All comics by TomCerveaux

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by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
I went and saw this play last night...
Yeah....
It was called "Pounding Nails Into The Floor With My Forehead". I liked the themes in it.
You think so....?
Don't you think the title might just be a metaphor for something else?

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
After indulging in his favorite fiction, Cthulhu seeks out his pal Satan to share his favorite parts.
I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur!
Not again...
I weild the Broken Blade, forged anew, Anduril! The sword of legend and ancient song is forged anew!
*sigh*
I am known as Elf Stone, Dunadain, and Strider-
How many times have I told you not to read outside your mythos?

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
Yo Skip, it looks like this is it.
Yup. After all of these years, we are going to die in a plane crash.
I'm too young to die! I had so much left to accomplish!
Totally dude! We've left so much undone!
So, what shall our last ctions in this existence be?
I managed to hide some acid in one of my socks, and don't you have a couple of bottles of Robitussin in your carry on?

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
In order to complete his background reading Cthulhu rereads "The Hobbit".
So, after they Gandalf showed up and distracted the trolls, Thorin son of Thrain Oakenshield and his band of Dwarves plundered the trolls hide out.
Satan warned me about this.
And they find two swords, of fine craftsmanship. Gandalf examines them, and pronounces them to be of Elven make. They are two mighty swords, Orcrist, and Glamdring!
This is worse than he said!
Orcrist, which Thorin kept, is an elvish name, which, roughly translated, means "Orc Smasher". Glamdring, which Gandalf kept, is called in elvish "Foe Hammer". These were such famous blades-
Shut the fuckUP!

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
...Okay, so the Lich is casting "Flaming Wrath of Gilbraxnar" on your paladin. I think Sir Spastic El Sidney is done for, dude.
Ha! Sir Spastic El Sidney has the legendary armour of Asbestor (+3 heat resistance)!
Hmmmm. Let me consult the rulebook about that... I'm afraid that your armor only affords protection against sub nuclear heate, and "Flaming Wrath of Gilbraxnar" is a level nine fusion spell.
Hmmm...my character is a dwarf, so he has a preternatural resistance to heat, I think.
True, but even dwarves can't withstand a heat equivalent to, and I quote, "...the blistering fury of a thousand suns." I'm pretty sure it over, man. Let it go.
I get a save throw versus extreme heat though, right? I can't believe this. I spent three days making this guy. I hate you.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
Having driven all of his friends away with his ceaseless discourse on Lord of the Rings, Cthulhu seeks a new companion.
Nobody wants to hear about Tolkien! This is ridiculous! There has to be somebody who loves Middle Earth as much as I do...
Wait, isn't Cerveaux way into Middle Earth? I think he knows Elvish or something.
What's up, Old One?
I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur!
I bear the sword Anduril, the Broken Blade, forged anew as Foretold in legend and ancient song!

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
Hey Cthulhu, who is your favorite fiction writer?
Tolkien. Definitely Tolkien. The man is a storyteller of unparalelled skill and scope.
What about you? If you don't say Tolkien, I don't think we can be friends anymore.
Hmmm....that's a tough one.
But I think I am going to have to go with Lovecraft.
*blushes* Awww, shucks.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
Cthulhu's friends gather in concern for the Old One.
Dude, I'm worried about Cthulhu.
No shit, man. Ever since he started hanging out with Cerveaux, he's been hittin' the Robitussin pretty hard.
Yeah, and Cerveaux keeps encouraging him to read the Lord of the Rings, over and over!
For real. I think Cerveaux is a bad influence on Cthulhu.
Are you serious? Cthulhu won't hang out with you anymore?
Yeah, man, he says his friends think I'm a "negative role model" or something. Is the Rite-Aid still open...?

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
So, did you want to eat mushrooms this weekend, or do acid?
Hmm, tough choice.
Or, I know somebody who can get us some Ecstacy, but I think it would be pricey.
Let's just stick to the acid.
And the mushrooms.
You'll bring the Robitussin, right?

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
So don't tell anyone that I hung out with you this weekend, okay Cerveaux?
Sure thing man, no sweat. What did you want to do this weekend?
I don't know. You wanna go to Rite-Aid and get some Robitussin for me? They won't let me in there, since I devoured their pharmacist's soul.
Robo again? I was hoping that you would show me how to eat the living essence of other humans tonight.
Do you think we might be able to arrange a little, you know, quid pro quo?
Your on!

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
I am sort of curious, Cerveaux, is that green fellow with all the tentacles around his mouth Cthulhu, by any chance?
I promised not to say.
Dude, don't be ridiculous. If you don't think I know Cthulhu when I see him, you are a total jackass.
But I said I wouldn't tell. Besides, Crow, what do you care?
Your not jealous, are you?
Just promise me you haven't slept with him, and we can still go out.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
After Fistandantalus casts "Word of Death" on you, you have one turn to live. ...Okay, so what does your character do?
Hmmm...how many spells can I cast this turn?
...Um, you're a level nine spell caster, right? Do you have any enchanted items that give you bonus modifiers or target number modifiers?
Well, last week Cthulhu gave me his phone number, and said if my character was in trouble to ring him up.
*Incidentally, Cthulhu has 9875 hit points, while the Dungeon Master has about 3.
DOESN'T HE GET A SAVE THROW?
*gulp* Sure thing, sir. And I bet he'll make it too.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
Dude I don't think I can be your friend any more, 'till you quit hangin' out with Cthulhu.
Oh, Pip, didn't I tell you? Me and Cthulhu broke up.
Oh, good Cthulhu kind of gave me the creeps.
Really?
Is it the tentacle ringed maw, the insatiable appetite for human life, or the huge leathery wings that turn you off?
None of those really, he just always left my toilet seat up.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
So, what did you want to do this weekend, Crow?
Oh, what is that supposed to mean!? You want to do drugs!? With me? Are you calling me a druggie!?
No man, nobody said anything about drugs, settle down.
Sorry dude. I just feel like we've been doing a lot of drugs lately. I guess I'm just a bit on edge about it.
Got Robo?
Ummm...Rite-Aid is still open right?
Totally, dude.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
So I heard Crow was all bent out of shape about the drugs we've been doing lately...
Yeah, I'm sort of worried about him.
Me too. We should get him a present, to get his mind off of things.
Good thinking!
...so Cerveaux and I got you this present!
An eighth!?.......Thanks man, you shouldn't have!

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
I wonder what Skip is up to?
I wonder what Crow is doing right now?
I wonder if I could go over to his place and play Counter-Strike on his DSL...
Maybe if I called Crow up, he would come over and get baked with me...
Skip's plans mature.
Weren't you going to play Counter-Strike, or something?
What was that? I couldn't hear you, I was hitting the bong.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
...Alright, It looks like your attempt to cast "Transmogrify Level Ten: Chicken" failed. I don't think you had enough Force Points left from the battle, dude.
WHAT!? No way! I could cast that fucking spell with my eyes closed!
Sorry dude, it's the rules. When you spend more than fifteen Force Points within a period of 15 rounds, any spell attempt above level four is subject to a fifty percent chance of failure.
Force Points or not, dude, I'm telling you that I could cast that fucking spell in my sleep. And I'll fucking prove it, too!
You are such a fucking dick. You can't play in my campaign anymore asshole, not until you turn me back.
Thats not fair! "Anthropomorphize: Revert Form" is a Cleric spell, and I'm just a regular Spell caster! Now I'll never get the Staff of Nihil and the Azkar's Tome!

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
Ummmm...Jesus? I was wondering if it was inhumane of me to use this chain link saddle on my horse?
No, my son, for a horse is just a soulless beast, with no capacity for pain! Be not alarmed!
Hey, Mr. Jesus? I want to use my Charmanderâ„¢'s "Flaming Tail" attack, but I am nagged by a feeling that his "Spit Plasma" attack would be a better strategic decision. What should I do?
My son, The Charmanderâ„¢ "Flaming Tale" attack is the wise man's maneuvre. But beware! For if this leaves you prone to the "Slumberdust" counter attack of the Snorlaxxâ„¢, great will be your sorr
Yo, Jesus, Can you tell me if these Extacy pills I got last night are good? I mean, are they all speedy, or are they pretty pure?
*grunt*I have purged the demon "Methamphetamine" from your Pill! Your pill has been purified.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-13-01
Okay, Okay, it's NOT getting drunk. And its a unique psychadelic experience. I'm telling you, Cerveaux, that goop tastes like SHIT!
Hah! What's the matter, cough syrup too nasty for the Lord of the Flaming Black Pits of Eternal Torment!?
How dare you speak to me so! I have drunk whole LAKES of molten magma, so don't you call me names because I can't stand Robitussin!
Oh yeah? Get your fucking tail out from between your legs, you pussy!
I can drink 8 oz. in one draught! In single nights, I have consumed over 20 oz. of Robitussin in ONE NIGHT! I have had 9 bottles in ONE WEEKEND!
*Vomit*Bleachgh!

 

by TomCerveaux
12-21-01
Well Mr. Christ, your resume certainly is impressive, and you have been seem to be just sort of person we we like around here at Rapture Corp.
Pending the completion of these last few questions, we'd like to offer you a position here, Jesus.
Okay, shoot.
Right then. First of all, don't have any bodypiercings that might interfere with your job here, do you?
God Damnit!

 

by TomCerveaux
12-22-01
Hey, Cerveaux! Guess what I just learned! Herpes and Cold Sores are both caused by the same virus!
That explains a few things...
While dodging Crow's question, Cerveaux calls the nurse at the local Middle school.
Like what?
Hi, Nurse Schwarze?
Nevermind why! All I can tell you is to stock up on your Blistex, because in a few weeks, lip balm will be in high demand among seventh grade girls soon.
I can't believe you.

 

by TomCerveaux
12-28-01
Okay, so who would you rather spend a romantic evening alone with? Liv Tyler as Arwen in the new Lord of the Rings movie, or Carrie Fisher as Lea in Star Wars?
Hmmm....Thats a close one.
I know, dude, its a tough choice. I think I would go with Liv Tyler.
Hmmmm.....
I guess it doesn't really matter to me. I'll have all the time I want with both of them as soon as they die.
You lucky bastard!

 

by TomCerveaux
2-01-02
Ahem. Ummm, as you well know, I am a regular guest in Cerveaux's strip here.
I just wanted you kids at home to know that I DON"T stand by the sick humour in these things. No matter how well written.
Can it, Jesus. You know it pays the bills, so don't gripe. Got it? Now get back to work!
Sigh. Yes sir.

 

by TomCerveaux
2-01-02
This whole "Eat a fetus for Jesus" thing is getting old.
Are you getting touchy? Have you ACTUALLY been offended by something?
No way, man. But still...don't you think it's a bit over the line?
Why don't you go ask Jesus what HE thinks, instead of bitching about it to ME?
Ummmm, Jesus? I am sort of having a moral dilemma.
Mmm. Hang on. My mouth is full...Could you pass me that glass of Afterbirth?

 

by TomCerveaux
2-01-02
So. In light of your, er...Situation, we have decided to waive the Body Piercing requirement.
Sweet. I really needed this job.
And now we come to the final portion of the interview.
Hit me.
The Physical Aptitude test!
FATHER!! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!!!!!!!

 

by TomCerveaux
2-07-02
Yo Satan, what's up? Don't you think it's about time we let Cthulhu hang out with us again?
I don't know...
He hasn't hung out with Cerveaux in months, and he's cut back his Robitussin intake to less than a bottle a day.
That's true. But why are you so keen on getting Cthulhu back with us all of a sudden? He gave you head didn't he!
How'd you know!? Whatever. How could I say no, what with all those tentacles.
Yeah, I guess I have always wondered about that...

 

by TomCerveaux
2-07-02
Yo, Cerveaux. Don
He hasn't hung out with Cerveaux in months, and he's got his Robitussin intake up to a bottle a day.
That's true. But why are you so keen on getting Cthulhu back with us all of a sudden? He gave you head didn't he!
How'd you know!? Whatever. How could I say no, what with all those tentacles.
I have always wondered about that...

 

by TomCerveaux
2-10-02
The Lies Begin.
Yeah, so, It's actually a super-advanced boron-cooled microchip, that allows my yo-yo to do all these tricks...
Wow, that's amazing!
And Ensue.
..this is the 300 Dollar flagship model. I had to get a new one after I blew the processor on my last one, while I was trying to overclock it.
Totally, man I read about that shit. Yeah, that's hella tight, dawg!
The truth.
Fuckheads.
They're all fuckheads.

 

by TomCerveaux
2-20-02
Grrrzzle snerk fispal sssack! Ribbit!
Baby, you're drunk, aren't you!
Daaah yr pleitny ccop fr meirm other! Ribbit!
Aaaahhahahaha! You're totally plastered, aren't you. This is great!
To be continued...
So apparently, last night Michelle drank like a 1/5 of rum in like half an hour or something.
Half an hour eh? I'm not much of a drinker but that seems pretty impressive...say, that gives me an Idea...

 

by TomCerveaux
2-20-02
So that cable network bought Cerveaux's new Idea for a game show.
Shit. I guess that means I do owe him 20 bucks. I bet him he couldn't do it. I figured nobody in their right mind would go for anything he cooked up.
I didn't even ask about his idea, I was so sure it would be unmarketable. What's the deal?
Well, you see, it's called "Rum Chugger"
To Be Continued...
Stop right there, That's all I need to hear.
No, it gets worse. Apparrently, it begins where everyone has to down a fifth of rum in a half an hour, with just a shot glass and a gallon of water to help them...

 

by TomCerveaux
2-20-02
Welcome To RUM-CHUGGER, the only drink till you drop game show on television!! Coming to you his week, at the Baltic Room, live from Seattle, Washington!
I AM DEATH. I HAVE NEVER LOST A CONTEST OF ANY SORT, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. MY VICTORY IS CERTAIN
I been drankin' since I was no more the a plus sign on my mammy's preg-ninn-see test. I isn't never been drinked under a table.
Contestants have a half hour, a 1/5 of rum, and a shot glass. Once that 30 minutes is gone, that rum had better be gone too!
I am an artiste! I drink! That is what I do, usually even more than make art. I am certainly better at drinking, so why not?
These kids don't know what they're up against. I have never lost a dare, and I will do ANYTHING for the right price. I not only paid myself to be here, but Skip dared me.
This is sick. This is sick. Cerveaux is such a maniac. I can't believe this. This is so fucking sick.
Okay! Cerveaux has finished his rum first, and he's actually HELPING the other contestants! All done, with 7 minutes to spare! Now, they pile into our Limo, to go to our American Gladiators set!

 

by TomCerveaux
2-20-02
Last week's returning Champion, Cerveaux, faces 3 new challengers...Michelle...
I am unstoppable! I am a force!
I'm *hic* already drunk.
...and Jesus...and Satan! Okay, let's drink! The winner is the last one conscious!
Who can beat the son of god? I will turn the Rum to water, and drink as much as I want!
Who indeed can defeat the mighty Jesus? Satan can! I'm more powerful, AND better looking. You are doomed, fools!
To be continued...next one's the last, I promise!!
Holy shit, Skip, listen to this! Satan went to the hospital with alcohol poisoning, and Jesus didn't realize he could only change wine to water, not rum! It's just Michelle and Cerveaux!
After 2 hours, both Cerveaux and Michelle are still standing! That means it's time for the Super Lightning Sudden Death Round! Stay tuned!

 

by TomCerveaux
2-20-02
Welcome back to Rum Chugger! Cerveaux and Michelle will now each take a double shot of Bacardi 151â„¢ every minute, for an hour, or until someone bites it!
Gib id ub, Cerbeaux. Yoo cn't neber owd drnk me.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
60 minutes and 60 shots later, Cerveaux and Michelle are both still standing! Now for Lighting Sudden Death Round 2: The VOMITRON!!!
Say, you look just like me!
Drool...Drool...Drool...
After Cerveaux drank Death under the table, I didn't think you stood a chance. But I'm so proud of you! I can still only barely believe you beat that sick fuck.
*hic* That was a week ago, and I think you could *hic* still get drunk off of my Piss.

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