All comics by Savage

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by Savage
10-10-04
What the hell kind of "agent" are you? You're supposed to get me out of jail; not be in here with me!
I'll make it up to you. I promise.
Where have I heard that line before?
I'll be different this time. I swear it will.
You watch too much TV. Just shut your fish-breath mouth.
I love it when you get fiesty!

 

by Savage
10-10-04
I cannot believe we got arrested.
It wasn't my fault! How was I supposed to know she was a cop?
I cannot believe we got arrested.
I just thought it was nice of her to buy us booze.
I cannot believe we got arrested.
Can I help it if I didn't want to do "it" with her?

 

by Savage
10-10-04
The drunkards in room 1313 have checked out. Have housekeeping do up the room. And tell them to disinfect everything!
Okay, boss.
Where'd that dern coyote go?

 

by Savage
10-13-04
What are you going to be for Halloween, Ed?
I haven't decided. How about you?
I thought maybe a scarecrow. Or maybe Superman.
Maybe I'll go as a bottle of bourbon. Hey, that reminds me--we have to remember to visit old lady West's house several times. She always hands out booze miniatures!
She's a nice old lady, isn't she?
And after a couple of hours, she's so loaded she doesn't know who's already been to her door!

 

by Savage
10-23-04
So, what did you want to tell me, Ed?
Well, Fred, I've made a lifestyle decision.
I don't know what that means, Ed.
It means that I have decided that we need to change our lifestyle; we need to become different people.
I always liked Lucy and Ethel.
No, stupid one. You got arrested the last time you wore a dress, remember?

 

by Savage
10-24-04
So what do you mean, Ed?
I have decided that we are going to become intellectuals.
Cool! Uh... what are they?
Intellectuals are...well, let me put it simply for you. Intellectuals read books, and are good at thinking.
Ooh! I could be one of those! I've nearly finished with that Spiderman comic book you lent me last year!
Perhaps I expect too much of him...

 

by Savage
10-24-04
What's that you're reading, Ed?
The Reader's Digest Guide To Really Big Words. We Intellectuals have to have a really big vocabulary.
I know a big word. The manager at the 7-11 said it to me yesterday. He called me an "imbecile."
Oh he did, did he?
Yeah. I was trying to get my little ducky out of the crane machine, and my head got stuck in the chute. Ed, what does "imbecile" mean?
It means we're going to pay a little visit to the 7-11. Grab our baseball bats.

 

by Savage
10-24-04
Ed, All this reading and studying you've been making us do is very hard. I think something inside my head might be broke.
Suck it up, little bro. You'll thank me later. I believe that you will find that being an intellectual can be very rewarding.
How so, Ed?
To be an intellectual is to broaden one's mind and to deepen one's understanding of oneself, and the world around one.
----------?
Also, they get all the best chicks.

 

by Savage
10-24-04
Ed! I just got this great book at the library! It's gonna help me become one of those intellectuals you told me about!
No, Fred. We're not really getting anywhere with this self-education thing. I've decided that we need to go to school.
School?
Yes! I've sent out applications to all the best places: Harvard, Yale, Princeton...
Does this mean I should stop reading Green Eggs and Ham?
No, dear brother. I think you could use all the help you can get.

 

by Savage
10-24-04
Our first day at school! I'm really nervous Ed.
Don't be, Fred. Just do your best; you'll be fine.
I'm glad we didn't have to leave home to go to school, like to one of those colleges you were talking about.
It's probably for the best. Mom and Dad would probably fall apart without us to look after them.
It was nice of Mom to talk to that Special Education lady.
Mom always said her boys were special.

 

by Savage
10-24-04
I'm glad we got desks right next to each other, Ed.
Well, I had to trade that weird kid over there my lunch for this seat.
Oh Ed! You are such a good brother! You can have half of my lunch!
Okay, we'll split it. Thanks, bro.
Do you want the bourbon, or the vodka?
You decide, little bro. You decide.

 

by Savage
10-24-04
Now class, I want you to open up your reading workbooks to page--Fred and Ed! What are you doing?
! ! ! Oh no! Mom was right about the rubber pants.
Uhh...Nothing, Ms. Klamnstinch.
Come to the board. And bring those bottles with you!

 

by Savage
10-24-04
Now, Mrs. Wanker... Though we are a very progressive school, we simply cannot tolerate children bringing liquor into the classroom.
Oh, I'm sure it wasn't liquor! It was probably their cold medicine. Yeah, that's it! Say... you're very pretty. Has anyone ever told you that?
I get off at three.
Okey dokey... so... about the boys?...

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Whew! I thought for sure that we would get expelled!
We have the best mom!
Dad wasn't happy when Mom staggered in at four a.m., with all those new friends.
Nah, he didn't mind. He's used to her nightowl ways.
That big woman in the flannel shirt kept challenging him to arm wrestle. I don't think he liked that.
Well, she did put him in a headlock until he agreed to play.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Halloween is only a few days away, Ed. I'm so excited!
Me too. Have you got your costume?
Yes. I'm going as "the Fly" from that scary movie.
I got this great skeleton costume. Nobody will recognize us!
That's good. Maybe this year, we won't get arrested.
Sometimes I think Granny might be getting a little senile.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Why did you wake me up so early today, Ed?
We have to go downtown and register to vote.
Vote? For what?
For President of the United States, chowderhead.
Oh. Okay. Afterward, can I ride the horsey ride at Walmart?
Sure thing, little bro. And if you're good, we can get ice cream.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
There's no one here to register us, Ed.
It's probably a do-it-yourself process, Fred. See, the computer's on. I'll take care of it. You just sit down and behave.
Yep. Here's the list of all the voter's names and addresses. I'll just add us to the list--oops!

 

by Savage
10-25-04
What the hell? Someone's erased the entire voter registration database!
Does this mean we can't vote, Ed?
Don't worry, Fred. This is America. I'll fix this. We're going straight to the top!

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Wow, Ed. Is that really the White House?
It sure is, Fred.
Where the President lives?
Yep. You know, Granny had a big romance with one of the old-timey Presidents. I think it was that big fat one. I remember one time she showed me some pictures...
Really? I feel so patriotic!
We Wankers are a part of history, man!

 

by Savage
10-25-04
How are we going to get into the White House, Ed?
Just ring the bell on the gate, I guess.
That guard sure was nice. But he thought we were here to pick up the garbage.
It's okay. He'll be busy for a while with that bottle of 151 I gave him. Let's go upstairs.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Wow! We're actually inside the White House!
Is it all that you expected, dear brother?
More! It's so...so beautiful!
Hey look! Is that a velvet Elvis painting? I sure wish Mom could see this!
>sniff!< I'm sorry, Ed. I'm just so moved, that I can't help crying.
I feel the same way, Fred. Who wouldn't?

 

by Savage
10-25-04
I have to go potty, Ed.
There's a visitor's restroom right over there. Hurry up, though. I want to meet the President.
Here now! You can't go wandering away from the tour like that!
Huh?
Well?
Could I ask you a question, angry lady?

 

by Savage
10-25-04
I'm waiting...
Uh, could you tell me what the President's name is?
Fuck...
I hate my job.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Hey Ed, there was this guy in the restroom, and he was--
Shut up! Let's get out of here! I think that tour guide went to get Security!
...and he reeked of liquor, officer!
Another stinking terrorist, no doubt. Don't worry, Miss. We'll get him. Today is a level Red day. That means I don't have to obey any of those pesky "civil rights" rules.
Oooohhh... Could I hold your gun?
Watch it, lady. You keep talking like that, and I might have to arrest and stripsearch you.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
How will we find the President?
I dunno. Just look around, I guess.
Oh look! There's a guy who might be able to tell us where the President is!
Woo hoo! Hey man, have a brewsky!
Thanks, but I brought my own. Could you tell me where to find the President?

 

by Savage
10-25-04
I think ol' Stinky's in the head. I'd be hurling too if I drank seventeen purple Jesuses in a row!
I'm Ed Wanker, American citizen. Who are you?
I'm Mikey "the Big One" Cabot-Lowell. I went to school with ol' Stinky. That is, when he WENT to school--hahahaha!
Oops! I see someone--bye now!
Damn. I could have sworn I saw him!

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Hello there. Care to share a bit of whatever you've got in that bag?
Sure. Who are you?
Ha ha! You Yanks have such a droll sense of humour! I'm just visiting my good friend and ally, and "hanging" with his lovely daughters. Super party going on upstairs; why don't you join us?
Thanks. Oh! Are you English? Uhmmm...sorry about 1776 and all that. I'm sure you guys put up a good fight.
Fucking Americans!
They sure do talk funny.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Where could Ed be? I feel so incomplete without him!
Oh, Hi! Would you happen to know where I could find the President?
Daddy? I think he's partying with some of his old Frat brothers.
Also, I seem to have lost my twin brother. Can you help me?
Ooh! You're a twin too? You know, you are kind of cute. When you find your brother, you both come up to our suite. We've got lots of Tequila, and Grandma makes a killer Margarita.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Hello. Are you the President?
Yes! Well, no... But I used to be! Say, have you seen a pair of women's panties lying around--size extra large?
Uh, no. Have you seen a guy who looks just like me?
Not since my wife made me give up Southern Comfort and cheeseburgers after midnight.
I bet that weird guy I met in the restroom could have told me where the President was. I didn't like to bother him when he was barfing, though--- Hey!
Uhm, could you tell me where the press conference is being held? I'm a little bit dislosticated.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Ed!
Fred! Where on earth have you been?
I was looking for you. Hey look! It's that guy I saw barfing in the restroom, up on the stage!
Huh?
My fellow Amernians...

 

by Savage
10-25-04
There they are!
They're dead meat, Miss.
Oh no!
Busted!
Fred, how come they arrested us? We didn't do anything.
Security is tight these days. At least YOU got to meet the President. Did you get his autograph for Mom?

 

by Savage
10-25-04
We're almost out of bourbon, Ed. I'm scared.
Chin up, Fred. Someone will rescue us.
This part is boring. Let's see...
Who are you?
My name is C.B. DeKreapee, and I have a little proposition for you boys.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
A proposition? No way! Our Dad warned us about guys like you! Ed! Don't let him hurt me!
>chuckle!< No, no. You misunderstand me. I'm not here about THAT. May I come in?
Thank you. I'm sorry I frightened your brother. I represent a grassroots group of concerned American citizens.
Hey! I'm an American citizen!
Of course you are! And a fairly typical one at that, I'd wager.
>blush< Awww...gee whiz...that's awfully nice of you to say.

 

by Savage
10-25-04
I'll cut to the chase, my fine young man. Our party is looking for a last-minute Presidential candidate, and the name Wanker came up.
Wow! Cool! Which one of us do you want to run?
Why, both of you, of course! Our campaign slogan will be, "Two Wankers for the price of one!"
Hey, that's funny; that's our Mom's slogan, too!
Really? Frowsy tattooed tart with green hair?
Yes. You know her?

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Now, what we propose to do, is to have you boys run on a "Freedom" platform.
Uh-huh. Say, would you like some bourbon? Sorry about the drool on the bottleneck.
No thank you. I partook of my particular vice shortly before arriving here.
Well, I'd better pour some down my brother's throat. You frightened him so much that he fainted, and now he seems to be convulsing.
Take all the time that you need, Mr. President. Heh-heh...
I'm going to like living in the White House! Can I pee off one of those round porches on the second floor?

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Hmm... the action is still a bit draggy. I know. I'll--oops!
Damn it! I'm gonna kick that computer-repair nerd in the butt!
Well, hellooo there! Would you like a drink?
I'm outta here!
Wait! Don't go! I'll have the guard fetch a blender, and we can have frozen daiquiris!

 

by Savage
10-25-04
Hey, that was that nice girl I met backstage in Las Vegas.
Hey bro, guess what? While you were biting your tongue and foaming at the mouth, I got us a new gig!
Really? Cool!
Yes. Fred, you are looking at the next President of the United States!
Does that mean I'll be the First Lady?
Don't even go there, bro. Don't even go there.

 

by Savage
10-26-04
I sure am glad to be out of jail, Ed.
Me too, Fred. Our campaign manager is coming over, so you listen for the doorbell, while I whip up some of my famous liver-apricot dip.
I wonder if the President's bedroom has bunk beds?
>Ding Dong!<
Hi. I'm Fred. Me and my brother are going to be President.
Of course you are, my simple young lad. Just do everything I tell you to, and don't ask any questions.

 

by Savage
10-26-04
What're ya reading, Ed?
A notice someone stuffed in our mailbox. It says that there are certain Halloween costumes that are not permitted in this town.
Really? Like what?
It says here: no witches, monsters, serial killers, devils--wow. There must be a hundred different costumes on this list.
It isn't right to tell us what we can dress up as!
You got that right, bro. I'm going to ask our campaign manager about getting this issue before the public!

 

by Savage
10-28-04
I've scheduled a debate between you and the two major candidates.
But wait, there's this flyer I got. It's about Halloween costumes--
Hurry now, or you'll be late!
But---
DO AS I SAY, SCUZZBALL! OR I'LL KILL YOUR BROTHER!
Fred!

 

by Savage
10-28-04
I have a plan for America! (Of course, I can't tell you what it is, right now...) ...I was in the war. I had medals and stuff.
The army wouldn't take me. They told me I was in section 8. Whatever that means.
If reelected, I shall continue to perform my doodies of office with dignitude.

 

by Savage
10-28-04
I sure am going to like being President! Hey, do I get to debate after my brother is finished?
So, Mr. Wanker. How is it that you and your brother decided to run for President of the United States?
Well, it all started when we tried to register to vote, and we couldn't. Then we went to Washington, and--
What? You mean to tell me that you and your brother are not even registered voters?
Well, not yet. See, when we got out of jail, we met with this guy--
You were in jail? Tell me more...

 

by Savage
10-28-04
This late-breaking bulletin just in! Surprise last-minute third party Presidental candidates, Fred and Ed Wanker, have revealed that they are not registered to vote. Jane?
Thank you, Dan. And in an even more shocking revelation, Channel 3 has learned that the candidates are hardened criminals, who recently spent time in a Washington D.C. jail.
This bit of vulgarity brought to you by Grumpy
More on this story after a commercial pause... Okay. The red light is off. Jane, why don't you slip under the desk and blow me?
I have a better idea. Why don't you turn around and fuck yourself hairspray boy?

 

by Savage
10-28-04
Turn off the T.V. Timmy. I think I'm going to barf.
Me too, Tommy. Who'd have believed that those two jerks could run for President?
What the hell is this country coming to?
We should be the ones running for President.
Let's go egg their house again.
I'm with you, brother.

 

by Savage
10-29-04
Whyyyy won't you go out with me anymore?
Once was enough.
But I thought you liked me.
You had sex with my roomate in the bathroom while I was getting us drinks!
Shit! I said I was sorry.
And ever since he moved out, I've had to pay the entire rent by myself.

 

by Savage
10-29-04
Well, you can forget about being President now, Wanker. I can't believe your retarded brother told that reporter that you weren't registered voters.
This is so unfair! I was going to have a kegger on the White House lawn for our inaugural party. With Hooter's girls serving hot wings!
I'm sad we can't be President, Ed.
Well, Fred, maybe it's all for the best.
What do you mean, Ed?
Well, now we'll have more time to devote to becoming intellectuals. I bet our teacher will be really happy to see us back in her classroom on Monday!

 

by Savage
10-29-04
I'm sorry, Master. But those drunkards were just a little bit TOO stupid.
Foiled again! My evil plan must triumph!
Please don't punish me. I'll do better next time.
Yeeeesssss. Start looking for a candidate for the 2008 election.
Right away, Master!
I will rule the world yet! Bwahahahahahahahahaaaaa!

 

by Savage
10-29-04
What are we going to do about that banned costume list?
Ignore it, of course! They can't tell us what to wear! This is America!
Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light...
Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light...
That song always makes me cry a little, Ed.
Well, dry your tears little brother, and go put on your Halloween costume. It's Halloween! Woo Hoo!

 

by Savage
10-29-04
EEK! Ed, you look so scary!
So do you, Fred. Grab your loot bag, and your flasks!
I bet we get lots of candy!
And don't forget, bourbon from old lady West!
I'm ready to go!
All right! First, let's go scare Mom! Last year, I made her drop her gin bottle!

 

by Savage
10-31-04
Oh no! I dropped my flask at that last house, Ed!
Stay calm, bro. I'll go get it.
Well, time to change into our costumes, I guess.
Halloween is such a drag.
We look just like those assholes.
I hope nobody throws anything at us.

Showing page 4.

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