All comics by seattlesque

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by seattlesque
8-03-04
Man, this music is so slow and meandering. What gives?
This is a goth club.
I know! That's why the DJ should be spinning something off Duran Duran's latest album!
Duran Duran's "latest"?
Later, in Hell.
Damn. It says "2004", and they *are* playing it here. He won BOTH bets! How could he know they were undead?
By the way, I'm Wang Chung, and I pretty much run the place these days.

 

by seattlesque
8-04-04
A man...
Pumleasa lemma dahya!
I've already seen this one. It's not funny.
...a plan...
Ayah nowanna leevah!!
In the last frame, he yells out some gibberish.
...a hammer...
Remmaha nalpa nama!!!
Who wants to see a suicidal pallid drone, anyway?

 

by seattlesque
8-04-04
What do you mean more proof will be needed for them to see that I am the LORD their GOD?
Gonna have to hand it to you LORD, being able to turn my staff into a snake is definite cool points.
And turning your hand pale when you stick it in your cloak, that shows off the awesome power of the LORD, right?
Well, actually, LORD...it's a little lame. Maybe if women could become...highly aroused when they saw my hand? That would be better proof!
** Translation uncertain
What do you think a burning bush** can do about that?
Well...

 

by seattlesque
8-05-04
Hey, I got your note on the personals. Sorry it's been a while, but I figured I'd just keep tabs for a while before replying.
That was over a YEAR ago. Before I was put in mental hospitals, jail, and forced on medication.
I know. I read about that on your blog.
Wait. So you wanted to be absolutely SURE I was an internet psychopath before writing?
Glaxo-Smithkline Personals: "The only way a man is going to get a reply to his ad on the internet."(tm)
Yes, I needed to be certain. I need someone exactly like you for a clinical trial.
The girl from Pfizer had a pierced tongue. What's your offer?

 

by seattlesque
8-05-04
Time Coordinates: 2000 A.D.
corporate greed. general malice. bacon bits.
I am confident that by sending this unappealing overweight amoral robot into the future, humans will see clearly the potential of their worst attributes.
Space Coordinates: Human government headquarters
After seeing what a Dick he is, they will then think twice before disturbing our sacred burial pits!
The burial pits are saved. Any other problems for me to solve?
My skin has been too oily lately, and I think I need more exposure to the sun.

 

by seattlesque
8-05-04
The white room is a scary place...
That's the sixth bowl of shredded wheat I've eaten today.
What was it they said in school? Something about shredded wheat, and eating it?! AESW? BESW? No, no, it was NESW!
...of spontaneous reality creation...
That's N, for NEVER! Now I remember, the lesson was on giving us DIRECTIONS! I must dispose of it all before I eat another bowl!
Whew, all the shredded wheat is gone now, scattered to the four winds. I'm now saved! Unless...
...so bring your checkbook.
...unless the "directions" are a LIE, intended to usurp my power, and only by disobeying them may I liveth forever!
I MUST BUY ALL THE SHREDDED WHEAT IN THIS STORE!

 

by seattlesque
8-09-04
I was so glad to hear you finally got out of the mental hospital!
Thanks...
You look good!
I didn't go ugly. I went crazy.

 

by seattlesque
8-12-04
The Bipolar Support Group Meeting
Well, I guess it's about time we got this show started!!!
...but...it's a half hour early.
That's O.K. All the manics are already here, and the depressives aren't going to make it in anyway.
We need to design a scheduling system which compensates for an individual's disabilities to enforce a reliable concept of time.
He's right! Add it to the agenda, between solving the Riemann problem and buying new wardrobes for everyone!

 

by seattlesque
8-26-04
So doctor, ummm...I have this friend, and he has a problem. I was wondering if I could talk to you about it.
A "friend" eh. Ok, but make it quick.
He's been acting strangely, and talking about himself in the third person a lot. I think he might have multiple personality disorder.
It could also be schizophrenia, is your "friend's" problem accompanied by hallucinations or conspiracy theories of any sort?
Um, that depends. Has the power elite been taken over by reptilian aliens who use mind control to turn us into slaves who talk about nothing but video games?
NOTE TO SELF: Pull ID out of wallet. If it says "Gabe", consider taking the pills instead of giving them to this guy.

 

by seattlesque
8-26-04
Just my luck... to get involved with a girl I can't get regular sex from.
So she's in a wheelchair and has a ham sandwich instead of a vagina, or what?
Yes ladies and gentleman...from IM to Stripcreator in Internet Time!
She lives in another state. I can't get sex on a *regular basis*.
Oh. I thought we were talking about *your* luck.

 

by seattlesque
8-26-04
[Door slams]
Um... so as I remarked earlier, these photon torpedos will never be able to escape their tractor beams, captain!
CUT! Okay, thanks. Next audition.
[Suspense-building music plays]
Ha! Ha!
Not bad... but let's see how well he holds up to the pressure of facing RIGHT...
[Uptempo music starts]
Forsooth, my love... this turbulence shalt not send thee rotating in thine grave without intervention!
Hmmm... I think we can work with this.

 

by seattlesque
8-26-04

 

by seattlesque
9-02-04
...and so I said to myself...
Holy crap, self! What are you going to do now?
You mean "post-manic snowball and having to sort through the shattered pieces of a former life"?
Yes self. That's exactly what I was referring to.
Hell, don't ask me. I thought you had that part covered.

 

by seattlesque
9-03-04
I am the ghost of non-denominational holidays future! I've come to tell you about the horrible things that happen if you don't follow my advice!
...not again...
HEY!!! Doesn't this vision of an unearthly transcendent being issuing dire prophecies trouble you?
LOOK. The last time I listened to you guys they beat the shit out of me in the hospital. Now I'm a schizoaffective wreck. So scram.
Oh, come off it. Can't I possess your body and run around Rite-Aid throwing Cheetos on people? For old time's sake?
Please tell me two charcoal grills will be sufficient.

 

by seattlesque
9-04-04
I don't see why you would do it. Do you really want to become just another statistic?
But... no matter what you do, it counts in the statistics!
Fine, suit yourself. Drive a nail through your skull...just like you do in over 30% of the panels in this strip.
Never question small Asian girls when it comes to math.

 

by seattlesque
9-06-04
Day One: The Five Planes of Reality
First, there's the physical plane...which we occupy right now. Then there's the blue plane which is where all mental activities occur.
I can't believe I got suckered into this new age course. When they go into specifics, that's where you *know* it's a pile of dooky.
The red plane is the emotional realm, where our feelings emerge. Next, there's the plane of infinite sausage, and finally, there's Fred.
That does it. Screw your seminar, I'm not listening to this crap any longer.
I'm back! Where should I put this batch of sausage?
I can't think about that right now, Fred. I'm severely hurt and upset by what that man said to me.

 

by seattlesque
9-09-04
Hi there.
What's on sauce, deep dish?
I thought you weren't going to take that course on improvisational slang. Weren't you too busy with the new job at Pizza Hut?
C'mon, doughboy. You should know I'm the kind of guy who can cut more than one pepperoni at a time!
Let me get this straight. So *all* your slang is pizza related?
The way I've come to look at it, a C- is just a pie and a slice.

 

by seattlesque
9-10-04
It was hard for me to come here. I mean, if you have a phobia of psychiatrists, who do you see for that?
Why do you think you have a phobia of psychiatrists?
Because they're basically making mechanical judgments and risking my last shred of sanity using psychoactive drugs they don't understand.
Tell me more about your mother.
Your skin just melted off, validating my fear that I'm paying $200/hr to talk to a robot.
These pills have been shown to reduce financial anxiety in rabbits. Side effects include rainbows and spontaneous combustion.

 

by seattlesque
9-15-04
Seattlesque: your insanity-themed comics are sad, not funny. I hope your laptop battery dies so you can't make more. Sincerely, Everyone
Shall I take it to the machine?
I'll have you know that I've engineered a device which allows me to turn hate mail to electricity, so I can make MORE comics! Take THAT!
On second thought, how can this even work? Some sort of combustion process, but...it's e-mail!!!
Power's out again. Perhaps writing "Quantum Current Transformer" on a ketchup bottle isn't as effective as the dream suggested...
I knew you were insane all along. Really, I did.

 

by seattlesque
9-15-04
...then, after drinking significant quantities of stout beer, he had sex with ten women.
He did? That is SO gay.
...so they spent ten years perfecting their research, and produced a device that used antigravity waves to send photons back in time.
They spent ten years on physics research? Boy, what a bunch of retards.
...so she drank the poison and shot herself, causing her to fall off the bridge and hang herself underwater.
Oh c'mon, suicide is so gutless and cowardly.

 

by seattlesque
9-15-04
Day Two: Vibrational Frequencies
When we talk about raising our vibrational frequency, it's very much like channels on a TV.
You're watching Channel 4...and this is NBC's Dateline.
When you raise your frequency, you take out the baser elements of physical existence and move to resonances of purer thought!
Next on WB 22, Pig gets frisky on an all new episode of "Three Nudists and a Pig".
Errr... the TV thing is an analogy. It's not perfect. But you get the idea, right?
Channel 3 is static unless I put in a DVD. Are you going to teach us to vibrate on Channel 3 with "Girls Gone Wild: Volume IV"?

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
Zeke and Lenny introduce the concept behind the 3-Can Gourmet
Every night we'll be cooking up a special dish using our daily allocation from the food drive. That's right, 3 *random* cans.
Tonight's episode is Tuna Corn Sauerkraut surprise!
What's the surprise? All three ingredients are in the name of the dish.
Actually, one of the cans is Tuna Corn Sauerkraut--the label looks like it's written in Korean. The other two cans are both cranberry sauce.
Oh. I thought maybe the cans were dented, and the surprise is that we might get botulism.
That too.

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
We Join the 3-Can Gourmet, already in progress.
...and that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how English Peas become English Peas au Saur-Cran.
Zeke, I can't help but notice that at least one, and probably two of our cans from the Food Bank are always Cranberry Sauce or Sauerkraut.
It's probably because people just toss their unused cans out of their pantry to give the illusion of charity.
No, no. More likely, the donors are concerned that the underprivileged get something from every part of the Food Pyramid.
I worked at Food Pyramid before I was laid off. Sauerkraut and Cranberry Sauce are both on the same aisle.
Oh...right...next to the Cocktail Onions. So much for my theory.

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
The 3-Can Gourmet has a Special Guest
Lenny can't be here tonight, he's got botulism again. So filling in for him will be his ex-girlfriend, Jamalia
It's a pleasure to be co-hosting 3CG. I watch your show all the time.
As an added bonus, I hear Jamalia has brought something from her pantry to add into the mix.
That's right Zeke! May I present to you sixteen ounces of Genuine Hungarian Paprika.
Yes, Paprika...the most useless red powder on the planet. Verily, it is the Cranberry Sauce of spices.
I guess that's why they were throwing it out.

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
We Join the 3-Can Gourmet, already in progress.
...now that the Tomato Paste has been thinned out a little with water, we slowly mix in the chopped Cocktail Onions.
...and while Lenny was preparing the chili base, I was busy browning the Black-Eyed Peas just slightly.
Are you thinking the same thing I am, Lenny?
The Black-Eyed peas have cooked too long, and won't absorb enough of the liquid?
No. This smells actually decent...and I was thinking that we might not throw up this time.
C'mon Zeke, the ratings depend on it. Here, drink some of the Onion vinegar.

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
The 3-Can Gourmet Faces The Inevitable Challenge
We knew it would come to this, Ladies and Gentlemen. Three cans of Cranberry Sauce.
I've already begun frying the slices from the first can, and the second is in the blender for the glaze.
That's old hat. But what about the third can?
I was thinking we could divide it in half, and just make more slices and glaze.
But without the Sauerkraut flourish, it just won't be Scalloped Cran In Cran Sauce with Kraut.
Fortunately, I started my shoelaces soaking in vinegar before the show.

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
Has the 3-Can Gourmet lost its edge?
Lenny, the concept has gotten old. The viewers are getting tired of it. Every week it's Cranberry Sauce and Sauerkraut.
Don't forget Cocktail Onions and botulism.
Whatever. Your show is cancelled. Give me your video equipment, and I want you moved out of the studio ASAP.
Firstly, this is a homeless shelter. Secondly, that's a broken antique camera we put on a tripod made out of tree branches.
Can I at least have a bite of that Chocolate Deviled Ham Chowder?
I think Zeke's throwing up the last of it, sorry.

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
Shower. Panic. Sleep. Panic. Shower. I can't take this anymore.
Why not get a hobby? Ever considered Oil Painting?
I think this is a bigger problem than Oil Painting can solve. My heart is an empty pit and there are demons in my head.
With all that extra help up in your brain, I bet you'd rock at Scrabble. Enter a tournament!
For the love of God! You don't understand the pain... not being able to sleep... or tell the difference between dreams and reality!
This kid has kept me up for five nights straight. Am I offering someone else advice, or am I talking to a mirror?

 

by seattlesque
9-16-04
Day Three: Astral Projection
Today I brought this giant rabbit wearing lingerie to demonstrate the kind of thing I'm talking about with the Astral Plane.
Big Seminar Slushy Pants. McDonalds If.
The visions and words can seem dream-like. But on the Astral plane, these are actual conscious entities trying to outreach to you!
Think Sex for Alan Greenspan and Checkers Maim.
Keep in mind that they might be actively trying to freak you out.
I'll be taking a bite of that carrot in those pockets of yours, big boy.

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
3-Can Gourmet goes windowshopping at the Food Pyramid
Food Pyramid sure has changed a lot since I worked here. It really went upscale!
It sure has!
A Juice Bar, fresh sushi, Wine Tasting. Wow...is that Swiss Chard?
With the holiday Food Drive coming up, I bet we're going to be seeing a step up in our eating!
I'm not so sure. Organic Sauerkraut tastes the same as regular.
True dat. But I hear that Free Range Cranberries have more vitamin-C.

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
Day Four: Student Dreams
I've been doing most of the talking here, so I thought I'd let you guys share a recent dream you've had. How about you, sir?
I dun dreamt I was a flyin'...
...excellent! Flying! And did you use the spinning technique like I suggested to raise your frequency?
Ya didn' lemme finish! I dun dreamt I was a fly in a pile o' dooky. Y'see this dooky was comin' out a yer mouth...
Ahem. All symbolism aside, you still should have tried spinning.
...it jes kep' comin' and comin' an' I sur was a happy fly! I wunder what it meant?

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
3-Can Gourmet faces a setback
I can't believe this!
Sorry. Supplies are having to be rationed. The donations have been less than usual.
How are we supposed to do a show with ONE can of green beans?
I guess our only option is the recipe on the side of the can: "Heat And Serve"
On the bright side, "Three Word Gourmet" has sort of a ring to it.

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
The 3-Can Gourmet Contemplate Change
So it was just a stomach ache, not botulism. That's good news!
Either way, my next meal is NOT coming out of a can. I hate canned food, what a terrible concept.
I've been saving a box of Macaroni and Cheese just for an occasion such as this. It's in storage, let's go fish it out.
Later...
Uh oh. The electricity is out, the water's turned off, and rats have eaten half the pasta and all the cheese powder.
Good grief! This seems like a technical problem science could have solved somehow. Those idiots.

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
We now join the 3-Can Gourmet, already in progress...
Now that we're done with the double boiler, we can check to see how the Beanie Weenie is doing.
...here it is, from the oven, and I have to say it's looking about done. I'll just serve the baked beans on the side, and...
...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! You can't put the Beanie Weenie and the Baked Beans on the same plate! They might mix!
Pray tell, what would be wrong with that?
Don't fuck with the bean-to-weenie ratio, man.
Excuse me, Professor Van De Camp.

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
Captain Ego liked to Play With His Victims
We got's one rule on my ship: whoever loses the game walks the plank!
Captain Sparrow Enjoyed Daring Rescues
I'm surprised ye would show, considering that we who bear the Curse of the Black Pearl cannot be killed!
In Hell, They Reflect Upon Their Errors
...an so I be sayin', "Fisher?! I don't care what his boat's been catchin', the rules is the rules!"
Arrr...I hear ya. I thought I was gonna be duelin' with the Blue Oyster Cult.

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
Good night, Wesley. Good work, sleep well...
...I'll most likely kill you in the morning.
You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.
...in the most likely morning...
Well Mr. Poetic "True Love", I'm no walking thesaurus. But perhaps you're right, and 'kill' isn't exactly the right term.
In France it is called "Le Petit Morte".

 

by seattlesque
9-17-04
The 3-Can Gourmet Considers Selling Out
Lenny! You won't believe this! We just got an offer from the Food Network to carry our show!
Really? We've finally made the Big Time, Zeke! How'd this happen?!
The show's concept has tested phenomenally well with Iron Chef viewers.
I suppose it's no surprise that the Japanese respect our nimble ways of dealing with tight culinary constraints.
Not those viewers. Apparently stoners in San Francisco laugh their asses off at us between bong hits.
Forget that, then. The 3-Can Gourmet is above assaults on our dignity.

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
The 3-Can Gourmet barely averts tragedy.
It's just your wrist that got broken this time, but it could have been a lot worse.
Yes, Zeke, I know.
In the future you need to be more careful. We can't afford insurance.
I'll be making those turns more slowly in the future, I promise.
That can opener has another two good years in it, if handled responsibly.
If only Goodwill offered warranties.

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
After his time in the limelight was up...
Juggle us? Since when are pirates known for *juggling*?
...few potential groupies knew...
Come to think of it, I didn't know there WERE hispanic pirates.
Well, at least you roll your Arrr-s properly.
...the tragic story of Gerardo's battle with ocular cancer.
¡D'ohs!

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
????. ??. ????????. ????????
?!!?!

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
 
Treasure Map Semantic Pitfall #439
Ten pirates!
We're surrounded!
 

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
...the algorithm was a revision of the Monte Carlo method, accelerating the computation of digits in time for the competition finals...
...which is why the judges gave me high marks for roundness. Of course I'd set the oven 50 degrees lower as a precaution for the crust...
Um, sir, I'm afraid the theme of CC258 is *pirate* jokes.
I know.

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
Shiver me Timbers!
Let me remind you that the will said: "Ownership of the forest land will be shared *equally* between my beloved son Mike and Captain Bloodpeg."
Since it be botherin' ye so, I shall be certains ta say "Shiver we Timbers" henceforth!
I just don't want us setting bad legal precedent with ambiguities. So when we discuss this matter I'd rather you drop the pirate slang.
I hate you. You're almost as much of a drag as my mom was, Captain Bloodpeg.
I didn't see you complaining when I took you to Long John Silver's.

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
...he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.
Um, which one is good?
...ahem. That would be the *sheep*.
That's far from obvious.

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
Hand over ye gold, landlubber!
I'm afraid all I have is an Aspire Visa. It's kind of... bluish.
Avast! That be the card fer rebuildin' poor credit... the one with buckets o' fees and the variable APR that sinks no lower than 12.3%! That be robbery!
Look, I got divorced and had a lot of medical bills on top of that. It's all I could get.
Ye should be gettin' at least airline miles, ya scalliwag.
First she expects me to pay, and now I'm being berated. First date and it's like being married again. So much for piratepersonals.com

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
On this ship we be plunderers, yea. We be murderers, yea. But arrr... we shan't be toleratin' insensitivity to the differently abled!
It just slipped out. I say "walk the plank" almost every day. It's practically a reflex.

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
Godzilla II: Carnage In Seattle Domesticated And Working At Starbucks
Arrr!
What?!?!
Free Willy William 4: Dangerous Tide Just Swimming Around In The Ocean, Not Doing Much
ARRR!
Still?!?!
But the Teletubbies movie has NO violence or nudity... and not even a SINGLE swear word!
Arrr!

 

by seattlesque
9-18-04
Godzilla II: Domesticated And Working At Starbucks
Arrr!
What?!?!
Free "William" 4: Just Swimming Around In The Ocean, Not Doing Much
ARRR!
Still?!?!
But the Teletubbies movie has NO violence or nudity... and not even a SINGLE swear word!
Arrr! Again! Arrr!

 

by seattlesque
9-19-04
PURE FILTERED WATER, SWEETENERS (HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYURP, SUGAR)
Arrr... Plunderin' Poppin Lemonade be the first task fer today!
ORANGE AND PINEAPPLE JUICES FROM CONCENTRATE, LESS THAN 0.5% OF EACH: ASCORBIC ACID (VITAMIN C)
Ahoy, mateys! The booty be Blue Watermelon! Grab all ye hands can carry!
CITRIC ACID (PROVIDES TARTNESS), NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, ETHYL MALTOL.
Avast! I shoulda knowed we'd be facin' Torrential Tropical Punch! All hands on deck!
We've been in the supermarket for four hours now. When does the high seas adventure begin?

 

by seattlesque
9-19-04
Pirate Christmas.
Avast! There be an iceberg off the starboard bough!
That's tinsel, you idiot.
Pirate Halloween.
An I be leavin' this human skull ere as a warnin' to anyone who might try to plunder me treasure!
I'm a Jack-o-Lantern, you idiot.
Pirate Secretary's Day.
Aye just want to compliment ye on dictation... I likes how ye underline me "Arrr's" in red. It adds emphasizin'!
That's spellcheck, you idiot.

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