All comics by fpd

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by fpd
1-28-02
Dear Robby, My robotic wife is no longer interested in sex as much as I am. What should I do? Sincerely, Horny in Houston.
Dear Horny, I'm sorry the spark has gone out of your relationship. You can make things more electric between you by plugging her in more often.
Dear Robby, My little girl is heartbroken over the accidental destruction of her robot nanny. What can we do for her? Yours, A Perplexed Poppa.
Dear Perplexed, U.S. Robots and Mechanical Men stores regular backups of each robot's positronic brain. They can virtually resurrect your little girl's nanny for her.
Dear Robby, I am attracted to Robots, but I'm afraid of what my family will think if they find out I am a robosexual. What can I do? Yours, In the Closet.
Dear Closet, I feel I can best help you by meeting with you personally. I'll be at the Cyber Cafe you emailed me from at 3:00 PM.

 

by fpd
1-29-02
Dear Ann, My robot boyfriend and I feel like we're ready to have sex, but I'm worried about catching a virus or getting pregnant with a cyborg. What precautions should I take? Virgin in Virginia.
Dear Virgin, So long as you're not having cybersex with your boyfriend, you don't have to worry about viruses. And cyborgs are made not born. He can't get you pregnant.
Dear Ann, I disagree with the advice you gave to Virgin in Virginia. I had sex with a robot and was infected with nanobots that carry the Trojan virus. Helen in Greece, NY.
Dear Helen, Thank you for correcting me. Dr. Susan Calvin informs me that nanobot infection is a serious danger for humans in robot-human sex. It can be treated with virus-killer nanobots.
Dear Ann, You omitted an important issue in your response to Helen in Greece, NY. A virus-killer nanobot can attack only known viruses, yet new viruses are being written every day. Bible-Belt Hacker.
Dear Hacker, Thank you for raising the important point that robot-human sex always remains a danger. Robots should be careful too, because infected humans can infect them.

 

by fpd
1-29-02
I'm a geek. What about you?
I like to mutilate cows.
Wow, I'd love to see that.
C'mon, I'll show you how it's done.
Cow and Chicken, my dear children, I swear on your gravy, I mean graves, that I will hunt down your killers.

 

by fpd
1-29-02
I'm a geek. What about you?
I suck limes.
What a dumb limey. I'd rather stick a feather in my hat and call it macaroni than hang out with him.
Speaking of macaroni, I better get back to work.
Not so fast. I'm Jack "The Shark" Baker, and I'm suing your company, MacaroniSoft, on behalf of Britannia Online.

 

by fpd
1-29-02
I wish kids would make snow-women.
Yeah, me too.
Do you think they don't make any because we don't have ribs?
I think it's because their boobs would fall off.
Don't you read the Bible? Women are made out of ribs.
That's as dumb as saying that pi is three.

 

by fpd
1-29-02
I'm a geek. What about you?
I DO NOT BITE COCK!
I don't mean that kind of geek. I mean the computer kind. I love Acorns best.
DON'T BITE ME, GEEK!
Why, you're as white as a sheet. What has you so terrified?
I LOST MY EAR TO A GEEK AND HAVE ONLY ONE LEFT!

 

by fpd
1-29-02
My head is pounding like a jackhammer. What should I do?
Why not try some acupuncture?
I couldn't find any needles, but I figure a nail will work just as good.
It might even be better, because a nail is bigger than a needle.
Here I go. It doesn't seem to be working yet.
These instructions say that acupuncture uses many needles. You'll need more than just one nail.

 

by fpd
1-29-02
North Pole Tech Support. What's the problem?
Yes, the death ray Santa left me isn't working.
It's just a toy death ray.
Well, then, shouldn't it kill toys? It doesn't even affect them.
I mean the death ray is a toy, not a real ray gun.
Dammit! I asked Santa for a real death ray! How does Santa expect me to maintain my faith in Christianity if he won't deliver what I ask for?

 

by fpd
1-30-02
Hey there, good looking, what are you like doing in my bedroom?
I have come to abduct you away like a thief in the night.
What a cool spaceship! It is like far out! That's like a simile, isn't it?
No, you're talking like a valley girl. It's time to remove the hybrid child you are pregnant with.
Oh wow, baby, you like have nine eyes. That is like so fricking cool. I'll call you Laboratory, because that's where we are.

 

by fpd
1-30-02
North Pole Tech Support. How can I help you?
Yes, all that Santa left me for Christmas were these black rocks, which I didn't even ask for. I think there was some kind of mistake.
Those black rocks are coal. It's what Santa delivers to all naughty boys and girls.
Wait'll I get my hands on those dirty fags! It wasn't my fault, I tell you. They forced me to beat the snot out of them.
Are you saying you haven't been naughty?
Damn straight! It's not my fault sissy queerbates get in my face and just ask to get beaten up. It's not like I'm a fag or something. You should be thanking me, not sending me dirty frickin' coal.

 

by fpd
1-30-02
Now that I'm in the lead, I'll take good long nap.
Zzzzzzzz...
Oh Hoshi, you are so much hotter than Seven of Nine.
I'm a beautiful linguist. Let me whisper sexy foreign words into your long, beautiful ear, mon cher.
Meanwhile ...
The winner of this contest is some guy with a beard. How did you do it?
Dig this, man. Slow but steady wins the race. I didn't waste my time dreaming about some Enterprise chick.

 

by fpd
1-31-02
Sprechen Sie deutsch?
Nein, ich spreche deutsch nicht.
Parle vous Francais?
Non, je ne parle Francais.
Then what language do you speak?
I eackspay igpay atinlay.

 

by fpd
1-31-02
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
Ha, ha!
What the hell are you talking about?

 

by fpd
1-31-02
Ha, ha, ha! I have correlated the entire contents of my mind, and I am ready to conquer the world.
Not so fast, Dr. Sivana. You didn't correlate the contests of my mind, and I'm going to stop you.
Shazam, Shazam, Shazam, Shazam, Sha..
Stop saying Shazam. Oops.
You're such a nitwit, Billy. I will now turn off all sound. As a mad scientist, I know how to do such things.
Sh...

 

by fpd
1-31-02
General Grant, we have been waging this war for ten years. How will we ever seige the rebel fort and rescue Miss Helen?
I have a plan. Get me a young man who is also an artist.
I have drawn my portrait, as you requested, man.
Excellent. We will tell the rebels that we surrender and give it to them as a gift.
The Union of Sparta has finally surrendered, and they left us this portrait as a parting gift.
By Aphrodite, whom we all worship, it can't be so. The portrait has a Trojan virus that is opening up our gates.

 

by fpd
2-01-02
Hey kids, I'm the Marlboro man. Our cigarettes are the best tasting ever, but don't just take my word for it.
I absolutely love the pungent, tobaccoey, ammonia taste of Marlboro. It's better than candy.
And we guarantee that you can't smoke just one. You'll crave one after another.
I love Marlboros so much I gnawed off an ear when I ran out. You're sure to love them as much as I do.
Cigarettes may cause cancer, premature aging, heart disease, smelly clothes, and yellow teeth, but I don't care.
Once you taste Marlboro, nothing will matter more than getting your next drag. Try them today.

 

by fpd
2-01-02
I've been told that many people on the internet are geeks. This is alarming news for me.
Er... Why is that so alarming, Diablo?
Geeks are a dangerous menace to chickens. They bite off the heads of live chickens.
Even so, how could they bite off your head over the internet?
What if I met someone in person after meeting her in a chat room, and she turned out to be a geek? It makes the internet a scary place.
The internet isn't for chickens, folks.

 

by fpd
2-01-02
I feel so blue, these days.
Why, what's wrong?
My teacher says I'll never amount to anything. She says I'm just one small fish in a big sea.
That is so bourgeois. Why don't you join my school?
What's your school?
Troutskyism.

 

by fpd
2-01-02
Why, if it isn't a gentleman caller. Won't you have a glass of lemonade?
Thank you kindly. You are lovelier than any other southern belle, Miss P.
That's on account of how southern I really am.
Yes, I can tell that the spirit of the south beats in your heart.
It seems I'm out of lemonade. How about a lemon popsicle instead?
Come to think of it, I've got a hankering for one of those Yankee drinks like hot chocolate.

 

by fpd
2-02-02
Do you feel exploited by your employer? Or alienated from the product you create?
Are you doped up on religion? Do you feel downtrodden by the bourgeoisie?
If so, why not give Marxism a try? Join the International Communist Revolution to overthrow capitalism today.
Become part of the dictatorship of the proletariat, where everyone is equal.
Degrees of equality may vary.
Intellectuals may be shot to reduce inequality.

 

by fpd
2-02-02
There's nothing I enjoy more than getting wasted while watching the Superbowl with all my buddies.
Oh yeah! Booze, football, and no one but other guys. It doesn't get any better than this.
Oh wow, look at how strong and muscular those guys are!
All those guys getting physical with each other! It's so exciting!
Isn't watching a bunch of guys tackling each other sort of gay? Can't we watch Sheena instead?
You are so pussywhipped, Bongo! Big, strong men are much more exciting than half naked blondes.

 

by fpd
2-02-02
What would you say if I told you you could do all kinds of bad things without the burdens of guilt or responsibility?
Surely you jest, Dr. Jekyll. Although I would love to do all kinds of bad things, my sense of guilt just gets in the way.
Watch as I give this little squirrel a few drops of my patent-pending transmogrification elixer.
Die, you stupid twat, die!
This is fantastic, Dr. Jekyll. And you say your elixer can do this for anyone? Amazing. But how much does it cost?

 

by fpd
2-02-02
Call 1-800-555-HYDE now.
You might normally expect to pay over $100, but today we're offering five bottles for the low, low price of just $19.95.
That is so incredible. I'm dying to try just a little bit right now.
Call 1-800-555-HYDE now.
Why sure, here you go.
Oh, wow, my sex drive is through the roof, and I've lost all my hang-ups. I have to have you right here and now Doctor.
Call 1-800-555-HYDE now.
Zoë, you're under arrest for raping Dr. Jekyll, trampling on the cameraman, and public nudity.
Use it with caution, folks. It has no effect on your legal responsibility.

 

by fpd
2-02-02
Welcome to Hell, sinner! Ha, ha, ha!
How did I get here? I was baptized as an infant, went to mass every week, said my confession regularly, and always did my penance.
Don't let this happen to you. Jesus loves you and wants you in Heaven with him.
And the only way to Heaven is through the Asian Girls Chinese Israelism Methodist Church.
Yes, Catholics, Lutherans, Anglicans, Baptists, Pentacostals, Quakers, Mormons, Unitarians, Muslims, Jews, Presbyterians, British Israelists, and United Methodists are all going to Hell.
Of course, if our faith is wrong, you're screwed. But is it wrong? I don't think so.

 

by fpd
2-03-02
Come to Evil Clown Burgers for the beefiest burgers around.
How beefy are your burgers, Mr. Clown?
We guarantee that every burger is made from beef-fed cows. Instead of grazing on icky grass, our cows dine on Evil Clown burgers.
Wow, that is so kind and humane. Why would anyone want to eat grass when they can eat burgers? And what's beefier than beef-fed beef?
I got Creutzfeldt Jacobs Disease from eating Evil Clown burgers. My brain is turning into a sponge.
Ha, ha! Look, kids, its Mad Rabbit, the burger-loving bunny.

 

by fpd
2-03-02
Are you a big fat bozo? Would you like to shed several pounds or even just a few?
However many pounds you would like to lose, we can help.
Yes, for every pound you send us, as in British currency, we guarantee that you will lose one pound.
That's right. Pull out your credit card and dial 1-800-555-LOSE right now. Send us a pound for every pound you want to lose, and you will lose them all.
And now for a little disclaimer spoken by a dog balancing on a ball. Isn't he funny?
This offer is invalid for dollars, euros, yen, and kilograms.

 

by fpd
2-04-02
Those cretins lock me away and force me to make weapons of mass destruction. I cannot take it any more. We must escape.
How will we escape, Dad? Alas! We couldn't escape unless we could fly like birds.
Don't turn aside and brood, young man. We shall drive away in a car.
Dad, alas! How will we get through the deep woods?
Through my techno-wizardry, I control all the cars. They won't be able to follow us.
But do you control the stars? I fear the bitter mystery of fate conspires against us.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
Egad! What is that? Why does it look so familiar?
You must come with me, Bongo. Resistance is futile.
No, no, don't take me! Not again, not again!
As you shouldn't remember, as we make you forget each time, we have abducted you many times. This is all routine.
Life is truly hell! Why me? Why me?

 

by fpd
2-05-02
Come with me, Bongo!
You look vaguely familiar. Where have I seen you before?
I am Token, the Reptilian member of this ship's crew. You have seen me here many times, though you should forget each time.
You won't bite me, will you?
No, but I might.
Arrrrgh! Not you! Not you! Stay away from me, please stay away!

 

by fpd
2-05-02
Sir, the Earth specimen Bongo seems to remember me. What shall we do?
When we can no longer induce amnesia, we must induce false memories. The doctor will take care of it.
That other alien bit off my ear. I remember it so clearly, now.
No, you lost your ear to a circus geek when you got between him and a chicken.
I lost my ear to a geek.
Yes, that's right. You are currently at a Stargate: SG-1 convention. I am dressed as one of the Asgard.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
My real father is Jack O'Neill?
Yes, Cleopatra, I am sure of it.
Make way for the new Sarah Webber!
No, no! Where did Jennifer Sky go? Where did she go?
Oh, thank goodness, it was all a dream. There isn't really a new, uglier Sarah Webber.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
Oh Lucky and Nicholas, you two are the handsomest guys in Port Charles.
Oh no! There is a new, uglier Sarah Webber! And how did she become a doctor while her sister is barely out of high school?
Is this the National Skeptical Enquirer? I want to report that General Hospital's Sarah Webber is now being played by an evil space alien.
Thanks for your claim of the paranormal. We'll be sure to scientifically investigate it after we report it to grocery shoppers all over America.
Did you see the latest National Skeptical Enquirer? Bongo is beginning to remember. You must shut him up!
Yes sir. I will get right on it.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
Who are you?
Never mind who I am. You must not talk about space aliens, or else.
Then they're real, aren't they? That's why you're here. It's all part of a cover-up.
You are out of your mind, Bongo. I am an attorney for ABC, not a man in black. ABC will sue you if you don't shut up.
A man in black! Yes, that's what you are, a man in black. I've read about you guys. I bet you're aliens in disguise.
No, we're not. I mean, I'm not a man in black. Just shut up, or else.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
Is this the FBI? Get me Mulder or Scully, please!
We don't have a Mulder or Scully here.
Oh yeah, that's right! Get me agent Doggett or agent Reyes then.
We don't appreciate prank calls. The X-Files is not real, sir.
Is this the CIA? Can I speak to agent Sydney Bristow, please?
She's just a fictional character on ABC's Alias. Please don't bother us again, sir. We know who you are and where you live.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
In 1947, just months after the Roswell incident, President Truman founded Majestic-12, a secret government organization for suppressing the truth about UFOs.
Oh no! I think that could be who sent the man in black to see me. I hope MJ-12 is just a myth.
http://www.mj12.com/
We are a super-above top secret organization. ... your identifying information has been recorded for our records.
Oh no! MJ-12 really is real, and they know all about me now.
Look on the back of a dollar bill. The U.S. was founded by freemasons, who were pawns of the Illuminati, themselves pawns of aliens.
Oh no! The aliens and the U.S. government are all conspiring against me! The FBI, CIA, MJ-12, and ABC are all out to get me.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
Captain Fawcett, you must help me. Aliens, the Illuminati, Masons, and the government are all out to get me.
Is there a mad scientist or an evil worm involved?
I don't know. Maybe.
Yes, Dr. Savannah and Mr. Mined are cunning foes indeed. I will stop them if they show up.
What about the aliens and all the rest?
Captain Fawcett fights mad scientists and evil worms, not the government and its mysterious alien overlords.

 

by fpd
2-05-02
You're truly the most astonishingly beautiful and sexually desirable woman a man could ever hope to meet. I know I can fulfill your wildest dreams.
My fantasy is for you to eat a Reece's peanut-butter cup that I've smeared into my craphole.
That atrociously ugly hag of a beak-nosed bitch wants me to do the grossest thing imaginable. What, in your vast wisdom, do you think I should do?
As Confucius always taught, there is no wrong way to eat a Reece's.
Brigadier, the Widow Penguin's will shows that she was in debt and penniless. She was a poor, destitute pauper.
That unspeakably abominable bitch! She told me she had gazillions of dollars. And she had me do the vilest acts ever! I will savagely kill her a million times for this.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
Captain Fawcett won't help me. How suspicious. Could he be in on the plot against me? Could Dr. Savannah or Mr. Mined be behind everything?
Boys are weird.
Bark, bark, woof, woof!
Whatever is going on, I'm sure that the new Sarah Webber is involved. Why, I think she must be a betrayer.
Yes, I recall that Sarah was kidnapped by the Baileys and replaced by a betrayer. Creegan must be behind it all, and I must head to Port Charles to confront the betrayer Sarah Webber.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
http://www.greyhound.com
PlattsburghPort Ewan (B)Port Jervis (B)...
Mmm. Greyhound has no buses to Port Charles, NY. What are they trying to hide? And GREYhound is a very suspicious name.
What a realistic 3D movie.
Since Greyhound is part of the conspiracy, I'm now taking a plane to Buffalo, NY. It's near Port Charles, and it's headquarters for the National Skeptical Enquirer.
Wow, the weather in Buffalo is so different from the usual weather in Port Charles. How suspicious.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
http://www.greyhound.com
Plattsburgh ... Port Ewan (B) ... Port Jervis (B) ...
Mmm.
What a realistic 3D movie.
Since Greyhound is part of the conspiracy, I'm now taking a plane to Buffalo, NY. It's near Port Charles, and it's headquarters for the National Skeptical Enquirer.
Wow, the weather in Buffalo is so different from the usual weather in Port Charles. How suspicious.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
At the National Skeptical Enquirer offices.
I need your help in finding Port Charles and in tracking down the betrayer Sarah Webber.
Are you a crackpot? Port Charles is a fictional city. The set for it is in Hollywood.
I can't believe it. They have even gotten to the NSE. What will I do now?
Oh no, it's Creegan! Stay away from me you evil fiend!
Creegan who? I'm just a circus clown.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
Circus? You're from the CIRCUS?! I remember now. A circus geek bit off my ear. I hate the circus!
We don't have geeks in our circus. I'm with Cirque du Soleil.
Oh wow, that's the coolest circus in the world. But why are you in Buffalo during the winter?
You should see Montreal in the winter. It's like spring here.
Please help me. The American government is conspiring against me, and you Canadians are the only ones I can turn to.
Um, je ne parle pas anglais.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
Sir, feedback from the chip we put in Bongo's tail indicates that he is going insane.
When amnesia, false memories, and intimidation don't keep a specimen quiet, our last resort is to let him become a source of disinformation.
But isn't it morally wrong to let him go mad? Doesn't this violate the Prime Directive?
Maybe you're going as mad as Bongo. This isn't Star Trek. We have no Prime Directive.
But shouldn't we try to help him?
Are you kidding me? Half the fun of this job is watching Earth specimens go absolutely bonkers.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
Hello, who are you?
Miss Holly Wood?
That's who I am. Who are you?
My name is Bongo. I believe the Baileys are out to get you.
Oh yeah, that Gabe Bailey has a big crush on me.
The Baileys have already made contact with you? Oh no!

 

by fpd
2-06-02
What the hell are you talking about?
The Baileys! They're evil robots who replace people with robotic doubles called betrayers.
You mean like on Cleopatra 2525?
Yes, Cleopatra has been replaced by a betrayer, and I must go to Port Charles to confront her.
You're a freaking nutcase! Get out of here, you geek!
Aaah! You must be a betrayer! I'm out of here.

 

by fpd
2-06-02
Geek ... Geeeek .... GEEEEK ... Geek ... GGEEEEeeekkKK
Am I a geek? Am I the one who bit off my own ear?
Arrrgh! Who are you?
I am ...
... your father, Bongo!

 

by fpd
2-06-02
Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm going insane.
Of course, you are. You're obviously a schizoid. Pull up a chair, and I will psychoanalyze you.
I think I'm a geek, which is what I hate the most, because a geek bit off my ear.
Yes, you obviously suffer from an inferiority complex. But that isn't insane, because schizoids are inferior.
Thank you, doctor. Now I know I'm not insane. There really is a conspiracy of aliens, betrayers, and secret agents who are out to get me.
That's just life. Repress it, and it won't trouble you as much.

 

by fpd
2-07-02
Hey Bongo, you #@^$ &*#@, I love you.
Wha?! Who the hell are you?
I'm Wenisinfurs, my cuddly widdle bunny.
You don't wear rabbit fur, do you?
I love bunnies. Tee hee hee.
Aaah! Get away from me!

 

by fpd
2-07-02
Aaah! It's you again! What do you want from me?
You're my BOYFRIEND, Bongo.
I don't even know you. How can I be your boyfriend?
Is it wrong? I don't think so.
What do you want? Why are you here?
You must love me, Bongo.

 

by fpd
2-07-02
I love you, Bongo. You're my boyfriend, my boyfriend. You're a #@$. You're a #@@&. You must love me.
Wenis ... Wenis ... Wenis ...
Oh Bongo!
Wenis!
What a dream. And, oh my, I better change the sheets.

Showing page 3.

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