All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
2-18-01
Hey! I reco'nize you! You're Mike D from the Beastie Boys! You guys are great, man! Always rappin' 'bout Burger King 'n shit.
I think you mean White Castle.
Yeah, whatever man. Hey, you kids are an inspiration to other WASPs like myself. If you guys can be famous rappers, then maybe we can too, right?
You know all three of us are Jewish, right?
...are you sure you're Mike D? I'm beginnin' to 'spect you're an imposter!
I think someone here is pretending, alright, but it's not me.

 

by evil_d
2-19-01
Marco!
Look, if you're not gonna help me fix this leak, then just go home, okay?

 

by evil_d
2-22-01
I have it on good authority that wirthling -- or, as I like to refer to him, Amazed Porno Bunny -- was the gunman on the grassy knoll. Not only that, but he was the one who translated Zero Wing, too.
Wirthling? You mean that guy who writes all those comics about Jesus and sodomy? I heard he gets puppies hooked on crack in his spare time. And that he was responsible for Vanilla Ice!
Worse -- NKOTB. And New Coke. But ever since he got out of jail for shoving that old lady in front of a bus, he's been making his living by recruiting people into cults and taking all their money.
That explains how he can afford to finance all those fascist revolutions. Word is, he owns a luxurious mansion with six separate torture chambers. Some say that was where Mother Theresa *really* died.
No kidding. You know, that pedophile voted for Bush, too. He eats veal and dolphin for dinner every night. And he's getting a show on MTV where he'll do nothing but encourage kids to burn themselves.
Oh... well, I guess he can't be all bad, then. I mean, MTV viewers....

 

by evil_d
2-22-01
Eternal bliss! Don't miss out, get it right here! Never-ending happiness! It's yours if you switch to Verizon for long-distance!
Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal!
Of course it is, my son! And really, if you're permanently happy, will you even care who your long-distance carrier is?
I'm sold! Where do I sign -- but, wait a minute... how can I possibly be happy as long as I'm a Verizon customer?
Damn you, Neal! You've won this time, but I'll be back! And when I'm through, you'll pay a fortune for the worst service since the telephone was invented -- AND LIKE IT!
Look, Satan, if you want my eternal soul, that's one thing, but trying to get me to switch to Verizon is just mean!

 

by evil_d
2-22-01
John, let me ask you something. What exactly do you do for this company?
You know that; I'm a manager. I organize and direct other employees.
And does our company *sell* management?
Of course not. We sell computer software.
So if my job has a direct impact on how much we earn, and your job consists solely of making my and my coworkers' jobs easier, why do you get a big office, while we have to share cubicles?
I don't like where this conversation is headed. I think I might have to "manage" your access to the supply closet.

 

by evil_d
2-23-01
I was having enough trouble trying to think of a gift for Big Evil Dan.
Maybe I could write a sensible ending to the "Remaking a Classic" series for him... or have Helmut interview him....
I keep dropping hints about the "When I Grow Up" hooker, but no one listens....
Then Bottlerockett comes along and announces it's his birthday too.
Pr0n. You can't go wrong with pr0n.
I don't have any pictures of people puking... he probably has the latest Wu-Tang album already... comic books then?
Then it hit me: there's two of them... they're both male... what better way to say "happy birthday from all of us at Lowpass" than with the gift of gay sex?
You know what? Suddenly I remembered it's not really my birthday after all. Funny, huh?
Well, he doesn't have green hair, but....

 

by evil_d
2-23-01
...reckon that'll keep the Iraqis busy for a spell. Now Johnson, I want you on the horn to Britain, and tell 'em baseball's their national pastime now!
Uh, sir, I don't think that's really advisable.
Why in tarnation not? I never seen the point in that cricket business, myself....
Yes, sir, but as I've tried to explain before, you don't have the authority to make decisions like that for other nations.
Why sure I do! I'm the leader of the free world, ain't I?
I keep telling you, sir, that's not actually your title....

 

by evil_d
2-24-01
So, you say that if you should obtain this job, you would do your utmost to multiply costs of our company's stock?
Naturally.
And would you hawk your mortal soul to assist in gaining for this corporation any small triumph or tiny victory it might wish for?
Without a doubt.
Fabulous. Now just stand by; in four months I'll finally call to say "Fuck you, moron; an ill baboon with a vacant mind shall fill that position, but not you."
That sounds fantastic. I just know I can put my trust in you good folks at Microsoft.

 

by evil_d
2-25-01
I'm not going to tell you again -- give me that atom!
It's MY atom and I'll be damned if I'm going to just give it away to the likes of you!
Fine -- we'll do what King Solomon would have done. We'll split it and each take half.
Fine, let's do it then.

 

by evil_d
2-26-01
Y'know, Johnson, being President of the U.S. is a big job. Too big for one man to do alone!
That's why I've got advisors such as yourself. Hell, this job is as much yours as it is mine! Yes sir, it's almost like we're co-presidents!
Sir, I'm not taking the blame for attacking Iraq.
Damn it, I just don't understand! It worked for Poppy!

 

by evil_d
2-26-01
...Scrooge, having his key in the lock of the door, saw in the knocker, without its undergoing any intermediate process of change -- not a knocker, but Marley's face.
Knock knock knock, all day long. Knock knock knock while I sing this song.
Okay, I give.
You don't get off that easy, Scroogie. Tonight you shall be visited by three spirits: a cowboy, a pink donkey, and an axe-wielding squirrel.

 

by evil_d
2-26-01
Dear Mr. Jo, First let me assure you that any similarity between myself, Ann Landers, Isadora, or any other advice columnists is purely coincidental and is definitely not...
...part of a government plot to numb people's minds by making them emotionally dependent on an army of zombies who dispense common sense masquerading as helpful advice.
As for your rash and burning sensation, in these cases the best thing to do is to "fight fire with fire" -- literally, I mean, by cauterizing the affected area. Cauterization is a simple and...
...time-honored medical technique and can be performed in the comfort of your own home, without professional aid. Finally, I suggest that you seek help for your paranoid delusions.
The idea that some mysterious "red robot" out to kill you is coming to your door disguised as an Avon saleslady, or, for example, as a Jehovah's Witness, is just plain silly. --Abby
Afternoon, neighbor. I wonder if you could spare a few minutes to discuss the saving power of Jesus Christ.

 

by evil_d
3-01-01
Boy, Mr. Squirrel, you're lucky you're not a homo sapiens. It says they get cast into the... fairies of hell, I think.
I sure could go for some nuts right about now.
Hey brother, can you spare a dime for something to eat?
No, for blessed are you who hunger... after... um... right-handedness... for you shall be felled!
Jesus, I don't understand. It says here to humor thy feather and thy muffler....
For the last time, I'm not Jesus, I'm your aerobics instructor.

 

by evil_d
3-01-01
This is Ground Control to Major Tom... your circuit's dead, there's something wrong... can you hear me, Major Tom?
This is Major Tom to Ground Control...
...yeah, I'd say the giant killer robot on board definitely counts as "something wrong".
KILL ALL HUMANS!

 

by evil_d
3-01-01
Hello. I'm the clip-art representation of this strip's author, or, well, any strip's author, really. Maura is pretty hot, even if she is pixellated. I'll bet she's got guys lining up around the block.
Hi there, handsome. Wanna lie down and do stuff we can't be shown doing in-panel?
Okay... oohh....
...mmmmmm...
...hey... this is great! Check it out, everyone! I'm having sex in a comic strip!
Not if you keep giving them the play-by-play, you're not.

 

by evil_d
3-03-01
Hey, Roger. What's with the ambulances?
Didn't you hear? The paramedics had to come take care of Gabe's mom. They estimate she got hit over 40,000 times in one day!
Wow, that's harsh. Really makes you think about the fleetingness of life, and all. I mean, just yesterday, me and Mrs. Billings....
Yeah, I know, it's pretty mind-blowing. Gabe's not taking it too well.
I guess that would explain why I saw him running around wearing "parachute pants" and talking like Mr. T earlier.
No... I don't think anything could explain that.

 

by evil_d
3-04-01
Norm!!
Afternoon, everybody. Pour me a beer, Woody; it's time to put another notch in my liver.
Hey there, Normie. I was just telling everyone about the deep significance of Zero Wing in Japanese culture...
Cliff, we've been sitting together at this bar for how many years now? Nine? Ten? In all that time, has anything you've ever said been true?
...uh... it's true that I'm a mailman....
For now, but just wait until the post office solves the mystery of all those undelivered Playboys....

 

by evil_d
3-08-01
Hello, I'm Jack the Ripper, and this is my co-host Lizzie Borden. We're here tonight to tell you how much fun you can have with your own Pet Rock.
Wait... that's not right.
We sure are, Jack. You'll be thrilled at the hours of excitement the Pet Rock will bring you! Let's give it a few minutes to show off its talents!
Why do I get the feeling I'm watching somebody else's infomercials? And if I am... where are *my* infomercials?
Nancy, isn't it amazing, all the things you can do with this non-stick frying pan! Let's use it to cook eggs in the microwave! Watch this!
Damn you, God! I'll pay you back for this, I swear it!!

 

by evil_d
3-11-01
My company only gives me one week of vacation per year. Then, while I'm taking it, they call me and tell me to come back to help meet some stupid deadline.
I'd like to go punch my manager in the face for that. Or at least tell him off. But that would only make things worse. I wonder, what would Jesus do?
Jesus!
For starters, you can bet your ass I'd never work at no slave-driving company that only gives one week of vacation a year.

 

by evil_d
3-14-01
Hey, so let me read you guys a poem I wrote... this is really wild, you'll love this... okay, here goes....
A funny thing happened just last month... I met this guy and he was wearing purple...
And as it happened he was eating an orange... So then we... um... we got to talking about... um... doorhinges....
I'm sorry, but nothing can save you now.

 

by evil_d
3-14-01
''|'" ""''" '|'" |'"'|| '"''"'|' "||''' '"'
"|" ''' '"|" "" "|""|" |' '' ""|" "''|'| |""
Come on, man, give me a break! That mic is at least three times my height! There's no way they could have even heard my jokes!
It's probably just as well. They would have killed you themselves.

 

by evil_d
3-19-01
Right now I'm at the tail end of a 72-hour strip-posting marathon. A few more like this and I can reach for the elusive #100,000 by the end of the month! Thank god for Jolt.
Bongo: I tell joke. Why chicken cross road? Jesus: For gay sex? Bongo: No, for great justice! Jesus: Ha ha that are funny. Bongo: All your base are belong to me.
All this typing makes my fingers numb. But no problem -- I just warm them on the trash-barrel fire I keep lit to roast my beef jerky on. Then it's straight back to making funny!
Sweet merciful crap! I tried to type on the fire! Oh, how it burns!! Aieee!

 

by evil_d
3-27-01
If you want one of these vibrators, ma'am, you'll have to pay in cash up front. I don't take checks... too many people try to stiff me. Get it? "Stiff"? Hah!
Um, no, I don't quite get it. Anyway, I do want to buy one, but I'm not seeing anything I really like. Do you maybe have something a little more... full-featured?
"Now that you mention it... I think I might have just the thing...."

 

by evil_d
4-01-01
Okay, Bachelor #6. What's your idea of the perfect date with me?
Well, first we'd have a light dinner, then see a movie, then in the movie theater's parking lot, I'd watch you pleasure yourself with my car's stick shift.
Uh... right. Anyway, next question, if you could be any part of an automobile... um, you know, let's skip that one. Moving along... if we were making "whoopie", what kind of sounds would you make?
Well, there might be some uncontrollable hissing. But mostly I'd mumble ritual incantations, and maybe shout profanities from time to time.
Bachelor #6, are you a satanic priest?
Curse you and your "woman's intuition"! You've won this time, but I'll be back!

 

by evil_d
4-03-01
What's wrong, little boy?
*sniff* ...I've got diabetes. Won't you help?
Wait a second... are you that kid I keep getting all those stupid e-mails about?
No, that's leukemia. Please help, sir. All you have to do is mail gabe_billings a check for a few dollars.
Yeah, like I'm going to give Gabe a document with my real name and home address printed on it.
Oh, woe is me! We couldn't get the *real* Steve Austin to promote our cause, and nobody trusts his look-alike!

 

by evil_d
4-04-01
Maura, thank heavens you're alright! We thought you'd never come out of that coma!
I'm as surprised as you! I wouldn't have thought anyone could survive that explosion at the fish-packing plant!
Well, you did! And you're not the only one! Someone -- or should I say, something -- else made it through too! Turn around and see!
What? But who could possibly -- oh god, NOT YOU!!

 

by evil_d
4-04-01
I have to choose -- but how can I? Behind one door is my sweet lady Megan, and if I choose right, I can marry her! But behind the other -- a ravenous tiger!
Enough of your stalling! Choose now, or be exiled, to live out your days in disgrace! Will it be door #1, or door #2?
Augh! Okay, okay! I choose door #2! Oh merciful gods, please smile upon me, and upon my love!
He has chosen! Guards -- show him his fate!

 

by evil_d
4-11-01
"Is this the way to Red Square?" ... "La Place rouge, c'est par ici?" ... Man, this trip to France will be great.
Damn right it will. "I understand your language perfectly." ... "Je parle français comme une vache espagnole."
France.
Bonjour, mademoiselle! Vous êtes très jolie, pour une étrangère! Ton pif, tu l'as de naissance?
Je t'aime, veux-tu m'épouser? Je referai volontiers connaissance quand vous serez à jeun! Je pense pas que l'impuissance empêche de prendre du bon temps, n'est-ce pas?
Quel baboon.

 

by evil_d
4-14-01
Maura, you can't be serious! You're leaving me? I beg you to reconsider!
I've thought this through, Dr. Pedantic. I just can't take you're constant nitpicking anymore. It's over.
You mean "your" -- er, wait! Don't go, Maura! I can change, I swear! Oh, woe is me... if only I could have seen this coming somehow.
Hey there, Dr. Pedantic!
Not one word out of you, Captain Obvious.

 

by evil_d
4-14-01
Nothing like shutting down all my programs at the end of a long day.
A long day during which I got assigned to a project that has no use for me, denied a promotion, and reprimanded for shoes that were too "casual".
Are you sure you want to quit?
Windows NT, you read my mind.

 

by evil_d
4-24-01
RAAARR!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Oh no -- not me! I'm too delicate!
RAAARR!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Tobor will pay $10 extra for that.
...you've bested Tobor this time, but Tobor will be back.

 

by evil_d
4-26-01
*sob*... I was young and pretty once... and now look at me....
Ah... getting nostalgic for the glory days, eh? Well, I suppose we all have to get old sometime.
Yes, but we don't all have to get turned into pink donkeys because our husbands thought it would be a good idea to fiddle around with ancient magicks.
I swear, Belinda, the scroll said that changing you back into a human being would be the easy part.
You nitwit. I want a divorce. And don't think for a second that you're getting custody of the foals.
In retrospect, I wonder why turning you into a human being wasn't the first thing I tried....

 

by evil_d
5-02-01
Toothpaste. Noun. A dentifrice in the form of a paste. "My dentist told me to brush my teeth with a new kind of toothpaste."
Confetti. Plural noun. Small pieces or streamers of colored paper that are scattered around during the course of festive occasions. "Confetti covers the floor every year on January 1."
Interstice. Noun. A space, especially a small or narrow one, between things or parts. "Her foot was caught in the interstice between two large boulders."
French-fried potatoes. Plural noun. Strips of potato fried in deep fat. "Would you like some French-fried potatoes with that?"

 

by evil_d
5-12-01
My paw always use' ta say ta me, "Son, they's two kind a people in this here world!"
"Them what gots good grammar, and them what ain't!"
"And them what cain't count!"

 

by evil_d
5-12-01
Most of the time, bein' married to a crazy little elf who's a fairy-tale star is real great. We live off the royalties, so we have lots of time to travel. And he's into kinky sex.
But he's gettin' on in years, and lately his mind is startin' to go. He'll light a candle in the kitchen and prance in circles, yellin' how he's gonna steal the king's child all over again.
Then he trips on the candle and his ass catches fire. Don't take kindly to me gigglin' at that. Then it's off to the hospital again. This good-lookin' doctor there got a thing for me, ya know.

 

by evil_d
5-16-01
...memory-intensive.
...better than a vibrator, although it seems to use just as many batteries.
...difficult to make time for between gym class and Social Studies.
...a redhead and a six-pack! Yee haw!
...not the same thing as sex, damn it! NOT the same thing!
Okay, but anything else costs extra.

 

by evil_d
5-20-01
The quick brown fox jumped into my ass!
I hope to Zeus you didn't just say what I think you just said.
I said, "The quick brown fox jumped into my ass!" I think he's still in there -- want to see?
Kid, if you show me your ass, I'm going to be forced to kick it, fox or no.
His ass.
Damn it, Quick Brown Fox! I've told you before, I just don't think of you that way!

 

by evil_d
6-03-01
Hey, Pete. What's up?
Not much. You?
Same. How's the new apartment working out?
Terrible. It's too damn small! I brought this girl home from a bar last night and we had to have sex standing up!
Yeah, I guess that's the problem with living in a closet.

 

by evil_d
6-03-01
How about you, then? Get laid at all recently?
Yeah, unfortunately.
"Unfortunately"?
My parents set me up with this girl and I couldn't think of a good excuse to get out of having sex with her!
All this because you can't tell your parents you're gay, huh?
Yeah, I guess that's the problem with living in a closet.

 

by evil_d
6-03-01
Morning, Doris. Got some pleasant news for you.
Morning, Edna. And brrr... what a cold morning it is! What's the news?
Well, you know those conical piles of straw or hay that Farmer Johnson puts out for us?
They're called "cocks".
Sure, whatever. Anyway, what with the morning frost and all, they're practically frozen solid. And I know you like 'em that way.
Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

 

by evil_d
6-06-01
So I hear you smoked for the better part of your life and then somehow, mysteriously, got cancer.
Yeah. Damn that Philip Morris -- selling a potentially fatal product like that. Things that can kill you should be illegal!
So you sued them. For all those tens of thousands of times that you voluntarily paid a ridiculous price to smoke their carcinogenic cigarettes. And you won over $3 billion.
Yeah, but it's not about the cash, you know? Mainly it's to hurt them. They need to be responsible, to put on their product that the product will kill you so when you smoke you smoke at your own risk.
Are you somehow unaware that the Surgeon General has REQUIRED there to be just such a warning on EVERY FUCKING PACK for the last few decades?
Shit, is that what that says? C'mon, like I can read print that small through this thick cloud of smoke.

 

by evil_d
6-09-01
Following the trail of the vicious animal-sodomizing Milton, the Marshall and his posse stop to question some of the locals.
Why yes, Marshall Wirthling -- Milton DID cornhole me, and half the flock! But that's not all!
Anything you can tell us would be a big help, sir.
It seems that "Milton" was only a disguise! After he was done with us, he tore off his mask, revealing that his body was -- well, it looked red and metallic!
Red and metallic, you say? Like a red robot?
Tobor, I'd like to ask you a few questions.
RARRR! TOBOR WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF NOT FOR THOSE MEDDLING BIRDS!

 

by evil_d
6-09-01
Farmer Bo! Please don't tell anyone you saw me out here! This isn't mine -- I found it in my closet and I'm just bringing it out to bury it!
What?! You're leaving me?
Skeletons in the closet, eh? Well, don't worry, lassie, I know how that is. I've been spraying these here corn stalks with poisonous chemicals since 1956!
Bo, dear, you left your canisters of cyanide out on the back porch!
In a spy satellite orbiting far above the planet Earth....
Hmm. Seems like everybody's got something to hide except me and my donkey.
Speak for yourself, bowling ball head.

 

by evil_d
6-10-01
Enjoy your evening at the theater, sir.
It's not meant to be "enjoyed", Johnson, it's High Art...! Oh, never mind, you wouldn't understand. Listen, do try and take care of my new life-sized replica of Michaelangelo's "Pieta" while I'm out.
I guess that means I shouldn't screw your wife on it like last night, then?
...I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?
Johnson!! If I hadn't lost the use of my right arm in that yachting accident, I'd thrash you soundly!

 

by evil_d
6-13-01
I don't normally take my dates to the graveyard, Maura. But tonight is special. On this day last year, in this cemetary, I came face-to-face with a genuine ghost!
Wow. You must have been pretty scared. Did he haunt you?
Haunt me? No, he played poker with me.
I see. Well, that was nice of him.
Nice of him? The bastard cheated me out of $168! I'm going to beat it out of his immaterial hide if I catch him!
It's like I can feel myself transforming into a skeptic.

 

by evil_d
6-14-01
*pant, pant* Okay, Robbie, I ran over here as fast as I could, and I brought the knife like you said... now what's this urgent news you have to tell me?
I'm sleeping with your wife.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Yes! My plan is in action. Now to hide myself from his wrath in my sandcastle.
Wait a second... I'm not married. Robbie, this isn't another one of your schemes to get me to kill myself so you can run off with my stereo, is it?
Dude, can you blame me? She's got the cutest little antennae!

 

by evil_d
6-15-01
Hey, Clango. Why the long face?
I just finished reading "I, Robot". It always saddens me to think that such a brilliant author as Isaac Asimov is no longer with us.
Isaac Asimov, huh? Wasn't he the guy who discovered gravity?
No, you're thinking of Isaac Newton.
I thought he was the guy that invented those cookies. Oh, wait -- it's not a cookie, it's fruit and cake!
I think I'm about to break the First Law of Robotics.

 

by evil_d
6-20-01
For the love of Moses, Al, where the hell are you? Get me home, already, for Chrissakes. I've been jumpin' all over creation for half my life and now I'm stuck in this damned nowhere dimension. Al!!
Right away, Sam. I'm comin'. Hang on. Practice your anger management techniques while you wait.
Al Calavicci, at your service. I'm taking you back, finally. But there's a terrible apocalyptic war in the future. I mean my present. I mean -- just come back with me, Sam. You have to fix everything.
You look a mite different, Al.
Excellent observation, Sam. I can assure you there's a perfectly rational, excessively complex scientific explanation for that. Later on, I'll tell it to you.
Damn it, Al, I'm getting too old for this. Let's just leap on back so I can narrowly defeat this undoubtedly dark and gothicky yet somehow unimpressive final villain.

 

by evil_d
6-20-01
http://pro-rock.com/lyrics_clutch.html
Like Marlon Brando, but bigger. He found that creature at the bottom of the deep down Susquehanna River.
This one I had stood right on up to me; tore out his hook and declared himself a prodigy. But oh no, fishing ain't what it used to be. I've seen some bad years, but this one is just killing me.
One little nibble in thirteen years, he really packs 'em in. This one he had, he seen it in dreams, all shacked up with lightning and horizon beams.
Well I bring 'em on up and then I pack 'em on in, in all the places I've been, and I swear it's never been like this before -- least not since nineteen and fourty-four.
But today, you made a sick discovery! Lead box in Sassafras Cove! Well you brought him on up and then you packed him on in, oh yes. Now you're really cashing in.
I have discovered the body of John Wilkes Booth! Yes, it's true, I have Mr. Booth. Everybody got to make a living somehow. Do I hear a million? Well I bring 'em on up and then I pack 'em on in.

 

by evil_d
6-20-01
Sweetie, I'm so glad I saved you from those stupid earthlings. They could never appreciate you, not like I do. I want to make you glad, too. We'll be so happy together, you'll see.
I love you, baby, I lust for you, you know I do. We'll be all magicky together. We'll be like Kennedy and Monroe, we'll do it back and to the left, you know what I mean?
"Look, Skipper, the Professor made a new--" *BONK* *CRASH* "Gilligan! Wait'll I get my hands on you!"
Kinky, baby! You like it rough? We can definitely do it that way, honey. This is gonna be the start of something wonderful, I can tell.

Showing page 2.

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