All comics by TooMuchCoffeeGuy

Profile

 

Sir, we've reached the Pika system. The planet is on the other side of the system.
We've arranged for a local guide. The shuttle's ready to go down to the planet.
The secret Gungan underwater base on Naboo.
So how do we get to Dethsrectum?
Yousa go through, da Toilet Core... Hehehe... Yousa use Oona-Bum-Go.
Could you knock that off it's really starting to shit me.
Yeah, right, sorry. Look, just go about 3 lightyears that way, turn left at the twin suns, and it's the second planet to the right.

 

Sir, we've entered an asteroid field!
Those asteroids are huge! Where are they coming from?
They appear to be coming from Dethsrectum itself. The senso-scanner says they're made from... Fecal matter?!?!
Take evasive action, for the love of god, take evasive action!!!
Whew, that was close!
Quick, over by that small moon, we can hide there.

 

Wow, that moon's huge.
That's no moon. It's a space station.
It's too big to be a space station.
For that matter it's too big to be a moon. What the hell is it?
Uh, Esh? Can you come and help me? My ass is wedged in the toilet...
Again? How many times have I told you to lube up before you crap?!?

 

We're caught in some kind of tractor beam! We can't get away!
Throw the thrusters into reverse, maybe we can break it!
It's no good. Should I engage the turbo laser battery?
Fire at will.
Look, I'm sorry, I forgot. Owww! Something just singed my balls!
That'll be the friction. Don't move, I'll be there in a minute.

 

It's no use sir, it's got us. Should we abandon ship?
It's too late for that, we'll have to see this through. Engage full throttle, maybe we can shoot out the other side.
Now, just hold still, I'll get my hand in under here, then we can ease you up...
OWWW!!!!! Dammit Esh! Warn me before you fist my ass.
I didn't touch your ass, your legs are probably just numb and you've got pins and needles.
Bullshit. Something is clearly up my ass. I assure you I've had enough things up my ass to know what it feels like!

 

Well we're in. What next, boss?
I guess we should go out and explore. Beam us down to the surface.
*Cheap sound effect # 36: Beaming*
My god, it's roomy in here!
This place is huge!
Hello?... *hello?... hello?... hello?*
In hindsight I think we should have held off from calling the last place "Echo Base".

 

So what do you think? Should we set up a base here?
Well it doesn't have the scenery of Yavin, or the protective weather of the North Pole,
But hey, a little spackle and some napalm, and we could have ourselves a nice base here.
And the smell?
Well, I'm an officer, that gives me the privilege of living in the ship. Break out the tents for the men.

 

Sir, the manufacturing facilities are re-assembled, we can begin production immediately.
Excellent. Keep the labourers going around the clock, we have to make up for lost time.
Shall I give the order to start the terraforming?
Have we got enough toilet paper ready?
There should be enough now.
Good. Get the Snowmen to do it. I've never liked those smug bastards.

 

Alright men, start the terraforming. And remember, don't eat the yellow snow, or should I say brown snow, ha ha ha!
Did someone remember to piss in his coffee?
Yeah, Carl got it.

 

Alright slaves, we have to get production up to get these presents out by Christmas!
Sir, yes sir!
Oooh yeah, ooooh baby, I love it when you do that. ARRRGH!!! OWWWWW!!!!
Wha? A lego! Pika, you DID remember my Birthday!
What the hell???

 

Sir, production has been restored to optimum operating efficiency, and the backlog has been cleared.
Marvellous! As long as the Christian Empire doesn't discover our location, Christmas will be saved!
I am Probe Droid 24E6G. Have you seen "Elves" or a "Fat Man in a Red Suit". Response?
You're a "Probe" droid, eh?
I am looking for "Elves" or a... What are you implying?
You want the elves or not?

 

I do not believe the Elves are hiding up your ass. The odds would be 47,265 to 1.
Didn't you say you were told to look everywhere?
Yes...
And isn't the inside of my ass a part of "everywhere"?
Yes... Dammit, your logic is impeccable.
Uh huh. Now grab that KY and lube up. Oooh, you're like a walking talking Dildo. Shake that metal ass, Baby!

 

My logic circuit's cannot believe my decision motivator matrix got sucked into this.
The odds of locating Santa Claus within the bowels of this human are...
To be continued in: "The Spirit of Pika's Anus - The Empire Strikes Backside"
Oh FUCK!

 

*BZZT*... Probe 24E6G to Our Mother of DeathStar, I have located the rebel base, repeat- I have located the rebel base. *BZZT*.
Where are you going? You're just like all the other Probe Droids, you say you love me then run away!
Other Probe Droids?
Probe Droids, Aerosol Cans, Coffee Mugs... Even a cat once.
Call me!

 

Sir, I just encountered a Probe Droid in the lower Scrotal Fields.
I think it's a pretty safe bet the Empire knows we're here.
Shall we prepare to evacuate?
No, if we run now, we'll be running forever.
But we can live to fight another day.
No. No running. I'm fat and it looks goofy when I try to run, with my tits bouncing about and all... Better to duke it out.

 

Intelligence have reported that the rebels have not moved from their position.
Hmmm... perhaps they're looking for a scrap.
Should I send in the Jesus Droids?
Not the Droids. Droids cost money.
Use up the Mormons. Their dead cost nothing.

 
Hello, my name is Ezekiel. We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints.
We've brought the entire population of Utah with us today. God has commanded us to go into your anus.
When I said I was dreaming of a white christmas, this isn't what I meant, but hey! I'm flexible!

 

All squads move in.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
You always say that.
I just don't think that the man in charge is with us on this one.
You think God is unhappy with us?
Not God, the guy making the comics. He's mixed us up with the Amish again.

 

Sir, the Mormons have breached the outer defences.
Meh. That shouldn't be a problem.
You got something up your sleeve?
Something like that.
A trap? A secret weapon? What is it? Tell me!
All in good time.

 

Santa's "Secret Weapon".
*Knock Knock*
We're not home. Fuck off.

 

Sir, it happened again.
Curses! Those Mormons are useless. Have them put to death.
What should we do with Utah?
Sell it on eBay.
Shortly after...
8 bucks?!? I ain't paying 8 bucks for that piece of crap. This moron must be high.

 

Any thoughts of how to take out the rebels without depleting our forces.
We don't need to wipe them out entirely, only cripple them enough to stop them from getting the Christmas toy contracts.
Hmmm... Corporate espionage. Interesting.
I think the key to success here is through the being in which they reside.
A hostile takeover?
From what I hear of this Pikadeth, hostility won't be necessary. $20 and a bottle of cheap plonk ought to do the trick.

 

The plan is set. We'll send in Agent X who will get Pikadeth liquored up.
And after the deed is done, Agent X will plant explosives in Pikadeth's anus while he sleeps. It's perfect.
Can Agent X be trusted?
Hmmm... he does have a tendency to fall asleep straight after, or even during.
We could force feed him some No-Doze?
Maybe. He once prematurely ejaculated on me right in the restaurant and fell asleep in his Prawn Bisque. Better make it a LOT of No-Doze.

 

Pika, baby! Guess who's got a 20, a bottle of Passion Pop and a tub of engine grease?
Toomy! You sure know how to treat a guy!
So here in the street, or over behind the bins?
I ain't fussy, and the bins do seem pretty far...
*Glug-glug-glug* *Oh-baby, that's so...* *Splurt* *Hey, not on my shirt!* *SNOOOOORE...*
*Zzzzzzzzzzz*
Heh heh heh... Easy money.

 

Alright, I've done what you asked, the explosives are in place. Now, as for my fee...
Sure, here's the $25.
$50. No less.
And why should I pay you $50?
Because I'm holding a thermal detonator!!!
That's not a thermal detonator, it's a bong shaped like a thermal detonator. Get the fuck out of here.

 

Urghh... I feel terrible. My ass is in soooo much pain. Owwww...
I've taken worse, but it's never hurt like this before.
This is even worse than that time I did that entire gay pride parade...

 

Doc you've gotta help me, my ass burns like it's on fire...
Si senor Peekadeth. You are seek man, but I lov you!
You really love me?
Si! You send my children to big American college!
What can I say, I love those magic fingers
I worry that you adeected to proctology exams, but you pay so I don't complain.

 

So what's your diagnosis.
No diagnosis, senor. I only feest your butt.
Yeah, normally, but this time I really want to know.
I don't know, I'm not really doctor, I only wash floors.
Yeah I know, but you spend a lot of time around here, you've gotta know something?
I know you should wipe better senor. It takes hours to clean my nails.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm in agony.
Your doctor doesn't know that to do?
Nope. I'd pray to God, but he's clearly got it in for me. I despise him with every ounce of my being.
You could check your magic eight ball?
Don't even get me started on THAT arsehole.

 

Hello Pikadeth. I am the ghost of Sir Alec Guiness. The ghost of Christmas past called in sick today, so I'm filling in.
Cool. So you're a ghost? Can you go inside people and stuff like that?
Yes, I am capable of...
Hey, while you're here can you check my prostate? The local doctors found me out and...
Ummm...
I've been black-listed from every proctologist in California, and the last time I had a mexican's hand up my ass I got herpes.

 

Forget about that for now, there are more important things afoot!
More important than herpes?
Yes. But stand back a little more anyway. Pikadeth, the fate of the world is in your hands!
Really? In MY hands?
Well, technically up your butt, but to be honest I think that joke's getting a little old now.
Meh, it's better than if we did the "Hey, I can pass my hands right through you!" joke.

 

Enough of this foolishness! I am the ghost of Christmas past, and I have come with a warning!
Aren't you supposed to show me my childhood and make me see the error of my ways.
No. You were one fucked up kid and you'd only start masturbating.
But we could watch that time I fucked my mom!
Alright it was the dog in my mom's clothes. What? It still got me hot! Fluffy looked great in lipstick...

 

Pikadeth, I must give you the warning! Please listen!
Arsehole...

 

Pikadeth, I must give you the warning! I'll give you $20!
Yeah, okay.
What I have to tell you, is that the fate of Christmas is resting on your shoulders!
I thought it was up my butt!
I really hate this job...
Hey! I can pass my hands right through you!

 

Listen!!! Santa and his elves are hiding in your arse with their army of snowmen and reindeer, the Christian Empire as led by General Luciveers is hunting them and they had Toomy hide explosives up
your ass to blow the rebels to hell, if they succeed then Christmas will end forever and the Christians will win this is what is causing the acute pains in your ass and why you keep finding elves in
your stools and why Dime was able to pull a lego set out of your arse and why you keep getting wedged on the toilet and even as we speek an armada of Christian battle cruisers are converging on this
position and when they arrive a war will be fought between santa and satan and when the elves and jesus droids and snowmen and StormPriests fight in the depths of your anus it will lead to ARMAGEDDON!
Whew...
Sorry? What? I was looking at that chick with the big knockers.

 

Alright, I'll start again...
Ha ha! I'm just messing with you, I already know what's going on.
Then why aren't you doing anything to stop it?
It seems like a lot of work.
But everyone is going to die!!!
Yeah, but I'm REALLY lazy.

 

Alright, I guess that's that. You're just going to let the entire universe be destroyed because you're lazy?
Yep.
Maybe I should have let him watch himself fucking the dog...

 

Sir, we've received word from the Ghost of Christmas Past. He advised he has failed his mission.
Dammit! Without aide we will be destroyed. What's the ETA on the battle cruisers.
T-Minus 18 hours and closing.
Damn. I can see only one solution.
No! Sir! You can't be thinking of...
I fear that we have no choice. Prepare the Holo-Transmitter.

 

URRRGH! URRGHK! *FART-Plop*
I bow and worship the almighty Vision of Immortality! You are our god!
What's the censis?
There are 948 of us!
Excellent! A few more and we'll have enough to be recognised as a legitimate religion. That'll show those Jedi bastards!

 

Lord, we're receiving a transmission on the Holo-Transmitter.
Hmmm... Patch it through.
Vision of Immortality. I am Santa Claus. I need your help.
Look, I'm kinda busy. I have to hatch another 52 pikmen warriors so that we can declare our own religion.
God or not, pff still isn't going to sleep with you. Trust me, I KNOW where the naughty girls live and she's not on my list.
Alright I'll be there in a couple of hours. I want to see this list though.

 

Hey Pika.
Hey Vision. What are you doing here?
I've come to visit Santa Claus.
You want to sit on my knee little boy?
I'm serious Pika. I'm going in.
Alright, but bring me back a T-shirt.

 

Alright, I'm very busy and I'm missing "Judge Judy" to be here. What do you want?
We're about to be attacked by the Christian Empire. We need you to combine your troops with ours to stand against them.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to give birth to 948 midgets?
I'll give you my list of Naughty Girls.
Hmmm... tempting, but no. What else can you throw in?
You like venison?

 

Alright so I get the Naughty list- both boys and girls, 200lbs of venison, and you'll start a new Pikman colony in your ass?
You drive a hard bargain, but I'm desperate. It's a deal.
Sir, are you sure this is wise?
We have no choice. It's either this or death.
Have you ever met a Pikman?
No, why? What's the problem?

 

Alright Pikmen, this is the Eve of Battle.
This is going to be a long and bloody war, and you'll have to face the fact that most of you won't be coming back.
We're going to die?
No, I'm just going to leave you here. You eat too much and I'm sick of finding shit on my carpet.

 

General, we've received word from our Bothan spies. Vision has allied his Pikman and Android army with Santa.
Dammit! Nothing is going the way it should.
Intelligence suggest an immediate strike, while they are still unprepared.
Execute the command. Prepare all Jesus Droids and StormPriests, and call out my Hell Spawn!
Sir, are you certain you want to do that? You know they'll chew the couch...
Yes yes, just put my shoes in the closet and break out the Smacko's.

 

I can't believe that we have to fight alongside those Pikman things.
That's nothing!
Nothing? They just keep repeating thier name!
Well they told me they wanted venison. "Venison?!? My arse, they're getting venison!" I said. WRONG word choice.
Argh! My God, that's hideous!
Yeah, no shit. Literally, no shit. Arsehole.

 

Heel!
Stay.
Good boy.

 

My name is Pikman.
Sorry Pika, we're going in.
But there are hundreds of you! My arse is already stretched to the limit!... Alright, but it's $3.50 a head.

 

Look, that's too much. You know we have to do this. Think of the children!
Fuck the children!
Do you think there's time?
There's always time.
*Click*
Fapfapfapfap...
Fapfapfapfap...

 

Get him! Hold him down! Everybody in!
Argh! I've been tricked!
Geronimo!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!
*Click*
I reckon that'll leave a mark.

Showing page 3.

« Previous Next »