Top Rated Comics Archive

This static page shows every comic captured in sc_toprated_comics when the archive was generated.

1651. CC 466: ATTORNEYS HAVE NO GRAVESIDE MANNERS!

by bigworm on December 17, 2010
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by bigworm
12-17-10
Whereas (in life), I have been denied my conjugal right (albeit tacit), to doink your rump, and notwithstanding... the fact that (in death),
your ass has been sewn shut to further the aforementioned denial... and notwithstanding the fact that your colon is devoid of all fecal matter...
... and whereas the continuance of this denial has pissed me off, I shall upon this day, seize the moment and butt-fuck the shit out of you.

1652. Landlord problems

by RetardedHistory on August 17, 2010
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by RetardedHistory
8-17-10
Oh, uh, hey. I really don't have the rent this month. Been a tough one, ya know?
Hmm.
Well, maybe we could...er...come to (wink) some sort of arrangement instead?
So then she was all like, "I didn't mean harvesting my organs" and *I* was all like, terms of lease, bitch!
Ha ha ha

1653. SEXBEARD

by mandingo on February 3, 2010
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
2-03-10
SEXBEARD WILL SEDUCE YOU
sorry, Sexbeard. i'm... uh... a lesbian. yeah, let's go with that. lesbian
SEXBEARD WILL SEX YOU UP
sorry, Sexbeard. i'm allergic to the bearded's semen
SEXBEARD WILL MASTURBATE TO PRETTY IN PINK
sorry, Sexbeard.

1654. Twas the Night Before Kwanzaa (aa)

by four_legged_tripod on December 9, 2009
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

But my family now knows what happens to the naughty,
A month after Kwanzaa
and we still can't go potty.
Quit laughing at me!
Still hurts to sit down, huh?

1655. Bow Wow Wow Yippee Yo Yippee Yay

by Ogyaf on September 26, 2009
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by Ogyaf
9-26-09
Did you ever notice how people always buy big-ass dogs like pitbulls or rottweilers...
...and then yell at it when the dog viciously barks at anybody and anything...
...that makes even the slightest movement in front of their house...
...as if that kind of behavior isn't expected from that breed of dog?
Oh, there's no punchline to this comic. I just fuckin' hate my neighbor's dog!

1656. Why Family Circus Is Only One Panel: 2/12/09

by boloboffin on March 7, 2009
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by boloboffin
3-07-09
Bad
What did you get for question 12?
There was a question 12?
Worse
What did you get for question 12?
Herpes.

1657. Vaginame

by choadwarrior on February 1, 2009
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by choadwarrior
2-01-09
Hey, wanna go to Japan with me?
No.
But you love to travel and you've never been to Asia.
Yeah, and you're so into Japanese girls that all we'll do is follow your boner around for two weeks.
I'm not obsessed with Asian chicks.
Then why do you refer to vaginas as Hello Pussy?

1658. Guy in red shirt goes home with a transvestite in 3rd panel

by mandingo on November 14, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
11-14-08
ha! Guy in red shirt goes home with a transvestite in 3rd panel
yeah
hate to be you
and he's like "hate to be red-green colorblind." lame comeback, huh?
shut up and suck superclit again

1659. Show Me The Hamsters 2

by biped on October 27, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by biped
10-27-08
Thank you for opening up a new hamster account with our bank, Mrs. Hudson.
Do I get my free exercise wheel now?
What do you mean, "the rent money ran away"? You're gonna get us kicked out of the fuckin' trailer, BITCH!!!
FUCK YOU!!! I have enough trouble ridin' herd over the fuckin' BRATS without having to manage the money, too!!!
I'm outta hamster tokens! Let's go to the dump and catch some rats!
Yeah! These dumb machines don't know the difference, HA HA!

1660. Show Me The Hamsters

by biped on October 27, 2008
Rating: 8.08 (13 votes)

by biped
10-27-08
I've decided to make hamsters our new currency.
Oh, my god.
I'd like to purchase one of those new hamster wallets, please.
What hamster capacity would you prefer? The deluxe model costs an extra fifteen adult hamsters.
Dad, my allowance died.
Well son, you should've used your hamster to buy hamster food, and...oh, fuck me, this is so fucked.

1661. how to tell if your best friend is a pedophile

by areallystupidguy on October 23, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
ah, first day of summer! what should we do? any ideas?
let's play nintendo!
nah, we do that all the time.
okay, how about i cryogenically freeze you and then thaw you out when i'm 45 and take your anal cherry?
um

1662. cc401: You and Mie, and Kei, makes three

by mandingo on September 22, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
9-22-08
when i was a kid, dad would blame tiny elephants running by whenever he farted at the dinner table. opinion was split on this. mom HATED it, but we kids thought it was the funniest damn thing
but then mom actually died in a freak elephant stampede at the zoo
and it was unanimous

1663. Victims of 9/11

by seanator on September 7, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by seanator
9-07-08
8:46 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1
Look up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
Actually, you're right! It is a pl-

1664. Oggy Picks Up A Hitchhiker

by Ogyaf on September 3, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by Ogyaf
9-03-08
Sure, I'll offer you a ride.
I'm totally going to brutally murder this hitchhiker...

1665. It Sucks Being a Midget!

by seanator on August 7, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by seanator
8-07-08
One fine day...
I'm sorry Mr. Calhoun, I can pay rent by next friday...
You had better...
Or else you'll be evicted by September! HAHAHAHA!
Sorry... Your shag rug tickles my balls.

1666. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Stand-Up Comic

by bike on April 24, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by bike
4-24-08
So, I'm kind of a history buff; I like little history facts. For example, did you know that the Holocaust only took place in one month?
One month, that's right. The month of July! Get it, JEW--LIE
wow, rough crowd

1667. Kimkim: Dorkemon Trainer #3

by ZMannZilla on April 5, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by ZMannZilla
4-05-08
Hmmm. That tree is in the middle of our path.
Not to worry, Drax. Remember, we are Dorkemon trainers!
HACKRABBIT, I CHOOSE YOU!!!
HACK HACK!!!
You know, Kimkim, we probably could have just gone around the tree.
Then let's do that, before anyone else sees what my Hackrabbit is doing to those kids over there.

1668. cc379: Showtime at the Apollo

by mandingo on February 1, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
2-01-08
so people are always asking me if it's hard being Magic Johnson.
no flash photography, please.

1669. The Seeds of Time

by DrMorton on January 28, 2008
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by DrMorton
1-28-08
Tell me again. Why have we been guarding this space station for thousands of years?
Question ... no result ... memory bank ... damage ...
20000 years earlier.
DNA scan results are in. Those earth creatures really bear genes of our sacred forefathers. We will have to observe them and preserve them for eternity.
I just wonder how that is possible?
2 million years earlier.
Care for a masturbating contest?
Sure. I bet I can shoot as far as that shitty little planet over there!

1670. Things you shouldn't shout mid orgasm

by The_young_scot on December 2, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by The_young_scot
12-02-07
I'LL GET YOU HE-MAN, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!
SHIELDS ARE DOWN! FIRE!
FOR THE HORDE!!!

1671. Monkey Manor

by mandingo on November 28, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
11-28-07
tag, you're it!
!
you're getting it now!
would you go in there and tell your sons to quit humanshining?
why are they always my sons when they're humanshining, but always your sons when they're evolving the ability to speak?

1672. Hows bout

by mandingo on October 4, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
10-04-07
hows bout i stab yous in the carrot on holy ground!
how about if the author stops pushing the Random button
hows bout us trying the impossible task of somehow doin sumtin congruent with both ours surroundins and vastly diffren character motivations!
how about if the author stops pushing the Random button
hows bout we drink dat wine and talk muscull cars!
how about if the auth... actually, i'm down with that one.

1673. CC 365: Awwwwww :(

by Rabid_Weasle on August 20, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by Rabid_Weasle
8-20-07
Nun is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...

1674. Cup of coffee

by Injokester on August 10, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by Injokester
8-10-07
We had a "balloon day" today at the office. One got loose and floated up to the 20 foot ceiling.
It took a while, but we eventually got it down.
Now we just have to avoid the area incase any of the pens, pencils or the hammer lodged up there fall out.

1675. Comic Police

by HydeGuy on August 5, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by HydeGuy
8-05-07
Arrested by the comic police. Just great. Thanks a lot, voice in my head.
I don´t understand you people.
This is the third toilet humour offense this week. What makes the likes of you think that just saying "turd" or "crap" or "poo-poo" will make people laugh.
*giggle* Poo-poo.

1676. poetry night

by mandingo on July 29, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
7-29-07
my voice is lost, no one hears
never to be heard, my deepest fear
what did she say?
i don't know. she has the mic turned the wrong way

1677. opc35: dj jazzy jeff

by mandingo on April 29, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

so when you were in a band together, did your name really come before will smith's?
just order!
by mandingo, 4-29-07

1678. CC 351: Traffic Duty

by TheGovernor on April 6, 2007
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by TheGovernor
4-06-07

1679. Donkeys and horses... and some really big dogs

by RedfeatheR on October 28, 2006
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by RedfeatheR
10-28-06
I found the tape Mom...
Which ta--
Did you watch it?

1680. Ranger's World

by Ranger77 on September 23, 2006
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by Ranger77
9-23-06
September....
....so I figure when I get my license back I'll only drink light beer while I'm driving and I won't wreck anything.
He's so dangerous. I HAVE to go out with him.....
January....
So the last bitch I was going out with just didn't understand me....
He's such a misunderstood rebel. I HAVE to go out with him....
May.
*sigh* It's so hard to find a nice guy with a sense of humor. Where are all the good men?
I think the answer to that would be: "Staying the hell away from you."

1681. Ranger's World

by Ranger77 on February 24, 2006
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by Ranger77
2-24-06
Yahoo News (AP) 2/24/06
Anti-gay protests by a small religious group at funerals for troops killed in Iraq have prompted more than a dozen states to move to restrict picketing at funerals.
Westboro Baptist members picket military funerals, holding signs with such messages as "Thank God for IEDs" and "God Hates Fag Enablers." They say God is punishing America for tolerating gays.
And you think WE are fucked in the head??
Shut up.

1682. What do you want to hear?

by smajeon on February 4, 2006
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by smajeon
2-04-06
Are you here to kill me?
Are you gonna run if I say yes?
Yeah.
Then, no. I'm not here to kill you.

1683. Ranger's World presents: "It's a Monk's Life!"

by Ranger77 on December 10, 2005
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by Ranger77
12-10-05
This is quite amazing, brother.
What's amazing?
Despite the fact I partook in the 'herbal delicacies" that Brother Yin sent, everything seems normal except you.
That IS strange.
So....how long did it take you to find a lavender donkey costume?
Brother. Please. A man can do wonders with mischief in his heart and access to the Internet....

1684. Tribute to Carl

by cpausti on November 1, 2005
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by cpausti
11-01-05
*chomp chomp sssssslurp*
Dude! You did it! 20 "Hot as Hell" wings in less than 10 minutes! We've got to go and get a beer for this one!
Uhh... I don't think so.
Why? What were you planning on doing tonight?

1685. why play with slots if you don't get to poker?

by mandingo on August 3, 2005
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by mandingo
8-03-05
i just won four 8-player tournaments in a row. you know what the odds are of that randomly happening?
4095 to 1 against
why don't you play poker again?
i like slots

1686. Tool fans are tool fans are tool fans are tools.

by lima on May 29, 2005
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by lima
5-29-05
You just dont understand the band Tool. You couldn't understand them. I do, Maymard does, everyone else is just fanboy wannabe twats.
Uhuh
The new albums awesome. Theres loads of mashed up Bill Hicks lines in weird drum beats, you've never heard that before man.
Well thats not entirely true.
I once kicked Denis Leary down some stairs.

1687. Long Hot Summer

by ObiJo on September 10, 2004
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

by ObiJo
9-10-04
Geez, why do they make the police wear black when it's so hot out?
They have to wear black.
They're the bad guys.

1688. DANIEL FARADAY SPINS YOU RIGHT ROUND (LIKE A RECORD)

by kramer_vs_kramer on March 9, 2009
Rating: 7.92 (12 votes)

Oh my god, it's Stephen Hawking! You're my favourite theoretical physicist, can I give you a blowjob?
If you want, however I must warn you that I have a quantum bionic cock, so the results could be... unpredictable.
Bionic? Does that mean it's super long, and super hard?
No, I mean it exists in the fourth dimension.
FOUR DAYS EARLIER
What the-?

1689. Tard Boy and Finkelman

by squidrabies on December 17, 2002
Rating: 7.91 (55 votes)

by squidrabies
12-17-02
I'm going to see Rick Springfield on Friday night.
Who's that?
You know, he sang Jessie's Girl, had a couple of hits in the 80's.
Oh cool. How much is the cover charge?
It's not a concert. He works at Dairy Queen, I'm going to order a shake and throw it at him.
Rock.

1690. What the world needs now is more light-bulb jokes.

by il_schmucko on August 31, 2002
Rating: 7.91 (55 votes)

by il_schmucko
8-31-02
How many Asian girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than two, evidently.

1691. Why?

by niteowl on June 13, 2005
Rating: 7.9 (50 votes)

by niteowl
6-13-05
Why is it that Hugh Grant had to get his knob polished by a hooker when he had Elizabeth Hurley?
And why is it that in every movie he does, Hugh Grant is dressed in a suit, with tie off and collar unbuttoned?
Why the fuck am I watching Hugh Grant's movies?

1692. Mobility

by Scyess on January 18, 2004
Rating: 7.9 (50 votes)

by Scyess
1-18-04
Hey, sexy. How about you come to my place tonight?
Huh?
I'll wear my translucent underwear, but not for very long. And we can -- hold on, let me move somewhere else.
Guh...
I've decided to add cell phone earpieces to the list of things that make my life miserable.
You can also add deforestation... although your list is probably the main cause of it.

1693. Cake? CAKE!

by LuckyGuess on November 30, 2006
Rating: 7.9 (31 votes)

by LuckyGuess
11-30-06
Happy B-day grandma. Did you make a wish?
I wish I was dead.
Well I bought you a cake.
I hope there's death in it.
You're silly, grandma.

1694. A Shocking Revelation

by niteowl on January 22, 2004
Rating: 7.9 (31 votes)

by niteowl
1-22-04
So have you ever tried it? I've always wanted to, but I'm scared.
Yeah once, but it was just so strange...
What happened?
I stuck my finger up in there, but it felt so...weird. Sure it gave me tingles throughout my body at first, but I didn't feel good afterwards. I felt so...
Dumb?
Yeah. I should've listened to my mom. She always told me never to stick my finger in a light socket.

1695. Ed's Knife's Edge

by RedfeatheR on January 16, 2005
Rating: 7.89 (64 votes)

by RedfeatheR
1-16-05
I know you probably get a lot of hate mail which made me hesitate to write you. But I have to for my own satisfaction. You are incredibly ignorant and petty. It is obvious that you have absolutely no
life whatsoever and take incredible joy in ripping on people that you envy, such as me. I wonder what you would say to someone like me if we met on the streets. You are a coward
Love Mom

1696. The Silent War at my office

by mmyers on June 4, 2004
Rating: 7.89 (45 votes)

by mmyers
6-04-04
I have the What Would Jesus Do bracelet and matching bumper sticker.
I have the "Jesus is the son that starts my day" screen saver.
I have the Bible Day-by-Day calender at my desk and I also have a Daily planner with bible verses in it.
I have the fish on the back of my car, along with an air brushed fish liscence plate on the front and I dial Dial-a-Prayer everyday on my lunch break.
Excuse me ladies, but I believe the path to being righteous is--
Shut up, dick face. I named my children after the apostles I love Jesus so much. Top that, Janet.

1697. Logic Bomb

by choadwarrior on June 1, 2009
Rating: 7.89 (19 votes)

by choadwarrior
6-01-09
What do you think of the murder of that abortion doctor?
Speaking as a pro-life, pro-death penalty, pro-abstinence, anti-gun control Christian who is against programs that prevent unwanted pregnancy or keep lower socio-economic kids out of prison...

1698. Job Interview

by muffindance on January 19, 2009
Rating: 7.89 (19 votes)

by muffindance
1-19-09
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO BE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER
I SMOKE TONS OF POT AND REGULARLY CHOKE PEOPLE TO DEATH WITH MY GIGANTIC COCK
ALSO I LOVE CHILDREN
YOU'RE HIRED

1699. Santa's Accountant

by mandingo on March 7, 2008
Rating: 7.89 (19 votes)

by mandingo
3-07-08
Santa! someone's trying to sully your good name! while doing your taxes, i found falsified documents showing large cash sums deposited to your account by drug cartels every December 26th!
Ho Ho Holy Fuckbean! you'll have to tell my lawyer about this! he'll know what to do!
...deposited every December 26th! he said you'd know what to do, being his lawy... ...wait, if you're a lawyer, why are you wearing a labcoat?
he looks good, doc. chop him off at the knees, fit him for a costume, and send him over to the workshop with the others.

1700. Red got the iPhone II

by RedfeatheR on September 5, 2007
Rating: 7.89 (19 votes)

by RedfeatheR
9-05-07
Welcome to the club!!! How did it feel spending $648 with tax, huh?
I dunno. I just waited 2 months and got it for $399
Jim?
You dropped your iPhone Jim