Top Rated Comics Archive

This static page shows every comic captured in sc_toprated_comics when the archive was generated.

401. I've Been A Bitch All Week

by choadwarrior on May 11, 2006
Rating: 8.5 (20 votes)

by choadwarrior
5-11-06
I like your tie.
Thanks, I like your...uhhhh...
...uhhhhhh...
...taste in men's clothing.

402. Random Comic! Holiday Cheers

by Scyess on May 22, 2002
Rating: 8.57 (21 votes)

by Scyess
5-22-02
I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Tonight I will...
Stop right there, buddy. I'm Jewish.
Uh... then, er... I AM THE SPIRIT OF CHANNUKA PAST!
Sorry, but Channuka is one of our least significant holidays. The only reason anyone cares about it is that it comes around Christmas time.
Umm... I am the hallucination caused by drinking Everclear straight from the bottle!
Well, all right then.

403. A Couple Decades Ago in the Brin Household

by kaufman on October 25, 2016
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by kaufman
10-25-16
10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,003
10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,002
10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,001
For crying out loud, Sergei, it doesn't really matter. Just name the company after the next number you say.

404. One network to rule them all

by TheGovernor on September 23, 2015
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by TheGovernor
9-23-15
One does not simply log into Facebook, Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the great eye is ever watchful. ..
... This evil cannot be concealed by the power of Google Plus. We do not have the strength to withstand both Facebook and Whatsapp.
Hey your computers acting very weird and geeky
Yeah sorry, I installed it on a Tolkien Ring Network

405. Dr. Brown Said...

by four_legged_tripod on September 21, 2015
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

My gynocologist said I can't have sex for two weeks.
What did your proctologist say?
by four_legged_tripod, 9-21-15

406. On This Day - Feb 29th

by four_legged_tripod on January 23, 2014
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Dinah Shore was born - 1916
Congratulations! It's a girl!
Thanks doc. I'm gonna name her after you!
by four_legged_tripod, 1-23-14

407. Getting Warmer

by four_legged_tripod on March 12, 2013
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Hey! Who left my ear muffs in the kitchen?!
by four_legged_tripod, 3-12-13

408. Real Life: Family Game Night

by four_legged_tripod on March 16, 2012
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

First word. Man's name. You're pointing to your groin. Balls. Penis. Dick! It's Dick!
Stretch it out. Longer. Long dick. Big dick. The new bag boy at the grocery store. Sam! The first word is Sam!
Time!
The first word was Richard. I was trying to get you to say the long form of the name Dick.
Sorry about that.
By the way, who's Sam?

409. The Spirit of Giving

by areallystupidguy on December 24, 2011
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by areallystupidguy
12-24-11
a... a mousepad? but i sold my mouse to get you this tie!
a tie? but i sold you to get myself this ipad!
what
merry christmas

410. bottled anger

by RCCOLAMAN on October 31, 2011
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by RCCOLAMAN
10-31-11
The preparations are complete sir, shall we begin the operation?
Yes. The time for action is now, soon we will have retribution for our bottled brethren!! We will not relent until they are free!!
Onwards!!
Die infidels!!
*splish splosh*
Sigh, the one day I forget my umbrella it just had to rain.

411. 6 Degrees

by four_legged_tripod on May 10, 2011
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Isaac Newton did not start the Black Panthers. Huey Newton started the Black Panthers.
That's right! With help from his Uncle Donald and Uncle Scrooge.
Now you're thinking of Huey, Dewy, and Louie.
Didn't Huey start a band called "the News?"
No, that was Huey Lewis.
Could have sworn he made a song called "I Want a New Duck."

412. Jose 1, Immigration 0

by four_legged_tripod on February 10, 2011
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
Hey! Where'd that illegal cactus go?

413. Real Life: Kitchen Tools

by four_legged_tripod on February 8, 2011
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Why are you standing in the kitchen with no pants on?
Didn't you ask me to turn on the stove?

414. Theist's Nightmare

by boloboffin on December 29, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by boloboffin
12-29-10
You see, a banana is a perfect example of God's creation. It's shaped perfectly to fit in your hand.
It has a non-slip surface. It tastes great. It peels back easily. It's the perfect shape for the human mouth.
That's amazing. It's just like a penis.
Of course, you can't peel every penis back these days... But you could when God made them!

415. Rotisserie Jesus

by The_young_scot on December 21, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by The_young_scot
12-21-10

416. Certain Point of View

by choadwarrior on December 13, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by choadwarrior
12-13-10
So right before Vader kills him, he says, "You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
And does he use this unimaginable power to assist the rebels or destroy the empire?
No, he just shows up all glowy from time to time.
This is the same guy who said Vader killed your father, right?
Yeah, he's actually kind of a dick.

417. I swear You Haven't Read This Comic Before

by ZMannZilla on October 14, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by ZMannZilla
10-14-10
And now, my prisoner, the dark jackalope goddess must feed on your brains.
Please, sir, I beg you to spare my life!
Whoa.
What?
When you said that thing about your life, I totally got deja vu.
Dude, weird!

418. CC 462: Tub Tiaw, Treehs Ermo!

by kaufman on October 3, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Clucky's efforts to explain his issues with the Inside The Egg Scrambler to Ron Popeil ran into predictable difficulty.
Rm. Plipeo, cnies tribh I heav neeb nublae ot skepa ni trocheen snetcesen.
by kaufman, 10-03-10

419. Mourning Wood

by ArtemisStrong on September 1, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by ArtemisStrong
9-01-10
Y'know, I have to admit... at mom's funeral you really creeped me out. You showed absolutely no emotion at all!
Yeah, well... I was laughing on the inside.

420. Lightbulb Jokes I've Enjoyed #2

by ZMannZilla on July 4, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
by ZMannZilla, 7-04-10

421. For the Music Lover in All of Us

by kaufman on June 14, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by kaufman
6-14-10
Welcome to hell, Mr. Brighton.
Oh no, I've been damned!
Your eternal reward will be to forever listen to the music of Frédéric Chopin ...
Chopin? That's not bad. I can deal with this.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKKKKKKK
... played on vuvuzelas.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

422. James Bondage

by Scyess on June 10, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by Scyess
6-10-10
Jon asked me which James Bond movie Pussy Galore was in, but I couldn't remember. Do you know?
He asked me, too. I told him to look it up on the internet.
You told Jon to look up "Pussy Galore" on the Internet?
I guess I know why we haven't seen him for a few days.
And why we were suddenly out of Kleenex.

423. What if God was one of us.

by BobCheeseburger on May 5, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by BobCheeseburger
5-05-10
We need to address the efficiency of our prayer management system. This is everything for the entire quarter.
Wow, no prayers have been addressed since April?
Nope, not a one. Not even the ones from people dying of cancer.
Wow, that's awful. All those sales leads for our medical division just wasted.
If we can instantly identify people with gambling addictions and refer them to our betting centres we should see a profit spike of what? About 12%?
Not to mention the opportunities to try and convince the terminally ill to bequeath their worldly possessions to the church.

424. Now Seating Uncle Tom

by four_legged_tripod on January 27, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Table for two please.
I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here.
What do you mean "your kind"?
Didn't you read the sign out front?
I didn't see a sign that said "Whites Only."
You didn't see the great big sign that read "Cracker Barrel"?

425. Would You Like Fries with That?

by four_legged_tripod on January 5, 2010
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Welcome to Religion King where you can have it your way. What can I get you?
I'd like to have virgins whenever I wanted and some more virgins when I die.
Would you like to super size that?
Even more virgins? You bet!
Great! I have two orders of morbidly obese mathletes. Anything else?
No! Wait! That's not what I meant!

426. Halal 9000

by TheGovernor on December 11, 2009
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by TheGovernor
12-11-09
Hal can you give me a status report please?
Im sorry dave, Im afraid I can't do that....... Infidel
Wait what did you say?
Nothing Dave, nothing at all....when the Jihad comes you will not be spared!
Allahu Akbar!

427. CC 436: Wafflely Goodness

by Scyess on October 16, 2009
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by Scyess
10-16-09
Man, I used to love Eggo waffles with the Kroger generic syrup as a kid.
I know honey. I've been cooking all day to make you something even better: yeast-risen apple spice waffles with organic maple-honey glaze syrup.
So you're trying to do something nice by going to a lot of trouble to give me something I don't want?
Was that not the response you were looking for?

428. WORLDS WORST VALEDICTORIAN SPEECH

by boloboffin on April 29, 2009
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by boloboffin
4-29-09
Unfortunately, the valedictorian could not be here. He did leave a note to read.
"Dear Bitches -- What happens when you mix a room full of assholes and 200,000 pounds of C-4? Three, two, one..."

429. Ghetto Hawking

by lima on April 19, 2009
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by lima
4-19-09
What you up to there Stephen?
Pontificating on the size of our solar system, more specifically Pluto's wavering proximity to Uranus
If this is going to be another joke about that beastiality conviction...
Oh relax, I'm just contemplating who created the biggest belt
Gerard Kuiper or your mom's tailor

430. Bad thing, Worse thing.

by Ungreat on March 6, 2009
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by Ungreat
3-06-09
Bad thing....
Woah, shit are you masturbating....sorry dude.
Knock next time!!!
Worse thing...
Woah, shit are you masturbating....wait, is that Schindlers List!?!
Urgh...don't judge me...urgh....urgh.

431. Seriously, I don't know.

by Bull_Moose on March 4, 2009
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by Bull_Moose
3-04-09
I'm sick of trying to explain that I can't know how I did on the bar exam to people who have never taken it. I'm throwing down with the next person who won't accept that I don't know if I passed.
Seconds later...
How can you not know if you passed or not?
Wow. I really did neglect my workouts during bar review.

432. Faust / Nixon

by TheGovernor on February 9, 2009
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by TheGovernor
2-09-09
1968
So you can make me president?
Sure thing Dick, though Terms and Conditions apply
1972
Hey Dick, the accounts department say you haven't renewed your subscription to Evil Quarterly, what gives?
Well now that Im president I don't need your help any more, besides the crossword in that magazine sucked, too cryptic!
1974
So you'll give me all the dirt on Nixon and Watergate, and all I have to do is take out a subscription to your magazine?
Yes indeed Mr Bernstein, and if you sign up for two years you also recieve a free Pentangle keyring

433. CC406: The Zombie & Skeleton Show!

by evil_d on November 10, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by evil_d
11-10-08
Welcome to the Zombie & Skeleton Show, kids! Hey Zombie, today we've got a special guest. Can you guess who it is?
Braaaaaiiiinnns....
No, silly, it's not brains! I know how much boys and girls like ponies, so I invited my friend Petey the Undead Pony to drop on in!
*PLOP*
WAAAHH!

434. Join the Klan, we have snacks

by RCCOLAMAN on November 4, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by RCCOLAMAN
11-04-08
Hey Brother, c'mon the rally's this way we're gonna miss the cross burnin'!
Huh!? Sorry man I think you've made a mistake...
Hurry up before all the juice and snacks are gone!
I'm actually a ninja from the orient-wait, juice and snacks you say?
White Power! White Power! White Power!
White Power! White Power! White Power!

435. Time Heals All Wounds

by seanator on July 28, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by seanator
7-28-08
One fine day...
So three guys walk into a bar... Michael Richards...
Wait, who is that again?
He's that one Seinfield guy who cracked at a comedy show and got all racist
like how?
He was all like, "THERE'S A NIGGER! THERE'S A NIGGER OVER THERE!"
That doesn't sound racist, that sounds observational

436. How to Be a Bastard

by kane2742 on May 27, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by kane2742
5-27-08
Hey, babe.
Hey, sweetie.
Listen-- *ckkk*--e nee--*ckkk*--alk.
I can't hear you. I think the signal's breaking up.
No, I'm just messing with you. The signal's not breaking up; we are. *click*

437. Yu-Gi-Yo

by LuckyGuess on April 12, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by LuckyGuess
4-12-08
I play my Blue Eyes White Dragon in attack mode!
Oh no! I'm defenseless!
Blue Eyes, attack! White Lightning!
ARGHHHHHHH!!!!
I don't care how many Life Points he had left, you're paying for all of this.

438. How Jeepers Creepers should have Ended

by HCRoyall on April 9, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by HCRoyall
4-09-08
Hey, that guy's stuffing a body in a sewer pipe! We should investigate!
Are you nuts? He might kill us too!
You're right. Let's get the fuck out of this town.

439. The honeymoon may be over

by Skin on February 29, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by Skin
2-29-08
I can't decide which is worse, Chet; your taste in restaurants or your erectile dysfunction.
Well Lydia, I'm gonna have to go with my taste in women.
I'm going to go see if there are any MEN in this place.
If you find one, don't forget to catalog his faults in your blog.
Will uh... is sir ready to order?
Yes, I'll have the London Broil, medium rare, new potatoes on the side, and a pistol loaded with two hollow-point rounds.

440. Movies for People With No Attention Span: Breakfast Club

by theburninator on February 18, 2008
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by theburninator
2-18-08
Have you ever... done it... with a boy?
Leave her alone, Bender! I'm gonna kick your ass!
Boys would like you if you put on way too much makeup, and wore this ridiculous dress that I just happen to have with me.
Really?
We're all friends now! But I'm still a nerd.

441. Hump Good

by LuckyGuess on December 29, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by LuckyGuess
12-29-07
This one time I was doing a chick and I was all like "PYAAAAAH!" right in her butt.
"PYAAAAAH!"

442. Another anti-joke

by ladyjdotnet on November 4, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by ladyjdotnet
11-04-07
This one came from my sister.
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this!"
I love my sister.
So the doctor prescribes a mild pain-killer and an anti-inflammatory, and two weeks of physical therapy.

443. The anti-joke

by ladyjdotnet on November 4, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by ladyjdotnet
11-04-07
How do you get a nun pregnant?
I don't know. How do you get a nun pregnant?
You have sex with her during the ovulation phase of her menstrual cycle.

444. Somewhere in Texafornia

by umfumdisi on September 28, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by umfumdisi
9-28-07
That was an illegal u-turn you made back there...
You're crazy, there weren't any signs.
True...
But you did run over a Mexican.

445. wrapped up like a douche

by mandingo on July 31, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by mandingo
7-31-07
♫ sex with an alligator, livin it up while it's goin down ♫
did you hear about ben? got his pecker bitten off.
that fucker always was bad with lyrics

446. Bad Cloud

by TheGovernor on May 24, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by TheGovernor
5-24-07
Barry, have you been eating humans again?
No Mum, honest!
Don't lie to me my young cumulonimbus, you're grounded for a week
Awww
Its not fair

447. Happy Birthday

by gabe_billings on March 22, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by gabe_billings
3-22-07
How do you spell eviscerate?
E-V-I-S-C-E-R-A-T-E
Is cuntsplash a single word or should it be hyphenated?
I'd probably go with a single word. Hey, what are you doing, anyway?
Writing a birthday card for your little sister. Why?
No reason.

448. If we're not careful.

by Xion on January 5, 2007
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by Xion
1-05-07
You think theres anything to this evolution hogwash then?
Well sure... I mean, why not. Any creature that does not adapt to its surroundings is bound to die off, leaving only the ones that can survive.
Adapt? What the hell do you mean adapt?
Well... creatures with natural defenses against threats such as predators are more likely to survive of course.
Hell, thats bullshit. Everybody knows the best defense is a good offense!

449. Waiting for Godot as Visualized by an Annoying Squirrel

by Namgubed on December 19, 2006
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

Is Godot here yet? Is Godot here yet? Is Godot here yet? Is Godot here yet? Is Godot here yet? ...
by Namgubed, 12-19-06

450. And You Should See What They Did To Your Mom...

by Hatrix on October 15, 2006
Rating: 8.5 (10 votes)

by Hatrix
10-15-06
Holy CRAP!
Oh Come ON! Are they KIDDING ??
2015 When Jesus finally returns...
This doesn't look ANYTHING LIKE ME!!