All comics by somnambulist

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by somnambulist
12-31-05
Introducing... Steve and Squirrel!
Sigh, 2005 sucked ass. I didn't get the job, I didn't get the girl, and all I ever feel anymore is the crushing despair of loneliness.
Oh, cheer up! Let's go to Daisy Buchanan's tonight to drink in the New Year. I'll be your wingman! Chicks dig the tail.
Even if it weren't snowing like crazy out, I'm pretty sure that would be some sort of health code violation.
Well, if you're that worried about it, we can disguise you with a Tom Menino mask. You're mumbly enough, and it's pretty dark in there.
Half of me is mad I'm being ridiculed by a rodent, but the other half is relieved that at least he didn't suggest a Kerry Healy disguise.
Oooh, I almost forgot, we should get you a mayoral sash!

 

by somnambulist
1-01-06
Once again, a blanket of snow has fallen all across New England...
Bah, more snow? Nothing like chiselling your car out of the driveway on a frigid New England morning.
Oh, stop complaining! At least your nuts aren't frozen together.
Give it time.
I'm going to build a snow-squirrel girlfriend!
Maybe I can make a snow girlfriend. It's not like she'd be any more cold-hearted than my last one...
I think I'll call her the Mona Lariscus!

 

by somnambulist
1-01-06
Fuck continuity.
Wow, look, we're on opposite sides of the panels today!
Oh, I hadn't noticed. I was busy pondering this nifty new bench that we're sitting on.
Hey, it's almost like you're Philip Rivers!
Ha-ha, Cesar Crespo. I don't think he spends the afternoon with splinters jammed in his ass.
Also, you don't have a six-year, $40 million contract.
I would if there were a global, multi-billion-dollar television market for competitive ... um ... snoring...

 

by somnambulist
1-02-06
It could happen to YOU!
I hate waking up at 2 in the damn morning with massive insomnia.
Shall we try the normal method of cheering up, then?
Sylvilagus!
Machina!
I always forget... what's the point of all this?
To show what would've happened if Darwin had been a Power Ranger!

 

by somnambulist
1-02-06
Another grand adventure!
I've got mail!
Hey, Squirrel. I'm going to try my new stand-up routine at Thornton's tonight. I'd really like it if you came... I could use a little bit of moral support!
I ate six bowls of Cheerios today, but I'm still feeling sad, albeit surprisingly regular.
You suck, Tim Salmon! You killed my father!
Thank you, and good night!

 

by somnambulist
1-02-06
At Daisy Buchanan's...
Damn it, I'm too drunk to explain why my wing man is a squirrel, but not drunk enough to muster the testicular fortitude to approach a woman alone...
I summon the spirit of Jack Daniels to possess you!
Hi, I'm Steve. I wanted to tell you that I really like your... um... armor.
Um... hi. Thank you. Well, I've got to go, my winged horse is double-parked!
I should probably have mentioned that the guy who invented Jack Daniels died from a self-inflicted injury, unmarried and childless.
Damn you, Richard Wagner!

 

by somnambulist
1-02-06
The obligatory love interest...
Is that guy talking to a... squirrel?
Sigh... there goes another beautiful, intelligent woman. What will it take for her to notice me?
Well, I'm fairly certain that she has picked up on how you haven't changed clothes in four days and your shoes are untied.
Both of which are perfectly valid lifestyle choices.
Richard Blackwell called; he says celibacy is only a choice if you're wearing a robe with a big-ass cross on it.

 

by somnambulist
1-03-06
Intermission...
Why does nobody think we're funny?
The cosmic mysteries of the Dennis Miller ratio are a myriad lot.
What's so wrong about humor that requires the reader to have Wikipedia open in another browser window?
Oh, man, I hate it when he starts throwing all those hammers at you in the fifth castle.
I don't think that's the same thing. And even if it were, I didn't think that happened until the sixth castle.
Too bad there's no bridge axe for the stub about the Holy Umbilical Cord.

 

by somnambulist
1-03-06
Hey, that cute girl is coming over here. Any last advice?
Well, normally I'd offer the usual stuff about "just wing it" or "to thine own self be true" but this is you we're talking about, so maybe just think of something simple and inoffensive.
Hi there! Is that your squirrel? He's really cute!
Um... rocks! Albert Einstein! The War of 1812! The Linux kernel! What the hell is the deal with Topher Grace being cast in the next Spider-Man movie?
Are you OK? You look like you're in some sort of pain.
Huh? Oh, I'm fine. I was just... um... doing some math... in my head... the abstract algebra kind that's just a bunch of letters strung together...

 

by somnambulist
1-03-06
Hey, I like math too! I've been studying engineering at WPI. My name's Allison, by the way.
I'm Steve. I was going to go there too, but I didn't get much financial aid from them. Later, in a fit of irony, my retarded ass would end up getting a finance degree.
Well, isn't the pay almost as good?
That's what I tried to tell the lady at the unemployment office, but she said that isn't how the system works.
If your recitation of the proof of the Chinese Remainder Theorem is a big turn-on for her, do I get to watch you make super-smart nerd babies?
I know this is going to sound weird coming from a random passer-by, but is that squirrel high? He looks way too excited about something, but I can't imagine what it would be...

 

by somnambulist
1-03-06
Why do you look so sad? I bet you have a nice smile!
Oh. Well, it's sort of complicated. I've finally found myself a new job...
Isn't that usually considered a good thing? Unless you joined the mafia or something, and even then I'm sure they have a good dental plan.
Well, no, it's just that after thirteen months of looking, including a 3 month layoff, I ended up at the exact same place I started at, just with a token raise and a more accurate job title.
Well, you can always look for a better job at your leisure now, right?
Yeah, but my new office will actually monitor network usage. So no more printing my resume or spending my lunch break on Monster.com...

 

by somnambulist
1-03-06
Intermission (again).
Man, I suck. I start making a comic about meeting a girl to cheer myself up, and then I can't even make my own damn fantasy turn out quite right!
And now Katrina is bugging me that she wants to be appear in the strip, too. Well, I'd better take care of that before I go to bed tonight...
www.stripcreator.com
Damn it, where's Steve? I wanted to pet the cute little squirrel he talks to!
Well, he was on alt.sex.bdsm an hour ago, but I don't think he'd want me to tell you that...

 

by somnambulist
1-04-06
Oh no! I asked to be in Stephen's comic and I've become trapped here amongst his most disturbing thoughts brought to life!
Booga booga! I am the astral spirit of Dennis Kucinich!
Hi... who are you? Can you tell me how to get out of this place?
I'm Scott Adams. I used the quantum leap accelerator to warn my past self that this sort of thing wasn't going to be any funnier when I did it in my comic, either.
Unfortunately, I leapt into myself at age 14, and in someone else's comic, to boot! So I've just been downloading free porn and playing Zork all day.
Wait a minute... if he could only time travel in his own lifetime, and the background around me is constantly changing, that means... dammit, I didn't want Al's job!

 

by somnambulist
1-04-06
I guess this means you're here to help me set right what once went wrong so that I'll finally be able to return to my own time...
I guess, although technically, I am not really sure if anything has truly "happened" here yet, even for the first time.
Who do I look like, Stephen Hawking? Maybe you should go check on things and then tell me what you find out.
Check on them where? It seems I'm just bouncing around randomly.
Who do I look like, Werner Karl Heisenberg? I'm sure you'll think of something.
Aw, dammit. There goes my pot roast.

 

by somnambulist
1-04-06
Obviously, Steve and Squirrel are the protagonists in this comic. Steve is an in-comic reflection of the author; the squirrel usually makes fun of him/me.
I am actually called "Squirrel." It was easier than coming up with a name.
Scott Adams quantum leaped into a 14 year old comic-strip version of himself. His guide is Katrina, a hologram that only he can see and hear. (Please don't sue me.)
In case you live under a rock, I write "Dilbert."
Also, I seem to be trapped in the strip through some unexplained force.
Allison went back to school to study mechanical engineering at WPI and is Steve's obligatory love interest.
I'm woefully under-developed. Some day I hope to have a personality of my own.

 

by somnambulist
1-05-06
This happened... somehow.
Anyway, that's my number. We should get together again sometime soon!
Yeah, I'd like that.
Argh! When are you going to get to the wacky hijinks?
Sir, I'm going to have to cite you for attempting to incite wacky hijinks in a comic strip. Put your tail on your head and assume the position...
Hmph. This seems a bit anticlimactic. I guess there really wasn't anything to worry about. Just like I thought.
Lothos! Zoey here. I found my sister, but I think we may have a problem...

 

by somnambulist
1-05-06
Pretend it's a speaker phone.
Hi, my password isn't working. Is there any way to have it re-set and then sent to me so I can log on and use my account?
Your PIN number is the one you chose on your EZ-Pass application form. We can mail it to you if you'd like.
But I might have changed the Web password at some point. What good is the PIN if it won't work? Can you reset my password to whatever you mail to me?
Your PIN number is used to access your account until you change it.
Argh! I know that, but... oh, screw it. Send me the PIN, even though it won't get me any more access to my account than I had this morning...
Is there another way in which I can be completely fucking useless for you today?

 

by somnambulist
1-06-06
Sadly, even Hotmail gives you better filter options than these bozos...
Welcome to Comcast e-mail.
You have 37 new messages in your inbox. 36 of them are spam with a bunch of random words in them.
We could have put them in your bulk folder, but we thought this way it would be much more adventurous.

 

by somnambulist
1-06-06
At 3 P.M. on Friday (seriously)
Hi, I'm calling to let you know we would like to hire you! It's $50K a year. If you are still interested, when would you like to start?
Hi, that sounds great! Since you probably won't keep giving me my severance pay in the interim, I'd like to start ASAP.
No problem, I'll have HR mail you the offer letter. By the way, it's my last day here. You can work out all the details with them next week, ok?
I hope this isn't April Fool's Day in his religion. Nah... maybe he'll send me a confirmation e-mail. That'd make sense, right?
You have no new messages.
Shit.

 

by somnambulist
1-06-06
At Sovereign Bank...
Hi... I'd like to find out why I got a letter about my old IRA having an early withdrawal penalty.
Certainly, sir. I'll look that up for you right away.
It's just an old legacy account for $2,000. Why would I take a penalty just to get another account with the same bank? That doesn't make any sense, does it? I'm only 29!
Ah, here we are. There aren't any penalties against your account. I can print the history for your records, if you'd like it.
God damn it! Can't you fuck something up so I can bitch about it in my comic tonight?
Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?

 

by somnambulist
1-06-06
Fucking grue! Oh, hey, Katrina. I hope your day is going a lot better than mine has been so far.
From what I could tell, it looks like everything is going to be just fine.
Then why haven't I leaped yet? Is there something else I'm supposed to do?
What do you mean, "something else?" You haven't done anything yet! I've been doing all the work over here!
Meanwhile...
It appears that Stephen has met Allison already. What are your orders, master?
6 large cheese, 4 medium pepperoni, and 2 small veggie-lover's. And maybe some cinnamon sticks.

 

by somnambulist
1-09-06
Second date...
Mmmm... that was a delicious meal!
Yes. And since this restaurant doesn't have any chairs, we pre-exercised off the calories!
I'm pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to work.
You wanna go get some ice cream and dance a jig just to make sure?
Sadly... yes. But only if you don't start shouting, "I am the Lord of the Jimmies!" like you did last time.
OK. But I still get to perform a minstrel song about sugar cones, right?

 

by somnambulist
1-09-06
OK, fine. The sooner you stop bugging me, the sooner I can go back to playing with my computer, so I guess we'll go look for Sven.
His name is Stephen, not Sven.
Sven, Stefan, 007, whatever. Anyway, what's the plan? What happened to your multicolored handlink thingy?
I dunno. I think one of my kids is playing with it.
Isn't that a bit ill-advised?
Probably, but I'm hoping they'll find a way to prevent all the people who annoy me from ever being born so they won't be there when I get back.

 

by somnambulist
1-09-06
OK, Tina, the beans were exactly $1.27! You get an "Ace." Now choose an item with a price that's ten times the actual retail price, and you win!
Hmm... umm... let's see, Bob... I'll take the box of Twinkies for $9.57.
Damn it, they need to get some more math majors on this show!!
The actual retail price of the Twinkies is... $3.19. You get a "3." So now you have 14, but remember, the house is showing a queen of clubs...

 

by somnambulist
1-10-06
Yesterday, I dropped by where I will be starting work later this month to take care of a couple things...
So, here's the space you'll be working in.
Sigh, shirt and tie. I miss working in a research building where nobody cares what the hell you're wearing...
You'll probably have to figure out what to do with most of this stuff. It's been sitting here unopened since September.
Well, I knew they were clueless to begin with, so this shouldn't be a major surprise. At least I don't have to share my cubicle with anyone...
And you're in luck - close to both the coffee pot and your as-yet-unhired boss's office!
Great, a constant parade of people annoying me all fucking day and a never-ending coffee stench. Yeah, sure, this is going to end well...

 

by somnambulist
1-10-06
Yesterday, in the H.R. department...
OK, so the guy who said I'm hired (who has since left) was going to have HR call me and you never did. Is there someone here who knows about this?
Well, there's me, a VP about two or three levels above you, her executive assistant, and the person who'll be training you.
30 minutes of equivocation later...
And the paperwork I needed to sign?
Oh there isn't any. The guy who hired you left, but he's going to come back on Wednesday and file that with us. But you are hired.
I don't suppose you can help me figure out if I need to pay for COBRA for the 2 weeks between my severance pay ending and me coming back to work again...
Nope. All of our benefits personnel are on a three-hour lunch break. And they don't know anything, anyway.

 

by somnambulist
1-10-06
This is why I don't do this every day...
I'm having trouble thinking of new and funny things for us to do in the comic.
Oh, I've got it! Maybe we can be stalked by some sort of pizza golem!
Nah, I don't think there's any artwork I could use for that.
Well, maybe you could insinutate that Clay Aiken has a fish fetish.
Despite my love of bad puns, I'm not going to resort to using the greasy clay trout.
Too late.

 

by somnambulist
1-11-06
You know what's kind of weird?
Besides you?
Very funny. No, it's that our comics never show up on the front page for "most recent," even if I log out and clear my cache.
Sounds diabolical. I'd suggest you have a secret arch-nemesis, but you're paranoid enough already.
Excellent work! Now go find a way to harm him that actually matters!
Well, if you didn't invent "Handlink Frisbee" last week, it would be a hell of a lot easier!

 

by somnambulist
1-12-06
Shopping with my sister (because my own fashion sense, or rather complete lack thereof, cannot be trusted):
Man, I hate looking for work clothes.
Ha-ha. YOU have to wear a noose all day while *I* will never have to. Ever!
Actually, now that I think about the lifetime of tedium and loneliness that awaits me, a noose doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
But if you kill yourself now, how will you afford having your body frozen and then shot into space on a journey to distant star systems?
Why'd you pick that picture for her? She was nice and helpful and even let you use her Gap discount to buy a shirt. What kind of brother are you?
Well, none of the images look at all like her, and although she's nineteen, she is still technically my little sister...

 

by somnambulist
1-12-06
Hey, son. Can you help me figure out why the hell my work laptop won't connect to my home network?
Well, I don't know much of anything about networking, but I guess I could poke around and try random things which may or may not be a good idea.
Excellent eye! I've been playing with this for days, but never thought to look in "Network Settings" under Control Panel.
Hmm... you have no computer name or workgroup. Maybe set one of those? I just said, I really don't know what I'm doing here so it may be a bad idea...
One reboot later...
I can't log in to Windows. What the hell did you do?? Tell me how I'm supposed to fix it!
Uhhh... gotta go!

 

by somnambulist
1-12-06
And I would walk five hundred miles...
I'm walking.
I am also walking!
And I would walk five hundred more...
Still walking...
Also still walking...
Just to be the man who walked a thou- sand miles to fall down at your door...
Eeek! Sweetie, are you all right?
Okay, what the hell was the point of all that?? My feet are fucking killing me!

 

by somnambulist
1-12-06
Theresa is another real net-friend of mine who asked to be in the comic...
Hey, Theresa. What brings you here?
I want to know all the juicy gossip about your new boyfriend! And I may or may not have an ulterior movtive in asking...
He's a little goofy, but it's OK, so am I. Besides, it's not like it's illegal for us to eat nothing but Cheerios and watch my Stargate DVD's all day...
I wish I were living the Miller High Life. But anyway, does it bother you that even I could kick his ass with my sexy kung-fu fighting prowess?
Nah. He could always make a comic saying you're some sort of kinky sex fiend who runs a brothel in south Vermont...
While I appreciate the flattery, it's still not going to get you two a discount on Swingers Night.

 

by somnambulist
1-12-06
The way things would be if I were in charge of the Discovery Channel:
I shouldn't be alive!
Hmmm...
I agree. You shouldn't be alive.
Don't forget to buy Season 73 on DVD!

 

by somnambulist
1-12-06
Scott and Katrina march on...
Are we there yet?
Apparently not. You'd think we'd eventually get wherever we're going and maybe do something interesting...
I could write a book about humorous occurrences in the workplace. I could call it "Dogbert's Texas Chain Saw Square Dance Massacre."
"You beat your meat, you got two left feet, but you're never gonna know 'til you ask her..."
I didn't know you were a fan of The Fools. Personally, I always preferred "Kill for the Devil."
"You smell like a skunk, you're a pecker when you're drunk. Now we're gonna go a little faster..."

 

by somnambulist
1-12-06
A couple comics ago, I realized that an image I used would probably be a more accurate rendition of me.
Steve #1 (L)... and Steve #2 (R)
But there isn't a picture of him on a bench, so maybe I'll just switch back and forth and confuse people.
You still have to imagine my hair as reddish-blond, but at least it's a start.
Did you do this just so you could leer at my boobs?
Um... is it working?

 

by somnambulist
1-13-06
Each move that you make, wish I could read what goes through your mind...
Telepathy won't save you now! All your rook are belong to me!
Dammit!
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life...
Sweetie, did you put LSD in the Rice Krispies again?
I plead the fifth.
If I was invisible... then I could just watch you in your room...
Very funny. Now get out from under the covers! You're lumping up all of my blankets.
But... I'm invisible!

 

by somnambulist
1-13-06
Look, I'm no fan of George Bush. A retarded monkey would be a significant improvement over him.
Senator Kerry, how would you handle the nuclear threat posed by Iran?
Why do I get the feeling it would be something along the lines of "duck and cover?"
I want there to be someone else to vote for. I really do. Trouble is, the only competing policy positions are "Answer hazy, ask again later..."
Well, that has been mishandled so far. I have a better plan... but I left it at home.
Next to your copy of The Communist Manifesto?
...or, "I'm telling Mommy."
I'd ask the UN to pass resolutions that Iran would ignore entirely. Then, just sit back and wait for the mushroom cloud.
I'm moving to Antarctica. I bet penguins are tasty.

 

by somnambulist
1-13-06
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart...
Damn it... I told her not to entrust me with the cooking!
This gun's for hire...
If I didn't agree to start calling you "Optimus Prime," what makes you think I'm going to refer to you as "Magnum, P.I.?"
How about "Columbo?"
even if we're just dancing in the dark.
Ow! My groin!
Eek! Sorry sweetie. Do you want some ice for that?

 

by somnambulist
1-13-06
True story...
www.google.com
I think I'll Google my grandmother with her maiden name and see if she was originally from Vermont or if it was New Hampshire...
No, that is NOT her real name, you creepy psycho stalker!!
Displaying results 1-7 of 8 for "Gertrude Frank."
Ew ew ew ew ew!
None of them were about her, but the last one said something about "anal beads" and "squirting female orgasms," and then I came running over here...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure your grandma wasn't an internet porn star.

 

by somnambulist
1-14-06
Theresa, this is my boyfriend Steve. Steve, this is Theresa and her two cats. Why don't you two chat while I grab us a few sandwiches?
Sure. Um... hi. So, uh... how are you...?
Yum, sandwiches! I hope mine is tuna!
You're so boring. Don't you ever want to eat anything that's a little more sophisticated? Perhaps a nice cheese and sparrow on rye?
*PEQL = Project Evil Quantum Leap.
I'm OK, considering that achieving world domination with only a two-cat army is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be...
Wait a minute... Those are the cats who ruled Earth in the future, until PEQL* caused Armageddon...!

 

by somnambulist
1-14-06
A trailer in Arkansas...
Former dictator in the Middle East. Although currently incarcerated, hope to be acquitted and then open my own Waffle House in western Kentucky.
Billy Bob, we be gettin' us one o' dem dee-vorces!
An apartment in Quebec...
Charming French midget and former emperor. Currently exiled in Elba and plotting revenge. Cuddle with me and someday we will rule the world!
Hey, asshole, I was using that line way before you!
A cave in Afghantistan...
Handsome Fuhrer, stylish mustache. Seeking lucky lady for exterminating infidels, wild sex, and suicide by bunker. Must have strong jaw. Pic for pic. No fat chicks!
If only he were a woman! Why must you torment me so, O great Allah?

 

by somnambulist
1-14-06
What the fuck is this -- Calvinball ??? NE @ DEN playoff officiating, first half:
The linebacker kneed me in the groin fourteen seconds after you blew the whistle! Unnecessary roughness!
Yeah, but you probably deserved it, pretty boy. False start... back it up!
Pass interference on Asante Samuel:
He grabbed my arm and ripped it off as we ran down the left sideline! That's pass interference!
Yeah, but then he tickled you in the end zone while you looked for the ball, so it's your fault instead. Hey, I've got 50 bucks riding on this game!
I turned off the game for now, but this is what I imagine I am missing:
New England has been flagged for not flossing during halftime. That's a 40-yard penalty and loss of down...
Goddamn bullshit! By the way, Jake, Johnny Damon had the Jesus look first, and he pulled it off way fucking better than you ever will.

 

by somnambulist
1-15-06
I can't stop this feeling / and there's nothing I can do / 'cause I see everything / when I look at you...
Everything? Even gigantic igneous rock formations?
Dammit, only I am allowed to employ literalism to illustrate obvious absurdities!
When I look into your eyes / I can see how much I love you / and it makes me realize...
Wait, what exactly does it make you realize? That you think you forgot to turn off the stove?
That, and how the way we're drawn makes you look about four inches taller than me...
When I look into your eyes / I see all my dreams come true...
Hey! Aren't half of your dreams about demons trying to kill you horribly?
Yeah, but since we started going out, they're, uh, really pretty demons?

 

by somnambulist
1-15-06
This is from actual junk mail I received ("The Joy of Science" from a company called "The Great Courses").
Hey dad, want a good laugh? I got this in the mail and figured you'd get a kick out of #36.
"The Earth as a Planet?"
Yeah. I thought, as opposed to what, exactly? The earth as a giant, evil Transformer that's hell-bent on intergalactic domination?
The earth as a toaster oven!
Check out the price they want for a DVD telling you that, indeed, the earth is actually a planet.
Hey, only $124.95! I should make my own series and sell it on Cafe Press. $799.95 would get an autographed copy of "The Buyer As a Dumbass."

 

by somnambulist
1-15-06
'Cause baby we'll be / at the drive-in / in the old man's Ford...
Don't even think about it! I still have seatbelt burn from the last time.
Well, technically, I drive a Chevy... does that make a difference to you?
behind the bushes / until I'm screamin' for more! more! more!
Are you sure these are ribbed for my pleasure? That felt like a pine cone!
Well, you're the one who's always saying we need to try new things!
Down the basement / lock the cellar door / and baby / talk dirty to me...
Either a flat tax or national sales tax would be much better that what we have today...
You are the sexiest woman who has ever existed. I must have you... on the floor... right now!

 

by somnambulist
1-16-06
Hey dad. Thanks for coming to help me put together my new desk.
Sure, son. Now just let me look over the "destructions" and see what's first...
Four hours later...
That drawer handle is backwards, and you split the wood on piece "Q4."
Let's see... screw 2Y goes into panel "N," carry the four, convert to metric, multiply by the coefficient of refraction...
I'm pretty sure that's not where that nail goes.
You know, I think you're right. I had the diagram upside-down.

 

by somnambulist
1-16-06
So, the comic is called "Steve and Squirrel," right? And I haven't been in it in over a week! Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Dude... a talking squirrel! I am going to be rich!
Actually, no. Funny story - not only can I talk, I'm also psychic, and you're going to be run over and killed by a farm tractor driven by a deranged and drunken Ed O'Neill.
Holy shit! Really?
Dammit! It's really hard to think of interesting, funny things for him to do.
Nah, I'm just fucking with you. But I will bet you $20 that I can go from here without hitting the rim.
Gah! I don't want to see that!

 

by somnambulist
1-18-06
Instead of naming my penis like some guys do, I decided that I would instead name my testicles.
So what are you calling them?
America Balls!
Why the hell would you call your nads America Balls?
Because now I can accuse any girl who won't give me a blow job of being an unpatriotic, commie traitor.
I guess you won't be flying the flag at half-staff anymore!

 

by somnambulist
1-19-06
...so there we were, me on my knees in my in-laws' driveway, when out of the corner of my eye, I see the neighbor across the street watching the two of us!
Damn! So what happened next?
Nothing, really. At least, nothing that tasted particularly appetizing. I just like telling that story where it's kind of sacriligious for me to do so.
So with wild escapades like that, how come he is divorcing you?
Pfft. I guess it was a turn-off. He hardly even remembers it.
He forgot?? Holy shit! Not only would I not forget, I would commission a giant bronze statue commemorating the occasion!

 

by somnambulist
1-20-06
Aww, I bet you were cute back then, too. So what did you listen to on your way off to Catholic junior high school, anyway?
Aerosmith, mostly. I must have played through my tape of "Pump" about 948 times that year.
Oh, you were a naughty boy, listening to that! Aren't virtually all of their songs thinly veiled metaphors for kinky sex?
Yeah, but since I was only 13 and severely repressed at the time, when I heard "F.I.N.E.", I thought that a new kind of jelly in her jelly roll was about a new donut shop.
You're not going to ask if you can get your red wings tonight, are you?
Nah. I'm not in the mood for hockey.

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