All comics by dueserpenti

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by dueserpenti
11-07-02
Our hero ponders his sorry destiny yet again...
How come I can't relate to people? Is there no one out there willing to love me?
Charles, are you there? it's Chris, the fine 26-year old actor. You know, the one with the Master's degree.
Am I doomed to be a pariah for the rest of my days, cut off from the human family?
I've been calling for a few days, but all I get is your machine. I really want to see you, and I was wondering if you'd like to go out Saturday night.
Sadly, the answer to his question is obvious to everyone but him.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Call me back when you get home, all right? *click*

 

by dueserpenti
11-07-02
Our hero meets a friend of his at the pharmacy.
What are you doing?
Getting some Prozac for Bill. I'm hoping it'll clear up his depression.
You can't do that! Without his angst, he won't be able to write, or paint, or...
...
I see your point.
Only six more weeks of blogs, if we're lucky.

 

by dueserpenti
11-07-02
Excuse me sir, where are all the children?

 

by dueserpenti
11-07-02
While at the playground to pick up his little sister, our hero meets an agent of the War Machine.
Excuse me sir, where are all the children?
We've conscripted them to fight on the front lines in Iraq.
OK...but did you have to take ALL of them?!
It's part of the President's No Child Left Behind Act.
I thought that had to do with education.
It does; where else can you learn to gut a towel-head with a toothbrush?

 

by dueserpenti
11-07-02
Our hero is lost in the throes of inspiration.
Man, I'm on fire tonight. This is the best work I've ever done.
I'm a fucking genius! We're talking Pulitzer Prize material here!
OK, Cockboy17, I've got my hand on your balls, and I'm squeezing...
Do it to me, snakeman19! You know how I like it!

 

by dueserpenti
11-07-02
Our Hero discusses an upcoming opportunity for artistic growth.
Hey, are you going to that writer's retreat next month?
Yeah. I hear James Patterson is going to be there.
I hate James Patterson! His characters are wooden, his dialogue is riddled with cliches, his-
His last book got a $2 million advance from Putnam.
...Is it too late to sign up?
I already forged your signature.

 

by dueserpenti
11-07-02
Our hero encounters a member of that curious race known as the Hippie.
Pardon me...
Fuck the Government! Down with the Man! Fight the Power!
PARDON ME...
Pigs vs. People! Up Against the Wall! Kill Whitey!
WHY ARE YOU YELLING THAT SHIT!?
I'm trying to start a meaningful dialogue.

 

by dueserpenti
11-08-02
Our hero encounters a talking squirrel in the woods.
Hello, Charles. I was wondering if I might have a word with you.
"Finally," he thinks, "my mystical rapport with nature is starting to pay off!"
Impart to me your wisdom, oh messenger of the gods!
Your misguided attempts to improve my quality of life have failed. It's a common human conceit that ingenuity can improve on the provisions of nature, but I'd appreciate it if you quit meddling.
So you're saying I should quit putting out food for you?
Well, keep putting out the barbecued chips, but lay off the salt and vinegar, huh? They give me gas.

 

by dueserpenti
11-08-02
Our Hero explains his feelings of jealousy for an ex-girlfriend.
What's the problem with her dating other guys? It's been eight months, and it's not like you've been celibate the whole time.
Yeah, but it's not the same. I'm the first guy she ever slept with.
It's like the astronauts of Apollo 11. They saw things no other man had seen, been places no other man had been.
The moon belongs to them more truly than to any man on Earth. How do you think they'll feel when some interloper comes, littering on the surface and destroying those first footprints?
Meanwhile, in a Georgia Tech frat house...

 

by dueserpenti
11-08-02
Our hero struggles with the vagaries of his own mind.
So many thoughts, images, concepts, connections...have to wade through them and find one powerful enough to drown out the rest...
Here it comes...a flash of understanding to illuminate the darkness...
YOU'RE my next big idea?
Three words, dad: flavored anal lube.

 

by dueserpenti
11-08-02
Our hero logs on to a chat room to discuss profound social issues.
Hi, thanks for chatting with me. I seldomn get the opportunity to engage in lively and informed debate.
candygirl86: omg did you c th new video 4 drrty???
I haven't, but I'm actually here to talk about the impact of technology on American society.
NIN_IZ_GOD666: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU GOAT RAMMING ASSHOLE?
For instance, the Internet has given everyone an equal voice in the global forum, but is that really a good thing?
Scabrouswhore1: IF YOU WANT TO CYBER TYPE 444

 

by dueserpenti
11-10-02
Our hero encounters a criminal co-conspirator.
Hey, I'm putting together a score. Your cut would be $26,000. Interested?
Are you insane?
We'll probably be arrested and spend the rest of the decade getting raped in prison. Failing that, we still have to launder the money.
Even if everything goes according to plan, I won't be able to spend any of that money without arousing the suspicions of my friends and family. The whole thing is dangerous and pointless.
So you're in, right?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.

 

by dueserpenti
11-10-02
Several months ago, our hero got the scare of his young life.
I think I'm pregnant.
What he said:
Wait until you're sure, then we'll figure out what we're going to do.
What he thought:
Holy Jeez, my mom's gonna kill me.

 

by dueserpenti
11-10-02
Desperate for suitable female companionship, our hero fashions one from his own DNA.
Hi. As you've probably surmised, I created you to be my perfect female counterpart.
Then your narcissism is now severe enough to qualify as a force of nature.
Be that as it may, would you like to have sex with me?
I'd prefer to be completely isolated until the need for human contact compels me to fly into your arms for a few days of emotionless fornication.
Fair enough. Should I call you next month?
Don't bother; I'll be on the computer until it's time for coitus.

 

by dueserpenti
11-10-02
Our hero soon understands the inherent difficulties of a romantic relationship with oneself.
You're completely unreceptive to reason. Arguing with you is like talking to a brick wall.
No, that's not quite right...
Still, at least they understand each other.
It's like eating out the pussy on a vinyl love-doll.
Le mot juste. Will you bear my children?

 

by dueserpenti
11-12-02
Our Hero decides to cut his mate loose.
I think we should break up.
Why? Didn't I give you enough? I can do more, I swear!
I never thought I'd say this, but your constant need for validation is more than I can handle.
Will I ever see you again?
For what it's worth.
Of course. When I say "break up", what I mean is that we'll still spend most of our time together and cap it off with sex.
Will I still be able to spend money on you?

 

by dueserpenti
11-12-02
Following a tragic bacon-frying mishap, our hero finds himself in the afterlife.
Where am I?
This is Writer's Heaven, Charles. All great writers come here when they die. You can enter as soon as I finish your background check.
Sweet! I wonder if Harlan Ellison's here yet.
Hmm...Charles, can you tell me how much you made on that piece for Buttime Stories?
Sadly, his good works haven't erased the stain of a checkered past.
Twenty bucks and a dozen contributor's copies. Why?
No reason. I hope you enjoy Writer's Hell.

 

by dueserpenti
11-12-02
Our hero is sent to Writer's Hell, where bad writers languish for eternity.
Welcome to Writer's Hell! I'm Jacqueline Susann.
Geez, she looks different without all that makeup.
Since you became a good writer later in your career, your first project is going to be easy.
I hope it's not a sequel to "Every Night, Josephine"...
Chicken Soup for the Teenage Christian's Soul! Mwah ha ha!
All my nightmares have come true.

 

by dueserpenti
11-12-02
After being resuscitated on the operating table, our hero decides to bury the hatchet with God.
Tell me again why we're going to Mass.
I'm just hedging my bets. After this we're going straight to the nearest mosque.
And let us remember how the Lord said, "Suffer the little children to come unto Me..."
His hardon got really spectacular around "...and a little child shall lead them."
Count yourself lucky; I was close enough to see his cock ring.

 

by dueserpenti
11-19-02
Our hero is getting into the Christmas spirit.
What's this I heard about you running a Christmas scam?
It's not a scam; I'm doing a charity drive for a children's hospital.
Oh. I'm sorry; I assumed you were doing it for personal gain.
I am. State law only requires me to give up five percent; I'm going to keep the rest and write it off as operating expenses.
Kind of.
...Good deal, but how are you going to get the stains out of your soul?
My friend from The Red Cross is going to teach me.

 

by dueserpenti
11-22-02
Hey buddy, could you spare a dollar for a homeless kid?
Homeless my ass! Do you think I'd buy that when you're wearing ninety dollar designer jeans? Get out of here before I call the cops.
How sickening.
I wonder how many poor suckers get taken by guys like that.
More than you'd think.
Hello sir, could I persuade you to part with a little of your hard-earned money for the sake of needy children?
You had me at "hello".

 

by dueserpenti
11-25-02
Our hero sees an old flame at the supermarket, only to learn a shocking secret...
Hey, how've you been? I've been trying to call you, see if you might be intrerested in rekindling the romantic fires...
Hey, cut it out, my girlfriend doesn't know you're kidding.
He's pretending to be straight!
Somebody's kidding themselves all right, but it ain't me...
Here's my number. Call me if you ever want to...uh...watch Nascar or something.
The charade limps on.
How come you gave him a goodbye kiss? You never kiss me like that.
Um...it's an Italian thing. Fuhgeddaboudit.

 

by dueserpenti
11-30-02
What? I must be hallucinating.
Yup. Happens when you don't sleep for three or four days. What the hell's your problem?
I have to come up with witty comic strips, or everyone will think I'm dumb.
You got it all wrong, kid; smart people are SUPPOSED to be humorless and dull.
So I'm all right?
You're Isaac fuckin' Newton.

 

by dueserpenti
12-01-02
Our hero asks a friend to critique his new novel.
It's still early, so I'll overlook the obvious cliches.
Which ones?
The "Hooker with a Heart of Gold" is my biggest gripe.
Hey, it's cliched because it's common. You know I've got experience in the field, and I can tell you that many hookers do indeed have hearts of gold.
A good writer does his homework.
How many of the hookers you worked with had hearts of gold?
I can't speak for all the ones I worked with, but it was pretty regular among the ones I vivisected.

 

by dueserpenti
12-04-02
You know how they say the grocery store is a good place to meet women?
Sugar cane, huh? I love sugar cane. Sucking the sweet pulp, letting the juices run down your chin...
I wish the Mexican laborer who picked it could hear this.
It's true!
Mangoes are easy to slice if you know the secret. Buy a mango sometime and I'll show you.
I wonder what she'd say if I complemented her on her firm cantaloupes.
Sort of.
I like fruit, 'cause I like it sweet...
I'm DEFINITELY not telling her about the two-for-one sale on zucchini.

 

by dueserpenti
12-04-02
The revision process continues.
The dialogue is just too on-the-nose. In real life, people don't explain everything this way. Honest conversation is oblique.
My problem is that, in the beginning, I saw dialogue as merely a vehicle to advance the story.
Our hero's turn-ons include brilliant, eerily perceptive men.
I can't believe you wrote that line at the end of Chapter 18. Delete that shit right the hell now.
I know! That one definitely goes in the "What the Fuck Was I Thinking?" category.
Of course, that would present problems of its own.
That bit with the nipple-teasing was solid gold, but the eye contact ruined it for me.
Too derivative, right? I'll cop to that, but what did you think of the leather underwear?

 

by dueserpenti
12-06-02
Our Hero tries to convince a friend to double-date with him.
Dude, I need you and Lindsay to double up with me when I go out with the supermarket chick on Saturday.
Can't do it; I'll be too busy having freaky sex with my underage girlfriend.
I'll need backup in case she turns out to be crazy.
Why do you assume everyone you go out with is going to be crazy?
Jason, Will, Sarah, Jaime, Christine, Bevin, Arielle...
You're right. I'll bring the net and the tranquilizer gun.

 

by dueserpenti
12-15-02
Our hero tries to explain his sexual preference.
You're bisexual, right?
I prefer to think of myself as PANsexual.
Pansexual? You'll fuck everything?
Yes, but PAN is an acronym for my seduction strategy.
"Preference" might be too strong a word...
Which is...?
Plead And Negotiate.

 

by dueserpenti
12-15-02
Our hero waxes nostalgic.
I can't believe we'll never see the old-school Transformers again.
Yeah, just because Megatron turns into a gun. Fucking PC Nazis are tearing down my childhood.
Maybe it's all for the best; those cartoons DID warp us a little bit.
You're full of shit. Those cartoons taught valuable life lessons.
Remember the time you were about to get laid until you screamed, "Thundercats, hoooo!"?
What's the big deal? All she had to do was hum the theme song.

 

by dueserpenti
12-21-02
Our hero's burning curiosity is satisfied...
What are you so giddy about?
I have a bigger cock than Brad Pitt! I'm the man!
So? He's still rich and famous and pretty.
Dude, a lot's changed in the last three million years, but penis size is still the yardstick of superiority.
And so is Jack's.
That explains why you always whip it out at job interviews.
Hey, it got me into TASP.

 

by dueserpenti
12-22-02
Our hero gets a visit from his Muse.
Why aren't you working?
No more rewriting, OK? Let's leave it alone.
C'mon, only seventeen more chapters to go.
I'd rather lick a wino's bleeding asshole.
I can arrange that.
Truman Capote's dream, and my nightmare.

 

by dueserpenti
12-26-02
Our hero decides to rob the local bank.
Can I help you?
Gimme all the money in the till.
Here you go, sweetie. Are you sure you can carry all that?
I'll be fine; I live just up the street.
Bank robbery should be left to people with better balance and motor control.
Are you OK?
I'll let bygones be bygones if you call an ambulance.

 

by dueserpenti
12-26-02
In search of answers, our hero communes with God.
Hey JC, how's it hanging?
Oh, that's a fucking riot. What do you want?
I was wondering why the $315 million Powerball jackpot went to a millionaire.
Kind of a joke. Here's another one: why do bad things happen to good people?
Eventually he remembers why he stopped doing it in the first place.
I don't know.
Because I said so, that's why! Bwahahahahahhahahahaha!

 

by dueserpenti
12-29-02
Our hero sits down at the poker tables once again...
I bet the limit.
You're bluffing.
No.
You want me to think that you think that I think you're bluffing. No dice, slick! You have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on R.F. Migillicutty. I'll call.
Flush, queen high.
You made me think that I thought you were bluffing! I knew it!

 

by dueserpenti
1-03-03
Our hero learns of fantastic advances in rehab technology.
Jesus Bill, I didn't recognize you without your hideous shambling gait.
Yeah, I've got this new pump that shoots Baclofen into my spine. It really does the trick.
Did it hurt?
Yeah, but you can put other things in the pump, too. I chucked some morphine in there about an hour ago.
Hmm...What else have you put in there?
You know those Slim-Fast shakes? I don't even need to eat anymore.

 

by dueserpenti
1-04-03
Sometimes the people in our hero's life get dissatisfied with how they're portrayed on Stripcreator.
Listen, I wanted to talk you about the sprites you're using in your strips. When you switch them around, you sacrifice continuity.
What did you say...Lenny?
What? Oh, now come on, this looks nothing like me.
Neither does this...
Cry me a river!
Now you're just being hateful.
When you bitch about my comics, you sacrifice my giving a shit.

 

by dueserpenti
1-05-03
On Lindsay's eighteenth birthday, our hero initiates her into the mysteries of adulthood.
Tell me again why we're doing this.
It's your eighteenth birthday, so we do this rite of passage to mark your introduction to adult society.
Every culture has some ritual to commemorate the occasion.
Ceremonies like this allow the community to come together and witness your transformation from child to full-flegded citizen.
OK, but why do I have to get lesbian porn? Can't I get straight porn?
I don't presume to question the customs of our people.

 

by dueserpenti
1-06-03
Remember that one Saturday when we were all over at her house, and she'd been on the Bacardi all night...
and then around one o' clock she took out that massive pink dildo and started hitting everyone with it? I could't forget; she almost broke my jaw.
I had a bruise on my thigh the size of a grapefruit. I'm really going to miss her.
Yeah, me too.
To Clara with love, on behalf of all your friends and loved ones, who will never forget you.

 

by dueserpenti
1-10-03
Our hero decides not to further pursue higher education.
I've decided I'm not going to college anymore.
What? You have to go to college!
His mother is devastated.
For Christ's sake, I sat in on a physics lecture the other day and there was a guy trying to blind the professor with a laser pointer. Why would I want to keep trying for that?
You'll never get a good job without a college education.
Who knows why.
Yeah, I can be like Diana and bury myself in student loans to make eight dollars an hour subsitute teaching.
Jobs like that don't just fall out of the sky, you know.

 

by dueserpenti
1-11-03
Our hero chats with a friend.
What did you do last night?
I had a really hot guy's dick in my hand. He's amazingly hot, like sex personified, and I we ended up making out. I might go down on him later.
I had a hot guy's dick in my hand last night, too.
Yeah? How did that work out?
Damn college kids.
I turned off the movie and went to bed.
I was like you, once...

 

by dueserpenti
1-12-03
Man, he really dropped the ball on this one.
No shit.

 

by dueserpenti
1-12-03
Our hero commiserates on the sorrows of celibacy.
Jesus, I haven't been laid in ages. It's killing me.
I feel you on that one.
Consensus: it sucks.
I barely remember what getting pussy was like.
It was dark and warm and first, then bright and very cold.
Still, it could be worse.
I mean BESIDES the birth canal.
Oh. Then I don't know.

 

by dueserpenti
1-12-03
Unbeknownst to most, the gas station is also a good place to meet women.
This might sound forward, but I find you incredibly attractive.
Why do you say that?
You just seem like my type.
Well, what's your type?
Depending on what you're looking for.
The type that shows me her clit ring on the first date.
There's a unisex bathroom around the back if you can't wait that long.

 

by dueserpenti
1-13-03
I could see right off that it wasn't going to be an easy day.
Yes, Doris?
There's a call for you, Wang.
I was glad to have my secrectary Doris around.
I'll get it in a minute. Say doll, hows about you and I run away to Key Largo?
We wouldn't work out, Wang. We tried it once before, remember?
She understood those days, and I loved her for that.
Does it still burn when you pee?
Like pissing razor blades.

 

by dueserpenti
1-13-03
I knew this dame would be trouble the second I laid eyes on her.
Mr. Johnson, you have to help me!
I'm not drawing you another bath; you had one two hours ago.
Her perfume was like Aspercreme and menthol cigarettes.
Somebody stole my gerbil!
Was he covered in Astro-Glide and electrical tape?
Luckily, I figured I could help her.
...No.
Then I haven't seen him.

 

by dueserpenti
1-15-03
Our hero comes up with a great way to make money.
What's this I hear about an auction?
I'm selling the rights to my legal name on Ebay.
Shit, you'll do anything for money, except maybe blow hobos for quarters.
...
Variation on a very old theme.
YOU WOULDN"T BLOW HOBOS, WOULD YOU?!
Those stories of secret hobo treasure are bullshit, right?

 

by dueserpenti
1-19-03
Rudy's Pet Shop catered to a different kind of animal lover.
Yo Rudy, I need a hampster.
I didn't know that was your thing, man.
It's for a client. You hook me up, I see a new pair of leather pumps in your future.
Make 'em faux alligator, and we got a deal. You're all right Wang, you know it?
Does that mean you'll spare me when your people take to the streets in righteous revolt?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, cracker.

 

by dueserpenti
1-22-03
Our hero discovers his girlfriend might be reading the strip.
She's a classy lady, so we're all going to mind our language from now on.
Fuck you, why should I change just because you traded in your balls?
He's going to have to tone it down.
No balls, huh? FEEL THE WRATH OF THE CARDBOARD TUBE SAMURAI, BITCH!
Starting tomorrow.
What the hell's going on here?
He started it, I swear.

 

by dueserpenti
1-24-03
Our hero gets a nibble on his auction!
You're awfully chipper today.
I got a hit on my auction!
What are you changing your name to?
Socialists R. Idiots.
What about "Buyers R. Stupid"?
Which would be "Stating D. Obvious".

 

by dueserpenti
1-25-03
Jesus meets Dismas.
Hey, are you that messiah?
Um, sure. What can I do for you?
That Kingdom of Heaven sounds pretty good. How can I get in?
We're filling up fast. What kind of work do you do?
...and Christianity was born.
I'm a thief.
Then there's DEFINITELY a place for you in my Kingdom.

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