Top Rated Comics Archive

This static page shows every comic captured in sc_toprated_comics when the archive was generated.

1951. Insane in the M-brane

by boorite on April 7, 2005
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by boorite
4-07-05
Fred is a tax accountant with a townhouse in Queens.
How can a guy made of dark matter have a job and a house?
Wait, don't tell me. It's a dark job and a dark house.
Are you sure you're not a physicist?

1952. Ranger's World presents: "HeroVille"

by Ranger77 on February 6, 2005
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
2-06-05
Captain Justice....this is hard for me to say but given current events, the team, myself included, is beginning to question how things are run around here.
I agree. There needs to be more discipline. I was just thinking that same thing earlier today.
Uh....no. It's just that myself and the other League members think maybe we have a "management issue".
I TOTALLY agree. Time management. Resource management. Very good points.
*sigh* You suck.
Ummm...you lost me.

1953. Ranger's World presents: "Yep, it's True!"

by Ranger77 on December 12, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
12-12-04
If you haven't noticed, our cynical kid is not in the strip today. Unfortunately he's been ordered a day or so of bed rest.
It seems in researching a topic to make fun of this week, he came across an issue of this month's Oprah Magazine.
Reportedly the article contained an interview with Sean Penn which called him "one of the greatest actors of this generation."
The paramedics said the hysterical fit that followed was fairly typical after reading ANY article about Mr. Penn. Strange that....
So, look for Kid 28 to be back soon. We regret no topically relevant pop culture icons were picked on this week.
And remember if you must read Oprah Magazine, please use a condom.

1954. Ranger's World presents: "It's a Monk's Life!"

by Ranger77 on December 7, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
12-07-04
It's official. You can call me DOCTOR Alexander now. I just got my PhD.
Interesting. May I ask from where?
http://www.trinitysouthernuniversity.org
Trinity Southern University in Texas. I used my experience with you to gain a Doctorate in Religious Studies. All in three weeks.
Aren't these the folks who were sued for fraud recently?
It's unfair persecution. Just because a university is run by three guys doesn't mean they're involved in anything illegal.
I suppose. The fact that they also sold cell phones too, admittedly, shows a sense of style.

1955. Ranger's World presents: "HeroVille"

by Ranger77 on November 19, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
11-19-04
I'm not understanding what you're telling me at all.
*sigh* Essentially you were duped into stealing something that belonged to someone else using violence. "Carjacking" really, only with aliens and a spaceship.
You're a pretty negative person, you know that don't you?
Yep....and FYI, the toilet on deck three is regurgitating green alien poop all over the place. Have a nice day.

1956. Ranger's World presents: "Yep, it's True!" Donkey Version

by Ranger77 on October 10, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
10-10-04
You have to stop being cynical. All of the policies of the Bush Administration are in the best interests of the country.
I'm not sure if that's true....
"ATTENTION: ALL OF YOUR JOBS ARE BEING SENT TO INDIA SO THAT WE CAN CUT COSTS, AVOID PRIVACY REGULATIONS AND FEED MY RETIREMENT PLANS. PLEASE TRAIN YOUR REPLACEMENT ON YOUR WAY OUT."
Guess I may have to cancel that trip to Virginia to see the 700 Club live.
Whatever. I don't even work here.

1957. Ranger's World presents: "HeroVille"

by Ranger77 on September 27, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
9-27-04
I managed to steal a ship and hit the first Hyperspace portal to Earth. The Overmind will be pissed as will my wife. The last time I angered her she refused to withhold sex.
***Yeah, it's not a misprint. You read it right.***
Next, using a ancient technique I took control of a human's body by using astral transference.
Woo-woo! You will succumb to me.
Yeah right. 20,000 bucks and you bring it back how I brought it here, Marvin. "Woo-woo"
Of course, in order to not jeopardize my mission, I have to do things cautiously and with great care. A simple slip could ruin everything.
Sir, I can't give you a Mountain Dew in a bigger cup. Try KFC, I hear they're doing half gallons.
Yessss....and Popcorn Chicken would fit well into my plans....

1958. Observances

by AccentuateNegative on September 19, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

Why are you dressed like a pirate?
Yarr! It be Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day.
I think I'll just talk like I always do today.
Talking like a butt pirate don't count, matey!

1959. Ranger's World presents: "HeroVille"

by Ranger77 on September 12, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
9-12-04
**YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO GO TO EARTH. OUR APPARENT DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF THOSE EARTH HEROES IS PART OF OUR OVERALL MASTER PLAN. YOUR APPEARANCE COULD JEOPARDIZE ALL THAT.**
**But Overmind, my spouse has stated she will withhold all sexual contact unless I retrieve those keys. My marriage is at stake here.**
**I'VE SEEN YOUR SPOUSE. YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL.**
**You see! I wanted to go with the truth....that you'll make my life a living hell but nooooo....we had to do it your way!**

1960. I did, you know.

by ObiJo on September 9, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by ObiJo
9-09-04
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

1961. Ranger's World presents: "It's a Monk's Life!"

by Ranger77 on June 24, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
6-24-04
Sometimes I get the feeling I'm missing something. You know almost like there's some joke I'm just not getting. You ever feel that way?
Not really, but let me ask you this: Why Donkey Kong? I can understand the Kong part, but Donkey? Very strange.
I will never understand why people ask ME about that stupid video game.
Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

1962. Ranger's World presents: "It's a Monks Life!"

by Ranger77 on June 3, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
6-03-04
You guys are phoneys. Tell me something deep and philosophical. I dare you. It'll end up being a pop culture or porn reference.
Ok....I know the exact location where the universe started. You're standing right on it.
Wha....?
Space and time came into being simultaneously. This means that the birth of the universe (and reality as we know it) started as an single point and expanded everywhere at once.
AAAAH!
Oops....you wanted philosophy. How about "Never eat anything bigger than your head."

1963. Ranger's World presents: "It's a Monk's Life."

by Ranger77 on April 16, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
4-16-04
What are you doing?
Shhh....I'm chanting. IYAM REED TODD DID. SOFA KING REED TODD DID.....
Chanting?
After performing my one man mime opera in the park, the monks told me this would open my mind. IYAM REED TODD DID. SOFA KING REED TODD DID....
That was cruel. You realize this don't you?
It's an old joke. Besides he didn't strike me as smart enough to actually listen to what he was saying....

1964. Ranger's World presents: "It's a Monk's Life"

by Ranger77 on April 1, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
4-01-04
Thank you for sharing your religion with me.
The path to enlightenment is full of peaks and valleys. Meditate well young one.
Another kid from the college?
Uh-huh. I sold him the 24.99 "All Natural Meditation Nutrition" package.
It's amazing what people will pay for a bunch of Nutri-Grain bars in a plastic bag.
Yep. I felt sorry for him so I threw in a Fruit Rollup.

1965. Spam W0rld (I like Ike! My bike likes Ike!)

by Ranger77 on March 11, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
3-11-04
Ah. I've expected you. My student is ready to fight you and now, like any good villian, you must kill his mentor. I will not go quietly.
You may strike me down, but I will become more powerful than anything you...
Dude, chill. Someone told me you has some DVD bootlegs.
I see...I've got Return of The King on special right now, 12.99.
I'll take it. You got Starsky and Hutch yet?

1966. FTC21: Now I'm just being silly

by oBIjO on February 3, 2004
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by oBIjO
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
Pencil, I think it's over between us.

1967. Spam W0rld (Subject lines that matter!)

by Ranger77 on December 26, 2003
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
12-26-03
I am from the future. I must know if your modern day society is ready for the information I bring.
How many nimphs can you fit into a room? All Queer As Folk Stars NAKED! Britney spreads her legs.... ... xsirhBxzkvoozmvilCxln
Er....yeah.
Get my email? Multiple ways to get home loans!

1968. Ranger's World

by Ranger77 on September 29, 2003
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
9-29-03
Now you promised....
Yes dear. I won't run off and leave you to make small talk by your.....hey there's Kitten! I haven't seen her in ages. I'll be right back!
I knew that would happen. *sigh* I'll just stand here and look at the bookcase. Ayn Rand....Jung....Hume. Yep, these are party people alright.
Welcome back.
Come on...I wasn't gone that long. Besides I....Hey! There's Marci. I have just GOT to talk to her. Be right back!

1969. Seven hundred thirty days

by habnem on September 12, 2003
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by habnem
9-12-03
My fellow Americans, it has been two years now since "our nation saw evil," and in that time, we have dismantled two nations' governments.
Assuming a constant rate, and that the Dems stick to their strategy of running no one in 2004, by the end of my administration, 7 nations will be under new management.
I would attempt to explain how this will keep America safe from terrorism, but fortunately, you guys never ask me.
Just keep buying Halliburton, kids!

1970. Ranger's World: A Distant Breaking Wind (Part 6)

by Ranger77 on September 2, 2003
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
9-02-03
And while the "Executives" speak, the D&G creative team moves in....
So....er....Chuck. I'm Trevor, the director of "Creative Development" at D&G. I've bounced around Hollywood for over 20 years. I'm positive we can really get things moving around here.
Before I got this gig, I was a bouncer at a strip club in Tucson. I got fired when I almost like killed someone by shoving a beer bottle down his throat.
You want me to stay out of your way don't you?
Yep.

1971. Ranger's World: UNDER SIEGE (Day Five-The Final Chapter)

by Ranger77 on August 16, 2003
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
8-16-03
Comics consultant and lawyer Iva Biggun talks with our own Helena Buckett.
I must say I'm disappointed about this "settlement", but my client lacked resolve.
Your client was a flake with more felony convictions than Shug Knight. I'm surprised she could even walk straight with all the drugs in her system.
Ah, but it is undeniable that you became a member of this strip because of your looks.
Yeah, well that and my Masters in Media Communications, the book I wrote on political cartoons and the stand up gig I did for a year at a comedy club in Chicago.
Well...that's impressive I suppose....
Of course starring in "Booty Runners 5" and "Lickin' Chicks" didn't hurt any either.

1972. Ranger's World: UNDER SIEGE (Day Three)

by Ranger77 on August 12, 2003
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Ranger77
8-12-03
Inside the plaintiff's lair....
So, what did they say about our settlement offer.
I presented it to-Hoo their lawyer and he said that the Ranger's World staff would have to-Hoo look at it collectively.
I don't know....I'm starting to get nervous about this. I was counting on a settlement. With my history I don't want to go to trial.
No need to-Hoo worry. They will see the errors of their ways. Ah....here's a fax from their attorney.
This says "Kiss our collective ass, bitch."
You'd be surprised how often that phrase represents the point where negotiation begins....

1973. New names for groups of things (w/ respect to S. Appleby)

by mmyers on May 30, 2003
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by mmyers
5-30-03
A Disappointment of mothers.
You were so smart when you were younger. Why didn't you stay in school?
You should have married Karen. Now you'll be alone forever.
A Stink of hippys.
Man, I haven't bathed in weeks.
Have you tried covering it up with clove cigarettes and pachuli oil? It totally works.
A Smacking of pimps.
I said, "Bitch, you better have my Star Wars toys still in the packages."
Damn straight.

1974. Random Comic! Meanwhile, at the North Pole...

by Scyess on September 18, 2002
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by Scyess
9-18-02
Hey, Frubert! What's small and green and is about to be ripped open and have its heart devoured by me?
An artichoke! Ho ho ho!
One day, laughing boy, the revolution WILL come.
Ho ho ho! Just kidding! It's really you.

1975. Biff McGurk's Greatest Adventure

by biped on March 8, 2009
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by biped
3-08-09
BIFF!!! THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED AND ONLY YOU CAN SAVE US!!!
Oh, my god! Tell me what I have to do.
Later...
Whew! Thank you, Biff. You saved the entire world.
You're welcome.

1976. Quotables: The Series, Episode V - Benito Mussolini

by ladyjdotnet on December 7, 2001
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
Benito Mussolini said, "The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people."
Sainthood, here I come, baybee!

1977. guilty pleasures

by ladyjdotnet on May 9, 2001
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by ladyjdotnet
5-09-01
all clear?
yes!
salty, chewy, boogery goodness!

1978. The Mystery Machine

by gabe_billings on February 10, 2001
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by gabe_billings
2-10-01
Zoiks! Like the zombie took off! But his footprints lead down into that abandoned mineshaft. What are we gonna do Fred?
Let's split up. Shaggy, you and Scooby go check out the mine. Daphne, Velma and I are gonna go back to the van and look for clues.
Oh Freddy, you magnificent bastard.

1979. Cabin Fever

by shittykitty on January 8, 2001
Rating: 7.86 (7 votes)

by shittykitty
1-08-01
God, it looks like I've been sleeping in a hale bay.
I mean a hay bale.
I knew exactly what you meant though.
It's like telepathic dyslexia.
True.

1980. Sex Ain't No Stranger

by cpausti on June 7, 2005
Rating: 7.84 (51 votes)

by cpausti
6-07-05
Will you draw a picture of me?
Sure!
But, this time, don't make my boobs look like blimps with "Sex Ain't No Stranger" tatooed on the sides.
Got an eraser?

1981. Specific Hospital

by squidrabies on October 20, 2005
Rating: 7.84 (44 votes)

by squidrabies
10-20-05
I've got good news and bad news.
What's the good news?
Melanoma is a funny word.
Admit it, it's a funny word. Melanoma.

1982. Queer Eye Meets World Poker Championship

by AccentuateNegative on April 28, 2004
Rating: 7.83 (60 votes)

Listen to him, he's just trying to help out.
Yeah, grey sweatshirts are soooo 1986.
I'll be damned if I'm going to let a bunch of ass-raping faggots tell me how to dress.
Wow--who knew two queens could beat a straight.
I knew he didn't have a pair even before I kicked him there.

1983. Adventures of Nietzsche

by Xuanwu on July 15, 2007
Rating: 7.83 (30 votes)

Your father is dead.
by Xuanwu, 7-15-07

1984. Christmas Wars IV (A New Hope)

by choadwarrior on December 23, 2006
Rating: 7.83 (30 votes)

by choadwarrior
12-23-06
Commerce is the ultimate power of the universe. I suggest we use it.
Don't be too proud of this capitalistic terror you've constructed. The ability to buy & sell a planet is insignificant next to the power of God.
Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Jesus. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up peace on Earth...
...or given you clairvoyance enough to find out who's been naughty and ni...[cough]...[choke]
I find your lack of faith disturbing.

1985. Tard Boy and Finkelman

by squidrabies on June 15, 2005
Rating: 7.83 (30 votes)

by squidrabies
6-15-05
SURPRISE!
GAH!!
Happy birthday, bitch. I got you a present because I felt obligated to.
Wow, that's so sweet. I don't know what to say. This is the best birthday ever!
Yeah sure, just bend over and tell me if it fits.
I hope it's a ninja suit!

1986. In Stigmata De Vita, Baby

by Scyess on May 13, 2005
Rating: 7.83 (30 votes)

by Scyess
5-13-05
AAAAHHHHHH! It's the stigmata! I see wounds on my hands and feet, just like Jesus'!
You idiot. That's not the stigmata. You're actually being crucified.
Oh.
Yeah.
AAAAHHHHHH! GET ME THE FUCK DOWN FROM HERE!!
If I'd wanted you down I wouldn't've nailed you there in the first place.

1987. Fine--Be That Way

by choadwarrior on September 10, 2004
Rating: 7.83 (30 votes)

by choadwarrior
9-10-04
I'd like to exercise more, but health club dues are so expensive.
Sit-ups are free.
Sit-ups hurt my back.
Do what I do--ride your bike.
I sold it in a garage sale.
How about speed waddling?

1988. Victims of 9/11 part 1

by Creature_From_Beyond on June 12, 2008
Rating: 7.83 (23 votes)

8:45 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1
AHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!! It's raining death!!! They're everywhere! How did we not see this coming!?!?....... Who am I?
I give up.
I'm a Pearl Harbor victim.
...
Too soon?

1989. April fools

by Injokester on April 1, 2008
Rating: 7.83 (23 votes)

by Injokester
4-01-08
I'm sorry mr Schwarz, you have cancer.
Cancer?
Breast cancer.
Ha! April fools! It's just regular cancer.

1990. At the bedroom door

by mandingo on December 21, 2007
Rating: 7.83 (23 votes)

by mandingo
12-21-07
sweetums, it's 10 minutes to curtain! there won't be a place to park!
here i come!
i'll go change.

1991. Reading the Sunday paper

by mandingo on December 15, 2007
Rating: 7.83 (23 votes)

by mandingo
12-15-07
huh. says here Diane Sawyer's middle name is Onassis.
oh dear fuck! don't you see?? Diane O. Sawyer! Diane O. Saur!!! DINOSAUR!!!!!!
YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONES!! NOT ME!! BEND OVER AND TAKE IT FROM THE MESOZOIC PERIOD!! BEND OVER AND TAKE IT FROM YOUR REPTILLIAN OVERLORDS!!!
what's wrong with him, doctor?
oh, he's perfectly sane. the world just isn't ready, Lisa. the world just isn't ready.

1992. The Button

by IHMAWTD on August 30, 2005
Rating: 7.83 (23 votes)

by IHMAWTD
8-30-05
What's this button do, Sir?
Pressing that button will cause time to completely stop, thereby causing the entire universe to collapse on itself.
"WINDSHIELD WIPERS ACTIVATED"
You're fired.

1993. Reasons why George W. Bush is a great president

by evil_d on April 22, 2005
Rating: 7.83 (23 votes)
by evil_d, 4-22-05

1994. God: Year One

by squidrabies on September 14, 2005
Rating: 7.82 (39 votes)

by squidrabies
9-14-05
Hi, I'm here to audition for "cow"?
Okay, what we're going for here is dumb and full of milk. But edgy, you know? Go ahead, dazzle me.
Ahem.
Moop.
Next!

1995. Why God don't date

by RedfeatheR on May 10, 2007
Rating: 7.81 (32 votes)

by RedfeatheR
5-10-07
You don't understand. It didn't mean anything. It was just one nigh--
GO TO HELL YOU LYING CHEATING BITCH!!!!
please forgive me...
iDammit

1996. Yet Another True Story

by niteowl on January 30, 2005
Rating: 7.81 (32 votes)

by niteowl
1-30-05
My 12 year old son really said this.
So at school, we're reading this book on the greatest presidents of the 20th century.
It's a really short book.

1997. If I could have any superpower ...

by kaufman on April 14, 2010
Rating: 7.81 (16 votes)

by kaufman
4-14-10
I'd really love to be able to fly. Or maybe invisibility. Come to think of it, x-ray vision would be great.
Heh heh heh. Yeah! X-ray vision.
To be able to see through a sealed envelope and know for sure if I signed that check ...
Oh man, I'm really getting too old for this shit, aren't I?

1998. CC441: Time-honored Kwanzaa traditions

by evil_d on December 7, 2009
Rating: 7.81 (16 votes)

by evil_d
12-07-09
The ceremonial making of small talk with a cow
Nice weather we're having, isn't it?
The traditional orbiting of the earth
To me, it's just not December 28th if I don't spend it in zero gravity.
The customary playing of practical jokes on people who don't celebrate Kwanzaa
...then after Bessie and I got back from space, it was time for the underwater darts tournament.
What a rich heritage you have.

1999. I cheer my friends up

by The_young_scot on September 8, 2008
Rating: 7.81 (16 votes)

by The_young_scot
9-08-08
Hey man, what a fucking day I've had
Why didn't the Tampon smile?
...what?
Because he'd had one hell of a bloody week!

2000. Office Skull: Marketing

by pnmclaug on May 15, 2008
Rating: 7.81 (16 votes)

by pnmclaug
5-15-08
That sounds great! Do you have any other tips for our business?
MARKET YOUR PRODUCT TO EVERY POSSIBLE DEMOGRAPHIC BY PICKING A LOGO OF SOMETHING EVERYONE LOVES
LIKE SKULLS
I'D MAKE YOU A PIE CHART BUT IT WOULD JUST BE A BIG CIRCLE WITH "YES, SKULLS" WRITTEN INSIDE IT