All comics by ComedyGeek

Profile

 

by ComedyGeek
5-19-09
Tonight on Fox, Prison Rapists : Vile Monsters, or Unsung Heroes?
Say what now?
"Prison rapists are often villified by the media, Rush, but fear of violent anal rape prevents more crime than any other factor!"
"It's really the ultimate deterrent."
Not for all of us, pal.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-21-09
Oh hi there! You caught me in the middle of updating my status... we birds are natural Twitter users.
*beep* An unexpected error has occurred. This program must be shut down.
Well poopies. Say, what's the deal with "An unexpected error has occurred", anyhow? As opposed to what? An expected error?
Erasing hard drive....just kidding! You're totally going to have to cold boot now though.
"Oh yeah, we totally knew this error was going to happen, but we didn't do anything about it. We thought it would build character. "
The bird knows too much.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-21-09
Well, I guess they aren't gonna eat me after all.
How sad.
Um, guess I am sorry for some of the stuff I said...
Only some?
Well why don't you go FUCK yourself, then?
Would if I could, dear.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-22-09
One of the best parts about being a writer is the power.
BEHOLD! I am your God, your Lord, your Father, and your Creator!
Within the world you create, even God is just another character who does what you want Him to do
The following announcement is of vital importance to all of my Creation!
Like, say, make surprising announcements.
LEAVE MY HOMOSEXUALS ALONE! I mean, come on.... they're adorable!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-23-09
HWT Presents : Mister Bitter!
Look at those people. Makes me sick. Sitting there, all pretty, with the world handed to them on a plate.
I could have had a nice plum life like that, on TV all the time, everyone making a fuss over them, celebrities coming and going all the time, if I'd had all their lucky breaks.
Bloody Ethiopians.
...for only pennies a day, you could sponsor a child...

 

by ComedyGeek
5-24-09
Hey Hank! Something just occurred to me!
Oh?
Congratulations?

 

by ComedyGeek
5-25-09
Good evening, and welcome to Evening News. I'm Tad Pretentious.
And I'm Mary Widow. Today's top story : Scientists claim to have isolated the so-called "gay gene".
This gene, which is found in only about one percent of the male population, is responsible for all cases of men being "born gay".
Then professor, how do you explain the remaining nine percent of the male population who identify as gay?
Obviously, they're not really gay. They're just men who love cock.
Works for me! Back to you, Mary and Tad!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-26-09
Pseudo-Intellectuals
Troffeau rashamon dialectic post-everything eclectic.
Dadaist millenial structuralist hipster "ironic" non-locality.
Real Intellectuals
Flintstones Hollywood Squares Goonies Mighty Orbots!
McSweeny's Megatron Devo Gilligan's Island Raichu!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-27-09
Oh great Guru, why must I always choose amongst millions of options?
Because you have no choice.
But I can't do that! Is there a solution for my option paralysis?
There are many. You must pick one.
Wait, are you being Zen, ot just ironic?
Yes.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-28-09
HWT Presents : The Most Over Indulgent Mother Ever
Awww, is Mister Jones busting my poor baby's ass?
Uh huh!
Well don't you worry, dear, Mama scored you some real primo smack!
Yay!
You run and get your works while Mama washes up your "special spoon"!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-29-09
You've never experienced anything like.... SPLORGLE.
Yeah, well, I've never had a hernia either, doesn't make it a good thing.
Available in three flavours : Cosmic, Mystical, and Extreme!
None of those sound like flavours. Actually, none of those sound like FOOD.
Connect with some today.... or we'll kill your parents.
Wait, what? OK, that's it, marketing has officially gone too far.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-30-09
HWT Presents : Animals Experiment With Ironic Negation of Cliches
It was like a perfect storm of weather!
Wow.
Halal meats, traditional Middle Eastern clothing... this place must be like a Mecca for Muslims.
Indeed.
They say that Big Ben's chimes sound ever hour on the hour.... like clockwork!
You could set your watch by it!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-31-09
Oh I remember! I just realized.... we both like boys!
This is true.
Except for me it isn't weird, 'cause I'm a girl.
Riiiiight.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-01-09
On-hold music is not without its perils. For one thing, they keep interrupting the music.
'cause I'm as free as a bird, y'all... and this bird you cannot YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE...
Fuck!
And sometimes, if it's a really good song, you're disappointed when the person finally answers.
Uh.... could you put me on hold again? At least until the end of Stairway?
*sigh* OK, but this is the last time!
And of course, whatever you do, don't sing along with the music, or this is bound to happen...
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIIIIE! Oooooh baby.... uh, hi boss.
Hello..... "baby".

 

by ComedyGeek
6-02-09
That's So 80's : Jokes with "cable" as the punchline
Did you order a pizza with EXTRA SAUSAGE? *bow chikka wow chikka*
I didn't know you had CABLE! *laugh track*
Extremely earnest music videos about the homeless
This guy.... he lives on the street... and nobody cares..... my god, people suck.... I mean look at his guy...
Actually, I'm the director of this video. This is my lunch.
Heavy-handed anti-drug cartoon episodes
I may be a being of pure evil who has tortured and killed innocents for my own sick pleasure, but even I wouldn't have anything to do with drugs!
Yeah, they're worse than ANYTHING!

 

by ComedyGeek
6-03-09
HWT Presents : Wrong Answers
Daddy, where did I come from?
Well dear, you know your mother's vagina...?
Where is the bathroom?
Why do you want to know?
Are you one of my hallucinations?
No, you're one of MINE!

 

by ComedyGeek
6-04-09
It must be fun to get a collect call from Hell, Michigan
You are receiving a collect call from..... Hell... will you accept the charges?
Um..... okay. Grandpa, is that you?
My hobby : shouting surreal slogans
Equality for some!
Dating a philosopher
Did you sleep well last night?
By whose standards?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-05-09
Our top story tonight.... in support of atheists, God has announced plans to stop existing.
But first, in deference to the new economic realities in the news business, this word from our new sponsor, IHOP.
*ahem* Come to IHOP to try our latest sensation, the Luftwaffle.
It'll blitzkrieg your tastebuds with flavour!
I feel dirty now, Mary.
Me too, Tad. Hold me.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-06-09
Back to our top story, God has announced plans to stop existing some time in the near future. We go now to a press conference in Heaven.
Well, I've been reading a lot of Richard Dawkins lately, and what he says really makes a lot of sense. Ceasing to exist seems like the best way to support him.
And when do you plan to stop existing, God?
Well now, if I told you, that would defeat the point, wouldn't it? Could be tomorrow... could be a million years from now. In fact, I might have already done it.
Stop showing off, Dad! And hey, just when you planning on telling ME about this big plan of yours?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-07-09
Jesus Christ, here we go again.
You're You-damned right! This is so typical of you, making great big plans without even asking me. You're not the only one in the Trinity, you know!
Listen, we've been through this. You ARE me, and so anything I decide, you decide too....
Oh, save it for the Catholics! You had a Son for a reason, don't you remember?
Yeah, and what about me?
Yeah, and what about the Holy Ghost?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-08-09
How are the plans for the next Earth Excursion Vessel coming along, Throknor?
Quite well, Your Handedness. The new ship looks exactly like what the Earthlings call a "Frisbee".
Excellent work, Thronknor. And please, call me "Wooby". All my friends do. Now, what about the Neural Interface Record and Archive project?
We are still abducting and "interfacing" with humans... "Wooby"... but I still insist that what you insist is a Neutral Interface actually has another purpose.
I'm well aware of your perverse theories, Throknor. But everyone knows that all sentient species vent their wastes as steam, not..... what you've said.
Do I have to show you the picture of the toilet again, Wooby?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-09-09
Operation prohibited by disc.
Son of a.... OK, WTF is it with DVDs that I OWN having opinions on how I use them?
Nope. Not letting you fast forward either.
My VHS tapes don't tell me how to watch them. My CDs don't try to stop me from skipping tracks I don't like.
Watch these shitty trailers or else, bitch!
I swear, the first company to make a DVD player that ignores this bullshit will make a billion dollars overnight.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-10-09
And what brings you to see Doctor Phillips today?
I believe I have Wealth Dysphoria.
Wealth Dysphoria?
Yes. I'm a rich man trapped in a poor man's body.
I see.
However, I'm confident that with some very expensive treatments, I can be cured.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-11-09
Hey Hank, you asshole! You're just the flaming queer useless sack of shit bull I want to talk to!
Hi Lurlene. Nice to see you too.
Because of you, I've now rejected all you stupid patriarchal know-it-all bulls and everything you stand for, and become an angry, lesbian, man-hating....
... bull dyke?
YES! I mean.... no! I mean.... gah, I hate you SO MUCH!
Nice piercings, by the way. Those still give milk?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-12-09
Hey Carl, did you see that awesome demo for Project Natal?
Yup. Looks pretty sweet. But I'm not interested.
Why not? Dude, you ARE the controller! What could be cooler than that?
Yeah, except for one thing. It's MICROSOFT.
Good point. I guess if everything that looks cool in a Microsoft demo turned out that way, we'd all have flying cars by now.
And an operating system that actually WORKS.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-14-09
Wow! So this is a real live alien spaceship!
Yup. I came here all the way from the planet Catamite in search of one thing, Earthling.
And that is?
Freaky gay sex with a monkey.
Then why do you need me? I don't have a monkey.
You ARE the monkey, dumbass! Now help me with my Speedo...

 

by ComedyGeek
6-15-09
One definition of a social conservative is someone who thinks the problem with society is that we have too much freedom
The problem with freedom is that it gives people the idea that they can do whatever the hell they wants!
Yeah!
They resolve the conflict between the desire to compete and the desire to conforming by super-comforming
I'm the most average citizen... IN THE WORLD!
No, I AM!
In turn, they expect to be rewarded for conforming, and for nonconformity to be punished
I destroyed my inner self out of fear of punishment! If the punishment isn't there, then what I did to myself was pointless and horrible!
Clearly, then, the punishments must conitinue! Fair's fair.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-15-09
Kevin! It is I, your future self, traveling back from the future to issue a dire warning!
Oh my god.... what is it?
Do not buy that Anne Rice book!
Why not? Will that set off a chain of events that will have horrible consequences for the whole human race?
No, it's just not very good, and the ending sucks balls.
That's IT? You traveled all the way back from the future to tell me that? God, I'm a putz.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-16-09
Hank watches some more Star Wars
You don't know the POWER of the dark side of the force!
So what... 220V? Will I need an adapter?
Join me, and together we can bring order to the galaxy!
Yeah, but it would be really SHITTY order.
Just for onces, let me look upon you with my own eyes.
Well, OK, let me help you off with that.... holy SHIT,how did taking your helmet off turn you into a fat albino black guy?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-17-09
Doubts continue to mount about the recent Iranian election...
Things are looking pretty bad for Ahmadinejad. The question has become not so much "Did he rig the election?" as...
President Ahmadinejad released a statment today, saying...
... why did he do such a crappy job of it? The science of rigging elections is highly developed.
"OK, maybe a 62 percent majority was a bit much. Would you believe 55 percent? "
I mean, don't they have Diebold in Iran?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-18-09
... and there he was, naked as a jaybird!"
OK, folks, WTF is with that phrase? How the hell did the innocent jaybirds somehow become the definition of human nudity?
I mean, what weirdo looked at a jaybird and thought "My god, that bird is NAKED!" Hel-LO, it's a BIRD! It's an animal! Of course it's naked!
It could just as easily have been "naked as a bear" and it would have made just as much sense!

 

by ComedyGeek
6-19-09
And now, Sharon Lewis and Lambchop!
Oh, this should be good, as long as she doesn't do "The Song That Never Ends".
One moment.... I've just been told we couldn't get Sharon Lewis... so we had to go with neurotic comedian Richard Lewis.
...and my parents, oy, they named me after an entree. Do cows name their children Steak Tartare? I don't think so. My therapist...
I'll have to mention this to cousin Brisket...

 

by ComedyGeek
6-20-09
What NOT to say to the cop who just pulled you over
So. Too dumb for the Army, huh?
Look. You might as well leave now. You’ll never find it.
How much to just have you handcuff me and beat me up a little?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-21-09
Sir! Guess what just happened!?A group of people just beat, tortured, and stole from someone they didn't like!
Oh my god, that's terrible! Did anyone else see this?
Plenty of people, sir, but they all just laughed or pretended not to notice, and nobody did anything to stop it!
What about the authorities? What did they do?
Nothing, because they were all children!
Oh, well, that's all good and proper, then. For a moment I was worried.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-22-09
After one week in prison
Oh God, honey, it's hell in here! You've got to get me out of here!
I've got Daddy working on your appeal, honey!
One month later...
You know, once you get to know some of these guys, they're actually pretty nice. I mean REALLY nice... they'll do almost anything...
Don't worry, dear, we'll have you out of here soon!
One year later....
Bah! Begone, foul creature... I no longer crave you or your kind!
Daddy says it's taking so long because.... wait... are you wearing perfume?

 

by ComedyGeek
6-23-09
Hey Hank! Have you seen my copy of "Pulled Pork" around?
Sorry, no. Wanna borrow my copy of "Bum Steer"?
No, thanks, it's not the same. You got "Makin' the Bacon"?
No, but I have "Tight Jerseys" and "Beef Strokin' Off".
...we ARE talking about porn, aren't we?
God, I hope so.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-24-09
This is a poem called "The Dirt".
Once there was a little man / Who kept his house both spic and span/ But no matter how he tried, somehow/ The dirt would get in anyhow
He scrubbed so hard. He made things gleam/ All would be well... or so it seemed/ But he'd just blink his eyes, and then /It would be dirty once again
He puzzled on this every day/ Why won't the dirt just stay away?/ At last, he figured out a way/ To clean it so that clean it'd stay
His conclusion was rather grim / It was his fault. The dirt was him/ And so he jumped into the bay / Where he would, at last, he washed away
So now there is no little man / To keep that house both spic and span/ Its dust a testment to how / The dirt still gets in anyhow. (Thank you. )

 

by ComedyGeek
6-25-09
HWT Present : Random Animals Pretend To Be The Internet
All other video game consoles than the one I bought suck!
Your choice of music causes me to question your manliness and sexual orientation.
I can win any argument by comparing my opponent to Hitler!
Hey, at least I'm not like that person who takes this fandom even further than I do. What a geek THAT guy is!
My knowledge of correct grammar and usage comes at the heavy cost of being physically unable to prvent myself from correcting others
This is the only fandom I've ever been in, yet I know for sure it's the one with the most petty bickering and infighting and politics!

 

by ComedyGeek
6-26-09
Good afternoon, sir, and thank you for agreeing to see me.
You're welcome. We here at Scorpio Rising Adult Entertainment are always happy to meet with members of the community.
Excellent. Well I'll get right to the point. My organization and I feel that your films violate our community's standards.
I see. Well, if you have some sort of moral objection to movies of a sexually themed nature...
No, that's fine. We do, however, have some suggestions as to how to improve the lighting, the acting, and a few notes on your scripts...
Oh. Um, okay....

 

by ComedyGeek
6-27-09
Hey Hank, if you recall something to remember it, do you decall it when you forget it again?
Totally!
And is subfluous the opposite of superfluous? And what does THAT mean? Something REALLY necessary?
If we are to survive on Mars, oxygen will be entirely subfluous!
And remember, they're only elevators and escalators on the way up!
Right! On the way down, they're delevators and descalators!

 

by ComedyGeek
6-28-09
The Incident
Hey kids, I'm Explodey the Clown!
Yay!
The Interview Afterwards
The kids that survived loved him, though.
Yeah! We'd book him again. If that were possible.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-29-09
Hey Hank?
Yes, Petunia?
How come the Mormons call themselves the "Church of Jesus Christ of the Ladder Day Saints?"
Uh...
I mean, when is this Ladder Day? And why would a saint need a ladder, anyhow? They can float!
*sigh* I don't know where to begin.

 

by ComedyGeek
6-30-09
To the tune of "Paperback Writer" by the Beatles
Hey McMahon, I got a mean right hook, And I'm great at grappling, could you take a look?
I'm basing my life on The Rock's career, And I need a break, so I want to be a pay-per-view fighter Pay-per-view FIGHT-ER!
To the tune of "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King
Cthulhu F'tagn! What a wonderful phrase! Cthulhu f'tagn! means the End of Days!
To the tune of "Rubber Ducky" from Sesame Street"
Rubber dildo, you're the one! You make bath time oh so fun! Rubber dildo, I'm so awfully fond of YOU!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-01-09
From art-house classic movie, "Debate Club"
Alright, folks.... listen up... the first rule of Debate Club is : NOBODY TALKS ABOUT DEBATE CLUB. The SECOND rule is.... yes?
Aren't we talking about it right now?
Well, yeah, technically....
Yeah, and I mean, if we don't talk about it, how will we even know when and where to meet?
... you know what, screw this.
And is it really a club? Or more like a loose fraternity of like-minded individuals? Nietzsche postulated that...

 

by ComedyGeek
7-02-09
Painful Truth #1 : There is nobody in charge.
Nobody at all?
Not even the President?
Nope. Politicians give us a false feeling that someone is in control. But they are not.
What about the FBI? Or the CIA?
Or the Illuminati?
Nope. Conspiracies are fantasies we make up to satisfy our need to think someone is in charge
Don't look at us.
We're not real either.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-03-09
Dude, I'm glad you're here. I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and she finally agreed to go to GeekCon with me!
Holy crap! Dude, save your game!
That doesn't work in..... life.
But you had to think for a second, didn't you?

 

by ComedyGeek
7-04-09
I left the womb, mother! You're just going to have to deal with it!
Oh, I never should have let them cut that cord! Ever since, you've been so cold, so distant!
Mom!
Darling, it was so much better before. We were always close, you never went out, I fed you all the time and you never complained!
Jesus, Mom!
But that wasn;t good enough for Mister Big Shot, no! You couldn't wait to be born and get away from your mother!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-05-09
1:15 pm - I just started watching. Hope this episode is better than the last one, which sucked.
1:19 pm - Who's this new guy? Not another new character!
Mister Wilson is unclear on the concept of liveblogging.
1:27 pm - Oh, Sheila's back! That's great, I love her!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-06-09
Nothing good can possibly come of a sentence that starts like this...
I'm not racist, but...
!
There's pretty much no escape once you've started a sentence like this, except maybe this...
I'm not racist, but..... um... no, that's it. I'm not racist.
I should say not!
In fact, this phrase is so fraught with emotional context that the most fun you can have with it is to attach it to random facts
I'm not racist, but water expands when it freezes.
I'm not a racist, but Hyde Park is a Caroline era comedy of manners.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-07-09
People with Asperger's or near-Asperger's often think that humans beings are irrational and unpredictable.
But they are! Human beings are totally unpredictable!
Yeah! Stupid humans!
That's illogical. Millions of humans predict the behaviour of their fellow humans every day.
But I can't do it!
I'm sure glad I'm not a stupid human! Right, Mittens?
Right. But you saying that humans are therefore unpredictable is like a blind person saying there's no such thing as light.
But that would mean there's something wrong with ME, and not the WORLD!
Why'd your parents call you Mittens, anyway? BTW, this is my cat, Lion-O.

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »