and under his control.

 

by fpd
1-17-05
I will never turn my research over to President Luther's control. I didn't vote for him. I voted for that nice Bush junior kid.
He has authorized me to terminate your project with extreme prejudice if you don't cooperate.
You couldn't do that without killing me. My research will live on in my brain as long as I live. And superheros don't kill, do they?
You must have me confused with that do-gooder Ãœbermensch. When I got my powers, the old geezer who gave them to me told me to go do evil.
I guess that explains your name. Ãœbel is German for evil. Who was this geezer who gave you your powers?
Oh, he was some dumb old wizard named Shagleg.

 

by fpd
1-17-05
Holy baloney! I accidently said the wizard's name and turned back into Willy Wanton.
Oh ho! So Kapitän Übel is just a little boy named Willy Wanton.
Holy baloney! I just goofed even more and told you who I was.
Quick, Cutea, show him your boobies to distract him while I gag his mouth.
Please, Daddy, my sheer beauty alone is enough to distract any boy.
Shazam? Va va voom? Shazoom? What's that dang magic word? Kimota? Shagwell? Hot damn, I want to shag her so much.

 

by fpd
1-18-05
What do we do now, Cutea? I can't kill the boy, but if I let him turn back into Kapitän Übel, he will kill me. We'll have to flee to the planet Venus.
But, Daddy, Venus is uninhabitable. We would burn up in its atmosphere before touching the ground.
But don't you come from Venus? Isn't that where all women come from?
Daddy, surely you know where babies come from.
All I know is that your mother brought you back after a ten month vaction. I assumed she had gone to Venus and back.
Ten months? Do you know if she went on this vacation with anyone else?

 

by fpd
1-18-05
Oh, how am I supposed to remember the details of your mother's vacation? I was too absorbed in my work to pay attention.
Well, back to our problem at hand, maybe my brother Magnifico could help.
You have a brother?
Didn't you notice that you had two children, Dad?
I was really absorbed in my work, dear. What's your brother up to these days?
He has made a fortune running the Clown King chain of hamburger restaurants.

 

by fpd
1-18-05
Hi Dad, what is this problem you need my help with?
Cutea was reminding me of your mutant ability to manipulate people's minds, and I would like it very much if you would make sure Kapitän Übel wouldn't kill me.
To be honest, I'm not sure I'm the right guy for the job here. What with my Oedipus fantasies, I might screw it up.
In all my years of biological research into extending the human lifespan, I never heard of such a thing. What are you talking about?
It means I'm in love with Mom and want to kill you to have her all to myself.
That's silly. Your mother is dead, which makes such fantasies completely irrational.

 

by fpd
1-18-05
What I'm really good at is making kids want to eat lots of fattening hamburgers. If only this Kapitän Übel were a little boy, I might be able to do something.
Oh, but he is a little boy. He turns into Kapitän Übel by speaking a magic word. I have him bound and gagged right now to keep him from changing back.
Well, maybe with a little bribery and mind manipulation, I can persuade him to be your friend.
Let's try it.
Hey, hey, there little boy, I'll give you a hamburger if you don't hurt my Dad. How about it, huh?
One measly hamburger? Do you call that a bribe? Shagleg!

 

by fpd
1-18-05
Ha, ha, you pathetic bleeding hearts, you don't even have the guts to do in a little boy. Now I have the advantage again.
Wait, wait, we want to bribe you. You don't have any code of honor against bribery, do you?
Let's see. Sloth. No. Hubris. No. Anger. No. Gluttony. No. Lust. No. Envy. No. Greed. No. I think I'm A-OK with bribery. But it better be good.
OK. How about if I make you a celebrity spokesman for Clown King Burgers and give you as many hamburgers as you can eat.
That appeals to my hubris and gluttony. Throw in some hard cash and your hot sister, and we will have ourselves a deal, at least as long as it's not too much work for me.
OK, and in return, you'll let my Dad continue his research in peace, and you'll protect him from outside interference.

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