All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
3-03-01
Hi, Jon! Damn you look like hell. What happened to you?
I met Tataki in the park again today and she beat me up again.
I don't know why I let her do that. How can I be attracted to someone who gives me nothing in return but internal lesions? What is it about her that draws me to her so strongly?
She's female and you crave the attention.
I suspect it's because she's female and pays attention to me.

 

by Scyess
3-03-01
Cowdjinn, I've decided I need to change my image.
Really? For you that's a lot like deciding the world is round.
I'm glad you're so supportive. I just don't know what I should change it to.
How about pink? Chicks dig the pink.
I know, but I'm just not sure I'm ready for the shift to color...

 

by Scyess
3-03-01
Jon looks for a new image...
... the drunken frat boy image? I don't think so.
Dude! I am like, soo drunk. *burp* Woah, I'm gonna hurl... but that just means room for another brewski!
I long for the sweet taste of human death... the destruction of the race is the only thing which can bring pleasure to this distorted form.
... angst-filled goth misanthrope image? No way!
With all the freaks in the world I find it hard to believe I can be so unappealing...
Hey, who's that angst-filled goth misanthrope over there? He's cute! {rowrrr}

 

by Scyess
3-03-01
After hours of searching, I think I've finally come up with a new image for myself!
Great, Jon! Come on in and let's see it!
Tah-dah! What do you think?
...!
It's the cute-and-fuzzy look! Girls can't help but go for me now!
Um, I think you may have missed the point...

 

by Scyess
3-03-01
YEEEEEEEEEHHAAWWWW!!!!
Forward, men! Charge! Onward to glory!
It appears that we're being invaded, Pan!
Don't blame me. You're the one who decided to roast Kianu Reeves, Mel Brooks, Cameron Diaz, and Tom Cruise over a spit!
Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time...
Actually, ma'am, we're just a-rushin' to be first to give y'all a right proper thank ye. I 'magine the rest of the 'merican people ain't too far behind.

 

by Scyess
3-04-01
News Flash! Scientits at the University of Connecticut today discovered a drug which feels like cocaine, heroine, extasy, and marijuana all in one, but with no negative side effects.
...!
Congress passed a law making it manditory for Americans to have some every day. Also, Keanu Reeves and Britney Spears were outlawed today; their execution is scheduled for Thursday.
No way! Really? That rocks!
Haha! Just kidding. Next time pay attention to the commercials, jerk!
Man, I gotta find my remote.

 

by Scyess
3-05-01
You can't actually think you'll be able to pick up women by dressing up like a squirrel.
Well, I can't do any worse than I did before.
I don't know how a 5'8" man can even fit into a 11" squirrel suit, anyway.
I refuse to take this suit off until I successfully woo a woman!
Stuck, huh?
Like a Buick in a microwave.

 

by Scyess
3-05-01
Despondent and stuck in a squirell suit, Jon wanders the mean streets alone.
Here, squirrely squirrely squirrley!
Jim! I'm not a squirrel, I'm Jon stuck in a squirrel suit! Why are you hailing squirrels on the street? You were going to try to eat me, weren't you, you sick bastard?
Wut the... Jon? Naw, Jon. I know you don't think much of me and us cowboys, but you've gotta give me a little credit!
Oh, sorry, Jim. But you're making me a little nervous anyway, so I'm outta here. See ya.
Okay, Jim, I FINALLY found some of those acorn-flavored condoms you wanted.
Took yer time, too. Anyway, let's head over to the park. Buncha wierdos hang out 'round here.

 

by Scyess
3-05-01
My job sucks. My romantic life is in a shambles. I'm stuck in a rediculously small and tight squirrel suit. I don't think my life could possibly be any worse than it is right now.
I came over here intending to hit you up for a trick, but upon seeing your face I realize I would only sleep with you if the world were nuked and you were the last he-squirrel on Earth.
...and now, as the ultimate culmination of my pathos, I am striking out with prostitute from the rodent family.
Yikes! Actually, I take that back.

 

by Scyess
3-05-01
Oh, crap, it's Tataki! When she sees me stuck in this squirrel suit I'm going to get a beating for sure...
Oh my goodness! I don't know when I've seen such a cute and friendly squirrel.
Then again, I guess there's no law that says I HAVE to tell her it's me in here...
Hi, little guy! Would you like to come home with me? I'll carry you in my shirt where it's nice and warm.

 

by Scyess
3-05-01
Hi, Tataki! It's me, Jon! Instead of taking advantage of your thinking I'm really a squirrel and getting to ride in your shirt, I'm being chivalrous and telling you it's me! Isn't that chivalrous?
!!!
(a large Batman-like "WHAP" effect would be useful here)
Squeak!
I would be impressed, if you weren't such a •Ï‘Ô‚Å SQUIRRELLY LITTLE PERVERT! HIYA!!
I'm sorry, Jon. It's hard to be professional when your patient has just been beaten up by a cute girl because he's stuck in a squirrel suit that's nine times smaller than his actual body.
It's okay, Doc. Surely by now you know that I'm used to derisive laughter. In fact, I doubt my bones would knit without it. Have a ball.

 

by Scyess
3-05-01
Jon, back at home, is still stuck in his squirrel suit.
**ring ring**
}}}misery{{{
Speakerphone.
Hello, Jon? *growl* This is Samantha. *grunt* *drool* I was wondering if you were *snort* up for a couple of drinks tonight? *slurp* *smack*
I'd love to, Samantha, but I've just spent all day stuffed into an 11" squirrel suit, and I can't get out! I couldn't stand the agony of being seen in public anymore like this.
The number of cordless roatary speakerphones around here is mind-boggling, don't you agree?
Oh really? *smack* Then prepare to know the agony *grunt* of using lame bursh-off lines on a Lord of Hell! *snort* *drool*
No, really! I'm serious! Please don't rip away my flesh again! Aw, man, today sucks.

 

by Scyess
3-06-01
*ding dong*
Come in.
Hi, there. *slobber* I invited Jon for drinks tonight, *pant* and now I'm here to make him suffer for the lame line he brushed me off with. *growl* If you could just point me in his direction...
Sorry, Jon's not here right now. I'll tell him you stopped by, though. See ya!
You know, looking at you reminds me *spit* that when I'm asked how I like my steak, I generally say, "pink." *drool* *grunt*
...by which I mean, he's not here, he's in the other room cowering under the bed. I'll "see ya" to the bedroom. Right this way, ma'am.

 

by Scyess
3-06-01
Actually, Jon *snarl* I'm not here to rip off your flesh. *grunt* I came to help you *drool* get out of that squirrel suit. *pant* *smack* ... if you really want me to.
Of course I do! Please help me! Anything has to be better than this! I can't feel my legs and I can't take any more smart-ass remarks about my "nuts!"
** ***RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP*** **
Okay...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
*slobber* Tah dah! You're out. *grunt* You can thank me later.
That had to be the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life.

 

by Scyess
3-08-01
You mean your method of helping me get out of that suit was to turn me into an ELEPHANT?
Yeah! *slobber* Pretty cool, huh?
You couldn't think of anything better than an elephant???
Hey, don't blame me, *snort* blame Johnny.
So what the hell am I supposed to do now?
I don't know. *snarl* Join a Disney comic strip? Join the anti-ivory lobby? *spit* Eat that annoying Planters' mascot?

 

by Scyess
3-08-01
Hey, there's an elephant! I wonder if he escaped from our circus...?
Hey, buddy! What the hell are you looking at?
AAAHH! Help! Talking elephant!!!
Hehehe. So then he screams, "Aaah! Talking elephant!"
Well, you've got to admit, a talking elephant is pretty freaky.

 

by Scyess
3-08-01
Hi, Tataki! It's me, Jon! I'm an elephant now!
What the...
It should wear off in a few days, but I figure as long as I weigh over three tons I can ask you out without getting the crap beaten out of me.
Grrrr...
In other news, an elephant was seen today roaming downtown with its trunk mysteriously rammed up its ass.
That's it. Pack your bags, Martha. This town is just too wierd for me.

 

by Scyess
3-09-01
*ding dong*
I'll get it.
I have come to bring to you your Eternal Piece
AAAHH! No! Not me! I'm still so young! Show me mercy! Please!!
Um, that's the Eternal Piece of Pizza you ordered. Just cough up the $12.35.
Man, I hate these theme restaurants.

 

by Scyess
3-11-01
Hey, Tataki! Isn't it about time we went out on a real date?
No. But some friends and I are going bungee jumping tomorrow. You can come if you want.
...well?
Um, that sounds great, but tragically, I'm allergic to bungee.
Aw, c'mon! Are you chicken?

 

by Scyess
3-11-01
Howdy, partner. Why the long face?
I'm tired of being stereotyped as cowardly just because I happen technically to be a "chicken."
Shucks. That's a shame.
That's why I'm here in this bar drowning my sorrows.
If you'd care to drown 'em in honey barbeque sauce, I've got plenty of it at my place. That is, unless you're scared.
Then again, running in terror every once in a while might not be such a bad thing.

 

by Scyess
3-12-01
Oh, hi, Jim. What've you been up to?
Well, Jon, I've been thinkin'.
This is supposed to be a "free" nation, but are any of us really free? When we vote, does it really matter? Can we park where we want to? Freedom, Jon, is just an illusion in America.
Hhmmmm... an interesting point. I take it, Jim, that this means you've decided not to let that little girl out of your basement?
Well, Jon, ain't it better to keep her locked up honestly and keep her from America's lies? 'sides, I ain't done with her yet.

 

by Scyess
3-13-01
Hey, are all these girlie magazines I found in the closet yours?
NO!
You realize, of course, that since I live chained in your closet I actually SEE you put them there.
Man, he gets me with that one every time...

 

by Scyess
3-13-01
Hi, Tataki! Why don't we go out tonight and talk about old times?
I don't like you.
C'mon! We can relive the high and low points of our friendship!
We were never friends.
What do you say? We'll make it my treat!
If you want me to hurt you, there are less roundabout ways to ask, you know.

 

by Scyess
3-16-01
Blues is better!
Country music is better!
Blues has soul! Blues is about life! It's about hard times and hard luck.
So's country music.
And blues is sung by a bunch of inbred, cow-raping, ludicrously-accented hicks...
No it ain't! That's coun- ... HEY!

 

by Scyess
3-17-01
Blues is better!
J-Pop is better!
Blues has soul! And people actually play instruments.
J-Pop has correographed movements! And no one NEEDS instruments because it's all done electronically and sounds the same.
Blues comes from a rich history of blacks enslaved and forced into bondage.
Well, J-Pop is sung by pubescent girls voluntarily enslaved by their producers. And they're a lot cuter than some sweaty black guy with a guitar!

 

by Scyess
3-17-01
J-Pop is better!
Easy-listening is better!
What? You like EASY LISTENING??
Sure! I guess I just got used to it since they always pipe it in everywhere I go in Hell.
I should have known that.
I mean, we DID invent it, after all.

 

by Scyess
3-20-01
Easy listening is better!
Zalfrovian musical larp screaming is better!
Easy listening is ubiquitous! And soothing.
Zalfrovian musical larp screaming features the sounds of thousands of meakly mofiberps giving birth to litters of spikey blar hoomies, and long, rhythmic harmonica, tuba, and jackhammer improv solos.
That's just silly. And yet, somehow, it sounds strangely more appealing than easy listening...
It's not as silly as giving the name "easy listening" to something that's so hard to listen to.

 

by Scyess
3-20-01
Comebacks in the 20th Century
... So then the giant says, "Silly rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!" Haha
Oh, Cowdjinn! You're a funny guy... but don't worry, looks aren't everything.
Comebacks in the 21st Cenutry
... So then the rabbi says, "We'll throw all the money up in the air, and what God wants, he keeps!" Haha.
Oh, Cowdjinn! You're a funny guy... I lost my entire savings in tech stocks.
Welcome to the New Millinium
Touche! Wow, what a zinger!
**sob**

 

by Scyess
3-23-01
Note to self: Buy stock in Cordless Rotary Speakerphone Corp.
Hello? I'd like to order a large with pepperoni and anchovies.
ooo... a large! I'm a 36-DD. You want me to rub that pepperoni all over my enormous tits?
Um, is this 1-800-PIZZA?
No, this is 1-900-PIZZAZ... the phone service that can make all your deepest desires come true.
Great! I desire a large pizza with pepperoni and anchovies. And, hell... if we're talking DEEPEST desire, throw some mushrooms on there, too!
I doubt you can afford that after you get our bill.

 

by Scyess
3-23-01
Jon dials a phone-sex line by mistake.
So you're telling me you're not a pizza delivery girl?
No. I'm a hot blond, brunette, or red-head with all the physical attributes you find appealing enough to masterbate by.
Wow! You sound pretty cute. Wanna go out sometime?
Look, buddy. This is just a job. I actually look like Barbara Bush in a thong bikini. And anyway, I'm busy all the time except for 2:00 to 2:15 am on even-dated Wednesdays until 2016.
That's fine. My social calandar is pretty open.
I hate this job.

 

by Scyess
3-23-01
The things people say are wierd. Yesterday someone actually said, "You're killing me with kindness." Think about it. Isn't that a strange concept? How can kindness hurt anyone?
Hey, buddy. Can I bum a cigarette off you?
Sure! All I have is unfiltered crack-laced Malboro Extra-Tars, but help yourself. In fact, here, take the whole pack.
Oh.
If you're hungry, I'd also be happy to share some of my glass-shard and arsenic brownies with you.

 

by Scyess
3-24-01
Later on, the sport of tennis would become more exciting when someone invented "the other side of the net."
This sucks.
Let's go watch a Raiders game.

 

by Scyess
3-24-01
Attention shoppers: iceberg lettuce is on sale on isle 12.
Iceberg lettuce, eh? What a boring food. Actually, it's not just boring, it's pointless. It's used as often as a disposable garnish as it is for actual food.
It is odorless, flavorless, worthless. It has no nutritional value. In fact, it has no value what-so-ever. The world wouldn't even care if it were done away with completely.
Hi, I'm home. Today at the store I discovered several similarites between myself and iceberg lettuce.
I swear I would move out of here in a second if I weren't chained to the closet...

 

by Scyess
3-24-01
Oh, shit.
Hey, Michelle! It's me, Jon! Do you remember me? We went out once, remember?
C'mon, you have to remember. Don't I look even a little familiar?
(Sorry, Mister. I may look like Michelle, but I'm only a park statue. Better move along...)
You DO remember!

 

by Scyess
3-26-01
Hi, honey. What's up?
You know the vegetable garden you've toiled to grow in the back yard for the last 10 years? I had it ripped out and replaced with the biggest, ugliest lawn ornament I could find.
This had better be his subtile way of telling me he wants a divorce.
Of course, all this really is is my subtle way of telling you I want a divorce!

 

by Scyess
3-27-01
One night at the comedy club...
Good evening ladies and gentlemen! I was in Chicago the other day...
WOOOOOO!!! YEAHHH!!!!! **clap clap clap** **holler** WHOOP WHOOP
What the fuck? Every time I happen to mention a location on stage people seem to feel some sort of need to cheer like I just announced I'd be giving out hundred dollar bills or blow jobs.
Are your lives so pathetic that you have to cheer every time someone publicly mentions a place you're familiar with or -- God forbid -- your gender? God, I hate my species.
WOMEN FROM CHICAGO! WHOOOP!!!

 

by Scyess
3-30-01
I read in the paper today that someone's started a huge counterfeiting ring.
I got a memo today saying the same thing. It says, "People should be very careful who they take money from..."
Uh, pardon me, buddy. Got change for a 25 dollar bill?
Yeah, sure.
Wow! I didn't know Judge Wapner was on the 25 dollar bill!
"...of course, it's unavoidable that the denser of us will get ripped off. They probably deserve it."

 

by Scyess
3-30-01
Whoever this counterfeiter is, he sure is causing an uproar.
I hope this whole situation doesn't get out hand.
Um, hey there, buddy! Can you change a 60 dollar bill?
Sure. Here, take two 15's and a 30.
I hope so, too. Hey, where are you going?
I'm going to the bank to convert my savings to yen.

 

by Scyess
3-30-01
I'm working on becoming a blues singer.
You?
Sure! bu-wah-wah-bum! I woke up this mornin'! / What a ghastly sight! / I's gots plenty o' money / And my face is Cher's-ass-white!
I gots da middle-class-white-guy-with-a-pretty-good-car, a-decent-stable-income, and-no-criminal-record bluuuuues...
Keep working.

 

by Scyess
3-30-01
Hey, Tataki! We've been standing here having a pretty decent conversation for the last half hour!
Hey, yeah! I guess we have!
Maybe it wasn't necessary to beat me up all those times to try to get rid of me.
I guess not. I guess you're a pretty decent guy after all.
Of course, having admitted that, I now have to kick your ass on principle.
*sigh* I know.

 

by Scyess
4-02-01
Welcome to my house, Jon. Take off your jacket.
Okay.
Now take off your pants.
Wow! Okay!!
Now take off. (heh heh)
Aaah! My clothes!

 

by Scyess
4-02-01
Woah... that semi almost ran me down!
It did run you down, silly-head! You're in Hades!
You mean as in "Hell?" Isn't this supposed to be, like, horrible and torture and stuff? And what the hell are you supposed to be?
No, way, you big silly! Hades is the land of endless giggles and fun! A magical place of luv and hugs just the way your mother likes it! I'm Cerberus; I'll be your wuvvy-cute guide for all eternity!
Somehow I always knew I'd regret all those flaming bags of dog poop I left on people's porches when I was seven...
C'mon, Mr. Poopy Pants! The eon-long Smurf and Care Bear marathon is about to start! I can't wait for the sing-alongs between every episode! Oh, boy!

 

by Scyess
4-03-01
Hi, Jon. What's happening? How's your foray into the world of blues?
I've given up on singing the blues. I've decided to go buy a lute instead.
A lute?
Yeah, I figure I could wander around, play my lute and serenade people, you know? I could --- OW! CRAMP!!
Pre-Minstrel Syndrome.
CRAMP! You never really loved me! Boy, I sure could go for an extra-large pizza with everything right now. Hold me!

 

by Scyess
4-03-01
I'll do it! I swear I will! I'll do it unless you give me a reason to live!
Well, pard, things'll be real cheap since the economy went down the crapper. And you can look forward to waching Survivor III.
Plus, as international relations break down we may get to fight a thermonulclear war with China! Hot damn!
Is he serious, kidding, or just trying to kill me??
One more stroke and those amathyst nipple-rings are mine!

 

by Scyess
4-04-01
Meanwhile, in Goiter, Montana...
DAAAAADDDDYYYYY!!!!
Daddy?
...over a seemingly innocent box of "'Mary-Worth-Doesn't-Suck-Donkey-Balls,-No,-Really' Booberry Flakes"...
There's a comptuer-designed, AI-enhanced, politically correct ghost in my cereal! He says he was created by a squid-fellating green nurse in a robot outfit!
I'm not a "ghost,"... I'm a "Metaphysically Impaired Undead American!"
...GM's newest cereal prize turns out to be a flop with consumers and is largely ignored.
If you think this little distraction is going to keep me from slitting my wrists, Princess, you are sadly mistaken.
Mooooooommyyyy!! Daddy's babbling on in egocentric non sequiturs again! Should I turn the hose on him?

 

by Scyess
4-05-01
11:59...
HELP! I TOLD MADAME BOVARIE I'D GET HER SOME EXTRA-ULTRA-SUPER-STRENGTH MIDOL BY NOON! GIVE ME SIX DOZEN!!! HURRY!! And this Coke too, please.
Certianly, sir.
12:01. You're late, schmeckel-head.
I hate working for characters from world literature.

 

by Scyess
4-06-01
...!
eep!
Hi, Jon. Looking up dirty pictures on the web again?
Of COURSE not! I'm simply researching the subject of gynecology. It's a fascinating topic...
...especially when practiced using vibrating rubber instruments on multiple patients at a time.

 

by Scyess
4-06-01
Hey, mister. Do you got a dollar?
Sorry, kid, I'm... uh...
Um, that voice is familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Oh, shit...
HEY! YOU'RE THAT FANTASY "GIRL" FROM 1-900-PIZZAZ!
Yes! Yes, it's me! I admit it! You wanked off to the sound of my voice... and I'm a 13-year-old boy! Muahahaha! Now give me a dollar, perv.

 

by Scyess
4-06-01
I must conquer my fears. I'm a coward just because I'm "chicken." That's just a stupid stereotype.
Hey, Clem, you seen that chicken? Yeah... look over by them bushes, Colonel.
I don't see 'im, Clem.
Look over here! Ain't that him outpacing that Mitsubishi down I-94?

 

by Scyess
4-06-01
Gee, Jim, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm leaving you for another guy. That's him right behind me.
What, girl? What's he got that I h- ...
Hi there.
Can you believe that guy? I'm sorry about that outburst... calling you a "Jew," "celebate," "holier-than-thou..."
Um, yeah. Forget it. Say, my sweet, why don't we go over to that water fountian and have some wine?

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »