All comics by CHUBBY

 

by CHUBBY
10-04-04
I'm Rush Limbaugh! Ni-- uh, blacks are BAD! Drug addicts should be in PRISON! Gay marriage is WRONG! Frivolous lawsuits are WRONG!
That old bat got $30,000,000 from McDonald's for spilling hot coffee in her lap! That's WRONG! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Six years later....
That moment when, whacked out on oxycontin, I spilled hot coffee in my lap, was the beginning of my new life. I awoke in the prison infirmary. It was there I met Darnell. We got married.
Pres. Kerry legalized gay marriage. But this time next year, I'll be a woman. Yes, McDuck's is paying to remove my burnt, useless male organs and replace them with a vagina. I already have boobs.
Here he is now! Hi, Darnell!
SHUT UP BITCH, AND BEND OVER!

 

by CHUBBY
10-05-04
Hey, Dubya!
Yes, Karl?
You're delivering the eulogy at "Dick's" memorial service tomorrow. That would be a great time to announce your new running mate!
Awright. Who is he?
Um, I don't know-- you haven't picked one yet.
Oh. I thought it was that Nader fella.

 

by CHUBBY
10-05-04
What happened on 9/11/01? Noah Lipschitz, pizza guy:
That was, like, when the Iraqis bombed the Statue of Liberty or something.
What will you do to commemorate 9/11 this year? Dakota Slutsky, Wal-Mart greeter:
The kids have no school, so we all go to my parents' beachhouse for a cookout. Then we exchange gifts. I'll be glad next year when they make it a Monday holiday. It's so inconvenient.
What does 9/11 mean to you? Osama Bin-Laden, elder statesman:
Allah Akhbar!

 

by CHUBBY
10-05-04
"Dick" Cheney was cutting all ties between himself and Enron, but it had nothing to do with me. He had the money. It was his. Oh, I knew he kicked some upstairs to Dubya, but that was it.
It made "Dick" sick to have to share the money with the guys who stole it. He'd rather whack 'em. For weeks, bodies were turning up everywhere.
When they found Ken Lay in the meat truck, his body was frozen so solid it took two days to thaw him out so they could do the autopsy.

 

by CHUBBY
10-05-04
Sen. Kerry, are there any character issues you would bring up about your opponent?
He's a crooked, lying, election-stealing slimeball who's the moronic, genial front man for a pack if thugs that are robbing this country of its future. I don't mean that in a bad way.
He doesn't know any better because he's a lazy, smirking, arrogant, self-centered, alcoholic, coke-addled, borderline-retarded lesser primate, and I say that with all due respect.
....................................Time.
I'm just sayin', he's a draft-dodging, deserting, yellow-bellied rat bastard who peed his pink panties at the thought of going to fight a war he supported, but sends our kids to die for Halliburton.
I'M TALKIN' HERE! He has used our greatest tragedy to advance his personal agenda of shredding the Constitution and invading Iraq to win his Daddy's love. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
.........................Dubya, same question.
And the fact that this nincompoop bankrupted five companies, the state of Texas, and the US; and took more vacation in eight months than Clinton did in eight years, I'm not gonna go there.
Uhm, sometimes he flip-flops.

 

by CHUBBY
10-05-04
Stay tuned for "That's My Bush!", next on Comedy Central.
Whew! 9/11, Afghanistan, Iraq, it was all a terrible nightmare. Hehe. I love this guy! He's such a dumbass.
Today, Dubya, "Dick", and the so- called "Gang of Five" on the Supreme Court were removed from office by the Senate. The disgraced Dubya must even fly home in coach class.
No one move! We have boxcutters! We are flying this plane into the Pentagon in the name of Allah!
Uh, oh.

 

by CHUBBY
10-05-04
Register to vote!
Vote Democratic on November 2!
Remember, your vote counts!*
*Excludes parts of Florida.

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
Hey everybody, this is Bob "I'm-dead-but-I-still-contractually-owe-NBC-one-more-special" Hope. Boy, I wanna tell ya, I've been to WWII, Korea, Nam, the Gulf, but I never saw a war like this campaign.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, how about that Kerry? I don't wanna say he flip-flops, but last week he went to the beach and 6 people tried to wear him. And, Dubya-- was it a good idea to get Gerry Ford as your debate coach?
(LAUGHTER)
We'll be right back after this word from our sponsors with John Kerry, Dubya, Brooke Shields, Phyllis Diller, the late Jerry Colonna, and the AP All-American Football Team.
(APPLAUSE)

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
Senator Kewwy, if you were a twee, what kind of twee would you be?
A coat tree.
Dubya-- oh, I wike that name, it's easy to pwonounce-- are you still twying to show Daddy something? Like with this invasion of Iwaq? Or maybe you're twying to make up for inadequacies in other aweas.
Has your wife Lawa conducted a fwuitless search for WMD's in your pants? Dubya?
I promised myself I wasn't going to cry.

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
Tonight on a very special "Dinner for Five", we have the Democratic and Republican nominees for President and Vice-president. Dubya, start you off with a drink?
Just club soda, please.
Oh, c'mon. Live a little. Put a shot of something in it.
Well, maybe just one.
Ninety minutes later....
...we lower the draft age to 14, we'll have enough cannon fodder to invade Syria, North Korea, and France. We don' care. We ain't gonna run agin. "Dick" may not even live thru the term, right, "Dick"?
HARHARHAR!

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
I'm Dick Cavett-- as if you didn't know. My guests tonight are the nominees for President, Senator John Kerry, a Democrat from Massachusetts; and Dubya.
Uh, Dick-- I'm the President. Of the United States.
Of America, one presumes. First question: I understand both of you went to Yale! How funny! So did I! Of course, I wasn't in Skull & Bones, I was in the Drama Society....
Ninety minutes later....
...Groucho once told me a wonderful story about a job applicant who says he went to Yale and the interviewer asks him what his name is and he says "Yonny Yohnson"! Woody and I used to do standup...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
There was this young man by the name of John Kerry who was a Senator, and he's one of these young men we meet in life, I'm sure you've met some like him, who did not deserve what he had.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
...and what he had was the election locked up so I took it upon myself to take it away from John Kerry who did not deserve it. It took a lot of graft to get it away from him because he was a fighter.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm.
Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this, but he was a Frenchman pretending to be an Irishman. What the hell are you doing with that axe?
I aim to kill you with it. Mmm-hmm.

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
Dubya... you can blame the last team all you want, but the fact is 9/11 happened on your watch. And you had taken more vacation in the previous eight months than the last guy did in 8 years.
You defeated the Taliban, but before you finished your task of capturing Osama Bin-Laden, you withdrew and left it up to the Afghan warlords so you could pursue your hobbies in Iraq.
You've driven this company to the brink of bankruptcy, just like all of your others. This one's easy. You're fired.

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
Dubya... you had the whole civilized world on your side in Afghanistan, but then you dropped the ball.
By invading Iraq, you shattered all your alliances and even your own tribe turned against you.
The tribe has spoken.

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
Dick, I'm worried. We sucked ass in the debates. We need an October surprise.
Relax. It's taken care of. Tony Blair has sent some guys who specialize in that kind of thing. Y'know-- "finding" evidence.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BWAHAHAHA!
Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse just outside Tikrit....
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's all this then?

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
President: The Shadow (Alec Baldwin)
Vice-President: Shadoe Stevens
Secretary of War: Ol' Shadow

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
1951.
Dubya, name the countries in the Soviet bloc.
Czechoslovakia, Hungary, East Germany, Romania, and Bulgaria.
You forgot Poland.

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
One day, Dubya awoke to find out he had turned into a large insect.
Drrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Drrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Outside of the improvements, noone ever noticed the difference.
Drrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

by CHUBBY
10-06-04
Yo' mama so stupid, she sit on the tv and watch the couch!
Yo' mama so fat, when she haul ass, it take her two trips!
Yo' mama so ugly, she had to get you drunk before you would breastfeed!
My daddy can have your daddy whacked.

 

by CHUBBY
10-07-04
Hey, Dubya, listen to this: "Why of course, the people don't want war. Why would some poor slob... want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back... in one piece?
"Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America. That is understood. But ...it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy...
"[I]t is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a ...dictatorship...The people can always be brought to do the bidding of the leaders. That is easy.
"All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."
Hehe, "Dick", ain't that the truth! What good ol' boy said that? Karl Rove?
Close. Herman Goering.

 

by CHUBBY
10-07-04
You forgot Poland.
"Wrong war wrong place wrong time."
If Kerry is in office, the terrorists will attack.
That's hot.

 

by CHUBBY
10-07-04
Boo hoo hoo, look at me, I'm Dubya, my Daddy never loved me, I guess I'm gonna have to invade Iraq to get his attention.
Snap out of it, son! The coke and booze have addled your brain. Why don't you be a man for once in your pathetic life, you creep?
There are fourteen characteristics of a serial killer and you have twelve of them.

 

by CHUBBY
10-07-04
Wouldn't it be great if real life was like this? Oh, it was! At the Veep debates, "Dick" said:
I never even met you before tonight.
Well, just once, at the Senate prayer breakfast.
"Dubya introduced us."
Senator Edwards, this is "Dick". Teehee.
"I was the one sitting next to you. For a couple hours."

 

by CHUBBY
10-07-04
Wouldn't it be great if real life was like this? Oh, it was! At the Veep debates, "Dick" suggested viewers go to FactCheck.com if they didn't believe him.
FactCheck.com will bear me out!
Millions didn't believe him, and so they saw this. "If we re-elect him, we endorse the Bush doctrine of preemptive action and the invasion of Iraq, and we will have to live with the consequences...
"a vicious circle of escalating violence with no end in sight. But if we repudiate the Bush policies at the polls, we shall have a better chance to break the vicious circle.
" 9/11 led to suspension of the critical process essential to democracy. "[Dubya] silenced all criticism by calling it unpatriotic. He said 'either you are with us,
"'or you are with the terrorists.' I am afraid he is leading us in a very dangerous direction. We are losing the values that have made America great. He committed a fundamental error in thinking.
"What we do may also be wrong. Recognizing that we may be wrong is the foundation of an open society. [Dubya] admits no doubt and does not base his decisions on reality.
"For 18 months he managed to suppress all dissent. That is how he could lead the nation so far in the wrong direction. [He] inadvertently played right into the hands of bin Laden..."

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
I think you're a great father and your daughter's a fine young woman.
Well, I think you're a great father and your daughters are fine young women.
Man, she was smokin' hot in that see-thru dress! She put the cans back into Cannes film festival!
I've pleasured myself many a time thinking about a three-way with the twins.
Uh, oh...
Shit...

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
Next on "Rumsfeld"....
Why do people object when you torture prisoners of war? Who are these people?
(LAUGHTER)
Rummy has a run-in with the local convenience store owner....
Hey! What are you thinking this is, the public library? If you want to read CHICKS WITH DICKS, you have to buy it!
Listen, you camel jockey. I'll have John Ashcroft send you to Gitmo so fast it'll make your turban spin!
And George gets an idea....
...see, the gag is, Saddam doesn't HAVE any WMD's. It's a war about nothing!
A war about nothing. I like it!

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
I'm Superpatriot. Got a yellow ribbon AND American flag on my Mercedes...
....my Porsche SUV...
....my Winnebago....
....my BMW bike, my ATV....
...my Ski-doo, my Sea-doo, my Cessna, my yacht....
HEY, YOU IN THE HYBRID! I DON'T SEE NO AMERICAN FLAG! WHAT'RE YOU, SOME KINDA TERRORIST?

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
Why are Muslims killing American soldiers everyday?
Allah Akhbar!
They hate our freedom, that's why!
Yeah, freedom.
Or not.
LAURA BUSH! WHY DID YOUR HUSBAND SEND MY SON TO IRAQ TO DIE?
SECRET SERVICE! FREEZE, ASSHOLE!

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
Every word guaranteed true.
Giving birth to my daughter. You can't be what you are once you are responsible for another human being... If [you're] not Hillary Duff or Chad Michael Murray, she could care less.
The cell phone plays a role in your latest film. Do you have one with a camera?
I hate that thing with the camera because we have been so disturbed by them. Sometimes, like at a play, people will start taking your picture. I am a mom, so I have a cell phone. It's that simple.
Besides the phone, what do you carry with you?
A camera.

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
Watchoo watchin'?
The Discovery Channel.
The Discovery Channel? Dude, that is, like, so gay. What's on?
Pro wrestling.
Cool.

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
Wait, there's one here.
One what?
IT'S YOU, ISN'T IT! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO PUT DUBYA IN OFFICE!
No, man, I voted for the Green Party!
How did you do that?
What can I say? I have "Nadar."

 

by CHUBBY
10-08-04
In the green room before the vp debates...
Hey, "Dick", the debate's startin'. Don't ya think ya should go easy on the sauce?
Don't worry about me, Dubya. I can handle my liquor.
....and if you don't believe me, just go to....
All across America, the same scene repeats with only minor variations.
FatChick.com? I don't think this is the right site, honey.
OK, let me just make sure first... Maybe he meant FatChick.org?

 

by CHUBBY
10-09-04
Good evening, and welcome to SPOT THE W, where we show you four pictures, and all you have to do to win a prize package selected especially for you is SPOT THE W! Ready, panel? OK, SPOT THE W!
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!
Heh, heh, I guess I didn't explain the rules completely. Please wait until we show all FOUR pictures!

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
Lie.
Did you know Al Gore invented the internet?
Lie about the lie.
Ha! Can you believe it! Al Gore says he invented the internet?
Repeat.
Did you know John Kerry threw away his medals?

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
How Dubya picks his staff...
Rep. Porter Goss, Michael Moore here. You worked at the CIA in the 60's. Could you run it now?
Good heavens, no. I'm not even qualified to work there as an agent!
Later...
Hey Porter! Didn't you use to work at the CIA?
Yes, Dubya.
Wanna run it?
OK.

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
1981.
What's in the coat? Caughtcha redhanded, shoplifting!
But I'm CIA.
If you resign from the company, we'll make all this go away.
OK.
2004.
So, you see, Dubya, that's why I can't be the number 3 man at the CIA.
OK. We'll make you Porter Goss' advisor.

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
Father Seamus reports to the Pope on the beatification of Mother Teresa.
Mother Teresa is seen as someone who helped the sick, but basically she just gave them aspirin and a place to die. She ignored basic medical practices and baptized comatose, dying Muslims and Hindi.
But no expense was spared on her own medical care. And she was unaccountable for any of the hundreds of millions of dollars she raised. She hung out with dictators, like Duvalier.
Finally, she refused to give India's billion people what they really need-- contraception. This dried-up, ancient, hideous, skanky, virginal, sea-hag looking motherfucker told other women what to do.
During the Indo-Pakistani war, 450,000 women were gang-raped by the Pakis. Mother Teresa urged the mothers to keep their half-caste bastards, but didn't comfort the victims or condemn the soldiers.
All she wanted to do was prevent abortions. Therefore, we recommend in the strongest possible way against beatifying Mother Teresa.
Hahaha, you had me going there until you said the part about preventing abortions. We won't beatify her, we'll just go ahead and canonize her tomorrow, if I'm still breathing.

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
They say they can hold me indefinitely without charges under Catch-22. They say they don't have to tell me the charges under Catch-22. I ask for a lawyer, and they say I'm not entitled under Catch-22.
I ask to see this Catch-22. They say Catch-22 says they don't have to show me Catch-22. I threaten to challenge it in court. You can't, they say, Catch-22.
Hewwo, I'm Tom Bwokaw. Today, the Supweme Court overturned Catch-22. Dubya, what effect will this have on the prisoners at Guawa-- Gwana-- in Cuba?
None whatsoever, Tom. The law says the Supreme Court can't overturn the law.
What law is that?
Hehe.

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
OK, pop quiz. Eugenics was advocated by A. Oliver Wendell Holmes, B. Helen Keller, C. W. E. B. Dubois.
Besides Germany and the USSR, eugenics was strongly advocated in A. Sweden, B. Denmark, C. USA.
Eugenics was legalized in A. New York B. California C. Vermont.
Eugenics was practiced by: A. Geo. Washington, B. Thos. Jefferson, C. Andrew Jackson, D. Jas. Madison, E. Jas. Monroe, F. U. S. Grant, G. Andrew Johnson.
I'm against eugenics.

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
Clear Channel owed the FCC an assload of fines.
Well, atsa the last time we get broadcasting licenses unless we pay our fines.
How much do you owe us?
They settled for pennies on the dollar.
$175 million.
$175 million in fines? You can get Howard Stern for $1.75 million and get your own fines.
Clear Channel is a major contributor to Dubya's campaign.
I tell you what I do. We owe $175 million, we pay you $1.75 million and call it square.
Say, that's not a bad idea. I'll tell you, I'll consult my lawyers. And if they advise me not to do it, I'll get new lawyers. Just make the check out to the Committe to Re-up Dubya (CRUD).

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
The world expects us to play by Marquess of Queensbury rules while our opponents kick us in the nads, like the Redcoats marched in formation while the Minutemen picked them off from behind trees.
Allah Akhbar!
In 1945, we faced Asians who fought with suicidal, quasi-religious fervor, believing death in battle was like catching the express to paradise. Two A-bombs made them industrious and peaceloving.
And they were like firecrackers compared to what we have now. Of course, it takes a true man to use them.

 

by CHUBBY
10-10-04
Well, I think they should amend the constitution so that naturalized citizens can run for president. Look at Arnold Scharzenegger!
Yeah, good idea....
A charismatic Austrian immigrant leading a country. What could POSSIBLY go wrong there!

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
If "Dick" and Dubya win the election, they will be ineligible to run again.
Even if one of those constitutional amendments they're so fond of goes through.
For they are contractually obligated elsewhere in 2009....
The day AFTER the election you come to me? Fortunately, Katherine Harris and the five Supremes were already in my pocket. Take him away, and show him some real "compassionate conservatism".

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
As soon as Mothers Against Drunk Drivers cram 0.08 blood alcohol content down our throats, they start lobbying for 0.05. Never mind the fact that most drunk drivers have a BAC of over 0.15.
Where will it end?
0.01 percent! How many have you had this morning?
One. But it was the LARGE oj. I knew I shouldn't have had toast, too.
Perhaps we'll get the Salvadoran punishment here.
0.005 percent, eh? OK, now you must die.
NO! All I had was that O'Doul's shit. I didn't know it had trace amounts of alcohol in it!

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
Judges who impose innovative sentences.
You are hereby sentenced to coach a little league team of streetwise but lovable moppets all the way to the state championship, thereby learning valuable lessons in life.
THANK you, your honor!
The two rogue cops walking to a showdown with the badguys, one with a pump action shotgun, the other with a magnum.
The action hero and the ingenue walking calmly away in slow mo as stuff blows up behind them.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
Next on "Rumsfeld"....
Why do they call it "friendly fire"? It kills you just as dead as enemy fire. They should call it "fire from our side that isn't very friendly".
(LAUGHTER)
Who will win "The Contest"?
I will bet you I can be "Master of My Domain".
And I'll bet you I can be Master of Your Domain!
And George has another run-in with "The Femi-Nazi".
You pro-life? Then NO VOTES for you, my friend.
Aw, c'mon.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
Hello, I'm the Governor of Florida. I'm here to remind you about a big problem-- voting while black.
We take it very seriously in Florida-- violators are subject to fines and/or imprisonment! Even attempted voting is a no-no!
So, if you're black, don't vote. If you vote, don't be black.
I'm Dubya, and I don't even understand this message.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
Legalizing flag-burning does not mean that your neighbor can burn your flag.
Damn! Third one this week! And the police are powerless!
Legalizing abortion will not make it retroactive.
Abortion? I'm agin it. I would never have one. I love my boy. Or girl, or whatever it is.
Legalizing same-sex marriage will not make it mandatory.
... with this ring, I do thee wed...
SHUT UP BITCH, AND BEND OVER!

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
Didja ever notice that the elections are rigged in a state governed by Dubya's brother?
Didja ever notice that on 9/10/01, I told Sen. Dianne Feinstein I wouldn't get around to reading her terrorism report for months?
Didja ever notice that when we had Osama bin-Laden surrounded, instead of going in and capturing him, we subbed out the job to Afghan warlords?
Didja ever notice that we never found any WMD's in Iraq? Why is that? That bothers me.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick....
Didja ever notice that I criticize a decorated war hero and send kids off to die but I was too cowardly to fight in Vietnam?
Didja ever notice that this is the first administration since Herbert Hoover to preside over a net loss of jobs?

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
At Abu Ghraib, American soldiers sicced dogs on Iraqi prisoners.
You must become a terrorist!
The prisoners weren't terrorists.
Organize cells! Kill millions of innocent Americans!
They are now.
Allah Akhbar!

Showing page 4.

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