All comics by luminous_luciano

Profile

 

No... not the Justifiable Action League... not the League of Ego-Maniacs... Just the League of Narcissists!
I'm an angel
Yeah, but I am simply magnificent!
No... not the Ninja League... the League of Horribly Scarred Former Stuntmen!
It still hurts me terribly when I clench my fist!
Really... me I can't bend over since 1997!
No... not the League of Distinguished Aristocrats... but really the League of Timid Terrorist Wannabees...
So... do we blow up a mailbox today?
Bomb threats make me queasy...

 

Happy on the outside... crying on the inside... and upside down all the way around! Why can't I be content like legendary clowns seem to be...? Why... WHY?!? Why... me?!?
You never saw Bozo go through existential angst... you never heard of Slava having any ''issues''... I certainly never heard of Klutzy there having any ''dark thoughts''... Or Patof being moody!
Me... it's a daily struggle to grin! AND IT'S PART OF MY JOB!!! How can I make people smile when myself I CANNOT SMILE... much less laugh!!! Somebody shoot me!!! End my misery!
And it sure is NOT as simple as it seems... lots of superficial folks think a new nose and new hairstyle would cut it - it won't! I know it won't! I tried it all already! Green, blue, orange...
I even tried on a magenta nose! Goes to show how desperate I am for a change... eh? And the hair... HA! You're all just jealous of my rainbowy hairlocks! I always knew that! Petty people!
I guess it is the very nature of the job that gets me so down - make 'em laugh, 24/7... Why can't I get a cushy job like Ronald... huh?!? What has he got that I haven't got?!?

 

What am I doing here... why am I here?!? Life isn't worth living - if it is just sitting and waiting around... for WHAT?!?
So... I guess you're NOT interested in learning about the birds and the bees just yet... ok... suit yourself... plenty more out there who ARE willing to learn... I have plenty of customers...!
Geez - I'm too young to be so gloomy! But my thoughts are being penned by much older than me - so it is ok! I guess... I'm an expendable cartoony boy...
?!?
There will be no sequels for me...
Nope.

 

by luminous_luciano
10-04-05
Ooooo... scary.
Yeah...
And then... the first snow.
So... what are we supposed to do now, again... ?!? Come on - tell me... Jack!
We're supposed to clear the way for far, far scarier than us - such beings that even a candle lit in our heads would NEVER ward off - the X-MAS COMMERCIALISM CREATURES!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-04-05
... the X-MAS COMMERCIALISM CREATURES! Yeah... such fearful creatures the world had never known, until circa 1876... I may be off by a few decades though... hey, they scraped my brains out, y'know...
HiHo - the Boss wants a word with yo...!
Huh? Oh-oh...
Ho Ho HO. So... I like my coke and residual revenue... got something against that? Huh???
Later...
Pumpkin pies all cooled down and wrapped up, boss - who do I send them to...?
Lessee... not Myers, he's done for... our good friend Wes - I guess! That'll satisfy his rather ODD CRAVINGS... HO HO HO

 

by luminous_luciano
10-04-05
Guess what - it wasn't All-Saints Day when Cranky Cringle got a visitor...
Don Clause... You sent a morbid pie package to my employer... the Craven! I am here for retribution...
Oh... oh-oh... Wait a second there, while I summon the true culprit of this outrage - the Gimlet, my employee! Gimlet - come here!
Momentarily...
Hmm...
Hey - nothing personal meant there! It wasn't like a severed hand or dead rat in a box package - come on! The Boss and I only meant it as a GIFT! And I've brought one for you too, SnowItMan - here!
And moments later...
Man... Snow-man are SLOW - man! I thought the ol' exploding gift trick only worked in toonies - y'know where elves are teal or something...!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-04-05
Sorry Don Clause - Freddy couldn't make it - actually, they told me he couldn't crack into your thick layer of - ah, melting snow dreams? So - the Craven sent me!
Quote the Craven - please please PLEASE - NO MORE!!!
PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER NOW OLD MAN - and pray it ain't the Coca-Cola Company!
Now - just wait a minute... we are so close to the Yuletide! Don't you want anything? ANYTHING?!? JUST ASK! MAKE UP A LIST! It's my business to grant wishes...!
It... is? The Craven didn't tell me I was offing... like... a genie?!? I am sorry... I had a difficult childhood, y'know...
Yeah - I know! You were a particularly vicious little naughty one back in the day... But even naughty naughty ones get presents nowadays, so... shoot!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-04-05
You're the grumpy... uh... groggy... uh... anyway... Gimlet? Yo seem pretty happy-go-lucky to me...
Sure am, Jay! I give all the credit for that to my doctor - Dr. Schoolls! Here... I brought you a gift... on me... take it... you'll love it... you'll see!
You were supposed to avenge me, you ninny! I knew they should have asked the Intoxicated Revenger instead... sigh
Sorrrrry! I did bring some flowers for your grave - but it seems to be... like... EVERYWHERE... Mr. Ghost of SnowItMan!
Miam! Since we were converted to a carnivorous diet by the boss, I can't help helping myself to seconds - and thirds! That Jay "wing" is mine...!!!!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-04-05
Listen... either you leave your goody-two-shoes wife to finally be with me - or I will put a hex on her... and a curse on you too!
Ho Ho HO - HA! Listen you b... witch! What we had was wickedly fun... but it has gone as stale as October 31st candy - from LAST YEAR! Ho Ho HO
I should have listened to the OTHER big red guy - he warned me that you were like most others of your ilk - selfish!
What are you talking about...?!? I'm not selfish - I bring presents to everyone! And I made you a GREAT ONE - I fertilized your eggs for you! Ho Ho HO!
You old bastard - I am warning you - I can turn you into any number of beastlings NOT well-suited for this cold a climate...!
Go ahead - I double-dare ya! That'll force the wifey to give in and move to California like I always wanted - oh wait - can witches cause earthquakes too?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-04-05
You cheated on me... you old slimeball... how could you?!?
What goes around - comes around! Ho Ho HO! Thought I didn't know what Johnny the Jolly Elf was so jolly about, from 1952 to 1969... eh, EH?
hello neighbour - how you doing - everyTHING cool with you... huh? AnyTHING new... anyTHING at all? Surely someTHING new has happened to you since the last time I victimized ya... eh?
At least I know the Craven didn't send YOU - he and Carpenter have not a THING in common...!
Remember me? You thought you'd seen the last o'me - eh, matey? Uh-HUH... that witch's curse will take a whole lot of twists and turns... and forms too... matey!
Huh? You made the trip all the way from down under - for this sequel? Wow - I am impressed! My offer still stands - you off Rudolph, and his job is yours! Waddayasay?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-11-05
i'm down in the dumps
Why did she do it... why
i'm a pinhead
... but the blame is always to be split evenly... 50/50

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
The White Sox are going all the way this year - I just know it! I can feel it - in my gut!
I was there when they THREW THE WORLD SERIES in 1919... those were the days!
Konerko wouldn't do that today - he wants to win! Ozzie Guillen wants to win!
Bah - you can't take a World Series win to the bank, y'know... winning is over-rated! Look at the RED SOX... they won! So WHAT? This year they didn't! Poor Pilgrims they are... again!
What kind of a ghost are you, anyway - wait; don't tell me... you wear pinstripes, don't you?
Don't call me "babe"

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
Anyone fluent in H.S.L. around here...? No? Good! Here the hippie is signifying his indifference towards the mutant off-shoot of his kind commonly referred to as "yuppie"...
Here, of course, it is the standard hippie routine - "peace (and love), not war" - anti-military and all...! Hello Hanoi Jane!
And here... just a run-of-the-mill call for moderation...

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
Oh... THE L WORD is on again... thought it had been cancelled?!?
Are you sure you don't want me? Come on - give it the good old college try...!
Uh... no - lesbian sex scenes are not a part of my contract - I am just the token black female here...
Those SUPERNATURAL boys sure are no old-style Hardy Boys types...
You're just jealous I got to scare the locals sh!tless AND cut the heads clean off all the witches, ghouls and things that go bump in the night around here before you even TRIED...!
Ahh - now this will be perfect for some real good laughs - a Hammer Films festival on the Horror Channel...!
Too bad I can't invoke the name of Christ to save my poor hide - even though it would be in-character to do so, it's not in the script!
Bwah-ha-ha

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
Oh - this will be a blood-soaked sequel!
Yeah - either that or one bloodfest of a remake!
Frankly, batty... we don't give a damn!
?
Oops - I wandered off too far again...

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
On some particularily chilling fright night...
Bwah-ha-ha!
BWAH-HA-HA - THIS UNIT'S SUDDEN CRAVING FOR HUMANOID HEMOGLOBIN HAS BEEN A SURPRISINGLY - REFRESHING NEW PROGRAM TO RUN! BWAH-HA-HA!
... one can learn that bloodsuckers are born as such...
Yeah - tastes good! Yum-Yum!
UH... The iron-containing respiratory pigment in red blood cells of vertebrates, consisting of about 6 percent heme and 94 percent globin tastes... "good" to you?
... but cannot be made into what they are not!
Well... yeah...!!
DOES NOT COMPUTE - DOES NOT COMPUTE - DOES NOT COMPUTE - DOES NOT COMPUTE - DOES NOT COMPUTE - DOES NOT COMPUTE - ---

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
The crucifix... if you are a batty bloodsucking megalomaniac that is...
Arrrrrrrrr!!! No! Nooooooooo!!!
The geek fears that he will lose control at the console - and keep on playing his insignificant VR game as his world crumbles all around him!
And the average alien fears running out of specimens to abduct...
uh... where is everybody?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
I can't see you anymore, Brad - I am in love with another man this week - and this time it is much more serious than the other man from the week before... or the other woman from two weeks ago!
Ah - okay.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN - "AH - OKAY"?!? Aren't you going to fight for me? Try to win me back? Try to keep me - or win my love again?!?
Uh... no.
That's what attracted me to you in the first place, y'know - your strong-silent-type take-me-as-I-am-or-leave-me je-m'en-foutisme! Come along now - let's go to bed!
Uh... okay!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-16-05
School sux! I wanna be like Mr. Popular there, Bratty Brien - but I ain't! I'm a nerd... and a nitwit! *Sigh*
Dude...!!!
At least I am not being picked on like poor Cal here - gee... he's black AND blue all over!
Hi, Luke! You want my lunch money?
Oh no - just when you think it couldn't get any worse...
Hey, kid - wanna try some cool stuff? I'll let you have it cheap - come on - you wanna be up to speed, don't cha?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-17-05
Chatty peeps keep on chatting it up once they have... ah, moved on...!
So... How's death, shorty? Life sucked big time... surely you caught a break in the afterlife - rrrrright?
Whaddaya think, Jack? When you're not this high, you never get to ride the big time rides! NEVERRRRR!
I'm a headcase - and I have a huuuge headache!
No haunting or humping tonight, eh?
Un-Life ain't worth it - or is it Un-Death? I am soooo confused...!! What am I... A revenant? A zombie? A phantom? A spirit? A ghost? What - whaaaaat?!?
Snap out of it! At least you can still get physical whenever you feel like it! And in your own bod too! Me - I'm stuck to take over someone else's bod - walk-in style!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-17-05
Just another routine medical procedure...
Hey - great job in there! That op room is never gonna be the same again! It sure has never seen a prouder moment - or gorier, for that matter!
Gimme a break, willya? I couldn't do any better a job under the circumstances - the patient kept tossing around waaaay too much...!
Is this your final answer?
Is that your final diagnostic...?
Sorry pal - but given your general health, fitness factor (or lack thereof) and genetic background... I give you no more than six months to live! It's curtains for you! Have a nice day!
Shades of Malice... in Massachusetts! At least Bill Pullman got his wish - last year, the Red Sox did win the World Series!
So - ok... I thought that because I was blond, hunky and a medical genius that made me as good a candidate to be GOD as You Are....... I was wrong... dead wrong.

 

by luminous_luciano
10-19-05
Monday morning, after heart surgery...
DOCTOR! You promised me you would quit staring at my boobs when you're performing surgery!!! Look at the mess you made - agaaaaain!
I'm sorry, nurse... I just can't help it! I can't forget our moments of ecstasy between losing patients number #344388 and # 4594938...
Do you have a temperature again? Want me to check it for you? Come on... Turn around - as you well know, the big one goes where the sun don't shine! Don't be shy - I've seen it all anyway!
Yeah... I guess I do have a temperature... yes... I've got the hots - for you!!! There's no cure for it - it's a terminal condition all right - I'm a doc... I should know! Right... right?!? *Sigh*
Now cut that out! You will never leave your wife and kids for me - and you know it! Besides, I am dating the head-nurse now! Our relation was on life-support anyway!
Can't I have one last chance? Please? A hickie? A quickie? Anything? Please-please- please!!! Show some compassion! Don't pull the plug just yet!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-19-05
In the hood...
Uh... take me to your leader?
GRRRRRRRRRRR
!
I'm the ghost of a telegraphist - I'm here to tell you that you will soon join me - in the limbo of the obsolete careers! Fax-machine salesmen are next in line...
... and beyond!
For once, I wish they'd used hotmail...
If it's from up there, RETURN TO SENDER - y'hear?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-19-05
Hmm... it's either a Chicago Hope halloween reunion special... or a St-Elsewhere elseworld type of thing...!? (Sorry DC!)
Hmm... what are you staring at? Are a close kin to the deceased?
Oh yeah... there's nothing like a cooking show right after tons of gore... sure...
... and then you add your spices and your herbs... just a pinch of salt... in the oven for 40 minutes... et voilà! Tra-la-la!
Grrrrrreat going, Chef! You keep on cooking - and I'll keep on eating it! Deal?
All right! NOW you're talking! COPS is on! Bad boys - Bad boys - what chu gonna do? (...) !!!
You know how much you can get for impersonating an officer... huh? HUH?
Bonjour la police!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-19-05
Kim Newman's ANNO DRACULA series and Wold Newton's family missed out on a few things about good ol' Drac there...
I played one like that once - yeah! I wanted to be called Brad Cula but Annie refused!
I'm told you are my wife's cousin's great-great-uncle by virtue of marriage... we're practically family!
I'll still bite ya!
Bwah-ha-ha!
So - you have a fixation on Mina and I have one on Dorothy - so what?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-19-05
Dracula met Billy The Kid once - and it went rather well...
Yo look mighty pale there, chum...!
I know just the thing to remedy to THAT...!!!
Dracula and Kim Possible - now that had nowhere to go but down!
I should have known you were not one iota different from the other guys! I'd rather try my luck with Walt than get a hickie from you!
When Dracula met Jesus though... it was the end of the line for good ol'fangsy!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-21-05
On the outskirts of Lollapalooza... or whatever it is called...
?!?
Heyyyyyyy... Jesus! come and have a drink with us...
Infomercial shooting...
Hi, my name is Al...
Don't know how you got out, mister Di Salvo, but you're going back in...!
Chance encounter... that isn't so lucky after all...
@#$!%%!??&
Can I have your autograph, Miss Osbourne?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-21-05
Finally - I've been wanting a gathering like this for a loooooooong time now...!
Yeah, well - you gotta know whose butt to kiss and when to do it, eh? Go right in - Stygee is giving out free spells and hexes today!
... aka Which Witch Is Which Con 2005...
?!?
I think you've got the wrong convention - the mimes con is NOT here...
... aka Craft Con 2005 (not sponsored by Kraft Foods Ltd - naaaaah).
Sorry - I already gave this month...

 

by luminous_luciano
10-21-05
Our gadgets are so cool - eat your hearts out, Bond... and especially the 100 and one sci-fi franchises wannabees on our tail!
Aye, Captain... the Federation did supply us with the goods - didn't they. But... my weapon is jammed... I can't seem to...
You know... your red shirt is really too much... looks like you got ketchup all over... or blood spilled all over yo... urkkkkkk*
OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD OH-MY-GOD
UGH! Hmm... where is the Captain? Or have recasting and relaunch plans already caught up with him...?
I... I guess so! He ssssure left in a h-h-hurry t-t-there! Does my red shirt make you think of... blood spilt too, by any chance, Chief Ensign...?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
Captain's Log... uh... nothing! I'm supposed to be dead! Carry on... without me!
No sign of the Captain... Not picking up any signal of the presence of outlandish alien lifeforms either - at least!
I am hearing something all around us... and it's NOT left-over F/X from Space:1999! Not Cylons either... nor Stormtroopers body armor rattling...
Now, now - you are not making any sense... ****URRRRRKKKKKKKK
... AND IT'S COMING FROM BEHIND US! I GOTTA BLAST IT AWAY... OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD - I DID IT AGAIN! They will court-martial me now - for sure! I can't fry all my superiors like that...
INDEED - YOU CANNOT! AND THAT IS WHY I PLACE UPON YOU NOW - A HEX! A CURSE NONE OF YOUR KIND SHALL ESCAPE - EVER! THE CURSE OF THE RED GARMENT! You and all who succeed you shall not live long -
Hey... wait a second now... the Red Sox reversed that curse sometime in the last Century - I'm pretty sure! Besides - I'm a Tampa Bay Devil Rays fan! And they've a loooong-standing winning tradition!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
Captain's Log... Stardate...
OH MY GOD - I am all alone on this planet now - and the local aliens have cursed me to death!
What aliens - we haven't made contact with anything down here yet - as far as my log is concerned anyway...! LOG - not BLOG!
Uhh... just got here, newbie clone, y'know...
OH MY GOD - It's happening all over again! I am caught in a time loop - forced to remake the same mistakes ad infinitum!!!
What are you talking about? I am the stand-in Captain clone - when he croaks, they send me into the fray! Just standard procedure!
Send in the next clones...
Wow - déjà-vu... my phaser is jammed... again... this must mean something in the Grand Cosmic Scheme or something...!
Yeah - I know what it means all right - it means you are incompetent! And when an ALF DOES show up - we're goners! THAT's what it means! Great going - loser!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
Captain Clone's... bah!
I am soooooo glad you are "back", Captain... even though only as a clone of the original! No one will ever see the difference between your boring self now - and the boring original!
WATCH OUT YOU FOOL - BEHIND YOU! NOW I REALLY SEE SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ALIEN, IN THE BUSHES, LOOKING AT US MENACINGLY!
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD - I knew it would come to this! I have to prove myself now - and blast to atomized smithereens somebody or something that REALLY deserves it!!!
Quit invoking God - invoke Gene's wisdom instead - or the mercy of the audience! We're sappy enough as it is - we sure ain't no Jedis! Let's still TRY and put up a good fight - shall we?!?
Where is it... WHERE IS IT? I DON'T SEE IT... ARRRRRRRRR****
Maybe we should try a bold new approach... HELLO MR. ALIEN! CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME FAIR TRADE? BEAVER FUR - SLIMEY GOO - WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT! IN EXCHANGE FOR MY MODERN GIZMOS - WHAT DO YOU SAY?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
Captain Clone's Log: stardate downright trivial and unimportant...
Crummy Federation scum of the universe! NOW you're REALLY gonna get it!!!
Bring it on, bacon-breath! Always have been an egg-and-hammer here - bacon, ah, sucks eggs!
... been busy down here...
@#!%%$#@@$%?!&
Sheeeesh... our budget has really gone to heck now! And just when we were FINALLY having some action sequences in these crappy excuses for "films" we do...!!!
... matching muscle AND wits with the locals...
Heeey - no fair! It's not in the script that we can turn analog-type old-fashioned fisticuffs into a high-tech gunfight without notice!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
Captain's Log - BAH!
Gee - where did our big-budget go to, huh?!? All we have as sets are wastelands and deserts! I 'm sick of this! When are we taking off from here?!?
Hmm... you I can say, according to all probabilities, soon... The series as it is though is stuck in a rut that it can't get out of! Mired are we in the bog of mediocrity!
Well - let's snap out of it NOW! Let's shake things up! Do the unexpected - I know; let's have a fight scene you and I - right now! That'll wake up the audience - and our so-called creative peeps!
Hmm... doubtful... as well as improbable and totally illogical! Besides, I would take you out in mere seconds - not enough time to shake anything off! Hmm... Here - catch this!
Why did you throw me your scanner / communicator / teleporter home-in device...?!? *Ahhhhhhhhhhh*
It was giving me signals that it was due to override... and fry! Ah - and it just did! I shall be greeting your next clone when he arrives - UGH! Shalom! Or something...!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
Captain's Log: dead again... career dead too...
I can't take it anymore - I have to get off this planet - get out of this series - get out this accursed red shirt that forebodes pain, hurt and outright doom for me!!!!!
Calm down ensign - things can only get better from here on - we got rid of that damn Canadian horrible actor who hijacked the franchise to make a name for himself... so... we are gonna be cool! Ok?
... carry on boring folks!
No... NOOOOOOOO! DIE YOU POINTY-EARED FREAK! DIE! NO MORE CRAP FROM YOU! NO MORE CRAP FROM ANYBODY ON THIS DAMN SHOW! WE ARE ALL CURSED - DON'T YOU SEE? CURSED TO SUCK!
There we go a-gain... alrighty then - beam me up God! See you in the sequel... **Ughhhhhh**
7 out of 9 moviegoers ARE bored! Numbers don't lie...
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD - WHAT HAVE THEY SIGNED ON TO ACE ME OFF NOW...?!?
You know something - you remind me a lot of those annoying noisy kids who barge onto MY turf in the summer - I always know just how to deal with them! They never make it to any sequels - nor will you!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
According to polls, moviegoing audiences like mix-n-matches now... and since we lost our erstwhile Canadian Captain to a Hookers&Cops show - our French but truly Brit Captain to the muties...
... so you are contemplating mutiny, eh? HA! You should have seen how I handled rebellious rabble like you, on my way to London! No one on THAT ship dared rebel again -in their undead existence! HAHA
So... anywaaaay... we ALSO lost our Black Captain to Boston... and our lone female Captain was traded to the lesbians for fan-fiction purposes... WE, in short, need to appeal to wider audiences!
Crossover flicks are the latest rage... Ash frowned upon ME and Freddy - but he will team up with Joanie and Chachi...?!? What's next... Mork & Mindy Versus Will & Grace...?!?
Bwah-ha-ha!
On second thought... anybody with half a brain will want to see "Dracula Vs Jason" over any "new and improved" newstyle Star Back-Tracking waste of celluloid! Right Drac?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
Somewhere in the parking lot of Backamount studios...
I can't believe it's OVER! They pulled the plug on us - just like THAT?!? Tell me it isn't so, S'dork!
Face it - blond guy / brummel guy team ups have never had much success - we had as good a run as was to be expected really...
What are you talking about? Those WEDDING CRASHERS were a monster hit... right? RIGHT? And then there was... uhh... Starsky & Hutch? And... uhh... I am sure there were more!
Napoleon Solo & Ilya Kuryakin SUCKED fast enough... AQUAMAN & SUPERMAN really aren't such great buddies at all... neither are we really... need I go on?
At least you don't bring up the lousy original Human Torch and lousier Sub-Mariner... now THEY had an AWFUL collaboration... oh, you're touchy about the ears thing... sorry...
Ahem... WHATEVER. My point is... you go on to play JESUS and then vanish from sight altogether, Jeff... and I will keep doing the Sci-Fi thing here and there... ok? Shalom!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-22-05
WE'RE BACK! Due to not-quite popular but really fanatical condensed demand...!!! It sure is good to have a handful of nerds on one's side!
Yeah... RIGHT. Like this is gonna last... At least they amped up production values... this sure beats the last sci-fi piece of crap I did...
Flashback time...
My cousins will snatch your bodies - make all the duplicates necessary for their sinister use - and then feed me the original corpses! Yum Yum! You're NEXT - Leonard!
Hmm... right. What's my line again? "Illogical!" No, that's not it... wait, I know! "Carl Sagan help me - I can't believe I'm doing this much of a disservice to science!"
Come on, man - that is not the right attitude to have! Think of Gene... Think of Raspberries... think of whatever it takes but CHEER UP MAN!
Hey - you got to co-star with John Wayne once... all I ever got for a co-star is that God-damn Canadian moron from Montréal who let his wife drown in the pool! So... stick it, eh?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-23-05
Captain's Log - we have been stranded on a planet inhabitated by evil, rotten mischievous robots that ate both our weapons - and our ship! We have to fight them now - mano-a-mano! Uh... well...
All right piece of scrap metal - put 'em up!
Aww... puny human wants to play! Nice of you to come and visit us on our forlorn distant planet!
... mano-a-roboto? (With apologies to Styx and all five of their remaining fans!). ;)
Damn you - clunky retarded piece of rusted junk! You pulled our ship out of the sky - crashed it here and started eating it down to the last bolts! We're not here because we want to VISIT...!!!
Offensive human - you are like that most obnoxious of all humanoids that constantly heckled a more archaic model of splendid robotry on a most singular transmission our sensors intercepted eons ago!
It will be hard on the knuckles... thankfully, Dr. Smith is with our party on this distressing journey...
You cretinous dolt! Metallic boobie! Nth Ninny! Neanderthal Nincompoop of the Robotic Age! Have you no competence at all?!? Can't you see what you've done? You bulbed-eyed boobie!
Most excellent impersonation there, earthling! That is quite exactly like the transmission we caught emanating from thy primitive space sector - many, many of your time estimates ago!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-23-05
Captain's Log (dictated - hands broken; can't type!) - the fight is not going well - the robots are kicking the bejeeves out of us all!
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD - HE'S WEARING RED TOO! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?
IT MEANS I AM IN SELF-DESTRUCT MODE - PUNY HUMAN! AND YOU ARE COMING WITH ME - TO ROBOT HEAVEN!
Philosophical debate time
Illogical... you cannot have a LEGION of robot parts in you - that is not the proper terminology! You sound like my captain... You have got a MYRIAD robot parts within your wretched shell of a 'body'
Silence human doubter! Us robots have got souls too! We are not your waring blenders... or cappucino makers... or laptop computers... you disgusting human! You make our kind feel... out of order! ***
If only Nietsche & Stoker could see this...
HA HA HA - silly loon of a robot! You think you're a vampire or what? Is this Planet Hollywood? Or... Planet Transylvania? HA... ***Urrrkkkkk***
WRONG human! DEAD WRONG! This unit is not being Transylvanianish but truly Kryptonianish! And this unit has just used its laser vision to eradicate you!!!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-23-05
Captain's Log - what remained of our crew was rescued by some druid wannabee from the starry ways - okay, we're not complaining! But geez...
(... he sure looks weird to me! If you're gonna roam the spaceways - dress accordingly!) Anyway... THANKS -YOU SAVED US ALL! Your smoke and mirror tricks sure outwit that sucker bunch of robots...!!!
No tricks - that was the power of the Schwartz! Not to mention a certain luminous sword I wield more expertly than humanly possible... which brings me to my reason of being here in the first place...
Tantamount Pictures and Luck-a$$ Films team up to bring you...
o...h...******** s... i... t..... h.....
I was sent to slay you all, sorry excuse for a stellar cast of star-spanning adventurers that you are... by the dark sick lord of a rival movie franchise! May the Schwartz... actually desert you now!
... just something to try and make more money than LOTR!
Well... that was easy... Oh please what is that... do I have to nip in the bud the vain hopes of rebirth, sequels and profitability -despite clear artistic futility- of THAT movie franchise too?!?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-24-05
The Jet-Li-Dye needs to summon the force... just to get out of bed in the morning! Not his fault that his sweet-half's alias is femme fatale Electra... she siphons his strength, likely...
Blind as a bat, eh? Wish I had done Batman Begins too - instead of Daredevil! Hey -maybe I can get the part in Batman Begins 2...?
Good Morning, Omo-Ron San - you sure are no Obi-Wan! Too much force - not enough calcium you have Anyway - try and keep pace as we do our morning jogging - will ya? Just let me finish my stretching...
The Jet-Li-Dye thinks highly of himself - that he is The One - The Hero... The Dog (top dog or otherwise)... and why not - after all, he has the force!
Stretching? I'd do a remake of THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM right now just to show ya what stretching is REALLY ALL ABOUT...!!! Maybe Matt is up to co-write the script with me...
Use the force now to snap out of this silly phase you're going through and start making GOOD FILMS... ahh - who am I kidding; even the force could not... force you to make good films!!!
The Jet-Li-Dye fears not the dark side of anything - not even the other side of life! Though he knows not that it inspired the last true hit for the Moody Blues... and they were never heard of again!
Begone Dead One! I can see your veins palpitating... I know you embraced the dark side to gain power and longevity! But I will never embrace the dark side - never!
I don't get you... you know you'll get a cooler mask than mine... you know you'll rule with an iron fist like no other... and still you will not sign on? Hmm... what is wrong with you?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-24-05
Jedi vs Vulcan...
I can slice and dice you a dozen times with my luminous sword before you can even say ''illogical'' - you stoic pointy-eared clod! For you see - the Force is with ME!
None of that Force mumbo-jumbo with me - they could get the best martial artist / swordsman to play your part - you'd still succumb to my patented vulcan nerve pinch! Make my day!
Crow vs Vampire...
Give it up bloodsucker - I have no blood left in my veins!
You've got the looks - I've got the brrrrains! Vet's make vots ov money!!! You attract the babes - and I make them my brides!
Droid vs Alien...
Vee-Dee Vee-Dee (assorted whistling sounds) * (whimper)*
Honeymoon with fandom is over - bang... zoom... to the moon!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-24-05
LUMINOUS NEWS EXCLUSIVE
Breaking news! The world is going down the tubes - as we know it well now! No end in sight yet though... Shauna?
Thank you Shaun... in other news...
A raging fire broke out in a suburban neighborhood just outside our fair city - the home where the fire started was completely totalled and nothing but ashes remain of it - the residence was...
Oh... I thought the address looked familiar... it was MY residence. Anyone who has a spare room to rent to a budding newscaster - please call this station during the break... please?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-24-05
**Insert favorite news anthem here**
The temperature outside our studios is... ah... downright hellacious! The end of the world is upon us folks - and we owe it all to one clunky robot! Who knew... hmm?
Scarlatine the Robot went on a rampage today - killing everyone outside of our studios - and, most importantly, damaging precious architectural treasures in the process...
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE - TO BE SULLIED AS SUCH BY THE PRESS - I NEVER DESTROYED ANY ARCHITECTURAL TREASURE! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS DEARLY - AND YOU WILL PAY IMMEDIATELY!
Oops - he has gained entrance into our studios as well... Farewell, faithful viewers - this was Shauna Grant - signing off forever!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-25-05
LIVE from New York... but not on a Saturday night! First up are the Belfast Bunnyman Assassin... versus the San Francisco Squirrel Nut Axer!
Two students from the Brotherhood of Dada-Dali School of Arts square off next... Mal Komod vs Mal Odorant - aka the Fishy One, who is the odds-on favorite to take this one...
And finally - our main event - likely to be the bloodiest battle of the evening - Xica versus her older sister, Chica!
She's only got a few months on me... my dad was working on several fronts, see... I could say ''our'' dad - but I'm the favorite!
Lil' Sis and I have had several epic battles already - most notably for the biggest bedroom... and the first boyfriend!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-25-05
HOUSE... on Fox... looking more and more like a remake of House of Frankenstein if you ask me... complete with mad doctor... and Igor...
Well... here is your bill! We patched you up real good this time - and in no time at all too!
Maybe you should have taken a little bit more time to work on the stitches...?
SMALLVILLE... now that Aquaman has appeared on the show - maybe it will be less like Dawson's Creek and develop an Eco-conscience?
Clark... can you do something NOW about the land of my ancestors that can't get out of this 32 year-long DROUGHT...???
Uhh... sorry, I'm seeing Lois tonight... or is it Lana? Anyway... I'm busy! Ask AQUAMAN! And quit blowing my cover, Jimmy!
ENTOURAGE... may yet truly make Hollywood think long and hard about their rotten to the core ways... Then again... naaaaaaaaahhhhh!
I need that part DESPERATELY! I know I may never hit the big time without it! So what if a dozen other guys could do a better job - GET ME THAT PART! NOW!!! I MEAN IT!
Uh... yeah... right. We'll see what we can do about it... but there's something fishy here when a big name like PAUL WALKER wants to do it as art - and a no-name like you just wants it for the moolah!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-26-05
Strike One...
Gee... your boobs are just the way I like 'em... but gee - you're TALL! And what is wrong with your teeth... need a good dentist? I know one...
Are you INSENSITIVE... UNSENSIBLE... or just plain old-fashioned jerk-faced DUMB?!?
Strike Two...
Hey there - beauty! Yeah - you - by the PC! Care to log off that damn thing - and jump onto my lap for a few hours ... uh? UH? Come on - don't be shy! You know you want it!
Bug off - creep! I am in the middle of cyber copulatory acts that far exceed anything you could possibly dream of doing in real life!
Strike Three - you're ouuuuuuuuuut!
Not my night...
I only date anthropomorphic hunks with distinct animalistic qualities... it could have been worse - I could have said, uh... "no guys"!!!

 

by luminous_luciano
10-26-05
Yup!
Come along with me, elfboy... we have a score to settle once and for all with the forces of evil!
Are you the forces of evil - embodied in the shape of a gruffy, unkempt scruffy beast of a man...?
What do I look like to thee? The Sultan of Swing? Wait here though - I will get my chieftain! It is he whom thou seeketh...!
You kid me not...?!? They say size matters not, but...
Hey - and what of these also; good things come in small packages... it's in how you use it... it's not the size of the dog but the size of the fight in the dog... ok, this is all dated material, eh?

 

by luminous_luciano
10-27-05
Come on now - lead me to thy TRUE leader... for, verily, thou belongs with a fellowships of tree-cutting dwarves methinks...!
HA - no fringe benefits in that anymore - no chalk white pale-faced princess to kiss out of her slumber around here...! Only witches around THESE parts...
So? I never met a witch who wasn't rich! Fine party for a dalliance, methinks!
You bring the goods to the table - and she will partake of them! Sounds like a great mating indeed! Methinks thou art a mad mystic... I shall seek out counsel with my brother over what to do with thee
Brother! Thou art a sight for sore eyes! We have a wicked wizard on our tails - and such would be a... boring story to tell actually!
Agreed. Although... what doest thou mean by "sight for sore eyes" - eh? Thou implying me am an eyesore? HA! If me ams that - so art thee, silly! We are twins! IDENTICAL twins - equal in yuckiness!

Showing page 3.

« Previous Next »