All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
9-06-03
BUILD ME AN ARMY...! Er, wait, what was it again? Worth something?
Cut! How many times?! "WORTHY OF MORDOR"! For goodness sake, you only have about two lines! Perhaps we should recast!
Please, no, Mr Jackson! My wife! My kids! Give me one more chance!
I always thought Sauron was just CGI.
Nah, it's cheaper to hire real Maiar. No unions.

 

by andydougan
9-16-03
The debate in the media:
The government was entirely honest. They really believed Saddam was going to atom bomb us all any second.
Ha! What a dupe! The sinister truth is that the government slightly exaggerated Iraq's threat to create an excuse to overthrow the tyrant!
The debate in the real world:
The government lied that Iraq could fight its way out of a paper bag to create an excuse to overthrow the tyrant.
Ha! The government lied because it was ordered to go to war for US oil hegemony.
Meanwhile:
What do you get if you slit David Kelly's wrists and stuff him full of paracetamol?
A handy distraction! Oh, and an orgasm.

 

by andydougan
9-16-03
Tony Blair, Prime Minister, and Jack Straw, Foreign Secretary
Hey Jack, remember how you were actually against the war, but pretended to be for it because I told you to?
Oh yeah. That was a gas.
Well, some guy's gone and put it in a book. Sorry.
Meanwhile, William Straw is visiting his uncle in jail
You know, I think it's terrible, the conditions they keep you nonces in. I'm going to write to the Home Office about it.
My, how you've grown. Come and give your old uncle a kiss.

 

by andydougan
9-21-03
Geoff Hoon, Millbank whipping boy
Like Bill Clinton at the end of his reign, I find myself wondering: "How will history remember me?"
Sorry, what did you just say? I've already forgotten.
Me too. But it probably wasn't important.
What wasn't?

 

by andydougan
10-14-03
Ariel Sharon, Jewish bigshot, and a Syrian-trained jihadi, Arab poor shot
I'm sorry about our attacks on your country last week. I've seen the error of my ways. In fact, you might say I've undergone a Damascene conversion.
Yeah?
Aye, cos I'ma convert Damascus into a smouldering pile of entrail-ridden rubble!!!!! Haw!

 

by andydougan
10-29-03
Iain Duncan Smith, Tory leader at the time of writing, and Phil Gallie, pompous cretin at the time of writing, not to mention every other time
Very soon we'll see the culmination of my two years of leadership!
You getting booted out, you mean.
Don't be so pessimistic!
I wasn't.
Well, if there is an election, I'll wreak vengeance on that turncoat David Davis! I'll vote for him! Mwa ha!
Quiet, man.

 

by andydougan
10-29-03
Iain Duncan Smith and Phil Gallie
I'm a bit concerned about the confidence vote. I'm afraid I might not win by a decisive enough margin to really unite the party.
I really don't think you need to worry about that.
Phew! That's a relief!
Fancy a cigarette?
Okay. I don't normally smoke, but for some reason I think I'd better start living for the moment.
You might want a blindfold too.

 

by andydougan
10-29-03
IDS and Phil Gallie await the results of the confidence vote
Phil, I put on a brave face for the cameras, but in my heart I believe I may be in trouble here.
What? You? In trouble? Unthinkable!
Over the years, I've lost my ability to tell: are you being sarcastic?
Why, Iain! I don't know the meaning of the word!
"Expressing or expressive of ridicule".
Ah. Then yes.

 

by andydougan
10-29-03
The Conservative Party go to vote
It's good to know all my friends have got my back!

 

by andydougan
11-05-03
Don't be shy! Give it a try!
Help the...
Help the baldie homeless guy!
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?

 

by andydougan
11-08-03
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Prince Charles denies not-overly-surprising allegations about his past! Jennie Bond is on the scene!
That's right, Huw. Unfortunately, due to a court ruling, we can't actually say what the allegations are. We can only hint at them with innuendo.
By the way, I would sooner die than see some hoofter befoul the throne of England with his semen-encrusted rectum.
Just thought I'd bring that up.
On a more scandalous note, Paul Burrell's book continues to sell like it's going out of fashion...

 

by andydougan
11-10-03
Michael Howard, newly appointed leader of the Tory Party, at a press conference
Mr Howard, what do you say to those who think you're a little too right-wing to appeal to the average voter?
Ha ha. I can assure you, Andrew, no one is more committed to moderate conservatism than I am.
Later, at a private meeting of the Tory faithful
On a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!
Heil! Heil! Heil!
But enough about my time as Home Secretary.
DER PARTY VILL LAST VUN SOUSAND YEARS!!! Well, minutes, maybe...

 

by andydougan
11-24-03
Ian Huntley at the Soham murder trial
So let me see if I've got this right: the girls were alone with you in your house, you cut their clothes off, and you burned and buried their corpses.
Right.
But you didn't kill them.
Yeah. They just died.
They just died.
Now, I can see how it might look a bit fishy...

 

by andydougan
11-26-03
Jack McConnell and Tom McCabe, Scottish Labour dons
Bad news. Our Liberal Democrat coalition partners insist that we bring in proportional representation for local elections.
What? But you said they'd do whatever we told them! That was the whole point!
This is terrible. Your old hauners on Glasgow City Junta won't be pleased that they'll actually have to be elected in future.
I know! Let's use taxpayer money to give golden handshakes to councillors who lose their seat! (ACTUAL POLICY) After all, the taxpayers aren't going to complain!
Great idea! That should compensate for the ugly prospect of democracy coming to the councils!
Brrr! Don't use the d-word!

 

by andydougan
11-26-03
The Soham murder trial
Could you describe exactly what happened, Mr Huntley?
Sure. There I was, minding my own business, when suddenly a shuriken flies through my window!
Before I had time to think, ninjas burst into the house, cut Holly and Jessica to ribbons, plant conclusive forensic evidence all over my person, and vanish in a puff of smoke!
The prosecution rests.
Wait! I never told you about the werewolves!

 

by andydougan
12-02-03
The trial of Ian Huntley, "alleged" child murderer
So you've decided to change your story, Mr Huntley?
Yeah, I made a mistake before. The girls aren't actually dead at all.
What.
It's just that they've run away to become Sikkimese sherpas. And if no one's died, I can't have killed anyone! Quod erat demonstrandum.
How do you explain their dead bodies?
I dunno, man. Being a sherpa is a dangerous line of work.

 

by andydougan
12-03-03
The new caring Conservative Party
Singin' Thatcher Reagan Botha Pinochet!
Singin' Thatcher Reagan Botha Pinochet!
Singin' Thatcher Reagan Botha!
Thatcher Reagan Botha!
Thatcher Reagan Botha Pinochet!
Oh, she'll be comin' round the mountain...

 

by andydougan
12-04-03
Haw! Ah heard you're a pure VL!
Shucks. Who's been blabbing?
No one, imbecile. That's the whole point.
Hang on. I think that stool sample I stole from the hospital is leaking pus.
Muuuuuuuum!

 

by andydougan
12-14-03
Saddam Hussein, formerly smooth-chinned dictator, is in hiding
Mwa ha! Those foolish Yankees will never find me here!
What's up, mothaFUCKA!
Drat the luck! The Americans! But how...?
Luck, really. Our croquet ball rolled in here and I came to look for it. Er, mothaFUCKA!
I like your boutonniere.

 

by andydougan
12-14-03
Captured by coalition forces, alleged tyrant Saddam Hussein is locked up with Ian Huntley, alleged child killer
What are you in for?
Killing wee girls. But I didn't do it.
Oh?
Yeah, I got it all figured out. You see, it all started when aliens from Proxima Centauri genetically engineered the DNA of a common lungfish...
Much later...
..and that's when Jessica returned from the year 1742, little realising she was pregnant with Elvis's child...
Haw! Looks like ol' Saddam's got what was comin' to him!

 

by andydougan
12-15-03
Christian Slater, psychotic actor
Hi, Russell? My new masonry hammer's just arrived! Want to go out and beat up beggars?
Maybe later, man. The mother-in-law's coming for dinner and I've to make a courgette salad. Then we're going to watch Fried Green Tomatoes.
No worries. See you around.
Sigh...it's always sad to see another one go...
Help me...I've got gum fragments in my lungs...

 

by andydougan
1-02-04
When is 2001: A Space Odyssey meant to be set?
If I was a manga character, I'd have a gigantic teardrop appearing on the side of my face.
Do you not know, then?

 

by andydougan
1-05-04
I fled Tibet with my family in the cargo hold of a sewage-removal boat. I'm now being sent home to be tortured to death by the government. What are you in for?
I used my girlfriend's fortnight-old daughter as a slip-on toy until her entrails started coming out.
The police thought I'd better stay overnight in the cells. Then I'm getting out to marry my girlfriend.
Can you teach me to impress chicks?

 

by andydougan
1-07-04
It's true what they say: you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
It's hard to get worked up about your miniscule problems when people in Iran who never had much to begin with have just lost it all.
Aren't you the guy who severs people's scrotums just because they cut footage of you reading one of your atrocious poems?
Yes, so watch it.

 

by andydougan
1-23-04
Kerry
I'm the current frontrunner. I'm as much in the dark as you as to why. My policies consist of doing what the President says.
Lieberman
The electorate are unlikely to vote for me because my people killed Christ. And even if they hadn't, Jeb Bush would fix it so I lost.
Edwards
I style myself on John Kennedy. So let's hope I get shot in the head.
I hate this job.

 

by andydougan
1-23-04
Clark
I ordered the start of World War 3, but my subordinates disobeyed. That's better than the incumbent, who gets obeyed when he does it!
Sharpton
I'm the token radical who has about as much chance of winning as Laura Bush has of becoming a quantum physicist.
Dean
WE'RE REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO NEW HAMPSHIRE!!!!!!! WE'RE GOING TO KICK SOME WARMONGERING @$$!!!!!!!!! IT'S IN THE BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hate it.

 

by andydougan
1-23-04
Downing Street
...and those are the candidates competing for the chance to lose to George W. I've been Andrew Marr.
Baws.
Jack! We could be dead men here. If Bush wins again and gets us to make up more stuff about weapons, we can kiss goodbye to our cunts.
"We"? "Us"? "Our"? "Cunts" plural? As I recall, it's you everyone loathes the sight of.
Get behind me or...or...or I'll have your whole family jailed!
See you in hell!

 

by andydougan
1-27-04
Early January: Greg Dyke, BBC Director-General, and Huw Edwards, BBC news anchor, peruse the month's political agenda
It says here that the tuition fees vote and the Hutton Report are due on consecutive days!
So what?
So, we can present this as "the most important 24 hours of Tony Blair's life"! We can pretend his career hangs in the balance! Imagine the ratings we'll get!
But he'll win the vote thanks to his robots in Scotland. And as for Hutton, do you really expect him to say anything bad about a British Prime Minister?
Well, I know how to put an exciting spin on a boring story. That's why I'm Director-General and you're just the hunky face of teatime.
I thought that was because you let them use your perineum as a coathanger at cabinet meetings.

 

by andydougan
1-29-04
Tony Blair and Alastair Campbell celebrate their names being cleared
That was a pretty shrewd move on my part, choosing Lord Hutton to oversee the inquiry.
Yeah. As a former opponent of the extradition of General Pinochet, he has a history of coming up with the goods for mass murderers.
Er, I meant because he's displayed such impartiality and sound judgment.
Oh.
I guess we won't be seeing any more of those "B. Liar" placards from now on!
It's the summer of '97 all over again!

 

by andydougan
1-29-04
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Alastair Campbell, former spin doctor and Britney Spears stalker, is with us to talk about the Hutton Report.
The Prime Minister told the truth, the government told the truth, I told the truth. The BBC, from the Chairman and Director General down, did not. (ACTUAL QUOTE)
From the Chairman and DG down? What, even me? Even the janitor?
That fucking janitor's the worst of the fucking lot!
But the janitor's a lifelong Labour Party member.
Well, of course. How do you think he managed to get the job?

 

by andydougan
1-29-04
A young Tony Blair
I never cut down the cherry tree!
Now, son, the whole street saw you do it. Don't tell lies.
I demand an apology for your outrageous accusations! My mate Brian down the road says I told what I believed to be the truth on one occasion, about something else, long ago.
But couldn't you still be lying about the cherry tree?
Dad, today was a test of character, and you've failed it.
I resign.

 

by andydougan
2-01-04
I came back from a Super Bowl party.
Eh? What are you, some kind of jock?
Super Bowl is becoming the second biggest American holiday after Christmas. And soon it will surpass that.
You JEWS WOULD LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU?!
I enjoy Christmas even though I'm Jewish. I enjoy Super Bowl Sunday even though watching football makes my eyes want to implode.
Too bad you don't have a holiday for sticking red hot pokers through your anal wall, then.

 

by andydougan
2-03-04
My life has never been as bad as it is now. My only happiness is when I go to bed and rejoice that another day is over.
In the night I wake, my hair sticky with tears and sweat. I lie awake til morning, cursing the cowardice that stops me washing down paracetamol with the nightly whiskies.
I won an Oscar because my muscles are big.

 

by andydougan
2-06-04
John Kerry, aspiring presidential nominee, discusses campaign strategy
Senator, polls indicate your war record is your main - not to mention sole - selling point. Try to play that up.
You mean, sprinkle my speeches with some Nam metaphors and puns? That I can do!
George Bush, we're going to "boot" you and your whole "camp" out of the Oval Office!
We're going to napalm you right back to "the world"!
We're going to hack off your ears and wear them as necklaces!
He makes a good case, but I still like that nice Kucinich man.

 

by andydougan
2-06-04
The Punisher, starring Thomas Jane and John Travolta, will open in theaters April 16, 2004.
Which of them plays the punisher, and which the punishee?
It is usually not necessary to formulate separate groups of suggestions for punisher and punishee dysfunctions.
A punisher is angry at the punishee and takes out his hostility on him. There can be no effort to communicate the reason between punisher and punishee.
I hope there's lots of shooting in it.

 

by andydougan
2-09-04
Look, Lethal Weapon 4 is on. The best of the series. Which is like being the best pustule on my rump.
You know Jet Li is only 4'7", don't you? He's also 2042 years old, and the last one left of the ancient Dong dynasty.
He can levitate, teleport and make a model Enterprise out of a milk carton and a dead armadillo.
I can make a dead armadillo out of a live armadillo using only a loaded firearm.
Mind you, one thing he can't do is act.

 

by andydougan
2-16-04
Come on, sweetie. Say "mama". Maaa-maaa. Maaaaa-maaaaa.
BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!
No, idiot. "Mama".
Want sleepy.

 

by andydougan
2-17-04
Russell Crowe and Christian Slater, thespian thugs
That was a pretty wild party.
If you don't have to wade through waist-deep viscera to get to the door of the club, you've wasted the night. That's my motto.
Maybe married life is turning me soft, but I find myself pondering the ethical implications of our behaviour.
Well, the number of children I conceived tonight is probably about the same as the number of lives I cut short. So I like to think it balances out.
I don't think there's any way those women are still capable of giving birth.
Aw, no! We have to go back! I've left my siege engine inside!

 

by andydougan
2-19-04
Hi.
*jams handlebars in your fucking liver*
*watches handlebars dissolve*
My handlebars!

 

by andydougan
2-20-04
Iraq's a fucked-up situation and that's the only way you can put it.
WOW!!!
Did you hear that???
That BLEW MY MIND, man! It was like the BLINDERS came off!
I'd been arranging to spend my summer holidays in Iraq.
Well, nothing for it. Chechnya it is.

 

by andydougan
2-20-04
I've just been reading the Chechnyan tourist brochures. It sounds heavenly. Apparently the ground is an exotic red colour.
And you can often hear what they call "the wails of the dying".
Must be the way the wind blows through the steppes or something.
I hope not to miss the "Artillery Bombardment" season.

 

by andydougan
2-25-04
John Edwards and John Kerry, presidential candidates
This presidential primary campaign ain't big enough for the both of us!
If the results so far are any indication, it seems the voters agree with you on that, if on nothing else. Ho ho.
Of course, if y'all were to tragically buy the farm, I'd win by default!
Son, I wouldn't even try it. When you were still in diapers, I was learning how to gut a dink at thirty paces.
It's a bit tiresome how you always go on about Vietnam.
Vietnam?

 

by andydougan
2-26-04
Tony Blair, principle politician who had the courage to side with the most powerful force on Earth, at a press conference
Are Clare Short's allegations that Britain bugged Kofi Annan's phone true?
Well, I think Clare's behaviour is deeply irresponsible.
Er, very nice. But is she telling the truth?
Wait, wait, there's more: not only irresponsible, but entirely consistent! Haw! ZING!
Aren't you worried that people will take your refusal to answer as an admission of guilt?
David Hill didn't give me a clever riposte to that one.

 

by andydougan
2-28-04
Chez Crowe
Honey, I'm *hic* home!
I don't believe it! You've been out at the pub all night again!
Mother always said I shouldn't marry a workshy waster like you! And she was right!
Do we have a fishhook or something? I need to dig the shrapnel out of my kidney.
You're getting bile on the carpet!

 

by andydougan
2-29-04
The fellowship
Tonight, Ian, is our night! The night when I finally wreak bloody vengeance on those boys who bullied me in school!
They didn't bully you for being a crap director. They bullied you for being a fat speccy. And you still are.
GIVE ME AN OSCAR WORTHY OF...er, MY PERFORMANCE!
Sorry, Sauron. You're not nominated, nor are you invited to the ceremony. But I got you a black-and-white portable TV with crap reception to watch it on. Bye!
The Return of the King? That film owned! Apart from that flying eye guy. He couldn't act for balls.
This is enough to make you want to enshadow the western lands.

 

by andydougan
2-29-04
Peter Jackson and Ian McKellen, eccentrics
For your sake I hope we win tonight. I'm still young, but at 98, this is probably your last shot at glory.
I'm 64.
Russell Crowe and Christian Slater, warrior-poets
I'm not nominated?!?! Not for anything?!?!?!
My friends Smith, Wesson, Black and Decker gots something to say about that! You in?
The Academy
I was moved to tears by Seabiscuit. Tears accompanied by cries of "Oh God make it end!" But let's give it Best Picture anyway.
Isn't this how A Beautiful Mind won?

 

by andydougan
2-29-04
The Academy Awards
I'm here with Best Actor nominee Jude Law! Jude, why do you think that film you were in was so popular?
Well, it was based on a great book and contained rich characters and deep, evocative symbolism...
I don't think I exaggerate when I call it the apex of our achievement as a species...
What a dick! I'm off to bed.
Tora Bora
I hope Master and Commander wins Best Makeup. That'd cause the downfall of western society.
Silence! Can't you see Tim Robbins is about to make a nauseating speech full of "caring" claptrap?

 

by andydougan
3-01-04
I just went to see that film The Passion of the Christ.
Uh oh. I bet you really hate Jews now.
Why's that?
I heard that the film brainwashes everyone into thinking they're deicidal money-grubbers who are only good for sucking up chlorine gas.
You mean like when I saw Schindler's List and ended up hating all Germans?
Yeah, or how Lady and the Tramp made you hate all Siamese cats.

 

by andydougan
3-10-04
So we've been getting e-mails with virus attachments in university lately. I wrote a mail to the whole class telling whoever was responsible to stop or I'd rip their cunt or penis off.
Then I accidentally pressed "send". That's why I need a quick and painless way to kill myself.
Have you tried tying your pancreas to a door and then slamming it?
Yes, but I'm not very good at knots.

 

by andydougan
3-22-04
Time is running out for Ahmed "Sharkey" Yassin!
Am I to be called a murderer, because valiant men have fallen in battle?
Looks like it!
...but Mr McConnell declined to oppose the Home Office, insisting that "slaughtering the firstborn" was a reserved matter. In other news, Hamas honcho Ahmed Yassin got his today.
And after he got his part cut in Return of the King, too...

Showing page 16.

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